Bouncing
   Bouncing
          Bounce
On top

Thrusting
      Thrusting
            ******
Inside

  Pouring
      Pouring
            Pour
All over

Locking
     Locking
           Lock
Me up

Gagging
     Gagging
             Gag
Me down

Zoning
     Zoning
            Zone
Out

Dreaming
       Dreaming
              Dream
All about it

Giving
   Giving
        Give
Me it

Pleasures
  What i seek

Im on my knees
           Not weak
              But begging

  For it

Who am I
Where am I
Why am I screaming
Why am I doing this

This isn't me
But I don't know me
But I'm panicking

Why did I do that
How could I
Be such a little ****

Is it wrong
Is it me
What happened to my sanity

My head's twisted
Swirling and curling
I'm afraid of everything

I feel guilty
I need my humility
I've gone too far

If I keep being reckless
I'll end up ***** and bruised
I don't wanna be used

Not again
I must be good
I can not sin

I don't want punishment
Please forgive me
For I've lost all my sanity

Here I sit
In my car
I didn't drive far
But my thoughts
Are gone

Gone somewhere nobody belongs
Desperation
Pain
An empty song

Nobody belongs
Nothing is real
We claim that since we feel
It's all real
But what's the deal

We live
Without knowing
We cry and beg for why
Never an answer from the sky
We all lie

Anyone who has faith
Anyone who feels in place
Anyone not afraid
Of death
They're all lying
To your face
To themselves
I can tell

I've lived some years now
I can see how
We all fight to forget
That time keeps ticking
And we all live in regret
Of existing

I can drive my car into another
Burn and crash
And die
And people would cry
They would ask why
Then say goodbye
And time will keep on

We do not belong
Where did we go wrong
Time keeps moving on
And soon I'll be gone
It won't be long
27 years gone by
All I can remember
Is me asking God why

Family members die
Tragedies go by
The world burns
And at every turn
We have all aged
And not one of us knows
******* why

I wish I could devolve
Become a sea creature
Or a dog
I don't want to think anymore
About who I am
Or what I'm for
I don't want this pain
Like a soaked disgusting stain
Never leaving
Baring my name
Since I was a child
Crying
And crying
Because I understood
The sick twisted game
That is
Life.

We strive
We try
We dance
We live
We cry
We get by
We all move on
Without knowing where we belong
Without knowing what happens when we go beyond
Into that grave
So we make songs
And act brave

They say heaven or hell
Or nothing at all
Honestly it's clear as day
If hell is real
We're already here
I can't think of anything more ******
Anything more cruel
Then existence without due
Without a clue
Giving us hope
Giving us love
Giving us beauty
And a possible God above

With no certainty
With no time
It's a sick crime
Yet we submit
We commit
To this life
Until we die
Nothing means anything
Everyone goes
And we just breathe in all of our woes
Then we go on
Singing meaningless songs

God never answers
Never says where we went wrong
We must have done wrong
We must have done evil
To have to live a life
So fleeting
So empty
No answers
Just plenty
Of misery
Suffering
Fighting
Wars
Giving it our all
Overcome in chores

Someone dies
And we pretend not to care why
Or where
They may be and if in despair
Because we are in despair
We are lost
Without anyone to care

If God was real why doesn't he tell us
Why doesn't he talk to us
Explain all this pain
I think if he did
We may all forgive
One another
And actually want to live
We all burn and ****
And hurt and spill
Because we're afraid
Of the nothingness
Headed our way

Dear father
I love you
I say it everyday
It must be true

I've been hurting for years
Finding love in people
Who only wanted to use me

I've been blaming myself
I've been blaming everyone else
Never admitting the truth

I don't hate anyone
I promised myself i wouldn't become
Someone who could

My memories haunt me
Every day you taunted me
And disregarded my feelings

I sat in a corner
I was only a child
Your eyes were wild

Wild with anger
I always felt in danger
Never for a moment at ease

Yet i wonder where i get anxiety
You only did as you pleased
You claim you love me

