I don't understand the concept
Of shaming someone for speaking
About their problems simply because someone else’s could be bigger

Why would one walk up
To a depressed woman with
Cuts on her wrist and say,
“You shouldn't be complaining,
My friend killed herself.”

Why on earth would telling someone
That their burdens aren't justified
Because they aren't heavy enough to
Fit society’s sympathy scale
Bring you any form of joy?

For the love of GOD, I'd never
Walk up to a teenage boy
And say, “You should be ashamed of yourself
There are kids starving in Africa but THEY DON’T CUT THEIR WRISTS.”

People often suffer in silence
Though they're being eaten alive
Because they think their demons
Aren't monstrous enough for sympathy

I can count on two hands
All of the times I've been told
“You should be grateful
That you don't have it worse”

My problems
Shouldn't be justified
Based on how severe I'm
Hurting.

Everyone has a different definition
Of “falling apart”
And if you kept yours to yourself
Maybe I wouldn't be so afraid

Afraid to let people know
That I'm often not okay
But I'm afraid to hear someone
Tell me “it could be worse”

Because if I feel like I constantly
Wish I could sleep for a decade
It doesn't matter if
Someone else seems more distressed

I'm so tired of mental illness
Being a contest of who has it worse
Because it affects everyone
In different ways

I don't care if she may
Have it worse than I
Because I still find it hard
To get out of bed in the morning

And I really wish
Coming clean about your struggles
Didn't turn into a game of
“Who has it worse?”.

if, surrounded by lovers,
your mind starts to hover,
to a time and place
where nothing mattered,
you may be tempted,
since you're relentless,
to visit your past affairs.

you may count every name,
and pretend you feel no shame,
but deep within, you're unhappy.
you understand your fate
but truly, as of late,
you wonder if you messed up royally.

with so many chances,
and plenty of dances,
you've managed to wind up alone.
and every time you close your eyes,
or look up into the clear night sky,
you only remember his touch.

the regret, like sadness, comes in waves,
and trying to get by every day,
has become quite exhausting.
and though your very heart is torn,
you eagerly await every storm,
because no one can see you cry in the rain.

Blow out each candle
Your party is over now, babe
Wrapping paper walls
What a mess!
Your hourglass shattered
Time has run out!
No need to cry,
It’s just spilled milk!

Why is your doll grinning?
Does she know something?
Something I can’t find?
Be quiet darling, your father’s coming
Forgotten but certainly not gone!
If he breaks the walls down
We will build more!
Candy houses need less repair
Simply frost our pieces together!
Nobody remembers us, anyway
We’ve been gone for years now
Just drink your tea, baby
Don’t listen to this man.

You can scream loud like a siren
Just wait until he leaves!
Put on your dress and be a good girl
Don’t make eye contact
Smile!
Hide your wrist, baby
Don’t let the man see
We’ll play once he leaves
Just down more syrup
And you’ll slumber soon
Say hello to daddy’s ****
She’s here for a bit, not long though
Just be nice to her, baby
I know she’s all plastic
And I know he reeks of gin
Just try to smile, baby
They’re only here for a while.
We’ll be gone soon!
Just eat your cake.

Snapping twigs like snapping bones
A silent silence that silences all
Almost unreal, almost too still
A different planet, maybe.
But as she drew nearer
Wide-eyed and weary
Early on this bitter morn
She was alone once more.
Fawn-less now, unattended
Even stag, if you will
Yearning for her child still
But hey, a wolf’s gotta eat.
Another meal for another beast
She walks along, breaking bones
Scenery just as grey as the sky
A shiny lense catches her wide eye.
It witnessed every last detail
Every gruesome cry and wail
Will they enjoy this tragedy?
She doubts it.
As of late, the hunting ended
But she hopes they will learn
That after she’s hunted by guns
She’s hunted by fangs.

Goosebumps
On goosebumps,
On goosebumps.
The air had grown cold by then,
My blue blood clouded my thoughts and the bathwater
My fingers dried up like a heart left in the sun for a bit too long
I was immobile.
My soapy eyes turned bright red The only heat supplied by my body was through my salty tears
I had managed to think of everything and nothing all at once
And it was a lot to process.

So I emerged and grabbed my towel from its hanger
I took my stance in front of the mirror and peered
I looked deep into my being to find what was keeping me here
And came up empty.
So I wrapped my arm,
I brushed my hair,
And I stepped back into reality.

