I’d really ******* appreciate it
If someone
For once
Acted like
I am
*******
Human

I’m so ******* sick of all this *******
It’s exhausting
I’m tired of it!
I’m not your possession
I’m not your slave
Your subordinate
Your minion
Your tool
Your punching bag
Your therapy

I am an adult human being
I’m a person
I’m your ******* daughter

It's a fascinating experience indeed
To know you're unbalanced
To know there's something wrong
To be really very confident
and to have red flags waving
But people are easily fooled
So you enjoy your high
Knowing you should listen to your therapist
Knowing she's absolutely right to worry
Knowing you'll disregard every one of her warnings
Knowing you'll lie over and over again
Because you want to be free
From the ******* of the pills
You just have to know
If they're what's ****** you up

It occurs to me sometimes
That if I so desired
I could pack up and leave
Travel, wander, explore
And just start a new life
Leaving everything behind
And never look back
And maybe I'd miss it
Maybe I'd want to go back
But I could
And that's what is so
Fascinating

I don’t want to live
I don’t want to be alive
I don’t want to suffer this existence
I don’t want to watch everyone else turn out fine
I don’t want them to watch me wither and fall...

But here I am
Falling, fading, failing
Dying slowly
Day after day
As the hope I once had fails me
And all I see is darkness
Death is inviting
Oh, Merciful God, won’t you let me die?
This is cruel
To leave me like this
Damaged, wounded, suffering
AND YOU WONT EVEN ******* SAY WHY

God, you don’t hear me

Ugh, what raw pleasure I feel
To contradict my upbringing
To scream at what I’ve always believed in
No... I don’t quite mean it...
But I feel it
And I will say absolutely anything
If it gets me to feel


Mm... how exquisite...

It’s funny how quickly
You can swallow pills
I wondering how daring I could be
How many before I sleep
I can feel them in my limbs
The looseness off my arms
Weight of my eyelids...
But it’s not enough
I’m not numb enough yet
I’m still awake
Put me to sleep
I don’t wanna be awake
I DON’T WANT TO BE AWAKE

They kept me from my knife
Little white pills won over metal
Cause I can’t remember what was wrong
Idk why I was upset
But idk
Maybe I’ll just cut myself anyway
Just to ******* feel it
Maybe I just want to
Maybe I just want to bleed
Maybe I’ll just take one more....
Then watch me bleed

No... it can’t be
I’m not supposed to....
It’s been so long....
I thought I never would again
I thought I was too broken
But here I am
Could it possibly be...?
Just for today
Just for a while
Did I actually allow myself
To be


....happy...?

So many things to do
Make some food
Clean something
Laundry
Study for finals
But I don’t care
I really don’t

I think...
It’d be nice
If I figured out
How to care
About
My own
Well-being

You’ve had too much control
You’ve abused your privileges
Your role in my life
Your place in my heart

And now I don’t feel as much
It’s easier to ignore you
Your manipulation

I ought to feel for you
I really probably should
But you’re not kind
You don’t even attempt
To care for yourself
Why would you dream
You could care for me

You’re supposed to be an authority
But everything out of your mouth...
It’s poison
Toxic to my system
Making me weak
Delirious
Unhinged

I took your pain as my own
And you still would hurt me
I guess that says something about you...

So I stopped feeling for you
And you hate me for it
Because I don’t treat you as my queen
You don’t deserve it
You’re not that special
You’re just hurting
You’re insecure
But that’s not my problem
I can’t help you
You just hurt me
So I don’t feel for you

I don’t like it
The taste of split pills
Bitter and sickening
I don’t like it
The feeling in my stomach
When doses change
I don’t like it
Knowing I’ll feel better
Once I swallow
Like I’m invalidating myself
I don’t like all these pills
But I can’t part with them
And honestly
I’m just so ******* fed up
With dealing with myself

It’s not that I’m sad
It’s not that I’m angry
It’s not that I’m upset
I don’t mean to not care
I want to, really I do
I just don’t
I can feel myself wanting to care
But falling just short
So, I feel empty
So much of the time
I feel like I’ve flatlined
But no one knows
And I’m supposed to be
The positive one
The cheerful one
So I play my part
Like an actress in a play
And feel nothing
A walking corpse
But they tell me I’m alive

I don't remember much
Because when I do
The memories always
Bring me to my knees
If only I could block out
The present
Just wake me
When it's all over

I don’t want to be sober
I’d give anything to get out of my head

How is it
That just about anyone
Can get just about anything
Except me
I’d take anything
And I have nothing

Depression crawls into my head
I try to lie down
To quiet the chaos
It gets louder
Demanding to be noticed
My stomach turns
My head aches
My hand reaches for the blade....
I don’t want new scars
I do not want new scars
I DO NOT

Ya know... if I just keep dumping
More alcohol down my throat
I start to forget
I forget I don’t like living
I forget I don’t want to be alive
I forget everybody hates me
Because I’ve put so much poison into myself
I can’t even think

