Do you realize that your smile could stop wars?
How could someone be angry in the presence of something
So rare and astounding
Something so innocent and heart warming

Do you realize that I notice you watching me?
Though you only do so when no one is around
Not often, but it seems I catch your eye on occasion
Or I'm just overly optimistic

Do you realize that your presence forces me into an unending state of anxiety?
How could someone like you
A beautiful, free spirit
Even exist in the world of
My dark and demented soul?

Do you realize how your flirting makes me feel?
The empty space in my chest enclosed upon itself
And I can't help but smile back at you
Regardless of my mood

Do you realize that I pay attention to
Every word, every time you jokingly sing to me,
Each breathtaking smile and each unnecessary statement
I feel electricity between us at times
Although I doubt you feel the same

But Do you realize that I am not available?
While I value you greatly as a human
And can acknowledge and appreciate your beauty
You are not the one I want

Do you respect my boundaries enough to not cross them?
Or would you try, given an opportunity?
And even if a part of me wishes you would
I know now that I would reject your advance immediately
Because you're not the one I love
Just a beautiful woman occupying the same space

Drinking all night,
Sleeping my days away
My demons don't drown
They swim on the surface
You want to get out?
I whisper Show Me
The key to escape is not running

Surrounded by green
The trees whisper their secrets
My heart is light and my mind is free
I stray from the gravel path
And find myself at a pond
The birds are chirping and the sun is shining
I think I forgot my sunscreen
It didn't matter though
In that moment I was alive
And one with the world around me
I breathe in the crisp air
It smells of leaves and the sea
As I watch the fish swimming
In the water beneath me

As the sun sets
and I turn to leave
I hear some footsteps
Catching up to me
And in my slow pace
I turn to see a young boy
His hair is matted
And he looks alone
Lost in the world as tears fill his eyes
I kneel down to speak to him
Ask him where his family is
He starts to cry as he speaks
Very few words but just enough for me

He claims no one loves him
That whenever he meets a new family
They get rid of him
Call him a burden
My heart hurts for this child
He can't be but 5
And yet here he is
The place of my peace
Seems to be his nightmare

I couldn't let myself leave
Knowing this little soul
Had no place to call home
I offer to give him a ride and a meal
While I call to speak to the authorities
His eyes brighten and tears threaten me
The sparkle of happiness is unexplainable
And my heart feels for him
So I lift him onto my shoulders
And we go home

No one knows anything about the child
His name appears nowhere and the police think I'm crazy
They come to check on him
But they can't see
How can you not see?
My mind is racing as I try to comprehend their words
They say I need some sleep
And maybe I'll feel better in the morning
I make a bed for him with blankets
And pillows from the couch
It's not much but it seems he's slept on worse
So he smiles and drifts off to sleep
I wonder what he dreams about

I wake up to a heavy heart
Tears choke my lungs
And I don't understand
Nothing has changed
It's just a new day
I head downstairs and the boy is gone
The pillows and blankets are tucked away
Exactly how they were the other day
Maybe I am going crazy

Days turn into weeks
And my heart still weighs on my chest
My muscles ache and now
I can no longer rest
I haven't left the house aside from work and school
I can't convince myself to do anything
But the weight on my shoulders
And my clouded mind
Beg for some relief
So I drive to the place that was my sanctuary
Until I met him

The grass has yellowed
And the trees have silenced
The sun burns into my skin again
But this time it hurts
I search for the pond but cannot find it
I walk for hours and still there's nothing
But a rustling in the brush peaks my curiosity
And as I break through the dying leaves
My foot sinks into a slurp of mud
A swamp lay before me
The water green and murky
I swear it can't be the same
Not the beautiful pond I witnessed the other day
I scan the water for the fish
Maybe that'd prove its different
But the same golden scales reflect back into my eyes
But there's something else
Something wrong
My reflection

I lean in closer to get a better view
A gasp escaping my lips in disbelief
Bags surround my eyes, which no longer sparkle in the light,
my hair flys in every direction
I see no life
I barely recognize it as myself
But that didn't disturb me so intensely
No, in those waters
The person that stared back at me
Was not alone
They supported something on their shoulders