I tremble around men
I tremble around loud noises
I never knew what joy was

I heard you yelling
And all the evil things you were telling
To my mother everynight

You ****** wished i didn't exist
I took too much food from the shopping list
I was only but a burden in your way

Yet you cry for us to stay
I was your precious little girl
Once told me i was your whole world

Then you snapped
You never came back
You broke me apart

Tore apart my whole heart
I still can't admit it
The person i hate the most is

Because i don't hate
I won't be like you
Clouding yourself in anger

Every broken memory i have
Is me crying while you laugh
You never did encourage me

If you did i can't remember
God i feel like a traitor
For saying how i truly feel

I need to let it out
Yes i dare to pout
You won't shame me anymore

Dear father,
I hate you

I looked upon her
The glow on the lake
Long and vast

I looked to her left
The deep blue
Makes me feel small

All I saw
Was beauty and despair
Whispering in her air

I cried to her
I talked and pleaded
Her glow did not answer

Oh sweet beauty
She's but a msytery
And I fear my life

Even while staring upon her
Is but misery

Every day I hear a song
I see a place
Or a familiar face
And my heart aches

Of a place
Of a time
Of a special rhyme

The entire time
I thought
I missed you
I longed
For us
that's not what it was
It's not what it is

I found myself in you
When you left
I left too
I've been gone
I'm still searching
For her
For me
For what I was
And want to be

This poem isn't about you
It's about me
Finding me
I've been gone
For so long
God I miss her
Her power
Her kindness
Her braveness
Her tenacity
Everything
That used to be me

Where is she
Buried in sadness
Buried in sickness
Coughing
Crying
Dying
Lying
Into
My grave
One foot
Away
I guess I'm pretty brave
For someone who's a slave
To my own body
My own mind
I feel like nobody
I don't see the stars
I don't feel the love
I just know pain
And shame

Where's the girl
With all the hope in the world
So much so
She healed others
And brothers
And sisters
The whole world
Would be healed
By the girl
With all the passion
In the world

She's gone
Gone
Gone
I'm crying for her
The memories of her
Laughing
And loving
Not ever knowing
Even more cruelty
To come

Only knowing
A one way road trip
To fun
beauty,  bravery
And sincerity
Everything
With such clarity
Wasted away
Three years or probably more now
I lost count
In my bed
Body full of rusted lead
Poisoning my head

I may as well be dead
Somewhere out there
Lost in a service plaza
Killed by monsters
And death himself
Swallowed me up
And never spit me out

You're a ***** ***** ****
I feel it in my gut
The desire
Bring me higher

Come inside me
Baby find me
Expand my horizons
Yell at me more it's fun

I probably shouldn't
Younger me wouldn't
But I'm so curious
**** me til I'm delirious

Take me out back
My mind's out of whack
My dreams are wet
Touch me without fret

I need to let loose
On you

Dead
  Dead
         Dead
    
  Burning
      Stirring
              Stabbing
Twisting

Sad all the time
Dead until nine
The stabbing starts at bed
My body isnt dead
Emotions must not have been informed

Let me s l e e p
Tired
        Drained
               RestLESs

Take this pill
God I'm fragile
Needles in my arms
They're not causing real harm
It's just my lover
              
                               AGONY

I wish for autumn
The flowing leaves
The crisp Smell
The chilly dew

Autumn is so rare
These days we only get
Hot air and heavy breathing
Burning sun and burnt skin

There's no win
If you love autumn
It comes and goes
Quicker then my woes

I wish I lived
In nonstop autumn
The oranges and reds
The fairies and witches
Roaming amok

something about the moon
Glosses over in fog
With bats flying above
Leaves me feeling in love

My heart aches for these days
But come they may
They leave and I feel betrayed
For then everything dies

Like my heart
In the winter cries
I can't help it
I hate everything in life
But the beautiful chill
Of October

Soft morning dew
Chilly air and blankets
Fruity cereal and tv
Comfort my soul

Warm enough for sun
Cold enough for wind
I settle in my grin
The calming nature inside
I can't help but abide

