This pain
Needs room
To be.

Way too speculatious
That's how I'm used to be
I feel like passing weeks
Stole me some energy

I question myself
My thoughts
Everything
Because of what
He said
Because of him

I try to discover the truth
But all I am doing is hiding
I need to climb up a roof
To escape the walls
Which are blinding

I used to believe
In a set of rules
With different maxima
That brought me relief
I used to realize
That I can always choose
I don't know how
This all I could lose

Probably I saved it
In the back of my mind
Behind the part
That I'm trying to hide

Oh that's the solution
It possibly is
I have to let go
The things
I won't miss

I have to accept
Me - the way I am
I have to move on
And not to hold on

Confusion's a product
Of indecisive moods
That's how I take
This problem by its roots

I have to make decisions
Because they count
I have to choose
And not to doubt

Afraid?
Of what?
Of what's inside of me.

How evil
Dangerous
Destructive
Could it be?

I am my own careful detective
Investigating parts of me
That I myself have hid
For years quite stubbornly

Will I be able to rejoin
All parts of me together?
Will I be able to enjoy
The wholeness then forever?

It's not as easy to put into words
It feels as if I had maybe two hearts
There's one that tries to be so nice
But underneath it lies...
Another one, the dark and rough,
That one was made by times so tough
That really it just cannot smile
It has its own dark heavy style

I'm digging deep to see
My fear is growing though
That's how I managed to ignore
My darkness for so long

But finally, for feelings' sake,
I gotta stop before it's late
I need to see and to admit
Who am I underneath the dry smile
That I have been practicing for a long while


Scared of losing myself?
Maybe.
But I gotta risk it,
Don't I?

After all I just know
That my darkest side
Does deserve the attention
Of my soul and mind

It's a part of me
I'll express it in arts
Before my dry fake smile
Dries out both of my hearts.

How to undust
My real
Spontaneous self?

I'm so afraid to
Show myself

It seems impossible.
It's stuck in my throat.
My breathing gets shallow.
I smile fake smiles
I'm sad and still don't cry those tears.
My soul screams.

Unterwegs seh ich
bekümmerte Gesichter
Viele schon älter,
Gekleidet schlichter.

Wartend auf den nächsten Bus,
Augen verdrehen wegen Verdruss.
Graue Stadt, grau *******der Nebel
Alles umhüllt, vom Nieseln umspült.

Allein unter vielen, die Wärme vermisst,
In Kälte gehüllt.

I don't know how to express it yet, not really.
But I do feel love coming my way,
As from that fresh air outside today,
To the moment where I might just say...
That I love you.

I just really want to experience that,
Sitting beside the fire,
I'll never forget,
Looking at the sky
With you,
I am smiling,
And you, too.

Your eyes depict the stars for me,
The sky is open, full of blessings,
Just like the feeling that I get
When you are holding me.

Don't you regret whatever thoughts may make you,
But be here with me, my butterfly,
My sun at the night sky,
And my fire fly
Of delight.

You are the highlight to my light,
Sharing these deep moments
With you,
Means so so much.
I literally always miss your touch.

Although I am at peace with me,
Or trying to be,
I love to share moments of love with thee.

I gotta do something against
The pressure I am putting on myself
I can't bear this weight on my chest
I need to break free and to rest.

Outside
Of all
Them
Senseless
EXPECTATIONS

Guarded by the beautiful trees
I sit
Dwelling in the sun
My chest being warmed
My eyes closed
"Trust me", sings the soft breeze
As I surrender to the being
To the moment
To birds' and nature's sounds around me
Peacefully
Healing...

Forgot how to poem
Forgot how to rhyme
Tryin to find ways
To express myself

My void on the inside
Doesn't leave me much
I can't really say how I feel
Can't really reach it or touch

Got some physical pain
Cause the body knows
When the emptiness within me
Grows and my soul hurts

All this vacuum is there for me to hide
What I feel so bad about and what I mind

I don't see it all but it is there
It's invisible but I am tryin to share

Everyone's waiting
The waiting room
Some look sad
Some neutral or mad
Some play with their children
The sounds of joy
The child often drops
Its colorful toy

Some cough
Some sigh
Some seem tough
Some seem to hide

Everyone one is waiting

Some are patient
And some aren't
Everyone's a patient
Some old, some current

None of them knows really what to do.
Some of them are just like me and you.
Some believe in the now
Some are looking for how
To entertain themselves ...
There are some brochures
On the shelves ...

