If tomorrow comes
   And I leave
         Without a trace
Not a goodbye
     Or an I love you more
Have a life of which you can say
"I made it."
  Although I'm not by your side
I'll smile down
   from above, and I'll make
It rains,  
   And with it, my tears fall
It'll be your birthday
  Smile, knowing I'm watching

My friends can't stop loving or wishing to find someone to love more
to find someone to hold them, to hold open the door
Someone to buy them roses when they go out on dates
Or watch a movie together, staying up late
But forever they go from person to person
to find the perfect match, to believe in true love
They hurt and they cry, holding their hands to their chests
Their trust was broken, and their needs continued unmet
To me, love is pain. And I can't bring myself to love anyone
Though I've tried..
Love cannot be trusted, and love cannot be held
Most of the time, love is unsuccessful for those who fall under its spell
If it's true that everyone has one, with a red string tied to each other
Someone perfect
Someone who is kind
Someone who will fit the needs of the other
When will I meet mine, or the others to stop the pain
Why must we continue to search for a treasure only to be in vain?
What if it's a myth
a fantasy
a folklore told tall ?
A secret, a story to keep hope when it continues to fall?
Humans are made to rely on others, to never hold on their own
With two pieces of a puzzle to continue evolution, to move a tower
to plant a beautiful flower, or other plants to be sown
Is it true that we're made in pairs
yin and yang, opposites always in some sort of constant compare
How is that love, and how is that peace
What if one is to forever sleep?
Prince Charming isn't coming, and a kiss will not wake
those who don't trust the world with their own fate.

Red, blue, green, purple, black, and white
water stained colors across paper
then lifting and pulling and dragging away
spirals. circles. round and round again
clouds against green and blue skies
and stars against soft velvet black
I always wondered what pinned them in place
maybe it's a thread,
wounded tightly by god's hands.
but maybe he pricked his finger on the thorn of the wheel
and fell asleep for a thousand years
these are the spirals, and the splatters of paint
that calms the beating in my chest
of the prisoner stuck in a cell, locked away
redo it, restart it, spiral again
over and over and over til the end
soon i'll build a bridge, held up by the stars
and from then comes the silver strings
tied and knotted and tangled once more
maybe I could untie it but my fingers get caught
and up i'll go
to the seat of the threading, then to the story of the loom
while the god is still behind me
sleeping or not....
maybe I could thread a little longer...
i could wind spirals and spirals
upon lives and lives
and not just in deep red, on paper or stone or skin
but spirals
carved upon the sleeping god's bones

Thunder bangs and children cry
hiding under their covers
wishing it all away
I sit, waiting
the rain slipping through my fingers
like every moment I tried to hold on to
how many days have I lasted, to this moment when I melt away?
How long for god's angry waters to flood this world? surely I can't stay
he had faith in people, and that itself is brave
to believe in a disease
forgiving not forgetting choosing who'll come and who'll leave
I wish I could hold the water
and have it cupped in my hands
like an object that is solid, grounding me
but water's not an anchor
and my shoes fill with sand
How long will it take for the waters to rise above my head?
despite the storm all is still
why am I most content
when there is a war
raging inside of me

Friends will come and friends will go
but here we walk, to travel home
side by side, step by step
here we ride, our thoughts in check
and the graveyard's only a mile away
and the reaper follows behind us these days
and if we had a stone each time we fell
I bet we'd have a stack as tall to climb out of this h*ll
So fly, fly little bird fly
fly fly breathe, please don't die
fly fly spread those wings, don't cry
birds are angels meant to glide, it's not your time
words that are meant to tell every story
but struggle to complete one
spoken songs that were supposed to tell the truth
when it was sung
kings will come, and kings will go
left to rule the ones who lost their hope
here they rise and here they fall
knowing that the earthquakes begin to shake what they built tall
and death is only a light year away
it seems so far, but it is getting close
and the people who follow behind as these days pass
bringing their children, mothers and loves
so fly fly little bird fly
fly fly breathe don't die
birds are fallen angels, meant to glide
here comes the messenger of light
it's not your time
here you'll listen
and here you'll die

