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220 · May 2023
Soon I'll Be 18 Years Old
Jay M May 2023
Once I was 6 years old, I lived in a house with both parents. All of us in Riverside, with a place to call home.
Once I was 7 years old, my momma moved away. Saw her every weekend, wished for more time.
Once I was 8 years old, got bullied at school. Kids didn’t like me, I didn’t either.
Once I was 9 years old, moved in with my mom. Out in San Diego, with a new family.
Once I was 10 years old, I remember my teachers.
Once I was 11 years old, I don’t remember being 11 years old.
Once I was 12 years old, went on a trip to Santa Cruz. A man smacked my ***, nobody cared.
Once I was 13 years old, I dated a guy. Broke up and he traumatized me, still haunts me.
Once I was 14 years old, and nearly wasn’t.
Once I was 15 years old, pandemic changed the world.
Once I was 16 years old, my grandma died of stubbornness. Got some trauma, new and old, I get flashbacks from both.
Now I’m 17 years old, minutes away from being 18. 17 was hard, full of trauma and pain.
Soon I’ll be 18 years old, and the next volume will begin. They say you learn to manage, so I guess we’ll see.
Once I was 6, once I was 7, once I was 8, once I was 9, once I was 12, once I was 13, once I was 14, once I was 15, once I was 16, I am 17. Time running out like sand, soon the hourglass shall turn for me once again.

- May 6th, 2023
11:15pm. This doesn't even seem real. I know it is, but it doesn't feel like it.
217 · Mar 2020
Numbers & Letters
Jay M Mar 2020
I try and I try
To prove I'm more than
Numbers and letters on a computer screen
But so far
I'm still a small fry
Still, I'm not a fan
Of those numbers and letters and their sickening sheen
Commanding my life around
My hopes tossed to the ground
Of everything I had dreamed of
I'm no dove
And my love?
Those letters and numbers took that too
Nothing's as easy as two plus two.

- Jay M
March 10th, 2020
It's funny how your grades can control your life..
217 · Apr 2019
Drowning Out
Jay M Apr 2019
Drowning in an ocean
Of emotion
Torturing me
Unable to break free...

- Jay M
April 5th, 2019
216 · Oct 2019
Innocence
Jay M Oct 2019
Innocence
So small, so pure
Tender and mature,
Yet somehow
Lacking

Innocence
A child at heart
From others, so far apart
Unaware of the placement of words
Giving an entirely separate meaning

Innocence
So small, so pure
Mind secure
Despite attempts to tamper
With the delicate camper
In a woods of magic

Innocence
A child at heart
Ready to play the part
Yet, is it true
Through this hazy view?

Innocence
So scarce in these times
Foolish with these rhymes
Interpreted and tainted
But unaware of such
Picture painted
A gentle touch
On the shoulder
Whisper of explaining
Drop of a boulder…

- Jay M
October 28th, 2019
I was telling my friend about a kiss, and they thought I meant something else entirely. The minds of people these days are in the gutter.
215 · Aug 2019
Bit #3 - Call
Jay M Aug 2019
Silent
For seemingly an eternity
Saying nothing
Not a single sign of life

Then
Out of the blue
Comes the call
Announcing life still lingers
In this barren land

- Jay M
August 2nd, 2019
214 · Jan 2021
Curious
Jay M Jan 2021
Sky of grey
Clouds of palest hue
There are many things I wish to say
Great and small, all for you

Imaginably soft
Compared to cotton fluff
Gazed upon from a dusty loft
Full of old trinkets and stuff

Gifts hidden away
Cards and letters bound to stay
Beneath layers of time
Next to paintings of yellow and lime

Cobwebs left by content spiders
To be gazed upon by curious writers
Moved on for better prey
Webs left to be cleaned on an unseen day

- Jay M
January 13th, 2021
213 · May 2019
They're Watching
Jay M May 2019
Words
Trying to escape my lips
Hands moving at the speed of sound
Can't keep still
With all that I long to say
Yet keep bottled
Toss it to the sea
Leave it
Floating
For someone to find

I want to smile
To say
I'm truly happy
But
I don't know
I just don't know

What are the plans?
When?
Where?
How?
An answer would be nice

I know she said yes
But did she say anything else?
Soon, later
Big, small
Holy, nonreligious
How will you do this?

Where am I in all this?

Throwing the petals
Carrying the veil
'Cause I don't know
If I'll be able to breath
So scared that I'll ruin it all
On your special day
Redone for her

Once more
I ask;
Where am I in all this?

Will I be forgotten
Or be smothered in love?
Will I be what you want me to be?
Please
What is my role in the end?

