Strangely crushed
Don't want to be in love
Just clear my ears
Fall fast asleep
Curled under this oak tree
Please leave me in peace

This waiting period is strange
I'm not eager to fall in love
I'm alright for now
Not really working on myself
More so
Just existing
Feeling things more or less thoroughly
Than before
I don't know if it ever quite hits me
That this is now
And it's all I'll ever have
And someday I'll be in love
And it will be enough
It doesn't feel real
Thinking of love and me
I'm me
So solitary and full of imperfection
Just like everybody else, I guess
There's no one here I love right now
There are little aspects
I can appreciate
But I can feel that there's someone out there
Someone who manages to fit
My idealistic unrealistic vision of a soulmate
I guess that's childish
Thinking things like that are real
But some part of me can't help
But believe in them
Late nights of imagining them talking
[And by them I mean us]
In a small humble apartment
Gives me space to breathe
And as I'm on the edge of sleep
I feel warm and real
Happy to be alone

Rain drums on roof tiles
And I feel strangely happy
My heart is shy and keeps quiet
But right now, leaps forwards
Dreams of plaid couches
And carpeted dreams
I'm content, again
In my own head

Pale lights
Strike down around me like moonfire
I wonder how they're doing
I wonder how they're doing

Will my words someday
Be enshrined in the tombs
Of thousand letter books
Where will I be then

And will they embalm me
In book awards and fame
I don't think so
I'm not all that much
I''m not all that special

Should I just change
Cut you off
Cut you out
I don't know if I can do this anymore
The good times are good
But this sinking feeling never goes away for long
I'm never alone
Never without you
Plaguing my thoughts
I dream about you and
It makes me so tired
I wish it would all go away
The feelings
The obsessive thoughts
Why won't you disappear from my life
Pull away
Slowly
Why do you do this to me

Turns out that one good week
Was too much for me
But someday, I know
My heart will mend my soul
And I'll be better again

This is only temporary
So I'll leave you to your feelings
And work on being kinder
Open up my eyes and
Wait until you find you

In the end
This is not the end
You're only one bit
And you don't deserve
The things I did
So I'll be quiet
Go back to my old ways
Of dreaming about
What's behind your eyelids

This will end alright
I think
I just feel it

It doesn't matter
That our eyes didn't meet
When we passed in the hall
That they sat somewhere else
While I looked straight ahead
And laughed too loud
With all their old friends

It doesn't matter
That we only talk when they want to
We flirt in careless circles
If you could even call it that
We hit a rough patch
I should leave you behind
For those that care who I really am

It doesn't matter
That I always end up
Close to crying
I ought to get you out of my mind
But you remembered my birthday
And the pronouns my friend told you
Why did I ruin this
Why did I ruin this

Everything *****
So here I am
Trying not to cry
In the middle of a class
Over just one stupid person
One stupid, stupid person
Barely worth crying over

They say there's no use crying
Over spilled milk
And they are an oil spill
Staining everything
The sheets, the skies
Staining my painful heart

I just want to move on
To stop being stuck
On some teenage crush

Words don't explain
How ******* sad I am right now

Late morning
In a slush of wet snow
The early, indignant barks
Of neighborhood dogs
Fills in the spaces
Between soggy snowflakes

The warmth of the radiator
Settles over me like a wave
A warm wash of lethargy
Over my already tired blankets

Laying in bed
The heater set to 65
Cat on my lap and the door cracked open
Browsing online
Watching ****** youtube videos
on r/maliciouscompliance
Things could be worse
Things could be so much worse

Don't know what to say
Other than you're my new aesthetic
And the music that we play
Has me up all night long
Dancing in my room
Like I don't know how to die
'Cause your stupid smile
Has me laughing too
As our 2000's dance moves
Clear out the room
We feel too much like magic
Too much like chemistry
I hope the way I look at you
Is the same way you look at me

It's the sunny Tuesday
That I almost died
It snowed today
But I don't remember the weather back then
There's proof in the time
Truth between the lines
That I must be better now
But there's words in the air
Tangled in the storm clouds
Telling me I've lied

Things keep going
Even if you don't
You might be a fallen empire
But you and your followers
Are the only ones fallen
It sends out an impact
A ripple of emotion
That falls on mostly dead ears
And fades, in the end