May Contain Triggers

I cut all my hair, everyday
the black slowly drifting to the floor
I poured pink into my life, onto my head
to stain into colors, my vision going purple, black, then red
My once clean room piles up in the corner of my eyes
And I flinched away from the piles and piles of lies
to be ignored and locked away
just for another day
I cried all my tears, so now I sit and stare
And I for once can't somehow care
like I used to, and how I loved
many things, and grew flowers with my hands cupped
I wonder if time will forever stay still
so calm when war goes on, the murders. the kills.
I draw on skin, feeling far away
sitting there with rain dripping down my face
water to wash the blood, down, down, down
If I could hurt for my sins, maybe I'd get what I deserved
little by little,
and they all refuse to know or see it all
and I sit here with my heart starting to hurt
I stand at the edge everyday, below me I watch
the waters turn and churn into a whirlpool I can't stop
The bridge that I stand at is so far up, and I cannot see into the darkness
And reality soon begins to lose it's hardness
not sharp enough, not deep enough, not enough to lose it all
and they all believed they saw
but why did they believe I was worth it?
Even when the candles fell to create fire, but from me they were lit.
I look in the mirror, and see the pieces fall
and it cracks and beyond I hear a small voice call
If i'd made it in time, I would have made it there
But now my world crashes, and the voice disappears
so quiet, so sane, so protective, so safe
But it all still drops away
I listen to music, with the world drowned out
To watch it go by, quietly. Earth's calling in dispair
but nobody will listen
nobody will care.
Sometimes I sing, maybe because I know it will be my last
or maybe my past love I had then is now lost
Because this world goes so so fast,
and I don't know at what cost.
Every night, I sleep on the side of the bed
piles and piles below me,
and pressure and pressure from above
up I stare, and see stars I do not,
I look up at the ceiling with my windows still locked
I wish to be held, but to be never touched
to be called out to, but to me, no one shall talk
it's what I want, but I miss the old traditions
of losing myself in all the equations
I have no time, yet i have the world
though I wish I didn't
everyday I wake up, I'm afraid of the sights,
that I continue to see.
These memories I must keep,
this act I must play,
keep my mouth taped, or sewn shut
Maybe one day the thread will wear off.
But for now the waters fight itself below me,
and I wonder how it'd feel to jump
to take in a breath
and to let it hold me like  I let no one else
or do I still sit here as dawn starts to ring its bells?
We will see
we will see

I wonder why people cannot forgive, for even the things I try to hold slip away
I wonder why people cannot forget, for it seems far too easy for me
the things I try to do just fall apart and what I've built
is far too weak
I wonder why people can't cry, for my tears become a river
then it becomes a raging drought that I cannot help become alive
I wonder why people get angry, for my heart it cannot hold
when I come up in defense, I promise anger is not my sword
though sometimes I carry pointy daggers and pointy arrows
I promise that they're made of foam and of my own sorrows
what's outside is not in, and what I hold is not a sin
is it? is what I will question, but I cannot make it so
I wonder why people cannot see the world as it is
a snake in a garden, like the garden of Eden
We have become a parasite, one seeking to destroy
to live and protect a world we say is ours
I wonder why we cannot heal, and how we shy away from the sun
why I love the rain when they love the snow
and I the thunder and them flowers, they'd only know
I wonder a lot of things, and for those it'll never be
answered because this world is a strange place
that will not be here much longer
I hope that they'll know the destruction and the pain
while I search for something
to make this world even a little worth it

Water seeps out of every crack there is
a waterfall, a stream
weathering away at the mask she
carefully made
Her hair is spun
Floating, like a comet
carefully arranged
around the face
that she keeps in the shadows
shying away from the light
that will show who she truly is
Through the rain
the train's light
bounces off the metal rails
that she sits upon
a song
that she cannot sing
is in the air
A song
that will sing
her to sleep
a sleep that will not awaken
and forever
she will walk
this maze
A song
convincing her that the darkness
is just a warm embrace
rather than a dark cave
Her heart is made of glass,
carefully broken in between the layers
to create art
To be written and erased
upon that cracks that won't go away
to cover up
with layers
That chokes her, that holds
her
because nobody else
will
because nobody else
can
And the furrows and rivers
of her skin
that flows, and changes
with each emotion that is bred
To hide from her
but to show from within
Long since forgotten
lost ever since

hide
against
angry screams
nobody knew where we were
if they opened the door
us like statues
every second
shaking
blank
switched off
motionless
still warm
checked pulse
nothing
no breathing
fall back
dead weight
rising like a heat mirage
cry

