tw self harm


I really thought maybe I could hold out
But I wanted it so ******* bad
I wanted it to look gross
I wanted strips of red covering my wrist
Wanted thick, garnet droplets
Stinging all over my forearm

I wanted to do damage
To see damage
To look hurt
To feel pain
I needed it
Needed the blood

So I drew it myself
And it ******* hurts
But finally I feel relief

I want to write it all out
Release the floodgates
But instead
I let my emotions be dull
Blunted
There’s too much withheld
Take it slow, dear
But I want to feel it all
Something
Or go all numb
I don’t know...
I just... I can feel their echo
Thoughts, emotions
I know what I’m trying to feel
What I ought to feel
But I can’t...
Can’t quite reach it...
Like it’s shrouded
Under a thick fog
I just want to feel like I’m supposed to...
Caring can be challenging...
I’d kind of like to give up
Give in
Surrender to apathy
Can’t seem to decide...

I want to
Rip, tear, throw
Off my responsibilities
Like bonds off
An escaped
Prisoner

I was born into darkness
A servant, a slave to it
Shackles kept me prisoner
But I was freed
By the Breaker of Chains
It held me close
While nursing my wounds
But when I healed,
I started fighting back
Against goodness
I didn't want to be cared for
I never deserved that kind of love
I shouldn't be protected
And the darkness,
I’d made it my home
It could make me feel
Like none other could
And I forgot
About all I had been rescued from
And I tried to escape
To return
To my demons
And the Breaker of Chains?
It watched over me
Guarded me
While I wandered
Allowing my freedom
But preventing my demise

You talk about me without me
With the only person I trusted
Pretend you know what's going on
Trying to take control of me
But you have no idea
What happens in my head
You don't know
What's going on with me
How dare you
HOW DARE YOU

Last night I saw it there
Lingering beneath
The thick emotional fog
A creature, a monster
A suppressed storm
Writhing, screaming
Bruised and scarred
Full of old memories
And I was so relieved
To pull the fog back over
And bury it in the night

My eyes burn with sleep
As I prepare my body
For basic presentation
But I just want to lie here
Drowsy and calm
I don’t want to work
Just sleep
She wanted me sedated
So I wouldn’t try anything
And ****... it works

Drown it out.
Louder.
******* LOUDER

Why can’t it get louder....

There’s too much

My mind... it’s full of this....

This...

noise


I can’t take it

I don’t wanna take it

I want to drown it

In anything.

Cause I’m about to burn
And maybe I want to...
Maybe... maybe that’s the goal
Care for others ‘til it kills you...
It’s not a good plan...
But it feels right...

Fireworks crackle on the streets
Seems fitting to celebrate this way
As we watch the world burn

I’m so hot...
I’m burning up
Burning out...
Wearing jackets
Sleeves
Anything to hide the marks
Prevent their discomfort
At the cost of my own

tw: self harm


It’s 3 am
I could sleep
I really should just sleep
But if I wanted to...
If I wanted to take out the knife...
I could
And honestly
I’m just waiting
For some part of me to give way
So either I am forced to sleep
Or allowed to cut

There’s a storm coming
That these pages cannot contain
There’s too much
All tangled and fused
Webbed together in a mass
I’m going to survive the calamity
But I’m not going to want to

I’m pretty sure I’m actually a nuisance, and the few people who bother to let me stay around would prefer to not have me

can't sleep because my thoughts won't cease
can't relax because i feel lazy
can't act because i can’t decide
can't eat because i'm already fat
can't starve because i'm addicted
can't escape because i have no means
can't move because my mind is so loud
can't bleed because they might notice
can't breathe because i don't want to go on
can't die because of what i'd leave behind
can't be content because i'm unhealthy in every sense
can't improve myself because i'm really not worth it

I suppose I’m just surprised
At the amazing capacity I have
For darkness
For imperfection
For failure
It’s horrifying
What I am capable of...
I’ve seen it
I’ve felt it
But I haven’t done it
Not yet
But the idea...
The thoughts call to me like sirens
And my will to fight...?
It’s failing
I’d like to give in...

i keep doing this
keep damaging myself
just let me get a little worse...
let’s make this real
so i’m in a bit of trouble

come to me
care for me
nurse me to health
stay my quaking hands
keep me from harm
insist upon your care
you know i won’t do it myself
then when you’re done
come lay beside me
wrap your arms around me
let me feel the safety of your embrace
where i can finally find some rest...