Clench me by the throat
And throw me down to hell
Maybe that’s where I belong
‘Cause I ain’t doing well

Your words dig into me like knives
But I’ve got many scars
Beat me ******, beat me bruised
And take me to the stars

Dig your nails into my spine
Then tell me it’s for love
Tell me I’m your entire world
Then crush my mourning dove

Tell me I was your beautiful rose
But I pricked you with a thorn
Tell me I was your shimmering stars
Then leave my petals torn

Chew me up then spit me out
Because we could never fit
But when I find a new shimmering sun
You’ll feel like absolute ****.

Cannot listen to certain tunes
Due to poison melodies.
Cannot sing in an empty room
Too used to sympathy.
Cannot go to certain places
For fear that you are there.
Cannot hide in hidden spaces
For you are everywhere.
No "happy holidays" for me this year
The anniversary of life.
Shedding gallons of quiet tears
As you threatened with a knife.
As I burn all of your clothes
And scorch away the pain,
Your ashes flowing through the air
Though things will stay the same.

Lie to me straight to my face
Lie my clothes off lie my legs open
Lie your way into me and watch as the lies roll off your tongue and on to mine
And I take them in without question because trust is what I believed we actually had
But truth and lies don't hold hands and neither do we
Your hands in mine but your hands in hers
Your hands touching me lying to me
Your hands spreading your filth and your guilt
You grab me with these same hands the same hands that formulated the lies spewing from your mouth
Spewing like toxins released I'm gagging on your words
The fumes choke me endlessly I struggle to breathe
You laugh because it's funny, I'm gullible
Or do I just trust too much I trust your sinful lips
Sinful hands sinful teeth hissing promises
Promises you know you can't keep yet you promise promise away
Promises I believe promises I believe you can keep
Promises that enter my bloodstream enter my wounds
They poison me I slowly unravel but your promises keep me breathing
Until they unravel into themselves and you forget why you lied in the first place and you
LEAVE

You leave.
And you poison another you poison her lungs
They bleed they bleed for you as mine did
But now my heart fills with gasoline
A fire too strong to put out it ignites still
With every beat flame arises I melt my insides I'm melting

Lies roll off your tongue and on to mine
I can taste you still.

I spend a lot of my time
Chasing a world of make believe
Why live in a cruel world
When you can settle on a nice cloud
Or fly to a happier place?
For the life of me I’ll never understand
Why people allow others to
Treat them so poorly when
They only deserve the best
Why walk across glass
When you could float above the clouds?
Every slap is the softest silk
Every tear is sugar
Nobody wishes to be alone
But being alone
Is better than being afraid
Because fear is very very real
And not the good kind

I wish I had never brought you here
This place this place of love
This place of safety
I felt safe
My favorite place
The place I come to when broken
When snapped into pieces
Stomped into the sand
Where salt in my hair meant comfort
And the calm cooling zephyrs
Wrapped me with care
And I never had to worry
About how I looked
Or what I had to wear
Or how salty and tangled was my hair
But now all I feel is you
I feel your energy your weight
You've ruined this place for me
I'm brought to tears feeling you near
Near this place I used to love
Near this place I once called my haven
And how our memories haunt me
I can't escape you
Cannot rid of your grin
Cannot rid of your teeth and the sins that you spin
And you've RUINED this place
One summer and you've ruined
The place I've loved unconditionally
The place I've been coming to
Since the age of three.

My friends got together
Over coffee and secrets
Intertwining fingers
And unfortunately, tongues.
I sat and watched
As my hope dwindled
From my mossy eyes
Love turning me sour.
And I smiled
As my dry eyes
Bore daggers through her
And his stitched her wounds.

I’m going to be okay.
I can feel energy
Surging through my fingertips
Your words pour over me
Like a beautiful thunderstorm
Every touch a crack of lightning
Followed by the low rumble of your wandering hands
Enveloped in a sensation too beautiful to describe
I screamed at the top of my lungs
And you screamed, too
Dancing in the rain we created
Crumbling under the hail.

I can feel my heart sink.
The low hum of my piano keys
Setting the mood for a heartfelt ballad
Yet I am alone.
The ringing is all I hear at night
All I hear when they say your name
My fingers ache from playing the same song
But god, I miss the melody dearly.

Because I still remember him
Because I can see him
In all of his glory
His touch still fresh
His hand imprinted on my thigh
Because I remember how he smells
And I remember how he felt
Because when he woke up
At six in the morning
Cuddled up on the bed
As I stood in the doorway
Tired from a sleepless night
And I smiled as he did for me
Because his hair was messy
But his skin was so warm
Because all touches
So early in the morning
Sent shivers through my body
Because I'll never be able
To forget his face
Or the way his arms felt
Around me
Imprinted in my
Pretty little brain
For all of eternity.

