I was supposed to be
6 months sober
But ***** that
Just another sip
Burn my mouth
Burn my throat
Make me feel okay
Just for a little while

A poison
So bitter
Making me feel
So sweet

Allowing for a temporary escape
From all of my pain
Just for a little while
Letting me smile
Though it wasn't true
It felt true
The poison making me
Believe
I was happy
Just for
A little while

Good emotions
Not a care in the world
Just swaying
Singing a song
Laughing at nothing
Everything funny
For no reason at all

I let go
For a little while
Let myself be tempted
Grab it
Be poisoned
Intoxicated

But
I'm not supposed to be

I'm supposed to be
Okay
Without
The **** poison
But it's hard
So **** hard
To be okay
When hell
Is in your head
Devouring your skull
But the demons never feeling full

I said ***** it
But the ***** is in my head
Giving me a headache
Pulsing
Thinking
Then regretting
Guilt
For what I've done
The promise I broke
Leaving behind what I was supposed to be;
Sober.

- Jay M
December 3rd, 2019

Reprimanded by blood
Such words stung like a blade
Embedded in my mind
Tearing me to pieces
Falling away
To a great depths

Desiring so badly
To take a sip
Of the escaping nectar
Alas
Having vowed to never do so again
Not doing so in reality
But in my mind
To be drunk in my mind
Sharing such desires to a trusted one
Speech of this thing
Terrible for doing so

What a way to live
Allowing myself to imagine such
Become so monstrous
To a point
Where I am able to sink so low
To return to zero
No longer behind a mask
Yet still in part

Internally
Crying out rivers
Seas of emotion so strong
The power of a tempest
Rocking me
Tossing me
Between the waves
Relentlessly
Unforgiving

Aching in my chest
Somewhere in my center
A placed called the heart
I presume

Consuming me
Is this pain
Threatening to control
Command
Yet
Here I am
Ordering myself
Fighting against this
This demon and the rest of them
In my head
Barely able to survive

- Jay M
November 10th, 2019

I am
A being of peace
A being of comfort
A being of radiant love
A being of harmony
A being of balance

I am
A being of knowledge
I learn from my darkness
To grow in my inner light
I learn from the darkness
To nurture the light

I see my path
I know my path
All that I need, I attract
All that I shall know
Shall help my soul to grow

I am a being of healing
I radiate comfort and peace
I guide with an innate knowing
I am a being of great wisdom
I share in the lessons of life
I am a being of patience
All things come in time
To arrive as I need
To my call it heed
Aid me everso
On my path
As I grow

- Jay M
March 3rd, 2022

I'm dancing around
Like a ray of sunshine
Can't keep my feet on the ground
For some reason, this day is mine

Sudden bursts of energy
Suddenly, I feel so free
I smile in this anti-gravity
My work flowing through the air
Done with time and care
Finally paying off
Now nobody can scoff

Still, I have miles to travel before I sleep
No more shall I weep
For the battle isn't over yet
The stage is all set
So let my work tell the story
And bring me the greatly sought glory

So here I go
Figuring out the flux of numbers
Like the smooth stitch as I sew
Barely getting good slumbers
But through the late night hour
I have gained the knowledge and power
To proudly take and pass the test
Finally allowing me a decent nights rest

Rising early in the morning
Hurry, get it done, heed the warning
Send it into the air
Done with time and care
Do it right,
Win the fight

At the end of the day
I'll soon be able to go outside and say,
"I did it, I survived and passed my first year of high school."

- Jay M
June 2nd, 2020

Strangers lurking at the edge,
Hidden away in a corner, we wait.
Hoping the party may end,
This pointless gathering,
Drinks poured, hearts broken,
The perfect masquerade.

Are you happy now?
All of the stupid lies,
Empty thoughts,
Lowered eyes,
Some get drunk,
Some sit in the back,
Some don't even try to arrive...
Stay home, where fate picks them up,
Cradling them in its gentle arms.

- Jay M
March ??, 2019

Take it in

The sky
Great expanse of blue
Filled with clouds
Puffy and white or dark and grey
Or none at all

The birds
Hawks soaring high
Crows and pigeons
Finches and doves
Hanging around
Each day
If you care to look

The streets
Full of cars
Pumping in gas
To pump it right out
Ground littered with trash
A candy wrapper
A plastic bag
Broken glass
Swiftly do people pass

People
Out on the street
Begging on their feet
Or walking despite the heat
Some you may just know
Others just another face

Take it in
Embrace it all
Every moment counts
Even if you fall
Remember it all
The present is precious

The ones you know
Hold them close
Enjoy every minute
It's never coming back

If this day
Was your last
Could you look back
Fondly with a smile
At everything then
Could you live with that?