As I look closer in disbelief
His eyes stare brightly back at me
But it appears we've switched
Because he has my glowing green eyes
And I have his
They're dark.
Empty.
His arms wrap snugly around my throat
And his knees dig into my ribs
He looks genuinely happy
And I swear I hear a whimsical laugh
Echoing off the water

And I realize all too late
That he was never really concrete
Only a concoction of my mind
A projection of part of me
A part so lost and alone
Playing the victim and
Begging for some attention.
And I opened my arms to him so easily

It's been years and he still haunts me
He weighs on my shoulders
Keeps me awake at night
Because if I sleep he's no longer the priority
While he drains my energy
I cannot imagine my life without him
He represents the deepest part of me
My damaged soul and empty heart
I chose to take on this responsibility
And my entire world has changed
The shadows haunt me on the brightest days
And the beauty i once saw
Takes a new form
as the dead inside of me.
Yet he listens when no one else can
He understand my fears and pain
As burdensome as it is to support him
I know, with him, I am never alone.

His name is Depression
*And now he'll never leave.

When all alone, true emotions become exposed;
the memories are no longer hiding within.

The pain and sorrow that are so often closed,
are brought to the surface usually concealed by the skin.

Smiles turn down with descending tears,
empty thoughts flow through your mind.

Goals and content have begun to disappear,
replaced with heartache so blind.

In time the light will amply return
and you can once again make it easily through your days.

Each heartbreak brings a new lesson to learn;
new emotions, new feelings, will start to make way.

So in a moment of weakness,
where it feels as though your heart is broken

Divulge your uniqueness;
to new opportunities your eyes will be open.

It feels so wrong to think of you
But even after all these years
We're still dancing in my dreams
I dont think I ever told you
But from that time I emailed you
I still thought we were meant to be
Writing usually feels easy
But with this I am terrified
I'm afraid you'll think I'm crazy
I don't want to bring you pain
I don't want to be so selfish
But these memories can drive me mad
I read something you wrote before
From that last time we hungout
When you thought I didn't care
I was distant because I was scared
It'd been years and I still loved you
I hurt you, and I loved you
I never told you it back then
Because I felt I'd hurt you more
I'd done enough, without making it worse
I know it's a silly thing
Since we don't know each other now
But I want to
Back then I thought our story wasn't over
That we'd connect again once we were older
But now I live across the country
And I'm too afraid to say hello

I know it sounds odd
But you've been on my mind
It feels wrong to say
It's been such a long time

I wish I could call it random
But it only makes sense
Everything would've been different
If I were this Me back then

I said I didn't love you
But I just didn't understand
That love is more than a feeling
Or just somewhere you land

Our connection was special
We built so much together
But I was young and dumb
And you deserved so much better

When we met up years ago
You said we weren't meant to be
And I never told you
You still meant so much to me

I know it's been years and
I know we're not the same
But I wonder how it'd be
To catch up on that change

We acknowledged our history
When we spoke recently
Although we didn't talk long
It was extremely bittersweet

I don't know who you are now
And you don't know me
But I still feel a connection
And I care for you deeply

I promise I won't disturb you
I'll let the past be as it is
Just know I'm wishing you the best
I hope you find happiness

Red lines red lines
Like tiger stripes
Across my shin
I want them across my wrist
My forearms and back too
Tigers are strong and fearless
Brave in the face of death
Maybe that's what I'm looking for

Head heavy
Chest empty
Brain swimming endlessly
Stomach churning
Throat burning
This broken heart is destiny
Spiraled thoughts
My mind is taut
The OCD attacks fully
These stupid lies
Waste so much time
As if you'd ever think of me

Sometimes bad things happen when you let people in:
It’s easy to be fooled by your feelings within
And harder to really see what hides beneath the skin.
Building up walls is simple and hasty
The perfect defense if used with strategy
But after time it won’t be so easy.
People try to break your barrier
The damage makes the threat even scarier
And you run because you know you can no longer carry her.
What’s the point in trying to protect your heart?
When you and everyone will always stay apart
Because your “genius” walls aren’t so smart.
She’ll give up when you keep lying
And you’ll blame her for “not trying”
Cause you now feel like you’re dying.
So stop fighting and watching your own mind
You’d be surprised at what you’d find
When you let her in blind.

