Sorry guys, I am just going through some stuff and I would have major shifts in thinking, in mood, in my attitude in my spirit in my heart.

So the poems and the meaning might change. And I am so sorry if you don't like frequent posts. And sorry for all the different ups and downs.

Like one time I am brave and ready and bold, then another time, broken, shattered, near to giving up....just bear with me! I would probably get better...soon.

"Stop!"
I screamed in the room of my mind.
My echoes, echoed in the emptiness of this room.
Shutting up the messy voices in my head.
Who is trying to get a place in my head.

"Who is who?"
I really don't know.
I fall for it's tricks sometimes.
It's cunning, slick, twisted hands grab on me.
And I fall into it.
Only to wake myself up.

"How can I live when I don't know who my voice is"
"How can I live when I don't know what is God's voice?"
How can I be such a failure....there you go again, falling into the traps of these lies.
And yet again......see....I just can't stop believing in those lies.
It tears me apart in the inside.
Careful to not break me on the outside.
So that people won't know the storm inside of me....
So that I would be alone.

"Stop being so stupid, foolish, distracted, and stop being such a failure....you are so stupid...you truly are..." I say as I speak to the mirror...

Fear, please don't embrace me.
Please don't come chasing after me.
Please don't.

Fear, please don't stop me.
Please don't make me to be afraid to even worship God...

Worthlessness, please don't replace my mirror.
Please don't take away my identity, the truth I hold onto.

Uselessness, please don't come and be my secretary.
Please don't be my frequent notifications on my phone, on my heart.

Unloving, please don't come and replace my heart.
Please don't keep captives my thoughts, my words, my actions.

No. I am not asking.
I am telling you.
To leave.

Stars streaked past.
Stars shining at an all time high.
Brighter than the lights in our eyes it shines.
We kissed, we danced.
Our fingers intertwined as the world around us collapsed.
Dancing and singing our favourite songs among tree tops, we danced towards the light.
Although afraid of heights.
We soared.
High above the failures and the depths of the sea.
High up in the sky in symphony.
My forehead touched yours.
And yours touched mine.
The winds of our hearts carried us as we danced away...the world becoming the room where we danced in before.
Where we met.
The stars becoming the light bulbs hanging in the dusty old room.
The space around us folded us in like an origami.
Things didn't make sense.
I wish I never find it.
I don't want to get lost in your gaze.
Lest I fall into the hole of your pupils,
lest I collapse when you leave.
Lest I tried to erase you from my memory.
Lest I lose you and I can't survive...
Let's...stay as friends...

I see the sun falling down.
It reminds me of you now.
Of me and you.

Always far apart.
Trying to find your heart.
We chase each other, endlessly.
Still, you are always out of reach.

I see you.
I know you see me.
And yet our fingers don't intertwine.
Yet my hands aren't around you till we die...

Oh how beautiful are those times!
When you were in front of me.
The distance between us dwindled.
The time when you were in front of me.
When you were away from that Earth of yours.

But soon after, you leave again.
Pulled by the centre of gravity again.
We had time to spare.
But it seems that fate didn't care.

Still today we run and run.
Chasing each other's heart.
I await for a day...where I can finally meet you at the same side of the Earth.
Where finally we could see face to face.
Where we can be together forever,
to never leave again...

So.
Love on a piece of crumpled paper, sitting on the couch.
Bare and Obvious.


Dirt on faces and calves.
Dust on clothes made of rags, rage, sorrow, disease and fear.
We refused to give this paper away.
Afraid we would get *****.
afraid we would get humiliated because no one else would give it.

.This paper, still crumpled in our hands.
We refuse to give it to those who didn't deserve it.
we refuse to give it to those who need it.
we all need it.

So this love sits on the couch of our hands.
waiting.
obvious.
waiting to dip it's way into hearts...

touchy subjects.
hidden mistakes.
crashing thunder.
My heart, the rain.
Plundering down into the mess.
Trying to find hope in the dark.
Crying in a dark place.
trying to fix my mistakes.
fixing mistakes by not trying at all is not the way.
i tried.
but i made it worst.
No day is my day.
it really isn't
i say this not because i am broken or sad.
because isn't it true?
everyday belongs to the one who made it.
HIM.
He gave me another chance to live...
He gave me another day to breathe!
He sees potential in me that he would be willing to give me one more day to live.
When we die it's not that God didn't see the potential in us.
He gave all of us ample time.
Ample time to think.
Ample time to reflect.
Ample time to Love.
Amble time to Hope.
Ample time to help others, serve others.