Some read, some are in deep thought
Some text their friends
Some are being called
Some just seem to pretend
Doing nothing at all
Just as I am sitting here
I am waiting without fear
And I'm typing this poem
On my phone, that's my gere
It is always better to create
A beautiful poem to hear
Even if a situational
Even if an inspirational one
It always makes sense
To write a poem when you're alone! :)

Because alone
We're on our way
Every step we make
Can be a mistake

How to be confident
I wonder now
I was dellusional
I didn't know

There was a path before
And now it's gone
No silver lining anymore
No rolling stone

It's all in shards now
That's how it seems
I used to believe
Into realizing dreams.

Wir schreiten vor
Der Winter steht bevor
Und keine Ahnung
Ob der Sommer
Und der Herbst
Das war, was es sich wünschte,
Unser Herz.

Zwischen dem Blick
Zurück und dem nach vorne,
Entreißen wir uns immer wieder
Dem Moment.
In all den Wünschen, Träumen, Illusionen,
uns zu verlieren ist unser Talent.

Vertrauen zu entschlüsseln,
Zu uns und zu den anderen,
Verliert sich in den Tausenden
Scherben des Misstrauens,
Zweifel und Unsicherheit,
Verfolgen uns wie ein Pfeil.
Und eh wir uns versehen,
Hat die Angst uns in den Krallen.

Wir dürfen bluten.
Oft ist's uns fast egal,
Wir wollen nicht vor Schmerzen schreien,
Hauptsache niemand weiß,
Wie's um uns steht.
Und niemand weiß,
Wie es uns wirklich geht.

Verhält ein Held sich so?
So Selbstvernichtungs-froh?
Wir opfern uns dem Überlebensmechanismus,
Denn lieber rennen wir das ganze Leben,
Als zu uns selbst zu stehen,
Uns selbst zu sehen,
Verdammt, wir sind nicht hier,
Nur um zu überleben!

Wut und Schmerz
In meinem Herz
Ein Pfeil
Bedrängt
Verdrängt
Verengt
Verrenkt
Verschenkt
Die 17 Jahre
Oder mehr?
Und neugeboren
Werde ich
Womöglich.
Vertrauen schöpfen,
Wenn im Inneren das Fegefeuer
Lodert.

Verhindern
Will ICH jede Lösung.
Verlieren
Will ICH nicht.
Vielleicht vergesse ICH
mal wieder
Den Schmerz der Wahrheit
Schlicht.

ICH übertreib' es nicht!
Die sind alle Verräter-Menschen,
Die Welt ist furchtbar, dreckig, schlimm.
ICH will nur raus von hier,
ICH weiß nur nicht wohin.
Die Scham?
Jaja, hab von gehört.
Aber du bist ein Idiot.
Versuchst mich zu verstehen...
ICH WILL doch untergehen.
Genie? Ja, dafür halt' ICH MICH,
Deshalb verfass' ich das Gedicht.
Verschiedenartig, dennoch gleich,
Spiele euch hiermit einen Streich.
Nur um MICH selbst zu überlisten.
ICH führe immer eine Liste,
Über Gewinne und Verluste...
Wer auf Platz eins ist, wo ICH steh',
Muss schaun' dass ICH net untergeh'.

ICH weiß, in mir steckt so viel mehr.
Oder auch nichts? Oder auch nichts.
ICH bin enttäuscht.
Verletzt.
Verlegen.
ICH bin allein, muss überlegen.
ICH muss mal sehen, was ich mach'.
Vielleicht spiele ich lieber Schach?
Nein, Schach ist nur für alte Leute!
Ich such' mir lieber was von heute.
Was heißt, ehrlich sein, nochmal?
Ich weiß, es ist vielleicht ne Qual.
Für DICH.
Ja, da hab ICH wohl Recht. Das wollte ICH.
Das ist doch echt? Ist's echt genug?
Oder braucht's mehr?
Es braucht nur weniger, I guess.

I just need to say YES.
I just need to let go.
I just need to be free.
To let myself be me.

Where is the romance?
How to give myself a chance
To experience real love?
Is it really just about "feeling enough"?

Is it all about dopamine?
Adrenaline? Serotonin?
Aren't we overanalyzing
And with that - aren't we paralyzing
Ourselves?