Bring me flowers
Bring me joy
I feel yellow
I feel buzzing

The grass is green
The lawn is mowed
I watch my tv
And feel my soul

I try to be positive
Think of the good
Say no to the dark

Yet the spark
That i try to relive
turns to dust

Sadness without trust
Stressed thoughts overwhelm
All i see is bad things to come

I can't stop taking lithium
I don't want to be alone
But this partner is too toxic

Happy thoughts inside a dark pit
The shadows won't go away
I am tortured in my dreams

Light died within the seams
It all fell out
I wish i was empty

All that's left of me
Is a shattered soul
Waiting to go home

I forgive you
I do
But right now
You have no clue
I'm too sad
To be near you

I'm overwhelming
I'm nagging
I'm begging and pleading
I'm unbearable
And you're there
Under my skin
Just beneath my grin
It's not the right time
For you to finish my rhymes

We never said goodbye
Now it's hello again
Are we friends
Or is this pretend
I'm so fragile
You have no idea

I say I'm playing it cool
Then call you like a fool
No answer
No answer
I realize
My crazy banter

Then you text me a day later
And all is fine
But I'm out of my mind
I miss you
I always did
But it's deeper than that
I'm a lost kid

I'm sick and afraid
Alone and ashamed
Desperate for comfort
Desperate for compassion
I run to you
I run and run
And plunge into your soul
Never wanting to let go
But you don't want to be that close
Again

I understand, old friend
That's smart
That's who you always are
But I'm fragile
I'm broken
Looking for old pieces
Hiding in familiar faces
To tape me back up
To keep me standing
Life is so demanding

And I'm missing the main piece
I can't be put back together again
After losing you the first few hundred times my friend
I think it was finally my end
Then again
Here I am
I'm just fragile
And broken
Wondering if you'll be there with me
Again

I want to dance
Dance with wolves
Under the stars
Swirling around
Brim stones burning

I hear the howling
I fear the growling
The Sparks around
Crumble beneath the ground

Up here I dissapear
There's too many
I'm a lone wolf
Always dancing alone
I've emptied my own pond

It was never deep enough
Too shallow to share
Everyone became bare
Found an ocean
Swam into it
Paddled away happily

I want to dance with wolves
Around the warmth of the moon
Warming trust
Becoming stronger
My pain lingers
Only gaps in my fingers

This heart inside me
It's cold and empty
It's so common to say
Be that it may
But..
Doesn't mean it hurts any less
Who must I impress
How much can I press
That I'm scared
I'm so alone
I just want to know
I want to be shown
Love and comfort
But I've lost

So much of me
It's too late
I lost any chance
Of dancing
With others
Happily

Help me
Please God
Someone save me
It hurts so much
I can not hide it with silly metaphors
Break the code
Break the show
I'm broken
I'm hurting
I'm unable to love
Unable to believe in up above

Please God let my soul rest
I cannot stress
How much
Everything ******* hurts

   My dreams are dark
I'm tired of "wolves"
Of pretending
I just want
The final ending

Please

Pound
Pound
My heart beats
But it's not bad

Churn churn
My stomach twirls
But it's kinda nice

Dizzy dizzy
My head feels
But it's kinda fun

i feel nervous
Forget how to function
It's been forever since
I wrote a verse

A verse of twinkling
A song of curiosity
A fluff of fuzzy feelings
Ive got this funny feeling

You see
You're adorable
But i don't even know you
I want to try
But I'm so shy

I don't flirt
I run and hide
I think you're cute
How do i make this work

I gotta crush
It's almost nauseating
You got me flustered
But I enjoy this rush

So tell me, ***
How do I
Get more out of you
Then a look and
Run

December I remember

The cold snowy travels
The loneliness that graveled
The darkness that unraveled
I was over
I was gone
I was sadness
For so long

The months went on
The slumber never gone
Hibernating with no song
On mute
I didn't belong

Then one day
Came along..
A beautiful day
A touch of destiny
Blessed be
As it were

I had met
A girl
One simple day
One fun play

Adventure to be had
Never again to be sad
We connected
We shined
Growing
Like vines