Hallways of stone
My knees scrape against the cold lifeless floor
As condensation soaks into the fabric of my existence
I came looking for you and I found myself
Lost
Fallen before a door, densely metallic
No one in, no one out
There used to be light here once.
We could move through pathways freely
Tracing the space between our selves
Settling in one another with fluidity.

I am here alone now.

I write you letters often
Little invitations to return
Back to a place we used to be
Back when I could find you here
There was resistance then too
But you opened the door if I knocked enough
Fists pleading with steel gates
My hands are broken now
They were broken before but
Now
I stopped to bandage them

Do your walls have windows?
Can you still see me here?
Desperately craving connection
Hoping for a moment to see you
To feel your soul's energy again
For this hallway to hold life once more
Or am I invisible without the sound?
Without the pushing and fighting,
Do I cease to exist?

I know this isn't about me
Things are not that simplistic
But I thought
I taught you
How to love me


I tell you I feel disconnected
And you say You'll be fine
Right.
Ok.
I'm still here if you need anything
Still waiting in these damp halls
Alone with the hope of something more
Because I believe in you and in us
But I won't beg you to love me

I imagine colored dye
Floating through my brain
Showing the inconsistent chemicals
The lack of even concentration
A dose of something unexpected
And my eyes turn round like saucers
I feel everything so intensely
I can understand the inner-workings
Of the feelings I never understood
My obsession with lost love
Finally whispered it's truth
I do not regret where I am today
I simply miss feeling the happiness
That accompanies the memories that haunt me
I must come to terms with the fact
That happiness will return to me
If I stop hanging onto the past
And embrace the beauty of the unknown
That will bring me more happiness
Until then
I will allow myself to connect with myself
No judgement
No fear
No regrets
Just acceptance and
No expectations

Words
Repeated one after one
Burning deep
Stinging to the core
After years and years of pretending they didn't exist
Now they've found their way into my mind
Yelling
Clawing
Screaming
Echoing
Back and forth in my head
Maybe she was right after all
Maybe I am just a **** up
Nothing
Worth nothing
Doing nothing but damage
To all those around me
They're worth more than that
I am not.
'You deserve it' they say
'You'll never change' they say
It's never ending
Until the end.
Never changing
Until it does.
I need out
I need peace
But when the problem is myself
there's nowhere safe to retreat

Rock and mortar coat the halls
joining the dust upon the walls
Broken frames and shattered glass
A storm had come, destruction lasts
But beauty holds to the eyes that see
that sometimes endings set you free
A crack now cavernous
its depths threaten ravenously
Shudders, no tremors
Feel the violence
the world around you
succumbs to silence
               ...
               ...
...and then it speaks.
For once it all makes sense:
The pain and struggle have finally left
And you see it once, maybe twice
But it's there.
In her eyes you realize
You truly care.

Sitting here trying to make small talk, I'm going insane, we're all insane.
Broken topics over chips and salsa, god its so bizarre, I don't understand how "normal" we all are.
I keep my mouth semi-full so I'm unable to speak, I can't stand myself, ****, why am I so weak?
Why does this bother me so? It's like no one even knows,
the truth,
be told it's a mess, I can't stand too much more of this, someone relieve me from this **** before it makes me sick..
All the underlying problems...drink to numb the pain but those same drinks taketh life away.
And I don't mean with death, for life still moves on, but it's broken into pieces and it's better off gone.
Cause one needs it to stay strong and the other knows that lifestyle is wrong:
Substances don't bring you happiness, they don't fix your pain, they ruin relationships and families all the same.
But we sat and we talked, topics in no particular range, and what hurts is seeing how things both have and haven't changed.
The connection is there, but the love has departed; neither hope nor intention to go back and restart it.
And now we're driving away and nothing is said, no mention of the insanity that hides in my head,
No acknowledgement to the tears I watch my own mom fight back..similar to the sick truth the whole situation lacked.