The reminder of your failed 1st attempt?
The failure you dress up
To be your pretty little princess?
Well, I'm not that type of child

This storm is rising inside of me
And I don't know what to do

Not tell you
Hell no
But what then?
Take that rage
Confusion
Everything
Put it on the page
Send it away

The look on your face
Looking at the crowd
What do you see now?
I'll be seeing you now
Taking her by the hand
Dressed in white
Dancing to your song
Trying to make me
That picture perfect girl

But I'm not perfect
I'm not something to be paraded around
The truth is;
I'm not a good girl
I'm not your trophy
You weren't the victor
Of the last marriage
Because there is none
So stop acting like I'm your trophy
Your gold medal
For making it out alive

I'm your daily wake up call
You messed up
And now I'm here

But I'm still here
So what now?
Dress me up
Show me to the crowd
Saying,
"This is my girl,"
"from my 1st wife"?

Whatever you say
Whatever you do
Just remember
They're watching you

Watching us
The family
Oh, and remember
Don't get me started
On the girl of your girl.

- Jay M
May 7th, 2019
Just putting my thoughts on the page...
212 · May 2019
What To Do
Jay M May 2019
Wondering
What to do
Lost in the waves
Of uncertainty
And confusion
Thrashing around me
Tossing me to and fro
Like the kelp in the ocean
During a tempest.

- Jay M
May 7th, 2019
211 · Oct 2022
"You look nice today"
Jay M Oct 2022
“You look nice today”
I say every day
To you, beautiful boy,
And happily I’ll say it
Until I have words no more,
Or even without words,
For I only need eyes,
Or perhaps hands and lips.

- Jay M
October 11th, 2022
I wrote this on a small piece of paper, folded it into an origami pigeon, and gave it to the guy I like! I told him not to lose it, and he said, "I tend to forget things, but I'll try my hardest not to lose it."
211 · Jun 2020
The "Great" Hike
Jay M Jun 2020
Exiting a vehicle of fading black
Looking about
But not looking back
Eagerly setting out
With a pack in back

Only but a few miles to the real start
This day, starting at the very bottom
River of black rock and a strip of yellow paint
Below eager feet
Trekking up, not stopping for the heat
To the left, tall hill of dry brush and crumbling rock
To the right, a great rocky edge
Overlooking a grand sight
Of distant hills and the city

People ahead, talking of the journey
Laughing and prancing about
Soon I'm passing them,
Getting ahead
Eventually stopping to see the view
Only to hear a distant shout;
A name, called in the wind

Time to turn around?
Leave before it has truly begun?
Sad, indeed it is,
For it was with great disappointment
And great sadness
That lay deep in my chest
As we dragged down the hill
Maybe another day to complete the rest
But oh, this day is not that day.

- Jay M
June 28th, 2020
For Father's Day my family went hiking. It was supposed to be a total of 9 miles, but my family got tired once they almost reached the 0.6 marker. I went ahead, happily, but had to turn around and go back down with them. It was sad- I had hoped so much to go on a long hike. Maybe another day.
210 · Aug 2019
Anticipation
Jay M Aug 2019
Anticipation for the inevitable
A rush of adrenaline
Coursing through my veins
Telling myself I'm okay
Lying to steady my heartbeat
"Relax, it'll be okay."
Yet, such is false
For my mind is a minefield
A pile of rubble
Left to settle the dust
Determine the damage
Before it's too late
And I'm too far gone.

- Jay M
August 26th, 2019
210 · May 2019
Bang
Jay M May 2019
Minutes, hours
Tick
        Tick
                Ticking by
I can sleep when I'm dead
Get it out of my head
Out of all of their heads
It isn't over yet

The memories will forever scar
Forever roam far
Strangling those who know
Living again and again
Taking more and more victims

Holding my breath
'Til my body turned blue
Meet the shadows
I've got everything and nothing to lose

Trusting so easily
Falling so fast
Not realizing
Then it hits me

So much for being happy
In the days that remain
It's not like I'm dead
But I might as well be
Living on such a breakable thread

It was everything
Everything that I wanted
Yet
Something missing
Then I caught up
And
Bang!

- Jay M
May 22nd, 2019
207 · May 2019
Didn't Stop
Jay M May 2019
Coming back
From a land unknown
Far beyond reach
Yet right in front of me

Flashes of memories
Crashes
Faster and faster and faster

They didn't stop at the red light
That red light
They didn't stop at the red light

Less than a foot away
Only inches away
From chaos
Screaming in terror
Then going on like nothing happened

Saved by chance
So what is this?
The one in ten?
What if, then,
If we hadn't seen them coming?

