It has been months of reconciliation
Of learning to love myself again
Of learning to let go to what I can not change
And stop trying to change people
My worth is no longer dependent on how people prioritize me or how they treat me
But instead loving them through their mal treatment and most importantly
Loving myself through it
Letting go of contempt and resentment leaves room for new friendships and working on old ones
Cause six years mean everything and make it worth it

There is nothing romantic about falling  down stairs
Tumbling down granite steps, clothed in a light cotton dress and laughter

There is nothing graceful about falling in love
Stammering out firecracker words, armed with bullet powder breath and suspicion

I tripped into love with you

Rolling down, unsure of what bruises I would walk away with, prescribing each second with a dose of eternity

You have not strolled away yet with your flowing swagger, just as I have not waddled off with my tangled stride

Instead, we are both grasping for a rail to break our fall,
or rather to delay the crash on the base tread

Falling is adrenaline rush wonder
Lets keep falling, together

At the bottom, I will tend to your bruises
So we can take another leap of faith

I still have your single black sock-
It is a reminder that I am not the only one who
lost something
when you left:
misfit parts of you are still sprinkled across my bedroom
(it is a lesson for the both of us)
what else am I to do?

Inexplicably we are drawn together
as if Fate tied our heart strings tight so that each beat is felt in unison- inescapable empathy
We can not cut the chord, She will not let us
So let's make our story a song and play her till our hearts resolve

Perhaps we find it so easy to forgive each other cause it is the only way to forgive ourselves

You say I am strong
as if that will make my sadness melt away but
No amount of strength or grace
could make me forget the pain
I may come out stronger in the end
Or maybe, injured, damaged
Right now, I'm still struggling to lift this weight above my head
I'm just trying to stay upright

There is no way
to write about a
heart break so deep
you are not sure it is
still beating

This is the work of
betrayal of
best friends of
soul mates

This is where sin meets
body where
nobody bothers with
excuses because words
mean nothing anymore because
survival means silence

You left my bed filled with a terrible nostalgia
Now I can’t sleep without dreaming you next to me
I conjure up your ghost
Why do you continue to haunt my sheets

Traveling taught me that I can find God in places other than your arms
Religion is on continents you haven't touched and I've seen love in eyes that don't belong to you
There is plenty of world left to explore
so I know that I will be alright

The first time he kissed me, my friends assured me that I was just another body
I dutifully disagreed- "I am special"
The second time he kissed me, I learned pretty fast that my friends were right
I need not be
I am not special I am just
A woman

When a stranger wrapped his scarf around my chest,
His foreign accent fondling me with the words explaining that
he would be jealous to see other men looking at me I smiled
politely and waited to be dug out by my friends nearby because
I am not special I am just
The body of a woman

Hearing a whistle blown towards my general direction I bow my head, ignore all of the "hey baby"sand "que linda"s
Shrinking into myself I hope to disappear from the street because
I am not special I am just
The body of a woman

Walking the city alone, I make sure to act as if nobody is there hoping with futility
That maybe if they can not be seen then I will not be seen either
Although I do not need to try so hard to become invisible because
I am not special I am just
The body of a woman

Waiting to hear from you and allowing myself to be passive with our fate I rehearse that I am just another kiss, another body for you to call home because
I am not special I am just
The body of woman

These days I do not measure my worth in pounds on the scale because
That number is far too large- far too significant
Instead I look to the tags inside my pants because they represent how much space I do not take up

Exploring the streets I am constantly checking how many shadows are following behind me
What turns they're taking and how far behind they are
My escape routes are already planned for the inevitable because
no matter how significant I truly am, that is always compensated for through the insignificance of my body no-
Our bodies, women
We are miraculous, glory filled temples
It is not our fault that no matter how much fabric we try to hide behind we are always ****** beings that
Our accomplishments are that much more revered because we had to overcome our womanhood first that
Woman is a necessary adjective to frame titles or context because
Without it one will assume a man is being spoken of
Each day is a cause for celebration because each sunset marks another day of survival but the morning sunrise alerts us for another day at war

