tw just like in general


Suffer as myself
Or take the drugs and feel relief?
Either way I’m still not okay
I still want to watch
Blood drip down my wrist
I still am unwanted
I still am a monster
I still am a disaster
I still want to die.

But yeah... I guess a pill or two can’t **** me up much more

I just wanted to be free
I don’t want to be tied to a pill every day
Several pills that is...
I want to know my feelings are my own
I want to react naturally to life
I want to drink without interactions
I want to feel desire
I want to feel lust
I want to feel human
I don’t want to be sick
I don’t want to have an eating disorder
I don’t want to have OCD
I don’t want to have depression
I don’t want to have anxiety
I don’t want to have panic
I don’t want to have mania
I don’t want to have bipolar disorder
Or whatever the **** they think is wrong with me this week
Honestly at this point
I just kinda want to throw out the pills
Have a bottle or two of wine
And see what happens

**** this
Alone
Again.
Not drunk enough
Til the room spins.
I’m tired
I’m lonely
If you’re nice maybe I’ll just kiss you again...
****

I feel like running
I want to hide
To slip deeper into darkness
Dwell in the night
I want to throw these burdens
Off my weak shoulders
The heaviest of which
Is how much you care
It’s keeping me here
Teetering on the fulcrum
Between recovery and relapse
And I guess we’ll see
Which way the burdens
Force me to lean

Some part of me
Is screaming
Crying
Writhing
It’s sick
It’s dying
But I have to...
I have to keep going
I have to function.

But really...
Really all it wants
Is to cry in the darkness
Bleeding
Dying

But I have to function.

When you learn
To scream
At the pain
At the anxiety
At the depression
At everything that broke you
When you can be angry at it all
It turns into passion
And it feels exquisite
Because finally
When all you’ve felt
Is sadness
Is stress
Is numbness
You start feeling
Strong
Courageous
Powerful
Because you can focus
Everything in you
Into a passionate fury
Directed at the darkness

I’m starting to see it
My future unfolding in front of me
It’s not what they wanted
But it’s exactly what I expected
I’ll be a little broken
I’ll ***** myself over
I’m done being “perfect”
Or whatever the **** that was
Cause I’m a wreck
I was raised poorly
And I’ve lost my desire
To do any better for myself

Another empty pill bottle
Another gargoyle to throw away
If I set it on my nightstand
It keeps the demons at bay

I won’t say it again.
I do not belong to you.
I am not your plaything.
You do not get to play games with me.
I am finished with you.
Your lies.
Your deceit.
Your abuse.
I will not answer when you call for me.
You made me feel like nothing.
But that is so far from true.
I have been given a value greater
Than you could ever dream.
I am done
With you.

I want you out of my mind
I finally am free of you in my life
But you reappear like a ghost haunting my thoughts
A fleeting thought during the day
A moment I would’ve wanted to share with you
A lonely night I touch myself and hate that I think of you
I hate that I miss you
I hate that I loved you
Or whatever I thought was love
You were so wrong for me
You were so damaging to me
But my heart remembers you
And I know I swore I’d never forget you
But all I want now is to forget

You called me "gifted"
You forced an identity on me
If I wasn't smart, who was I?
I knew I would let you down
You taught me to box myself in
So I could take over when you left
And now here I am
No better than anyone else
Utterly lost and confused
I don't know who the hell I am
Because everything that made me
What you told me I was
I had to abandon
Because it was killing me
All those "gifts" that now I see
Were the result of nothing more
Than my ******* anxiety

tw suicide



it wouldn't be much of a loss
i'm not pretty
i'm not smart anymore
i'm not kind anymore
i'm not loved
i'm not known
my parents would cry...
my sister would cry...
but would their lives change?
would a loved one truly be lost?
if only i could just disappear...
i don't want to ******* be here
this ******* place...
these people...
you'd all be glad if i was gone

Look at her
Look into her eyes
Where has the light gone?
Her life has been drained
There’s only emptiness now
Her vibrancy gone
The blue in her eyes
It’s turned to ice
Her soft, tender heart
Has quit beating
Leaving an eerie silence behind
There’s nothing left of her
Of who she was
Or of who she is
Because there’s just... just nothing
Her presence, her soul
Gone void
A vacuum
And she’s left utterly empty
She’s gone.