Broken, probably
Bleeding
Shattered glass
Moments flashing
Faster and faster
Until all is but a blur

None shall ever be known
For such didn't happen
They didn't stop
But we did
Just in the nick of time

- Jay M
May 6th, 2019
In the summer, some person ran a red light and almost crashed right into the drivers side of our car. Almost right into my mom.
206 · Feb 2020
Talk With My Fiend
Jay M Feb 2020
Longing
For one of the only things I cannot have
Locked away from me
At least I can be
Three months sober
On March 2nd
Just give me a second
To catch my breath
And stop myself

I see the cord and lock
Thinking maybe if I took a rock
And hit it
It could break open
Unlocking the liquor
Then an image likes to flicker
Reminding me what I said
I made a promise
Not to drink
So I think

For a long time, I think
"I won't take that drink."
But then again,
Something in me,
A fiend,
Wants me not to be cleaned
Wants me to be tainted
To be painted
Like a picture
And plastered

So I argue with said fiend,
"I have been cleaned,"
I say to it,
Trying to reason,
"and I made a promise."
Then the fiend, "But miss,"
"what if t'were but a sip?"
This makes me think
Before I have time to counter,
I look in the mirror and encounter
My reflection
And in it I imagine myself
Holding a bottle
I don't want to touch the throttle
That could lead to that road

I am drowning in my own pain
I have little to nothing to gain
So I respond,
"Fiend, you beseech me;"
"think this is the opportune moment,"
"But I shall make this a restated movement."
So I take the fiend
Hold it in my grasp and stare
Down at it, in this nightmare
I ask it,
"Why, why do you care?"
It is silent,
Takes its turn to stare
And to ask me,
"Why, why do you resist,"
"when something to sooth thy pain sits there?"

I drop said fiend
Taken aback by its counter
So I sit on the bathroom counter
Then think with my eyes closed
How one such as it
Could tempt me so
Busying myself with something to sew
But I cannot be distracted for long
Not with something so strong

Whenst I was tempted last
I revisited something from my past
Let it take control
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Five and no more
Then, when I walked out that door
The tides had turned
Casting be into the waters of guilt
Causing my soul to wilt

"Fiend..."
I called
It was not appalled,
"Yes, miss? What ever plagues thee so?"
A smile upon its face
I reply,
"Old habits I thought I had buried - I tell no lie."
Then,
That little fiend replies,
"But, not the one thou yearned for not long ago."
Thoughts tell me to drop it, let it go
"Nay, not a drop has touched these lips."
The fiend laughs!
"But of course not - but blood loves to seep."
So there I weep
Fiend laughing
Winning in its own, sick and twisted ways
Eventually going to let me choose
What more do I have to lose?

- Jay M
February 26th, 2020
I've been tempted...tempted, but haven't done a thing.
205 · May 2020
Foggy Mind
Jay M May 2020
Uncertain of what's coming
Walking in a room with my eyes closed
I'm steady, so I'll keep running
No, how could I ever let go?
When all around me is crumbling to my feet
And there's nobody on my street
My lonely, quiet road
I travel with my dog
Through an invisible fog

Early hours I feel my heart racing
Like in my dreams there was something I was chasing
Leaving me breathless in my waking moments
Memories of the chase fleeing like rodents

None know the entirety of the chaos I've been wading through
In all of this time I feel that my strength grew
True, at some points it felt like I may have reached the ends
But then I talk to my friends

- Jay M
April 10th, 2020
*Found this one in my drafts. It was finished, but I hadn't done anything with it.
205 · Sep 2021
We Are
Jay M Sep 2021
We are
The new generation
The younger ones here
The new faces of the world
The new, the unknowns
The future of the world

We are
The youth
The people
The voices
The souls

We are
The learners
The students
The watchers
The unconsidered
The underestimated

We are
The inspired
The dreamers
The knowing
The open minds
The open hearts
The newest era

We are
The broken
The bruised
The beaten
The silenced
But we don’t have to be

We are
The fighters
The believers
The understanding
The new wave of change

We are the warriors
The advocates, the activists
The protesters, the soldiers

We are the people
The voices of the unheard
The bringers of a new dawn
The beginning of a new age

We are the future
The hopes of the world
The fears of the world
The newest force of nature

We are the change
The ones to turn the tide
The ones to stop the war
The ones to heal the world

We are the new generation
The ones to bring justice
The ones to bring peace
The ones to bring acceptance
The ones to change the world

We are
The revolution

- Jay M
September 28th, 2021
We are the youth, the future, the new generation. We are the hope of the world, the ones to change it. We are the revolution.
205 · Jun 2019
Hidden Garden
Jay M Jun 2019
Seated
On the ground
Some seek to destroy
Others, so meek,
Tender and mild
Tend to it
Live in this
Wilderness

- Jay M
June 4th, 2019
204 · Apr 2019
Close Friend
Jay M Apr 2019
You were my flashlight,
Guiding me in the dark,
Smiling with me in the rain,
Then you stopped,
Let me go,
Never let me back in,
But what did I do?

I have always been there for you,
And still will be,
But why did you throw me out of your world?

Dear friend of mine,
Why lies in that mind of thine?
Did I,
Some way,
Do you wrong?

Talking to you,
Spending time with you,
Asking to see you over,
Or go over,
Do those normal things,
Wasn't that enough?