Lines and lines and lines
upon skin, upon life, upon reality
lines I can see with my eyes
overlapping everything.
The world becomes a spiral notebook
written with dialogue
Yells, and screams, and whispers
crowds the page
Dreams becomes colors to splash
and stain
to overpower, and disappear completely
Black and white
becomes the paint on my palate
and chisels and saws as my brushes
To chip and chip away at the walls
that keep me locked
up
This cage is more lines
preventing my words from
ripping the page
that has become my world
fragile, stiff, uncomfortable
Something to hold me as I stay still
My eyes become just a line,
clenched into the dark
to not be able to see the world
that has begun to fall apart
My mouth will become a line too,
just another in a world of circles
To stay closed for words I know
will destroy what I have carefully built
around me
Lines and lines and lines
to distract me from the curved ones in
everyone else's eyes
lines and lines and lines
to carry me home when my knees give out from below me
So many lines
I cannot see
for lines over lines over lines
scars over top of each other
it stings
but I know I won't fall apart

World, forget me
For I am just another dandelion
blown away too soon in a field,
before the children came to play
World, forget me
because I am just another cut,
from the blade of society
To linger, and to disappear
World, forget me
because the seas will continue
to crash against the sands
and the clouds will continue
to rain against the ground
The winds will forever continue to blow,
world forget me,
because I'm just a candle
in a world of wildfires
To be blown out
once it kept someone warm
World, forget me
because my silence will bring peace
and absence will bring
a warm embrace,
to sweep across the lands
World, forget me
because one more window broken
is just another replaced,
forget me because
my breath will save
the one who needs it more
the ones in the closets,
the ones in the seas,
the ones in space
who can't come down to earth
World, forget me
because I am just one to the world
and none to one
so forget me, because
one more gone
wouldn't make a difference
especially one
lacking
everything
needed

will the rain ever stop?
Will the clouds ever run?
Will the water run clear this soon?
Questions
that will spiral down this whirlpool
that begins to build
as the rain pours

Smoke smudges the canvas,
and despite my best efforts
it starts to smear
as it runs down the pages and pages
And drains into the dark of the night
as the sidewalks become ice,
and the sky becomes light
Slipping and sliding
through the words that are meant to comfort
but I flinch as though
the words themselves raise their hands
towards me
Nights spent
curled
In the closet where I thought
I would belong
But the rain still pitter patters
on the top of the roof
that I tried to build to keep me safe
but still it leaks into the room, and onto the naked
parts of my arms, my neck
where I cannot let them see
For where they'd send me
i don't want to know
and for that I am too afraid

