You begged me to make you whole but you left me empty.
Should you support someone who broke you?
You can try and be bigger than what they left of you. To treat them like they aren't the monster you remember. Like they were the only ones hurting and that make it ok. That now they are going to change. Now it'll be different for them. Now they can be happy and you should be happy for them.
I don't believe it
This was not the life I chose.
I swore I was on another path
One where no one could stop me.
Maybe I was just too young and too naive.
Everything I thought I was escaping was waiting for me at the other end.
No, I never chose this but it sure did choose me.
You know it's funny, to be back here. Posting and feeling similar to I did last time. Maybe I'll feel better if I just keep letting it out.
She spoke to me in poetry
I was just too young and illiterate to understand
You wonder why I never seem to love you as much as I do my mother.
You wonder why I only attack and put up my defenses in your presence.
You think your 'jokes' are funny.
You think you should always be in control.
Well ******* and your mentally abusive bulllshit. I see you try and degrade my mom and she is much stronger than i. She tells me why marrying a man like you is wrong yet she can't follow her own advice...she won't just leave
You are the reason I don't trust men. You are the reason I push people away. You are the reason I can't see through these pessimistic glasses. You are the reason when a boy says he loves me I run. You are the reason I don't know how to love.
You have NO control and that's why you play my mom like a doll. You aren't smart enough to see what's in front of you. You are a bigot and part of me hates you.
I've spent most my life calling you dad and now I'm old enough to understand that THIS is NOT love...I don't even know who you really are.
I'm disappointed I'm not rich.
I'm disappointed I don't come from a wealthy family.
I'm disappointed I'm not white and beautiful.
I'm disappointed I have depression.
I'm disappointed in everyone I fell in love with.
I'm disappointed I didn't get into the school I had been working my whole life for.
I'm disappointed with all the failures I've had I'm my life because they are practically my life.
I'm disappointed I had to be strong and disappointed.
And I'm just so sick of being disappointed that I'm sad.
I never planned to kiss you that night.
But your sleepy eyes hold this unexplainable power that in that moment it was the only thing I wanted.
I never meant to play this game.
I put up walls, I became cold and hard, oil promised to never not know where I stand with someone...to always be straight forward....silly me for thinking you understand..you were the same.
I never meant to fall in love with you.
But in this hellish world you found the right time to enter, you put in effort, you stayed when I was my worst...when I was terrible to you...
So yeah I fell in love and I think it's a no...but I still can't tell if you feel the same.
Nothing has changed.
I still feel drained.
I am still the heartbroken girl I was months ago.
You really would think I would know.
But I fall time and time again.
Thinking that maybe this time they'll actually want to be my friend.
But it's always a lie.
Or the love always will die.
Because who could love a girl like me. and everyone loves a boy like him. and there always be a him that I will fall in love with things will never be alright the broken hearted girl.
I love you more than I will ever be able to admit.
But I'll never be as popular as you. I will never completely fit in with your friends. Together, we will always get looks because we are just so different... But when we're alone, as you know, really not that different. and it's sad I love you because you will never reciprocate those feelings out loud if you feel that way at all.
She silently called for a boy who would never be there.
A boy she mistook for a man because "he is different..."
Silly girl, he's not your prince... and maybe no one is.
" I just want to be loved"
She sobbed as hot tears reminded her she was alive
It's becoming obvious that the thing I had thought I had tucked away was only playing a bigger game. It was when I thought to jump off the local bridge when I realized it was back and that shook every broken peice of me. I wanted to love "him" so bad but now the monster has made his name a bitter taste in my mouth. My depression makes me replay every mistake I made with him a thousands time before it reminds me how pathetic of a person I am. There has never been an escape for me. I'm so sick of feeling alone and worthless. Alone and worthless...I was free.
Get out. I never asked you to come here. Just leave and take your luggage and take your words out my ****** heart. You run through my mind without knowing it and I can't seem to get you to leave when I bring it to your attention.
When did I fall for you? Must have been before the kiss because once we kissed I wanted more of all of you. Get out and let me breathe.
Don't tell me to smile when it's obvious I'm livid. Grit teeth and anger seeping from my pores. I won't ******* do it for you anymore.