I feel like love lost all sense of romance.
Like nobody ever is Mr. Right
Like I deliberately choose
If I might...

Win or lose -
Doesn't really matter,
I could change partners
According to weather.

Isn't it strange?
Or is it just me?
Wondering about
What love is meant to be?

I'm kind of sick,
Feeling aloof,
Confused, sad, alone,
As though I was sitting on some
Iron throne.

As though all those tales
Are simple creations,
All magic seems lost,
The special vibrations...

The butterflies?
Just cause I am empty inside,
Feeling as though,
I simply needed "a hormonal ride".

I hope there's more
Than addiction to it,
I hope all these things truly exist:
Romance and roses,
Love at first sight,
Being more than a casual delight,
A tender and beautiful touch of a hand
And a soft kiss as though we just met.

I want to believe in marriage even.
I want to be able to choose someone, too.
I long for such special and deep connection,
I want it to stay meaningful until the end.

So do people in marriages simply pretend?
Or are they just used to each other?
Or even a substitute for a father or mother?
It's sad!

My mind is racing
And I realize,
I need to let go
Of this need to know.

The desperate search
Won't take me much farther,
I realize it's a perfect distraction.

There are certain fields in my life
Which wait for my reaction.

But I am rather in my mind,
Wanting to hide
From
Those messages... ... ... ... ... ...
Those steps for my future profession...
And other big decisions,
Which need me to take action.

Is it true?
Or am I fooling,
Is it real,
Or am I lost?
Am I insecure and lonely?
Is it that what has caused,
Lovely feelings and hopes,
Expectations and dreams,
After all these months,
Is it really still real?

Can't barely catch a thought
That's pure and clear,
It's all a mixture of speculations,
I've always loved it, and I do love still,
The magic and the power of imagination.
I am an artist in projecting,
I see the little signs in every tree,
I am a hopeless romantic for arts,
I am a desperate creator in need.
Just give me one bit hope,
And I'll make history...!

Just a wink of love,
And I'm there,
Just one lovely look,
And I care,
And I present the generations,
A basket full of dreams and passions!

Go try and catch'em,
For they're free,
They're my ideas,
But have history,
They did exist before,
On paper and on more,

This time they came to me!!!!
They've outgrown me,
Now they will come to you,
If you are ready, too!

Of course I wonder
Of course I care
It's coming, soon,
Like in a different life,
It's either a date
Nor a simple encounter,
It doesn't fit into my last months strife.

I do prepare for a breakthrough,
I do prepare for a heartbreak too.
But I prefer to have it that way finally.
Better than fleeing from love endlessly.

I do need love in my life,
I do deserve the heat of touch,
I do deserve the butterflies,
The ups and downs,
The stress, the rush,
The anxious worries,
The dramatic stories,
The fear, the pain,
And the occasional gain,
The tears of luck,
The tears of disdain,
I could do this again and again.

Because I do choose my way,
I'll be ignoring, what they have to say.
There's nothing to lose after all, anyway.

And once you let me go,
I set my love for you... free.
There are no boundaries for love
In my life, and for me.

So that's my goal,
I'm gonna haunt the truth,
After all it's only this one life,
And how often do we love
Like this?

Time, seconds, weeks, days
Randomly combined states
Never-ending, always standing
By your side forever

You know it seems unreal
I don't know how I feel
I don't believe what happened
With you and me that night

This time the tension more than tense
I didn't lie, didn't pretend
I didn't have to hide
My feelings
And you
Were honest too.

Believing in the past
The feeling which didn't last
Where is it right now
That's what I am wondering about
While I am here
And you are not
I am really close to question a lot
And I ask myself
What will happen next
Because I am afraid
That the feelings are away

What would death feel like?
Strong and mighty...
Like a fight?
Neutral ignorant
Maybe
Or just fearful
Not to be

Would it maybe
Rather be
Happy and relaxed
Or isn't it for us
To see how long it lasts?

Is there something like pre-death
Just to put us to the test
To see the reaction beneath
To examine if we are ready

It is possible
That death is a new start
Some do believe in it
It's not too hard
But tough
Is to assume
That nothing will follow
Nor time nor space no room
All in one swallowed

And I think to myself
If that's what death is like
Do we even have to worry
To die in a certain glory
Or too young or too soon
Because if nothing follows
Then the you disappears
In a moment with all fears
And if you don't feel
You are not alive
So death might be less crucial
Than we're used to assume
Our attitudes, opinions will be gone
Our feelings all disappear on their own
And with them our very own soul
Which might continue its adventure
In a different creature.

