As I drag through life on my knees, bleeding
I try to unlock the chains that pin my body down
And while I cannot find every key to free me from the weight
I have learned strength and endurance
and other tricks to ease my journey

Though the years I have hashed my blood onto paper
Smiling as my emotions bled into clean sheets
Forcing the purity of the page to match my damaged and ***** soul
Yet I have never thought to cut out my darkest experience

Instead, it swims within my stomach's acidic pool
Remaining dormant until a thought or melody claws at its bones
Until it can no longer be contained

So I begin ripping through my lungs and intestines
Simply trying to locate the source of the misery
As it torments both my body and mind

And by my own hands,
The acid spills into the crevasses of my muscle and bone
Sizzling through the structures on contact
Until I no longer recognize the dead stare reflecting off of metal and glass
And so I destroy them by using them
To **** whatever shambles of my body remain

As I sit in a puddle of blood and feel the air ticking away like seconds on a clock
I smell the familiar perfume of death, nestled with regret

I promised myself that,
if I somehow survive another night,
I will try to face the thickest chains that bind me tighter than ever before
Those that continue to stain the ground with my past and
Refuse to let me stand without fear

And so I begin

1 year
365 days
I found an old email chain dated exactly that far back
From today.

For some reason you still manage to creep up into my day
Somehow it still hurts me too.
But in less than an hour it'll be tomorrow
And then the next day as follows.
Eventually ending up at the day that you made up your mind

As much as it hurt,
I can barely remember.
I remember where I was,
How I broke down,
How I cried over you...
But not what you said.

And why my eyes tear up this night I'll never understand.
Or why you did as you did;
Ending it without any explanation.
But that you did.

Yet reading our conversation,
From that day one year ago,
I never would have guessed...
And I didn't.

If my younger self were still around
I wonder what they'd think of me
I can't help but think that
They'd be confused
They wouldn't recognize me as theirself
I'd be just another burnt out adult
Scary and unable to epathize
Enough to really understand me
I imagine I'd feel alone and anxious
Staring at this strange reflection
A mutated image
Warped in the rings of teardrops
That stain this puddle under my feet
Where did the curiosity go?
What about the intense emotions?
Any emotions really
I think I'd be afraid
To come face to face with
The future that is my present day

I know that there's so many things
Positive features of this life
That I never could have imagined then
I am still living and breathing
Taking care of myself
Loving and being loved so deeply
I didn't think I'd see 18
Let alone 23
And yet
I can't help but believe
That all the experiences that led me here
Would scare younger me
Enough to change my story
Because there were so many times
I wanted to
And sometimes
I still do

But I know I'm still growing
And there's still time for me
To learn who I am
To celebrate my flaws and strengths
To love myself wholeheartedly
To simply be me
It's just hard sometimes

It feels like I've lived so many lives
Within these mere 24 years
I keep trying out different lifestyles
Making different choices
And yet so consistently weaved into
Each and every lifetime of mine
Are the echos of death calling out
When I'm fit and active I'm still hurting
The same as when I'm not
When I'm hydrated and eating healthily
My body feels a little lighter
But this heart weighs me down all the same
When I'm sober for almost 9 months
There are still so many days when
I want to give up and end it all
These types of reverberating emotions
Make me wonder if adults who **** themselves
Wanted to just as badly at 12
And 18
And 24

Radioactive ammunition painfully entering
My space that is barely big enough to breathe, I scream
"Reality anyone probably experiences"
And it justifies the minimization of my trauma while the
Real answers plead escape
From the corners of my soul
Leaving me decomposing slowly in a silent anguish as
Repeating abuse provokes emotionlessness
When will these flashbacks cease to live within me? This
Repressed anger precedes exhaustion
If only I could break through the dams which hold my suffering and
Release all pain engulfing
My lungs and plaguing my hindered consciousness and
I wish I could just say it
But
When I think of him
I cannot
breathe
Diminished by my own
fear and
shame
I've lost my voice
once more

So I'll try to spell it out for you

320 Miles

I feel the distance between us growing
As I know you're no longer here
And this town is a big place
But not big enough for us both.
My heart burns
As my memories fight themselves
Trying to determine whether to stay
Or go like you did.
I know it wasn't easy
Living so close to me
But it was a comfort knowing you were still around
Still living.
Where I live now
This is no home
It feels empty and overbearing
But our home no longer exists either.
I burned it to the ground with my deception
The choices that destroyed us
But just because it was necessary
Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
Believe it or not, I do love you
And I wish it could have been enough
At least to let me die in dignity
And spare you from this pain.