What ever happened to the sky is the limit?
The night we spent together,
When I held you,
While you cried,
And talked to you,
Helping you,
Sneaking out with you,
Yet, what does that mean to you now?

You act like I don't exist,
Making every excuse as to not see me,
But what is it all for?
What for?

I wouldn't mind,
If you just came back,
If you just were my friend again,
Treating me like a human being,
And not like a stray dog.

No matter the reason,
I would come running back if you called,
I would run into the burning building,
And carry you out,
Nurse you back to health,
And stay with you.

If you ran in fear,
I wouldn't chase.
I'm not ignorant -
I know when enough is enough,
But please,
One day, once again, would be nice...

Maybe something as gracious as an explanation;
A reason why I was made a wraith,
Sitting alone in the rain,
Instead of by your side,
Where I long to be...

If this is creepy,
I apologize,
I only mean to say
I miss you,
And wish,
So much,
To know why I was ghosted...
Or at least to be your friend again...

- Jay M
April 3rd, 2019
I just hope one day you'll be my friend again.
203 · Dec 2020
Dreamlike
Jay M Dec 2020
Everything feels dreamlike

Nothing feels real

With each strike

Of a worn match

Smoking but never catching fire

- Jay M

November 18th, 2020
Everything has felt dreamlike lately. Not sure why.
202 · Feb 2023
Scar Tissue
Jay M Feb 2023
Find me here, dreamer, my shell, a vessel,
Container of all, all that which plagues,
Haunted soul, tainted, stained and surely bruised,
Unseen hands, shred me, my every fiber,
Tear into the dark, simmer in my bones,
Seeth beneath the skin, boiling marrow,
Scorching skin, flay me, piece by bleeding piece,
All torture, all pain, felt in the expanse,
Here eternally, trapped in my amber,
O forevermore, surely as I breathe,
So too does the day, o forevermore,
Beloved spider, give me thy venom.

Midnight whispers, o, fade into the dawn,
Screaming in hatred, bleed obedience,
Bitten tongues scar over, strained voices may heal,
Alas, not a mind, a tangle of flesh,
Encapsulated, entrapped within bone,
My chamber, my skull, here they ricochet.

Words, sharpest of blades, points oh so countless,
Numerous are they, true, I know it true,
Some self-inflicted, so monstrous indeed,
Dragged across, branded, told, now written bold,
Hidden from view, o, only mirrored,
Reflected mem’ry, only scar tissue.

- February 8th, 2023
201 · Dec 2020
Curses Or Peace?
Jay M Dec 2020
I curse thy name
The one whom dare
To attempt in severing the string
Of red, tender loving fate
Stretching beyond the realm of reason
To bind a pair in eternal bliss
Oh what a test,
What a test of such lengths!

I curse thy name
The one whom dared
Allow me entry into their abode
Only to be cast away
Nevermore to return
To thy fortress of cold stone

I curse thy name
Oh maiden of faces
Viper in disguise of garden snake
Venom dripping from thy cruel tongue
Perhaps poisoning not only thine enemies
But those held ever so dear and near
To thine jagged pit of a heart

I curse thy name
The one whom dare
Not seek the existing truth
Offered to thee in full
Ever so stubborn, as a bull

Perhaps things may become peaceful
All to one day be clear as crystal
If yee only wished it so
Perhaps we could let it go
If the other could but understand
What the other holds in their hand?

- Jay M
December 15th, 2020
Something I dreamt about. How strange...
200 · Apr 2020
That Spring Breeze
Jay M Apr 2020
Lured and confused
Like a fish
But was it ever a clever lure
All was well
For that I fell
Then brought into laughter
All truly is well
Or so it seems
Please be true
For peace is bliss
T'was you I did miss
Still do
But hearing your sweet voice
Was like breeze on a summer day
Sweeter than honey
More gentle and soft than silk

Making me laugh too
A wonderful surprise
Oh, what ever to do
When I'm stuck here and you're over there?
This doesn't feel fair
But it's alright, I don't mind

Making me dance like a ribbon in the hand of a dancer
Twirling all about in the spring breeze
My heart is somehow at ease
Everything is alright
Or so I'm lead to believe
But all is well
There's not a thing I could tell
As I sit here and listen to the ocean through a shell
But that I'm hopeful as ever
Light as a feather

Indeed, I'm a little excited
But can you blame one such as myself?
It's so strange when you're so far away
But so close at the same time
As though I could reach out and caress your cheek
But all I'd be touching is the spring breeze
Hoping it would be carried to you
Telling you I'm still here
Hoping for something
Anything from you
That tells me
It's okay

The stars tell thousands of stories
But their silence is painful
Looking up and wishing
But no response from those glimmers of light
That could save me from internal fright
Then comes the soothing spring breeze
Putting my fast-paced heart at ease.

