So many voices yelling and echoing and cluttering up
Every heartbeat with dissonant commands;
Discordant rhythms
That give chase, pulse racing wildly ahead,
But I can never escape because the speaker is

Myself.

Who taught me these monologues of doubt?

I’m trying to find some dark corner to crawl into
And hide
From all of the should be’s
And didn’t you’s
And what if’s
And why aren’t you good enough to
And why can’t you just fix everything
And why aren’t you strong enough
To just live
And not break at every streak of light
Surmounting the dregs of night when the morning returns again
And still there is a feeling of falling
And not knowing if you should reach out and hold onto something,
Or not?

And so you just grip your coffee cup as if it were
A solitary rock
In the middle of
A storm-whipped sea
And I really just need to wrap myself around
Something that is made of clay
And dirt,

Drag my spirit through the veins of the earth,
Where the cut-banked canyons rise into a
Reddened western sky  
And release the broad-winged birds to flight.

And everything is quiet

And I know my worth:

No more or less than the brush along the shore.
No more or less than the darting shapes across the river’s floor.
No more or less than the dusk,
Than a gentle touch across my face,

Than love;

No more or less than love

And how it spills like water over rocks
And moves like music through the blood

And how the morning becomes quiet
And I am
Just
Singing softly to my children,

I won’t give up.

He's back . !!!
Today when I was sitting alone thinking about us then habitually i pick up my phone ...What I saw was heart dropping .
He sent me a song cover of his own . And texted me how are you .
This is it . The conversation began .
He was in hell , still he's going through a lot of ******* situation .
I don't know but when he suddenly withdraw from everywhere i had this feeling something is going on. ..I knew he'll be back ....
.
.
.
Today I felt one thing the most...
Trust and let go .
If he's yours he will surely be back ..❤️

Iron in the stone bleeds a colour
against grey enamel,
bone bedrock

See ticks and tocks writ on lined faces,
craning to read flickered futures
where rock-solid certainties
and metal connectivities clash
in janky dissonance

Grasping the surety of a copper coin
in a clenched fist,
the shape as sure as love and rage,
when opened, shows
the sleight of hand and thought
sold to us all

the pain must be
becoming more and more
unbearable each day,
and we have to continue
walking away from each other
when all we ever wanted
was to run
towards each other's arms.
so how about
we do this, my love?

how about we go on
with our day,
pretend we're going
to see each other
the very next day,
and face things
with excitement today?
how about we go on
with our breakfast, lunch,
dinner, and snacks in between,
and pretend we're going
to dine together tomorrow?
how about we sleep tonight
without crying our eyes out
to the memories of us
and pretend that tomorrow,
when the sun rises from the east,
we'll wake up
to see ourselves
next to each other?
how about we repeat
being hopeful every day,
looking forward
for the tomorrow
that holds you and I
in one page,
until we can
no longer remember
what we are ridiculously
holding onto
and we're just truly happy
with our lives
without each other?

When the branches are weary
And the leaves could only
Helplessly fall on the ground,
The birds sigh in unison.

When the clouds are in deep burden—
They try to hold it in for quite a while
Until a sudden downpour occurs,
And nostalgia creeps into every person.

As you watch all these happen,
You come to realize that sometimes
It's okay to just give in to the universe,
Because beauty isn't always in holding on.

I have been told that I am stupid, in love.
I don't know if I'm stupid, or simply in love.
Either way, I have no clue what I am doing,
But when others try to advise me what to do it goes in one ear and out the other, like things do when your parents lecture you,
Because in all honesty, I don't want to hear it.
I understand, yes, you love me, watching me break down isn't fun, watching my sanity slowly ebb away like the light of the sun in the evening is not easy,
But I need you to understand, I am in love, and love makes us do stupid things, but I am not stupid for loving who I do.
Because this love is true, and something I will be holding onto.
Mistakes may be made, and yes, they might play themselves on repeat,
And yes, forgiving them over and over is a feat, but I need you to listen to me.
I have never loved this much, I had always been either sad or numb,
And he is the one who changed that, he's the one who didn't make me feel fat, for once, he's the one who accepts my flaws and holds on when I am afraid and try to run away, he is the one who loves me back, and I am not willing to loose that.
So if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all
Because I will be holding on, and I need you to respect that, or step back.

grieving over what I lost,
regretting not holding on tighter


©L.F.