I’m a good kid
Never slacked off
Never talked back
Never cursed
Never drank
Never did drugs
Never partied
Never ever disobeyed
I was always so kind
Full of a powerful empathy
But then life happened
Everything started to crash down around me
A fiery rage was kindled in my gut
There’s so much anger
I don’t know where to put it
And I can’t lash out
So I push it in
So deep within...
And that’s why I’m like this
That’s why I push my tolerance
For stress
Until I panic
For pain
Until I see spots
For caffeine
Until my heart races and my hands shake
For sadness
Until I can’t contain my grief
I don’t hate myself
I’m just so angry
And have no where else to put it

It’s here
While I sit
Broken and empty
Hating myself
For these messes I’ve made
That you remind me
How powerful
Your grace is
And how desperately
I really do need it

I always turn this hate to myself
Because it’s easier I suppose
To just believe I’m ****
Than to face the possibility
That I’m suffering
That I’ve been damaged
By the ones I thought loved me

It’s so ******* hard to fight
The programming in your mind
When you’ve been raised
Playing games for love
Never knowing acceptance
Being stripped of privacy
Your mother telling you
Your tears are an embarrassment
Ridiculing your emotions

So instead
You hide
You learn to sob in silence
You learn to hate yourself
Because it couldn’t be them...
They couldn’t hurt you
They love you

... right?

The evening wears on
And it starts to wear off
Fog lifting lightly
My thoughts wandering
Into somewhere darker
Something deeper
But soon I’ll be in bed
And I’ll take it again
So when I wake
I don’t go mad

I was happy with you
For the first time in years
I felt truly happy
I felt accepted as myself
I felt cared for
And you went and ****** it up
******* me over
And stole that happiness from me

I'm happy for you
Really, I mean it
There's nothing that I need more
Than to know you're doing alright

But I just... I can't help it...

Within the privacy of my own mind
I remind myself
That I will never have that kind of happiness
I will never get to live like that
And I want it so badly
I can't take it away from you
By letting you in on what I'm feeling

I don’t know which I hate more
Myself
Or the world at large
But I feel the rage
Swirling, boiling
In my chest
In my veins
And when I’ve directed at myself
All I can take
It bleeds out to the world
My disease
Spreading

I've made myself a mess
I pretend to be a victim
While I throw myself
Into the heart of disaster

I swallow poison
Then wonder why I stumble
I cloud my mind with noise
Then scream out in confusion

I tell myself it's their fault
They caused me all this pain
While wallowing in my pity
Opening up old wounds
So I can convince myself
I'll never heal

There's nothing good left
So twisted, plagued by myself
Except the one spot
The place I've left untouched
In all my self-destruction
Where you reside within
My solitary hope, my haven
The only reason I keep breathing

Is it exercise
If I do it while eating
A chocolate pop-****?

I could do it.

I have no concern for myself anymore
The only thing that keeps my heart beating
Is knowing that if it stopped
It would break yours

How many milligrams
Should I take
To treat a heartbreak?

tw self harm



My skin is decorated in scars
Adorned with marks
Of battles lost
Nights surrendered
To the blade

Each night they come to me
The thoughts
Temptations
Don’t you wanna see it again??
Don’t you wanna watch yourself bleed?
And I just...
I trace the scars along my wrist
Along my thigh
And remember the weight
Each and every line a burden
Something I have to carry
And if I have any fight left in me
I won’t make it heavier
For myself to carry tomorrow

Everything
Is
Broken
Help
Is
Broken
I
Am
Broken

I just want to be happy
Somehow I know it’s a futile pursuit
So maybe I should just stop trying
But I have this image in my head
A version of myself I want to become
I’m not sure I’ll find her
But I believe she is my identity
She knows the peace of oneness
Wholeness of mind, body, and soul

She’s comfortable in her body
She doesn’t try to hide
Her outfits make her smile
And when she looks in the mirror
She knows precisely who she sees

She has people around her
People who love her
She trusts each one of them
They’re a part of her
And she’s a part of them

She’s restored her relationship with the Almighty
She has confidence in her faith
And knows what she believes
Worship is natural and easy
Her spirit feels at rest

She’s lost her craving for acknowledgment
She knows what she’s worth
Her identity lives within her
Rather than in her praise
She’s no longer tormented by insecurity

She is capable.
She is powerful.
She is beautiful.

And maybe someday

She will be me.

I see You here
While I am hurting
While I am growing
While I am learning
I find You here

I saw you in the trees
Growing tall and elegant
I saw you in the mountains
Majestic and powerful
Creation testifying

You reminded me
That I do not walk through
All this darkness
Alone
Helpless

Rather
You walk beside me
In me
Around me
Covering me

You are my protector
You are my safety
You are my solace
You are my value
You are here

This isn’t right
I shouldn’t have to be ashamed of things I like
I shouldn’t have to hide my interests
I was excited, finally
Then you shot me down
Because no one cares enough
To not instantly judge
To not wildly accuse
They just want to hate and hate and hate
Even if it’s me.
Even if they’re family.

Maybe I can write myself high
Convince my mind to detach
To float off into another world
Where breath isn't followed by regret
With persuasive, sensual words
Searching for the right combination
My entire body relaxes
A grin grows on my lips
My eyes wander lazily
As I savor the rush
My mind empties
Breath slow and even
Hazy surroundings whirl
The ground bends under my feet
I laugh loudly
As my knees buckle and I stagger
For a while, nothing matters
If only I had the right words...