- Jay M
September 21st, 2020

Seated alone in a church pew
Hushed voices all around
Don't let him hear you;
"Unfortunate"

They say his mother passed
All of his luck has run dry
They say he's the last
Can't you see him cry?

They say he lives alone
Barely old enough
A shabby place to call home
The young man has it quite rough

They say he sits there
Alone in the church pew
Praying for a better life, if an angel will hear
Then he goes, writes for the few
Who will pay him a penny for his thoughts

Can't you see him in the street?
Watch his feet
Slow stride
He's got nothing left to hide
Don't let him hear you say;
"Unfortunate"

They say he wears his father's old clothes
He was the first to go
Down in the ground
Have pity, have pity
Don't let him hear you say;
"Unfortunate"

They say-

"I can hear you!"
He cries, so suddenly,
"And let me tell you what is true,"
"For none of you know me,"
"Or my story, so let me tell it,"
"Not the unfortunate likes of you,"
"With nothing better to do than whisper of my life."

- Jay M
May 7th, 2020

Alone am I
Alone are we
Insomniacs, lying awake
Sitting in our beds past midnight
Staring into oblivion, into nothing
Pondering our lives, pondering
Our choices, the world, the universe
Our very existence in this reality

Alone am I
Alone are we
What if I were to disappear?
To be gone from here,
This plain, this place
What if I were to disappear?
What are we, what am I?

Alone am I
Alone are we
Staying up beyond midnight
Unable to sleep, it rejects us
You, reader, and I, writer,
Alone am I
Alone are we

- Jay M
July 8th, 2022

One day
I will
Go fetch the scraps
The metal
The wood
And make something
Just for you

A bench
Framed in the shape of a heart

Or

A sculpture
Of metal
Designed by my siblings and I
Will power
To go on
Make it for them

- Jay M
May 9th, 2019

Sometimes I want you to know
That I am only human
And not a machine
Reaching for a reason
To keep going.

Too much
Really, is this what you want?
Yesterday you said you loved me
In the end; calling me crazy
Never thought you'd say that
Going 'round in my head now....

But that was yesterday.

- Jay M
April 4th, 2019

Concealed behind walls of white; hidden from the world, from possibility; trapped within; looking out at the world so wonderful, so full of color and light, whilst I remain hidden behind these walls. Looking out through windows; out at the world I crave to rejoin, recovering from my falls; internal and external; in my head seated under willows, the emotions and events link as I am pacing those plain halls, jotting my thoughts in a journal, then shredding them to bits,  taking part in wordless turns; giving those who love me quite a fright.

Apologizing for my mistakes; so much repetition, replaying that tainted day; over and over, imprinted in my brain; there it shall stay, forevermore, like a red stain on a white cloth, eaten away by a silent silkworm.

Crying rivers of salt whilst standing in the rain; crashing down around me, splashing at my feet; soothing my shivers, the drumming of each cascading drop so entrancing; running down the storm drain; it leaves me be, a moment of freedom, but only such; to arise once more to be my internal torment; my reflection in the window.

Whilst behind these walls so confining, though there are others around me; I am alone. None can see through the eyes of another, and no matter how many stories of mine I tell they shall never be enough to explain why I am behind these walls; why I am so small, and so afraid; nor why I cannot wait for the day to be on the other side of the window.

As I stand before this view, I realize; this scene here, is quite like Alice; standing before the looking glass, so full of wonder and curiosity of what could come from being on the other side; freedom, surely; but then, once within that freedom; what shall become of you then? Still, the memories would be haunting; still, the past would not let you go; still, all who know you would blame you; still, all would certainly never forgive you; still, you can feel the pressure hiding just on the other side of the looking glass; waiting for you.

Also, on the side of freedom, come the questions; come the side-ways glances; come the distrust; come the watchful eyes; come the empty words; come the promises from those who barely knew and say they shall be there but all is the same; come the cries at night when the ache is so great you cannot keep it in any longer; come the conversations with hesitation; come the jokes with the carefully placed filters; come the songs they quickly switch; come the topics once barely uttered and now often discussed; come the stress soon to try to swallow you whole again; come the temptations that you cast aside; come the guilt and misery; comes the new and all-powerful chaos, waiting to devour you whole.