- Jay M
April 27th, 2020
Hearing his voice again was wonderful - I just wish it were for longer.
Oh, dreamy wishes...
199 · Nov 2020
Where Do I Fall?
Jay M Nov 2020
With the things I do
Day in and day out
In almost every waking moment
Trying to meet that line
Maybe that's the borderline
Of possible
And testing patience

No matter how hard I try
Do what you ask of me
Get by and through
It'll never be enough
Not for you

I try, I do something nice
Then you turn is around
Weigh on the day
What you say
Poisons my mind
Stumble and hit the ground
Tell me what you find
So I can understand
Just what it is that drives
This deep poke and pry
Into all I do
As always
Never good enough for you

Once
Just once
Can something I do
Come without a lecture?
Can it, instead
Come with feedback
Rather than an unforgiving pain?

Can there not be one good night?
Day without a fight
Of a sort and of course
A day without plight?

Do any of my words
Make sense
Or do they merely fall
Upon cold deaf ears?

Will you hear my plea
To let me be
Just let me go
And heed it so?

Do my words
The vastness of them
Have any effect?
Do they not linger
In that mind of yours?
Do they not have meaning
Nor reason when it comes to you?

Does anything I do
Within these cold, chilling walls
Hold any significance?
Do my efforts mean but a thing
To the likes of you?

- Jay M
November 13th, 2020
To the one who I live with who never seems to understand, nor even hear me. To the one who has to pick apart my day, finding any reason for me to be restricted.
198 · Sep 2020
Butterfly
Jay M Sep 2020
Fluttering through the storm
Delicate beauty
Amidst a symphony of madness
Lingering sweetly in the sadness

Wings of colors
Never to be seen
By the butterfly
Only those
Who admire it so

Spinning in the black
Falling so slow
On wings of silken touch
Keeping from falling down
Down below

Please
Dear butterfly
Don't you cry
For before you does lie
A beautiful swarm
Of others
Searching for you

Leave them not,
Dear butterfly
For your time
Has not yet reached the end

Butterfly


- Jay M
September 14th, 2020
Butterfly...don't go.
198 · Jan 2023
Ends
Jay M Jan 2023
Sitting there
Supporting a friend
Dropping the note
Handing it over
To him...

For a moment
Things are okay
All is still
Then
The storm breaks loose

Standing
Bash it against the wall
Punch it, over and over
Then storming away
Pulling off the covers
Throwing it aside
Bolting...

I walk
Away
Hide
In the bathroom
Lock myself in the stall
Cornering myself
Curled up
In a ball
Of fear and confusion

This is the world we live in
This is the way things are
I feel it
Hitting me
Knocking me down
Like a wave

Where are my feelings?
Inside,
Finally showing through
It kills
I destroy what once was

I said I didn't feel it
He felt it too much
I broke him...
I broke him...

Covering my ears
Half an hour later
I am found

"Kid? Kid?"
"Hey, I found her!"
"Hey, it's okay, it wasn't your fault."
"Come here, it'll be okay."

Held by those who love me
This cause
The hurricane
Is loved?

I had a feeling in my stomach that I hated
Hearing it made it lurch
He promised
He wouldn't try
But there they were

They stopped it
Held it together
All let loose
Ran, bolted
Eventually brought away
Safe...

But what is safe?

Just promise
You won't try again...

Just promise
You'll be okay...

Just promise
You'll move on...

I know he'll never read this
Never see through my eyes
Even so
I care...
Just know I care...
I'm sorry...
I just couldn't live a lie

Crippled by who I am
And what I have become
What I did
Ended
It almost cost a life...

- Jay M
May 20th, 2019
(technical errors, oof)
195 · Apr 2020
Embrace Eventual Confusion
Jay M Apr 2020
We say we know things
Alas, when we think of them from a new angle
All is obscure
Like tossing rings
They do not tangle
Merely overlap like a shiny lure
Cast out into the waters of our realm
Realm of reality and curiosity
Of what we see before ourselves
Rippling with every new idea and exploration

Placing a shield over the helm
False protection from figurative atrocities
Peeking out from beneath the layer
To see nothing but the same, dust coated book shelves
Stocked with tomes from savings
Neigh, no explanation
For need one a reason for purchasing books?

Embrace me, presence of the one missed
Hold me until said one returns
Or until the dawn
For how can one rest on
After being awakened from a deep slumber
By fevered dreams
That by which upon awakening
Bring about broken screams
Adrenaline coursing through ones veins
It temporarily takes the reins;
Look about swiftly, ensure safety
For one may not know if what you see before yee
Is still but a dream or reality.

- Jay M
April 24th, 2020
What exactly have I written?
195 · Oct 2022
Our Love
Jay M Oct 2022
Our love is a spinning chair.

- Jay M
October 13th, 2022
194 · May 2019
What Am I?
Jay M May 2019
I fear what I am becoming
What am I saying?
What am I doing?
Am I insane?