Trees still grow in your absence
Kids still go to school
Even when the desk in the back
Right by the window
Is full no more
And the seasons will change
Flowers will bloom and
People will slough off
Their sweaty tee shirts
As your body grows old
Underground and in memory

You are gone but the world goes on
Things keep going

I got a new sweater today
Men's section
Of a cheap department store
It's too big on me
Fits like drapery
Concealing my form
That's the only thing I want to do anymore

I don't fit in clothes
Like I don't fit with girls
Too big, too bustless
Their sweaters hug my body
In all the wrong places

But I'm too small for boys
Too young
Too restless
With messy girly hair
And a slim doe's neck
I am not enough for them
I cannot fill their shoes

So I bury myself
In a baggy sweater
Drowning myself
In insecurities
Hoping no one will look closer
Find out what's beneath these clothes
Beneath this skin
Beneath "me"

Everyone thinks
Being bored is cinematic
It's not
Just boring
Cuz what's so cool
About sitting in my room
Next to a massive pile of laundry
Thinking idly about doing things
Knowing I won't
I don't see the appeal
It's not that I hate this
I'd just rather
Be doing anything else

I'm thriving
Growing like a ****
Laughing at midnight
In my room by myself
Not because I'm manic
But because I'm happy
Happy
It's been a while since I've said that

I love you
But only as a friend
Maybe a little less than that
It's a love from a worn out past
And it's fading
More now than ever before

You are kind
And I am strong and beautiful
Perhaps our paths diverge here
Not out of malice
Or ill will
Just differences
And the growth of two trees
In different directions

I do love her
Quietly
I wish it had snowed
Out on the roof
So I could've seen the delicate flakes
Land on her eyelashes

So it isn't effortless
I feel like I'm trying
Bumbling blindly
Wondering if she'll still love the real me

Maybe it just takes getting used to
My prom-fueled idealistic
Concept of soulmates
Really has no place
In a world where a small apartment
Is the best I'll ever get
But I fell in love with her
Not the taste of money
A split fast hard crash romance
Is not what I asked for

And if this is what love is like
I could get used to it
I wish I could call her in the morning
Or even better
Wake up next to her
I feel like she'll be the one
The first one I really talk to
About what he did to me
And what I did to him

So if this is what love's like
I don't mind
I'll spend my time with her
Laughing at the cars
That pass on the street
A ****** suburban sun dream
Sitting on a roof with her
Thrift shopping and walking
Hand in hand
Arms around each other in the end
So shameless
So carelessly together
Not afraid of who sees
I know it's what I want
Maybe it's what I need

I don't love you
But you still mean something
You mean pain
You mean lying awake
Trying to erase all those moments
The longest five hours of my life
And you caused them

You don't own me
But I'm your midnight memory
I bet I'm sacred to you
A pale body in the moonlight
Naked for you
I am nothing to you

And I don't want you
You are my snow spill bloodshed
You're the pill under my tongue
Dissolving, making me numb
I don't love you
It will always be that way

I'm devastated
That you were just an excuse
I was used
As were you

I always knew you were never real
We were just two girls, playing pretend
Sending loveless souls
Across the code
But I loved you
In some perverted way, I loved you

You ****** me up
And by that I mean
I ****** me up
You were my image
My northern star
When you were gone
I was willfully lost
Decided it was time
To destroy it all

We played our game
For far too long
Letting go was a relief
An excuse to be
The ****** up kid
I'd always dreamed of
Back when my dreams weren't nightmares
And my nightmare wasn't my reality

It wouldn't be fair to say you broke me
You didn't
You chose me
Just as I chose you
My perfect self destruction
And like him later on
We were a force together
We tore holes together
We were the people
You don't write home about together

In the end
We were just kids
I can't say I regret this
I don't know what to say
Except that I meant it

I'm still learning
Learning to be loved
Learning to be beautiful
Learning to watch the blood
Dripping from my ceiling
And recognize it
As just a dream
Learning to be kind
Learning to be pure
Learning to shower three times a week
Learning that I
Am a creature of the night
Learning that the moon is beautiful
And darkness is my friend
Learning how to sleep
And learning how to dream
Learning that dreams
Are the only way we truly see

I'm in a romantic mood tonight
Strangely soft and sappy
Or maybe I'm just
With the people I love
Talking and laughing and listening and growing
All tangled up
But no longer
A puppet of my emotions

I am okay now
I am clean
Wrists gleaming
When I walk outside
Draped in fairy lights