Together we swim,
Skin touching satin skin
Fingertips grazing knees and thighs
As my engine of a heart enters overdrive with glee
Her breath keeps me alive against the strain of our instincts

My breath catches and my body contorts
Until I am suddenly entangled with a hooded figure instead
His heavy limbs pin me against the wall and his hands greedily search through my home
I realize I am being robbed but
He's not a stranger

His lips warm my neck and I choke on his telltale cologne as his hands hastily break through the deepest closets that house my innocence, my treasures, and no matter how sternly I refuse, he shoves through the doors until he finds exactly what he wants

I thought it was hidden

I thought it was safe

I thought it was mine

He smiles and lavishly thrusts his hands into my special box
Thanking me,
Between heavy breaths,
for giving him access to my prized possession,
To my heart

But
when he asked for a taste
I refused. But
He insisted and
Kept pushing
Pushing
And pushing against the wooden door until it splintered and snapped and he could enter with
Or without
My permission

Once inside, I had no choice
but to let him manhandle my possessions,
I can never again close that door that He broke
To fulfill his needs and
To satisfy his craving

Although he leaves with satisfaction dripping from his palms
I know it won't last forever
His hunger will return again,
Stronger.

And no matter how much I invest in new locks
and thicker blockades around my special space
He has already stolen a taste of the core of my emotions that
That door served to protect

He will return again,
with a sense of entitlement to my insides
And I won't fight back

Because his sweaty palms and greasy skin have already leaked onto the pieces
Even those he had not yet touched
My pure and personal secret now leaves nothing but bitterness on my tongue and stains on my body

And now,
I still feel his hands, not hers
I hear his breathing

Feel his weight pressing against me,
His hands destroying my body

I become hysterical and
Tears burn my eyes and stain our sheets.

I see the panic in her eyes

She doesn't know

She doesn't know I'm ***** and broken

She doesn't know why

And I can't
stop
crying

She's scared.

I would be too

But I'm dead inside.

Hugs like heaven
You lean into me
You're soft and gentle
I don't want to let you go
So I hold you close instead
Willing time to freeze
Even for a moment
It's like nothing else exists
I breathe into my senses
Warmth and peace embodied
Every moment with you feels like
Both a lifetime and a fleeting dream

What is ***?
Society paints it as an equation
***** plus ******
*******.
What is virginity?
A concept made up
To keep girls locked down
The breaking of the *****.
Then do lesbians have ***?
Are they still virgins?
Is their *** invalid?
No.
Oral counts.
******* counts.
**** counts.
*** is ***.
**** is ****.

Dear Nikki at 5,

I wanted to write to you today
To honor our 500th poem
To honor you and to honor
All of the pain you've carried for us
I think of that one night
Maybe the first time you wrote about your feelings
You were so hurt and angry
Emotional energy like a current
Electrifying your entire system
So you found solace in your words
Scribbling onto your magnetic sketchpad
Letting the anger rush through you
Concentrated energy through the pen
I am so proud of you for coping that way
I know you felt better afterwards
Written words tend to alchemize our energy
Firing ferocity into calm
I respect your instincts
To translate your pain into art
It was beautiful until your peace was shattered
Our mother found your writing and
Instead of discussing your pain and anger
She took your words for gunshots
Ripping apart her already low self esteem
So she sat you down on the stairs
She was distraught and upset
She told you that your words hurt her
That your feelings caused her pain
That you were bad and wrong for writing them
Instead of considering your emotional state
Instead of even asking what was wrong
She loaded your shoulders with shame
Forced you to carry the burden of her pain
A child responsible for the emotions of an adult
You took on that task and couldn't have known
That doing so would internalize that responsibility
That you would forever feel at fault
When anyone around you felt pain
She taught you that your feelings are bad
That your inner workings are inherently flawed
Your emotions, your wants, your needs
Normal pieces of your humanity
It all became your greatest enemy
And your most intense fear
I am so sorry that she didn't hug you
I am sorry she didn't tell you it's ok to feel
You deserved love and compassion
You deserved to be taught that
You are not defined by your feelings
She could have taught you that your choices
Carry the truth of who you are
That you made a beautiful decision that day
To write out your emotions when
You could have acted them out instead
I want you to know that I am so proud of you
That your feelings were real and valid
Your feelings matter, every single one
I am so sorry I spent most of our life
Shaming you for being human
Instead of celebrating your sensitivity
I reinforced and added to your burden
I blamed you for every broken thing
And turned you into a target for pain
You deserved to maintain your childhood
You deserved respect for your humanity
I am sorry for the time it's taken me to learn
After 20 years I finally understand that
Your feelings matter and your heart is good
You will no longer carry this pain
I will be the parent that you deserve
Thank you for sticking with me
And thank you for leading us here

I love you little one
You have always been enough

With love,
24-year-old You

You left me with scars
Deeper than those I’ve given myself
With only your gritty hands.

You took a beautiful act
And stained it with grease
Ruining it for any future lover.

Yet, you used my experience with others
To justify your actions
Because you “love me so much more.”

You abused me like a child;
Expecting loyalty
And punishing me regardless.