I suppose the day has finally come where I no longer write you
Where I no longer miss you cause
It was your birthday and I did not send you carrier pigeon love
I am done accepting love fleeting
I’ve learned that there is no wrong time with the right person
Which is not to say I don’t still try harder than I should
But you are no longer on the receiving end
I seldom think of you now
But I’ll always hope just a little that you still think of me

Every morning I make my bed
I roll off the mattress and immediately get to work
Straightening my blankets and folding them back
Plumping the spread with throw pillows that were gifted to me and don’t quite go together

But the morning after you leave I lay in the bed a little longer
Leave it messy and tangled even as I leave the house
I come home to a reminder of you being with me for one more night
Messy and tangled

I get into my unmade bed and remember how warm you made me feel
How I didn’t need the layers of blankets for heat and pressure cause
You were there with me
Messy and tangled
Havent we been here before

This morning I made my bed
The sheets were strewn across my room
Requiring a little more effort cause I had neglected them yesterday trying to keep a token of you being with me
I left this morning starting a new week with a made bed but
I want you to be with me
again
Messy and tangled

You were already so familiar
So honest and vulnerable
Though you were not ready
Even if I finally was
So maybe we can try again
In a month or two
And see if we can start something
Again

we used to wear fishnets with shorts and
talk about God beneath the no smoking sign
we’d play made up games and watch Disney movies
cause it was ironic
made each other mixtapes on CDs
talked on the internet
sent each other emails
in the name of irony and being different

we wear ankle boots with jeans and
talk about politics over a beer
we travel and make mistakes
cause it fills us up
send each other poetry from youtube
facetime
tag each other in posts
in the name of keeping in touch
we’re no longer living down the street but
still together

Maybe it is that we are so fiercely afraid that we can be loved wholeheartedly that we run into the arms of people we know never will
Which is to say maybe it is that I can not bring myself to believe that I might deserve better so
Forgive me if I am skeptical
Forgive me if I’m fleeting cause
It all seems too imaginary to be my manifest destiny

For the first time I’ve been loved like I’m more than a body
Held like more than a place holder
So forgive me if I try to hold you close but
I don’t wanna lose this feeling of being loved with eyes wide open
I don’t tend to feel this way often so I wanna know if this is new for you too

Lately I’ve been trying to figure out how I might be able to miss you
and not feel sad about it
anymore

How do you mourn the loss of something you never had in the first place
You were the greatest almost I ever had
I hope to know you again soon

Your footprints are riddled throughout south Boston from our cold walks wandering
They’re still here
Still a reminder of us there

Together was my favorite place to be
But you’re gone like it was nothing
And i miss you like it was something
Those moments felt like everything
Does any of it matter, any more?

even if days may go by that I do not think of you
not a day goes by that I do not miss you

some days I take a breath
and feel the air get lost on its way to my lungs - trapped
lost soul searching
found hiding from reality
I push out the empty air, still alive
still breathing,
without you
you, still missing
from me - lost

Forgetting you means survival when
I care means nothing cause
Your actions mean I'm not good enough or
Maybe they mean she's easier but
not talking doesn't help
you define best friend or
future or
3 am phone calls
So why don't you just talk
and mean what you say

I, do not have any regrets
You, really should
This is not a break up poem
This is not a girl power poem
This is not a ******* poem
No
Cause I am still heartbroken
In a way I never expected
You see
Leaving me was not the worse decision you have made
Rather leaving yourself was
Where did
      those sunshine eyes go?
      those rocky dreams and
      smooth smooth words
Now everything that leaves your lips have an edge
Even your touch is no longer soft
The world made you hard
And I am sorry
if our love is at all to blame,
I am sorry but
You can not hide behind regrets
Especially when
There are none there to begin with
Give your mother a hug for me and please
Tell her
that I am sorry
Because we both loved our six foot tall teddy bear two years ago even if
he is still standing right in front of us
He is no longer there
And that loss
That absence
Is the hardest to forget