Though I sit here stagnant
I dream of things
Thing that are so real
Things that crack the foundation
Break your mother’s back for me
Energy surging through my fingertips
Every movement fueled by you
I’m running on fumes
Running from you
Running from your words and your eyes
They follow me no longer
I will run for new
New arms new home
New life away from you
This demon holds me down
Digging his nails in my skin
It is you.
I’ll get away, just you see
I don’t need you anymore
But you need me
You need my attention
You need me to need you
I don’t need you.
And though I sit here stagnant
I dream of things.

Skin red as berries
Dry to the touch
Blistered and burned
I wince as the pain
Envelops my entire being
An envious lust
She must know that
I’ve found a new sun
A punishment if she must
Learn to share me
Jealous of my love
For you, she cries
And burns my skin as
Payback.
I smile though hurt
Because this envy
Brings me a
Feeling of
Greed.

When I was seven years old, I found a body on the beach. It lay their, skin bloated and lips purple. I called to my mother and she took me away and told me not to look.

I asked her why the man washed up on our beach. It seemed as though she didn’t want to tell me. She put me on her lap and said,
“This man was very sad and lonely. He had no place to call home and no love of his own so he jumped off the bridge”. At the time I couldn’t grasp the concept of suicide.

Five years later I was crying in my room.

I asked myself why demons are evil, why did they choose to be this way when I eat myself alive if I’ve even remotely hurt another human being. I forgot how to feel.

And when I stayed home from school for a week nobody noticed. Why would they? I was just sick.

I asked myself why the rain had to fall. Why it swamped the Earth and drowned the good. I asked why I was here.

I was a disappointment. As if it wasn’t enough for me to feel as though I was one, I was constantly yelled at by the man who raised me for things I didn’t even do, crimes I didn’t even commit. In eighth grade he screamed at the top of his lungs and got red in the face with his “I GET SAD SOMETIMES TOO BUT YOU DON’T SEE ME CUTTING MY ******* WRISTS!”

There was no reasoning with him. He didn’t understand that there was nothing driving my sadness that was physical. He didn’t understand that sadness can spawn from deep within your soul and make even the sunniest days seem dark and gloomy. He didn’t understand depression. He didn’t understand me.

After the third of fourth time he caught me I blew up.

I asked him why a slap is accepted as discipline and why yelling is considered a form love. I asked him why HIS GOD would make me this way if it were a sin. That’s where his god ****** up.

And I asked why my wounds couldn’t heal with a band-aid and why the sun doesn’t shine on me anymore and why the days grow longer each day. I asked why the birds didn’t sing anymore and why I couldn’t lift myself out of bed in the morning because I felt as though someone sat on my chest. I asked him simple questions.

I asked why it was so easy to break apart razor blades and why he kept the pills in plain sight even when he knew how I was. I asked why nooses were so easy to tie and why he never came to get me when I was still in bed at 6:38 pm.

I asked him why the sound of me puking my guts out wasn’t recognizable from his bedroom. I asked him why he let me do this two myself THREE TIMES already without even maybe CONSIDERING the possibility that there was something wrong. My first trip to the hospital was when they had to PUMP MY STOMACH because of all the pills I swallowed. He kept them in a nice little cabinet in the bathroom with a lock on the door.

He told the doctor he hadn’t seen any sign and she asked WHY THERE WERE CUTS ON MY WRISTS WITHOUT HIM KNOWING.

Simple questions were asked.
“Why are you sad?”
“How long has this gone on for?”
“Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

To this I LAUGHED I LAUGHED AT THEIR QUESTIONS BECAUSE I NEVER BOTHERED WEARING SHORT SLEEVES AND MY FATHER SAW HOW MUCH TYLENOL I WOULD TAKE TO MANAGE THE PAIN AND HE FOUND THE BLADES BUT SIMPLY TOLD ME TO DISCARD OF THEM BUT LITTLE DID HE KNOW THAT THERE WERE MUCH MORE THINGS IN THE HOUSE THAT WERE MUCH SHARPER.

I asked them why the man jumped off the bridge and why that wasn’t an acceptable option anymore.

