I got a piece of candy from a girl about half my age. She called it her happy-pick-me-up. It was not as catchy as i think she thought it was. Yet she felt i needed it more than her...i was smiling on the bus when she gave me this but still she knew that plastered smile. As if i knew her i gave her a hug and felt the warmth of a learning soul.  I opened the candy with a smile and let the little piece of butterscotch melt over my tongue.  i knew it was just some cheap dollar store candy but it felt like a little happy-pick-me-up. She got off the bus at the next stop and she didnt wave goodbye or ask my name she left as if nothing had happened...
But something had happened a simple candy had seeped into a dark heart making me wish to take that girl home with me and speak to her for hours. made me wish to smile and cry in front of all three people left of the bus...as the butterscotch melted i craved more. more happy-pick-me-up's.

The pain of what seems right and what you really want is always there....
Insanity and passion or sanity and security is the only choice in this world.

I will always choose the passion...
I will always fall for the phantom.
I will always fall for the insanity in the angel of music's keep.

And if that makes me wrong, drop the chandelier.

That night we danced until the party was over for some.
It was fun and I wished it always felt like that...and we weren't even together.
It was so loud when I whispered into your  ear  youmissed it..
You thought I wanted to meet you somewhere....
And I wish I had.
Guess we both missed the chance for sparks...

And what happens when you're not strong enough to save yourself. When you've gone to far, worked to hard and there is no more...










....what then

I made him a list of songs to listen to.

They tell my feelings, my heart break, my love...

And to tell him it all, all he has to do it listen....

and I never have to say a word.

As the breeze kisses my skin I see him dancing there.  He dances like a fool but I'm captivated by his spirit.  I always have been.
My hair in curls and  beautifully  braided, sparkling gems in the light studding the  waterfall  of locks that  starts at my head and falls down my shoulder. I cut and dyed my hair hoping he would notice plus...it helps me looks so...beautiful...I needed the change...i needed the confidence.
  My red dress is large and sparkles around me. I look beautiful...but that doesn't matter to me because when I see him dance on the dark floor all I can hope is he'll do the dance with me one more time.
But I've scared him away....I wanted to commit not to play....he only knows play.  So as I stand watching him dance alone.
I force myself onto the floor and spin in my big red dress with studs of diamond in my hair.
I spin faster and faster wishing I could be a tornado and destroy it all, just end it all. There's nothing to love when its all dead, right?  But I only spin fast enough to look like a spinning princess on the floor. But I  dont wish to be a princess if I have to wait for the prince it's my night though it wont end how I planned, this princess  tried to bring her prince back by beauty...because it was her last resort. her mind such a wonderful but scary and touchy place  how could she possibly think the boy who spins on the floor without a care be the prince she needs to overcome it all.

The hot sun hits your skin and a light breeze kisses you, too. The salty water  tickles your toes and the sand dances between your fingers.  For a moment after you close your heavy eyes you feel alright. That's why I love summer. For a moment everything loves being near you and you are blissfully aware of it all without a care in the world.  Simply happy.

She crushed his heart....now he knows how it feels.

There is some relief as you move on and see he moves on too. It let's you breathe though when you look his way it does hurt a little bit....but then you see him fall as hard as you did...that's when the rest of the relief  sits in... cause you know she won't be there to catch him and he'll  land on his face and have to pick up every piece just like you did....there is something so relieving to know it's not only you... and paybacks a ***** ain't it?

I read the same sad love poems I have before. The same wymsical heartbreak only other poems seem to understand. The same heart clenching ones that made fat warm tears spring into my eyes before...and don't cry. At this point don't do much more than look at them with...annoyance. I still think of you...but feel this emptiness. Sure an achy heart because hey! I thought I loved you! I think I loved you.
Am I over you? Or just broken?

I woke up early this morning and heard the birds calling for eachother.
I guess I decided to try calling for you,too.

You called her perfect.
You know it only hurts because I rember when you called  me that, too.
May we all join the ex-club once those lies are uttered.