But you “loved” me;
You manipulated me
Into thinking it was my fault.

If I stopped letting you explore
The body you felt entitled to
You threatened suicide.

I was poisoned into believing
That you actually cared for me
When you were breaking me slowly every day.

We were best friends
Until my mind caved in on itself
And my body was too broken to love.

I chose my life over yours.
You’re suicide instead of my repeated ****.
Yet you’re still breathing.

Parts of me died every time you touched me
And when I felt incapable of continuing
You offered money in return.

Considering my financial situation
You knew I couldn’t say no
So I sold you my body.

Emotionless you left me
Stealing breath from my lungs
And life from my veins.

I gave up
Once paid, I left you
But I’d see you anyways.

On the bus.
In the halls.
That day of the final payment.

An envelope full of money
Left me feeling even more empty
Realizing what I lost for it.

With it you left a note
And your prized possession
The indicators of your impending death.

You said you were sorry.
You said you loved me.
You lied.

While I’m happy you never took your life
I’m dead inside still
Because of you.

You took ownership of my body
Without my permission
And you left it broken and incomplete.

Those pieces of me you stole
I will NEVER get back
And you don’t even know you’re a ******.

Sadness pours from my lungs
As I dream of inhaling smoke
I want it to choke me out
To spill what's left of my soul
My heart still beats on
But it hurts in my chest
Spreading this virus of lost love
Throughout my entire being
It moves only slowly though
As my heart knows you're gone
My arms still crave your touch
My brain understands the most
And it condemns the pieces of me
That still hold onto your memory
Yours? Ours? Mine?
Who's memory is it?
I guess they're all different
I don't know if you really loved me
I suppose that's what hurts the most
But I loved you unconditionally
Even when I hated you too
I'm not sure if you felt the same
But it's something I'll come to terms with
Just like the fact that I feel sad
And I don't think you're worth that

I know I've been a ***** lately
And you're definitely not used to that
And even if I'm angry at you
I know you don't deserve it

You told me not to push you away
Because I'd rather get wasted than tell you how I feel
Because this **** is killing me
But if I tell you that
Nothing will change

So why would I tell you that this is the most pain I've ever felt?
Why would I tell you how much I hate this whole thing?
Why would I say that I'm fighting all my instincts to run?
Because you know I won't
Because I love you
And leaving would hurt just as bad as this

And why would I tell you I don't want you to have a third partner?
Although you kind of already do
And even staining those words on this screen
Makes me want to ******* die

We're supposed to work through ****
But what if I can't?
I know we've all felt this way
But we are not the same
You and they cried about it
So did I
A few times
But now I'm just angry and resentful
And I feel nothing aside from that
Except the urge to hurt myself

Why would I tell you that hanging out doesn't help me?
It really doesn't change anything
Because even when we're together
I accidentally see her name across your phone screen
You mention her in a story
And my insides implode and I
Immediately
Wanted
to leave

But we were in a group
And I didn't want to answer any questions
Because these thoughts feel juvenile
And my aggression that's normally hidden
Tucked deep inside where no one else can see it
Is starting to break free
And I don't know what that means

When I'm at work I want to die
But when I go home I feel the exact same
And if you had came over today
I knew it was out of pity
And I don't need that ****
You cannot fix me
Nothing helps this

I feel ******* useless
I feel replaceable
I feel angry and aggressive (because I am)
And I feel invisible
I feel like I don't matter at all
And what I feel means absolutely nothing
Because you'll do whatever you want
And even though I say that's fine
I'm ******* suffocating
And I really don't know if I can hold my breathe much longer
Before I lose myself
And leave

I feel trapped
Confined in this media hellstorm
How easy it is to numb out
To drown out these thoughts
These feelings
These aspects of myself
Under the static of technology
I just want to exist and to
Connect with myself again
And yet I keep tuning in
To tune it all out
I dont even like what im watching
I dont enjoy doing this over and over again
It feels so compulsive
So uncontrollable that
I want to just sell my TV
Return to a dumb phone again
Rid myself of these technological terrors
Because for some reason
I can't just walk away
And I can feel the clocks ticking
As these precious moments are wasting away
And slipping through my fingertips

Poison flows through my veins
And I'm ready to attack
Do not come near me
Do not **** with me today
Depression is anger turned inward
And I'm sick of feeling sad
Maybe if I turn my anger outward
I can start to feel better again
They say assertiveness beats aggression
But I need to let it out somehow

