Dear Diary, today is a new day
I waited for all the rain clouds to go away
Things may be looking up from here
I hope I'm not being too hopeful
Dear Diary, I didn't eat today
Not because of self image but rather my stomach's in frayed
Knots and I can't seem to keep anything down
Except the kind words of those who are around
Dear Diary, I couldn't sleep last night though I felt so tired
And that made it so hard to get up in the morning it felt like my
Shoulders were being held down by rain clouds
I wish I could fight this feeling somehow
Dear Diary, people keep asking if I'm okay which I
Don't understand but either way I say
Yes I'm okay, just a little blue
But at night it feels like my mind's split I two
Dear Diary, I cried ten times today
But my parents aren't asking me if I'm okay
I come home each afternoon and lay in my bed until my brain sings a different tune,
Dear Diary, I saw my doctor today
She FINALLY asked me if I was okay and I didn't
Know how to respond because honestly I didn't know on my own,
Dear Diary, I didn't wanna get up today
So I stayed in bed and it was there that I laid
And doodled on my arm with a razor blade until
Every foul thought slowly faded away,
Dear Diary, my parents have noticed my arms
But they didn't seem even remotely alarmed as I
Stayed in bed once more then I added on another four,
Dear Diary, I often wish I was dead because there
Are thoughts screaming at me in my head and I'm
Trapped in this cold body I'm in while I
Waste away as the walls slowly spin
DEAR DIARY, THEY PUMPED MY STOMACH TODAY
AND AFTER HOURS OF AGONY I WISH I HAD STAYED
HOME ONE MORE DAY SO ID HAVE MORE TIME
SO WHEN MY PARENTS CAME HOME THEY'D HAVE ONLY MY BODY TO FIND,
DEAR DIARY, I CAN'T GO ON THIS WAY,
EVERY DAY AFTER DAY IS FILLED WITH PAIN AND I'M
TRAPPED WITH THORNS AROUND MY THROAT BUT
I CANT BRING MYSELF TO BRING THEM UP CLOSE,
Dear Diary, today is a new day
I waited for all the rain clouds to go away
Things may be looking up from here
I hope I'm not being too hopeful.

the feeling of unwanted fingertips tends to wash over my skin in the same manner that the cold washed over yours
but heat transfers, or lack-there-of.
it was in this way that i became sick,
or maybe the smoke i've filled my lungs with had finally done me in.
i drank cough syrup either way.
i guess i was unaware at the time, but the smell of cherries was what did me in.
cherries, and i felt your hands once again
cherries, and my breathing nearly stopped all at once
cherries, and my hands began to tremble so violently that i dropped the bottle.
cherries, as i leaned over the toilet throwing up sticky sweet memories
cherries, as i drew further and further into myself and, subsequently, closer into your arms
cherries, as my eyes dried from the excessive tears and i could no longer manage any noise.
cherries, as your cold transferred into me and your hands clenched around my wrists
cherries, as the entire weight of your body was laid on top of mine
cherries, and i couldn't move, i couldn't scream, i couldn't see
cherries, as your voice echoed in my mind, preventing me any relief from this nightmare,
cherries.

no, not even the simplest of coughs could find relief under such strain.
because my cough syrup smelled like your red slushee vape juice,
i froze. and i couldn't pick myself up again
i couldn't front the storm, i couldn't slip you into my pocket
i couldn't put you on the back burner.
i couldn't erase you from my mind no matter how many times i tried i couldn't wipe you off of my skin no matter how hard i scrubbed
i couldn't close my eyes without hearing your voice telling me to stay still i cant stop smelling your ******* red slushee vape juice because the scent accompanies every panic attack and every breakdown.
and i sure as hell couldn't stop the blood from flowing once it had started.
the stress that made it hard to breathe had gotten to you, inside of me
and there was so much blood.
the doctor said it was normal for it to be about the same consistency as cherry cough syrup.

i can't drink it anymore.

I didn't think anything of the ringing in my ears until you told me that silence shouldn't be so loud
You had that same problem.
Too many concerts that were far too loud
Too many nights driving with the windows down
Blasting our favorite songs and screaming our hearts out
I wouldn't take a single second back given the chance
And I'd hope for the same of you.
I think of you whenever it rains because you loved it so much
As did I.
I think of sitting in your car while the raindrops on the window shone onto my thigh
That's when I learned to find beauty in the smallest of things
Like the way your laugh was rough and sweet
And how your eyes glimmered when they met mine.
The other day there was a firefly outside of my bedroom window
I had been crying over the empty feeling that tends to settle in my chest when I am alone
And when I saw its tiny flickering on my windowsill
I managed a smile.
Because I thought of the day we met
And how the cranberry bog hosted as many as I had ever seen in one place
You walked behind as I chased them in my bright yellow shoes
And you held me as I sobbed over their tiny significance.
When I can feel past unwelcome hands on my skin and in my bones
I think of the night you saw me scared shitless, sobbing next to you in bed
I covered my mouth to muffle the sound of my fear as hot tears fell onto my cheeks.
You held my shaking palm in your own
And then held me in your arms, which I have grown accustomed to call my home.
If I had one wish, it would be to posses the ability to evoke the feeling of your arms around me at will.
When you'd ask if I have ever been in love I'd find myself lost
Because in all of the past relationships I've taken part in
I have never felt nearly as happy and alive as I did when you were by my side.
So I guess, though current,
The answer to your question
Is yes.

Oh, sacred Cupid
Stick me with your arrow and bring me to my feet
My knees have gotten so very weak and tired
Turn my sobs to kisses then back to sobs once more
And allow myself to forget my troubles even for a moment.
Allow love to take its fingers and lock them into mine
Only to break each and every finger just one more time
Touch my skin and allow it to erode and decay
Either finish me off entirely or take your love away

*I'd rather die than live another day

We were young when we built our first house
Each brick was a dream of ours
And though the house was supported
We built it too big.
Too many empty halls,
Too many empty rooms,
So secrets began to check into them.
And when these house guests gathered for breakfast
Their welcome was outgrown.
So our big house emptied, one by one
And it seemed to be the end.

But of course, we could always downsize.

So we were still young when we built our second house
This time, being much smaller
But, unsurprisingly,
This home didn't last long either.
A huge storm arrived,
And tore the boards apart
Yet each gust was oh so tender,
It was as if they came from your hands.

And though I loved to be right,
I hated being right about this.