Your blood soaked hands contradict
   your peaceful words
Fields of clover and wheat fed by
   rivers of blood and guts
Seek the individuality you deserve
   Seek no poisoned wells
When your casket is lowered
   nobody remembers why...

Looks like I'm going down today,
    The words cannot form because of the pain.

Losing you, I lost my heart too,
    Shipwrecked on an island dashed against the rocks,
    Bloodshed and bruised, blackened and blue,
Losing you, I lost my heart too.

I'm sacrificing my memories to keep your face clear,
    Thinking of you tears apart my heart, the blood smears,
    Why'd you have to leave me in this desert heat?

How could your eyes possibly be blinded to my love?
    Did your heart never leap or overflow because of me?
    I gave you more than my love, I gave you more than all of me,
    I gave you my scars, my heart, my stars; why are we apart?

Maybe you'll wake up one day next to him,
    You'd wish he were me, and I wouldn't be there.

I'd be lost, wondering the mazes of my mind...
    Running from you.

Another day lost
I don't know the cost
Good night

Oh, the sheep have fangs!
   They have buried them
   within my fickle flesh!

They tear and gnaw until
   I am, to the bone, broken.
Woe to me!

Deserted island, just me and the waves.
  Driftwood washing ashore, lies are no more.
Palm trees encircled all around the shore,
  Skull and crossbones adorn my lonesome home.

Nothing to do with my adequate time,
  But to build sand kingdoms and,
Watch them crumble with shifting tides.
  Oh, what a blight to be me!

Passing ships glide over starlight's gaze,
  Nothing but laughter from their crowded   decks.
The only friend I have is a coconut;
  To eat or to talk? A tough decision...

I'm broken
beaten down
worn out
hollow
tired

all those other
synonyms for what
I have become

****

everything is just so wrong
all of my plans burnt down
along with too many bridges

I mean
I've lost everyone I can count on
in one way or another
So I wrap myself up in the hurt
because it's the only blanket I have
against the cruel world I live in

****

Why do I even bother writing anymore
there's only so many ways I can say
I'm a broken human being
Not broken in a good way
But broken in a way that makes me
non-functional

how many friends I lost
know I'm going to lose more
just because that's how life works
I stopped counting
after I lost my lover
then my best friend
stopped counting
after the fourth suicide
the missing

****

it's time to put the pen down
I can't write away all of my problems
there's no value in "I miss you"
no matter how eloquently I pen it
you're not here anymore

and I'm so ****** up
this poem don't even have a single
Person in mind when I'm writing it
I literally can't keep track of
how many different pains
I'm trying to address...

oh well...

*****

If you want love...
             ...you're going to have to
    ...go through the pain...

One day at a time
Rain, Sun, falling leaves, frost
They have come and gone
Like love when it resided in this heart
Before suffocating
Bludgeoned by those
Who needed it most
I once loved you
Like I once loved life
But with both
Only shards and embers remain
Lost in every teardrop
One day at a time

Transcendent
Like a phoenix
Up from fire
Heat
Blistering skin
Of all who are
Underneath
In caves
They will hide
And scratch out
Meager living
Dripping
Forming up
Water runs
Through earth
Stalagmites
Stalactites
Pillars
Fallen down
Asleep evermore

I think it's about time I
faced all of my devils
that I buried so deep.

I think it's about time I
woke up from this slumber
I have cast upon myself.

The man in the mirror is
so different from the man
I have always strove to be.

I'm done with maybe's
& want to's
& wish I's
& just am's

I'm going to accept the darker
pieces of my soul I kept locked
and buried away.

I lose myself in my lusts
but I never lose my care
for those who I love.

I get swallowed up in
agonies too great to understand
but I never will end it all.

I have the greatest
friends in the world
who understand why.

Thank you all for your
love and support you give
for forgiving me when I get carried away.

I am very unwell
My body wretches
Heart palpitates &
I am very unwell
A sickly soul within
Darkness got a hold
Won't let me go &
I am very unwell
My skin creeps
My bones creak
My voice croaks &
I am very unwell

Lately I've been struggling to look Up
My faith is fracturing, not reflecting
I know God is just sharpening me up
To be the warrior that He's called me to be
In order to do that He's inflicting the pain
But I'm trying to handle it in a fleshly way

I'm trying to say I'm sorry for getting so consumed
By all this hurt that I don't know how to let go of
I'd rather hang onto it and then blame You
Take it out of Your hands and lose my way
Lord I don't know what to do anymore
I'm angry at You for all the things I do
I'm so sorry, I never meant to become this way
I hate the fact You died so I couldn't condemn myself

God, please don't ever take away the anger I have
I just pray You show me how to redirect it away from You and myself
I pray you don't take my pain away, but allow me to endure it
Give me the strength to crucify myself and the demons in my head
Please let me trust in You again, because I know there's no other than You.