Vines I say
Remember those?
stay up
all night
Laughing and eating
Everything in
Sight

You showed me
Friendship
And love
How beautiful
Blooming
Truly was

We bloomed together
Starry eyed doves
Former  connected souls
From years ago

We talked
We listened
We glistened
With wine
Wine all over me
Wine across town
Looking like clowns

We goofed around
We fell on the ground
We shopped at midnight
With no one else around

You got my jokes
You had my rose
I had your back
Everything felt in
Tact

Bryan Ohio
Is where we were
Bryan Ohio
Once my curse

You made that town
Overflowing ecstasy
Everything was grace
Everything felt like
Destiny in place

My body
My soul
No longer
Cold bones
Now
Sitting high
On our thrones
In Bryan Ohio
We were
Each other's
Homes

From one simple game
We met
One simple day
I'll never forget
Grand theft Auto
Gave me you
Grand theft Auto
And
the entire open road
Too

I feel
       shining
S h i m m e r i n g
Galaxies
In my heart

I see yellow
S wi~rling
Magic
In your soul

I see the stars
In the colors
Of the day

   The milky way
Is but a step away
In your eyes

I see love
From all
Like a blackhole
Breaking me into it
Never escaping

Twinkling
   Twinkle
              Twinkle
Little beauty
   You are everywhere
I can see it in most everyone

But i don't think
They see it
In
Me

Stab you
STAB
BURN YOU IN YOUR BLOOD

YOU USED ME
I KNOW
YOU ******* ***

REAP WHAT YOU SEW
I'LL TRAMPLE EVERYONE
THAT'S HURT MY SOUL

Ignore me
Throw me aside
Take your fist
And ******* me inside

My face burrowed in despair
My eyes sank into the floor
You sat and laughed right over there

Same as all before
Use me for your needs
And then ignore

Act like no harm was done
While you make way
Using another to ***

I'm tired
  Tired
     Tired

stop using me
Stop throwing me away
Stop ******* ignoring what i say

My eyes shined for you
But just as quick as they did
You threw me in the trash bin

Everytime I let free
The love hiding inside
forced everytime to hide and cry

anger brews my boiling blood
My mind is screaming
Only frigid cold up above

They won't talk to me
So I'll make them scream
******* ***** won't let me breathe

COME CLOSER
I'LL STAB YOU IN THE HEART
YOU CAN FEEL THE SAME AGONY
TEARING ME APART

SHARP PAIN STARTS IN MY CHEST
GOES INWARD
YOU DONT SEEM IMPRESSED

LET ME KEEP STABBING
STABBING
    STAB
         BING
YOU'LL BE ALL ******
AND CRYING

MAYBE YOU'LL UNDERSTAND
HOW PAINFUL CUTS CAN WOUND

CRY OUT FOR ME
BUT MY ATTENTION
HAS CHANGED COMPLETELY
YOU'RE JUST
TRASH
   NOW

I'm sorry you're dying
But how pathetic
   Leave me alone
      Oh stop crying

Reality breaks
Reality is fake
My heart is a pancake
Thick and crumbling
C
R
U
m
b
l
e

Afraid to feel
I can not heal
Life around me
Starts to peal
Leaving nothing but
Exposed flesh
OooozING

Lay me on the floor
It's my source of comfort
It's close to the earth
My only warmth
Keeps burying me
D
  O
    W
           N
           N
          N
            Never have I felt
  A sense of true comfort
My brain unravels
Either numb
Or sadness
Mixed with madness
Mad
     Mad
Mad    mad
Mad
Sad
It's buried so deep
Which reality is real
Can I really feel
Like I used to
Or was that a dream
Hmmmm
So it seams

I'm lost
In this dimension
Blue and gray
Swirling snow in May
Falling
Under water
Bubbling in my

Lungs

I'm too high strung
I'm too far gone
Everything feels wrong
Where do I belong
I keep singing the song
But I forgot the chorus
My brain tries to floor it
I out wore it
Now it's torn
R I P P E D to s hReDS
I'll get on my bed