A poem for society....and my father.
It's true the heaviest heart writes the prettiest poetry.
I'm hurt. I'm afraid. I'm in love. I'm alone.
I've always hated heights.
I'm afraid of falling.
I'm scared to allow you in.
I put my walls up for a reason.
I've been hurt before.
I'm terrified of love.
And I cant be alone.
Why the hell did I fall for you?
When I was minding my own **** buisness
You walked on the edge of my mind until you found your way in.
Please. Be gentle with me...those walls. They were supposed to protect me.
It's guys like you who remind me to taste the world. Guys like you who hold the fork so dangerously close to my lips. Boys who remind me to love blindly with eyes open wide as to not miss a second. Men who remind me not all will be there to catch me when I fall. Those who leave when complexity shows its perplexing face. This is for the guys no matter how hard you or I or anyone tries won't be able to keep us together. Or even the boy who knew that from the beginning. No lie, I hate you. Leaving me hanging for more, fantasizing for weeks, crying, falling, stumbling so close to the edge, crying. But I must admit without you those in-between's would be trill-less. Thank you for making hell a whole lot more interesting.
The most relieving thing I've written
Hey so take this with a grain of salt because I still can't pull myself from my anxiety to tell you this in person but I **** ed up and don't have time. Ive alwasy been wreck and honestly liking you was unexpected especially because I was talking to a kid who I thought I liked. You threw me off guard and it scared me so I threw up my defences. I'm not sorry for my anxiety attack or getting mad. I am sorry for expecting you to just get over it.I'm sorry for thinking you'd understand me without giving you the chance to see me jealous or protective or whatever. And I'm sorry for this ****** "sorry/explanation/confession" cause this isn't like me but I want to get this out of my head so I can enjoy my vacation next week not carrying this lump in my chest. This comes up because I was talking to the guy again and as we talked I was reminded I really still don't know where I stand with you and wanted to push myself to move on if you hated me. Which you have the right to do so. Ok, enjoy your week!
The day my home turned to a battlefield was the day my mom said I so to a man who tough she loved him is worth less than dirt in her presence and less than that when she's gone. No lie I picked a side long before the war begun but it is still scary being the only one unarmed.
his laugh is my favorite movie. I play the scenes over and over again in my head the way he smiles the way he looks at me the way my hand fit into his. The million words that were said and his laugh that I lost. I lost the original so now I'm left with the movie playing in my head and knowing I will never have the feeling that I did when I got to watch it first hand. when I got to love him for the first time.
I don't know what to do anymore. I am no love Messiah. I cannot read your mind if you do not respond to my questions. I know I acted too soon. I just thought you were different. I thought you would understand. But I forget that even though you both have problems doesn't mean they are the same and I'm sorry. I'm sorry but i will not say sorry until you tell me where I stand. For if you love me I will try but if you don't I will walk out of your life as if I was never there because I don't have it in me to worry about someone doesn't want to be with me in the first place. my love will never be perfect I will make mistakes I am human. I am good though. Normally I do play my cards right but this one time I messed up.but I don't know how to move on I don't know where to go from I can't read you. Please just speak to me. it hurts.
But my love for you is
I didn't mean to lose you. But the only thing I'm good at is pushing people who love me away.
I miss him. I hate feeling alone. I'm sorry. So sorry.
I love your taste in music. It's strange and something I would never find myself listening to by myself but with you it seems like second nature. It feels like something I've been meaning to do my whole life. I love when you hold my hand. How you twittle our fingers. Our thumbs rubbing against each other a reminder that maybe you actually cared. I love the way you looked at me. It made me forget all the other looks I've been given by anyone. Its not the same with you. Your looks have me dying inside because you won't look my way now. The glimmer of something in your eyes as you check over your shoulder as you drive to see if I'm still paying attention. I was never one to fall asleep in the car but with you I just might. I just might because I would love to give you the opportunity to look over and see my sleeping face but now you won't look my way. I love the way that I still love you and I never said I love you and I never felt like I "loved" you this is how I know I loved you. Because it never felt like falling. because it felt like drifting asleep as you looked at me and in the car with your music blaring and our hands intertwined I never didn't trust you. Not until you didn't call. Afraid of my own insecurities and that I would never get to feel that feeling of drifting again I push you away and now I can't see past the walls that I put up. I can't tell if you're still standing there waiting for me or left. I love your smile and your blue eyes and the smell of the sweatshirt you here nearly every day. I like you more then I thought and I know I let you in quicker than I have let anyone else in but that's because I'm so tired..and drifting was just so easy.