Rest easy gentle heart of mine
Trust in the ways of the universe
Feel fully all that you can
Let your tears water the earth below
From the ache and pain we will grow
And a love like that we'll never regret

The mason trudges on
night and day to finish
his masterpiece. Clockwork,
he waits like a prisoner
yearning
for the jurisdiction to
fall in his favor. Each
opportunity: he will steal it.
Adhesive to stone and
metal support:
This wall will not
fall. No, this one he will not
let dissemble. Opposing the
prior ruin, plagued
with age and abuse,
the once damaging blows
instead drive this puzzle together.

Attend carefully.
Every door slammed behind
to shut me out,
Each painful stab in your glace
lancing through my chest, into
the black cavity life has consumed
into me.
He will work
to layer his project, this
projection of my cautions, until
the last glimmer of light disappears
behind the last stone in the
last wall. Now a true prisoner,
my mind lies
in contentment.

Electricity runs through my body
As I walk beside you in the darkness
Our arms brush and my heart drops
I don't want to be anywhere else

The cold wind doesn't phase me
I am entrenched in my excitement
The night is still and beautiful
The bridge tall and magnificent

We find solace in an old apartment
Where everything is empty and neutral
What a ******* contrast it is
To where I am with you

As we sprawl out on shaggy carpeting
Time ceases to exist
And despite all odds I guarantee
Somehow, somewhere our souls know each other

This peace and tranquility
Brings solace to the endlessness of life
A rare moment to breathe clearly
When I didn't know I was holding my breath

Everything inside me wants to hold your hand
And when our hands do clasp together
Explosions detonate inside my chest

5 hours of endless conversation
Laced with comfortable silence
And still, when we decide to finally leave
I wish we didn't have to

I could spend days with you
Doing nothing together would be everything
Your voice and your laugh and your smile
Make everything else go dim

I don't know why or how
The universe threw us together
But every moment since
I am undeniably grateful

I think there's something missing
An empty space within my brain
Is it genetics or experience?
Most likely a mix of both
It seems I only feel whole
When my blood is filled with drugs
Energetic electricity
Flowing through my limbs
Substances fill the void
The emptiness I can't stand
I wish I was more than this
Or simply nothing at all
I want to fade into the night
Float away slowly like this high
And instead of returning to humanity
I'll let the wind carry me home

I still wear the clothes you bought me
Especially at night
And on my dates
That weekend you asked me to think of you
To not forgot what we have
I didn't listen back then
But I remember to do it every day now

Anger flows freely as the blood in my veins,
The only thing that remains constant in this life of mine.
But it hurts,
And it's a struggle every day.
When every emotion falls back into flames of anger,
Those standing on the side end up getting burned.
The ones I love,
The ones I'm supposed to care for unconditionally,
Only strangers when I lose control.
I have the will to fight on my own;
Letting people in never worked well anyways.
Not when the world is this corrupted.
Trust is for those who haven't been deceived,
Love is for those who can keep their cool
And living is for those who aren't already dead.

My hand hesitates above the button
"Unblock"
Just millimeters away from my fingertips
Pieces of your life could appear in seconds
With just a little pressure
Yes, I know last time this hurt me
But maybe this time will be different
What's one more time
Just one more visit to your page
Gently the button clicks and your name disappears
I search it and easily find your page
A lot has happened since I last checked
And it's funny because
Even though I'm reading them
The poems themselves tell me nothing
Like mine, theres no way to know
Who it is you are speaking of
Though every so often
I read one that hits me in the gut
It makes my heart hurt and my stomach curl
Because I'm almost sure that
The person you're writing of is me
And you are still hurting
You're still angry at me
I want to like the poem
I want to open a door for you to see
So maybe I can help give you closure
I'm itching for you to talk to me
And as my finger
Renters a state of hovering
Over yet another virtual button
I realize that it wouldn't help you
I'd only be hurting you further
And I don't want to do that to you
I realize that my missing our friendship
Is solely a desire of mine
And it would be cruel
To drop in on your life again
I'm sorry for what I did
And I'm sorry I'm struggling so much
To let that piece of us go
But your feelings about me are clear
So even though it hurts to read
Just how much I destroyed you
I think it's just what I needed
To stop getting my hopes up
And to stop pressing your buttons