I don’t want to believe in hope
Because if there’s hope,
I have to change
I have to be better
I can’t stay where I am
Wallowing in my misery
Looking for reasons for rage
Desperately searching to ease
The pain from my faceless abusers
But I don’t want to be better
I like this hole I’ve dug
To lie down in and die
I’m not crying for help
I’m just crying
But for nothing more
Than the fact that I know
That I cannot stay here
Because I know
That there is hope

Have you ever
Fallen so in love
With something
So evil
So full of secrets
And lies
But it was exhilarating
Intoxicating
Breathtaking
So, you ignored the signs
The warnings
Everything you knew
Because you were in love
And it just felt so good
But you knew
It would be your end?

I just... I don’t want to be alone anymore
I just want to know for once in my life
What a man’s loving embrace feels like
I just want to know what it’s like
To press our lips together and kiss
I just want to know love is an option for me
I just want to know what it’s like...

I know.
I know that it won’t matter.
That no matter how much
Of my blood spills
How much of it I wipe away
No matter how much it hurts
Or how many scars I create
It won’t make me want to be alive.

My mind is ill
But my heart is good
Problem is
I never know which
Is in control

Please let me hurt
Let me grieve for myself
All of me I had to release
I know I'm supposed to smile
But I don't want to anymore
I need to cry
But I don't remember how
I need to hurt
Because it is after
I've mourned my losses
That I can move forward
That I can change
That I can improve
And when I'm finished
I'll be beautiful
So, please
Just let me feel this

Trigger warning: Self harm, cutting


i wanna savor the stinging sensation
the itchy pain on my left wrist
where my watch will return
to cover it all up

ah but the moment... the rush...
tempting the blade... tracing its paths...
then... without decision or thought
i'd made a mark
and once i'd started....
suddenly two... three... four red lines filled in

i lost count...

but i just wanna sit here
in the pleasure of the pain
and drink in the image
of the red on my left wrist

It’s been a while since I’ve cried
I’m realizing I don’t feel like I did
And I miss it
I miss feeling
I miss crying
I miss experiencing
If this is the price I’m paying to stay alive
I may need to find a better deal

I miss feeling
I used to feel

EVERYTHING

ALWAYS

And, sure
It was
D                              
                            e         ST                 r
                                                               ­ u c
                                                               ­    t
                                                               ­            I                        
                                       ­                                         V
                      ­                                                                 ­         e
But, ****...
I could     F     E     E     L

Always so high on           E m P At  H y


I'm not supposed to feel
                                              n. u. m. b.


I should say something...
But I.... I can't....
I can't go back
To my
                                                 H  E  L  L

So... I don't know...
Maybe this'll work
I can settle for this...
My three emotions:
                                                HIGH!!!­
empty
                                                          ­                                 &
                                                                ­                                l   o     w.....

At least until I'm finally told
It's time to taper off...

I hate this
I hate what’s happened
I hate what we’ve done
What I’ve done...
I don’t want you to just be some old memory
You’ve meant too much to me
I still feel the sharp pain of your absence
I feel the loss in my heart
The aching in my chest
I feel the guilt in my wrist
Ghost pains of lines that won’t fade
I feel the longing in my throat
As my eyes well with tears
Because you’re not here
And I just... I miss you...
I love you.

there's a cage
or a room
or... something....
can't seem to remember now
it's been so long
since there was light
enough to see by
all i know
is there is no escape
i will stay here
breaking
rotting
dying
i will sit in my sorrow
in this prison
begging
praying
for the mercy
of one
final
breath

You think I’m kind
Don’t you?
I’m really not
But I’ll set the record straight
I’ll show you the ugliness
I’ll treat you like I treat myself
You’ll get it
You’ll hate me too
Just like I want you to

I must be sick...
There’s hope
I have plans
Things are working out
I met someone

Yet

Depression fills me like a heavy fog
Passive suicidal ideations linger
I can’t eat
I’m drawn to cut

I just... I just don’t understand

The shadows whisper in my ears
The voices in the back of my mind
The ones I write down
Just to get them out
But once they're on the page
They can't hide from me
And I can cut them down
Make them bleed
I know they want me to surrender
Because we both know
I'm a threat to them
So, every breath I take
Is a victory anthem
Every beat of my heart
A drum cadence
It's the song of life
And as long as it plays
I'm winning.

