I keep digging
Without a shovel
My bare hands have gone
So deep

The more I dig
The more lost I feel
Why am I doing this
Just an empty hole

I'm starting to see
That everything I ever knew
Was abuse and cruelty
I hate my entire past

I thought I had moments
Of joy and love I held onto
But it hit me like a block from above
Gushing over my head with blood
I never knew what love was

The hole I dug
Was a grave for myself
Empty and depraved of life
Dark and burrowed with strife

If I strip away every piece of abuse
From my entire life
There's nothing left to recall
Now I'm taking another fall

I cannot tell if I'm healing
Or if I'm sinking
Even further into the hole
I only know weeping

Is this a wishing well I dug
Filled with hope
And dreams
If I believe enough

Or am I still digging
My grave from hell
Burying myself within
Letting all the demons in

It all feels pointless
Every single memory
Is so twisted
How could I ever miss it

The evil words
The hatred and mockery
Being used and torn
Why was it a shock to me

I still can't grasp it
My entire life was blackness
Only lived with sadness
But I keep digging

Am I winning?
The never ending battle
Or am I continuing
The cycle of abuse
Like foolish cattle

I'm lost
Not in any wonderland
Inside my own brain
Inside this dead land
There's not much light
I'm not sure where to go
Where to even begin

I've been stuck
In the same place
I thought I escaped
To be free
But only to escape
To my own hell
No longer others torture
Just my own

Is this freedom
I know not what to do with it
I had fun
I drew the colors
I sang and believed
But find myself
Laying still
Going nowhere
But the same hell
In my mind

She screams
To be let go
To sleep
For nothing means anything
Those screams I've heard before
Hit the same
But different
So I cut them
Then rest as they entangle me

Nothing will set me free

Beautiful dreamer up in the trees
Climbimg so high
Where are you going to land?
You want to see it all
But the wind blows you down
Will you climb back up for that peaceful green?
Or shall you stay down in the sturdy dirt?

Each time you climb you wind with bruises and scars
But you feel just that much closer to the moon and stars
You know you'll never make it up there so high
But my god who would i be if i never try?

So each time the wind drags you down
You'll fall and it'll break you
The tears will fall as well with the open wounds
But don't forget to just look up
There will be the moon to stop your tears
And there you'll be a beautiful dreamer without fear

When your tears feel like blood
Falling down your face
Burning in place
When your heart feels like
Pain
aching every beat
Breaking
       Faking
  Shaking

When you can't remember
Why you're alive
Why you would want to be
Everything is gloomy
Everything is nothing

When the snow falls and it's magical
Then melts the next day
Grey sludge
Gross and out of place

When you beg for someone
To be your friend
Someone to let you play pretend
Let you laugh
Let you know it'll be ok
Let you feel for once
What you used to on a lovely autumn day

I'm alone
I'm always so alone
I'm sick
Chronically
Mentally
Unforgivablely
Who did I hurt
To deserve this

I can't even pretend anymore
Life can be better
People care
People love me
No,
I'm alone
I'm *****
I'm pathetic
And weak
I'm almost thirty

My life is empty
I'm barren
I'm godless
I'm hopeless
And diseased

I beg for you again
Please, won't you be my friend
Look at me
Oh God please
Don't look at me
I'm weak
I'm so weak
I'm begging
I can't stop begging
Why can't I heal
Why must I break
Why must I sit alone
And bleed
From my face
Everyday
Alone
In every way
No laughter
No joy
No dancing
Just
Destroyed

My life is a hospital bed
I'm the disease
Everyone else is lead
I'm poisoned by them
But I want more
I lay not on the bed
But the floor
Put the medication in my IV
save me
Oh I beg so deeply
Save me from this life
I want to die
I wish to live
What more can I ******* give

The doctors never listen
They only demand
Money money
Then let you know firsthand
You don't matter
You are nothing
Shut up and go away

And so I listened
And I stayed
In my hell
Where the snow
Only last but a day

where am I going
I do not know
What do i want
All i feel is woe

Am i a fiery warrior
Or a pretty princess
Am i soft poetry
Or something unknown to me

What are my goals
I can't figure out
What's my dream
All i feel is doubt

Am i a free spirited owl
Or a early morning rooster
Am I the reds and oranges of autumn
Or the blooming spring of freedom