May contain triggers

Her eyes are blue, but sometimes they look green
or grey in the light, or brimmed with tears
in my lap, in my arms
she cried and cried and cried
questioning why
His eyes were blue, but they had yellow in them
Sometimes they would also look green, or grey, or sometimes black with his emotions that he kept to himself, questioning why
nobody knew, and why nobody cared
when his breathing became tight, and his arms
became sandpaper
and his body didn't seem like his own
Scared
full of fear
Eyes that saw and didn't see, eyes that would no longer
open and his chest would not breathe
and I would beg him to take a breath
that wasn't there
Her eyes were green, so green with glints of color
Loneliness became glitter that made her eyes shine
with gold, and silver that twinkled in the light
Her clothes stayed unfolded in the corner of her room,
and her necklaces stayed locked away
Her songs became silent melodies that no one would listen to
and the place that she treasured, she hated school
Her eyes were brown, from once blue they grew to black
like obsidian, with anger that she'd never tell
we'd all question why, and who hurt her
in this family of barbed wire
and glass eggshells
Her eyes that became amber in the light,
and the eyes that people ignored and avoided
the eyes that love too easily, but pushed away too fast
the eyes that cry, and cry
while punches get thrown
His eyes are green, but people say they're blue
from the grandmother to the child, they'd not shared much words
But he stays alone, eyes locked on a screen
because it's all he has, his father is miles away
his mother does not listen, and he looks in the mirror
with hate in his eyes, looking for the God he questions is real
begging him to listen, but he cries out with rage
Her eyes are blue, with dark on the outside
Her eyes are full of pain, and with anger
and with a coldness that isn't comforting
Her eyes are the ones I avoid, and fear fills me
if I stare too long,
Her eyes are fascinating, because they're not green
nor grey nor brown
they're the morning sky before noon has taken the day
they're the ones that went through all and went through none
always questioning, not feeling, always wondering
thinking past her worries, and thinking of a fantasy
Her eyes seem brown sometimes, her eyes seem blue
I can never place the color, perhaps they are emerald
maybe they are golden, or perhaps the color of coffee
they are the eyes of terror, of a child grown too fast
of a smile held by the child within her,
questioning her life, questioning her scars
drinking away her worries, drinking away her fears
Draining her sleep, so she'd get what she deserved
But it was never what she deserved
her are the eyes that needs to be held but cannot trust
hers is the eyes that cannot feel
her eyes is one of whom is lost, of whom can't find
something to grab on to so she is forever drowning
My eyes are brown, and always wishes to change
the color, the way it shines,
Wishing it would change into another person
who deserved the life she has
Eyes that spent childhood crying
In front of people, and stared into nothingness
the locations changed, slowly going behind locked doors
until it wasn't her eyes that cried, but her skin
the droplets slowly forming on her wrists,
down her elbow then down the drain
The eyes that are black, a void that cannot be filled
always thinking, never stopping,
even when sleep takes them, placing it's warm hand
on the lids
Until she wakes with no recollection
and thinks again of stained carpets and waters
50 feet below her
and windows into the ice that could drain
her energy into the earth
that she's beaten and burned and loved
into the life that she'll take into the one she'll hold

Im sorry, are the words I should have said
But sickening silence is what left instead
Forgive me, I should have begged
I was wrong, I tried but efforts become quicksand
And I know you tell me I fly but I promise you I can’t
I should have noticed, but yet I couldn’t
I wouldn’t, so convinced I shouldn’t
So now you have become an anchor for the ship you’ve built
Now your body has been used to keep me in place and afloat
Now you have become the dying sun in the night of silk
And I know you wouldn’t want it, but you’ve gone and I’ve lost hope
I know this was supposed to a push for me to be safe
But I can’t help but wonder if it was me that made you hate
The mirror, and the person behind it. Convinced you there was darkness
Waited a mile away as the bomb set off, and you became less and less
I’m sorry, is what I should’ve wrote with the stars I drew on your arm
I know your hurting, as the stars became ones in your vision, and the crash of the car alarm
Would be the last thing you heard, im sorry I couldn’t tell
I wish I would’ve been there, I wish I would’ve helped
Even if my hands began to slow, covered with your blood
I would hold you and sing a lullaby to let you know you are loved
Maybe then the angels would take you in like you’ve thought not
And even though you promised, I think about this a lot
So im sorry, I’ll say it now, im sorry for using the hope you’ve given out
Each a part of you and each a part of me, let me become what your story was about
Im sorry, forgive me, come back down to earth
I promise that I’ll listen, I promise now I will learn
I promise I will hold you like you never let me before
But I knew you needed it but yet I still walked out that door
You kept it locked for a reason but now I know it was a way to escape
You were keeping the promise so when I left it open, there was no one else you could hate
Im sorry
I hope you can forgive me though I know you won’t be beside me
I will try to become who you needed me to be
Because I don’t know what else to do from keeping me from following
Im sorry, because I’m writing to late
Im trying my best like I told you, im trying to stay sane
Will you accept my apologies, even when you are so far away?
Will you let me have another chance, will you let me hold you?
Will you let me say sorry until the empty space beside me is no longer new?

