if you have never experienced
a 5am sunrise

the world is just coming to life
the birds rise in song
mist rolls across the fields
and on rivers and ponds
lit by golden rays
you feel alive
welcomed
a door is opened for you to accept
a day you have not yet lived

before traffic for school runs
before executives
on their death dash
adrenalin flowing
road raging

you pass with the tranquillity
of ancient man
sun worshipper
hunter gatherer
time traveller

until now
this did not exist
a thought
brought pen to paper
that I could not resist
until now
this did not exist
so, I have to find a reason
for this scribble
on a perfect ****** page
until now
this did not exist
perhaps it was always
SOMEWHERE
for this precise moment
to fill a gap between
my wife coming home
and the end of an afternoon
turning to evening
until now this did not exist
then it was gone
so much potential
never reached

a surface rippled
but not broken

traumatised

a body bruised
but not broken

cracked

still together but barely
the light may get in
but what escapes
a fractured mind

a prisoner so long
forgetting I was the architect
who built the gaol in the first place
and closed the door behind me

carefully designed for room to stand
just enough light to let the hope in
just enough space to sleep and dream
but no chance to go anywhere

I'd let myself out, but I'm afraid
of what lies on the other side
of what I shut out in the first place
the key long lost, the lock rusted

sometimes you have to meet someone
on the way down
to appreciate what you have
so I gave him his coffee
and McDonald's breakfast
going about my day
pretending I felt better
about myself

a butterflies wings
a child's laughter
a prayer for ever after
a day without sunshine
a tomorrow without hope
a **** on some bad dope
a door that's left open
a scream unspoken
a picture untaken
or a cup left
unwashed
on a draining board
next to a dishwasher

I know he's gone
passed through the window
we left open for him
when I visit now
the house is colder
for the loss of a
time traveller
who took the soul
out of this place
for me to move on
not mourn
the loss of my childhood
start living for tomorrow
not stuck in yesterday

you walk with the ignorance of youth
to live forever
tomorrow as throw away
as any cigarette ****
or boy that bored you
who mentioned LOVE
an indestructible force of nature
but once I walked with you
arm in arm laughing
a moment of time we shared
forever
you were fleetingly mine
before we parted
strangers
on a Saturday afternoon

my mother in law
lies on a gurney in a corridor
waiting for a bed
a limbo
between treatment and death
either way
the corridor clears
for the next contestant

angels dance in the inferno
of creativity
untouched by it's heat
just illuminated in flame
while I stumble through
a forest
with trees I couldn't bring
to life on a page
but Blake in his divine
madness
saw angels in the branches

my daughter wants a lift from work
she pays me with frangipanes and pasties
and tubes of sour cream Pringles
(half eaten)
my wife sleeps on the sofa
annoyed
I woke her to say I'm nicking her car
'cause the air con works
(mine doesn't)
dad is in the capable hands of the
undertaker
who are looking after him in the meantime
while I get documents and certificates
to say he died
but none say I was there
none say how much I hurt INSIDE
or how hard it is to pick up the keys
and give my own daughter
a lift home
(from round the corner)
as though it were any other day

I want to draw
what is in my heart
cathartic pictures
screaming the pain I feel
but I have neither the talent
nor the ink to express
all the skulls I see
dancing in the subset

we encourage them
to carry on
as though the party
isn't over and everyone
that matters hasn't
already gone

this music pleases me
it has the riffs
heavy bass and thundering drums
a singer whose voice
sounds like gravel and ice

but it doesn't excite me
there is plenty but not enough
there is emotion but stunted
there is noise but too controlled
I want them to hear them play
like no one is listening

winter's melancholy cold
as we fry in Satanic heat
a Hell of our own making

we cut the earth and made her bleed
for greed and war and hate and waste

a glimmer to a glow
then only embers
to remind us
of a fire that once
raged

a thousand extras
for a cast of one
and I among them

world shrunk to four walls
an armchair and tv set
have you seen mum
seven years gone
waiting

he held the knife
blade bright as the sun
with an edge
as dark as night
it's anger swallowing light

