i know relationships
are meant to be up and down
(up more than down)
but why do i feel like
the world is ending
every time we come to a dip?

i suppose this time it feels
extra rotten
only because
i miss you so **** much
so much so, that i pulled away
because i didn't know what else to do
and i know that doesn't make sense
i suppose it was just my version of
avoiding the problem

warmth.
a fire that needs kindling.
it’s dying out,
we’ve lost the tinder stick.
so i blow.
i fill up my lungs until they hurt:
inhale;
exhale;
my head spins and there is no air.
i do it again,
i don’t save any for myself.
i am dizzy.
the ash is swirling
up in the air.
inhale.
exhale.
my chest is going to burst.
the ash is settling on my skin,
tattooing the harsh reminder
of how much i give.
inhale.
exhale.
i can no longer see.
inhale. exhale.
i have done all that i can,
all that remains is my soul.
my heart has abandoned me,
my lungs have died.
my mind is on the outs with me,
she says i shouldn’t even try.
do i throw it into the embers, too?
perhaps that’s all it needs to stay alight forever,
but i am too tired now.
i never listen.

i just want to see
if he texted me back.
no, no,
i don’t really care,
it’s just that
when i talk to him, it feels as though my words are finally worth something.
it’s not like i cannot go by my day without his acquaintance,
i am a writer after all,
and i am accustomed to a life where my words are disregarded.
i speak to the wind and that is okay.
but i am a writer and all i want is
for somebody to listen to my ramblings
and to understand
me.
i just want to see
if he said hello;
because yes i can get by with him not texting me back,
my rants do not always have a response
(discontinued)

I have a string of gold
It’s wrapped around me
Like a gentle whispers
Gliding upwards softly
Gold is malleable

these three words
they’re heavy for me to say
so let me show you instead
let me show you in the way i
hold your words close to my heart
i gather so many of them
scoop them into my arms to hug them tight
i love every word
they begin to overflow
drip
trail behind me ablaze
they are bright and they are yours
they warm my heart
let me show you in the way i
speak to you
pile of words aside
my three words are hard to say
not because they aren’t true
i can show you what I mean
when i understand your wants
amongst your needs

Have you ever sat inside a bubble
Where the air feels fresher?

suddenly
i was put in a position
where everything in the universe
reminds me of you
and all i want is to be the lifeline
of a life that isn’t mine

The moon is shy
She likes to hide herself away
Always partly cloaked in darkness
But at the right moment
The right time
The right energy
You see her in all her glowing glory

the stars remind me of things
that they will never remind you of
you will look at the stars
and not think of anything but what they are
i will look at the stars and think of you
always
i will always look up at the stars
hoping that you are too
but within the stars i see you
i read them like braille
as they tell me our story
at the very least
the ones in our memories

i have never loved anybody the way i loved you
i’m afraid that i never will
i know not all love is the same
but must you be the one i never forget
must you be the one i compare to all the rest
maybe it’s not you
yeah, you weren’t perfect
perhaps you were just the first time
i put my all into somebody

I’m putting my entire soul
Into somebody
Who i feel isn’t even meant for me

Why do i get attached so easily?
With these attachments
My soul breaks away
When it’s time to move on
They still have a piece of me with them

Simple things are the most beautiful
But to find beauty in simplicity
You must fall in love with the mundane
With ordinary life.
Falling in love with a soul is anything but simple
Yet it is the simple things that makes falling in love easier
A beautiful word, carelessly mentioned
The shape of one's heart, visible through their eyes
Your eyes
Hands and collarbones
Simple things that another may not even notice
You may never even guess
But every small mundane thing adds up
And creates

a perfect canvas can get away with anything,
even destruction.
nothing done to it will destroy it, only make it shine.
add this, and add that.
pile on all the things that made everybody else undesirable.
instead of revolting, you become art.
was it a transformation of the hands or one of the eyes?
it’s like you had become adorned with colour and shine
instead of a veil to hide your reality.
the blandness beneath,
or the stark truth behind you.

