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391 · Jul 2019
My Cat Therapist
Nigdaw Jul 2019
I gave my sadness to my cat
it fitted his deadpan face
and generally glum demeanour,
he had the personality for it
besides it made him cute,
and a massive hit with the ladies

of course, I couldn’t really
give my sadness to my cat
apart from it being really unfair,
on my best friend and only true
companion, it is ridiculous
to think that an animal is depressed,

though I am, even with his support
endless nights listening to my troubles
his expressionless face understanding
every word, he helps me of course
having to look after someone who relies
on you, makes you feel wanted,

useful, almost powerful in some ways
but after all he is just a cat, however
much I try to make him human,
did I tell you he talks, not really
I think I probably need a therapist
and he just needs to be a cat,

it’s what he does best after all.
389 · Dec 2024
war child
Nigdaw Dec 2024
I've not the arms to hold you
nor the heart to keep you warm
in spirit I am with you
to walk among the ruins
and watch your history burn
your face will always haunt me
as a fleeting moment passes
eyes that looked right through me
cradle so close to the grave
389 · Aug 2020
cinema show
Nigdaw Aug 2020
where Hollywood's celluloid dream
is reflected off silver screen
into the consciousness
of audience's expectations
sitting
in amphitheatre auditoriums
amid
whispered conversations
plot revelations
spoiler alert
sweet packet crinkle
coke slurp
popcorn rustle
where held hands
make promises breached
bases reached
love declared
for a fumble on a back seat
childhoods spent
getting out from under
grownups feet
the good guys won
the bad guys wore black
where a thousand shots fired
nobody died
in the end
aching legs brought to life
to leave with
a head full of stories
unrelated to real life
386 · May 2020
pet
Nigdaw May 2020
pet
we are all accomplices
the plate cannot lie
something murdered casually
so we can finely dine
oozing still the blood
that once coursed it's veins
a rare and gruesome pallet
enjoyed with chips and peas

yet we pet the dog
call him companion and friend
invited into the family
like a furry surrogate child
stroke the cat on our evening lap
cooing and talking
like they understand
they have the protection of PET

otherwise we'd be cuddling a snack
386 · Feb 2020
Babel City
Nigdaw Feb 2020
we climb
higher and higher
in our ivory towers
land is at a premium
a square foot a king's ransom
so we dwell among the clouds
eye to eye with the birds
though never know their freedom
we are with the stars
though we burn out
their celestial light
we can whisper in God's ear
though above the clatter
he may never hear us
381 · Jul 2019
Sheets
Nigdaw Jul 2019
Virginal linen
Clean sheets that are washed of sin
Unsoiled by past loves
379 · Nov 2019
John Betjeman
Nigdaw Nov 2019
I have finally found you
In St. Enodoc Church;
Home is where your heart rests
Not your place of birth.
Summoned by the three o’clock bell
A pilgrim across the eleventh fairway,
Towards a crooked spire that protrudes
Like a drowning swimmer,
Signalling to be rescued from the dunes.


As I enter through the gate
Your headstone greets me with a shout;
A marvel of the stonemason’s art
Explosive script from marbles cold darkness,
Radiates your humour and warmth.
I am not humbled, sad nor afraid
This place is fitting to rest your phrase;
Looking down at where you lie
I try to imagine that lived-in face.


Archibald lies at your head
Old and trusted, faithful ted;
So much heard, but nothing said
All through the years of pressured steps,
To follow where your father led;
But you had other plans and instead
Were drawn to words with rhythmic thread,
That made you Poet Lauriat, a knight
Who finally has found some peace.
My tribute to one of my favourite poets.
376 · Jun 2021
just life
Nigdaw Jun 2021
problems problems problems
we all look for answers
in sunsets
songs
the smile of a stranger
alcohol
mind altering substances
the therapists bill
but it's just ******* life man
you can't expect to go
from sun up to sunset
cruising like a jet
you're bound to crash sometimes
you need to see the earth
as a friend
somewhere to land
spend some time
just staring at the sky
wishing you could fly again
and you will
when the thermals are right
to lift your spirit heavenward
but be careful what you wish for
the heavens are full
of shooting stars
376 · Aug 2021
robbed
Nigdaw Aug 2021
work robs me of my life
without paying enough
to compensate
for the crime
I wasn't made for the
nine till five
corporate passion
is not my style
I'm for the weekends
the holidays
work to live
not the other way round
I want the time back
to sit and stare
for boredom
drinking
self indulgent dreams
never fulfilled
375 · Nov 2019
Moth
Nigdaw Nov 2019
Bright white, blinding,
lost in a sea of light.
Radar no longer functioning,
then suddenly intense, murderous heat
scorching legs and wings.


