Because of you, I know too much

You ****** out my innocence with your maniacal way
Twisted my mind to get me to stay
I believed you which distanced me from reality
The truth you spewed was dripping in brutality
I listened and adjusted, everyday, more and more
I didn’t realize doing so was opening the door
To new demons, ones that taught me not to trust
Now I can’t have fun anymore, I can’t even feel lust
We haven’t talked in two years, but I still jump through hoops
My brain is sick and dark, it’s stuck in destructive loops
It’s really sad what I lost, the part of me that could surrender
I can’t open up my heart, it scares me to be tender
I push people away because i don’t want them to be like you
I wish we never crossed paths, I don’t know what to do

Remember me?
It wasn't that long ago, was it?
I was so carefree
I would shine like sunlight
staight through the trees
Dance like a rainbow across
the sky
No fear of, "who am I"
I could be anything
No fences hold me
I will travel the world
I will sing from balconies
I will tackle any mountain
I will swim the 7 seas
I am not gone
I remember me.

Mental and emotional wounds are invisible, but a wound is still felt by those they inflict
Just like a tiny cut, you still feel the pain even if you can't see it
Just like the cancer beneath your flesh and in your brain, it still eats away at you

These are wounds that don't heal or go away if you apply pressure or put a bandaid over
There is no stitch that can put your broken heart and wounded mind back together
You walk with this pain
Feel it in every step and passing look

The goosebumps on your arms
The trembling of your hands
The darkness behind your eyes
The apathy in your voice
You can't see the wound, but sometimes you can see the symtoms

You can't feel the pain another feels
You can't see it but that doesn't mean it isn't there
You can't see a cough or a virus as it courses its way through your body
But that doesn't mean they aren't real

We carry these invisible scars with us
And they never truly go away or fade

When I was a little girl I was told this world was filled with so much love. That with every scrape and every bruise their was a bandaid and a kiss to make it feel better.

When I was 10 years old I learned that you were sick. While it was a sickness in your body the doctors were able to treat it. From then on I learned that everything happens for a reason and that reason is to make us stronger. And everything that happens has a cure.

When I was 13 I realized that sickness was so much more. I never realized that sickness could've taken over your mind. It still doesnt seem real how at one moment a person you know so well can become an absolute stranger. You made me feel as if I was so useless. But I still stayed around. I tried everything

When I was 14 I realized that you weren't getting better. I thought there was a cure. I thought I could be the cure. Like the kiss to a scrape. All you needed was love. But I realized you didn't want my love. You were looking for something else. With your manipulative words you broke every single part of me. It's funny how kisses can only fix the outside damages but what can fix the damage on the inside? Words seem to only hurt more. You come to realize every good thing someone says to you is a complete lie. I didnt need a guy to break my heart when my own father did. The only love I ever needed from a man was from my father. It was at that moment I realized I was not lovable. If not even my caregiver for so long could love me than who possibly could?

When I was 15 I decided enough was enough. I somehow got the courage to finally cut off all ties with you. While this made me a better person I never got a closure. They say time heals all wounds which in some ways it does. I think rather in time you forget about things and push all the hurt down. Which can be a deadly game. I learned to bury my emotions for so long that I don't know what to do with them.

When I was 16 I realize that as that door is shut there is still so much hurt. Although I dont have to deal with your ******* and how worthless you made me feel I still deal with myself. The thing with mental and emotional abuse is even though the abuser may be gone... those thoughts are still always there. I still feel worthless and I dont feel as if anyone could ever love me. Some days are better than others. I believe every "I love you" means a I feel bad for you. And whenever everyone promises to always be there for me it's just a way to try and get me to trust them. What I've learned from you is every person who comes into my life I never think "I wonder IF theyll leave me" it's always "I wonder WHEN theyll leave me." I can never see myself as this great person who can accomplish anything. Even writing this poem I can only criticize it. Although this storm had passed.. the damage always remains.

When I look back on life I see how far I've come. I dont want to view myself as a broken person and I dont want anyone else to view me as a broken person either. I'm not "strong" I've just had to deal with a lot of *******. Everyone has their own problems and demons. That's just life. It's not fair, and it's not always beautiful.

I am exhausted.
Mentally and physically
Sore to the bone
And wanting sleep.
No work for me today
No care for my grades
I just want sleep
To make this exhaustion go away.

You were so close to me.
Every heart beat pumped you closer to me.
But you were just poison being injected in.
I tore my heart out before it could beat again.

We stretched the horizon,
Our pallet decorated the sky,
For one sweet moment it was just you and I.
Your sunshine kissed my closed eye lids.
Even when they were closed you still managed to seep through,
I couldn’t escape the image of you.

But you set in that sun,
And never rose again.
You took the warmth with you,
After all you put me through.

It is painful to feel you.
What was once petals is now thorns.
Bleeding me from every pour,
But you don’t seem to care at all.

You handed me a revolver,
And urged me to pull the trigger.
It was hard for me to tense my finger,
But you convinced me that this was for the better.

Why me?
I ask myself as I continue to deal with the abuse..
No, not physical abuse
But with physical abuse the scars and bruises can heal
With mental abuse it messes with your mind forever..

the way
he grabbed you,
and hurt you
reminded me
all too much
of him being
beaten

If you gave me one time.
One time to finally be free.
One time to finally speak.
I would tell you that it was my heart who gave me a sign.
But we both know that’s a lie.
Everyone goes home.
I go home too, right?
But why does my own home not feel like, like i belong.
It’s al i wanted since day one.
Maybe if you gave me that one time.
I would find my way home, to a place where i actually belong.
To a little boy or a little girl who looked just fine.
Who looks in to my eyes and sees what i wanted to see just one time.
Home.