You were here early fall
Crisp air creating reason to bundle
The cracking of death under our toes
Though it was beautiful
We carved ourselves into pumpkins
An innocent activity for us
We picked apples
We (got)baked
My lungs filled with a burning
As things became even more unreal
And that night you
You, a god among heathens
You laid your hands upon me
My temple and my sanctuary
Without permission.
A ****** goddess laid in your bed
And you took advantage.
And though we ate cheese puffs
And visited graveyards
We were already dead
Already rotting six feet under
The insects knew our taste
We rotted filled with maggots
Awaiting a non-existent next life
Or maybe we were just asleep
But even in dreams
You **** me.

Heavy eyes and unspoken lullabies were familiar to me

Now, I never truly wished for your demise but the thought just came to me

If you were able to walk away from what we had without a single regret

Why wasn't I given the ability to pretend we had never met?

Unfairness was a common theme in our problematic little fling

And you were the one to pick a fight over every little thing

And I never wished for someone more muscular or tall

But I cannot love a man that loves to bang his head against the wall.

How my skin remains cold, I do not know.
My dry, cracked hands reach for yours,
But my reach is not met with warmth,
Merely a gust of bad memories.
My crinkling lungs only release dust
And my tired eyes haven't seen light in days
But I remain, still,
Reaching for your hand.
And with tears running down my cheeks,
Accompanied by a hopeful smile,
I pretend your gaze would meet mine
If I could simply open my eyes.
If I would simply come back to life.

She screamed until her lungs were
Bleeding. Her eyes dry and ******
Her frail bones cracked
And her heavy heart
Sank.
A pebble in her pool of tears
Shallow still for
The sun takes the bulk
While a small sadness
Lingers.
And she dreamed of a
Better place
Where the skies were
Clear and the air
Was still.
But no joy
No happiness or hope
Could stop her
Hurricane.

Cry your eyes out, dear
Mix into puddles and streams
Shaking with fear and
Crushing the ground beneath your feet.
Scream your lungs out, dear
Yell for he who hurt you
Tear into his flesh with your teeth
Have no mercy.
Hide no longer, dear
Walk our streets without fear
Keep your head held high
But keep your eyes down.

If people were colors, he'd be gold
A shimmering metal so bright and bold
Much brighter than the jewelry sold
The luster increases each day tenfold

If people were colors, she would be gray
Like a cold morning or a cloudy day
And if she were to see him today
She'd fade all of his brightness away

Drown me in the river
Don’t let me make a sound
Swamp me with beauty
And put me in the ground
Bullets could never hurt
If they came from you
So hold my hand, darling
And heal my fatal wounds
You’re the only one I’d let hurt me
You’re the only one I’d let fix me
Darling, you’re the one I want
To put me in the ground

Break my heart, it’s easier this way

Your simple melody
A soothing serenity
Your notes dig into me
A beautiful symphony
I can feel my walls crumble
And you smile on and on
Your hand in mine like a glove
Letting me feel happiness once more
And though I'm broken
You're almost glue
Put the pieces together
One rainy afternoon
To make me and you
A little something new
And I smile between sobs
Because I beat the odds
Surviving the worst
Every single curse
And your journey ends
I guess it just depends
How happy you will be
And how you’ll make amends
You'll take me in your arms
And put me back together
And every time I see our sun
I'll remember your warmth
Though my heart aches
I'll be okay because
You'll be okay
And I float on your words
As you sing me to sleep
And it hurts so very much
And I'm hot to the touch
And every time you see our sun
You'll remember my skin
Burnt and blistered
Though I'm content.

I wonder what you think about
What beautiful thoughts pass through your mind
As you enter a state of almost serenity
And my palms sweat with every smile
You're beautiful and I'm just dirt
Mud on the bottom of your shoe
A smile that could shed light
In even the darkest of rooms
I think about what you think of at night
What you think of each morn
My stomach drops at your sight
So foolish, my beauty nonexistent
I see a girl not good enough
Nowhere near worthy
Just the shadow you cast
So I keep a comfortable distance
And try to imagine
How the Earth feels every day
When greeted by the sun.

How I wish I could forget.
Your smell, your taste
The way it felt to be
Wrapped in your warmth
I remember your laugh
And my hands in yours
And it’s a happy memory!
Until-
I remember your grin
Your yelling and your rage
Walking on eggshells was better
Than walking across broken glass
Slam the door on my fingers
Bite me, drawing blood
Later I get stitches.
And if the good were
To balance the bad
Maybe we would have worked!
But in all reality
You can’t trust a man
That bangs his head against
The wall.

