Apathy
Has spread like venom
It’s reached my heart
And I don’t know if I’ll survive
I feel it in my veins
In the fog in my head
In the impulsive decisions
In the depths of cold suffering
That I don’t care
I don’t care about my self
I don’t care about anyone else
I can’t feel anything
And that’s not enough
To keep me alive

Slowly, sneakily
It starts creeping back in
Right around midnight
As the medication fades
As I prep my next dose
I feel my past
Hovering over my shoulders
Threatening to return
And just the thought
Fills me with so much fear
I rush to my little orange bottle
And wait for its serenity
To bring me peace again

I like to believe
My pride is rooted
In insecurity
Because somehow
That's better?
However some
Nagging notion
Makes me wonder if
My self-demeaning
My self-sabotaging
My self-harming
Is all simply to hide
From myself and
From the world
The arrogance
Consuming my mind

tw self harm



Perhaps I’m starting to understand
Tonight, I want desperately
To take the blade to my skin
But only to leave a mark
A reminder
Of what’s happened today

All will perish
Under the seething,
callous fright.
The insanity within.

A relentless force,
Though cunning and quiet.
A shadow lies
Awaiting its time

Seethe.
         Seethe.
                 Seethe.

Adrenaline
Excitement
A shiver of thrill.

Ignition
           Ignition
                     Ignition

An ember catches
And sets the world ablaze
But the shadows...
The shadows remain

Destruction
            Destruction
                        Destruction

Everything will fall
As the end draws ever close
None can hide
And none are spared

Wail my name in anguish,
cry out in desperate agony,
shriek through silenced mouths,
and I shall burn your spirit to cinders.

Why are you so sad, dear?
What burdens tug on your heart?
Draw tears from your kind eyes...
Why are you aching?
I can feel it in my soul

You’re not well, my love
Come here
I’ll hold you for a bit
Wrap you in a warm embrace
Feel the consistency of my heart
Feel the strength in my arms
Let me carry it all for a stretch
You don’t have to do it all alone

Though I know you can, my warrior

But I can't watch you do this
Destroy yourself
Slowly, subtly
I've noticed
And it makes me very afraid

Despite what you believe, darling
You are really quite lovely
Your presence a treasure

You are exquisite

Sweetheart, just rest for a bit
Can you do that for me?
Sit with me
Tell me everything on your mind
Release every tear you've been hiding
I'll just listen
I'll just be here with you
Until you're alright

Why are you so sad, dear?
What burdens tug on your heart?
Draw tears from your kind eyes...

STOP
NO!!!!

Why are you aching?
I can feel it in my soul

YOU KNOW NOTHING OF ME

You’re not well, my love

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME!!!!!

Come here
I’ll hold you for a bit

GET AWAY

Wrap you in a warm embrace
Feel the consistency of my heart
Feel the strength in my arms

I DON’T WANT YOUR AFFECTION
I DON’T DESERVE IT
YOU WRAP ME IN YOUR

HIDEOUS

PITY

Let me carry it all for a stretch
You don’t have to do it all alone

OF COURSE I DO
YOU KNOW I DO
I AALLWWAAYYSS DO

Though I know you can, my warrior

YOU IDIOT!

But I can't watch you do this
Destroy yourself

WHY THE HELL NOT???

Slowly, subtly
I've noticed

DEAR, I WANT THIS!
LET ME GO

And it makes me very afraid

STOP PRETENDING YOU CARE
I KNOW BETTER

Despite what you believe, darling
You are really quite lovely

YOU BREATHE LIES

Your presence a treasure

STOP. NOW.

You are exquisite

YOU ******* LIAR

Sweetheart, just rest for a bit
Can you do that for me?

NO. I DON’T WANT REST

I WANT TO

BURN!!!

Sit with me
Tell me everything on your mind
Release every tear you've been hiding
I'll just listen
I'll just be here with you
Until you're alright

YOU FOOL
I HAVE NO PLANS
TO EVER REACH
“ALRIGHT”

A suicidal mind
Can only see death
Can only feel pain
It’s blind to hope
Numb to happiness
Like the good has turned grey
And soon it’s lost in the dark

Pain can bring comfort
Distraction
Relief
So sometimes they bleed
Or otherwise destroy themselves

Health seems futile
Why would one want to prolong this?
Why would you want to stay longer?
Why eat? Why drink? Why bathe?
Breathing is annoying
Heartbeats are infuriating

I think... I think at some point
I had wanted a future
But now... now I just want out
I just have to get out