Where's my shame?
On the inside...
Where's my guilt?
Threatening to break lose...
Will I let it go?
Maybe...
What am I?
I don't know...

- Jay M
May 7th, 2019
191 · May 2019
Secret Safety
Jay M May 2019
Twisting the knobs
On comes the water
Crashing, drumming down
On the tub floor

After a moment
You step in
Absorbing the warmth
Embraced by the pattering droplets
Soothed by the simplest of things
Eased into a sense of safety
Naked, yet somehow,
Never more clothed and protected

Inaudibly, rivers run
Down your cheeks
To your chin
To the floor
Crouching, close to the ground
From whence your ancestors came
Longing to claim you

Too afraid to stop
To turn it off
To emerge into the open air
Yet
Flesh turning pink
Like that of a kittens nose
Signals you it is time
To cool down

Slowly, carefully
Standing
One last moment in embrace
Caressed by the water
Then
Going through the motions...

- Jay M
May 28th, 2019
191 · Dec 2020
Trouble Of Possibilities
Jay M Dec 2020
Visions of days yet to come
Perhaps never at all
Possibilities vary
By the thousands they flow
Ever so hard to let go

Return to a memory
Untold words fall
Right into place
Then they all fall
Into the void
Of the waking world
Back into the mind
Where such things belong

Tales never to be told
In the least never in bold
Perhaps tucked away
Never quite to stay
To be whisked away at a moments notice
Gone away from view
Hopefully not even seen by few
Remembered by none
As all comes undone

- Jay M
December 8th, 2020
188 · Mar 2019
Haunting
Jay M Mar 2019
I sing myself a quiet lullaby,
The melody haunting,
I stand wraith-like in the moonlight,
My flesh paler than my ashen soul,
"Just a little while longer..."
Comes my cry,
My hand extended to an unseen figure,
In their own so terrible,
Bringing me to life with a look in the eyes,
So beautiful, reflecting that gentle soul,
"Come back to me, dear one",
I call, but all is silent.

- Jay M
February 21st, 2019
187 · Apr 2019
Human
Jay M Apr 2019
I could use a hand sometimes...
I am only human
So imperfect
So strange
Yet so much like others that it scares me;
On some levels.

On most, we are as unalike as day and night
As sky is to sea
Or as large is to shrimp.

I fall down
I get hurt
So easily
But nobody can see...

Being left out in the dark,
Being punched in the face,
Stabbed in the back,
Kicked to the curb,
Even so far as demonized...

Then again; was I not a demon all along?
That's what they keep telling me
Branding me with this thing...
This parasite that has burrowed deep within,
And won't stop until it has consumed me entirely.

- Jay M
April 2nd, 2019
184 · Dec 2020
Transformation To Come
Jay M Dec 2020
Beauty comes from pain
Strength comes from struggle
Bravery comes from fear
But love cannot come from hate

When will the pain turn to beauty?
When will the struggle turn to strength?
When will the fear turn to bravery?

Perhaps it's never to be known
Exploited by greedy hands
Kept away and controlled
Fear, struggle, and pain
Only put in bold
There spawns hate

- Jay M
December 14th, 2020
184 · Dec 2019
Identify
Jay M Dec 2019
How
In this world of trillions
Am I to identify
One such as myself?

Am I an old soul
Or just a tad odd?
Am I as small as I see myself
Or am I stronger,
Stronger than I believe myself to be?

What can I be?
How am I to do such a simple task
As to identify myself
When I see myself as something
So different
Than what others see me as?

Do I simply have no place
To roam this earth
With such a broad title
As “unknown”?

Or am I something
So bizarre and outlandish
With a title
But 'tis so old
'Twas forgotten?

- Jay M
December 9th, 2019
Just thinking..
183 · Feb 2023
Drag & Drown
Jay M Feb 2023
Drag across
Let it tear
Watch it ooze
Stroke after stroke
Get it under control
One way or another
Get a grip, little rips

Drift away
Thrash about
Drown it out
Before it suffocates
Drown it all out
Truth and lies
Pulled under
Far below

Choke the sounds
Load the rounds
Fire away, down
Down for now
To rise later
Same old ****
Wounds continually bleed
Sound or blood
Pick and choose
Drown it out
Before it burns
Suffocate in the smoke.

- February 10th, 2023
182 · Feb 2020
Valentine's Day
Jay M Feb 2020
For the first time
After a dizzying climb
I have my first Valentine

It’s strange;
After dreaming of having it
I almost quit
But my heart found a way
To say
I’m not alone
I can pick up the phone
And call
Mr. Know-it-all
My love

I’m happy
Instead of my usual bummed and ******
This may sound sappy
But I’m in love
And it’s freeing, like a dove

That red string that everyone keeps talking about
I think I’ve got it - no doubt
Tied to my finger
Oh this topic I could linger
The other end tied to him
Pulling on his limb;
My love, Adam.