You've never felt more self pity
and embarrassment in school until
You've walked down the halls
Eyes brimmed with tears you
fight to hold in all day and the
Inability to tell anyone what's
going on because you know what
Has made you feel this way but
It all is just too much and putting
It in word would force the breath
Out of your lungs and the water out
of your eyes.
I'm just so tired...sick of a lot
I am cold. I watch them pass me by and never care to look...nearly as if they are too afraid. I scream and cry but no one cares. There used to be scares yet now there are none...just empty nothingness. I must be finally dead.
If you say I'm your girlfriend..
You can pick me up after work or I'll drive to yours and lock you lips with mine and tell you I'm sorry because to make it work I'll swallow my pride. I'll entwine my fingers with yours and remind you I am a tornado and the closer you get the more you'll get hurt but I will love you.
If you say we are just...friends...
I will wait until you get over this and always be there because I will love you from the shadows. I will be by your side because I know not every one you love will love you back the same.
If you say we are nothing...
That you never want to see my face again...
I will leave and cry myself to sleep for endless nights but I promise I will never bother you again. We will be the ones who let eachother walk away but I will go.
Just please for the sake of my sanity....
Let me know
You love the gentle force that slowly begins to get stronger with our every interaction. You love the way my hair stays wild like fresh from *** wild. And you love the way my eyes have that passion. You love the regret and darkness that hides there too...I know. But you've fallen in love with a tornado and I will tear you apart the closer you come. And the longer we interact the more you realize your resentment for me. You loved the beauty of this storm from a far now you might get hurt. You will not escape my love without a few broken peices.
But it will be the most beautiful hell you've ever ran with...I promise
I am the storm that been tearing us apart from the beginning
Your lips phantom kiss me as I daydream of you. They being petal soft with a gentle pressure that takes my breath away. Those lips who haven't yet kissed mine though I feel a determination to make that untrue because they have my mind scrambling to taste. I want them to be solely mine
I've always cared too much.
So now as I sit thinking of
All the things I've said that
Have messed up this relationship
I can't help cry and turn my
Attention to you. Hair, eyes,
Smile, lips that I have yet kissed.
I'm reminded just how much
I care for you...and if you cared
Anywhere near how much I
Feel about you, you'd never let
me sit and feel this way....
I'd come so far to recovery
And somehow I find myself back at the start.
To the boy who makes loving easy again.
I watch you feeling as if in a movie and I'm not sure if my eyes sparkle as I watch you but I promise I feel like they do.
You make loving you so easy,I swear there is a catch.
Loving you is easy because my heart doesn't flutter and fill my mouth with butterfly words I didn't mean to say but mostly I fall deepest in love when there is nothing to say at all...when I get to watch you on the drive home with eyes that may or may not sparkle. I don't know.
When you look back just to check on my knowing I'm probably looking at you anyways and look just a second too long so you drift so close to the curb I'm forced to squeeze you hand just a pinch tighter.
My constant anxiety falls silent.
My concept of time ticks away.
I'm not sure why but it's a peace that I've never really felt before so if I'm clingy or want to be around you too much or even try to avoid you it's because I'm afraid to become addicted.
Loving you is easy, yes and now I know that movie love can be true.
I've finally broken. I've done that bad thing you don't speak of. Four ever so small tally marks under my thumb. I promise it's not serious I just wished for some control over my body...No one's noticed, there was only one before, and it makes me wonder how many more before the secrets out. ;
Breathe in deep.
Take in all that pains you.
Let it touch your life
Breathe out fully.
Remember it'll be better in the end.
You are the first guy in a while I haven't been mad at, soely sexually attracted to, and or just uncomfortable around.
Maybe...no.. I know my brain is twisting the kind acts you show me for attraction but I like you.