The thing is.
I need happiness.
A true one.
"the one which would last."
I would ask.
I would want.
the one that would stick.
but surely.
through the storms i have been through.
i can rightfully and truthfully tell you,
that he gives true joy.
One that sticks for eternity.
One that is eternal, that will be.
One that is just so good.
so sweet.
so bliss.
so free...
i want that joy.
and you and i would never find it anywhere in any store.
True Joy.
True peace.
Is found in HIM.
The source.
The ONE.
He is the one I want.
The thing is...I already have him.
Serving him.
Has never been in second place in my "blessings" list.
It is so beautiful.
All of him that I have, would never be in second place of the list.

I want you.

Lines of silk, soft and hard,
filled with passion
Memories, dreams and nightmares of colours, of black and white.
A mess of thoughts.
A pile of words.
How beautiful and sweet...
Poetry.
Just remember that the lines of this story, this message, this dream, this experience doesn't have to rhyme.
Just make sure it rhymes with your heart.

Hit the wall.
it caused me to fall.
breaking the cup i was holding in my hands.
i was ready to be called.

it hurt.
it caused me pain.
it hurt my heart.

time wiped away traces of it many years later.

brushed the wound against the wall.
i remembered the fear that made me fall.
the thing that made me miss the call.

"stop remembering...just forget..."
"stop remembering...just forget..."
"stop remembering...just forget..."
"stop remembering...how can i forget..."
"stop remembering...just forget...its not that easy to forget."

"me, just remember to forget next time..."


but...through all this...
no matter how many times you scratch on that wound,
just know, and remind yourself to remember,
that

I WOULD NEVER BACK DOWN.

Latest gadgets? nah
Most expensive houses? nah,
help another for the sake of my own glory? nah

Suffered and persecuted for God? For his Glory
True Joy and Satisfaction in Him? YEs
ALL FOR THE GLORY OF GOD? THE ONE WHO SAVED ME OUT OF DARKNESS?  YES.

How clear where you, that Saturday night.
You are so precious to me.
You shined your light on me.
Even when you knew I would fail.
You said you love me.
You said you could use me.
It's like...
all my failures are Gone.
GONE.


I held the papers that were in my hand, as I close my eyes and tears flowed down, I whispered and sang, "O, Lord. How precious you are to me...truly...really..."

That night, my heart flew open. I don't want it to close in again.
But I can't do it alone.
Stir in this generation Lord, a heart made for you, a Spirit yearning for you, a generation, self-less. Rising up to take their place.

Lord
Break my heart for what breaks yours.
Heal my heart and make it clean.
Open up my eyes to the things unseen..
Show me how to Love like you have loved me.
Everything I am for your Kingdoms cause....
As I walk from Earth into eternity...

Dear God,

People say you understand.
But I don't seem to understand.
How could a God like you, know me?
How could a God like you, knows how is it like to be human.
A human with sins.
How could you know, how I feel?
How could you know, how fear feels like?
How could you, still love me.
I wonder. I wander.
I just want to be brave.
I just want to feel a blazed.
I just want to feel like a warrior
Just want to feel the way you want me to be.
A conquerer, you said that I am a conquerer.
But I don't feel like I am.
But you know what, sometimes,
warriors could feel that way too.
Because we are humans too.
I hope you see this letter.
Which I have sent to you.
Even though it doesn't rhyme,
I hope you would love me still....

Love, my heart.

So...
A line there, and a thing there,
A circle there, and a staircase there.
A little light here, a little dust there,
A little confusion here and there.
How is this true?
This mystery.
They say it all the time, like ALL the time...I say it too.
But I don't get it...maybe they don't too.
How do I let go.
When I can't see the light.
I am really trying to get this right.
Just don't disturb me now,
as I sit and stare in this room,
trying to figure out what, how to take up room.
So that fear and excuses have no room...