- Jay M
February 13th, 2020
We're celebrating it today, since tomorrow I'll be off going to Winter Camp. He wanted to surprise me tomorrow, before I go for camp, but he gets out of school by the time I'm on my way to camp.
181 · Jun 2019
I Hear You
Jay M Jun 2019
In this moment so long
There is a figure
Standing
Alone in their sorrow
Wailing out their soulful cries
Wishing so strongly
To have said a proper farewell

Peace, peace
The blind wish
A divine, indeed
Yet so temporary
It only lasts for a moment
Before chaos breaks
With the turn of the tide

Hear me, oh sorry one
I hear your cries
To the fates each night
"Grant me love, to last forever!"
You cry
I hear
Longing to hold you
Alas, I cannot
For we are worlds apart
I cannot mend your broken heart
Even with the most infallible thread
It cannot be tended
Without collapse

Hear me, oh anxious one
I hear your cries
To the stars above
"Send me a sign,"
You plead
"So that I may know what to do."
You wish to know
I hear it
Your soul
Alas, I cannot help
Unless you allow me
Within those walls of stone

- Jay M
June 9th, 2019
181 · Mar 2019
Inner Riot
Jay M Mar 2019
"You see those scissors over there?"
One whispers,
"Those were meant for you."
It says teasingly,
"Take them, then take yourself."
It orders...

"Don't listen!"
Shouts another,
"You have a family! Friends!"
It tries to reason,
Them shouting back and forth,
Clashing with words,
Fighting with their own poison,
Battling until they are far too wounded to go on,
Hiding until the right moment,
Then repeating all over again.

"SHUT UP!"
I tried,
But nothing,
For they couldn't hear me,
But everyone else could.

Not really speaking,
But they do,
Not really there,
But it just makes sense,
Almost like a whisper,
Almost like a call,
Almost like I were a mindless corpse....

Thousands join the two,
Turning a simple argument into a heated war,
A once quiet prison yard,
To a full on riot.

None can hear their cries for help;
None but I.
None know just what I mean;
But that's not the point.

Take that pain,
Put it on the page,
Send it away,
See what it does.

I say send some,
Then burn some.

- Jay M
March 22nd, 2019
I'm alright. Just planning to burn my diary in the fireplace tonight.
181 · Feb 2023
Lost In The Vast
Jay M Feb 2023
Lost, out of touch
Isolate, out of sight
Within the vast
Endless expanse
Intangible void

Silent knowings
Confused, oh sure,
It was there, all along
Yet blind eyes cannot see
Deaf ears cannot listen
Muted voices cannot speak.

- February 11th, 2023
179 · Feb 2023
Today I Burn
Jay M Feb 2023
Slowly I burn
Breathe through the smoke
Scorching my lungs
Catch in my throat
Hands closing in
Tighten their grip
Red always fades
Fingerprints in my mind

Steaming water, pour over me
Cleanse my wrongs
Wash away the fear
Burn away my shell

Cover it up, give it time
Time heals all wounds, sure,
As I relive my own
Reopen, pop the stitches
Some just won’t go
Maybe not yet
Surely not today.

- February 10th, 2023
179 · May 2020
Dungeons & Dragons
Jay M May 2020
The world is being torn apart
Coming apart at the seams
Fabric of realities wearing thin
Cross through the shadows
Some of them fell
Away into it's madness

A lovely work of art
Nothing is as its seems
Nobody knows who shall win
Tell us, somebody knows
What can save us from this living hell
Bring light into the consuming darkness

Gather together, face the fear
We are all here
Stand together, battle side by side
There's no place to hide
If we do nothing
So stand, do something
For those who need you
Do what you know you have to do

Take to a tavern
Venture inside
Chat with the guard
Talk about the cavern
Spotted, nowhere to hide
Have a seat, discuss business
Calm thy selves, what a mess!

Take the job, take the precious cargo
This kid mocking me, think I'm gonna blow
Come on, we've got a job to do
Yeah, that includes you!

Go save your world,
While we save ours.

- Jay M
May 6th, 2020
A friend of mine started a D&D campaign, the party members being some friends, my sisters and I. Today we'll be having the second session, and I can't wait!
Jay M Dec 2021
Sweeter than dripping honey
Sweeter than a bakers sugar
Heart warmer than
A deep winter fire
Equally as inviting,
Even more comforting

Tender heart of delicate gold
Too scared to leap into the bold
Light of ever-bright day
Compliment every little thing
Those soft, smooth lips say,
"It's only the truth"

Delicate is the touch
Of October's wonder
Gently held moments
Embraces of longing
Desires whispered quietly
To winter fires

How buttons are easily pressed
And strings carefully pulled
Play it like a hidden melody
Only to stop before the song is done
The remainder left unsung

- Jay M
December 19th, 2021
178 · Jun 2019
The Inexplicable
Jay M Jun 2019
Everyday
It gets a little
Colder
I grow a little
Older

I do what I can
To feel alive
Prove to myself
My broken heart is still beating
But
It gets harder and harder
And when I fall
I shatter
Again
And again

When I'm put back together
A piece is left behind
In that world
Of misery
Lingering
Forevermore
In the inexplicable...