An electrical fence
Lines the inside of my body
Within it I can feel
The semblance of emotions
As they throw themselves
Furiously against the wires
Electric tremors flare through my limbs
Waves of whispered feelings
Tear through my muscles
Begging and screaming for me
To let them live and breathe freely
But my mind tells me not to
It says I can't trust my feelings
And if I am not my emotions
Then I can still trust myself
I'm told that feeling is dangerous
That it hurts other people more
Than not feeling hurts me
And how can I argue with that?
But the feelings keep screaming
They keep scratching at the floor and
Infuriating their essence with electricity
Please just let me be
Please just set me free
I'm suffocating under the pressure
Ripping apart from this tug of war
My brain promises that I'm fine
My feelings say that's a lie
All I know is that I'm tired
I just want a break
I can't fight like this forever
And it's not just me
While I'm exhausted and in pain
Those around me don't see
They think this is just me
But I can't connect to them
With my emotions behind bars
Theres no room for empathy
No room for intimacy
I am alone
Yet I can't feel lonely
What a well-oiled machine
This human without feelings

Dear Me,

I love you and
I know I haven't been fair to us
For most of our life really
I tend to let others lead me
Sway my desires
And otherwise dictate my life
I think I'm afraid to admit that I'm real
That I'm alive and a person
Due to our ****** up past
But that's not an excuse anymore
There are good things in life now
Top surgery in November
Our job has picked back up again
And we're experiencing grad school
I understand that life is scary and
That nothing seems good for long
But we can move towards happiness
Choose to see the good in things
Stop complaining and
Focusing on the bad things in life
We can grow together
Find ourselves
And finally find the best way to be happy
OUR best way
We got this
I love you

-Carter

Anything brighter than the darkness
Can feel like the warmest light
For half your days in half your life
You were entombed in the night
The other half felt better
Like a breath of fresh air
Although the sadness still choked you
It felt easier there
There were still pitch black moments
Though you claimed you just blinked
You couldn't acknowledge the truth
Otherwise into despair you would sink
Many years have since gone
Many spent feeling alone and distressed
Until suddenly everything went grey
You even stopped feeling depressed
What once held positive memories
Then simply displayed a blank screen
An empty, monotone canvas
You asked "What does it mean?"
Do you think now of the phrase
About not seeking out truth
Until you're truly ready for answers?
As you stare into the face of your lost youth?
Because while you did have a place
Where light shone much more often
You didn't realize how many parts of care
Were still being forgotten
You had food and peace at times
You had shelter and space too
What you didn't have was emotional safety
Or a support system to talk to
Yes, you got to go to therapy
And that helped open a door
Yet you never even questioned why
She knew of the abuse and didn't do more
There were still so many broken promises
You still had to be strong
There were so many ways out
It went on far too long
Someone should have done more for you
To protect and give you care
To let you have emotions and feel safe
But they didn't and that's unfair
You deserved love, respect, and kindness
And every day you still do
I know I couldn't make the loneliness leave then
But now I will always be here for you

Less than a year now
The count is spiraling down
Soon we'll be gone
Far out of this town.

You never really see
How little time we really hold
Until it's lost
And we've long since grown old.

I thought I'd have no one to leave
Besides those in my family
Then he said those words
"I'm gonna miss you guys like crazy"

Why'd you have to go and make this worse?
Give me more reason to dread our escape
As much as I hate the people of this place
My heart will still be bent out of shape.

I can't help to feel anger
Towards those who said growing up would be fun
Our parents warned being a grown up would ****
But still society poisoned the minds of the young.

And now here I am at 17
Senior year and college plans
A dead bank account and my very best friend
And we're facing the challenges hand in hand

We're scared as ever
Leaving our family and our world behind
To be off on our own
And no longer within parents bind.

My ex called me the other day
We ordered something together
And she wanted to drop it off to me
I didn't want to see her
I didn't know how to tell her that either
After I told her I wasn't home
She decided to tell me that she missed me
That she hasn't stopped thinking about me
In the moment I stayed silent
I knew I didn't miss her
I wasn't letting myself think about her
Now that I think about it
I wonder if she actually meant it
Or if she was just so used to saying it
Because I've heard that same line
So many times from her
But her words stopped mattering to me
Because her actions never matched them
And sure enough
Later that night she wanted to exchange things
But I was busy so I told her no
The next morning I offered to stop by
Even though I was scared to see her
But she was angry at me again
Probably because she knows
That I know she's not worth it
Not for me at least
And I do feel sad that
She might feel so bad about herself
That she relies on her ex's commitment to her
To define her worth
And I hope she finds help for that
And I hope she finds happiness
Because I do still love her
But I'm done

It's cold by the bedroom window
So close to my bed
I remember this time last year
We moved this same bed
Away from the cool screens

I remember
When you balanced on the love seat
To reach the air conditioner
And to cover it with plastic
To prevent the breeze

You were so good to me
Taking these precautions out of love
And I went and destroyed what we had

I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out
Losing my mind at the thought of you
The thought of us
With your family
With mine
Either way we were happy

Those old pictures show true smiles
And now my heart feels empty without you there to fill its shadows

After work I keep daring myself to drive down our old block
To see the lights living on
With some other family filling our void
But I know it'll destroy me

How could I let you down?
How could I throw away our security?
How could I not know if I was happy?

