snaking
on my chest
on this very cold night
is a tight metal locket
heart-shaped!
burning, burning
burning

I am not over you yet.
So I'll keep looking
for that one last clue;
an ultimate goodbye;
with or without wanting to.

You are the only one I'll ever hate.
You are everything I don't want to be.
You are sins.

You are my inferiority complex.

I miss you.

There's no end, no beginning to it.

Our realities
are two different realities.
They cannot merge
into one.
You and I
can never make none.

twist in the stomach
heaviness on my chest
this is how I take it out.

Twinkle, twinkle little star
I miss your twinkle from afar
Nights I have sobbed, days I have cried
With your smile I can forget each scar
So twinkle, twinkle little star!

Do you go back and trace those letters reeking of your lost love, lost hope, lost years?
Trace, without touching, that is. Never touching. Because how can you? They are as unreachable as are the skies. (And the skies you can still see every night.)

I don't know what kind of a revenge that is.
You left me, so I left you.
But it's just me who is suffering.

I don't think you get it. I am suffering every moment.
I miss you more than you do.

*Do you even?

A bit of sadness and a pinch of sorrow

Insecure heart, soul pained until tomorrow.

I am dying hi

It gets okay, right? At the end. It does get better if you survive, yes?

Today
I am completely utterly absolutely tired
Of all I went through, with or without you.

Today
I want to give up. But I don't know where the exit door is.

I don't know where peace might be.

Don't know where I wouldn't find thee.

I miss you. I am not thinking of you.
It's not at all painful for me to think of you
So much.

Thoughts like flashlights running everywhere
All I want is a piece of soothing night.

Bared in front of you,
I admitted that you had, after all, some power over me
And that is how I lost.

The truth is
We can't feel normal until we get what we want.
Compensation is a lie we tell ourselves and around.

We will keep wanting each other
but never say
and live like that
but never live.

When you told me
about the feelings
you had
for me,
I could not believe you.

I have a hard time trusting people generally,
thanks to the **** I have gone through
and this was so specifically special
that I just couldn't help
but run away.

so I did.

But
somehow like that
I wanted you to follow me
and tell me you wouldn't hurt
and that it will be fine.
Tsk. Wishes.

Why, all of a sudden, do I feel so cold now?
It's hardly been an hour since you left.

You are so ****** for not seeing the trap
For not paying heed to the warnings your heart keeps giving
Don't worry -- it will stop. But so will you
And I only want you to not die a mess.

Oh you know, there's this way where if I turn my Facebook chat off, it will show me in a light screen which people were online how many minutes ago.
It's usually a different list from my active ones. And well,
I lost your name when we didn't chat for more than a month.
I do that so I can see you.
It lets me see that you were there even if we aren't

We are all sad, broken, shy
Caught up in one boggling goodbye:
That was not said, or heard
Or meant.

We are all shy, broken, sad
Counting at night what in those days we had:
What was stolen, taken, sent
No good meant.

We are all broken, broken, broken.

And I don't know what to write, anymore.

My phone beeps
And my heart leaps
It's him, it says
Stupid heart,
I feel guilty almost immediately
Why would I still wait,
hope, want?
A year has passed,
And five days.
Stupid phone,
Stupid memory.

who came to help you pick yourself up
when life weighed you down
in the end, it's only this that matters

a poem in my pocket, a rose pressed dry
scent of a memory; a tender, tearing sigh

My browser says I searched for you but that's not true
I only searched for a missing piece, one that was to stay but say,
It just went away.

We were laughing cuz we thought we were okay
Until we couldn't laugh any longer
And falling to our knees,
We Cried
Without ever getting to stand again.

Why can't I leave you like you have left me? Why has it got to hurt like this - this? (How do I hold it in my hands and show you how much?)
It's so much when it comes. Like a large wave it washes over me.
Drenches me thoroughly. I shiver, cry, tremble.
I think it seeps through me. Becomes part of me for days to come. Until it subsides for a moment - to re-happen and become me, again.*

Your memories. Your lies. Our love.

It must be black;
so heavy, dissolving every other light inside
But black is prominent
and this ache is so invisible to everyone but me
It's probably the color of my skin, my blood
It is sitting on my chest, clawing everywhere
My heartache is the color of your eyes
The spelling of your name
The miles between us
and the lies.

If I told you I still look back at the footsteps you left when we parted ways,
Would you believe what it means to me still?
Would you come back?

Listening to your favorite music
thinking how you'd liked it,
my pen writes the way you had liked
to read,
while my mind questions just this:
where do I remain?

The grass was wet when the sky was black
Earth stood aburst with a hundred smells
But tiptoeing left thunder, as if mended was the crack
And the sand swallowed rain drops

The door of my house stands open
My nights have become accustomed to waiting
I have forgotten how to take care of myself
Please come and teach me once again.

Brain shutdown is a thing.
And now I know how it happens (though I may not necessarily
be able to describe it in words that are apt,
because it's more or less an elusive idea - not tangible.)
It doesn't happen because of a guy.
Or a girl for that matter.
Intimidation, however, could be a chief cause.

When someone throws words at you that reek of eloquence designed specifically in twists to make you feel inferior
Or when you come across terms that are alien, important and alien, like Physics or Philosophy,
Maths, or anything else really that is "important" to get and you're all pressured,
and alien,
Existence Of God - Nonexistence of The World.

Or when it gets too much from people and circumstances
And you feel like you're standing mid-road with all that traffic coming to hit you on your face
so you will fall,
so you will disappear
And instead,
your mind falls. and it disappears.
and quitens
entrapped in a blanket, this brain of yours
you go whoosh. BLANK.