The piercing cold has frozen my hold.
As my breath mists in the wind, I lose my mind in my sin.
Why did I walk through the pitch black portal?
Why did I sell my innocence for a price that wasn't priceless?
I look into the mirror, my face is what I see.
Yet my eyes hold a darkness, how is this me?
So I turn in horror, step out for some air.
But from me escapes screams of unfiltered anguish 'til my voice is like a bear.
Why did I walk?
Why did I sell?
Let the cold take me.
It's warmer than my hell.

I waited for you...
So long I waited for you...

Do you know how many storms I endured for you?
The battles I fought against demons to keep you in my heart?
I would have walked off the end of the world to be with you.

To call you mine...
But you never came...

The storms grew more violent and colder.
The demons became stronger over the seasons.
How long do you think I could withhold myself?

I sat alone...
You never came...

So as the frosts of this cold love overtook my heart
Coating it in a layer of ice, and letting it freeze solid;

Then you came...
And you picked up my heart...
And you dropped it on the stone floor...
Shattering it into a million pieces...
Without a second thought...

And people ask why I hate love.

Bodies unite and collide together
Pleasurable bliss intertwined by flesh
Sweat soaked sheets and rhythmic movements
Gentle tenderness and ***** fetishism alike
Soft candlelight dancing on the wallpaper
Hands exploring the warmth of bodies
Rose petals spread all across the floor
Beauty in its purest form in this act
This act meant to be hallowed
Has become so hollow

I lust for the things I do not need
Chaining myself to these sorrows of sins
I pray without seeking forgiveness
Hating those evil men whom pray louder

I am pride, I am hubris, I am blind
Honesty died long ago in my youth
I am a twisted and cursed creature
Painted with a disarming masquerade

I am what You hate, I am two-face
Walking in darkness and claiming light
I love adultery and hate Your Love
Lord I am sorry... Lord I am sorry

When I wrote you this, I was in a really bad place
   do you remember?

My faith is practically dead right now, future me
   do you remember?

You're missing the woman you love that you lost
   do you remember?

She's that sparkle of gold stuck in your soul
   do you remember?

Or how strained things are between Kayla and you
   do you remember?

Remember that night you wanted to end it all?
   do you remember?

Have you come to terms with your friend's suicide, yet?
   do you remember?

You're going to be a warrior someday... I have to endure
   do you remember?

Has anyone wanted your love, your passion?
   do you remember?

I hope you're married by the time I read this again...
   do you remember?

Maybe you'll still be where I am now, stuck in love
   do you remember?

Just know it was worth it, loving her. Even though she's lost...
   *do you remember?

This love of mine, fatally wounded,
It will wait for you in agonizing patience,
For the pages of your life to flip, right to left,
Enduring the days until you finally see who truly loves you.

This is not a boast of arrogance, but a commitment of facts;
Hands clasped together and heart restrained with crystal chains, I have walked with you through tormentuous chasms and clifftops.

I am the one for you, the only one, because all others would have blown away like straw in the wind.
No other man has seen the depths of your heart as I have.
None person has fathomed the twinkling starlight in your eyes, the portal to your glimmering spirit.

So I'll wait for you as the fires of hell hollow me within,
Burning me up, becoming tortured for your sake.
For you I will wait, to claim your heart...
To give you mine...
**For love

You are the rain falling from the sky,
Serenading yourself off the shingled roof.
Though I have shelter, walls and a ceiling,
You trickle your way through the cracks.

An empty room gathers dust;
Snow collects in corners of windows;
And my resistance to you
Suffers from your irresistibility.

I was freshly turned 17, you were freshly turned 21.
I didn't know you ***** me at the time, but I now know for sure.
I was madly in love with another woman, frustrated I wasn't getting her.
So you saw an opportunity to teach me the birds and the bees.
Yet you were still a stranger to me.
How could I say no with my raging hormones?
Didn't think that desire would burn into my bones
Never expected an addiction to make its home in me.
In between these years I'm still within that sphere
Another one night stand, another *** buddy, another thrill that kills a part of me.
I bet you didn't think that your in-between-boyfriends-plaything would start doing what you did to me.
Except now I despise myself when I realized I take advantage of my playthings... maybe ***** someone like you ***** me.
I don't blame you, though. I only blame myself.
I'm trying to forgive you, like I'm learning to forgive myself.