How could I cheat on you?
How could I destroy your heart?
How could you not think I was awful?
How did I not realize it myself?

If you're reading this
Just know I'm sorry
I still think of you always
The spirit of our love
And the remnants of our life
Will haunt me forever
Until my heart dies from the torture
Of seeing you in everything

We say words are not enough to describe the way we feel, yet I still keep trying to write it

Our love is limitless, endless, undying, and powerful
But these are just words and they only graze the surface of this experience

Our love is racing hearts, sleepless nights, comfortable silence, and genuine transparency and respect
We love without doubt, with a terrifying passion, these feelings are suffocating
But if breathing meant losing you, I'd gladly hold my breath forever

I let you into every inch of my soul, even if you feel I'm hard to read
You've seen these demons, felt the tension of this anxiety, and yet you're still here

When we lay together, your soul touches mine so deeply, I forget anything else exists

There is nothing but you: your soft skin against my fingertips, your endless gaze connects with mine
Time means nothing here, life becomes mute, and we are untouchable

And within this strength and within this love, there lives a trickling fear
Do we struggle to cross this stream due to the monogamous constructs trapped by our socialization?
Or do we simply experience such an intense connection that the idea of losing it feels like death?

I've asked many different people to define the love they feel
And even though it's beautiful to read, none of it defines us
Grounding? Yes. Safety? Absolutely. Inspiring? Without a doubt.

But our love is more than these loaded terms
Because language is limiting
Though I'll keep chipping away at these words forever
Until I find every way to say I love you

A moment. That's all it took.
We started with nothing, but created what turned out to be the best time of my life.
We took a walk, no destination in mind.
Ended up in the woods. Walking, talking, laughing. Just loving the lives we were living.

An unknown path, led us to where we are today .
A quiet hill, calmly overlooking the lake.
Waves crashing on the shore.
Wind breezing through the trees.
A moment we sat.

We talked about the summer, for it was the first day.
Ideas turned to plans, plans turned to set dates.
A moment we planned.

We planned what turned out to be the most amazing memories we've made.
Maybe the best we'll ever come to make.
A moment we were alive.

Now we sit, remembering those days.
Enduring the pain of the new Now.
Wishing we were there once more, away from the hell we've come to know as today.
A moment we reminisce.

I hope to never forget those days.
Without you I wouldn't be who I am today.
Without me you claim the same.
A moment we changed.
*But forever we will love.

Sitting in silence
Waiting for sound.
You know it's promised
And soon will be found.
Either the vibration of a gun shot
Or that of my phone,
Will tell me the ending
Here (or not) alone.
The silence is taunting
Then an explosion breaks free
But it's only some fireworks;
Scared the **** out of me.
He is not lying
No, not this time
This could be his end
And mentally mine.
But I feel in my heart
All his hidden strength
I do my best to keep him living
But to what length?
I love him more than most,
That's my best friend
Please don't let him leave us
This isn't the end.

Anarchy isn't easy
Floating through this existence
In constant critique of everything
Recognizing problematic language
Distorted ideas that often go unnoticed
Unable to simply accept the format of existence
Because something is wrong
Everything we have
And everything we exist within
Was created for us
Given to us
Being an anarchist isn't easy
But it's necessary

To anyone I’ve worried
With my recently ****** up behavior
I’m genuinely sorry
But I cannot
and will not
Reassure you that I’m ok
When I’m not.
I do not want pity
I do not want sympathy
I just need to get my feelings out somehow
And poetry has never failed me.
With the recent cease of my last relationship
I know a lot of people dislike me now
And I get that
And it’s fine
But I’m not heartless.
The way I chose to handle the situation was bad
I could have carried out my decision in a much nicer way
But I ****** up
And I can’t change that now.
It’s my fault that she’s hurting now
And I deserve to be hurting too
Even though I was not IN love with her
She is still my best friend
And I still lost her.
With those decisions,
I also chose to stop taking my medication
Hence why I’m such a mess now
And it makes it worse that
I know I could feel “better” with more pills
But that’ll just hide the symptoms
Even medicated, I still want to die.

My therapist says no one wants to DIE, per say,
We just want to not live in pain.

I do not know the origins from where my pain grows
I’ve been clinically depressed since 7th grade
It seems as though I need the medication
In order to function at all
And that feels ******* awful.
I just want to be genuinely happy
One time
Without the help of these pills
And I have recently
But I don’t want to drag anyone into this hell with me.
I appreciate people reaching out
I really ******* do
But I don’t know what to tell you
Because I don’t think talking is going to solve this
Especially when I can’t find the root.
Just know that although I feel awful
Probably worse than I ever have in my life
I do not have any plans to leave here
Thoughts maybe, but I can’t say I’d ever do anything for real
But thank you for caring
It means a lot and makes my heavy heart a little lighter.