I don't want you to be
Just another date I remember
Every year that goes by
I don't want to have to think about how we were
And how it'll never be again
But what I want brought us into this mess of a situation
And what you feel could take us out of it
Or leave me here to suffocate in it

What do you do
When the universe gives you the chance
To get exactly what you wanted
At the worst possible time?

2 weeks ago I would have dropped everything
And given in to anything you'd asked
But now things feel different
I had the closure I needed
And I feel happy again

But my feelings haven't changed
I still love you
But I also don't know
If this is what I want anymore

Do I limit myself into the lonely world of monogamy
In order to secure our beautiful future?
Or do I continue my current happiness
Toward a future entirely unknown?

Knowing I will see you again soon
does more to calm me down
than any questions you may have answered.

Worst mood ever and I can't write.
I wake up into this weight on my chest
And thinking of everything I've done that I regret
Wishing I'd just be dead
I'm weird, crazy, illogical, ******
Why does everything always go the same?
It's just like my shot putting
I know what I'm SUPPOSED to do
But for some reason I just can't.
I'm sick of how I am
I really am
And I can't sleep when I'm sick with regret.
I don't understand myself
And why I can't just be normal
Have normal friends
Do normal things.
Instead I'm socially awkward
An angry individual.
And I just wish it was over.
I don't know why.
I know what I have is good
So why am I complaining?
People make me angry
I think I just need to remember that no one is perfect
Nothing works the way it 'should'
Little things set me off
Nothing calms me down but time
Occasionally.
Sometimes time just gives everything a chance to boil
Boil over until I snap
Until I lose it
I'm seriously sick of people
I used to be able to at least hold a conversation
Now I can even do that much
I can't even write right.

I wonder if cats have self esteem
And if so
Is their self worth as fragile as ours?
Do they develop that voice inside
That feeds them lies
About whether or not they're good enough?
Do they question why they were born
With long hair instead of short?
Or get self conscious about a broken tail?
Do they wish they had better owners?
Or that their owners understood them better?
Are they sensitive about their weight?
Or the length of their claws?
Do they wish they had soft orange hair
Instead of plush black fur?
Or do they love themselves entirely?
Understanding that they matter and that
Their worth isn't defined by other people?
Do they just live their lives fully
Paying no mind to anyone's judgement?
Are they happy with themselves?
Why aren't we?

Judging eyes, pair after pair.
Nothing can compare
And I know it's not fair
But you just need to bare
With me
For a moment
For a minute
I beg you to let me show you what it's like to live
Please, all I ask is for you to give
Let my hand guide you in the night
I swear it'll be alright
Because it's not the end, its a fight
Feel the wind as it bites
Cold against your broken dreams
But what you see is only an illusion
Life is wondrous
Life is great
Let me show you the way
I'll make it okay
And at the end of the day
If you still feel astray
I'll be gone
I'll leave you in your hands
Let you do what you had planned
But first I need a chance.
To show you how to trust
How to love
How to fight
I need the chance
The chance to save your life.

I've been searching for the source of these emotions
Because jealousy and other things
Are typically a result of your own perceptions
And it took me awhile to figure it out
I lost some blood along this unknown path
But then I came upon the answers
Because of something my best friend said
And now it all makes sense

I have always had a problem
With investing too much of myself into love
I begin identifying too strongly with the relationship
And any roadblocks feel as though
My entire universe is crashing before me
And looking at this one here
I've done the exact same thing

When we were first together
I told you I needed to continue working on myself
In order to avoid giving you all of my energy
And as soon as I stopped doing that
I fell into old habits

So it makes sense why I feel entirely crazy these days
Why I can consciously recognize that
You having another partner isn't the end of my world
Because you still love me
And I love you undyingly
Yet I still had overwhelming negative cognitions
That made me feel like dying

