It's simple really, a swipe, a bite, a tap, and a knife might pierce through your back.  

It's simple too, to get a date, a swipe to the left a swipe to the right, nah, we are the gods of this world.

Acting like the master of a master, the creator of the creator, acting like we yield the powers of the sea, or the power and mystery of gravity...

They escape from reality, they put their head down to sleep because their kids were noisy... using those games to replace what was a role of a father or a mother.

Her back was arched too, her chin pressed against the folds of her skin as she sat there, so focused, so engrossed and enjoying the ...... captivity in which she didn't want to look up, no no no, she preferred to look into virtual screens and when she wanted to scream in pain she went to her phone to check that she isn't alone..
That if people didn't like her photos she was an outcast.

People keep talking about MK ultra, but what if it's already controlling us. How those heaps of wires and chips and circuits so easily lures us in it's wake...

Parents, they use those sirens of the technology world to shut up their children. Soon, they would have missed the voices of the once innocent and unbroken child. They would miss the times they talk as a family, only realising those times were filled with "can I use the phone."

Arched backs and arched necks. This is society now.

The boy at the back of the car, with red headphones on, he sat on the ocean and he couldn't see past the pain that overwhelmed him.

The boy at the back of the car, his back aches, the tears were like sleeping pills
and nearly brought him to sleep.

The boy at the back of the car, he took pictures, he couldn't find a way to stay happy at one point in time.

The boy at the back of the car, he wanted the knives and pans, but he knew better then to intercede with God's plan.

The boy at the back of the car,
he fought the fight and he is preparing to take flight.
His friend has problems with shadows and thoughts that seemed to trap her in a seemingly never-ending maze of
trouble.

The boy at the back of the car has some issues, but...
The boy at the back of the car,
....is happier now. :)

You slept in a nightmare.
You didn't care.
You didn't want to wake up.

The reality is more painful and scary than the nightmares in your head.
You didn't want to wake up.

Tired of waking up to just find a nightmare of a life.
I was just thinking what if the dream needed you?

trying to put, chemicals on our faces.
trying to put dead things into the living.
trying to look pretty by being dead.
by being fake...

it's true, isn't it?
the world is starting to love the lies. And hate the truth.
bowing down to idols that didn't exist.
trying to put something meant to be last.
looks are above the beauty within. is it?

this world.
they love the things, the very things destroying them.
being kings and queens of material things, is that who we are now?
of things that won't last but a kingdom of things.
things in the line of being burnt up when the last days come.
and only then would they say:

"what have i done with my lives."

and i could imagine them trying to cover it up with half-truths.
yet until then, people won't repent.
stubborn. they don't know the love within them.






"get your hands of devil." "of my people" "get your hands off my family and friends." "you already lost."

Marble walls tainted blue, crying tears of rain.
Marble sculpture crying rains and years of pain.
Wasn't shattered because I was made too hard by the pain.

Shattered. Finally broken apart.
Freed. Finally knocked down the bars of iron and cards.
Not confused anymore.
Through the shattered glass I can finally see more.

What was once a fogged view, what was once a mirage of what's true. It's mine. Finally mine.

My heart rejoiced.
My soul raises high it's voice, it's praises to the one true King.
No longer a melancholy song sang, but now a song lost.
I look forward to that day. Where I am with you God. Save me from this world, this body.
Break me and build me up.

Marble walls tainted blue, no longer there, just me and you.

I am so sorry for not accepting your correction. That things would not happen how I see it. It would happen as how God planned it.

But only if you knew the thought I put behind the things I do.
But only if you knew I care for you.
But only if you knew I just need you to appreciate my love for you.
I am sorry. Please continue to correct me. That I may love you more and more each day.

Please mother....

Smiling. Like you don’t care.
Laughing like you actually like what they like.
You just want to be in a spotlight.
Saying those words like its your line,
I believe its time you stop.
I believe you should stop thinking you are on top.
Forcing yourself in...into a “perfect” you.
Keeping yourself captive.
Wanting to be in their collective.
Because you want to fit in.
“ I know how you feel.”
I said into the mirror.
Finally it is clearer.
That I don’t have to be a joker.
Anymore...that I could be myself...finally...forevermore.

They are probably mocking me.
Their blank stares would have sliced me if I haven't looked away.