A deadly drop!
A ghastly death!
Oh gosh! How can I survive this death!?
Anxiety crashes in.
Sweat pearls welled up.
Ahhhhh......oh...hold on...
(Walk a little closer)
(Holds on to the nearest Boulder)
Oh...a staircase leading down.
Well...those are for nothing...

Called holy, all the time.
Too kind, that's my tag I wear sometimes.
More open is my friend's request.
More curses is what they want to get.

Trying to fit in, used to be my goal.
Now that left me cold.

Holding on to Rocky seas.
Trying to find ground on nothing.

Holding tight to my own hands, I used to do.
But, now I know that makes me a fool.

Silence was my armour.
Voice, was their trigger.
I used to think that way.
And maybe I still do.

My voice, triggers them to shoot me so that others don't have to be shot.
Silence was when they themselves are shot and need comfort when they know it isn't "their" fault.
When silence was their time, their space to finally unravel the war inside their minds.

Voice and silence.
When hand in hand.
Works well with his plan.

Paintbrushes ready by your side.
Canvas, put up, ready to be painted,
It's hands placed on it's side.
Hands ready, framing the canvas, putting "everything" in place.
Ocean blue skies stretched across.
Floating tears drifting in the skies.
Paintbrushes trees sat by the side.
Shifting waters busking in the sun's light.
A humble quiet house, would be nice.
With a garden at the side.
Birds in the air, horses down below.
All creatures painted into the canvas.
My family, stood by the house.
Hands on shoulders.
Something was missing....
Where is God?
Is God amiss the trees?
Is God drying up the tears in the sky?
Where is he.
Maybe he is simply, right there, by my side....

Suicide.
Doesn't mean this person has mental illness.
Suicide.
Doesn't mean we Christians doesn't have suicidal thoughts too sometimes.
Suicide.
Doesn't mean this person is weak.
Suicide.
Doesn't mean they suffer from depression.
Suicide.
The devil tempted Jesus with suicide.
Suicide.
Understand it better please.
Suicide.
You are not alone.
Keep fighting!
We would fight with you this battle!

Hands held high.
Jumping up and down.
Bowing down with fear to deny.
Problems out of focus.
Love in focus.
God in focus.
Prayers lifted high.
Praises lifted high.
Scars filled with love and care.
Tears dried up.
Tears welled up.
Wonderful God.
Loving God.
Forgiving God.
My Father.
God.

Broken hearts.
Lost ones in the dark.
A cage for a mouth.
The voice inside refused to come out.
Locking of hands.
Tightening of chest.
Hoping to be alive.
Trying to survive.
My father.
Sorry for letting you down.
For putting the scroll down.
For missing the crown.
Forgive me.
I pray.
Your presence, I crave.

I try to get to know you yet you shy away.
I try to be your friend and yet you hide it with a smile.
Imagine how many people you have missed relationships with.
I know you are afraid that you would be hurt again.
I am too.
You show me the face (-_-)when I say trust in the Lord.
Yet you post verses everyday.
You see me posting verses, you see me saying "trust in the Lord", or " Praise God"
Do you read it with your heart?
Or do you just scan through it because you claim I am "holy"
You claim I am "pure"
Freedom.
Do you want freedom or do you want to live in fear all the time.
Whether it be fear of betrayal, rejection, judgement.
Do you want to experience true joy that doesn't lean on circumstances around?
I can't even believe I am affected by what you say or do sometimes.
Like I am supposed to please people and not God.
Read with your heart.
Your whole heart.
Don't be scared of being too deep, too "emotional", too "personal".
It's just you and God.
Nothing else.