Silky kisses
Painted jars
Hits and misses
Dimming stars

Angry yelling
Warming hugs
Story telling
Coffee mugs

Doubtful glares
Cigarette butts
Burned out flares
Paper cuts

Hot air
Lost ties
A worn out affair
A somber goodbye.

I can't seem to find the words to express how badly distressed I become when I think of you
And I can't seem to understand why I'm losing sleep
I feel lost I am lost and I can't find my way out
I'd like to cry and I'd like to scream and I'd like to let it all go
But I'd suddenly recall a time when it all washed away and I'd remember the way my future was clear as day
And I'd miss the feeling of knowing my next steps
Or the answers to the tests
But I never knew.
And I miss love
I miss being loved and I miss loving life
I miss being happy that I was alive
I miss the days when the sun would shine and the grass was green and the world was kind
Some people would argue these days didn't exist
But they did when I was with you.
They did when I was with you.

I cannot recall
Any recent night
Where my dreams were
Disturbed(by you).
I cannot recall
Feeling anything but
Relief when I see
You with her.
Knowing I'm finally free
A feeling of serendipity
Losing you was my
Most joyous mistake.
The solution was never
To try and erase your
Drawings from my walls
It was to paint over them.

The ideal beauty
Do we not have guidelines?
Different strokes for different folks
They appear to be well made
Built upons a solid foundation
In a world where everything done is judged
All relatively similar
All completely different
Admired from a distance
Please do not touch the art!
Violations and fees
Are we not beings?
So beautifully made
All works of art
Different definitions of such
Are they real?
Are we?
Some well recognized
Others independent
All beautiful regardless
Their eyes peer into our souls
“Why are they looking at us like that?”
Quoth the painting.

God, I weep for you
Your eyes peer into mine
I melt at your touch
Though I’ve never felt it
I dream of you consistently
It is all for naught.
You drift further back
Slowly but surely fading
Purple bruises adorn my arms
Wounded.
Though you smile still
My eyes well up with tears
We see each other in a different way
Love has many meanings.
I dream of what we could have been
There was never any chance
I never had a chance.
Self deprecation,
Per usual.
I never wished to be hurt
I never wished to ruin what we had.

I don’t really mind
the rain
The pitter patter calms
Yes, you may
soak thereafter
But clothes can be
dried
The same goes for your eyes
Go ahead
and cry your heart out
I won’t mind.

I just wanna SCREAM at the tops of my lungs but I'm worried nobody will hear me or, even worse, that I'd be heard and ignored and I can't remember the last time I was that loud

And I can feel my skin become ice cold no matter how many layers I wear and nobody can help anymore and it has **** near killed me

I don't remember how it feels to be content and I wish I did so I could at least find comfort in the past, but it's all a blur and I'm not sure if there's a cure.

You can't tell me I'll be better
When you've never felt how I do
When you've never held the world in your hands
Only to drop it, watching in slow motion
As it shatters on the ground
And you feel your stomach drop
And you heart stops beating
How do I go on?
How do I pretend I'm okay
When in reality I cry
Just thinking about everything that went wrong
And how do I go on when
Your memory haunts me still
And I cry myself to sleep at night
As your name slips off my tongue
I yearn to cut it off but
Everyone says I'll taste another
What if I don't like my tastebuds anymore?
I can feel my throat swelling shut
But I do not panic
I sit as I let the reaction take over me
And you wonder why I couldn't just move on
Because you didn't realize the pain
I put myself in
In the first place.
My words taste bitter on my tongue
How I wish to cut it off.

My wounds
They will not heal
I cannot move at all
My wounds will not heal if you tear
Them open

We drove down memory lane
Cigarette cartons scattered at our toes
Trying to end our days with the setting sun
We switched lanes.
Our teeth chattered in the wind
Car top down, my top off
Our fingers blue and our eyes red
We took the wrong exit.
Dangerous turns down dangerous streets
Doors locked, windows up
We recognized the signs at first but
Something changed.
The engine sputtered and your hands tightened on the wheel
I tensed, my shoulders locked just as our eyes did
And we crashed.
Our hearts skidded on the pavement
Road burn kissing our skin so gently
And just as the sun was gone from the day
So were we.

Your eyes were like cherry wine
I was so eagerly Devine
I knew we were meant to be

You look my way and then it hit me
You absolutely positively
Knew I would fall eventually

And though I tried I could never please
Your greedy eyes saw nothing but a
Deer in the headlights

And in my head I knew I was
In danger I didn't leave because
Your bullets only made me feel numb.