Would have busking on the streets with a Bible in hand helped me?

I want to cut the ropes that hold my heart tight. They hold my breath too.
To finally see clearly through the thick walls of this cacoon.

I don't know what's holding me back.
From talking to those who are experts of the web, when I am like them myself...
Maybe it's because of the lock the evil one has placed on my mouth when I was younger.
When isolation is my friend and my enemy.
When standing alone in the crowd is my therapy but also reminded me of my weakness.
I guess I would take a long time....to ask someone to fill this survey.

Demons lurking in the light of day, as well as the dead of night.
Demons living in souls, eating them inside out.
Controlling minds of life to spew out death.
Glitching with the my spiritual eyes opened. They glitch and I see the talking, blinking, singing skills of theirs. The words they spoke walked up in the air in smoke.
Their doom be laid bare in front of them.
The coins and notes they use are like marks on their hands and foreheads too.
When the mark comes. They won't hesitate to take the opportunity to go to hell to their father of lies.
They get puffed up with the smokes and piles of soot and ashes that would soon be burned. Piled up high. Their punishments piled up high.
Their names not written in the book of Life.
Thinking that the father of lies didn't lie that they would be happy and content and satisfied if they just bow down to him...just one time.
Lord, you have shown me how dark the world is.
Lead me into your light.
Save us.

In the night of  September the first. At 11pm or so.
The love of a mother came and rested upon me.
Your hands are rough and wrinkled. I felt it with my hands. You held me like that too. When I was little and young and didn't knew how hard it was for you to give birth to me.
You are so precious to me.
I held you tighter, slowly as tears went down my face. My heart filled with thankfulness.
Thank you. Mother.
For loving, caring for me.
For washing the dishes, and cooking me meals.
For paying the bills and bringing me to school.
For ironing my clothes. For scolding me too.
Thank God for you.
You would hold me and kiss me.
Like that night that I was sick.
I was a little kid back then. With a pad to cool my fever down.
You placed your hand on my forehead.
I still remember the sound you made when you rubbed your hand against my forehead.
When the childhood memories and fears came in.
Thank you. Mother.
One with such a beautiful heart. And hands that held me close.

Mouth. Voice. Hesitant. Flesh vs Spirit.
Fear vs Love.
If only I could stop letting the lizard step on the plans God has for me.
If only he could stop conducting the ochestra in my head. To play the music he wants to hear.
Help me see past the nice wrapped empty boxes. What if the cardboard boxes out of view kept bars of silver, marble and gold. Or something even better.
If only I could stop riding on marble waves, and drown in deep. To have been surrounded by your Love. Mercy. Grace.
Maybe I don't know the plans, but you showed me pieces, cassate tapes, videos of what your plan is for me.
Show me more.
Show me pictures of your majesty.
Movies of what is a Godly family.
Help me get past this.
Open up my heart.
Force open it.
I want to give you the keys. You know my secrets, my dreams.
You take care of me in my sleep...
Lord, my family, my friends.
Help me with my insecurities...

Calls a number, switches channels in seconds.
Wished to have pleasures, skin to skin, longed for touch.
Hits and punches. Down the line, it's actions can cross the lines.
I didn't want to do them.
Nothing I do is my own really.
Where it's either my fleshy, hairy minds and crowns, or it's the light and God's presence that guids my hand.
My navigation is haywire, vision obscene and covered with blinds.

I don't want to be in this body.
Nope not because of it's shape not size.
Not because I am chiseled or not.
Not fat nor skinny. No, not because of that.
I just hate the decisions it makes, its ideas it has, the vision it has, makes. Me. Sick.

From a far-off land.
He wasn't popular.
She wasn't liked.
He was weak.
She was always tired.
He was a runt.
She was called a '****'.
They were never in a team, when the kids played football.
They were pushed when they ran.
They were unloved, pushed around.
Left alone in the canteen.
Where they sat in the seats with dust.
Yet. They were called.
From the heavens.
God called. How could someone so broken like them. Be loved?
But people like them learnt to love others.
But people like them are humbled and was willing to learn.
But people like them were broken so that they can be made stronger.
It was nothing about them though.
Nothing about if they would fail or not.
It was.... Nothing about others too.
It was about God.
He called them his children.
And so does me and you. :)