Is it as deep as the deepest point of the oceans?
Is it a wide as the sky could be?
Would it last longer than life?
Would it be longer than time?
Would it be stronger than anything in this world? In the whole Galaxy?
Would it be mine to keep?
Would it be theirs to keep?
Ours to keep?
Yes.
It will be.
Yes it is.
All of it and more.
This love.
Slowly digging me out of this shell, to reach my heart.
Penetrating through fear, doubt, and sin.
You brought this broken life in.
I would never forget the love you have shown me at the lowest point of my life.
Never.
Would.
I.
Ever.
Forget about your love.
And the life you have given me.
For the life you gave.
On that cross

Suddenly the words of the songs came to me.
Not like a piercing sword but like a soft hand slowly hugging onto me, tightly.
Holding to my heart.
You brought me down.
So that I could look up.
There is going to be darkness.
But more light is coming.
I just have to persevere.
Endure.
A Child Of God.
Oh how precious are those words to me now!
I am a Child of God.
I repeat.
Thinking....how?
But that is who you are.
Love.
You love me.
And I don't have to question that.
Surrounded by your loving hands even when I couldn't see it.
I want to believe it.
Please.
I don't want to fear anymore.
I have a desire, LORD.
To no longer be a slave to fear.
Because you are here
with me.

Shuffling of feet.
Shuffling of ants.
Waving of hands.
Swaying of leaves, not planned.
Blinking of stars.
Blinking of eyes.
Walking of feet.
Walking of the wind.
The feet of the young beside the old.
The feet of youngones beside the feets of their guardians so that they won't be cold. Inside or out.
My hands on your shoulder.
Your hands on mine.
Sunset painting my face and yours.
Together marveling at the marvelous course of birds in the sky.
The music of this world.
Brilliant.
Corrupted.
Perfect.
Broken.
The Orchestra is here.
They are near.
You.

How can your heart break.
When you didn't give your heart.
You are in charge of your heart.
You are responsible for the things of your heart.
You are responsible to guard it.
That heart is yours.
Guard it.
Reset it.
Put it upwards to the heavens.
When it reaches it's default of discouragement, blame, anger, hatred, disappointment, self-doubt, over-confidence, reset it a perk it back up to the things high above!
In the heavens above!

Shot Guns.
Lives gone.
Touched.
Trust is gone.
Verbal swords,
love gone.
We are not safe anymore.
Hard to trust.
Hard to feel safe.
Hard to feel quiet, at peace, when minds are feeling unsafe.
Hearts tensed up.
We can't even walk into the place we love without feeling afraid.
Just trust in God in these times.
He would guide and keep you,
all the days of your life...
all the time...

Sorry for the highs and lows.
Sorry for the ups and downs.
Happy then sad.
Cheerful then mad.
Back and forth the needle goes,
Yes and nos.
Confident, then lost.
Bursts of energy, water-like limps.
Knows, and foolishness,
Kindness then ungratefulness.
Compassionate, angry at first.
Ups and lows.
Yes and nos.
I am so sorry.
For the changing host.

God is the eternal true living breathing loving one.
god is the one in the world. The one of idols. That. ?

I hope you saw the smile at the side walls of your eyes.
I hope you saw the wave of a hand underneath your eyes.
I hope you see the pain we have even behind the painless smile.
I hope you see how far grace has carried you.
I hope you see the faces of those who are dying in the inside.
I hope you see the swaying of the trees and the laughter of birds remind you that you are alive.
That you are His.
And He is yours.

Loving myself is hard.
And I hardly know you God.
Loving with a hard heart is hard.
Loving others when I am filled with fear won't work.
You say to me " Don't be ashamed of who you are."
When you say that Lord you crack the stone around my heart.
I am starting to fear less.
And starting to actually love.
Teach me Lord, how to Love.
I really do not know....
I really do not know you...
Reveal yourself to me, I pray.
I want to know you.
To learn to love and to fear you.
To not be ashames of who I am because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.... Thank you Lord... For telling me that.

legs held tight.
knees bent.
gate locked.
door opened.
lights hitting my leg.
lights passing through the gate,
shadows like bars.
wrapped my legs.
trapped inside.
even though the doors are opened.
Trapped within the comforts of my home.
I wander.
I try to act like i am free.
like i am outside, carefree.
legs bandaged with two hands.
i sit and wait.
for the next day to come.

If I was blind, would I be braver?
If I was deaf, would I be able to speak?
If I was just a bit taller, would I be able to ask?
If I was just a bit stronger, would I be able to share?
If I was...