And wait to be dead

Maybe then I'll find
Everything I left behind

Moon look upon me
Im fall
          l

          l
          i
         n
         g
Into you

Sun hide me
Im bUrning
       N
       D
       E
       R
your light

Dear stars
You s h i n e
I want you
Forever mine

Galaxies in the sky
Fantasies in your eyes
Twirling blue and black
Depth they do not lack

Clouds bring me rain
Pour unto me reflections
Puddles Within
Are you my other world twin

Thunder scream and roar
Into my soul
I feel thy strength
Soaring overboard

Elements of the sky
I look above and cry
Some tears of sorrow
Others of hope for tomorrow

You are loud
Most colorful
With unexpected surprises
Bringing curiosity into lives

My eyes see
Into the moons eyes
The light shadow
Bring me warmth sitting on my
                                patio

Sometimes I'll hear a song
A lovely song
And tears will come to my eyes
Happy tears
Never a sigh
As I go back through time
With you

It's funny to me
Those memories
Hit me head on
So suddenly
I can't remember what I did yesterday
But five years ago
I can recall the very thing you
Said

Those first nine months
The flirting
The pranks
Halloween
To Valentine's day
The laughter
And denial
Our relationship
On trial

We won

I remember
Being stunned
You kissed me
Being frozen
When you asked me
The pink fluffy hoodie
Jumping around like a ghost
Will we or won't we?
Who knows

Everyone knew
I did too
Did you?
Silly goose
I remember it all
It hits me hard
It's beautiful
It's like fall
Except I didn't fall
I flew
Into you
Into us
Into chemistry
And love

Those first nine months
Our love story
It was romantic
It was tragic
It was epic
And magic

I'll never forget those moments
They'll always be
The best thing
To ever happen to
Me
I love you
I treasure everyday with you
But I love to reminisce
About the sweet romance
That started our bliss

Always and forever
We'll be together

Everything i write
is about flowers and death
I think this is a sign
I want to be free

I can't take this boxed  in life
I want to run
Any chance i get

Fourty hours work in a hole
Is not who i am
I want to be in the wind

Flowers bloom with color
Their pedals flow through the breeze
Moving through and growing more life

I cannot have such a life
Therefore i want to run
But run to where?
The only solution i ever find

Is death
Death is the only freedom i know
But maybe I'll live
For the promise
That after this hell
We'll all be free
More then we can ever know

Little sparkle
You
glow

Natures beauty
Is starting to
Show

Deep oceans
Skin deep
Wave into M~o~t~i~o~n

Splish splash
My lungs crash

The beauty
Is |p|a|i|n|

Choo Choo
Nostalgia from
An endless train
Recites lost memories
Inside my brain

They whisper
Like the ocean moves

There is faint light
Left from the sparkle
I once sew

I am confused
I am lost
I get so very cross

I see beauty
I feel at home
Then my thoughts
Travel and rome
My heart hurts
As i cry inside

For Im lying
I don't know
Where my home
Ever was

But late night warmth
From the fire place above
Frosted lips
And funny quips

Keeps me dreaming
And writing of fairies
I can find peace
I can find love
If i just keep my mind
On the one above

Fa la la la
Fa la la la
Fala la la
Falala
Falling
Fall
Fell

I'm breathing in hell
Just make it through
This last week
It'll stop being bleak
Just.make.it.through.one.more.day

Fa la la la
Fa la la la
Falala la
Fallala
Falling
Fall
Fell

I can not tell
Where I am anymore
Everyday blends through the door
I'm afraid to open it
I'm too tired to explore it
Lay me to rest
I'm done with my best

Fa la la la la la
Fa la la
La
La
Fallalala
Fa la la ling
Fa
La
La
La
Li
N
G

    Help me
     I'm buried in someone's destiny
       Is it mine?
        I lost track of time
         Who am I?
        Why am I?
              Is this me?
            Or somebody playing hide and seek?


            I'm still falling
Not sure if by choice
      Or
by
some greater
force
    Tying me
down
  Until im nothing but a
mere
f
r
o
  w
    n