Trying to navigate a way out
they watch from the bed,
lost in its own Bermuda Triangle.


He is fascinated - how stupid
a creature can be to **** itself
on a light bulb.


She, understanding the distraction
of the light, sheds a tear
for how love hurts
and destroys you in the end.
375 · Sep 2019
A Moment of Truth
Nigdaw Sep 2019
There is calm

early september pushes summer's
burning sun aside
light changes
air cools, like chilled water
on skin, drink it in

autumn beckons
winter threatens

there is a sadness in your heart
as the world changes
an eternal cycle of hellos
and goodbyes
punctuated with days
that you stick into that memory
scrapbook, which may or may not fade

but now there is this stillness
nothing is happening
before all Hell lets loose
I can be happy
savour a moment
a moment of truth.
373 · Feb 2020
The Call
Nigdaw Feb 2020
we make camp at the coffee shop
turning a table and four chairs
into temporary home
decorated with a decor
of scarves, coats and bags
an invisible wall
focusing in on our refuge
the intimacy of the cups, saucers, plates
and conversation

in the corner
a man on his own
invades the whole room
conversing into his mobile
which I am not convinced
is in a call
nudging everyone into looking
beyond the realm
of their comfort zone
364 · Feb 2020
Mistress
Nigdaw Feb 2020
you are like cake
little substance
rising to a gentle warmth
a mouth full of air

your flavour is sweet
satisfying
at the time of eating
but an aftertaste
of guilt
a feeling of being
a little bit *****

you are always there
to temp a stray
from the right path
displaying your wares
like a shop window

what harm can a little pleasure do
no one will know
and you only live once
361 · Mar 2021
OCD
Nigdaw Mar 2021
OCD
the blind is broken
on the back door
where I try the handle
maybe one two three four
times before bed
my foot treads
wear a furrow
into carpet pile
patrolling by the mile
a circuit I navigate
from door to window
and back again
checking checking
my doorbell's camera eye
spies on the street outside
intruder alerts on my phone
warn of incoming......
something
all so I can complete
a nights sleep
with one ear open
tossing turning
I have covered all eventualities
except the Bogeyman
in my head
under the bed
OCD, it will always haunt me!
356 · Jun 2019
The Dive
Nigdaw Jun 2019
She waved to him
From the island of the sofa,
Surrounded by her magazines
Mobile phone screen ablaze
With her usual social media,
Attention on her mind
He, headphones on was in the zone,
So many times the trance
Had been broken,
Inner world invaded by trivialities,
Today he just turned his head away
He had balanced the perfect mix
Between beer buzz and musical bliss,
This time he was going deep
Diving, fish like into sonic waters
A Pink Floyd sea of euphoric escape
This time, she was just going to have to wait
Until he broke surface again.
356 · Apr 2020
hot mess
Nigdaw Apr 2020
she bought a new dress
made of boyfriend material
it confessed how desperate she was
hugging her nymph like figure
just begging for it
whatever 'it' is
356 · Sep 2019
Russian Roulette
Nigdaw Sep 2019
Spin the chambers
Await your fate
Balance the odds
Against life and death
Everything rests
On one short second
That could last
For the rest of your life.


You sit now
A whole life ahead
But you take a needle
To inject some feeling
Can you hear the click
Ear-splitting bang
As the bullet flies
Freer than you’ll ever be.
355 · Oct 2019
Salvation Army
Nigdaw Oct 2019
They are proclaiming their allegiance to God
With the loud voice of brass
Their only audience is the rain
And a few disinterested pedestrians
Walking home from the pub or newsagent
On a Sunday afternoon.

Does their faith make them impervious
To the condition of the weather
As well the general lethargy that greets them.