Maybe it will be nice
To cross my legs and sit at the water's edge
Breathe in... Breathe out
Let the water surrounded me
Surrender myself to the rising tide
And let all the thoughts I have of you
All the feelings swirling in my heart
Wash away in the force of the ocean
Every sea creature mourn with me
And my ghost seen on the full moon
Legendary broken heart foretold
For all generations

You don't have to...
Cut
Drink
Drug
Have ***
Lie
Work
Or be popular to fill that hole in you.
It's not about being perfect, but being vulnerable.
Maybe if you open yourself up, let go of your control
You could find a piece of that peace you're looking for.
I'm always here if anyone needs me.

-JJ

Take my silence one step too far
Take my violence and tear me apart
Your words are the cure I need
Your love is where my heart will feed

Indiscriminate demons fill my head
They try to tie my to my bed

The flame in my heart
                              is a smoulder
The only blame falls
                            on my shoulders

Help me find my way out
My eyes show only doubt
Help me find my way out
My eyes show only doubt

I'm pushing back the battle lines
Trying to capture all the lost time
This is just a forlorn endeavor
Forever severed whenever I fall

Help me find my way out
My eyes show only doubt
Help me find my way out
My eyes show only doubt

The flame
is a smoulder
The blame
on my shoulders
I don't surrender
I don't surrender
I don't surrender
I DON'T SURRENDER

Help me find my way out
I don't surrender
My eyes show only doubt
I don't surrender
Help me find my way out
I don't surrender
My eyes show only doubt
*I don't surrender

Sixty days straight you've been on my mind;
  sixty days straight is a helluva lot of time
  to go without seeing your face, beautiful face;
  Time's a race and I just want it to be erased!

If I have to be honest let me say:
  I'm angry about losing you, today.
No more of pining for what I lost;
  today's the day I'm angry of the cost!

Babe, I hope you're feeling the same way.
We melted into each other's
                                     cracks and crevices.

We intertwined in love like it was a design
  and our hearts aligned, our souls combined,
  torn apart, unkind; now all that's left is a
                                                               ­  chalk outline!

I know you'd probably want me to move on and be happy;
All I know is  I was happy when I was with you, so happy.
Our story shouldn't be over, why'd it get torn apart?
Like a trilogy cancelled halfway through part 2...

Same, same, same, same,
Same, same, same;
Words, words, words, words, words;
Something about love,
Something about life;

Copy // paste broken feelings;
Attempts at a deeper meaning;
Trapped with the same words,
Said differently;
Seven hundred plus posted poems,
Seven hundred more I scrapped;
But every one I write,
Feels like I'm on page one...

For the briefest of moments, I met an angel;
She held stargazing eyes
And held in her hands, belief;
That things aren't always what they appear;
And I believe there was a smile on her face,
Though one was not on her lips.
Maybe one day we'll all be okay
And she'll be healed and held together,
Not by scars but by love.
One day perhaps,
We'll all be okay.

You are the one I'm talking about,
   When my words aren't there anymore.
Where the memories are bound to my heart,
   You gave my heart reasons to live.

My dear friend, I am only a skeleton,
   Stripped to bones by life's winds.
If you could feel my emptiness, death,
   So long ago, I was alive with you.

The raindrops fall in this desert,
   How I fell for you.
Reminders, remains, tell me all your secrets,
   Where is your heart, love?

The force behind my words, the reasons I write,
   Every letter a drop of our blood.
Sand falls out my mouth, you move on,
   *But did you know you were the one?

I don't believe in true love.
She said "you'll see one day..."
I've already seen enough.

I can run
                from
every monster in
my nightmares
                   But
I can't run from
       Me...

Slice slice slice
All over my arm.
Slash slash slash
All over my thighs
Cut cut cut
All over my hips

Making Roman numerals all over my skin
Hoping it will silence the voices within
Letting the blood run down and around
Hoping agony will drown and run aground.

My skin will mend
My bleeding will stop
But scars will remain
Penned onto my heart.

I forgot when I
Plucked you
From the rose bush
You had thorns

The blood dripping
From my heart
Reminded me
You still hurt

For a time my world was in vibrant colors,
All the oceans were in blue and green,
The deserts were in red and caramel brown,
And all the grass and trees were glittering emeralds,
The flowers were a myriad of colors, like rainbows,
And the snowy mountains were a deep purple, capped with twinkling snow.

But frosts came.
The oceans were frozen solid killing all life in them,
The deserts were like a sheet of ice was rolled over them,
The grass withered and died away; the trees were stripped of their leaves.
The pedals of the flowers fell and decayed into nothing,
And the sun is covered in black clouds that the snow twinkles no longer.

I'm cold and frozen.
My eyes only processes in black and white,
As my mind has forgotten what colors are.
Fire has since become extinct,
And light flees this forsaken world.
I endure it, though. I endure.
Because I love you,
And with you I remember color.