I do not know what defines me
Or who I am
But when someone laughs
Or there is happiness
I feel a spark
Inside this lost heart

The nights were crisp
If I remember right
The lights were bright
As we past each car

The talks were long
As we paused to sing a song
The hellos were beautiful
The goodbyes were soulful
But difficult

The train station in the morning
Running into your arms
The train station at night
Never seemed as bright
Even tho it was always dark
It hurt my heart
To see you go

I knew it was ok
In every possible way
When I looked up
To see your face
At the gas station
The warm night
If I recall right
I knew
I was so **** sure
It was forever

I've never felt quite right since
I realized I was wrong
what I saw as forever
Was gone

It was some kind of magic
Or curse maybe
I'm not really sure
But **** it hurts
There's no more pleasure
When I see the car lights
When I'm at a gas station at night
Or a service plaza
The distinct feeling
Of unbelieving
The world around me
A special place
A special face
held my heart so
In every ******* way

It's gone
There was never magic
It was just life
A facade
A lie
I could never begin to try
And make it right
I held so tight

The snow we fell on
The mischief we got lost in
At a Cleveland concert
Or the side of the road
Walking out of rebellion

The hair dye stuck to my hands
The red that didn't show
we continued to grow
To purples
To blues
Every new hue
With you

The trips we took
The cars we shook
By accident
You scratched it
we took off afriad
We've never misbehaved
That was the first
We had many of those

Driving for an hour
To be at olive garden
We saw as a  higher power
For years
We spent there
A special saving grace
Shoving bread to the face

The first time you left
I fell to my knees
Metaphorically
maybe physically
I can't recall
I cried for weeks
I quit the job
We shared
It wasn't fair
To anyone

It's never fair
To anyone
Yet you dared
To not care

Never cared
Never
Ever
Dared

The cons we roamed
The gorilla hugs alone
Were memorable
The pictures we took
The way we looked
As we fell and laugh
Over silly words
Humman
Gina
Something as simple
As a typo
Could keep us laughing
For years
I can't remember a single tear

I lie
For many years
..there were
..tears in us
The entire time

As I warned you
Getting into drugs
Ruins lives
You promised
With no sincerity
In those eyes
Dead inside
I knew
I blew
It away
A passing thought
As we danced the night away

Every moment
I write and write
Every feeling
I write I write
It won't leave me
I try to let it be
Let it out
On the paper
It's not poetic anymore
It's not rhyming
It's falling apart
There's no more
No more
No more
I'm losing my words
My talents
For words
For
Anything
I was so **** sure
Then again
It's happened before
Maybe I'm addicted to pain
I choose to remain
In it
By picking people
I know are cruel
I know will rule
My emotions
turn me into
A broken

Piece
Of
Hell

I can't tell
What it is
you were so addictive
Manipulative
Mean
Hurtful
Gone
Unhealthy
Selfish
******* LIAR
Fake
And
Everything I wanted to keep
Just out of reach

So I write
And I write
And I
Well
I don't know

..
I just
    Can't
             Move on

Is it time to let go?
Time to move on?
I keep feeling as if
It's wrong

It feels so long
Since i wrote
Yet i know
It wasnt much
Time ago

Should i write?
Should i pass
Should i sit and wait
In the grass

It was a field of green
Wind blowing
Sun out
Now it's cold
And snowing

The grass is dying
I think I'm crying
Should i try
To start flying
Away

I talk about you
Everyday
But the drama
Got in the way

You probably don't
Even care one thought
But the worry
Maybe you do
And this distance
Is for naught

I almost wrote you
Yesterday
Or was that today
My days melt into each other
As we once did

I used to write
Every other week
A silly antidote
Or a simple hello
Made me smile

Now i try to type
But the letters scurry away
Theyre afraid
I'll upset
The weather

The storm was always coming
But i never listened
To adults
Who told me how to take
Cover

I'm at a loss
I feel so lonely
You surely don't care
As much as i do

My pen is fading
My thumbs are numbing
Mt heart aches
To type a letter
As my hands break