Uncovering
Undercover
Ideas

I recover
From long madness
Called N-U-M-B-N-E-S-S

Held me in
For too long
Behind bars
Made of steel
Of fears

F-E-A-R-S

Instead of
TEARS

I wished many times
I could feel SADNESS
But all I felt was
NOTHINGNESS
And nothing else

Then I looked precisely
At the NOTHINGNESS
And found everything
Hidden in there.

Not only SADNESS
and NEGATIVITIES
But even HAPPINESS
and POSITIVITIES

I found new POSSIBILITIES
And the NOTHINGNESS
Became EVERYTHINGNESS

just like the colour WHITE
consists of all the other colours
Combined.

Who knows if you think differently
Or if you think the same
Who knows if you feel similar
Or if it's just a game

Who knows if this occured to you
As something special ever
Who knows if I would have liked you
Even if I said "never"

Who knows, but I never say never
Because I live in the present
Just like you
Who knows maybe if I stayed forever
There could be more than friendship
Between me and you

Who knows if you even ever wondered
How the day looked like without me
Who knows if you have ever thought
That that's so important to me

I'll probably never know
Or once after some years
I might meet you again
And fight against my tears

That day we could be changed
Or changing or be same
If this time we arranged
We'd both be nervous anyway

If that's the only thing
That is left to us then
We still would have the same
The lovely atmosphere
And once we might stay here
Together once without to fear

Ich lief dynamischen Spaziergangs
An einem Rosenbusch vorbei,
Dann für ein paar schöne Sekunden,
In denen ich mich überwunden,
Kam ich in Rosenduftgenuss,
Es war so lieblich wie ein Kuss.

Sometimes wondering
where I’m going
Missing people
who believed in me

Feeling empty, guilty, angry
Loneliness and more within me

Losing sight of hope
But a spark stays here.

Even if it won't help anybody but me
It has to be worth it anyway.
Writing down how I feel within me,
How my mind is leading me astray.

I once thought that I found the way
That I knew where I'm going and why.
I thought, I understand and can say
What is wrong and what is right.

Turns out I again was wrong
Things are different, more complex.
After all I feel broken, alone,
And it has become hard to relax.

I am wondering when it is time
For myself to just fall and let go,
To be able to let my thoughts be
And to breath, deeply breath, on my own.

Instead I am feeling estranged
From this world and my thoughts
Alienated.
I am trying to grasp what it means
And I don't understand,
Feeling frustrated.

This is where this poem leads us
Needless to say into the unknown
And repeatedly one may have asked,
Is there really nowhere she can go?

I'll let you freedom
You decide
Figure out
How often
I am on your mind
Listen to your feelings
Listen to your heart
It is always right
It is never wrong

Yes, you do
You can make a difference
You really matter
You are an individual
You deserve a Life in
Peace Love Harmony

You either struggle or you don't
This is your own decision
The way you look at things along
You build up your own vision

Please tell yourself that nothing ever
Should make you worry in this way
No one should ever get the power
To make you sad and not okay

It's hard sometimes cause we believe
This one is the one out of many
But do we want this person still
To make us feel really unhappy?

I want you to know
That everything's possible.
Don't ever be afraid
Cause' fear isn't that great.

I want you to know
That your time is now.
Stop thinking about
Nonexistent dimensions.

Your mind will not frown
In this moment of yours.
Let everything go
It's the best, I don't doubt.

Be sure that you know
You can change the world
Make use of your power
Since this is your sword.

The power of presence.
The power of now.
You're the warrior of truth.
And today is your crown!

Let your powerful sword
Guide you every night
Cut the evil inside
With that powerful light.

And forget the importance
The importance of mind.
But express everything
Through the clearance of light.

Zerhackt die Hoffnung
Nur nach einem Tag,
Mein Herz war so naiv
Und Zack.

Ich mag dich wirklich,
Sagtest du.
Doch warst du bald
Nicht mehr ganz du.

Denn Actions
Sprechen mehr als Worte.
Und meine Gedanken
Sind jetzt von böser Sorte.

Denn meine Gefühle
Sie gehen sehr tief.
Du hast nichts bemerkt,
Du bist blind.