How could I ever forget the thing I most regret? Nightmare made reality; never entirely given a sense of safety or security; gripping in the dark, searching; leaving a scar upon my weary mind; to remind me of what it is I simply must discover; peace of mind; through the pale lit window.

Through the pale lit window is the potential for chaos, but also the potential for a better future. New outlooks on what could be; projects never before thought of or completed; inspirations for poems and art at every turn; knowledge of my strengths and weaknesses; energy and motivation to walk hikes for miles; songs to be written and sung; stories written, completed, and shared; words spoken that are so few, yet strong and powerful; a life ahead never before dreamt of.

- Jay M
January 21st, 2020

When I see your face
I'll swear I'm dreaming

When you call my name
I'll swear it was the wind

When you pass me by
I'll swear it's in my head

For in what time
For in what place
Could we simply be
Just you and me?

Forbidden by all means
All odds against us
Yet still, through it all,
I stand firm against the crashing tide
To stand against the test of time
Waiting ever so patiently
For the chance of your return

For the possibility
That you may come again
Into my life
Grace my ears with your laugh
My eyes with your visage
My arms with your embrace
Even just once more

Darling, my days and nights
Crawl by like an eternity
Every moment you are away
Is a moment I wish to cry out
To proclaim my love for you

Alas, if such were voiced
All would come undone
Those around would indeed surround
Circle in like vultures
Tearing apart my poor heart

So here I stand
Upon the cliffside
Suffering in my silence
Hoping you are safe and well
In this chaos and violence
Of these troubling times

- Jay M
November 4th, 2020

Silky red
Fabric flowing
Gracefully in the breeze
Flirts whispered and said
Hearts melting, hearts growing
Confidence flared, a day of ease

Earrings dangle
Necklaces gentle thump
Some words, they strangle
Whilst in others, hearts pump
Wildly like jackrabbits
Pretty little words and habits

High tapping heels
Arrows to the heart,
Right in the feels
Only a small part
Of what may be
That of which
All shall wait
And eagerly
Wait and
See

Empty arms
Wait for the hour
To hold within them
The beam of desire
To then shower
In deepest love
Amorous affection

- Jay M
February 14th, 2022

My mind is drifting off
Floating in the vastness
That is space and curiosity

Cold and tired
Longing for warmth
Wrap your branches around
My shivering torso
There is safety there
Calm and content
No longer to lament

- Jay M
October 7th, 2020

This heart is
Beating me to death every day
Leaving me with barely a word to say
Trapped in a tiny cage it shall stay
My mind in one of its own

Sitting in a dark room
Lookin' up into the gloom
Taking a blast
Into memories of the past

I'm addicted
To running
Heart gunning
Out of my mind
To possibly find
Some way out of this
Nightmare I'm walking

Sleep is freedom
And freedom is weighed
Shackles at the exits
A kick in the ***
Get up

Day in and
Day out
It's the same old ****
Take another hit
To the chest
Just to remember
That you're alive

I'm addicted
To running
Heart gunning
Out of my mind
To possibly find
Some way out of this
Nightmare I'm walking

Smacked to the concrete
Down in defeat
Crawling, twitching like a bug

Skull devouring
Never quite full
Information keeps slippin'
Fallin' away
Like all the words I try to say

I'm addicted
To finding another way
Out of this insanity
Oh, what a calamity!

It's not over yet
Book isn't closed
Game still has levels left
Towering over
Undefeated
One player here
Looks like it's me
But the date's from last week

Smacked to the concrete
Down in defeat
Crawlin', twitchin' like a bug

Words are haunting me
Cutting, cutting like a knife
Buzzing around like a bee

I'm addicted
To hiding it all away
What's there to say?
That I made the mistake,
That I ******* it up?
At least I'm not fake,
And can own up to my own ****

I'm addicted to the games that I play
Put on the show
And nobody could know
Well, until you wind up in hell
And pry open like a **** clam

Words pouring like drops of rain
Telling tales of my love and my pain
There's nothing to gain
But maybe relief of release
From my brain to the page
The page to the screen.

- Jay M
September 10th, 2020