cold as a dead man's finger

meeting flesh to the bone
again and again
until rivers ran
where none should flow
his victim cold

as a dead man's finger

the scene set
for the guys from forensics
to take their pictures
make measurements
of blood spatter
then pack up the mess

cold as a dead man's finger

to the victor the spoils
mobile phone and some cash
living to make future chaos
he lies on his bed
staring at a blank ceiling
no feeling

cold as a dead man's finger

I am old
my mind forgotten
bury me
in a soul shaped coffin

I am silent
my words unspoken
bury me
in a soul shaped coffin

I am still
my muscles wasting
bury me
in a soul shaped coffin

I exist in twilight
leaves have fallen
naked and cold
winter approaching
my dance is over
a tune stopped playing
my silence filled
with children laughing

my last act
a final curtain
bury me
in a soul shaped coffin

I wrote silence
it made more sense
than anything else
I could think of

Gods will come and go
but the angels will always
walk among us
dazzled by the glow
of a finite life
lived with such
desperation
not wanting to miss a thing

I look back at the wreckage
of my life
mass of twisted emotion
car crash of desire
watching the beauty of bridges
burning out in the night
how can you understand me
when I barely know who I am
searching for personality
a place to call myself
mirrored in your eyes
I'm who you're looking for
an oasis in the desert
full of the promise of disappointment
leading to so many dead ends
that never had an entrance
lets skip the intro
move on to the overture
I don't do goodbyes
just change the music
and onto the next show

hits my system
and I shake

six days fermentation
aged for four years
in oak barrels

walks across my grave

I've distilled time
into a shiver

the night is darkest
before the dawn
but I can still see
the breath
expelled from my lungs

Alexa
Enya
oven
rain
tumble drier
cats
washing machine

I've not the arms to hold you
nor the heart to keep you warm
in spirit I am with you
to walk among the ruins
and watch your history burn
your face will always haunt me
as a fleeting moment passes
eyes that looked right through me
cradle so close to the grave

I proffered my hand in friendship
you grasped it like a lifeline
imbuing me with what you thought
a friend should be, expectations
far beyond my offer
of biscuits and a cuppa by PG

music is playing in the other room
music playing
in another room
music
in another room playing
a tune
disturbing my mood
from another room
invading my space
from somewhere else
another room
music
SHUT UP!!

there are no beds
so they are contacting
God
to see if there is a vacancy
but it looks like
not even that entity
wants you yet

I'll pay a ransom for my art
the ivory tower must release
the fair maiden
my muse
for freedom of expression

my greatest secret
none of this was planned
for decades I've been
busking it, hoping no one
will spot my inadequacies

I made a beautiful thing
but it died for an uncaring world
looking for commercial beauty
a fast track to the stars
big houses fast cars
the gem was lost for what it was
a time and a moment passed
lost seconds after it was born
never stood a chance, buried forever
in the graveyard of could have been

we all have a spark
a burn to make a mark
sometimes we are seen
in the darkness of creativity
sentenced to the madness
of looking for the ultimate thing
others fade like shooting stars
beauty seen once, then forgotten
in the next meteor shower
some never bright enough
for even the darkest night
are you with me brother
we die and the sky won't cry
even for our most tenebrous sins

not a word written
not a word uttered
thoughts stream
like traffic on the motorway
so many journeys
so many destinations
not even sure
if they all make it
Sunday fades into a sunset
Monday looms with it's onset
nothing to do but wait
a perfect moment passed
a perfect moment lost
darkness descends
this will be no more

I put you back inside your box
and placed it just behind my eye
the lid is loose and the sides cracked
light shines as though under a doorway
your story paramount in my library
when you're not here I hold a breath
that is yours and yours alone, a sigh
for when we are once more met
and history tumbles like yesterday

I lit a candle
to finally say goodbye
it felt better like a pill
had cured me
of all my anxieties
you burnt down the wax
like another life
one small light
in the cavernous space
of a church
no more room for blame
no more room for remorse
I've let go of the kite string
like I wish I'd let go of your apron
ties are cut
heaven awaits
I am at peace
and you are at rest