I didn't choose to be in pain.
I didn't choose to see the death of another, or myself.
I didnt choose to be in this time of suffering and agony.
I won't have chosen them.
I would never want to forget them.
How they taught me to forgive.
How they taught me things I otherwise wouldn't have learnt.
How they could set someone free when I am in chains...
How I am locked tight to your Love.
Never to be able to leave.
Never to be able to run away.
Huh.
I could have never been happier.
To be in chains.

its not that i hate or hated you.
its not that i didn't loved you or the other way round.
its not that you hated me.
not even because you hated me for no reason.
its not that you disappointed me.

its about me disappointing you.
the fear the weight.
its about me being weak, not being strong enough.
its about me saying "I am not stupid." Because somewhere, deed inside, says that I am.

But you said it about you.
it was and would always be how powerful you are.
it was and would always be how mighty you are.
of how you are the creator.
about how the rock was Jesus.
about how i can hold onto the miracles and things you did for me, but trust in you and speak to that rock. that i may enter into your promise for me.

it didnt  matter how weak i was. or how i think i am weak.
it didnt matter if i was gonna disappoint you or not.
it was about you not about me.

Same place, same times,
different colours, no longer black and white.
Texting on the phone, calling home,
being the one resting, your body sank into the floor.
Same anxiety, can't communicate.
Just missing out. Want to be alone...alone?
Can't get out of this shell.
Help me with my mental health....
People has real problems, and I am not one of them.
Sorry for being quiet, despite all your tries.
Sorry for being closed up, locked up tight.
Sorry that the keys dont just fall from the sky.
Confused and lost.
Messy thoughts.
Expectations, sky-high.
Perfection, the "prize"
Losing sight of those eyes...
This big, loving, shining eyes, where you look over me.
Cradling in your arms you sooth me.
Thank you.
Yet again, a similar scene, where you helped me up, and kissed me on the cheek. Yet again you loved me the same each day.
Yet again you show me mercy and grace in every way.
I feel like I experienced this before...
Yet again, it's your saving grace...
Saving me from this dark place...
Yet again you helped me up.
Yet again, I fall down, and still you pick me up, and say " Don't give up!!"
Thank you...God.

maybe i understand why they jumped.
maybe i don't.
a sense of freedom was all they wanted.
and yet when they feel happy, they knock into a wall, reminding them of how rotten, messed up, worthless, useless, weak they were.

maybe they jumped because it freed them from the pain and the chains that were on their hearts, squeezing tightly, breaking, tearing it, heart...bleeding.

maybe they jumped because the wind that rushed and skid across the skin, the clothes they were in, went between the chains and broke them free...

maybe they felt the rocks pressed against their shoulders flew to the skies, to be forgotten. never knew it left more on someone else's shoulders.

maybe they jumped because the fear overtook the pain.
maybe they jumped because of the regret that overtook their minds, made them forget on how they saw themselves.

maybe i understand,
maybe i dont.
i just want to say.
theres hope.

afraid to ruffle your feathers, i avoid your waves.
i lie so that you won't be annoyed, "the usual."
am i your servant that i should be afraid? That i should be...pleasing you?

ashamed of my life.
ashamed of something, someone that gave me life.
i shouldn't be ashamed of saying "God."
i shouldn't be ashamed of hesitant to say "Lord"

i am not gonna say sorry.
i am not gonna say sorry for something i did right.
so please.
listen to me.
thank you for listening to my mess.
but.
hear me out on this.
please.

i dont want to be part of this.
i dont want to be part of the destruction of myself.
i dont want to be one of them.
i dont want to be me.
i want to be him.

cried for what seems like a thousand years worth of tears.
i didn't know i was in so much pain and agony.
i didn't know i was lonely.
where the only friends i had was the voices in my head.
she told me not to call them voices.
but.
i want to admit that they are a part of my life.
i was drained....
the keys to my heart broke, and the scars within sank deep.
i didn't know i was filled....with hurt and pain.
but now i lay empty.
my mind blank.
waiting for someone..something to colour it. to touch it. gently.
i lay beneath the oceans in my mind.
i lay down and i closed my eyes.