And now I realize that
In order to deal with these feelings
I have to focus on me again
Recognize that I need to improve myself
For myself
And then this will get easier
Thankfully it already has

Because I love you so much more
When I'm taking care of myself
Because instead of feeling like I have
No real choice but to stay
It now feels like a beautiful privilege
And it truly is

A previous apartment
An old town
Nothing but silent buildings and hollow walls
Yet my mind equates these
Empty spaces
With memories of freedom
With feeling alive
So I start to yearn for their physical presence
And once I'm there I feel disappointed
Because although I'm where I used to be
I'm not the same as I was
And that sense of self-assuredness
That sense of relief I'm seeking
Doesn't live in the drywall and clean pavement
It lived somewhere inside me then
And I'd like to believe that
Somewhere deep down
It's still alive
Just waiting to resurface

My drug of choice
The forbidden fruit I dare to taste
You are the answer
To the questions my heart speaks
My heart races uncontrollably
At the mere thought of seeing you again
Our hands touch and
You set off an explosion in my soul
Our energies connect and intertwine
Like the branches of two trees
Hugging and trailing along one another
And eventually growing together as one

Palms pressed flat against cold concrete
I rest my heavy head between them
Heartbeats echo against my eardrums
Rhythmic, like a timer
Fear of impending uncertainty chokes me
I need to cry but have no tears
Forgive me for this indecision
I'm lost and confused in my own mind
I love you, and my heart hurts
I want to run, but I hold myself steady
What's best for me isn't best for my soul
It's the part of me that knows you best
The point of impact when we connect
The place where we met and never left
I love you, and I hate this
Why do I want more, when I have you?
Why does the emptiness hurt this much
When the alternative is simply more void?
The hardest part of this whole situation
Is the reason why I'm still here
I love you and I'm stubborn as hell
I'm not ready to give up on this

Darkness surrounds this broken heart
Pumping directly from my brain
Thick smoke caresses every inch
Seeping into the microfractures of this foundation
I'm suffocating but continue to breathe
How odd this self-annihilation
Irrational thoughts inhale deeply
Turning precious oxygen into poison
I wonder why I'm so sick
As I sit docile and watch the violence

I'm sick of bleeding out for you
When all you do is lead the blade
If they could really see
The scars from the pain you cause
Red rivers would run deep
Encircling my stomach and back
Tearing through these tattoos
Leaving only ripped skin in its path
These tattered pieces of me
It's all I feel like some days
And I couldn't even begin to tell you
Exactly how much hurt you caused
Because you were already crying
Telling me how much you love me
But how it isn't working out
And **** babe
Don't you think I know that?
Don't you know I came here to end it
But what you don't know is
While you left because
You can't handle your feelings for me
I had to leave for myself
Because I can't handle the subtle hits
Of emotional abuse
I've never loved anyone more than you
But I've also never felt so much pain
As when you made decisions for just yourself
As you completely disregarded me
And even though leaving you
Has filled me with undeniable relief
My heart is still broken and bleeding
And right about now
The blood is choking my lungs

I'll kiss you until my lips are raw
Devotion and passion as if to god
I'll worship your body with every movement
And give you my soul like it's sacrament

Blurred vision through clouded eyes
ruining these moments again and again
This happiness can't last,
not with the way my brain works.

And it's funny because I am happy,
mostly,
But when I am I can't always feel it;
that kills me inside.

When I'm sad though my mind tends to
blow everything out of proportion;
I either crave to freely relapse
or to end it all.
Self-abortion.

