I'm just me...
An expectation by royal decree,
Why should you ask for so much,
Knowing I could never please you as such?

Set the bar high
So I know my place
When you were wanting to die
I was left as nothing but a disgrace

Set the bar low
So I know your trust
When you were wanting to go
I was left to nothing but rust

Set the bar fair
So I know of chance
When you were wanting to be happy my dear
I was left as a puppet to dance

Set the bar high
So I know how it feels
When you were wanting to break down and cry
I was left alone as my heart reels

Set the bar low
So I know where to fall
When you were wanting answers I didnt know
I was left with nothing at all

Set the bar fair
So I know you love me
When you were wanting everything to be square
*I was left patiently waiting to see

I wonder when heaven has died,
The skies are all falling,
Im breathing but why?

In silence I hold on,
To you and I.

The dark is a terribly scary thing
It keeps me awake at night, the sounds, hallucinations...
I cant stand the dark, it breaks me down and plays to my fears
There  IS  someone there, I  KNOW  it!

Open water imposes and intimidates
I fear boats and the ocean with its great expanse
The inability to swim is partly my problem, but even being able to wouldnt help me
I cant, I cant, I cant, I cant....I cant

There is nothing quite as loud as silence
Piercing, sharp and precise. It rings my ears, driving me mad
Night time gets me, the dark, the silence... It becomes too much
Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop!

One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do
We all want space, time to ourselves but I just cant
I crave social interaction and go into a panic state, the dark, silence, alone... Do you see the reason I dont sleep
Please stay with me...dont go...dont leave me alone....

Never being good enough, for yourself or others
As a human I fear rejection and disappointing other, becoming a failure
An overwhelming sense of guilt fills me when I cant live up to myself or others expectations
You still love me though...right? Im not a failure aye?

All of that means nothing

My greatest fear...is losing you...
The nightmares have plagued me in every which way
Sleepless nights spent in worry, the fact I know you hurt yourself sometimes never helps... I fear life without you, fear for how itll be
*Stop...please...dont go...Im sorry

It has been long
Since I's last here
A lot has changed
Too much I fear

Once upon, then ago
Nothing but sorrow
Since that time before
Waiting for tomorrow

Concealed in me
Was locked away
Till the monster inside
Could come out to play

Dont believe for a moment
As if you know me
Look a little deeper
No longer cease to see

Write 1000 words
Each one a different sound
Meaning behind each and every
Sinking beneath the ground

Another paragraph
Yet another rhyme
Heart and soul empty
Reached the end of time

No sense to be made
You couldn't understand
Don't listen anymore
Adhere your *reprimand

Somedays
Im not strong enough
To carry on

Somedays
Im not brave enough
To ask for your help

Somedays
Im not open enough
To show how I really feel

Somedays
I dont care enough
For how I am

Somedays
I dont eat enough
Choosing starvation

Somedays*
I dont want life enough
To wanna continue

Somedays
I just feel empty inside
Screaming silently

Somedays
I question what
Im doing, if at all anything

Somedays
I question who
Im turning into and who I am

Somedays
I question where
I'm going to find the answers to the problems

Somedays
I question when
Im finally able to say I did something and am happy

Somedays
I question how
Im even getting out of bed in the morning

Somedays
I question why*
Im still alive

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
Too much has happened,
Nothing is true.*

I dont feel pain,
Nor am I hurt.

I dont feel anger,
Nor am I mad.

I feel sadness,
For I am upset.

I feel dissapointment,
For I realised,
Nothing lasts forever...

I'll
Stop hoping
Stop wishing
Stop talking
Stop living
Stop,
I'll stop

I'll
Stop moving
Stop breathing
Stop thinking
Stop living
Stop,
Just stop

I'll
Stop lying
Stop fighting
Stop misunderstanding
Stop living
Stop,
Finally stop

I write this
Through watery eyes
and trembling hands.
Who are you?

Am... I a monster?
I don't remember doing anything...
Last night you confessed
You felt so happy and loved...
Till i went to sleep.
Awakening to y-you...

Only

That wasn't you...
You acted like... I hated you...
Saying I wanted you gone...and
Didn't care...

I began trembling in fear...
Scared and worried if you were okay
You said you were sorry... that you were just stupid so...
I asked you what was wrong... worried
For the way you were acting
You told me... it didn't matter...that I d-didn't care...
By n-now im shaking and crying... what did i do?
I asked you again... why you were saying these things...
You...yelled...told me you didnt know and to get off your case...
I apologized... I was in the wrong... I guess...
Sunken into myself i jusy shook and trembled quietly...
Till you told me to...stop and be happy...
Be nice to you... and when i again questioned what you w-were saying... that was wrong... it w-was just me not caring again...
I put on a smile and wished you a good day in the hopes thats what you wanted anf that it'd make you happier... cept...
It wasn't the case... you called me out...
So I told you I wasnt happy... but afraid and confused...
Sorry for ruining your day i guess...