Blood, sweat, and tears.
Laughter, dancing, and stories.
Thank you for painting the numbers on apartments.
Thank you for building the house I am living in now and many others too.
Thank you for paving the stones and cement on the floor so that I could place my feet on solid ground.
Thank you for cleaning the streets, for building the shelters from place to place.
Sorry for people walking past you and not simply recognizing your face.
Sorry for treating you all like strangers.

Exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale,
That is what I always remind myself to do. To simply breath.
It's hard when your chest is tight.
Your heart is heavy.
Your mind with thoughts of death.
I am so afraid.
Disappointed and alone.
I am on this journey on my own.
I am at home but still a stranger to my own bones.
I feel my heart pumping.
I see my heart pumping.
Trying to survive.
I forget to breath sometimes.
Just sometimes.
I gasp for air when I remember to breath only to forget a  breath later.
One day I am going to forget and not remember.....

I wonder.
What is poetry in person?
Can I touch it?
Can I feel it?
who is poetry?
a person made of experiences, dreams, nightmares, humour, joy, love, and so much more...
I wonder.
I would want to say Hello.
If I meet it some day I want to say hello.
To say thank you for giving me space to express myself like no other way...
Hello Poetry!
That is what I would say...

You are hurting yourself when you hurt others.

A heart shaped harp.
Sits in the room.
Mirrors displaying each side of the harp, on each side of the heart.
The darkness fell on one side.
The light on the other.
As my heartstrings sowed hands of silk and thorns.
As I play the harp in the quiet room,
The light formed flowers,
The darkness formed thorns.
But all in all.
It made me.
It all adds up to a perfect plan.
To a beautiful flower it blooms.
So the darkness and pain played a part and so did the gloom.

Would you dive into the darkest depths of memories and fears in the name of Love?

Would you destroy your tower of pride in the name of Love?

Would you be willing to unwrap the ***** cloth around the thorns that hurt you before in the name of Love? For the sake of Love?

Would you be willing to risk your life in the name of Love?

Would you be willing to allow pain and firestorms mould you?

Would you be willing to put all the hate on yourself so that another could feel loved?

Would you? All in the name of Love. All for the sake of Love. All for the giving of love. All for the defense of Love. All...for Love...

.........A bag of stones as my heart.
              Water lillies as eyes,
          A glass vase as my body.
     I couldn't think with this thunder
   storm of a mind and I couldn't
speak  when my heart is racing, running out

  of time. Blurred is my vision, heavy, are my thoughts. My heart filled with the heaviness of fear and nightmares. 
 I don't know what to do. I don't want
   to enter into the dark lairs of death
           I am afraid, fearful, hurt
                And lost. I hope you
                     God would help
                         me through
                          this storm...........................

Messiness in my mind.
Gunshots like voices ringing.
The moon seems dark tonight.
The moon seems to cry.
That the tears drip down, and I see the blood of my heart.
Roses, made of thorns, the pain I felt when I see that cross.
flowers, painted with pain.
the light seems to hide.
the sorrow soaring high.
my heart hurts as i write this down.
i hope to see the beauty behind the madness before i fall down...

I might not know much.
But i know just this much about racism.
That it hurts.
that it scars and tears wounds apart.
that it kills and murders.
steals and slanders.
breaks and ruins.


Different people.
Different beds that they sleep on, is this how it is?
That some feel cold in a thick winter jacket.
That some feel starved even when they have enough.
putting labels on beautiful jars.
filled with the most beautiful of hearts and dreams untold.
words that burn.
burning them like paper.
are you one of no heart?
or perhaps a heart that simply has no sense of love.
that simply doesn't understand.
you say "its just a joke"
but it still burns them up with fire and smoke.
how those flowers die slowly i might know.
but i would need your help so that you don't have to know.
so that, you could put them back together and make them whole...

Hello.
I am bare and broken.
I am lost, forsaken.
I am hurt and alone.
How lovely, sitting in the woods all on my own, far from home.
Memories flooding in, breaking my mind.
Mask, broken.
Shattered to the core.
I am sorry, I didn't mean to show you my true feelings.
Should I hide?
Should I have shown you the darkness painted in white?
I am so sorry.
I didn't mean to.
To show you how I really feel.
I am sorry that I offended you.
I am sorry that I have shown you my true colours in an attempt to heal,
To heal myself.
Farewell my friend, and I wish you good health.