- Jay M
June 21st, 2019
178 · Feb 2023
Wondering Wandering
Jay M Feb 2023
Wandering,
Empty, dim lit road,
Where shall I go
But forward?
Eternity, indeed it seems
Miles still untraveled
Steps not yet taken
For here, o here,
There is only the long
Long foggy road.

Signs, they appear!
But oh, how queer,
A most strange word,
As nowhere!
No where, now here,
Not a place, not a time
Simply this, and nothing more.

Dense fog, dense fog,
What lies beyond?
Fallen tree, rotten log,
Simply there, without a sound,
For none could hear the fall.

- February 21st, 2023
177 · Mar 2019
Life..
Jay M Mar 2019
Life;
Some say it is simple,
But in truth,
A spiders web is nothing compared,
Never alone are you,
Each moment is shared,
Spared for memories.

Sung, it be a melody,
Spoken, it be a memory divine,
Come with me,
Tonight we dine,
Celebrate the wonderful,
Enjoy this life given onto us.

- Jay M
January 28th, 2019
177 · Jun 2019
The Ride
Jay M Jun 2019
Seated in the rain
Singing the same
Sad song
Playing in my heart
In my head
For only I to hear
To understand

Scared to live
Scared to die
Time races by
I'm just a passenger
But I'm supposed to be
The conductor
So why
Am I just taking the ride?

Laying back
On the edge
Here I lay
Paralyzed
Of everything
But really
Just one thing;
Me

Just feeling numb
No control
It's been a while
So
I suppose
I want anything
To have a little
Over myself

One...
I let the water run
Crashing over me
It's taking over me
Taken over me

Two...
Let the memories in
Replaying, over and over
Like voices
In my head

Three...
I hold my breath
Silently scream
Trying to let it go
But they won't let me go
These **** memories

Four...
I lift up my head
To the clouds
How it is to soar
I wonder
But
I shall never know
For I am bound
To the ground
Where I shall one day be
From whence I came

- Jay M
June 21st, 2019
176 · May 2019
I'm Not That Strong
Jay M May 2019
I know I'm not that strong
Struggling just to lift my head
Like an infant

Barely faking the smile
Dragging on for miles
Wanting to be free
But there is only one escape
That I can see
Staring back at me

The only thing that makes me feel
Kills me inside

It's better to feel something
Than nothing

The demons we're made of
Told to **** them
Yet I haven't the strength to

They were the ones that held me
When I was in my darkest times

They were the ones that got me on my feet
When all I wanted to do was lay down
And never get up again

So how could I?
I couldn't.
I can't.
I can't **** my demons...

I'm not that strong...

- Jay M
May 8th, 2019
176 · Nov 2021
Drifting Through Reality
Jay M Nov 2021
Floating between the lines
Of reality and dreams
Wide awake, or so they say
Drifting in the endless space
Yet not moving even an inch
Seated in a mumbling room
Of students and clacking keys
But...is that really so?

Can I interpret the signs
Or the internalized screams?
Is it even today?
I can barely retrace
My thoughtless steps and flinch
When they shout through the gloom
Have to figure out the mental disease
And force it to simply let me go

Find me hiding out
In between the lines
Don't scream, don't shout
It'll just keep echoing
As my brain defines
Whatever is left at all

Lost in a fog
Possibly fallen away
From all that is known
Patterns confuse, if even seen
Awaken unsure, deeply in grog
Unable to quite exactly say
What, inside, has surely been
For in the vast, I am alone.

- Jay M
November 3rd, 2021
Dissociation is weird. Perhaps derealization is the proper word?
176 · Aug 2019
Thump
Jay M Aug 2019
Thump

                  Thump

                                 ­      Thump

                                                        Go­es the heartbeat

Drip
          Drop
                    
             ­            Drip
                                       Drop

                                                     Drip
 ­                                                              Drop
                                                            ­                 Goes the rain

All the while
                          I'm sitting
                                               I'm waiting
                                                         ­            For the right moment
                                                          ­                                                    To say
I         i    s          o
      m   s         y     u


- J      y
      a         M

August 24th, 2019
176 · Feb 2022
Morning Lows
Jay M Feb 2022
Follow in every night
Into the bleeding dawn
Filtering through
Dark curtains
To greet sleepless eyes
Gaze glossed over
Couldn’t get much lower
Than the echoing cries
Of hidden burdens
On countless pages she drew
Her secrets to burn
In small private fires
Freedom from darker desires

- Jay M
February 17th, 2022
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