I dont know what just h-happened or w-who that was... but it happened three times... you'd apologize and then something would happen...

Is it...me?

Is a word...it has a meaning but each to its own,
I. Am stronger than you think
Stronger than I look...

My mental strength is minimal and im breaking down losing the plot

Physically Im weak and have nothing to me, a pushover

Im expected to be strong
If im not strong for us and those around me who will be?
Im expected to be strong when im not
Yet I push that fact aside and put a smile on my face so it pleases you

Are you happy now?
Look im stronger...for you...for us hehe...

I may be more broken than I appear
But then again I may appear more broken than I am...
...whose to even know anymore

To truly smile....I have forgotten how
When Im going insane with everything in my head now
Ive gone mad inside and I need some clarity
The only person who can help me is me...
...isnt it a pity Im too lost in my head to figure out how

We'll work on it
Until then I will be strong for you and for us
I am not strong...
...I am you'll find actually quite quite weak...

You ever have that moment where you feel so subhuman
One no longer knows what it means to have self-worth?
Ever find yourself so far from who you expected to be that
Looking in the mirror you dont see the person who stared you back this morning?

At what point do we acknowledge we have become this anti-us
That we became the monster we fought to never become?
Dont you just wish you could turn back time?
Take that one moment that so plagues your life away?

I will never live down the actions I took
To snap and turn on you believe me kills me inside
Not to imagine what it did and does to you...
I'm sorry will never be enough but id say it every hour of the day
Whatever I could to make it up to you...

What kind of boyfriend, betrays his partners trust in them but turning on them?
What kind of a kind human betrays his own words to become so cruel?
What kind of a gentleman allows himself to fall further than the puddle he do kindly lay on for the girl to walk over?

I have acknowledged where I went wrong
I cant fix that now or ever
I can only work to making sure it never happens ever again

*I wouldn't want to live doing such a thing ever again to someone so close to me...

“What’re you up to?” His simple text said.
“Just eating cereal and lying in bed.”
“What if I was with you?” he responded with ease,
“I guess I’d get more cereal if I please.”
And that’s when he said it, that simpering lad, that stupid response that makes all of us mad.
My mind filled with dread, with a twist in my gut,
I picked up my phone and read: “Haha, and then what ;)”

"And then what?!" Shocked by his assumptious pleas,
"Leave me alone, I'm begging you please."
And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse,
He muttered those three dreaded words.
Yes, I kid you not. That little *****.
I opened his next message that read "Pic 4 a Pic?"
I then retorted; "No, don't send your unsolicited 'pics', I surely can see past your little tricks."
And that's when things took an alarming switch.
The boy with a wounded ego replied, "You're just an ungrateful *****."
The very next morning, the boy put on his fedora and let out with a sigh,
"Why does no one like me? I'm such a nice guy."

To the absolute love of my life
You are the epitome of perfection and embody it in everything that you are and everything thar you do.
It's always a bootiful day with you around.
You are the sun to my rise;
The heart to my beat.

I dont know what id do without you
Your loving nature
The purity of your smile and
The kindness of your heart
You are what makes me, me
And why i can truly say I'm the luckiest guy in the world to be your one and only

The path that lay behind us
May be jaggered and bumpy with uncertain corners and paths
But the path that lies before us
Is one in which we're paving everyday

I want to continue this journey with you
The rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and after
My one true love

By God, what have we done?
Lost in those hours in which we had fun.
Tis this evil, this cruel twisted fate,
That cut us short on our special Skype date.

Now you're gone, then again so am I,
What's worse is, I can't hear you cry.
Fate is kind and will bring you back,
Set everything out on a nice smooth track.

I needn't worry, I needn't fear,
We'll be together very soon my dear.
Till then think of me as I do you,
I'll see your smile when the sky turns blue.

Thank you all for the continued
Love and support over the last 9 months

Thank you for the sweet comments
The heartwarming support
And to Nigel Finn who made my Christmas with a sun.

Big thank you for 40,000 views and almost 1,000 likes.
That's phenomenal.
Hope my pieces still bring you joy, inspiration or relation

A little late but here's to a new year!

This is a note to thank you, with all my heart, for showing me how precious and amazing love can be.

The nicest times in my days are the moments when I think about sharing a beautiful life and a priceless life... with you

What we have is so far beyond anything I have ever known before! The relationship I've always dreamed of... is the deeply real and enormously special one i share... with you

I think the words "with you" are two of the sweetest words ever spoken. And I want you to know that I'd like nothing better than to go on saying them forever because...