Smart groomed uniforms, buttons gleaming
Bright shining instruments, oom pah!
The battle cry of their religion
They all look so ****** healthy and happy

Do they really know something I don't
Or are they the ones missing the point
Written many years ago after seeing them play.
352 · Jun 2019
Checkout Girl
Nigdaw Jun 2019
There's a ******* the checkout
With long blond hair
Restrained in a scrunchie
At the back of her head
Scanning scanning, far away
Smile, looking past groceries
To a future self

I see a dream under that uniform
I see a freedom in that face
She knows there is a future
But it's not held in this space
Uncloned and unchained, one day
She will fly, on the wings of a voice
With stardoms far cry

A till away sits her broken dream
She's about forty, slightly grey
Last week on a warning for being
Late, her dreams have succumbed
To a different fate, she had wished once
For a chance to be free, but now
Has become part of the corporate machine
351 · Feb 2020
Recycled Lives
Nigdaw Feb 2020
I see
the impermanence of it all
the stuff we can't take with us
that we hoard
in second hand shops
car boot sales
charity shop windows
end of childhood
end of relationships
end of fashion
the end of lives
set out for a new generation
to claim ownership of
who will buy my memories
when I'm gone
350 · Jul 2019
Noise
Nigdaw Jul 2019
I can hear the noise of the world, always
In my ears, like the sea never leaves the shell,
No matter how far travelled by a beachcomber
Who takes their souvenir home.
No matter how far I roam, the world follows up
It’s chaotic tone, voices shouting, ringing phones,
Cars with car horns rushing to be late
Somewhere they really don’t want to go.
Fools, vagabonds, gypsies, businessmen, wives
Police and thieves, cannot escape the gravitational
Drag of the world on their destiny.
I can hear the swish of their existence in my sleep
It never leaves me, like the restless tide it creeps.
350 · Feb 2020
The Stranger
Nigdaw Feb 2020
he leaves his vapour trail
like an aircraft
across the sky
musky eau de cologne
the one from the bathroom cabinet
dad never used to wear
a memory or somewhere close
mixed with tobacco smoke
ingrained in clothing
from the old days
before the demon
was banished to car parks
and outside office buildings
in the rain
then he is gone
an unresolved mystery
in an otherwise ordinary
afternoon
348 · Jul 2019
The Road to School
Nigdaw Jul 2019
I walked and watched the seasons change
Through the winter cold and rain,
My coat zipped up to my chin
Hands gloved with woolen mittens,
I saw my breath like steam escaping

I walked and watched the seasons change
Saw spring wave it’s magic wand,
Bringing life to trees and plants
A fantasia of riotous foliage and colour,
I felt alive, my stomach fluttered.

I walked and watched the seasons change
In summers warmth the spreading shade,
Gave welcome relief under treed avenue
Where I grew each day and never knew
I headed towards this present day.

To me now it's always autumn there
Along the road I knew so well
Colours fading into golden brown
The walk is over, the mystery gone
My winter of discontent will follow.
348 · Jun 22
I long for
Nigdaw Jun 22
winter's melancholy cold
as we fry in Satanic heat
a Hell of our own making

we cut the earth and made her bleed
for greed and war and hate and waste
32 degrees today.
346 · Sep 2019
Bird Against a Window
Nigdaw Sep 2019
Like a bird against a window
I am convinced paradise lies beyond reflection
through  this force field

constantly chasing your shadow
I believe it guides me where I want to go
though it feints movement to fool me sometimes