The truth is one of those late night chats made me fall deeply in love with you. The truth is I love your smile, I love the games and the teasing.
I was only ever upset with the guilt that came with being so deep and you NOT being mine.
I love the dimples in your cheeks and the way the light hits your eye. I loved when you played tough and when you think your a tough guy because I can see through all that  and I've watched it melt. I love the sarcasm and how you can handle my jokes.
I've only ever been defensive and pushed you away because I'm terrified to be hurt again. You know what I've gone through can you really blame me?
I love you and I'm hopelessly jealous of not having you...I'm not sorry I'm just in love. And I don't think you really know and it kills me everyday

I constantly feel like I'm living in the slow lane while I'm suppose to be racing through life.

When you're as sad  as I you dont break down you melt.
You sit thinking about it...
Then you  search sad quotes or write poems or search about the zodiac compatibility or whatever helps you through the moment.
But then your eyes swell with water and you try to continue through blurred vision and soon you can feel those hot salty tears falling slowly down your face. You feel relaxed then but it really isn't enough to fix that gap. Nothing truly is.  And the worse thing is you are so vulnerable then...Anyone, him, her, could walk in and you would fall in love with them a thousand times over...and then you cry and continue to melt to the thought and soon your heart melts so much there is nothing left.

Its only  9:30...
and im getting that feeling i usually get at about 1:30.
That emptiness that i have begun to believe is heartbreak.
Its only 9:30...
and i want to die like its my last breath.

Its only 9:30 and all i can think of are the thoughts of you and how every minute without you is killing me.

Today.
I could not rise .
Depression kept me there.
It all began with you, you know?
Tomorrow....

I taste your tongue against my cheek.
I feel your hands on me; one tucked ever so gently under my ear the other wrapped around my waist.
I see nothing but black as I focus on you.
I hear my gentle moan, our rocking feet.
I touch the small in your neck the base of your hair between my fingertips.

And as I come to my senses I realize none of it was real in the first place. Was it?

Alice fell in love and bumped her head.
Then Alice saw the world in pinks and reds when they where actually black and white no love in the air.
Alice made friends who thought Alice could save them from the black and white and give them some pink but they only brought Alice down.
Alice began to chase the love but he had no time for her.
Alice began to see the world for what it was.
Alice began to see the world in black and blue.
Alice fell out of love but still was stuck in the rabbit hole.
Alice couldn't take it anymore because Alice realized there was no perfect world and even if she went back life you be terrible.
So Alice ate the mushrooms and drank the bad poison .
Now Alice sees in white.

Her tears flowed down her cheeks and though she was crying over someone else he wish to be the tears that flowed down her cheek and over her rosy cracked lips. She was in no way perfect. Flaws where speckled on her body for everyone to see yet it was never her flaws  that kept him away. It was the same reason he knew she was sitting in the bathroom letting her pain ruin the makeup she placed on her eyes that hid the pain from the rest of the world. That crushing feeling she would never love him back or they would ruin what they "had". He also knew she was waiting for him to rescue her but the hero was afraid...he was human not demigod after all. As she climbs to the mirror to  catch a glimps of who she actually was he looks in wishing he'd gone to her.
Tomorrow she will wear that smile that he looks past. She was always transpartent to him thought everyone thought she was so happy. He could see the pain and instead of stopping it he continued to pray to be the tears that fell over her rosy cracked lips or the hair that got caught there when the pain grew too much.

I was so deeply in love with the though of you loving me. I was so deeply in love with loving you from a far and knowing **** well you knew I was head over heels and ready to throw myself at you no matter what.  
And you liked that didn't you? Knowing.
As the tears spill over my cheek I hope you know no one will ever really love that thought more than me and I know that I have a heartbreak as proof.
Ive given up on the thought because even putting it to action would only end up in my own devistaion because you will never be the man I love in my head.
And thinking about that man I have to realize it was never really you I loved at all.

Your ribs are cages
made by your bones to keep your fluttering heart in.
Your eye lids curtains
to  shield your eyes from what they really don't want to see .
Your body is your oasis made to protect you
dont let the world scare you into turning against it or your heart get too...adventurous.