mayhap it was a transformation of the heart.
it seems as though one may have bartered their life
just to be worthy of a glimpse
for five more minutes.
perhaps not merely a glimpse,
more, a lifetime.
what is it about

i think people don’t ever understand what i mean
he hands her his cigarette
as if in wordless consolation
she does not smoke
and she has never touched a cigarette until this moment
she meets his extended hand half way
she wraps her fingers around the instrument
as if it were a crutch
your cigarette anchors you
she tells him, but does not think he understands
he anchors her
anchor on rocky bay
the world around them is the wind
and she is the boat
mercilessly, harshly rocked
on the water's surface
until she is hitting the rocky shore
over and over
over and over
hurting
just to stay anchored to him
i wish you understood.

Simplicity isn’t always beauty
Because sometimes it just translates
To stupidity
Obnoxious words spilling out of an uneducated mouth

The art is hiding behind one pretence or another, for surely it cannot be both of these? Hidden things cannot stay hidden, for found is where beauty is. Hate. The incessant whining of an ache behind my ear, and it is like the wind whistling between glass at an ungodly hour. Like smoke between teeth. The world does not obey your thoughts, does not listen to my wishes. So tell me your name, at least one time, tell me your name so that I may place it in my mind in a place where it can live and dance and rot and forever remain, and let me say, I love you.  Love doesn't exist. It is the chemicals that are held in the heavy weight of your tears.

death will tap your shoulder
seven times a lifetime
that’s what i’ve learnt
but when you whip your head around
death will have been long gone
and i suppose it’s fun to think about
that maybe death came and stood behind me for an entire week
but that’s not how death works
death will come to greet you  at even intervals
perhaps once when you are fourteen
and again when you are twenty one
and then when you are thirty nine

i am twenty now
and death scares me just as much as when i was a child
not the thought of dying,
but the thought of leaving things unfinished.

i've tried
many times, i have
but i cannot single handedly put together a puzzle
with all the wrong pieces
perhaps in time
some people just cannot fit together

AM I DESTINED TO BE LIKE YOU?
TO BECOME YOU?
IS THIS WHAT YOU’RE PREPARING ME FOR?
THE EVER DUTIFUL WORKAHOLIC,
OH GOD FORBID YOU EVER HAVE SOME PERSONAL FUN!
I AM NOT YOU.
I DON’T WANT THIS LIFE
IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE “PROTECTING” ME FROM?
A LIFE OUTSIDE OF THIS MISERY?
You will carve every bit of me out,
Piece by piece
Until I am a shell of myself,
Ready to be filled with your idea of a life
I don’t want your life.
Please,
Set me free.

I will never be free
So long as i live
I will always be under the sway of this heavy hard hand
This part of me must die
I can’t go on like this
I wish it would die

I don’t know why you keep doing this to me
It’s like you get a thrill out of it
I am not your toy doll
You cannot discard me when I no longer interest you
You cannot keep my locked away in a dark closet
I want to see the world,
I deserve to see the world
I can’t go on like this

I am alone in this world
I fear i always will be
I have to make my peace with God, now
That is all I have left
I am in a constant losing battle
With myself, with life
Perhaps I deserve it all.

Hope and I are not friends
Hope breaks my heart everyday
My darling Hope
So bright, so lovely
We could never get along
Hope is a liar.

Fear,
Fear is reliable
Fear understands
Knows and sees
Fear is my warning
Tells me that the bad things
The bad things will stay bad
Fear does not sugar coat
I wish I could always listen to Fear

But my darling Hope
Ever so persistent
Waiting, wishing
Breaking the both of us at the same time.

i wish i could just live for myself
and nobody else
i wish i didn’t have to love you


***

to want is a human emotion
want is prevalent
yet with want comes guilt
why?

**


Connect through the disconnection,
What else is there left to say?
What lies ahead is imperfection
Don’t tell me I’ve doomed the day.