Words written into a letter
that I know you won't read
messages left unread
and I can't help but wonder if you've already left
Questions that become drawings upon my skin
the ink already stinging, drying
I've become the target in my mind, a thing to hit
Striking home, staying at home crying
Holding myself because you're so far away
but still I know you like a stranger, no matter what you say
Closer than I'd let,
closer than i'd imagined
just one year becomes life
and I have to let you go
I wonder what's holding you back
Is it all of the stories, to take you away from this world
Evil, evil world, with it's shadows
convincing you not to eat, less you get sick and hurl
yourself into oblivion, to not be awake
One last thing before you take

If we were made to write down our thoughts
and to draw out our pains
I'd have nothing to write
nothing to say
I'd stare at the paper, as you asked me why
I'd say sorry for something I couldn't explain
not to you, and not to them
these things are to be said and forgotten
a way to keep together, a way not to lose it
And if I could move again, i'd move my hand
to lift up the pencil, my body feeling like sand
Height continued to increased as they forced me to mark
down my problems, happiness, and skills
but what emerged became scribbles
to turn the paper black
the thing that I swore to you
I promise wasn't there, it was just the sense I lacked
If I were to explain how to say the words
I would choke on myself, to turn into ash
that's all that would remain

I think of falling, of the ground dropping away--- revealing
The thrashing waters from the storm ahead
I think of holding a breath that doesn't belong to me
Holding arms as tears silences screaming voices;
Until words themselves are lost in the soft skies
and trembling mountains

I hate the sunset tonight, because today it feels like goodbye
I hate the way it rained tonight,
Because it felt like a scream more than a morning sigh
I hate the way the stars shine tonight,
Because I can fade into time so silently
I hate the wind tonight
Because instead of a soft breeze, it's howling
I hate thinking of your eyes,
Because I see the pain I caused inside
I hate it all tonight, because all said before is a lie
I love the sunset, I love the rain
I love your eyes with all it's pain
I love the stars, I love the wind
Beauty always comes with pain within
So I love the sunset tonight
Even if it's goodbye

The day that faded into black, the mist that was thick
Tears that fell from the skies, the people on that list
I know that I told you , but I promise I'm not lying
I know that you don't believe me, but then why would I be crying?
I'm sorry that I hurt you, it's because I cared
I didn't know who to go for, I didn't know but I was scared
I thought I had a purpose, but I guess I'm just tied
I promise that I am these things, I promise I didn't lie
I don't want the day to fall, because then I will too
I don't want to go to sleep, because I might forget you
I know that it's not worth it, but where else do I go
This world is full of places that even I wouldn't know
A place up in the stars that seems to welcome my embrace
A world full of colors, and a world without hate
A world without torture, and a world without fights
A world without words that hurt, the fear of picking sides
Up above I could go, right here and now
Up above I could go, to escape from these words too loud
But fear keeps me in chains, and I know lord: You will question
Why I don't let go of it, why I choose to listen
And I know you see my scars, and me convinced I shouldn't
Believe in you, because I simply just couldn't
When in reality, I could, and I could hold them still
Even when I'm gone with my grave up on that hill
I'll become the night that blew up with color
I'll become the connection between two friends, or lovers
I'll become the air you breathe, and the water that you drink
I'll become the blood that you beat, and the vision that you see
And so...
Tears that fell from the skies, people on that list
With names that dripped from the paper, I've welcomed d*ath's kiss

Words evade me, often on this day, if I become more silent
Then would I be able to avoid my place?
Just one card bought me just half a day of smiles that even I couldn't keep off my face
And I wish I had said something if I had known what to say
Although you don't know, there are many reasons why
And even then, I'll ignore the day and pray for the gift of rain from the sky

Petals fall through time
Their soft color disappear
With a world of grey

The birds crow a weeping melody, trees clean of leaves
the smoke chokes the atmosphere, until even us can't breathe
I look upon the weary skies, the ones that fell so far
If only could this one last time I could see the stars
But the babies are all silent, the snow is blood ash-grey
The language that once taught us has nothing else to say
They tell us "Sleep now, my child. Don't worry, it's not there"
They tell us "There's no monster under the bed, no need to be scared"
But they don't see what we all see, as the pin drops in deafening silence
Sure the monster isn't under the bed, it hasn't been there since
The day that we all turned fifteen, we've long known it was here
Until the smoke cloaks our sight until even we can't see what is near
So the birds crow a weeping melody, trees clean of leaves
But at least the happy fools that brought us here think the air is clean
But everything is falling, as so does the weary skies
Holding our every breath, until even then it cannot help but cry