I constantly feel blue. That light baby blue that comes across the clean sky right after the rain. Its not as pretty of a feeling.  When yellow feelings roll along they mix and make confused. The yellow comes in mustard shades and mix to a rather ***** green. Slowly my confusion grows to anger and all I see is black, as the green got darker and darker until i'm looking into a pit of my emotions. That's when I see red. Not that angry fire red, no, that rosy  red. That red where my blood rushes with water. That perfect color of relief and love... if I could stay red forever,I would...but...
I constantly feel blue.

When your smile turns to a frown.
We used to glance at each other with such hope. Hoping someone would act first.  Now I glance at you hoping to meet that glance one more time so I know I should act. Now, I look away quickly just hoping you don't see the crying hidden behind the fake smiles I use to walk down the hall.
When your smile turned to a frown I realized I was just a fill between her and the next.  I realized you never liked me at all.  And I realized I fall too hard too fast.
When your smile "comes" to me again...this time I know to walk the other way.

My heart used to long for you.
Yet this morning as i woke up I felt nothing and my heart whispered,
" You know...lets just give up on him..."
Now that hurt. My heart was so sad and it had definitely been crying all night.
It crawled back into my chest as I lay there, staring at the ceiling, and locked the door.
I could hear the weeping behind that door. It was my own and tears had begun to flow with the words my heart could never say.
There was a moment where everything went dead. My heart stopped my muscles no longer tense...my blood no longer rushing around my unworthy body.
My brain broken from its shell and   carefully walked to my chest. it sat at the door to my heart and knocked. I knew it wanted to say it was right and we'd find another but it felt so guilty.
So it sat and I laid looking at the ceiling feeling that nothingness and pain.
The heart began throwing things against the door not at the brain but just at life and my brain walked away.
Back in my head my brain stayed silent...more silent than its ever been and here I am now. calling for my heart to come out again....
after him...I doubt it ever will.

I don't get war. Truly.  The bloodbath from guns fired. I don't understand.  I wish we could fight knifes and fists...there would be so much less death I swear. I don't understand why so many have to die for politics. For money and land. We are all the same. We are all humans and  we live this earth as one whether some want to accept this or not. Why must we die?  Nameless soldiers spewn on a battlefield and their lives...meant NOTHING. But a lost battle. Every war. Every Battle. A LOST  fight for all sides.
Petty.
My stomach is calm when I speak of this its my heart that twists and turns like what I wish my stomach did because then it wouldn't hurt as bad.
Petty.

Dear Alcohol,
Don't take me too fast.
I mean I've always known it would be you so...

Dear Alcohol,
We don't talk much I know. But those social occasions, man, you must have gotten me hooked somewhere  between those laughs and puking sessions.

Dear Alcohol,
My parents smoked but I swore never to smoke cause that kills your lungs and you **** yourself kinda slowly..but you...I don't know about you. Maybe because its the liver...and that seems so far away. My lungs are RIGHT next to the heart...I mean,  that's much to fast for the pain I want to wash away at my own pace.  Wash away drink by boring drink.

Dear Alcohol,
You win.

Dear Alcohol,
Make me dance, and smile, and sing your dumb songs. Puppeteer, who i willingly dance, smile, sing let me play pretend. Move my body until your course is through and my body is too used. Until I am no longer a puppet for this game of life but instead a puppet for myself to pity. Dear Alcohol the tears are fake, I promise. The happiness I feel now makes me numb. Dear Alcohol send me drink from those pits of hell from where you play me from. For I am coming. I always knew it would be you.

I freaking hate you, but I love seeing you. Every time I  see you out the corner of my eye I don't know whether to cry, scream or go talk to you. I never will do the latter though  I am depressed. I'm not sorry.  I think about death more than I think about eating, but I never think about eating soo...I think about you more than I think about dying. I need help. I am drowning...I have a habit of ignoring. I have a beautiful smile. You smile like the sun but I know your hurting  too. I can see it cause I see that faded highlight in your eye.. it matches mine but I don't think you'd ever notice that. No. Don't.  I can't love you. I am physically unable to love you. My heart is broken and my spirit small. I need you so bad right now. Have a great day.  I love you.  Please save me before its too late...