I can't handle this
What have I done?
You're gone forever
And it's my fault

Those songs I've been avoiding
I tried to listen to tonight
And it was worse than I thought

These memories are drowning me
And I can't stop crying
I'm sobbing uncontrollably
As my body contorts under the pressure

My insides are dying at the thought
That I may never see you again

I'm trying to come to terms with the fact
That I might actually feel regret
Because I've never felt this much pain
I've never been this tormented
This ****** up
From losing someone

But I know you'll never forgive me
I wouldn't either

I'm sorry I ruined everything

I hope you're doing ok now

Because this is killing me

This fear is consuming me
A rope tying tightly around my throat
My chest
My stomach
Constricting my breath and cutting off circulation
Thoughts are spinning spinning spinning
Through my hollow mind
They won't stop
They're stealing my sanity
How do I function through this
When my mind knows it's illogical
But I cannot stop the panic that's destroying me?
I need an escape
I feel trapped but I'm not
I don't know what to do
This isn't the first time
And it isn't the last I'm sure
I don't know how to escape this
When I'm running from myself

"What do we do about this?"
You ask with our hands intertwined
I breathe in my fear
Breathe it out calmly
I don't have any answers
I only know how I feel
And if they ask me if I love you
I might just say yes

Spiraling
Thoughts.
They move through my head so
Fast
Its hard to keep up
But then a thought
Flying through the web of my mind
Gets caught
And sticks.
Unwavering.

...

"Did I turn off the stove?"
If I didn't
Fire
If fire
Dead pets
If dead pets
Dead me
If dead me
Pain to those I love.

...

The thoughts hit a wall.
There is a moment of pause.
"Everything is ok, I always turn off the stove."

....

Exhale.
Breathe.
Peace.

...

"But what if I didn't?"
It is back again
Clinging like a sticky-hand.
Fire.
Death.
Pain.
Until I notice
I'm doing it again.
Over
And over
And over again.

For what it's worth,
You were always my favorite mistake.

What do you do when your heart tells you one thing,
And your head another?
When you're aware of the cold hard facts
But your emotions disagree.
I know how she makes me feel
In either situation
Back and forth with pain and joy
It's enough to give you whiplash.
I've seen how she can be
Sweeter than most and in need of someone who really cares
But I've witnessed her true colors as well
Conniving lies and all.
So when it comes down to it, who do you really believe in,
The one you want to,
or the one you know best?

I'm looking for answers
Within the passing clouds
Or the vibrating sounds
Desperately seeking advice
Give me something
Anything
"If you already made your decision
Then why wait?"
I told you it's because I love her
That I believe she could hear me this time
That we could grow again
That things could go back to the way they were
Now I'm not so sure

Your lips, soft like clouds
Melt into my own
Despite the contact
I want to be closer
There's hunger in this
The craving runs deep
Together we are electricity
With energy born in a simple stare
We move like the ocean
In currents and waves
A secret choreography
Only our bodies know
Teasing and tussling
My teeth close on your skin
Painting you purple and red
I leave imprints of me all over you
To remind you that you're mine
The marks are emotions personified
I want you to know how I feel
I like you and I love your company
And a week always feels too long
I could drown in the depths of your eyes
They're mysterious and blue like the sea
Our souls meet in these moments
As I am entirely entranced by you
I want to hold you close
And I want to keep you safe
I want to hear your hurts
As well as all your dreams
I am grateful to be in your life
And that you're a part of mine

Can you really know me
If you don't know the darkness I've seen?
If you don't understand
Why it's so hard for me to sleep?
Or how I have to fight back tears
When I hear someone yelling?
Can you ever truly see me
If I don't show you what's behind me?
The childhood trauma boxed up neat
Until it spills across the floor of my insides
I keep the doors locked mostly
But locks don't prevent earthquakes
And sometimes, the ground shakes and
Frees memories to pool and suffocate
I've thought about speaking them but
Something inside says it's not bad enough
That no one will understand or see me
They'll just judge me as weak
"I'll give you something to cry about"
Hurled at a traumatized body

I don't want you to see me
Because you could call it sensitivity
And overlook the senseless violence
That comes with surveillance, intimidation
To share this pain is too risky
Because so much of it is crazy-making
I can take a punch no problem
It's the other stuff that broke me deeply
Expectations perfectionistic and unrealistic
Task repetition into sleep deprivation
Fear flooding my system so entirely
I chose to **** myself over interrupting her
Every week she made me grab the scale
No matter the result, I know I'll fail
If I gain weight then I'm lazy trash
A decrease? muscle weighs more than fat
And when she found out that I hated myself
She had the nerve to act confused
Asking if I know that I'm beautiful
Like I should love this body that could only lose.