When something bad happens in my life, I start spending most of my time sleeping,
And all of my time distracting.

When you came, I was already on my early-to-bed formula-for-peace,
And when I realized you wouldn't stay, I once again became a princess locked in a castle covered in soot-black night.
The only windows were too high, the only light was flickering hope.

When something bad happens in my life, and if it's great, I wait for time to settle the whirling ***** and rack them in a frame
Because I saw most of my pool ***** fall in place but you hit the final score and now I cannot trust an effort's worth anymore.
I thought I would part with grace this time. I didn't know you could hurt me on my way.

When you left, you forgot to fasten the doors as politely as you had tried to open them
Behind you, they were left at the mercy of the storm that started soon after.
Rattled until shut, of course. But the noise was so loud it still rings in my ears
Like your promises echo against the walls from dawn to dusk, your poems perch on my eyelids when I lay on bed
To sleep, too weak.

I only hope I didn't come across very vulnerable, that you didn't linger a little longer to see my shadow on the same window,
That my metaphors didn't tell my tale,
That I didn't lose myself if I couldn't win you.

One day you will see him walking down the road
a hand in the pocket of his jeans, a Rolex on the other
humming to himself strange tunes of yesteryear
and as his phone would beep, he would fish it out to see...

You will see him walking down the road
and you will want to go. You know he will stop in his tracks
and his eyes would sparkle with surprise (pleasant or not, you won't know.)
And you will put on a brave show
standing opposite to him, smiling, you will ask: hey, how have you been?
and you will notice how a small, sweet smile will spread across his face,
as if to say: oh, I recognize you.
And just that. I recognize you. And not I love you
Not I have loved you, not I remember how you loved me, too.

Which is why you won't go.

Because him recognizing you won't be enough, ever
without him recognizing what you went through after you said it
without him recognizing how you couldn't live after you said it
without him recognizing why you couldn't do anything but that,
*for him.

that rain which comes
after every dark storm
to wash away the grey,
as you always like to say

i have been waiting for it now
since ages. of pain, brokenness,
and loneliness.
(come take me away)

I can't help writing
pages after pages after pages
about you, and about this void that is filled
with only the white colors of your absence.

Sometimes a question hangs there,
like a cobweb: weak, or a metal tied to a string;
strong and heavy, and crushing
and I wonder for hours while I am trapped in these walls
of distance, and despair, and yearning:
Were you really ever mine?

you are a *****, he said.
because I write like that?
but what has this sentence
to do with whority
(is that a word?)
what is it that I do
which resembles whority
I compromised on my social
emotional gains for your ego-too-biggy
that's why?
because I slang-shame you here? bare my soul
to complete strangers
But I only do poetry!
poetry drenched in rotting wine
stinking madness
or because I keep up at nights?

It bleeds again
this heart
the only one capable
to repair it
is you
and you are never here.

I am rude with her
I am always rude with her, she says
Why can't I talk like a normal person?
What is my problem?
Oh God.
I am rude with her, she says.
I don't get why I would be,
Either.
It's just that sometimes when life
hits me hard, like really badly,
and I decide to pour a part into
someone else, a friend, for example
by just sharing,
by just saying,
to just minimize a bit of my insanity;
I can't.
I try talking but I stop midway because I realize that I can't.
I can't share things with you or her or them.
No one. I can't!
So it's not like I can't talk normally with you
I do want to
I do try to, (and mostly it's just me trying anyway)
But it's this that I
Don't feel normal anymore!

Because he will leave you as soon as he realizes you are not unattainable.

you need time, time, time; you are under stress.
Sleep
there are assignments to make, but it's still not their last date.
Sleep
you know it's hard to face the world, nothing's changing much your fate
Sleep
all these bags under your eyes, the hole that just doesn't fill says:
Sleep

Oh no,
no, no, no, no, no!
I don't think of you like that at all.

Not during day's tiresome hours between odd jobs, even times
Not at nights when I lay down to sleep or when sleep is far away,
I do better jobs
Like.... like. anything.
I don't see your face among crowds, don't miss you when I'm between people
Don't hear your laughter
Don't find myself shattering
or struggling
to run away
I don't, don't still see your initials on the screen of my phone, shining
Don't visualize getting a message from you, oh, never
I don't go about hoping we could get out of it and be Okay,
I don't keep saying I believe in "good" byes. And I am not sad.
And I never lie.

It's extremely painful to not be able to not miss you
I miss you so many times in a day it leaves me less
and lesser will to live.

I know you don't check on me
Or think of me
Nor miss me like I do you.
But I also know that the image
Of what you know of me
Will cross your mind
With each lyric of our favorite songs
Whenever you hear them
And Always.

I also know that
Each time the name
Of my land will be taken
It will be me you will immediately think of.

But right now, at 2 a.m., I lay wondering if
This thought will bring you a pang of pain or will it just
Fleet away in a moment's moment?

Will you stop and pay homage to the miseries of fate and distances?

A year--
how quickly has it passed
from last year's December
to this year's winter:
a mere return of snow and rains;
That, I wish I could say.
But the truth is;
it was the slowest of the slowest,
the most torturous ride.
Because this year
I've felt each minute ticking by,
each season changing
leaves falling and flowers coming.

Reveling in the not-too-glorious
glitter of unrequited love,
this year I've known suffering.

Maybe it's okay to wait and keep waiting for that one encounter that isn't happening
to keep rekindling that one hope
day after day, and night.

It's alright to want for yourself a return of what you gave.
It's okay to wish. It's okay to not move on for as long as you possibly cannot.