I'm so attracted to the broken
The struggle, the sorrow
The empathy in me swirls and swells
Reading poems to sadden my soul
Forcing tears to my eyes
Reminding me how to cry
Reminding me it's okay to hurt
Everyone else is hurting too
No one is as happy as they appear
So I suppose, it's really the strength
To be honest about how broken one is
That I find staggeringly attractive

I think my mind is in pain
But it can’t quite tell my body
My thoughts hurt
They twist and writhe
And only through the seductive darkness
Of my tormented mind
I am made aware
That I’m not quite alright

You see,
I know I must be something truly awful
Because I’m not sorry for what I did
I’m sorry I got caught
And that’s how I’ve always been

It’s getting bad again
I know because I’m enjoying it
When the darkness is exciting
Bad decisions are thrilling
Mistakes are cheap
Cause the value of my life
Is rapidly decreasing

Apparently it’s pretty bad
They keep prescribing me meds
I don’t want to be reliant...
But I don’t want to be suicidal...

Some days...
Some days it’s just so bad...
My skin feels like fire
I want to tear it off
Everything aches
And everything
Is a trigger

tw self harm


Ha... I’m bleeding
Once again
I can’t even feel it
Should it hurt?
Have I gone numb?

Ah... there we go...
A bit of sting....
And the red....
All that red....
I just.... I wanna open it
I want it open.... flowing
I want the blood out of me
I want it out!!

I’m tired
I’m empty
I’m alone
I’m longing
I’m cold
I’m sick
I’m suffering
I’m suicidal tonight

Why are my burdens so heavy?
I packed my bags light
But so many people thought
I needed this or that
And they threw in more
And some of their own, but
Life itself is mostly responsible,
I suppose,
For, most of my bags
Are nothing more than
Consequences of
Situation
Bad luck

tw self harm



I want to take the blade to my wrist again
I’ve been... I’ve been doing so well...
But something in my heart
In my stomach, in my chest
Something in my mind isn’t right
I really need someone to take care of me
So... I guess this is it...
Taking the blade to my wrist again
Just so I can bandage it
Because I know
No one else will

If you all would just leave me alone
Just give me the bottles
You know you won’t drink them anyway
Let me lock myself away
To be drunk and maybe suffer a little less
I’ll promise not to die
I just.... I just really need to not be sober right now

I wondered what you'd hear
If you strayed into my soul...
You would hear screaming
Passionate, anguished, fiery
You would hear my
BATTLE CRY
Because there's so much life
So much humanity
In the act of fighting
Against the cold, the death
Even on my darkest nights
All you would see is my spirit on fire
And you would hear my
BATTLE CRY

On the ****** battlefield she stands
She can’t feel her wounds anymore
Pain so intolerable she’s gone numb
Her shield shattered
Sword too heavy for her fatigued limbs

To take a step forward
She musters all her strength
Then falls to her knees
The shield slides from her arm

Her hand can no longer grasp the sword
And allows the blade to fall beside her
Where she lies
Weak, helpless

Her strength fails her
And weaker and weaker
Her heartbeat grows
Waiting to stop
Eagerly anticipating
That one last breath

Everything
Inside me
Is fighting a
War
For my
Soul, mind, and body
There are so many battles
I can't keep track
Anymore
I just try my best
To shut out the sound
Of bullets and
Clashing swords

It’s a new day outside
I feel it within
Thick darkness fading slightly
Turning a bit more grey
From the gentle touch of light
I’m fighting
I can feel it

I don't want to think straight
Because all that's ever gotten me
Is the coldness of reality
Existential aching
Loneliness and grief
But I've been crazy too
Fed lies by my brain
Paranoid beyond function
Paralyzed by indecision
Why can't life
Why can't my mind
Why can't people
Ever just be gentle?

Ahh see here’s the problem

The darkness is very unclear

I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT

I’m tired of fighting...

Ready for a period of weakness

But that’s your cruelty.

You exhaust me when I have no means of rest

No escape.

I’m ready to give in to you

I’m ready to surrender...

But you won’t let me

Make me beg for a vice

But withhold them all

Just take your **** victory

And get the hell out of my head

Come here, Beloved Daughter

I can see the tears you're fighting back
Remember? I was there with you
I held you as you silently wept
In the darkness all alone
Those nights when you couldn't see an end
To the misery
There was no way out
It had gone on so long
That you weren't sure
If you wanted to be alive anymore

I was there

You cried yourself to sleep in my arms
And I know it hurts to remember
But it's how you're going to heal
You don't have to force smiles
Especially not with me

Because I was there, Beloved

The night you wanted to come home

Have I been broken too long?
How do you recover
When every part of your being
Is tormented
Is confused
Is lost
I don’t know who I am
I don’t know how to be alive
I don’t even feel alive
And in all this chaos in my head
The only thing I actually know I want
Is to sink so low
You’ll never fix me.