She controlled everything
From how I wore my hair
To the clothes on my body.
Forced to speed walk around the park
I was so afraid of her and her rage
I never told her people made fun of me.
She made every decision
Not only what I ate
But how much too.
I'd learn to eat fast like she wanted
Trying to finish what she gave me
It didn't matter that it was too much.
Despite my attempts at compliance
I often threw up before I could finish
And she'd scream about that too.

In the mornings at home I'd wait in dread
To see who would come to get me
Whether my mother or she were driving.
With her, the entire ride home
I had to recite Everything I did at home
Starting over at any detail missed.
From snacks to bathroom breaks
Over and over I repeated and forgot
Never able to remember it all like she could.

Sometimes neighbors were concerned
Picking fights, they'd bring me up
With pride she'd say I'm just like her.
From love to hate she'd shift
Moods vacillating so fast
It'd give anyone whiplash.
Once a neighbor reported her for hitting me
But the police knew of neighborhood feuds
No one ever asked me about it.

I learned to move around silently
Rushing to get outside the house
Before she could wake up and yell at me.
She'd scream so close to my face
I'd be showered in her spit
Trying to stop the tears from betraying me.
I'd watch two grown adults fist fighting
Being threatened not to cry
And failing anyway.

A no phone rule meant forced isolation
When I brought my iPod in my backpack
She stole it and never gave it back.
School was solace in those weeks
And I'd try to lose myself in reading
Anything to escape experiencing reality.
Sometimes she sent me to sleep very early
Other nights she kept me up well into the morning
Redoing tasks until she deemed it done right.
Alone in bed at night
I'd stare into the glowing clock
Counting down my time
Consumed by shame
And the deepest desire to die.

So can you really know me if you never see
That this is the history that haunts me
In the face of insanity there is no winning
So what's the point of it being seen?

From the moment I wake up, you are
everywhere. From my thoughts, to my memories, I
cannot escape. Wondering if you deleted my number,
deleted me from your life, and simply trying
to piece together how you so quickly stopped loving me
had you ever begun.
In my phone, though your name is changed, I cannot yet
force myself to delete the only proof I have that we
ever meant something to you: those messages saved from
the days when you said you loved me and hinted at forever.
When did that all change?
In the bag of my miscellaneous possessions you returned to me, my
sweatshirt still smells of your perfume and detergent
I love it and I hate it. Just
that intoxicating candied scent returns my mind to a better place, one
curled next to you, falling into the sapphire sanctuary of your eyes, yet
that place no longer exists and as I make that realization
everything inside my body dies.
My heart cramps up and stings like bleach down a raw throat
My stomach burns with nausea though
I have not eaten in days.
Despite having removed our photos from their home next to my bed
they lied awake upon my desk until a friend noticed
and quickly stashed the poisonous laminates into a drawer,
out of sight, to try to offer a break to my aching
eyes, swollen as my heart from the continuous river of memories
complemented with uncontrollable rapids, soaking my hands.
But it still kills me because even without the visual reminder, I know
that you printed those devils but a week ago.
I don’t know what changed so suddenly
But I know me. And you didn’t.
I know me, and I know I need help.

I see it in his eyes,
I can hear it in his voice;
He loves me.
And it hurts.. how much I wish I had the choice
To love him that way too.

Sunshine caresses my pale skin
As wind dances across my limbs
This is Sunday morning energy
With peace balancing in the air
The universe feels calm
Like walking through graveyards
Delicate like flowers and
Colorful as the falling leaves
Racing heartbeats synchronize
Communicating between our palms
You set fire to my soul in the best of ways
Grounding me in these moments with you
And as all these sensations consume me
We're moving through a crowded room
This is how it feels to love you

Cold metal
On cold skin.
A cold heart
And a dead mind.
Black and white,
Shades of grey,
There's a dire need for a bit of color.
A twitch of the wrist,
The path of a blade,
Releases the pain,
The hatred and distress,
And finally lets some color back in.