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Sydney Apr 12
So I lost again
Again to another friend
I don’t want to get in the way
So I don’t
I stay in my place
[Hell, I even give advice]
I think....
I don’t know what to think
All I know is I’m jealous
But I shouldn’t be
He’s not mine
I don’t own him
I didn’t even know I had feelings for him
But every time he tells me
About his “endeavors”
I break a little more
My walls build a little higher
Because I know one day he’s going to do or say something
And it’ll make me want to break my walls
So I built a door
I shouldn’t have
I know that
But it’s there now
It’s locked
But he has the key
And one day he’ll unlock that door
And I’ll break some more
Honestly don’t know where I was going, just kind of stream of consciousness.
Sydney Mar 15
I'm hungry but I don't want to eat
I'm weak
  or fat
  or both
   from me and others
But I don't know what they're thinking
I assume
I assume they think
   I'm gross
   and fat
   and lazy
I could just be healthy
I could exercise more
Or east fewer carbs and more protein
But I guess
   I am lazy
because I'd rather just stop eating
I know it's bad
I know it's dangerous
But my brain and my insecurity don't communicate
I'm insecure
I guess this is just a reflection of the thoughts I've had in the past. If you are going through this please tell someone I went through it alone and it was really difficult.
  Feb 8 Sydney
Do you ever feel so ugly in your own skin?
Where you pinch and grab at your physical reasons to hate yourself
All the taunts and cruel phrases relive in your jiggles
You fad diet yourself into comfort,
Only to be reminded of your deep scars as you catch a glimpse in the reflection
You strive for societal perfection as you let yourself slip into a cracked version of someone you were
The fear that happiness is gone for good
And this is all that's left
been fighting for years
Sydney Feb 8
New but old
New feelings
But old friends
New time
Old place
New boat
Old sea
New outside
Old inside
New friends
Old feelings
Old but new
Sydney Feb 8
Your life's a mess
My life's a mess
Your love's a mess
My love's...
        I don't know
Maybe I don't have it
Do I not
Do I feel it
Do I know how it feels
        I don't
        I don't know how it feels
Do you
You do
But you don't feel it now

Yours is a mess
But not for me
Mine's... unsure
Sydney Feb 8
I'm going to stop
Stop trying with you
I'll try with him instead
Maybe he'll like me
Maybe I'll grow to like him
More than you
He'll think
        "I'm funny"
Or I'll lose again
Alone again-
Sydney Feb 8
I wish I was her
You laugh with her
You talk to her
You hold her
You kiss her
Why can't I be her
Why choose her
Am I not good enough
        Pretty enough
        **** enough
She’s your lover-
I’m your friend
But I’ll never be her
You won’t like me-
Like you like her
I’m not her-
You want her
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