I want to fall beyond repair

Can’t feel anything
They drug me so I don’t cut
So I don’t **** myself
Won’t let me drink
Can’t get high
Can’t even **** myself
So instead
I ate... and ate...
Til my stomach hurt
Forcing it down
Feel the carbs increase my heart rate
Tiny bursts of mild pleasure
Turning into gluttonous lethargy
I guess I felt something

I hate love
I know I’m bitter
I’m alone
What do you expect?

I want to write a love song
A beautiful ode to someone
Who cares for me so deeply
Someone I could give my heart
Someone I'd give the power
To break it
But I can't
Because I don't know how
I've never felt it before
I've never been held by a man
I've never been chosen
I'm not the one people choose
But I'd love to be
And until then
Love will sicken me

I lost myself the other night
I didn’t think it would happen...
I didn’t think I’d have to choose so soon
But I had the chance
Finally an opportunity
And I gave in
Because I wanted it.
My mind was made up years ago
I’d decided to finish the bottle
Long before I started it
So I forced it down
More and more...
Feeling ill
Giddy
Relaxed
Finally something nice...
And when I’d already gone a bit too far
I went a little further
The gently swaying hotel room
Began to spin violently
And honestly....
I can’t remember much of the rest
I blacked out
I knew I would
I’d decided long ago.

And though my stomach protested
I just kept going...
You begged me to eat
Insisted I slow down
Drink some water
I listened a little
But I was determined.
You had to hide the rest
Because you knew I’d try and drink it.
My first time truly free
And I was out of control
I’ve wanted it for so long....
And to my dismay
It was everything I’d hoped for

I want to bleed black
To be coated in ink
I want the darkness to show through
To pour out from my veins
For everyone to see

You’ll all know what’s really in me
You’ll see what it is I’m made of
What it is I’ve become
A creature of shadow
And I can’t even remember
When last I knew the light

tw: self harm


Instant
Powerful
Relief
To just
Stop
Fighting
And drag
The blade
Across
The
Wrist

trigger warning: idk blood


i must be losing my mind

sitting here staring at the blood on my wrist
man... it's all over my wrist....
i could do more... but i ought to stop

but here i am...
just looking at it...
laughing...

i've found myself
in some delirious place
where the pain... it's funny
'cause there's so much
it's so ******* bad...
all i can do
is laugh
and bleed
and cry

I can breathe again
My mind is calm
My thoughts collected
Maybe I’ve finally
Bled out enough darkness
In these words
That I can be free
For a while

I don't know what it would do to me
I don't know if it would help
I don't know how it would make me feel
I don't know if it would ease the pain
But there's a chance it might
Even for just a little while
And that's why I'm blindly craving
The contents of that bottle

HahahahHa I’m finally drunk
Like really really drunk
And I don’t wanna sleep
Cause I feel really really nice
And as soon as I sleep
I give it all up
I’m not ready for that
I’ve only had a few hours of this bliss

Bluetooth: Connected
Volume: LOUD
Genre: Rock
Press Play.

Passion, anger, rage, yearning
All of which I thought were wrong
Now within my mind they're swirling
The simple cause being only a song

What I hide in my depths
Somehow they share
Artists who feel my breaths
Who sing what I cannot bear

It's like they've plugged into my brain
Providing comfort, understanding
A release valve for my tank of pain
And my adrenaline commanding

Others call it stressful noise
They don't feel it like I do
All I hear is a familiar voice
Which it my soul breaks through

There’s a little bliss in this bottle
It’s hiding near the bottom
If I just... if I just keep drinking
Maybe I can find it...

There’s always blood on my hands
And it always belongs
To me.

trigger warning: self harm, cutting


unsheathed my blade
and held it to the light
and there, along the edge
a line of red
dried on
from night after night
of being used
over and over and over
in a desperate, futile attempt
to feel something
to control something
to see the damage
to see the pain
to attain release

and as i clean my blade
i'll wipe away the bit of me it took
to make myself bleed
so many times....
all over...
and then
i'll put it away
and move to wipe
my blood-soaked wrist