It's wrong
I didn't belong
But it's been so long
Maybe you miss
My silly
Song

Should i write?
Maybe a smile
Will cross your face
And I'll feel in place
Again

Should i pass?
Maybe annoyance
Would disrupt your tune
and take away
Your calm moon

I'm at a crossroads here
Which way do i go
I always pick the wrong path
Yet i still don't ******* know

Should i say hello
Or say goodbye

Soemtimes I cant help
Looking down
Always with this frown

Sometimes I start
Looking up
And I see the stars

Every hard time
Every horrible mistake
Everytime I break
I look up
I reach up
I see the stars

Theres no wars
There's no liars
Only bright beautiful fires
Filled with wonder

My life is filled
With one constant major event
Of breakdowns and sadness
Only to be broken
By the sky's madness

I'm reaching for her
All throughout my life
Been told it's wrong
Who knows where those stars belong
But I think that's the point

They keep be going
They keep me breathing
Without knowing
Who they are

It's the msytery
The excitement
Of such entities
Something so much bigger
Then me
And that's the magic
That keeps me breathing

Stop asking for reassurance
Stop asking if it's wrong
Just do what you want
What's your problem?

I'm just so afraid
The last time I made a mistake
I was violated and tormented
I can't trust myself anymore

As a kid I wasn't allowed
To think for myself or decide
The one time I let loose
I fell and got broken and bruised

What if it happens again
No one will help me repent
I can't feel or be open
This fear is permanent

My mind collapses
I fall apart
My day is gone
I'm just not strong

I thought I'd grow stronger
But I only fall apart longer
Every night it gets worse
Every one laughs at my curse

I want my childhood back
I want my innocence
I want the love and bliss
That I had to ******* miss

It's not fair
I never accepted til now
The emotional abuse
That torments my mind
Is no joke oh no it's not kind

It grows stronger
As I grow weaker
I'll never have any of it back
I'll never grow into a beautiful ocean
I'm a mud piled puddle
Only to live with struggle

Step on me
Run your car over me
Break me deeper
Til I become weaker

At this point im useless
I've lost all my faith
I'll never find my place
I'll never find comfort
For I hate myself too much
It resides within me so deep
I truly know I'll never be loved

I just ask the stars above
Stop mocking me, please
Let me sleep

Like a moth to the flame
I'm dragged in
I'm attracted to you
But afraid I'll burn

I never did like
All these gooey emotions
I'm so embarrassed
At the very notion

calm down
Stop fantasizing
Feelings are disastrous
It'll end agonizing

I wake up to the flames
Theyre burning so pretty
Suddenly i can fly
And i feel so giddy

Let me touch the surface
It won't burn me
And i can feel the warmth
Carressing around me

The closer i fly
The brighter you become
I love the warmth too much
What could ever go wrong

Like a moth to a flame
How stupid they are
Clearly it's deadly
Yet still they all fall

❤

We are but flowers in the wind
We grew together
Different but with shared roots

Someone picked us
They tore us away
Now we each fly

With pedals swaying ever softly
We search for one another
But stumble upon brick walls

We hit the ground
But tis not soil we can grow on
We start to wither

The sun mocks us every day
The color we shared together fades
When will we ever blossom again

Someone picks one of us up
With a smile so bright
They put us back together in a jar of life

This jar may not let us live long
But we are together now
We are where we belong

Sometimes I think I'm making it up
Tbe abuse I've lived through
The demons I've seen

There's no way
Anyone's been through that
Or maybe im overreacting
And i should just have a laugh

Until I see you
Facing the same demons
Unable to break through
Who would have knew

Itd be us two
Seeing though the thickness
And cruelty of abuse
How do we unwind

From a life so unkind
I hate to say we've had it worse
Worse then most
But it's not a boast

We never had eggs and toast
Highschool friends
Or visiting the sea coast
We had no normalcy

Even though I finally broke free
My dreams they haunt me
They tear me down
And I see demons wearing crowns

I still have so much hate
I can't even contemplate
Still surving them a dinner plate
Like a slave

I'm growing
It's such a struggle
But I must confess
I'm no longer so hopeless

I wish the same for you
As your seeking forgiveness
But mostly freedom
From their destructive kingdom

This poem might not rhyme
Because i don't know if i have the time
To let all these thoughts out of me

But I want to ask all of you
A question from my heart sincerely i have no clue
What the answer may be