Go, my weary soul, go and rest
Go, my saddened thoughts, go to bed
Close your eyes for a minute or two
Calm your heart that drowns in blue
Go, my lost friend, and look upon the crying skies
Go, my lost god, and find the missing stars by night
Walk one more step along the journey with the weight you have carried
Set your eyes for the treasure, all the memories you have buried
So go, my lovely dear, go and rest
Go, one last time, before goodbye and make do of the best

You cry in the corners of the world, because the spotlight will blind your eyes if you were to step out
You cry in the darkness of your mind, because outside you know nothing else but to hold a smile
You cry in front of the lord, because he is the only one you'll let see your pain
What has this world done to you? What have you done to be destroyed?
How can you still be standing by the time the sun sets, by the time of dusk?
You cry among the stars, and you’ll only cry during storms
So then your tears would be hidden among those of the god

Your future shines bright from the heavens
I wish you'd see it for yourself
But instead, I watch your sad eyes look back
on pasts and regrets
and also continue on with a smile

Will you let yourself rest now?
Holding your hands over your face perhaps you can drown the rest out
Some memories will fade, but others will persist
Sometimes, every single thought is screeching loud
But others... You'll simply miss

Would it be such a bad thing to fall just once?
Thoughts flood, and some are screaming loud
Others will be missed, leaving without a sound
Holding your hands up to the sky, to catch the rain as it falls
And for once, I think you'll sit in silence with me.
But you never made the call

The winter feels so cold
Doesn't it?
Ice, cold barren ground
That even you can't walk through

The summer feels so hot
Doesn't it?
Hot, Suffocating air
That even you can't breathe through

The spring feels so nice
Doesn't it?
Is that when you'll disappear
Maybe you'll find something prettier
In the flowers

The Autumn feels so quiet,
Doesn't it?
Wet, drowning everything with storms
That even you can't sit through the rain

It’s not fear I smell, it’s future
Because even from then, I never imagined continuing on since I’ve lost her
Thinking over the moments where laughter coated our eyes
And life was a game, no mask, no fear of smile lines
It’s not fear I smell, it’s hope
There to hold you when time runs out, that’s the only way to cope
Imagining a world where fire doesn’t devour the hands of a hero
And ice taking the heart starting from point zero
A world where ties do not become knotted and tangled to let just one free
Where we hold hands with pain, interlocking with needs
A world where I never lost you
The story just keeps going and I don’t know how to stop the pages from turning
To bring you back to the place, but I know you’d be hurting
My own desires to be silenced shall keep you safe in a place where
I'm not there
Debating on the choice whether to stay or leave here
What would you want if you saw my face in your reflection
What if you saw the world fall before you even when you know there is no commotion
In the water below you, it’s brimming with shadows
That you think are monsters but it’s just an overdose
It’s not fear I smell, it’s the future
But that is the space where I am scared
A world where I could heal and a world where I could nurture
My love is a universe I cannot imagine
It’s not fear I smell, it’s you
Up above where I could hold you once again in my arms
Where I hope it is safe, but I know that my hands are only capable of harm
But still I reach for you

Each time I share my words with you, chains tethered onto every sentence unleashed
Held in silence, I can't help but love anything and everything
Life: So precious and beautiful
Like glittering glass on a night of shimmering velvet
Is this unfamiliar thing such a fragile treasure,
so tainted by my hands?

Tick
   Tick
           Tick
                      Tick
Does it count my heart beats
    Or the time I have left
I pray
For it to tick a little faster
Tick
        Tick
           Tick
                   Tick
The sun sets slowly
Does it too wish to go back to when it first rose?
      But also wish
To be at the end already?
Tick
   Tick
           Tick
                   Tick
It follows me everywhere
Could it let me be for a second?
Let me breathe
In silence

I want to go home, but I'm not sure where that belongs
In my heart, in their eyes, or perhaps no where at all
If only could I lay among the soft fabric of silence
Numbed by any sense of static, some sense of peace
If only could I find that small trace of sanity left inside these walls
But it's time to go "home."