It is such a joy to be with you, to have so much to look forward to, and to wake up feeling like everyday is a gift I've been given.

I love sharing my life...

                         *With You

I wanna run away from here
It sound super simple, I really would do it
But the sole thing keeping me is fear

I wanna run far from my parents
They're the sole problem keeping me from being happy
Such rules and expectations in which they demand adherence

I wanna run away to be with you
Thats all we need and itll fix everything thats wrong
Right now Im struggling...with no means to push through

I wanna run right now
But I wont have a home to come back to if I do
This is something my parents just wont allow

I would run to you, run far from this place, far from everything
But I would be pulled back by my parents in the back of a policecar no doubt
They would confiscate everything I have as means of anything
Which means id never be able to see or hear from you ever again
I dont want that...it wouldnt be a life worth living, but then again how is now any better?

I want to be there as soon as possible and you know that
But the fear instilled through blackmail in me keeps me planted here
There are other perspectives that I am forced to look at

Dont think Im not trying
Dont think Im abandoning you...
Im not..,
Abandoning you believe it or not...would be coming to you cause once I return youre gone for good

They told me Id want what I couldn't have.
But they were wrong.

They told me I was never good enough for anyone.
But they, were wrong.

They said Id achieve nothing in life.
But they, were...wrong.

They called me "skin and bone" the "skeleton king" telling me I couldnt lift  twig.
But...they were, wrong.

They teased I was gay and that I has more chance with men than women.
But, they were wrong.

They told me people were kind to one another, that we are respectful.
But they were wrong...

They taught me to treat others how I wanted to be treated.
Guess I was wrong

They taught me to love and to give never to recieve.
*Guess you were wrong

Right here,
In this hollow bed

From weary eyes, these tears are  shed.
Nothing of joy and loneliness  bred.
A torn body, here lay out  spread.
Wondering where every dream has  led

Right here,
In this hollow bed.

From exhausted thoughts, here I rest my  head.
Nothing of candor and engulfed in  dread.
A torn spirit, whose faith seem only a  thread.
Wondering how much more may lay  ahead.

Right here,
In this hollow bed.

From countless cries, here reflection  imbed.
Nothing of remorse and words  unsaid.
An aching heart, this love  embed.
Wondering how long till the day we  wed.

Right here,
**In this hollow bed

You don't have to put another thought to me.
I don't have to exist in that part of your heart anymore
But you exist there for me
I can't bear to exist without you there anymore.

I miss
Your bright, warming and truthful smile
I miss
Your innocent, pure and honest laugh
I miss
Your unwavering, strong and undying loyalty
I miss
Your soft, tender and loving embrace
I miss
Your quiet, compassionate and dedicated love
I miss
Your ******, delicate and natural body
I miss
You...

My name is Ryan
Im currently 18yrs old.
I live in a tiny country called New Zealand
Extrovert by nature
I'm happily dating someone younger than me and couldnt care less about societies opinion on her ♡

This is who I am

So I walk a little different
So I'm a little more feminine
So I'm overly charismatic
So I'm into weird things
So I'm romantic and cheesy mixed with cliché

This is who I am

So what I have almost as many photos of Korean boybands as I do my beautiful partner
So what I watch Japanese anime even though I don't speak nearly any Japanese
So what I sit inside all day and game
So what I'm a massive star wars nerd

*This is who I am

This ones for you and you'll know who you are.
Not you like ive written about before, but you who I wish to address right now...

You have suffered and you have fought,
Yet your determination is so well-wrought.
If these are the times in which you hurt most,
Then life is a demon and you are its host.

Don't let this world around you depict who you are,
You can make it out, the end isnt far.
There is strength in you where others saw none,
Fight these battles knowing you've already won.

If that tree is to fall, there are those that would hear,
If you fell in that crowd, I amongst others would tend to your care.
I am but a stranger to you, as you are to me,
It takes the aid of another to help the "blind man" see.

To you Nicole, yes this is for you
You shan't deny that my rhymes here are true.
No longer shall you, be held together by glue,
But wake up tomorrow to skies full of blue.

I got a small taste of what it's like to live with you.
Not much I know but hey, it was great while it lasted right?

Few brief days we shared as proof that love despite distance is true.
How many months have we been proving others wrong?

One day I think we'll be together indefinitely no matter what we do.
Oh how I can't wait for that day, will everything be perfect then?

*I truly believe

There is no reversing it
You cannot take back
Whats said and done

There no bargaining with it
When your time is up
There is nothing you can do or say

Theres no taking back what was said
Anymore so than what wasnt
There is no taking back what one has done
No more so than what one forgot to

Just like my actions
I cannot take back these bruises on my thighs
Anymore so that I
Can take back the black around my eyes

Will things ever be the same?
Ironically
Only time will tell