I really like you.
The cheesy hugs to the catch of the eye or the pulling me just far enough away from my group of friend to have a though brief, nice conversation about my day.I notice.
And now I notice the tired in your voice the and sad in you walk but also the victory and laugher in that smile and strut of yours.
It started as a joke and soon I felt comfortable in your arms though once you left I wanted them around me again. Maybe as more or maybe just you have you make me smile just a little while longer.
Yeah. I like this feeling...I want more sure but I'm comfortable and I'm not quite ready to change that.
What is this feeling.
I don't know, when it happened , why it happened, or even how it happened,finally that weight you left on my chest just disappeared. I looked at you loving her and though my heart still skipped a beat I no longer wished to be someone you love, someone I am NOT. I've come to accept that I am NOT someone you'll ever love. And that's okay. There's a bit of weight on my heart coming with realizing we both don't love each other but there's also a release of realizing I don't need you.I was so close to the edge waiting for you but realizing you really weren't at the bottom after all has made me come closer to someone who actually be out there for me. I'm not saying this makes me completely happy having hope for something near was great but now I have hope in general because I know it might not be you and I don't have to waste time hoping for only you it can be anyone and I'm willing for anyone. And I will never come back to you i promise, from this day forth, because you played me and if you love her so much you can have her just keep me out of the equation.
I know you found my poetry so I hope you find this one too.I hope you read everything. Every beat every tear every cut in between them because that's all you have left for me. No more.
I've finally moved on!
He said he found my poetry...
God, oh, silly me.
He said he found my poetry.
A blushing red I be.
It's true I never said his name.
But by writing about him I played his game.
He read all of my poetry.
And didn't feel the same
Here's the problem. I hate you. But I would give it all to wrap my legs around you and hold you close and kiss your lips. To run my fingers through your short hair. To smile as you do. How it kills me that it's not socially acceptable to slap your face as hard as I possibly can out of the blue, when no one knows what goes on between me and you. The more you use me the more I want you. Here's the problem. I think. I love you.
There's a prince in every PRINCEss.
So stay strong,beautiful.
Idk if I heard this or not but it's been floating in my head and it needed to be said.
There's a point of incredibly deep sadness when it all stops.
The world, the feelings, the crying at 3 o'clock in the morning it disappears.
I felt it last night and feared I had done something to try to make life stop but I hadn't so like many sad nights I escaped to dreams and wondered if I'd wake in the morning...
Not even the heart aches or longs for anything...like the brain finally one and now it sit quietly in you chest. You hope it would cry like the -zillion times before to remind you it was there. But you get nothing just silence.
There is that point of deep silence where everything you wish would just go away....finally does....and it's not what you wanted.
I've reached that point and I want to go back...even when it hurt because now...I don't know what I even am.
Thoughts while standing at a football game.
It's true pain is beauty.
You see it in the shadows of her bright eyes and in the broken fullness of her laugh. You see it in the fake-Ness of her smile. Every inch of her struggles you feel though she tries so hard to keep you sheltered from it...and you fall in love with the beautiful chaos.
Ist's hard to fall out of love with him when you're constantly reminded I've just why you fell in love in the first place. You swore you would never say you fell in love again but you did and truthfully maybe you never really fell deeply in love after him. Maybe you never fell out of love with him either. And honestly you're in love with an image of him...so whenever you see his image on social media the butterflies in your stomach fluster. The beating of your heart races as every angry you thought you have a towards him disappear, every single one. Because maybe he was your first puppy love maybe he he was your first love maybe he is your true love and maybe isn't/wasn't and even though it kills you to be away and not know something inside you will forever be reminded of your love for him even if he'll never be yours.
Smile cause sometimes it gives others the strength to carry on.
In a bit of a rough spot lately.