I don’t want to go home
It’s... it’s supposed to be safe there!
I should want to see my family
Well. I don’t.
They’ve hurt me
They’ve used me
They’ve twisted me
Over and over and over again
So I don’t want to go home
It’s too good here
I’m too free
I’m actually happy
I actually have a will to live
So naturally
This must cease.

This entire house feels unstable
My life is shaking
As are my hands
Nothing is certain
Nothing is safe
Why... why doesn’t home ever feel safe?

It crept up on me
The darkness
Hit hard when it arrived
So it’s honesty hour.

I’m really unhappy.
I smile so they don’t know.
Nothing’s really wrong
But I’m haunted by unresolved pain
I just want to hurt.

But I also want to run.
I’m so **** tired of this
Of being good
Day after day
Putting in all this effort
I don’t get a break

I want a vice.
I want to pump my body with something
I really don’t care what
But I want to feel it everywhere
Light up all my senses
Or maybe something to sedate me
I don’t care.
I just can’t take this
Never had access to anything
And I’m a bit angry at that
But I’m pretty certain
I don’t want to be sober.

Maybe a pleasure would suffice
Defile myself
Remorse and bliss intertwined
Feel a rush
First dopamine
Next guilt and hatred

I would kinda like
To open my wrist up
I wish it didn’t matter
I wish no one would care
So I could just fall
Deep into darkness
Never to return
With no consequence

Let me twist myself
Into a tragedy

There is no hope here
Only pain will be found
Suffering is abundant
Every mere smile matched by
A devastating heartbreak
Sorrow surrounds us all
Taking up residence in our souls

There is no hope here
We are all dying
Screaming in agony
For all we’ve lost
For everything we’ve destroyed
Our world is irreparably broken
And it’s all our fault

There is no hope here
We court demons
Craving our own demise
All with a smile on our faces
Because life is good
Our day was fine
Everything is going well

There is no hope here
You won’t find it
Hope doesn’t come from this place
All we have to cling to
Are the promises of the One
Who does not reside here
Who reaches down to save us

There is no hope here
But, we were not left in this place
To writhe in the agony of life
We don’t have to
We choose to ignore and refuse
The only real hope we are offered
And instead return to the world.

How do people do it?
How do they stay alive?
There’s nothing there
There’s nothing here
It’s cold and it’s empty
It’s lonely here
I’m so... I’m so alone...
And it’s breaking me
Because I can’t see it
I can’t see myself being happy
I can’t see myself loving someone
I can’t see myself with a career
I can’t see myself smiling sincerely again
Because every **** thing inside me
It’s in agony
It hurts to see people laugh
It hurts to see them together
It hurts to see them motivated
It hurts to see them hope
It hurts to see them love
Because it’s such a deeply painful reminder
That I don’t have those things
And I don’t think I ever will
I see myself alone
Struggling
Medicated
And perpetually suffering

So I just... I just don’t get it...
How do people do it?
How do they stay alive?
How do they enjoy anything?
I don’t.... I don’t understand...

Feel depressed
Take time to myself
Get called lazy

Keep busy for them
Not doing enough

Stimulate my system
Now I’m reckless;
Stop
Energy plummets

Lazy again
Forget things...
Lots of things...
Why can’t you remember?
Am I not important to you??

They’re always angry
Never doing enough
Never helpful enough
They are all that matter

Wait.

What about me?

You’re lazy.
You’re not doing enough.
Get up and help.

I can’t.

Yes you can, c’mon.

I. Can’t.

Worthless.

And now

More depressed.

Are there people
Without voices in their heads?
Monsters tormenting and
Demons taunting them?
Because I’ve lived my entire life
Fighting for my sanity
My grip on reality
Desperately trying to hear my own voice
In all of the chaos
This is just how I am
It’s how I live
And it astounds me
That anyone could be different

So here's the thing............
I can't tell anything apart
How can I say my meds aren't working??
If maybe I'm just cold because of life...
I've got plenty of reasons
I cause myself so much grief

I'M STILL PICKING UP THE PIECES FROM LAST TIME

and I really broke last time...

So I DON'T KNOW

If I'm okay

It's probably all my fault....

                                but... that's what the depression used to say....

I just don't know how to BE ALIVE

and all the pills do is keep me breathing... or eating... I guess...

It’s amazing how
We break apart
We shatter into
A million bits
We hurt so much
But there’s something
So beautiful about it
A life full of smiles
Is not nearly as
Powerful as a
Life of smiling
Through pain
Heartbreak
Because that’s how
We grow and learn
To be stronger
Than we are now
There’s this continuity
Of emotions
And it is
Absolutely
Beautiful

I’d really ******* appreciate it
If someone
For once
Acted like
I am
*******
Human