I will float
somewhere between my dreams
and the darkness of reality
this space holds a truth
that only my blind eyes can see
if I cease to believe
I will no longer exist
lost in space
falling upwards
into the abyss

I have taken my daughter
back to where she now lives
but she still calls this space
home
a word that describes so much
more
than just four walls and a roof
this is love, this is sanctuary, this is
roots
as long as we exist on this earth
this will always be where you
belong

I'm listening to records
not heard for thirty years
I've carried this collection
gathering dust on my shelves
needle scrapes across vinyl
music to my ears
an old friend not seen
for a while, but it
feels like yesterday
my kids look on in awe
even with their MP4
as I spin the black circle
I'll make collectors of them all
and I'm not old just retro
and it's still rock 'n' roll

he brought in cakes and out of
politeness I had to ask
how old he was,
just twenty two
I've got T' shirts older than you
I can't even remember the stupidity
the freedom and immortality
of days that just escaped me
tossing them aside as though
they were in endless supply

you wait until every precious
moment is a gift
sunsets mark an inevitable end
and the days are dark
when you neither laugh nor cry

I have worked out small talk

two people ask questions
of each other, neither
want an answer to
and without listening
to what the other comes up with
think of the next manoeuvre  
until they are locked
in meaningless conversation
that no one can break
like music, a symphony
of nonsense with the guy
on symbols waiting
to crash out at the end

tonight I am a poet
but that could just be
the drink talking

disposable breed
cogs in a big engine
they'll never know
the size of
infinitely replaceable
vending machine
of humanity
missed for a day
memory fades
with morning coffee
new recruits to train

my grandad on my mother's side
was a lamplighter
so sad that these memories should die
that in some small way
helped to make me

I witness the cruelty
I feel the beauty
what hurts me is
I'll never know
if you see it too
I hope you understand
how much I miss you
a life stolen from us
by the everyday events
that separate the way
we want to go
it feels as though we steal
the daylight we share sometimes
an almost guilty pleasure
not something we should
have a right to

her mind is chaos
thought after thought
chase each other around
a brain that never rests
half finished jobs
lie strewn across a kitchen
table where we cannot eat
and if she's lost something
watch out, better to let
the hurricane settle, for
storm winds to blow
themselves out than
disturb a train of memory
I have books and cd's
in alphabetical order
love the peace of our fish
swimming in their tanks
I am the eye where calm
persists and she sometimes
visits to rest her brain
I have learnt that love can
conquer so many differences
and this little ship we sail
has never threatened to sink yet

I watch him eating his dinner
while he digests
it devours him from the inside
the unwelcome guest
they sit together to watch tv
every programme chosen to forget
what no one wants to talk about
the unwelcome guest
he never knew when it moved in
but we're way beyond eviction
they will share that armchair
for the rest of their lives

we can never experience silence
our unquiet minds seek solace
in the noise of our creation
from the hum of the womb
around us as we grew
to the murmur of traffic
past our window
the rhythm of life plays
our tune
silence would be deafening
it would **** us all

loneliness
is a misunderstanding
of what together is
a feeling we need someone
to complete us
in truth
people are a pain
in the ****

I feel my phone vibrate
in my jeans pocket
even though it rests
in front of me on the desk
like a severed limb
can still itch

no sunset tonight
clouds cover the grand parade
of the dyeing of the light
today will end with a whisper
not a shout
we will not notice the passing
of a time we won't remember
to forget
no tears of sorrow or laughter
or regret
nothing exciting ever seems  
to happen on a Wednesday

they want to take my toys away
'cos I won't play the game their way
but they don't understand my vision
see through my eyes of contradiction
the gatekeepers have closed their realm
standing strong for what they believe in
I know they'll never let me pass
they have a hatred that's deep entrenched
I'll carry on regardless though
in my one man delusional show

the weather has changed
storm clouds overhead
while wars rage across the land
men women and children
indiscriminately die
for the cause of peace
that no one seems to find
the weather has changed
battle carried to the skies
we fight our own environment
all of us on the losing side