Trigger warning: Self harm, cutting, eating disorders, suicidal thoughts


I want you to watch
Watch me
Watch as I hurt
Watch as I abuse myself
‘Cause I don’t really care anymore
I’ll open my wrists
I’ll exhaust my heart
Burn out my mind
I’ll empty my stomach
I’ll tremble with weakness

I want to stumble and fall
I want you to catch me
Prove you care
Prove you’re there
Beg me to stop
Take the temptation from my hand
Share my burdens
Because I can’t bear them anymore
Not alone

Stay my hand
Take the blade
When I’m too weak to let it go
Tend to my wounds
Take away my chemicals
The ones I use to hide
Because you want to see me
Not my masks
Because you care
You want to care for me
You know I’m no longer capable

I want to be weak
I want to be ill
Starving
Shaking
Bleeding
Dying
And I want you
To care

I... I don’t think I have it in me
To care for myself tonight.....

It’s on my mind again.
My little silver toy
Careful - it’s sharp!
The last mark fades
And with it my validity
There’s nothing wrong with me
Treatment is going great
I’m happy
I’m highly functional
Yet...... there it is....
It echoes in the abyss of my head
The place where self destruction simmers
It boils and festers
Gathers its strength
To come back harder
I know I will eventually lose
I will most certainly give in
Perhaps not tonight,
But sooner or later
I will surrender
I will see my suffering.

I take care of all of you
I make sure you’re all okay
And part of that job
Requires me to say,
“I’m fine”
When I know
You don’t have it in you
To take care of me

I don’t feel like caring
There’s no emotion there anymore
No rush as adrenaline drips into my veins
It’s only in my head
Things I ought to care about
Tasks I should want to do
But caring isn’t physical now
I can’t feel it
Caring is difficult
It takes work to want
Should it be so hard?

Crawling through the darkness
I stumble towards the light
Trip and slip
Slide down... down... down...
Stagger to my feet
Try to climb
Grab hold of something
But as footholds break
And progress turns into pain
The temptation
To let go
To fall
To surrender
Grows ever stronger...
Ever enticing....
Ever seducing...
Ever inviting...

Interesting
A little flower
Dried and flakey
Contained in a pouch
Plopped into water
And that’s it
That seemed to do the trick
Maybe all I needed
Was a nice cup of tea

They’re afraid I’m not myself
That the little circular tablet has changed me
But how would we know?
Before I was crippled by adrenaline
I was so young
You can’t compare me to that
And in the midst of my darkest days...
You can’t possibly believe that’s me
Is that who you’re looking for?
Because I don’t care about everything now
It’s not perfect
But I’m not obsessive anymore
And that’s what I needed most

Of course I’m serene
My demeanor is quiet
I’m calm
Because inside
If you could hear inside my head
You’d find endless screaming
Guttural, agonized
Chaotic

So if you want me to function
This is what you get
I’ll stuff my demons inside
And present what I can
But don’t get me wrong,
Most of my energy is spent
Keeping them at bay

It's so strange
Knowing exactly what I'm looking for
Knowing where to find it
My satisfaction
My redemption,

But some part of me...
It wants to find out for itself
Not just follow others
Even though I am convinced
That I really do know the truth

It wants to go searching
Chasing highs
Just for a little while
Until it is certain
There is nothing better out there

I know it's lying to me
I know the solution
But it is so tempting to
Chase
I listen

The chasm in my chest won’t fill
It just aches and grows
As more and more of me is lost
In the abyss

And tonight the emptiness is so deep
It’s so strong that nothing feels right
Consistently disappointed
Everything within is lacking
I need something
I can’t say precisely what
But it’s likely it got lost somewhere
Within the chasm

I might pour alcohol into it
See if I can find the bottom somewhere...
I’ll probably end up feeling like ****
But that’s a price I’m glad to pay
If I can be genuinely happy for a few hours
Where I can feel my smiles in my heart
And they aren’t just painted on my face