***

I am stuck
Perpetually in one place
I am unmoving
Through time, space and aspirations
I have not changed, I have not been allowed that luxury
Nor do I think I will ever change
This has been forced upon me
This burden is unceasing
All I have left are my dreams
And my poetry.

Am I writing this to procrastinate,
Or perhaps I am finally finding time to ruminate?
Perhaps a bit of both.
Maybe I am simply just doing a finger warm up.
I don’t really want to tackle this essay,
nobody ever does—
but what’s the other option?
Ponder, weigh, assess;
Speculate all the decisions I’ve made in my life
All the missed opportunities.
Missed people. Missed memories.
Missed apologies? Mistakes?
I am just writing this to procrastinate.

Found family
When will I find a family?
Those pretty families in books
Where they all settle around the table
Laugh and make jokes
Everyone is so perfect for one another
Why do I have to settle for this?
Why am I stuck with what I was given?
What I was born into?
How is it fair?

Maybe being insane
Is the curse
That was gifted
To every writer

A merry-go-round
Why did we like it as children?

Stick you stickers on a sticky surface
Make sure it cannot come off
Be honest about why you do this
Does it make you feel better when your leg shakes?
Or is it why your leg shakes?

no mercy?
no mercy?
how can you say that when we have been through everything that you see
and we still chose to stay?
how can you say i have no mercy when i only stick around from the goodness of my heart?
how can you say that i have no mercy when all i do is think and do for you
all i want is to make you happy
how can you forget that i am constantly being mowed down?
no fvcking mercy?

I just want somebody to love  
I think everybody does
But it’s not just any somebody
Surely you understand

Fire and candle wax
That's what we were
Time was just the wick
Eventually it ran out

She came to me with letters
She said her name is Alice
She was the first person to write me a letter
And I felt alone

This is the story of the time
I dared to dance with
The woman that stole away my life

At first she loved me just fine
Brought me roses and
Took me out to dinner
Textbook things
That made me happy

stars falling
to a person looking from below
it’s beautiful
it’s hope
a shower of light
a chance to touch
something rare
keep it in your heart
but how does it look
from above?
like all of that hope
that love
burning up
in one final cry
to say i was here.

i want to smash plates
but i can't do that
i cant betray the image of the
perfect daughter
the perfect sibling
the perfect child
although i am far from perfect
and everybody knows it
even you know it
but i still can't smash plates
maybe it’s the curse
of the eldest daughter
or maybe
there is something
intrinsically wrong with me
because i don't remember
when this started
or if there was ever a starting point
i don’t remember what shattered me so badly
that i wanted to shatter the world with it

The thing about loneliness is that it is familiar. It is the one constant companion that I have had for my entire life. Empty words, empty words. Like the feeling of a kiss’s remnant long after its companion is gone. It isn’t electric static but it is the feeling of right after you get a static shock. Like the pang of a ghost pain that leaves you questioning whether it really hurts. Is my pain tolerance that low? Generations and generations of pain and trauma and a little bit of friction in the air is what brings me to my knees; but maybe it is like the tension between mother and daughter. Like mother and daughter.

you’re maple syrup in my pocket
the aftermath of a sweet meal i knew
i shouldn’t have had
now you’re stuck all over my clothes
saccharine mistakes dribbling down my fingers
you’re maple syrup in my pocket
and everytime i try to wipe you away
you find another way to get in
and now my tears are sticky and sweet
oozing down my chin
dripping onto the linoleum floors
maple syrup on my shoes
i can’t escape you
a sticky footprint beneath me wherever i walk

day by day you consume me
piece by piece i am more
maple syrup than i am myself
who i was before i met you
before i devoured the sweet meal
i knew i should not have touched
however
i am being consumed by you yet you are being consumed by honey
and i suppose honey and you fit quite well
but i am just a wooden spoon you use then turn away from
but because you are maple syrup
and you are so sweet and lovely and golden
and ever so sticky
all your unwanted and used parts
cling to me
pieces of you forever lingering
in my pocket