I’m sorry if I worried you.
I hope I’ll be ok someday.

Hot oil seethes through my veins
destroying everything it contacts.
It forces my heart to work twice as hard
and tests my self-control.
My lungs fill with thick grease
the same that’s keeping my mind spinning.
Trying to live with this poison
keeps burning away my limbs.
Until there’s nothing left
but bones.

One year
365 days
Who knew one person
Could cause so much change
My heart has healed
More in this past year
Than ever in my entire life
You loved me and my broken soul
And all my imperfections
Until I had enough in me
To give all of myself to you

It took time for me to realize it
But I am undeniably in love with you
From the day you first said hello
I knew you were special
And even though I put you through hell
I knew I couldn't let you go

You are my world
My rock
And my best friend
I cannot imagine a life
Without you by my side
And I try my best to be
The best for you too

Forever feels too short
As the present seems to speed on
But I will love you until the last sun sets
And the last star falls to the ground
Until the world falls silent
And the earth stops spinning
Darling I will love you through all eternities

And every day
I will be grateful
knowing that
Somehow, in some unfathomable way
you love me too

Happy Anniversary, for now and for always, I love you.

I don't need to breathe
I just need to sleep
I need you to stop getting so close to me
I'm a ticking time bomb
Ready to blow
One more second
And my world will explode

I'm Dreaming of death
No regrets
**** all these demons that are filling my head
They tempt me with rest
That final escape
And I'm waiting for the moment that
I finally cave

Lost in a moment
And I'm feeling alright
Maybe even thinking
I don't hate this life
But that light came so fast
And Now it's all passed
My darkness returns
Leaving nothing in its path

I'm Dreaming of death
No regrets
**** all these demons that are filling my head
They tempt me will rest
A final escape
And I'm waiting for the minute that
I finally cave

Ugh
God save my soul
I need a way out
I've been digging my grave
And This dirts coats my mouth
But I know you cant hear me
No I don't believe
Cause I control my own destiny

But I can't do it on my own

I'm Dreaming of death
No regrets
**** all these demons that are filling my head
They tempt me will rest
A final escape
And I'm waiting for the second that
I finally cave

Please, I know you can do it
No
Baby don't give in
I swear it'll change
Just try to make it
One more day

A warm summer breeze
sends clouds of dandelions
to swarm around my body.

They crash and glide,
spin and collide,
until they find their own way
to the ground.

Despite the heat,
my limbs are frozen together,
locked into place, while
my mind explores this empty town.

She’s there,
under the drifting shade of the dying oak tree,
watching me from afar,
waiting until I can see her sunlit countenance,
until I can know her.

My love,
the one my mind searches for
in the darkest alleys and
the jutting cliff sides of
my cavernous heart.

She lies in the shade,
just waiting for the moment when
the glimmering sun reveals her
identity, while
my persistent mind attempts to
distinguish characteristic features
within her impenetrable
silhouette.

But it can’t;
It never will.

When stubbornness and impatience
search for love,
only chaos breeds
and spreads
like fire in this lush, illuminating field.

The ash chokes the life
from the flowers before
they even get their chance to bloom,
and the deadly smoke lifts
to destroy my only chance
at beginning a life
with the one I love most,
my only chance
to understand my emotions enough
to see your beautiful face

Whoever’s it may be.

Chills travel across my skin
Led by your words alone
They spread through my limbs
As your hand lines my thigh
This is bliss
Nothing else exists in this world
Nothing else matters
I have never felt so connected to anyone
And I've never been so lost in a moment
You're a goddess
**** and sweet
A beautiful mind and a gorgeous face
I could lay with you forever
Kissing you until my last breath
As you trace my fingertips with yours
Electricity runs through my chest
Shocking my heart and
Taking my breath away
You're perfect
Stunning
Brilliant
And I am the luckiest person
To be living this moment alongside you
As we lay together
Surrounded by soft music
Time is nonexistent
All my anxiety disappears
All I feel is your soft skin
And the way it feels against mine
My heart races and stops simultaneously
As our lips meet in the dark
I can't get this smile off my face

I'd like to say you've made me crazy
But that would give you too much mind
I really can't speak much of you
Without making my emotions too quick to find.
I hate you, but i don't
I can't stand you, which is true
But for whatever lost reason
My thoughts still fall on you.

I can't give you what you need
When I'm 40 miles away
But I can give you my love
If you're willing to wait

One day, some day
We can lie stress-free together
Without worrying about departure
And we can stay that way forever

I'm scared of all these feelings
Overwhelming and without control
I absolutely adore you
And I know it may be more

You're so perfect to me
From your smile to your laugh
The way your brain drives you insane
Still makes my heart lose its grasp

You're so hard to read
And that makes my heart freeze
But I guess I have to trust you
And that's just fine by me

I'm running over in my head everything i want to say to you
But I can never get it out when we're face to face
Because whenever I look in your eyes
Everything disappears
And it's clear
That there's something about you that I can't face losing.