Happy. I am fine.
But there is this part of me that isn't.
That is still broken inside out...
This burden I have.
Stones of smoke laid in my heart.
I try plucking them out myself...didn't work.
I am dying while living.
Sad while happy.
Broken....while healed.
I cast my burdens to you, Lord.
You asked me to.
You want me to.
You would not let me slip and fall.
You never rest.
Thank you.
As I lay...helplessly helped.

crushing noises.
muffled screams.
tried to explain. you dont want me to repeat.
i cry, tearing myself up.
feels hard to smile.
feels painful to frown.
help me.
drowned.
cold.
i need someone to hold...me.
me?
isnt it i who torn myself up?
torn personality, flowers, they don't look as pretty...
the sun...too bright, what if they see the glass tears i was weeping.
"are you okay?"
"need help?"
please...Le----sta--ve.
help me..don't..... need that...

you don't want to inside my mind.
i beg you.
please.
dont care about me.
i dont want to be a burden to you.
i dont want to worry you.
let me drown.
it happens...for...reasons.
i can do it....ewocmdkwodm"youcan't"owkcmk......
i whisper through the knives you placed in me...
"help me..."

Me-

Did I smile?
Did i laugh without tears, did I shout, and screamed with no fear,
Did I dance? Did I pretend I am okay?
I am forgetful sometimes, so please remind me of my pain....

God-
Did you miss me?
Did you see me in the stars,
Did you see me, as  I looked on the other side of the road, past the cars.
Did you see me, smiling from the moon, did you see me, warming you up at noon?
Did you see me, in between the leaves, did you see me as I danced while you're asleep....
Did you see me, as I shut your eyes.
Did you see me, as I kissed you from up high...as I sang a lullaby...

Even I hear the sounds of silence in your bedroom.
I hear the ever noisy silence ringing outside the cracks of the window.
I am tearing up inside, losing control.
I clenched my fists and buried myself in my moutain of comfort on the fabrics of your bed.
I am trying to stay happy, to talk to you.
But I was afraid to shout, afraid to let the monster in the cage out.
Do you hear me?
As I stand in silence like the wind?
Do you hear me through the Spears and knives of your hurt words?
Do you....?

Clings of metal, pots and kettles.

Trumpets of laughter, drumming of tables,
planting of cables.

Sounds of games, clashing of swords, narrator's voice saying "game on!"

Quiet dim lights. Sounds in sound played in rooms, as people bring dishes out at noon.

Walls of cold separated speakers, waves of warmth shook the walls.
Crying in Midnight's, cats at 3, pens clicking at half past two.

Computers locked open.
Music of this neighborhood rang in my ears, as I stand by the door, paper wrapped in hand. Looking to the lights of another home...

i reached out my hand and thought i was helping. I wanted to help.
i am so sorry for stuffing beliefs in your mouth, into your eyes, that you would be annoyed to see the blue-lined paper slipped in your mail box.

i just wanted to show that i care.
i didn't mean to scratch your surface.
i didn't mean to stir and twist.

please forgive me.
i didn't mean to cut and steal.
i wanted to heal.

Melting flesh falling into place.
Calling out different words.

Two minds, two different eyes.
I see you differently.
How you changed your heart towards my soul.
How you changed your attitude towards this seemingly always happy home.

You were worried and you kept your mouth shut.
You pat my back gently and asked me if I was okay.
When I was okay, you shot bullets at me.

Are you scared of caring?
Scared of showing the soft kind heart within?
I know it because when you morphed, your heart shone through the tissues of your body....I saw it.
It was beautiful...

Trying to focus, I knocked my head.
My eyes tuned out of the radio, its signal out of signal.

The knobs of my brain couldn't keep up.
Take me slow, please.
I walk with twisting foot.
My shoulders banging the walls of my house.

I topple over.
My vision blurred.
The signals of my radio stirred....

You don't even ask questions, you stuff answers into my mouth.
You don't give evidence and I believe in your lies.
You pull me down into a slur of words, drowning me into a conversation that never seem to end but starts worlds.
You Pierce me with a knife.
You cut me up into stitched pieces.
help me, and you say "no one cares."
You threw me out.
You kick me out of my own mind.
You close the door.
You keep me out.
You stone me with fire and ice.
You let me keep the burden all to my own.
i can't keep up.
i am broken apart.
just please, give me a moment, and then we talk?