If I can’t fill it with alcohol
I’ll fill it with blood
Doesn’t really matter how long it’s been
I can cut again
Shock myself into reality
Drag myself out of the fog
I’m not so used to it anymore
It probably won’t take much
Just a few wild slices
A few drops of blood
And a sharp wince
As I realize what I’ve done

Anxiety ........................ High
Anti-Anxiety Meds .... Taken
Antidepressants ......... Taken
Antihistamines ........... Taken
Lights ........................... Dim
Noise Cancellation ..... On
Music ............................ Loud
Mind ............................. Anywhere else

There’s that point

Approaching ******

Reaching it

Savoring it....

Where I’m absolutely certain

I’d do anything for some real ***

Or maybe even

Just to ****** one more time...


I suppose I’ve been in need
Of some kind of painkiller
And it’s clear now
That natural ones may have to do

You know what’d be really cool
If someone got close to me
Like... really all the way close
And they made me feel
Necessary
Desired
Irreplaceable
Yeah... that’d be cool...

A black cloud
Surrounds my heart and mind
Thoughts slow and dull
Chest thick and heavy
Flashes of nervous lightning
Flicker in my veins
Chaos within this body
I want to run
I want to sleep
I’m burning
And frozen
Paralytic
I don’t know how
To break the trance

Everything is cold
Covered in blankets
I feel I ought to see my breath
But the ice is inside me
Freezing the blood in my veins
Stopping my heart
Numbing me from the inside out
I can’t move
Can’t think
And when I do
It’s about my end

I don’t feel it much
But when I place my hand
On my bed
And my puppy
Sleepy, fluffy, innocent
Curls up around it
She passes on to me
A bit of her tranquility

I can’t believe it
I almost couldn’t finish
Because you... you were in my head
I nearly cried!
Flooded with dopamine
And you made me cry
I still miss you, **** it!
Your absence has left my heart torn
YOU LEFT ME ALONE

You’re no good for me
I’ll only hurt you
But my stupid little heart
It got attached
It desperately wants you close

I miss you
I love you
And I’m so... I’m so sorry...

My heart feels heavy
My pulse burns
My head aches

I want freedom
I want peace
I want love
I feel these so deeply in my being
But I’m so confused
I’m so conflicted
And all those who would’ve helped me have gone
I’ve grown distant from once-trusted mentors
I don’t know where to find answers
Where to find help
Something inside me screams an answer
That I don’t want to hear

Or perhaps rather...
It is a still, small voice

She’s afraid of progress
Will it mean she forgets?
Abandoning the part of her who suffered?
She wants to hold her close
Embraced in healing, love, growth
But for that part of herself
It’s still happening
She’s still suffering
She’s still struggling
And the tighter she’s held by safety
The louder she screams that she’s not safe

Child,
You needed to learn
Your actions have consequences
But you should never
Ever
Have had to learn
That losing the love
Losing the acceptance
Of the people you admire and respect
Would be one of them

Again? Really??
As soon as there’s a glimmer of ******* hope
The universe gives me some reminder
That things can always be worse
That happiness will always be stolen
That solace is fleeting
That comfort will betray me
That I will be wounded
Again and again and again
I will never be given time to heal
Before the next blow lands
My living Hell

Don’t listen to them
Nothing gets better
Life only gets worse
Running from disaster to disaster
Everything is ******* futile
You’ll never get anywhere
And if you do, it’ll be worse than where you began

This is the conspiracy
The world against me.

I can’t ******* function
I can’t ******* THINK
I’ve lost control over my emotions
I’m not in control
I’m not in control
I am not in control

As one who has never
Lost her control
There is nothing
So exciting
Invigorating
Alluring
As the ability
To do so
To just
Stop
*******
Thinking

Darkness calls out
I know his name
I can recognize him at a glance
And yet, I am confused

But why the confusion?
You know what's wrong
You know what's right
It's just that simple

Some things, though feel
So good that
They just couldn't
Possibly be wrong

All I know
Is that when I think
I crave
Something wonderful

Intoxicating
Thrilling
Addicting
Wrong?

I don't know any more
So instead I run
Towards my buzz
And I forget

What was your name?