Prose
A waterfall
Black and tarry
Flavoured waves of licorice
Lapping like kittens
Against the shore
Her garden is not one of Eden
But one of thorns
Dark and bruising scrub land
An ink stain against the sky
Filthy with life
A broaching scuffle
In richly opulent underbrush
A white and twisted creature
Seeping with magick

I never knew he would break me
I never knew he would make me want to change me
To shift every aspect
Just to be someone else
So he could never love me
And it sickens me
To know that this is the place where he kissed me
That I'm in the body that he touched
He claimed to love
Wanted to become one with me
He can have me
Because I don't want me

Sexuality is beautiful
It's the blossom of life
Painted deep beneath the trees
Stretching down past
The roots of our ancestors
But it's not in me
Not in my mind, at least
It's embedded in my bones
I breathe it and I sleep with it
But it does not haunt my dreams
Even when I'm touched
My mind remains wholly detached
Lost in my thoughts
Safe and locked inside my skull

I don't know how to be
Anything but broken anymore
Left crushed and lifeless
I built myself back up
Into another fragile shell
Anything could tear me apart
I'm barely living
On the fringes of existence
Never truly taking part
Maybe I can't fall in love
But I can always count on
Falling apart

It didn't snow this year
I'm not sad
Just a little numb
And a trifle stunned
The hours pass too swiftly
Pounding past me
On elephant's feet
And it's a shame
That he's spending this evening alone
It's a shame that she
Still thinks we're in love
It's a shame that they
Are drinking with friends
Instead of going to bed
Like they should be

I'm just a mistake
Don't belong to anyone
Broken
Misspoken
I wasn't supposed to be born at all
Writing this in the gym
Where I thought about slitting my wrists
It takes a while to realize
That while everything else changed
I did not
I'm the same thing
That wasn't supposed to survive

I can feel their eyes on me
But I don't see them anymore
I don't see anything
Space out frequently
I won't remember this in the morning
There's no point of living, I think
But it doesn't matter what I think

It's cold outside
And it smells like the sea
What if this what it
I died in a car crash
Rose up into the air
Swept away
By the salt in the breeze
I'd never be sad
But I'd never be happy

Will you be my shelter
Will you hold me
During the scariest parts
Of these bad horror movies
Will you let me cry into your chest
Soaking your tee shirt
Staining it with sorrow
Leaving you with a permanent reminder of me
Will you laugh at me
When I do stupid things
Will you let me hug you
Until I feel less numb
Until my mind can feel again
And I start crying again
As the cycle begins

I don't have much to give
But I won't leave you
As long as you hold me
Love you I will

I want to be in your arms
You are warmth and safety
To bury my face in your neck
Breathe in your scent
Is heaven for me
It's a blissful kind of misery
But I'm safe with you
I know what to expect

I need to be with you
Press my lips against your cheek
Your nose, your eyelids
Curl up inside you
Let your arms engulf me
I want to fall asleep on your chest
Drift through dreams of you and me
Live alone in your oasis

Someday, I won't remember this
Sitting in a bedroom
With only the Christmas lights on
On a half-baked winter solstice
In week old sweatpants
Faded hair and muscles sore
My vision blurring
Pixelating
Focused only on the screen
I won't remember this
No one will

What if I showed you all the poems I wrote
Would you taste the asphalt
I felt
As I sat and scribed
Would you see the graffiti
The street signs, city life
Would it mean anything

This has been a rough few week
Hah, more like months
Why are we dancing like this
Spinning 'round in circles
Never touching, never leaving
I can't be the only one who's tired of this

But can you imagine a life
Where we finally meet
Touch in the middle
Fall in love
I know that isn't me
But it could be

In a world where I'm strong
Where I can make you laugh
Sit in the back
Smiling and flash peace signs
Laughing in the halls
Would you still walk me to class
Hold my hand if I asked
I can imagine you when you drive
Screeching and dramatic
Blasting Boy Division and
Eyes glued to the road

We don't talk about serious things
In normal places
Words slip out into
Normal conversations
Bleeding from the edges
Are we closer now
Or further away

I have a lot of questions for you
That I'll never ask
Like if I'm good enough
If you could ever even love me
Why you asked about my boyfriend
And decided to confide
In the middle
Of a highschool cafeteria
It's not that I mind
I just want to ask why