I have bashed my brains out on false promises
and shadows are only after all
human shaped darkness
345 · Jun 2019
Naked Poetry
Nigdaw Jun 2019
I would love to be a famous poet
Featured in literature, plagiarised,
Asked for comment, so and so
From somewhere (age) said
Verbatim, 'quotation marks'
To reveal a piece of myself,
Make known my stance on any
Subject, but I'm a van driver
From Essex, all I'm supposed
To talk about is football, which
I hate, though I look like Raffa
Which doesn't help (If you want
to see my face, look at him, my
Italian doppelganger)
I attract abuse,
People come up to me and call me
A ******
For some decision he made,
They're stupid but not actually stupid
Enough to believe Raffa works as a courier
In Essex, are they?
So I sit naked on my bed
Writing bad poetry
Wishing
I was someone else, instead
Of a Raffa alter ego,
A Poet
Who is quoted in literature, plagiarised
Asked for comment,
Someone who mattered and
Was listened to.
336 · Nov 2019
She is Moving Away
Nigdaw Nov 2019
She is moving away:
Not in any sense of going,
It is a spiritual thing
A space between us,
Like there has never been.
She sometimes looks at me
And I don’t recognise her at all
But still see how she once was,
Recounting stories of childhood
Which always starts a row.
For all this space between us
I feel she needs me more,
To bridge the gap that teenagers
Feel as they move away;
Not in any sense of going
It is a spiritual thing,
I must take the slack up
And see her as a woman.
But I can’t help always finding
That little girl inside,
And want to reach and hug her
Tell her everything’s alright.
But I am not supposed to do that,
Because the space is there
To prove she is a woman,
Who can survive without her dad.
If she keeps on moving
But not in any sense of going,
My spirit will be broken
And my heart full of such pain;
I love her as I always have
To me she hasn’t changed,
She’ll always be my little girl;
Here comes that row again.
335 · Feb 2020
Bruxism
Nigdaw Feb 2020
enamelled armies
draw up battle lines
inside the cave of my mouth

as I sleep
they fight the war of stress
that rages in my head
shattering incisors
grinding molars
into paste

no one is going to win
no one is giving up
pretty soon I won't have anything
to smile about
335 · Oct 2019
Ugly
Nigdaw Oct 2019
You would stare if I were beautiful

but I offend your eyes
sideways glances emphasise
how afraid you are to look
confront that fear head on
people like me even exist

you sympathise of course
goes without saying, terrible
must be awful to live with

then you check your fingers
and toes, see how perfect they are
and move on, no more ugliness today
to spoil your mood.
330 · Oct 2024
creativity
Nigdaw Oct 2024
my greatest secret
none of this was planned
for decades I've been
busking it, hoping no one
will spot my inadequacies

I made a beautiful thing
but it died for an uncaring world
looking for commercial beauty
a fast track to the stars
big houses fast cars
the gem was lost for what it was
a time and a moment passed
lost seconds after it was born
never stood a chance, buried forever
in the graveyard of could have been

we all have a spark
a burn to make a mark
sometimes we are seen
in the darkness of creativity
sentenced to the madness
of looking for the ultimate thing
others fade like shooting stars
beauty seen once, then forgotten
in the next meteor shower
some never bright enough
for even the darkest night
are you with me brother
we die and the sky won't cry
even for our most tenebrous sins
329 · Aug 2019
Echo
Nigdaw Aug 2019
From one
Many will come.
Like an echo
Continued in time;
Unique in their likeness
Universally the same;
Standing together, alone
Waving in unison,
As flags at the sun.
Life and colour
Is all they have,
That they share.
Written about a field of poppies, with more than just poppies in mind.
328 · Oct 2019
Table For One
Nigdaw Oct 2019
She dies again each day when he awakes;
Slipping from dreams chaotic release, momentarily
All is as has always been; slowly the emptiness
Invades, as daylight through the curtains
Penetrates corners of the room, his mind
Drawn to clothes on the chair scented
By her perfume, slippers waiting footless by the door
Ready to shuffle across the landing to the bathroom
A journey taken for fifty years, but no more;
Downstairs the kettle waits to be filled
Just enough for one cup, a bowl for cereal
A spoon to consume, one of everything
One, singular, alone, lonely, no ‘good morning,
Love how are you’, just a table set for him.

Gotta’ keep going, always on the move
Avoiding time to think, life a blank canvas
That has to be filled with an indiscriminate
Sketch of moments, connecting into days
Creating a new picture of his life, unplanned
Unexpected, unwanted, unfinished portrait
Of a single man drowning in grief, to hang
Among the pictures she so carefully painted
Framed on the walls of the hall he walks alone
Heading for the kitchen where there waits
A table for one.
322 · Nov 2019
Miscarriage
Nigdaw Nov 2019
How can there be a space left
That was never filled,
Except with expectation.
The wonder of a face
Setting eyes on this place,
For the very first time.
A name waiting to be uttered
An identity ready to be claimed.


You lay in starched sheets
Surrounded by cheerful pink walls,
Waiting to be discharged;
After a labour that brought forth
The remnants of a life.
While at home I waited
Wanting to know your pain
To share what was still ours;
Our son lay laughing in bed
Unaware of his own small loss.