oh love
i don't think you understand
i adore you regardless

of course i'm happy for you
i'm just unhappy for me

i wish you would share a piece of your soul with me
and i wish you would let me share a piece of my soul with you

i wish you knew that ive never wanted to give my soul to anyone
but i want you to know my soul better than everyone

i was so close to ending it all
to giving up
but how can i give up
when you're still going so strong
and after everything youve been through
i can see that you're going so strong
how can i leave when you're still here

the song that reminds you of me
and the song that reminds me of you
side by side
like we will never be

i know these memories with you are the ones i will cherish
for once i have a memory so tangible
that when i look back to smile at it
all the emotions return too
i not only smile at the memory but i relive the entire moment
i will never not be thankful that you entered my life
through the pains and the joys
and the heavens know its been the slowest journey
our friendship
but what a journey it's been

every day, a new memory, a whirlwind of emotion
looking back like flashing images
the day we dashed across the busy road
our legs shaking from laughter
the day you held my hands and put your head to mine and i truly
in that moment i truly understood literature
and what it is meant when people say they feel like
the world has stopped and they are the only one's in it
for that is what happened
and when i see your face it certainly brightens up the room
when you goof around and play your silly games with me
it warms my heart
when we have our inside jokes and we're leaning against
one another trying to hold in our giggles
so that others are not alarmed
when you choose to sit next to me in a room of people and
when you confide things in me

i still don't understand all these feelings coursing through me
but i do understand one thing
you have taken a total eclipse of my heart
i am content with our friendship
and i hope i never lose you

the freedom i felt that day
in a town that was not my home
sitting in a cafe with a girl i had just met
telling each other secrets
i had told no one and she had told everyone

my heart was as liquid as can be
flowing through the gaps of it's cage,
i was free, free, free.

she talked of home and i listened
she listened and i talked of them
and i ate a salad and she ate a soup
and we walked around this little town
sketching all the building and talking
to each other to the locals
and then we bid farewell

i rode the train back to the suburbs
my heart cowered back into its cell
i was trapped once more
for i tasted freedom but i was not yet free

you tell me not to care about what anyone thinks
little do you know i cared the most about what you think

and you threw that away,
you spat in my face

all my life i have been bound by the letter c
how fitting since it seems
to be shaped like manacles
ready to clasp around my wrists
around every corner
every turn i took i found her unchallenged in her rivalry  
she chose to haunt me
down to the colour of my eyes
i could not escape her
she was always there, a shadow in the corner
for have you considered
she cowered in every single line
of this poem, reflected within every word

i smile upon fond memories
but fond memories are all ive got
for youve stolen the key to the doorway
and now alone i rot

i smile upon fond memories
tears dripping off of my chin

i struggle to find my calling
i do not know what it is i am meant to do
yet i have forced myself into spaces where i do not fit
and i pray i that nobody notices
and i pray that i do not break

but call me agnostic because i hear no one answer my prayers

i scroll through the contacts on my phone
and realise there is no one i can call
nobody i can text
people ive had for 7 years
maybe more
their care for me has gone void
and i can sense it
can't you see?
it's all superficial  
every conversation
every look
it is all superficial
and i can blame anyone and anything for it
but none of that will change the truth and none of it
will gift me a new outcome

so now i sit alone
in a void room and i wonder
who will notice
who will care
when i am all but gone

for they will notice when i take my last breath
but nobody notices the moments before
not from afar

all the people are fake
they're made out of metal
but i like you
and that is not fake

my mother is like the queen
she is the queen of everything
but in the sense that all that matters is reputation and
i am merely a means to an end.

i am the pawn on the chessboard
and she likes to play with her pawns carved out hollow,
brittle shells on the edge of breaking.
she likes the power of holding a fragile heart in her hands
to nurture and then destroy as she sees fit
for her own entertainment.

is it still my fault i turned out the way i am?