Short dreams.
Temporary beliefs.
Short-term hype.
Falling heights.
New "dreams" bought with money, dreams as sweet as honey.
It already ended when it started.
Coming back to only leave me dream-less, again, with temporary gains.
Stars I want to touch.
Joys I want in my heart.
I want living dreams.
To live in a breathing, moving, real dream...
A dream that is real.
A meaning, sealed.
A goal more valuable than gold.

Cold walls, death glares,
Someone's hurt, nobody cares.
No matter how close,  still far apart.
The only greetings are the blank stares and avoidances of people, and the distance between heart to heart.
Heads down, eyes shimmering, shimmering in the blue light of the black screens.
Is love just simply loving the significant other?
So downward this society.
This city.
It's so sad that a kind greeting is an indication of someone weird.
That simply being kind is too hard. Too weird.
A stranger.
So downward this society.
This Babylon of today.
Is going to fall someday.
I hope that we could finally break this cold walls.
That the only way to break them is really as simple as smiling to another,
waving to a stranger.
It really isn't that hard to let love.....is it?

How can I sleep when my thoughts are still awake.
How can I sleep, when my heart feels like it is going to break?
how can I stay awake when my mind is falling apart, with its flowers closing in thoughts,
how can I stay awake, when I am tired, dripping down into the waters, fading away into the nothingness of my mind.
How? Ever, can I be who you want me to be?
When it is so hard to even fall asleep,
When it is so hard to fall back into dreams.
It's probably possible,
to be who you are,
but I need your help,
to go where you are.

i trust you,
i really do.
and i know you have been hurt before, i might not have a clue on what they did
but please.
would you take this chance?
i know everyone is untrustworthy, untrustable,
they can be, and that they can throw you away in the dump, and just glance at you before they leave you.
to only come back again, different.
and i know that you might not trust me back.
but, would you trust someone who wants you to trust him so badly,
that he just doesn't understand why you won't trust him.
i know that isn't me.
but would you, just this time,
to trust in God, after all this time?

Maybe I should just let go and let love show me the way.
Maybe I should start a conversation a friendship that would last throughout the ages.
Maybe I should do everything in love for the other. For the Love of God.
Maybe, I have been doing it all wrong.
That I haven't been loving.
That I haven't been kind.
That I haven't been compassionate.
That I haven't been there for them
That I haven't been caring.
That I haven't been speaking for those who have no voice.
That I have been too silent.
That I haven't been beside those who are sick.
That I haven't been the one to place my hand on another shoulder .
That I haven't been the one to comfort.
That I haven't been the one to sit with a lonely other.
That I haven't been the one to love.
To love another. No matter what.
To love the right places.
To love.
That I haven't been the one to love...
to love...
to love...
love...

I know you have questions.
I know you have wounds and scars.
I know you were hurt before, who wasn't?
I know you think you can do everything now.
I know you think time is in your hands.
I know you think life is longlasting, a slow ticking bomb.
Think. I said think. Thats what you think. That's what I thought.
Now I know that questions would have answers, and some, were just meant to be unanswered.
Now I know the pain I felt, is nothing but a blessing.
Now I know time is fleeting, that life is so short.
Now I know, now I realise that there is a time. For everything. In due season.
Everything that happens, happens for a reason.

Did the bright lights and broken skies blind you?
Did the shining gold of the fading distract you?
Did the glass and cement jungles  blocked your view?
Did the shuffling of your green trump cards please you?
Did the black mirrors of today keep you as captives in their cages of self-praise and deceitful truths?
Did the burst of anger between one and another, and the absence of peace remind you of this life?
Did another life lost, remind you, that time, is lost?  
Did the Cross on a Church in your neighborhood remind you of the cost?
The cost that HE paid for, just so that he could have you in his arms,
That he can save you from the swallowing sands of this life,
to remind you to strive.
To strive for the reward waiting for you in heaven.
To have your spirit awakened.
To know that this is not it.
That this is not life.
That the golden statues of today and the virtual praises from virtual faces is not it.
That this life is so much more than this.
That finally, you could see,
there is so much more.......than these...