Then, like a pilot
Over the radio, as the plane
Leaves its fragile flight,
Last words of someone already dead;
The sound of an infants cry
Came across the airwaves
Of our baby monitor;
I know a trick of frequency
Picked up from a nearby house,
But never heard before
Or since, such coincidence;
As though to say goodbye.
321 · Jul 2020
space invaders
Nigdaw Jul 2020
we have no fins
yet are drawn to the sea
we have no wings
and yet take to the skies
not content to be where
evolution put us
we invade worlds
where we don’t belong
without understanding
the one we were granted
320 · Dec 2021
baby boomer
Nigdaw Dec 2021
post war baby boomer
born of Blitz lottery survivors
sixties influenced music head
mixed bad taste seventies
girly long hair and dress sense
brought new life into space age
travellers seeking new worlds
while trying to rescue the one
we messed up in the first place
317 · Sep 2019
The Leaf
Nigdaw Sep 2019
The leaf spreads
lungs of the earth

cloaking summer skies
from squinting eyes

but does it live for
that one gentle flight
of autumn, floating
to the ground
a few brief moments
of freedom
315 · Nov 2019
Argument
Nigdaw Nov 2019
Words tumble,
Like a box of nails
Spilling erratically
Onto the floor, stabbing
In all directions;
When they were made
To hold things together.


Just time to react,
But I’ve hit
My **** thumb again,
Instead of a nail on the head;
Trying to seal another
Pandora’s Box full of evil
Secrets and recriminations.


Blindly on, through the redness
Of anger, hit and run;
Blow parry, blow
So many things remembered
Like a diary of our lives,
Every occasion
I forgot, didn’t notice, ******* up.


Then silence; but not calm
A creeping space between us;
We will split
Like a piece of timber
Once useful, now driftwood
Two halves needing each other
Needing words to hold us together.
315 · Dec 2024
cuppa
Nigdaw Dec 2024
I proffered my hand in friendship
you grasped it like a lifeline
imbuing me with what you thought
a friend should be, expectations
far beyond my offer
of biscuits and a cuppa by PG
313 · Jul 2019
Table for Two
Nigdaw Jul 2019
A window seat at the end of the universe;
To watch planets collide, stars die
Black holes swallow light
Until nothing is left but a darkness,
Darker than the darkest night
Where not even a man made bulb, can penetrate.


While we sip champagne and fine wines
Dine on the tenderest meats of the earth,
Music worthy of the show outside plays
But still we can talk, almost telepathically.


So many times we had thought
We were at the end of our universe,
As our worlds collided, two stars died
Our light swallowed into a black hole
Where not even our love could penetrate.


No sweet music accompanied us
But there was the constant din of life,
Which always prevented us talking
Distracting us from our love of each other
Leaving nothing to talk about.


So before we die, when we are old
And have survived all this world,
Can throw at us;
I want to book a table for two
At the end of the universe.
310 · Oct 2022
catching the light
Nigdaw Oct 2022
slowly I process them
like tracks on a record
giving nature a helping hand
to enhance the music of light
and as I sit and look at them
they sing to me of memories
of Welsh hills lit by God
brought home as a moment
I can play over and over
until they become the soundtrack
that always makes me feel
I'm alive
307 · May 2023
inspiration
Nigdaw May 2023
put this in the old thought engine
to mince
what if this isn't the right pen
the perfect paper
a location worthy
of provocation

a lie all this time
when somewhere there is truth
I thought already found
interlaced in these words
that eludes me
and I've never had the gumption
to look

content to carry on
a thought pattern
already designed
a mind set
already plundered

a hard cold fact
that chills me to the marrow
304 · Feb 2020
KFC Night
Nigdaw Feb 2020
on the sofa
binging on bargain bucket box set series
and copious volumes of alcohol
warm in our shared delusion
that the end of the week
requires celebration
303 · Aug 2019
A Winter Memory
Nigdaw Aug 2019
I am sitting in the living room of my parent’s house;
If only these walls could talk they would tell tales
Of an open fire glowing in a darkened room, where
Curtains covered the windows, drawn against
The winter cold, chairs arranged around the grate
To capture the heat and if you left the circle
The air was icy against your face, but your body
Carried the memory of the warmth of naked flame.