Shattered glass.
On the floor.
Tear drenched tissues on the floor, like flowers on a hill.
you call me to be still.

I am scared.
I am hurt.
I have been hurting, other people.
I have been ignoring their cries.

I have been putting myself on the pedestal.
I have been putting myself on the judge's table.

Those shattered glasses on the floor shone.
The tear-drenched tissues decorated my life, dripping down, shimmering in the light of the broken glass.

Love came and painted the light.

I know that not everyone is happy.
I know that people would hide the crawling, killing monster in them with smiles and laughter.
I know that tears are necessary.
It's waters healed wounds.
I know that those monsters inside might even be a learning point.
I know that monster can be tamed.
I know that monster can be destroyed.
What if this isn't the meaning you were writing as you pen down your thoughts? I really do not know.
I just know that we can be happy.
We can be loved.
We can be used to eternal purposes.
We are unworthy and a mess.
But that is what makes God's love so much more beautiful.
I am sorry for hiding, the brokenness in me.
I am sorry for showing the moving darkness in me.

I knew you like I knew myself.
I liked the way you talked.
Liked the way you smiled.
Liked the way you texted me.

I held you in my hand like a precious jewel.
You filled my heart.
You were all I missed, when I couldn't hit your heart, when I couldn't see your face.

Hard to say.
Hard to explain.
I don't know you name.
And I don't think you know mine.

It's been a few years.
Since I have seen your growing years.
It's been a few years, and I have been scattering tears.

It's been a few years.
We are just stringed with a word.
A word that used to be 'and'
Words that used to be yours and mine.
Now, it's just,
Strangers,
With,
Memories...

Confident, strong.
What could go wrong?

Typed in some numbers, letters, words.
Brought me away into some place far away.

Sitting on the stool.
Heart and mind.
Into the electric pendelum.
Growing cold.

Your voice through a blocked megaphone.
Echoing softly in my mind.
But I soon went away from home.
Built walls made more than stones.

I ignored your call, that should'nt be the case.
I shouldn't be ignoring you warnings.
Building immediate walls when I hear you? That's alarming...

Running out of thoughts for ink.
My pen running out of its black and white ink.
missing links.

Haven't been thinking.
Missing moments by the lake.
Haven't been noticing the changing snowflakes.

Avoiding the dark thoughts.
Afraid that would play at my own hands.
Avoiding the mess laying in the middle of my mind.

Haven't been spending time with God.
I forgot.
I want to be by that lake.
When I would put down my distractions and sit by the sun and think.
Maybe finally looking at myself over the sink...

You are clear of mistakes.
Innocent.
You are as helpful as ever.
And that made me mad.
You were just being the best mother ever that I could ever have.
You were just being the best Father I ever would have.
Yet, I just couldn't see eye to eye with you through the virtual bridge.
You were just being the cutest grandmother ever.
Yet I shouted at you.
Glued to the screen.
My insides are screaming me to stop.
And yet I keep going.
Yet I disobeyed you.
And I didn't feel anything...
How could I?
"I've let you down..."
I said to those I have wronged, into the air of my parents colourless bedroom...
Sorry....

Obsessed with fear,
Obsessed with tears,
Obsessed with the years of pain and slavery to fear.

Alive and well,
the pain is real, you can't tell?
Awkward and weird.
Out of place, pure.

Crying inside.
Thoughts collide.
Obsessed with pain.
Obsessed with the moments filled with rain.

Too much pain.
Too much rain.
Too much to bear.
Wear and tear.

Tighten chest.
Stupid fest.
Hated feast.

Shaking hand.
Can't breathe.
Heart hurting.
Continuous gasping for air.

" I am so stupid. What did I do?"
"What am I doing!?"
"You foolish hag what are you doing?"
I am hardly free from this anxiety.
Free me...

People of cotton minds.
Implanted with chips of different sizes.
Shaken and stirred is what makes their thoughts...our thoughts??
Floating around in defiance of truth.
Floating around with uncouth language.

"I Don't Care"
That's what you write of fountain pens of sugar-coated darkness.

Floating around in an abstract, broken glass world. A world of a glass maze.
You think that by closing your eyes you can see better.
Open up.
At least then you can see the pain the world.
At least then you can see the problems of the human heart.
At least you can see the shattered glass on the floor.
At least you can learn how to love.