If only
I could grasp the darkness behind their eyes
And thread them in between the stars
Of the newborn sky

Silent blankets covering your eyes, but yet you walk forward
Is there something that your flailing arms search for?
Blind, and deaf--- I know you can't hear me call your name
Or perhaps you can hear: maybe in my mind, those words remain

Paper boats, gliding across an open lake
We never thought it’d reach the other side
A note at stake that we thought would sink
In prayer that so will the thoughts we hid inside
The scent of lemons as we sat by each other
Crossing our arms over ourselves, protecting ourselves like our mothers
Should have, should have held us when they had the chance
But we are far away now
Our tears become kites that we fly up in the breeze
To have some sort of embrace, though rather cold
We know that where we go is up where we seem to be
But even our senses are wrong, our emotions not so keen
The smell of sweet salt dances in the air,
As if teasing our eyes once again
To be met with the cheeks until going down our cheeks
Into our hands in a closet
The sweet tang of lemon as a message is written
Burned, the repeated
Through this cycle that we once called life, a game we don’t care to lose
So once again we watch as the paper starts to glide
But instead of the paper boat so carefully folded
A plan with wings made of a feather sets free among the wind
Over the river, over the mountains, over that lake to what we’ve sent
Where it shall go, we’ll never know
And we hope for the words to drown again
To dissolve before reaching the dear God’s hand
Written of travels over his beautiful, broken land
We hope that it remains unread,
But he read our lips before the thoughts were even said

I watch him leave, yelling his fathers name
Rushed steps that only mean another day gone
I wanted this… I must know that it is true—
But each day that he’s here I wonder what went wrong
I wanted a better place but perhaps it’s too soon
But her voice, I’ve seen, has become soft
The faint whispers of loud screams became something I forgot
Perhaps I am too naive- too gullible
Perhaps I have fallen into the trap of words
Perhaps it’s getting better, but I remember the ghost of what was
And what is to be
Is this a right thing to believe? To dream?
Perhaps I imagined it all

If I could
I would go back
To take my weight off your shoulders

TW:b100d, g0re
Nights spent carefully watching as his smile turned to ice
Nights waiting for the call that I knew would not come
A butterfly that grew bright, was fated to fall and die
Leaving behind a world full of flowers and love
From their perspective at least
Nights that echoed from my thoughts racing from his words
Nights that screamed in my ear, the night sky wrinkling in my palms
Nights that I stayed unaware, foggy memories of terror and hurt
Staying at the window, watching for lights, fighting to stay calm
What have I done when his smile had grown too small?
What have I done, when he had filled up his skin and his walls
With drawings I couldn’t stop?
Bl00d is Ill-fated when staining the hands of a civilian
Easily turning a human into a monster that twists behind the mirror
A world full of people but still I thought you were one in a million
Biting back, I thought in a way that didn’t make it any clearer
But yet
The bl00d drips
My fingers become frozen ice that doesn’t feel, a world that seems so unsafe
I don't wait for your breath that has become empty
I had thought it was you all along, but the story is told in many faces
The ink that ran from our eyes were different colors, and I saw mine as black
But I know now it is red like the bl00d in your veins
Spilling out onto the carpet, spilling out of your head
It’s hard not to feel insane
And that smile, I realized, was just carved into your cheeks
The other side of the water, was not just my reflection
It was a strange thing to be seen…

Lights flash on and off along with the faint call of car alarms
A whisper of the breeze of this already freezing day
The air filled with murmurs of thoughts, thick with concentration
That would just fade back into the blurs around me as the lights change from red to green
Automobiles screaming at each other through the stops
Where did everyone have to go that was so important?
How did they see through this blurry mess that rests in my eyes?
Standing in the middle of the crosswalk, frozen
The stink of metal, and the smell of pastries
And for a moment, everything was silent—still
And the world was beautiful as it became clear
The scream of tires, and flashing lights, and——
Shoulders bumped into mine, urging as the students released from the day
And from their cloudy skies rained down into stomping feet that moved with mine
Into the screaming lights of the cars, back into a place where people rushed
To rise and to go back into the motions that I have memorized
As if eyes closed, because they might as well be blind
I can’t see a thing