Sing me a song in soft words
of just you and me together.
Whisper those sweet nothings
to lull me to sleep and soften
my nightmares because
tonight that is exactly the
kind of lullaby I need.
Hold me close to your
heart  and let me listen
to the slow and steady
beat of your rhythm.  
Breath out the sound
of the ocean to crash
with my swirling mind.
Send me to sleep with
the rustle in the sheets
as you move to lay by
my side, for the morning
the night will be over and
all your songs will be sung
yet I will  have heard your
lullaby. Soft, sweet and slow
and if I could choose I'd lie
listening to it forever.

There is that feeling.

That feeling that puts me in front of the screen to write though I will delete every poem I put down. Reader know they all are about him but you knew that already. You've felt that. That feeling.

It feels like an empty pit that spans from the breath in you chest to the bottom of your stomach and it aches so badly.  You want nothing more than to just fish the feeling out pull it from you body and breathe freely again without that pressure on your lungs.

That feeling that makes you feel like your flying and falling all at the same time. Wind in your feathers  as they are torn from your  skin. That feeling.

I want you to know I really did love you.
That love that gives you butterflys and
makes rainbows sing. That love in movies
that  translates to true happiness in real life.
We had to go separate ways and I thought
we could still get the gears to turn.
I was wrong.

I'm giving up on us.

Its been a year and I felt my heart be so
far away for so long I feel cold.  And I'm
so sorry to say there is another who  is HERE
with his arms ready for my embrace when
I need it most...when I am ready, and god I
am ready for the touch of a human being again!
For the lust and passion even if it isn't as real
as it was between us.


I'm giving up on us.

I'm giving up on us  because I am afraid of
loneliness and i have opened my eyes
to see I have been lonely all along.

I really did love you. When you where
here to fight battles,  to calm the storm,to
feel. But now your gone and my love for you
has followed.

Is it just a natural instinct to want to run in front of a moving car?

The birds do it all the time.
They spread their wings and  embrace the fall.
They glide gracefully and spin in midair as if it's fun.
The birds, with their colors that may have been once vibrant but now are dull ,could fly so high but they decide to fly so low.

So when I look upon the cars driving by fast is it depression or am I just a  bird? I long to open my wings and feel that rush as I float in front of that car.   My feathered wing brushing the front of that car seconds from death...

Then to pick myself up and fly high once again.

It's so funny when people say make lemonade!
Because all the lemons I've ever been given,
have been moldy and much to bruised to truly
make some good lemonade to get me through
the day.

And secondly where am I suppose to get the sugar from?
Water is easy I can just use the tears from the times
when the lemons were sprayed in my eyes instead
of given to me.
But sugar? It that a joke?Life has never been that sweet.

For all those who say when "when life gives you
lemons make lemonade"...I'd like you to have
the first drink of my moldy lemon,tear water, no sugar...
Lemonade.

Hello fears.

Darkness, alone, self worth,
Take a seat.
It's been awhile.
All pulling me back to you with your wicked ways.

Darkness.
What a feeling of utter nothing. Keeping not only the light of day out, but the people who surround away.
Alone.
Now alone with no one you come. Not to play but to remind me I'm alone.
Self worth...
Hi there. Quiet a bipolar one you are. Stuck with Alone you make me weak...but when you see light you are my friend..why must you play with me  like so?

Good bye, fears.
Take my tears and leave. I don't need you anyway

Reality has a ugly face,
Long nose to poke her way into my business,
large eyes to find my every flaw.
Her lips always so small and so pursed but when she opens
it seems to become wider and she gets loud with her evil voice.
Reality is an ugly thing, with fingers long; to point,
and nails as sharp as knives to drive into my back.
She wears a robe of pure disgust.


Though reality be a ugly woman
and she hurts me with all her ways,
Reality can not effect me in my dreams.
In my dreams reality is so far away.
Her words can't touch my castle.
Nor can her weapons penetrate my heart here...

The sanctuary of my dreams can only last me for the night.

Reality is  an ugly thing.