And toast, cooked on the end of a toasting fork
That had a long handle, but was made of metal
So it heated up and burnt your fingers, but the
Flavour, melted butter and a slight taste of the
Coals, nothing like it can be reproduced, not even
On a gas stove (I know I’ve done it) trying to capture
Memories for my children to savour before TV,
iPads and central heating are all I can pass on.

We played cards, Sevens and Rummy I think it was
To amuse ourselves until it was bedtime, when we
Climbed the stairs to freeze between the sheets
Until finally our body heat won and warmed them,
I fell into a deep sleep, while a night light illuminated
The ceiling as I was afraid of the dark and made
Faces out of the patterned wallpaper; but now
This season looms for my dad, alone in this house,

As a dark and troubled time, my brother and I
Have flown the nest and memories of my mother
Who has passed, lurk in those dark shadows,
Where curtains cover the windows against the
Icy blast of winters cold fingers, short days
Offer a tunnel where the hope of spring beckons
At the end, not even the bright lights of Christmas
Offer much refuge, we will visit of course but he will
Always have those moments when these walls
Will talk to him, of how lonely life has become.
303 · Oct 2019
Fat
Nigdaw Oct 2019
Fat
I have stretched my skin
Around an appetite I cannot quench.
A hunger to blot out the pain
With calorific gain;
Soon the life I was running from
Caught up with me,
I became consumed
By the size of my own sorrow
My unhappiness evident
By my bulging torso.

I can no longer run from the agony
I have become it.
302 · Jul 2019
Wraith
Nigdaw Jul 2019
You are so cold
My breath steams

Wraith
Come to haunt my soul

Goosebumped skin

Peripheral vision
Glimpses your true form

Though you hide among the shadows
Behind lies and laughter
That cackles.
298 · Apr 2020
rationing rationality
Nigdaw Apr 2020
you can only have one
box of eggs she said
but we have to make omelettes
for five
well you just can't have them
she reiterated
now cashiers are making
culinary decisions in my household
297 · Jul 2019
Web
Nigdaw Jul 2019
Web
Barbed silk strands, like
Deadly Ghent lace, spun
To support an ugly
Bulbous body, poised
Demonic deformed hand
Somehow camouflaged
With ninja stillness,
Unseen in plain sight

I carry my son
Past this unwalled prison,
Where new inmates wait
To be sentenced, death
By misadventure
It’s beauty beckons
Shimmering like fire,
Belying murderous intention

His hand reaches out
Wanting to touch, explore
I cannot persuade
His eyes to see, anything
But beauty, mystery
Anymore than I
Can warn the spiders
Next prey to beware.
297 · Jun 2020
hide and seek
Nigdaw Jun 2020
she giggled and said
let’s play hide and seek
it’ll be fun

she ran off to hide
in her books and her friends
her job and Saturday nights out
soaps on tv box set marathons
long protracted telephone conversations
with her mother

I looked for her at breakfast
while busy running for the bus
home late I failed to detect
the warm glow of a relationship
cooling along with my dinner
eaten alone in cold isolation

one day we bumped into each other
in the hall dodging from side to side
we could not shake
an encounter that had to happen
sometime in a one bedroom house

she looked well though older
a few laughter lines
on her face I’d not made
around eyes that no longer smiled
for me
she giggled and said
found you at last

but sadly too late
296 · Jul 2020
character
Nigdaw Jul 2020
you have to have some belief
in yourself
without arrogance
hold yourself against the hurricane of life
lean into it
but try to make it natural
when asked about your achievements
speak quietly succinctly
don’t waste your words
on mindless fantasies be honest
but at the same time be a little proud
mention the good points
leave out the embarrassing bits
talk about the struggle
they like that
to see you’ve suffered
earned it
be a voice in a room
not a face in the crowd
be remembered when you walk away
let the wind carry you
under your tiny wings
295 · Feb 2020
Shingle Beach of a Week
Nigdaw Feb 2020
I'll trudge
this shingle beach of a week
days hurting my feet
like stones
two steps forward
one back
I'll not be defeated
the weekend
we reach our pier
rides on the waltzer
roller coaster
ferris wheel
helter skelter
until it ends
waking on the shore again
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