I used to sleep to dream you
But now I wake to forget you cause
My subconscious mind keeps bringing us back together
And when I wake it hurts all over again
Like I’m losing you all over again
In my dreams I can still reach for you
You’re still with me
Laughing
Then I wake up and remember you’re gone, again
Come back, again
I’ll love you, again

haven' written in a while
its not cause I haven' been inspired
just been traveling the world
and growing into myself
been growing into the world
maybe its cause I don' feel the same
pain anymore or cause I don'
think bout you anymore
which isn' quite true but I don'
think about you like I used to

To only remain sad after a death, is to live life selfishly.  
But, to brush over heartache with a smile is only going to disrespect your loved one.  
Do justice, have the strength show the world your sadness, but do not forget to wipe the dust off your heart.  
Experience life, that is the best way to serve those who have lost theirs

I told my first lie at the age of 5
I told the grocery store cashier that I was 4 years old
My mother called me on my bluff, but she did not realize that this was more than a cute slip up
The only truth in that was that I was terrified of growing up
I longed to find my way to Neverland
I've been lost ever since
Searching, for the answer
I have come close, a few times
17 years into my hunt, I saw both the earth and sky in his green and blue eyes
The fountain of youth flowed through his lips
The second star was right in front of me, shining from his gold strands of hair
Inhaling sweet smoke, we were high enough to fly away
Or so I thought
I forgot the pixie dust, and also forgot about Neverland
Instead I yearned for the future with him

When he left, time stopped
I did not age, and the world around me was frozen
I started praying to the stars that they would one day let me join them
I have stopped trying to fly because you
keep me grounded
I do not want to go away to a world without your voice
Please, sing your future into my present
Paint me in pixie dust
Let me feel your magic
Tell me about what fears follow you like a shadow
I wished to the second star, and the third star and the fourth star until you found your way to me
Just don't go back to Neverland, please
That is to say, if you let me go now, I will not ever return

It took me 17 years to finally meet you and 344 days to finally forget you
It took me 1 night to fall in love with you and 2 mistakes for our hearts to be broken
I felt like we were made for eachother
Like everything happened as it should be as if we were born already in love
My soulmate
We liked the same poems and preferred the same songs
We always laughed together
It seemed so logical it seemed so intelligible
So easy to intellectualize
It was obvious you were my destiny
Till destiny took you away till you ran away till you slept with her till you stayed with her
Every "I'm not ready for a relationship" is a "I'm not ready for you" is a "I don't want you" why couldn't I accept that
Why couldn't you accept that why couldn't you stay away
You come back sporadically
Come back long enough to remind me that you're still there
But she's still there with you

I am long gone
I have sat across from other dark eyes and laughed
I have connected with our men have kissed other men
See I can leave you like you left me
Like he left me
Like my dad left me

Don't know if these new eyes will stay with me or run like you did
Don't know if he feels the chemistry between us if he skipped as he walked away like I did
If he told his friends about me like I did
He reminded me of the first time
Of my first time in love
Of falling in love blindly unaware
I feel the opportunity of forever but don't think I am worth it
Don't think he thinks I'm worth it
I don't think he thinks of me
Maybe he isn't worth it
But I know he is I can't stop running
Can't stop hiding
Last time I put my neck out I nearly drowned
You nearly drowned
Don't want him to drown me again like you did
But I'm already falling
Blindly
Unaware

I've written a thousand ways I'll miss you
when we no longer speak and
that time has come
cause you don't talk to me late at night
you don't send me songs I've already heard and
I don't  play along
I don't listen to your music
I don't dance to your music and I don't dance with you

I still miss laughing with you and
the last time I saw you felt like we were starting over
but maybe we were just saying goodbye

Now I'm six hours ahead and I'm
pretty sure you're still taking her to bed
So now is goodbye, this is not see you later
This is not me waiting for you
This is me learning not to reach for
something that shouldn't be here

I imagined you next to me for a thousand years
but maybe our time together, comfortably laughing
was only meant to be fleeting
maybe your free spirit was only meant to leave