Tomorrow, I won't see you
Will we still talk
Or will a silence fall
Like the snow that won't come
And deafen us forever
Will I sit with you again
Laugh with all your friends
You seemed happy enough
Was that what you wanted all along
Do you do what I do

Can you ever fall asleep
On a cloudy afternoon
Would you wake up
If I asked you to
If the sun was rising
From behind the clouds
If the blinds weren't down
Would you let me
Hold your hamster
And what was with those eyes
When I said the only thing I want
Is someone to sing
The other half
Of Promiscuous with me
Were you thinking about it
When you asked me to put you on my shoulders
At the MCR concert
What did you mean
When you said we'd go to a break room
For your birthday party
Who else would be there
I can't imagine
It'd just be me

And if we do meet
What does that mean
Can I pet your hair
Pick you up and run
While you struggle and giggle
And not quite scream
What did you mean
When you said your best friend was emo
Did you mean me
You were looking at me
Am I the closest thing you have
To a friend at this point
What happened last year
I can see you flunking
But not without reason
Who are you
Beneath all of your clothes
What made you this way
Who shaped you
Into the being
You are today

Can we lift sometime
Go to a shop
I can body block
Or maybe just hit the road
Complain about my family's
Unspiced plain taco meat
It's not my fault
They are like that
You know that too
I like that

Would you listen to a song
If I sent it to you
And I know that there's
A reason you left the friend group
Are you worth giving up
Everybody else
Something in me screams
That you just might be
And what if we do
What if we end up
In rural New Jersey
Driving up for the weekends
Or down to your apartment
To stay up and sleep in
Would you lay next to me
Stay up with me
Read and talk and ***** to me
Would you be everything I need

I couldn't be yours forever
I wouldn't be yours at all
And I can see you
With that stupid, self satisfied half smile
Hands on your hips
Androgynous
Content to let me
Be my own person
Yeah, I can see that
I can feel the rise and fall of your chest
Maybe we'll roadtrip
With your old friends who smoke ****
They could drive
Stay up all night
You'd fall asleep on me in the backseat
No stops in town
Just gas stations
And fields of grey grasses
Your friend would download
Really bad movies
Play them on an iPad
Propped up on the dashboard
Feet up, head back
Singing that life's just like that
We could pull over
To the side of the road
Get out, stretch our weary limbs
I can see you squatting down
Picking up rocks and stones
I wouldn't kiss you then
Maybe wouldn't ever
But I'd watch your back
Would you watch me back
Would you watch me too

Would you look in my eyes
And see something other
Than the standard grey blue
Would you find religion
In my hands and fingers
I hope you wouldn't
I don't want you to
Would you appraise my body
As just another creature
A vessel for my soul
And would you care
Would you stand with me
When it mattered
Or would you walk away

Would things be the same
As they were at the start
Shaking hands
Sitting on the floor, reading books
Swinging at the park
Maybe I know you now
What you're doing
Walking past me
Never looking back at me
You want me to follow you
Through highs and lows
Thick and thin
And I can't chase you forever
I don't even want to

But you saw something in me
You answered me
You remembered
National Emo Day
You asked me to play drums
While you played bass
You asked me what I thought
About your hair
You showed me your dogs
Texted me about bands
And I think you meant it
When you shook my hand
Greeted me
Asked to meet with me
Didn't ignore me
On the first day back
Even when you saw your friends
You sat outside in the cold
Rejected the good table
And put up with me
Even when my jokes didn't land
And I stepped on your toes
Crossed your lines
Wasted your time

So do you sleep in the light
Do you think there's a heaven
After this life
What happened with your parents
Where do you want to go
Have you ever loved someone
Do I really want to know
Who was that one ex
The one even skinnier than me
Will you laugh while I cry
Or will you look away from me
Are your scared of being broken
Or far past ready to break
Do you want to fall in love right now
Or will I have to wait

I'm laying down
Head on my pillow
Wondering you're doing the same
Knowing you, probably not
I can close my eyes and picture you
Easier than I would like
Sitting in bed
Watching tv and
Eating lukewarm ramen
I shouldn't miss you like this
We never had anything
Yet I still hold out hope
That we can change that

It's a sad thing
When January 15th means more to me
Than my own birthday
I guess I'll celebrate
Anyways

Happy birthday

It's icy cold
Out here in the snow
But I don't mind
I'll bury myself
Before I go back to you