I was dying
Losing my mind
Killing my body
And it lasted so long
I forgot how to be alive

I spent so much time
In that awful place
I made it my home
I hated it, but it was mine
Until I escaped

From a surge of bravery
I got out
And everything got
So much better
Way too quickly

But then it started to fade
The excitement wore away
I started to remember
What dying felt like
And I needed to mourn

So here I am
In this place in between
Not dying anymore
But not euphoric either
I am just here

I don't know how to mourn
When no one else can see
That I'm hurting
Because I'm not dying
I'm fine, but not quite

Haunted by memories
Of what I was
I wander through these days
Wishing I could escape
This place in between

There's a problem here
Something's wrong
My mind... it's so... broken
My heart needing... longing
Yet this body... this flesh screams of excess
Healthy and full, it would seem
How incongruent
I think... I think I'd like to fix it.
I'd like to see the marks on my limbs
Where you've lacerated my heart
Over and over again
And I have to return for more
I want my body to fail
Like my mind did
Like I want to
I want to go weak
I don't want any strength to be left
I want it to be clear
I require aide!
As long as I'm standing
Strong and smiling
I will never get what I need
I will never be noticed
You'll never notice!

However...
If I weakened myself
Starved... overworked...
Maybe even drugged
My mind and body
Faltering together
As one...
I'd take a step
And I'd stagger
Weak, frail
Body failing
Stumbling forward
Giving out
Breaking down

You'd notice
You'd see

I awake to an unreal calm in my chest
Blissful and gentle
Merciful
Nothing quite matters
I know it should
But I just don’t care
I inhale deeply, slowly
Savoring the feeling
Knowing it’s temporary
Knowing I’ll have to give it up
It’s not supposed to make me like this
I know I probably take too much
But the serenity
Of the morning
Is so irresistible

Give me something to indulge in
I’m tired of feeling grey
I want to feel truly, properly alive
Let me eat until I can’t stand it
Drink until I can’t stand at all
Pleasure me not by my own hand
Surround me in comfort
Delight me
Would someone please kiss me?
Just give me one good reason
Just something to hold on to

i need a drink
a shot
another
another
another.... a few more
i don't wanna think
i don't wanna remember
i don't wanna feel
i don't wanna be able to walk
i want to feel the poison in my veins
i want to forget it all
i want to feel okay
i want to be as unsteady as i feel
i want to stagger with my legs
as i already do in my mind
i want to require clear care
because apparently scars aren't enough
i just... i just want out
man... i need a drink
but i don't know how

Trigger warning: Self harm, cutting, substance abuse


the ceaseless agony
she endures and endures and endures....
until the burdens force her knees to give
everything weighs so heavily on her
and in her desperation
what else could a suffering mind do
but frantically seek refuge
earnestly pursuing escape....

the meds aren't enough
the pain cuts through them
so she wonders....
how many could she take?
two... three little white pills?
might it help?

she knows they'd notice the missing bottles
but she longs for a heavy intoxication
a dumb bliss
a few hours of happiness
let the pain melt away
replace it with stupor

so she considers lesser options
she could binge eat for mild pleasure
intertwined with heavy guilt
she could **** herself
oh right.... she can't because of the meds
nothing else offers her any feeling
she seeks emotionally charged art
music, poetry, shows
but it's not enough
it's never enough

so, in her desperation
when all else has failed
when the agony is unbearable
no solace in sight
she opens the drawer
in the safety of her room
uncaps her tool
sterilizes the edge
sets the metal to her skin
and drags it across
'til she drips red

Look at me
See me
What’s there in my eyes?
You see it don’t you?
Yes...
You sigh heavily
Your facing dropping
You’re sad... hurting
Because you see what’s there
In my eyes
We stand a distance apart
So you close the gap
Wrap your strength around my weakness
Your arms around my shoulders
You pull me close
Like you don’t wanna lose me
Like you’re afraid you might
Cradle my head against your chest
And let me stay for a while
Safe... warm... in your embrace
Hold me until I remember
You’d care if I was gone
Because what you saw there
Within the depths of my eyes
Was their blue fading grey
A dying flame
Hopelessness and sorrow
Thinly veiled misery
You knew something was wrong
You cared to look past the veil
And you knew....
You knew what emptiness lived within
And you hoped
That even for a moment
You could offer me peace

You truly hate her
Don’t you?
You wish she’d never been.
You can’t even look at her
The innocent child within
She was just a young girl
But you sit with her
And all you feel is pain
She doesn’t understand
She thought she was loved...
Why didn’t she feel loved...?

I look at you
And I hate you
You were weak
You were useless
You brought me here!
I know you didn’t understand
I know you were helpless
And I’m angry at you for it

And what do you do
When you face me,
Little girl?
You sit there
Throw your head in your hands
And sob
How pathetic.

I suppose I can’t accept
That the story in my head
Just might not be true
But what would that mean..?

I just want to escape
I want life to be better
I want to be loved
I’ve never been loved...

I’m dying
My light is flickering out
Faith wavering
I’m unsteady

And YOU all...
So caught up in yourselves
You’re blind to my suffering
I’M IN TREMENDOUS PAIN
You’ve all forgotten
But it never ended for me

My heart is weary
My head burdened
The only way to tell you
Is to make my body reflect
All the scars in my mind

You’ll see me fall
Notice just too late
To save that poor girl’s soul