I'll never know why you
entered my life like a hurricane
and left me deserted
never know if you ever loved me
or cared
never know if you were lying
or are as confused as you seem

our goodbye is likely forever
you built walls and left them
running to the mountains searching for
yourself inside someone else
its cliche and I always thought you were unique
but maybe you're just like the rest
just a lost boy running from reality

I ought to stop writing bout you
and yearning for us to begin again
cause you're a lost boy and
my messages will never reach you

Wanna say hello,
want you to say hello
want you to reach out but I
gotta say goodbye
goodbye to your old car
to your plain bagels and adidas sneakers
goodbye to your black dog, and kind parents
goodbye to laying on the couch
to driving through the streets late at night
goodbye to tequila shots and dancing
to laughing and missing trains
to who we were and will never be
hello to the future
goodbye my love

I knocked and
You answered
You were always the answer
Maybe not always the right one
But I’ve always picked you so
Hopefully this time I’ll
Get things right

Maybe we won’t leave eachother
Again
Won’t have to say I miss you again or
Let’s catch up
Don’t wanna have to know more time without you in it

Haven’t been calling like I should or
Visiting like I said I would
Made you cry at dinner cause you said I make you feel stupid
Don’t know why I push and pull you away but if anyone were to ask I’d say you’re my go to
Though I don’t always treat you like it
I’m sorry that I’m your world and that I’ve been so absent
Been trying to figure out who I am without you
But you made me
You shaped me and sometimes I resent your honesty
I love you more than anyone else
I’m sorry that I can’t show you that the way I should

Killing myself has always been a back burner option
Been something floating in the foreground like an exit sign in a dimly lit room that I’ve never used
See, I wake up every day and choose not to use it
I decide it’s all worth it
The way the cold makes my thighs red on a Friday night
How the crisp winter breeze reminds me what it’s like to feel something
How you made me feel good, past tense and bad present tense but **** isn’t it a gift to feel this range of emotions again
I feel all this love and heartbreak that I never thought I would again
I thought the winter wind made me numb but instead it made me realize how wonderfully alive I am
I would never do anything to change that, I’ll never take the quick exit
For that, havent I won, something?

I should’ve know when you didnt want to talk bout the future that you wouldn’t be here for long
You dodged my questions when I asked about where you saw yourself in five years. About grad school. About moving to New York
You didn’t ask me questions about where I saw myself in five years. About grad school. About moving to New York.

I should’ve known you’d be painfully present when you wouldn’t share about the past
We never did talk about grade school, or skinned knees, bad grades or good teachers

All you ever could think in was the present, and when I started to ask about the future, bout next week, I was no longer welcome in your presence
You vanished and took with you our time together, past tense

So I keep sleeping, to escape the present
Hide behind my covers in broad day light
My dreams take me to a place where the past, present and future are nowhere to be found
And that’s where I’m able to find you, again

I’ve been starting to think that I can love you in your absence
And I’m worried that if you came back
Next week
Next year
Ten years from now
I’d still love you
And kiss goodbye to all I’ve held since you left
All that held me since you left
Just so I could hold you, feel you
Again

I'm sorry for
what I did cause
I never wanted you all to leave
That wasn't me
I just told the truth and
what happened,
was going to happen
You all broke me and I am sorry I fell this way
I am I mean it
I'm not facetious
I miss you all and I wish it could be the same again
Wish we could laugh together about the good times or talk about the bad but I understand
I still grieve
I am sure you do too
Didn't think that conversation in the green chairs would change everything
Couldn't hold it in anymore
When I shattered so did my walls holding in your secrets
It's not just my fault
And it's not just yours
We're just kids at heart
But we had hearts in our hands
I couldn't watch you let them fall
Had to catch them
So I dropped you
I'm sorry

I’ve been learning what I deserve
Who I deserve
What makes me happy
Who makes me happy
Still sprinkled with self destruction
And holding onto fond memories
I’ve got a ways to go
But my how far I’ve come