A loveless life is such a loss.
Such a misery of a life.
Without love. There is no life.

Floating around in fluff and wool.
Obliviously in destructive symphony.
Floating around once in a while.
To avoid the problems of the soul...
To avoid the problems of the heart, the world. . .

Plunging holiness.
Plunging thoughts.
Plunging feelings brought.

Fighting not working.
Not strong enough.
How can I fight this fight without a physical sword?

Falling highs.
Calling lows.
I am trying to find a home.
Where I can feel at peace.
Even in the stormy seas.

You provide that.
I know that.
But my heart doesn't want to believe it...
Why!?
Yearning for something I already have.

Sinful pleasures.
***** sins.
I don't want that.
I don't need that.
I don't want that....
I don't need that...
I don't want this.
I don't need this.

I don't want the darkness covered in light
I want and I need the light covered in darkness.
That pass that thorny bushes and rough walls would I finally be able to get through, and take my crown....

I keep fighting voices in my mind that says I'm not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I more than just a song of every high and every low
Remind me once again just who I am because I need to know

You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And you say I am helped when I am falling short
And when I don't belong, Lord you say I am yours
And I believe, yes I believe what you say of me
Oh I believe

The only thing that matters now is everything you say of me
Cuz in you I find my worth in you I find my identity

You say I am loved when I cant feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am week
And you say I am helped when I am falling short
And when I don't belong, Lord, you say I am yours
And I beieve, yes I believe what you say of me
Oh I believe

Taking all I have now I'm laying at your feet
Cuz you have every failure, God, and you have every victory

You say I am loved when I cant feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And you say I am helped when I am falling short
And when I don't belong, Lord you say I am yours
And I believe, yes I believe what you say of me
Oh I believe

And I believe, yes I believe what you say of me
Oh I believe

Carefully you cut my hair.
The fingers of your hands slid through the blanket of my head.
I looked at your eyes.
Filled with such focus and concentration.
Afraid to talk I tie a knot with my fingers.
Afraid to talk, I made excuses.
Afraid to talk, I tap my foot.
Yet when I opened up.
You revealed to me the normals of your life.
But really a surprise to this life of mine.
Fellow hairdresser, as I sit in the chair.
carefully cutting my hair.
With a scissor on his wrinkled hands.
Maybe I should be more open.
But I should stay closed sometimes.
Like maybe...a half-opened door...

Sitting on the floor.
In the cold and dusty corridoor.
My ears placed on the floor.
The waters carried memories.
The wet mossy floor carried the memories of those who lived here before.
It's careful hands hugged those little lights tight.
The moonlight shone with silver light.
The promises of tomorrow held in his hands.
As the savior slowly lands.
Taking back the land.

Sitting on the floor.
On the once ***** corridoor.
My ears placed on his chest.
His mercies afresh.

People say you can't predict the future.
The one-sided posters and paper lies.
They lie that you are yourself.
They lie that you can predict.
They lie that you are in control.
When you lose control, you lose yourself.
shaken.
broken.
unable to get up.
i dont want to think that way.
i dont want to feel that way.
i dont........

Do you see the world behind that glass door in the woods?
Where you had all the money.
Where you have all you wanted.
Where you can ride on dreams.
Where you can be who you wanted to be.
Where you could be believed.
But...never be happy.
This fantasy I do not want.
Loving this...I can't.
I would just stick onto reality.
Where death is real but still be happy....
Where death is real but life follows behind.

I sit down at the chair of the dining table.
The sunlight shining in.
Giving it's warm colours to the dull metals of the room
It's light curled around the curves of metal.
It's hands curled around you.
When you danced in your ***** pajamas,
the light took you to my eyes.
The light, one of a shadow play, pictured you in my mind.
In the folds and camera of my eye.
You shone so bright.
A silhouette lined with light.
That's who you were when you danced in the sun.
A mere cartoon in front of my eyes.
Step out of the light.
No....no...
May I join you?
Join you in this dance.
So that I can see your face.
So that I can see, clearly the curves and the round cheeks of yours.
Your brown hair skiing across my face.
Bubbling laughter's fill the air.
You and me...
Dancing in the endless light.
Slowly....we take flight...
In the symphony of lights.