I could stay in bed all day and be happy.
I could wear pajamas all day and be happy.
I could watch tv all day and be happy.
I could ignore people all day and be happy.
I could cry all day and be happy.
I could do nothing all day and be happy.

But am I happy
       or just depressed?

Do you think I'm broken?
'Cause I can't tell anymore.
My smiles aren't mine;
And I can't tell anyone
Because they'll only pity me,
Or take it too personally.
But it's not about you
It's about me.
Maybe I am broken,
My mind,
My heart,
My head.
My happiness is a lie
Because I'm broken.

So I lost again
Again to another friend
I don’t want to get in the way
So I don’t
I stay in my place
[Hell, I even give advice]
I think....
I don’t know what to think
All I know is I’m jealous
But I shouldn’t be
He’s not mine
I don’t own him
I didn’t even know I had feelings for him
But every time he tells me
About his “endeavors”
I break a little more
My walls build a little higher
Because I know one day he’s going to do or say something
And it’ll make me want to break my walls
So I built a door
I shouldn’t have
I know that
But it’s there now
It’s locked
But he has the key
And one day he’ll unlock that door
And I’ll break some more

I'm hungry but I don't want to eat
I'm weak
  or fat
  or both
Judgment
   from me and others
But I don't know what they're thinking
I assume
I assume they think
   I'm gross
   and fat
   and lazy
I could just be healthy
I could exercise more
Or eat fewer carbs and more protein
But I guess
   I am lazy
because I'd rather just stop eating
I know it's bad
I know it's dangerous
But my brain and my insecurity don't communicate
I'm insecure
       lazy
       gross
       unhealthy
       FAT

New but old
New feelings
But old friends
New time
Old place
New boat
Old sea
New outside
Old inside
New friends
Old feelings
Old but new

Your life's a mess
My life's a mess
Your love's a mess
My love's...
        I don't know
Maybe I don't have it
Do I not
Do I feel it
Do I know how it feels
        No
        I don't
        I don't know how it feels
Do you
You do
But you don't feel it now

Yours is a mess
But not for me
Mine's... unsure

I'm going to stop
Stop trying with you
I'll try with him instead
Maybe he'll like me
Maybe I'll grow to like him
More than you
He'll think
        "I'm funny"
        "Pretty"
        "****"
Or I'll lose again
Alone again-
Still

I wish I was her
You laugh with her
You talk to her
You hold her
You kiss her
Why can't I be her
Why choose her
Am I not good enough
        Pretty enough
        **** enough
She’s your lover-
I’m your friend
But I’ll never be her
You won’t like me-
Like you like her
I’m not her-
You want her

She doesn’t try
Doesn’t have to
I try
Maybe too hard-
        “Notice me”
        “Look at me”
        “I’m funny”
        “I’m pretty”
        “I’m ****”
Maybe I’m wrong-
I don’t deserve you
Not like she does-
        “She’s funnier”
        “She’s prettier”
        “She’s sexier”
But I have something-
She doesn’t have
        “I’m more broken”

Waves                             they                     happy
     call me.                          call                       when I
       They crash                    out to                     see them
        and laugh                      me, with                 dance. They
    with the wind.                their beauty            beckon me
Beautiful and elegant      and shine. I am       towards them.

I don't see

the light that shines above,

only darkness

that tears into me.

Smells like sadness
Sounds like crying
Feels like death
Tastes like depression
Looks like anxiety

Purple, shiny with edges, nooks, and crannies
Light bounces off and dances along the walls

Cakes, cookies, cheese
Oh can I have them please
Burgers, dogs, fries
I can’t live with all these lies

Friends, fakes, foes
Oh what I’d do for some ** hos
Mascara, lipstick, eyeliner
I wish I was in a greasy diner

Short skirts and high heels galore
I’m starting to look like a *****
They say they’re worried of my composure
They are the reason I changed my figure

Skin and bones they say
But they said I was the size of a sleigh
I did this for them to make them happy
But here I am unhappy and former fatty

I wait
I sit and wait
Nothing
Nothing comes
Nothing goes
Empty and alone
I still wait
I still sit and wait
Still nothing
Still nothing comes
Still nothing goes
Still empty and alone

he is beautiful
he is bad
he's my crucible
he is sad
he makes me happy
but now he's gone
why'd he leave
it was all a con

there is a feeling
that is not a feeling

it is everything
it is nothing

it is here
it is gone

what is it
where is it
why is it

but this feeling is there
or not

Why do we like what's bad for us?
Why are we drawn to it?
Why do we obsess?
Why do we become addicted to people or things?
Why do we need them like oxygen?
.
.
.
.....just.....
.
.
.
Why?

Waves crash and thrash
Fire burns and and makes only ash

Ice is cold and clear
Wind blows across the pier

All are different
But all can hurt

They’re just like words
Only words hurt worse

Your eyes are cold and distant
Never a smile
Never a laugh
I just wanted to be your friend
How could you hate me so much?
I don’t know what I did
I don’t know how to fix this
So it’s time I said goodbye to you
To your childish tricks and games
To your hatred of everything I love
To your all-consuming sadness
So goodbye and sorry

Your not-friend,
Sydney

Alone
Sometimes peaceful
Sometimes loud
Sometimes sad
Sometimes good
Lonely is different
Lonely is bad
And scary
Can’t see, can’t hear, can’t breathe,
Loneliness suffocates