Maybe we both were trying to find the heart of someone else in between the arms of each other
Maybe I was just a place holder for what you were missing
Maybe I was a bandaid on a leaking dam
Maybe it’s all much more simple but
I’ll probably never know
Never know what it was you were looking for
What changed your mind
What you were waiting to have happen
Is my smile too big my heart too open?
Did my confidence scare you away
What was I missing

I'm back at square one
I know I've been here before
felt this
before
Everything seems so unfinished
There’s still more to say
More to experience
More connection to be had
I wish you’d wait it out a little longer but
Instead I’ll just write you one last time
Open the door to a second try
Remind you that I’m still here
Smiling, waiting
Lord knows I’m special
And I know you’re special
It’s hard to ignore how comfortable we felt
But maybe I felt like her when you closed your eyes
And maybe I didn’t make you feel the way she did when you opened them
Maybe it was her you were reaching for all along
Our connection wasn’t the same as yours but
Did you really give it a fighting chance
Or did you just hide away from the possibility
From the commitment
From the vulnerability
I’m still here arms open, eyes bright
I’m still here
Still here

Chapter 1: Lie-Lie-Lie or else bye-bye-bye
“How have u been?”
“good, thanks :)”

Chapter 2: What are you hiding, anyways?
Well not really my shoulders feel light, but the weight of the world seems to be pressing down on my chest as I lay in bed

Chapter 3: Why?
I have been meaning to tell you, but how do I cough out the words?

Chapter 4: Be honest (with yourself, only)
I feel as though Mother Earth has taken hold of my neck and pushing on my sternum, I gasp for breath, but as I finally get a full inhale, my air is pushed right out of me
I lay, watching the world go by

I feel mother’s hand cover my mouth with her other hand, muffling my cries for help
I grip onto my fondest memories for hope, my happiest times run through my brain like a double feature movie
I lock eyes with mother, as she holds me down
I see the fear in her eyes
Mother nature does not want to do this to me, it was just my luck of the draw
My pleading eyes beg her to fill me up with the antidote
Theres a fix for this feeling, I know it
I finally get up, I swallow the two white battleship pills, and I pray that they work
My day has begun, and I start my routine
I go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, wash my face, put in my contacts
I then go right to my bed and meticulously make it
I get dressed, pants first
Next is makeup, then I put on my shirt
I decorate my wrists and fingers with jewelry
I sit down, pull my black socks over my feet, lace my shoes and prepare to leave
I do this routine every day
In order, bathroom bed, pants, makeup, shirt, jewelry
I do not go deviate from this sequence; schedules rule my life
My fingers take turns touching my thumbs
Pinky, ring, middle, first, middle, ring, pinky, ring, middle, first, middle, ring, pink
The tapping of my fingers keep rhythm for my day, my anxious energy exits through my finger tips, a quick relief
I am endlessly fidgety, my legs dance in circles, swaying as I sit and shuffling as I stand
My fingers pick and **** at my skin, my hair, they rub roughly against the palm of my hand, making sure everything is still there
My eyes, they never stay still
And my mind never rests
It is constantly jumping, jumping, jumping
It gives me a headache
My schedule for my day rolls through my head on an endless loop, I map out all of the options of what people may think of me, and I create routes for how to respond for each scenario
My fingers scratch at my face, smoothing out the impurities
Pinky ring middle first middle ring pinky
My hand goes back to my face, like it is the first time discovering my cheek bones
Pinky ring middle first middle ring pinky
I smooth my lips, pressing them into my teeth
Pink ring middle first middle ring pinky
At 12 pm I’ll get lunch
Pinky ring middle first
Then at 1 I’ll go back to my room
Middle, ring
I’ll have to leave by 1:40 to make it to class
Pinky
Afterwards I’ll nap for 35 minutes, allowing perfect time to get to the gym
Ring, middle, first

Chapter 5: the follow up
“how are you? lol I got distracted, sorry”

**Middle, ring, pinky

I have had my heart broken far too many times by broken promises and misconceptions
but no ruin could prepare me for the pain of betrayal by a friend
Her ability to walk away, and scorn me is terrifying
Is this what it had all been about?