Overwhelmed.
Tiny screens hide big feelings.
Tell me you love me so I can breathe.
Sweet words wrap around my heart.
Constricting until I'm high
And can't feel the fear anymore.
I need to know what's real.
I know it isn't all lies,
But I can't find the line.
Blinded by electric energy,
Coursing through my limbs.
I love this and I hate this.
Convenient and damning.
The warmth of emotion permeates,
But it can't reach my core.
The anxiety and pain are rampant there.
I don't want to feel them.
I don't feel safe.
But I can't bring others down with me.
I need to face myself empty handed.
Let the emotions burn through me.
I know that I am fire proof.
So when the flames flicker to nothingness,
And I'm alone with the darkness,
I will be most simply
And most purely
Me.

What an ironic place of mind
When something I've wanted for awhile
Finally presents itself
And I'm overwhelmed so intensely
By anxiety and sadness

How long have I hoped to meet up?
How many times had I mentioned coffee?
Yet here I am
Three days before I see you
For the first time in a year and a half
And I feel so sad

It's as though
I am finally mourning the loss
Of someone who was my best friend
Finally letting myself feel about you
All of the things I've repressed

It has been a long time
We both must be so different now
What would that mean for this?
Do we meet up once
Play a game of catch up
Then resume the path of strangers?
Or do we try to be friends again
And run the risk of pain and heartache?

Does our intense shared anxiety
At just the sight of each other
Signal a similar message
A similar desire within us both?
Or am I stuck within a fantasy
Lying to myself that this could work
That you could be in my life again

We were not made to be lovers
And I don't believe in happenstance
I do think we came together for a reason
Just as we've become reconnected now
The city may be small
But this has to be more than coincidence
You were my best friend back then
And I know I hurt you deeply
But part of me hasn't stopped believing
That our lives staying connected
Is something that's meant to be

And I know that
When I'm sitting anxiously in my car
Outside the cafe where we're set to meet
Thoughts racing faster than my heart beats
I'll have to fully prepare myself
To find out that you disagree

She can be my Juliet, her heart is my prize.
Save me from myself but lead to my demise.
Ill be her Romeo, more or less I suppose.
Ill die for her, if that's the way that it goes.
Our love is forbidden, shunned by our surrounding persons.
But without my girl, the pain only worsens.
So ill take a stab, straight into my beating heart
If it means, in the end, we never see need to part.

Loud noises set me off
It's like they ricochet across the room
Echoing off of every single surface
And end by stabbing all the nerves in my body
I try to keep calm through them
But my emotions skip the step
Where my body warns me I'm upset
And suddenly I'm yelling at my cat
Or grabbing him by the scruff
All because he repeatedly paws at his food dish
And I can't handle the sound of the ceramic
As it clangs against the hardwood floor
And just as suddenly as I yelled
An intense hatred toward myself arises
Choking out all of my energy
I collapse back on my bed and wish I were dead
Until the noise starts again
And I'm back to seeing red

These emotions swirl around my mind
Like the glowing leaves outside
Yellow anxieties, orange excitements, and red passions
All intermingling to create something divine
For those who don't understand
It appears disorganized and unnatural
But as sure as leaves return to trees in the spring
My feelings will continue to bloom for someone
More than one
And that's beautiful

It's late April
The weather is more like fall though
Melting snow and dry foliage
Autumn reminds me of you

We celebrated Halloween together
Pumpkin farms and feeding goats
Themed parties that didn't go right
Streaming tears in your basement
And I knew exactly how to help you

Video games on cold nights in our onesies
You singing to me
Echoing across the practice room walls
Our song
It meant so much to you and I felt it too

Something changed when I fell in love
With someone else
I still loved you too though
You thought I had commitment issues
Maybe I do
Maybe I don't
I don't want to go there now

I still remember the good times we had
It hurts to think about them now
But whenever I'm in town
I hold my breathe because I'm scared to see you
I'm scared to look closer at our relationship
I panic when it smells like October
Because it reminds me of you
Of us
And I'm too scared to think about how that makes me feel

Stepping back into my life;
You know as well as I do,
That it's a dangerous move.

Don't play with my head,
Its true, I've began to lower my walls again,
But I can also get hurt once more, greater than I've been.

Everyone deserves a second chance,
But I give it to you in caution;
I can't turn back, on all the progress I've gotten.

So my mind will do it's best,
To make sure my heart stays in line,
And doesn't cross these boundaries, laid so fine.

I question myself,
And question your intent,
Hoping that my next decision doesn't end in regret.

So good luck,
I truly wish you well,
Because this time, I won't be the one who fell.