Can't seem to dig my way out
I mean why would you want to date me? I'm loud. I like to start a fight just so after we can make up I know not every time will make up but I do know that every time we will make out. Funny. I'm depressed I'm in love. I'm not in a relationship to have puppy love I'm in a relationship to be in a relationship. No if ands or buts.I'm a handful but I'm not high maintenance. I'm a shipwreck at sea. I'm hell and high water. I'm a tornado on the house you grew up with. Someone who wants to tear down your walls to see the beauty in you so then I can tell you about it. Someone who will point out your flaws, constantly. But only because I hope to work on them with you hope to help make you grow, in my own..blunt..ways. If we hang out too long I might...probably...get sick of you. And if we're too far away for too long I get jealous, confused... afraid. I'm strong. I am independent. I am someone who does not need you and I am someone who will not always want you. So I guess that's the beauty of me. I am no perfect human Nor will I ever be the perfect mate. I am crazy and weird and fun. I am stressful and passionate and want relationship neither one of us will ever forget. Because in a relationship that's just who I am.
Relationship notes to myself
He used to sing to me
With a slow, meaningful , lull of a voice that was calming yet painful to listen to him, because there was so much more than just the words.
I miss his singing.
It used to remind me I was alive. Reminded me I hurt...and that's okay.
But my music is gone.
I no longer can listen to a cover of a song I had never heard before but felt I had heard it a thousand times...or even when he sang with no real words...my heart would melt. I saw human in such a pure form...
He used to sing for me and take the pain away.
She wished to wear your 73 football jersey.
She wished to see you smile with dimples so deep she felt her heart ached in their presence.
She wished to taste your tongue as it perused her teeth.
She wished to feel the warmth of your hand in hers as you walked down the aisles.
She wished you'd still choose her even though she knew you had began to look for someone new...
She wished to wear your jersey....
and she wished for you.
Yet, not one of her dreams ever came true.
My love life from way back till now...litterally and theoretical
once again I turn to poetry because it makes a broken heart feel better. It's funny how venting feels so good when you twist and turn your words to make a cozy blanket that can help you fall asleep at night. I turn to poetry because not only am I alone, not only am I in love, but I'm also happy. I'm depressed. But I'm confident, charismatic. I turn poetry because of the war between my emotions and personality since each one wishes to go in separate ways I turn to poetry because poetry comes to me.
How I feel for you.
My love for you was broken like the shattered mirror I drew on paper with my reflection was etched in its pieces. My love for you is hiding in the corner because my brain knows better than to let my heart back in my chest. My heart is the broken mirror as I draw on paper. My reflection girl who only wants to love when she can't even love herself.
How I feel for you.
My love for you it's like a beautiful meadow of roses yet I only get pricked by your thorns as I run through naively thinking the beauty of my love for you was two sided.
My love with....for you was only reciprocated when it fit you best because I loved you all the time. Every time we talked I let my heart creep back into my chest and let my brain take a break. Silly me? But you love me when you were alone when youneeded someone to be there for you and I have always been that person to be there for you. And I will always be the person who is here for you because I know my love is broken mirrors on paper and though my love is a meadow full of thorns, I know my love for you will always grow like the pretty buds at the top of the stem as it digs deeper into my skin, I know that in love with you I will always get to see a new reflection of me good or bad. Broken but whole.
My love for you warms and breaks my heart and I would go through it a thousand times just see your smile just to be there for you when you needed me just save you from being LONELY.BECAUSE I love you And for me right now the hope you may be loving me back is enough to get me through the hellish day is all I need.
One day someone will love me the same. Someone will have a love for me so strong so influenced by infactuation and the time spent together but for I will notice because iknow that struggle and for you I'll be gone....
Is it sad that I feel the most beautiful when I'm standing in front of my mirror half naked? When I feel the most ****.
I've never had the room to cry about a bad weight complex.
I've always been beautifully thin and no angle not pleasing to look at...or so I've been told....
Told by the same male who broke down my walls and worked his hardest to get in...
only to see the beautiful body under this princess' gown.
The male who broke my walls and when left broke my heart leaving this beautiful body
I look in the mirror in my new lingerie feeling beautiful...feeling fake, because every time I see myself like this reminds me of how I looked just like this. Just as pretty, just as **** in my underclothes as I did then. And it feels so wrong and so right that I stopped looking.
God, I crave that touch...
It doesn't matter where, no.
Just that touch.
And I only crave it from you.
That splendid moment of anticipation
only being met with a touch:
a touch that means next to nothing
other than the fact it is the first touch.
The touch that makes you beg for more.