I've left pieces of mysef in every place I've ever been
Under playgrounds, in closets, against the counter:
Everyplace I've tried to forget
Maybe that's why I'm ready to start a new life
Carve a new smile, a new pace over the one that was never mine
In some sort of reality, it's the god collecting those parts of me
Watching me trying to become someone I want to be--- Could never be
Suffocating loud; Where do I go now?
Where do I go back to collect those pieces to look away again
In my scrapbook
Each and every one with a note, but I can't remember where to look

Some days, I carry my heart in my hands instead of my chest
Sore from being squeezed behind a cage for so long
Finally free, it cries crimson tears; hating me although it knows I'm doing it for the best
"My child," I say, "I'd rather you be locked away than you to break and be lost."

Some days, I would rather live in silence than survive through quick fixes
Some words aren't meant to come, and I'm told it won't last
People come and go, and I want someone to care, but each time I end up with stitches
So in the end, my own thoughts are what I have

Some days, I collect my tears, sweat, and blood
To convince myself that there is something more in society
Spend my days looking at the storm clouds. The only tears I give up
Unnoticed, in the midst of the loud, I leave quietly

As much as I love storms, I can't help but cower under the clouds
Longing for some sort of bright light to push it away
So I bring down lines and lines upon these weary skies
Silent fog that settles bt atleast now I know fora bit this light will stay And I can focus on which is the right way
Even if it slowly kills me, day won't always seem like night

Those cursed with observer's eyes
watch without sound
in the loud crash of a city's downfall
Although a curse,
those blessed with those eyes
can build kingdoms
with just a look
But silent, they stay

How can one not be wary of the lord's
great skies
but be aware of every grain
of sand among the stores
How can one watch in quiet
as his superiors fall
but jump at the sound of a mere
whisper

Those cursed stand alone,
but yet everyone lies inside their heart
big, but empty
Silent but yet the windows of the souls
showcase chaos
I always wondered why his eyes looked so sad

I broke my rules for you  
   As the sky had broken with my rain
Twice did the swinging bells ring
      Twice did the windchimes sway
Twice were chances given for you to hit true
      But alas, both arrows missed the target
Because both were aimed for my heart
      And silent, bleeding, did I take the bow


I broke my beliefs for you  
      As each line was rewritten in red ink
Burning paper drifted into ashes
      Aflame as the memories started to leave
Twice did the sky thunder into sparks
      Twice did the match fade back into smoke
Twice was the love chained and retained
      But alas, a heart is wild and will escape its cage
And twice, did it return beaten and bruised
      So silent, bleeding, did I take the bow

The past cannot be changed
  But then why
Does it repeat in my head
  Like a broken record

Running to forget
    But every step
Becomes a name
----Everything I regret
If I become fast enough
Can I match the speed
of which it disappeared?

The past cannot be changed
   But then why
Has my mind become a graveyard
  of all my thoughts buried
Because it kept changing you

It’s these times of night
Of which I watch all the stars
Feeling like a child

Calming, is it not?
To be able to sit--- wait
And watch the clock tick

Voices keep me company, sometimes one, sometimes a crowd
O’er the mountains of withering roses
Comes black wine that slips down the wrists
Of which the shackles bind
They say to heal, they say to punish
But I just wish for one day of quiet

When they passed the paper to sell my voice, I signed it in a second
Kept my eyes to the sky, the consequences dire if I broke it
Promises pile up like unopened letters
My own words piling up behind a locked door
But if that's what it took to keep them safe
I guess I would just have to be brave
I watch others fall, and I reach for their hands
They're just out of reach, fingers brushing
Before I watch them turn to sand
Why am I so afraid? Why can't I fly away?
I could never make it far
If I told them what I scribble on my walls in my mind,
Would things become hard?
Would I break things, or again disappear?
Into the silence of the shadows, would I watch them there?
Or would I take back the paper, to watch my hands become free?
But my name is already signed, if that's what it takes to breathe