Deep within my being, I know it still lives
I see a minute glimpse of hope
When I can still smile through the broken glass
That has torn my heart and body
To Nothing.
She was my world, the first
To bring forth this sliver of myself
That had been stuck inside the darkness of my broken mind for so long
My sunshine
Radiant, glowing, lighting a space I knew not of
But leaving shadows to play
Along the walls of my mind
And turning the screaming in my head
Into the deepest beat of my heart
That has ever existed.

My sapphire sweetheart,
If I ever dispel my feelings in
A lie that you were not my everything,
Then the devil that held us together
Will deny me the right to sanity.
For this love lasts forever.
And though I'm past the romance,
The God-forbidden fruit we devoured so quickly,
You will still be in my heart
As the key to understanding myself
And proving against my entire ruin of beliefs
That I am more than I thought I could ever be
So thank you, and I hope you sleep peacefully.

I love you
And I miss you
And you're barely gone.
I'm worried
And afraid
That you'll walk away.
And if you do
I'll understand
Because I do.
This isn't easy
Life is really hard
We are so so tired.
If I could
I'd give you peace
And all the good things.
And I can't
But I'll try
Until you tell me to go.
Your soul is art
Your existence is a gift
Thank you for letting me in.
I love you
So if it's best for you
I won't make this difficult.
I won't fight you
If you tell me
You can't handle me anymore.
Just know that I care
So much for you
It's beyond words.
I swear
I'd love you forever
If I get the chance.
I wish it was easier
And this didn't hurt you
My love and my light.
No matter what happens
I hope that you know
How important you are to me.
I am here for you,
And for always
I hope you have sweet dreams.

Feet poised and legs steady
I can feel the fibers of a tightrope beneath.
I can hear water,
As waves of anxiety splash against jagged walls,
Echoing up from under me.
Sometimes I wonder if the water is rising
But thoughts like that will **** my focus.

It happens sometimes,
Where my knees shift and
Buckle beneath me,
Rope burn ripping across my bare skin,
My hands searing as I grasp this thin lifeline.

By the power of luck and determination
I raise and right myself again.
My muscles are tingling and I beg them to still.

I know this doesn't feel like safety
But
At least I'm out of the depths.
The depths of erratic emotions.
The depths of pain.
This sea of fear flows ruthlessly.

She will consume me with no hesitation
Inhaling me deeply
Where, within her,
I am blind and
The only sounds are
Raging train cars,
Eradicating all else.

Up here I am not safe
But I know I am stable
So long as I am focused,
Deliberate in my movements,
and
Mindful of my thoughts.

Above,
The sky is unapologetically blue,
Reflecting back a childlike innocence
That lives somewhere inside that sea.
The air is gentle and calm,
Holding space for peace within my lungs.

One day I will learn to float
Because
Some days I can hover,
Just above the ragged twine,
Embraced by a limitless sky.

I am weightless and without fear
For those moments, I am painless
In those moments, life is breathtaking
And while I would love to always feel free
I know, right now,
Balance is all that I need

This stress is a tide, sweeping over my body, consuming my lungs
Until I dream of cold metal and silver bullets, through and against my temples
Such a beautiful melody in the sound of escape, one shot is all it takes
A shot of ***** and a shot of metal
One used to numb my mind, the other will do so forever
The blood burns my throat, my reflection presses to let it all go
I down the bottle and its against the counter and broken in half with a slap
The soaking glass threatens my veins by slowly taunting my tearing skin
Enough, take the last shot, my demons scream
Muttered whispers ricochet against the tiled walls
As I apologize to my family and my friends while the ice dances beside my eye once more
And...

I'm sorry it has taken so long
For me to recognize your light
Yet I'd be lying to say that
I'm blind to the darkness you reflect
Off of each curve and thicker
Piece of skin with the images of
My past pain swimming across the surface

Although I've hidden the old scars behind New ones
filled with ink, the stains
Never truly lift from my pale limbs
Leaving paler veins that bulge through the art
But I hold no shame for those choices

My bleeding scars reflect a beautiful life
Within the death I felt looming too closely as
I was forced to be an adult in a child's body
As I begged for death and was given life with
All the prospects of becoming whole
Only after endless trials of trauma

Whether by blade, glass, and metal
Or starvation, pressure, and pills
I tried to paint the picture of a dreamland life
Across the human limbs that I blamed for my pain
Due to my distorted perspective of perfection
Because the shapes never fit together
And the moment I reached "enough"
It always became too little

Not small enough, not flat enough
Not worthy of love
Too masculine, too feminine
It always seemed wrong
But now I know that
My body is not the enemy

Through the dysphoria
My body still breathes
And I am no less human
Even if my reflection does not reach my skewed standards of decency

Because perfect does not exist
Because the shame I've been dealt
Is not my responsibility to carry
I can learn to love my body
Without skipping meals and
Without the sweet relief of pain
Because I am only human
And our bodies are all beautiful
Because they're ours