It's not that I don't want to
I do
I want to smother myself
In the warmth of this idea
That I carefully made
And assigned to your face
But I won't

Maybe I'm derelict
And you're lost too
But I don't want you
I know my edging
Is pretty
And the frosted glass
Glimmers when it's dark
But I'm empty
You won't find anything in here
Nothing for you
At least

I hope you're happy
I don't mean that
In a bitter way
I want you to be happy
I hope she gives you
Everything that I couldn't
I hope she looks past your flaws
Moves past the place where I stopped
I hope you're happy
I hope you're happy

I feel like a failure
Because I don't know what to do
Some stories are self deprecating
Most of them, actually
So will you laugh
Or am I just embarrassing

Is my stupid hair
A sign of independence
Or just something else
That makes me different
Am I everything you want
Or everything you dread

Am I a trainwreck
Already in full force
Careening off the tracks
Surrounded by bystanders
I guess it'd be funny
If I wasn't me

I'm okay with being the mess
Playing the disaster
I'm outside of myself
So it doesn't matter
If I play the fool
I'm laughing too

Don't look for me
I won't be there
I'll be in the leaves
Of some foreign land
Swimming in the grass and
Drinking up the sunlight

Don't look for me
Or dig up my grave
There will be no body
Just olden bones
I don't live there anymore

Don't look for me
Underground
I'm in the sky now
Sitting in the trees
Doing things

Don't look for me
Anywhere on earth
Don't even search the stars
Truth be told
I never got that far

Don't look for me
I'm too tired to be found

Don't look for me
I've already drowned

Have you ever found yourself
In a burning room
Walls marbled by the heat
Eyes stinging
Lungs shrivelling
Full of a fear
You never thought you’d know
And will you move
Crash out a window
Down onto
The dewy grass
Surrounded by shards
Of broken glass
Staring at the sky
With overcast eyes
As the sirens draw nearer
Until the police come
Or will you stay
Will they be too late
As flames lick up your skin
Will they find a body
The body you left behind
When you looked at all your choices
And decided to die

She could’ve died
Slipped away
Under the surface
While the world sat by

She could’ve died
In a trance
Hypnotized
By the choice she made
A bottle of pills
Sweating in her palm
They say death
Hurts like hell
But I think it’s more like fire

She could’ve died
Just like I did
Buried alone
In a hospital room
IV’s and screaming
Until she couldn’t breathe
They say death
Steals people away
But are you a thief
If I want to be taken

I think I'm lucky
Sometimes
Not that I am a woman
But that I can pass as a man
I'm tall enough
Curveless enough
With a flattened chest
And short gelled hair
I'm the closest thing to safe
In the streets
As a woman can be

I wish I could say the same for my friends

Mix lavender in
With my ashes
So the ghosts can't take me away
I know it's cold
And you want to go home
But I really wish you would stay

What if I
Was just a girl
An innocent thing
Golden hair
In streaming ringlets
Everything that you think
When you think of that girl
That perfect girl
So quiet and demure
Yet so full of life
Why
If I was just a girl
I think I'd go
Away
To
Die

I wish to live
Deep below the sea
I'll spend my day
Wandering and search
Exploring different
Water ways
Stopping often
To watch the Drowned
Never speaking
Just existing
Never to be found

I won't show my face
To the light of day
Only surface at night
To let the moon
Bathe my skin
Then dip back under
Legs pumped
Hands thrusting
Swimming on

I'll dance around the coral
Followed by dolphins
Switching in and out
Never alone
Yet never too close
No houses
No belongings
Just ocean
And swimming
Legs pumping
Hands thrusting
Never to be found

I miss the thought
Of having someone by my side
At least with him
I could hold a fantasy close
A world in which we loved truly
Unconditionally
Without physical limits

Now there is only cold
And the linger scent
Of sweat
Staining my bed
I want a friend
To come and help me
Rinse it all away
Not to fix me
Or make me whole
But to help me find myself
To love myself
While they fall in love
With them

Streaked by rain
Hair matted down
To their face
Watching from my window
Up on their toes
Glass pressed to nose
Loving me
In a way that only
A night watcher could

Fingers searching
Probing
At any other point
This would be endearing
But these fingers seek destruction

Every flaw
Every bump and crevice
Is torn away
I wish I could mold myself
Into someone else
But I can't
So I'll tear myself apart instead