Does it not scare all of you how fleeting life is
That tomorrow you could be gone as fast as pop fizz
why are we all suffering just to die soon

Why don't you take that chance if you're not happy now
Why don't you jump into it even if it's scary now
I'm all alone in this and I fear i always will be

But it confuses me you see
Because i see so many suffer and not get what they want endlessly
Even when i offer it and say lets run away together

They say they can't Theyre afraid
But life is so fleeting it all passes so fast everyday
Why not grab the love you seek

Instead of watching it sink far away
Because you think it might cause this or be an issue for another day
I'm worried you are wasting each precious day that you'll never get back

So why not jump head first without ever looking back?

I thought
How can it be hard
Anymore
It's such an open door
To be you
To be all the hues
How could it be
I forgot about me
Never honestly
Being
... me

I've told my story
I've opened up
They were nice ..
Enough
But
It's rough
They forget
I don't spit
It out
I keep it
Out
Of light
*** it might
Upset
So I let them
Forget

"Bi?
Bisexual?
That's so stupid
That's so gross"
Just in causal talking
Obviously forgetting
Me

"It's like you were in love with her"
"Let it go
Let her go"
It's like they didn't know
She didn't know
they did
They did
Yet I hid
The fireworks
The moon
Every single
Noon
Id spend
Loving you

I forget
The pain I felt
Sitting on a swing
Just ******* crying
*** what if I am?
What if I really am ?
What will I do
My god what would
He
Do
To me?
I'm disgusting

Then I let it go away
Til that day
Or it was everyday
I was with you
I knew
I knew
It was me
I was disgusting

How could I forget
Of course the doors not open
Not for everyone
Not even for myself
I still hide on a shelf
Even after revealing oneself
Never completely
I hide that bit of me
As just girlish
Drunken fun
Always on the
Run
From her
Those feelings shouldn't
Occur
I make it a blur
The love I felt for her
Or her
Or me

That part of me
I find a tragedy
I love her
So sweet
So soft
Why can't she
Belong
Gabrielle and xena
Willow and Tara
I've watch
I've seen
Love
On tv
But those
Those lovers
Made me feel
Pure
Made me feel
Sincere
Made me
Me
That was my destiny

I fell in love like that
She didn't feel it back
We were friends
I played pretend
Like I do with everybody
Hiding my entire body
My mind
I'm not shy
Just ashamed
Of what I can't
Explain

I love both
I cherish both
That is me
That is me
That's my destiny
I'm sorry

Thou shall not ****
Thou shall not lie
Thou shall not take thy name in vain
Tho shall not commit adultery
Thou shall obey me
Thou shall not get in my way
Thou shall not eat my food
Thou shall not go outside
Thou shall not think that way
Thou shall not misbehave
Thou shall not cry
Thou shall not ******* exist

These are your commandments
Follow them or you will suffer
Suffer in life and death
Suffer even with your last breath
Don't act like I'm not loving
Why are you running
I have given you everything

God I wish you would stop crying

I like you
When we first met
I like you
When you made me laugh
I kinda like you a bit

I think you're cute
When you're a dork
I think you're cute
When you say my name
You're cute

I'm nervous
When you touch me
I'm nervous
When we're all alone
I feel nervous

I blush
When you text me
I blush
When you kissed my cheek
I blush
When you tell me I'm cute
You make me blush

It hurts
When you say we're only friends
It hurts
When others flirt
It hurts
When you're not around

I like you
When you're rambling
I like you
When we watch movies
I like you
When you hug me
I like you
When you're with me
I think I like you a lot

I can not love
For noone will love me
I can not give
For no one will let me

My smile is fake
My heart only shakes
My head is an earthquake
Crumbling and cracking

They told me to get over it
It's in the past
I can grow through this
But the voices won't leave

How can I not feel lonely
When my blood hurt me
The blood I trusted and loved
The blood I followed and obeyed

They betrayed
And left me like a stray
I ran so far away
But I'm incomplete

I always have been
I found myself last year
But lost it in the fear
That speaking up was bad

You taught me that
You ignored my whole life
But taught me one clear message
Fear everything for it is evil

Only obedience is pure
Purity is true beauty
Talking back is mutiny
My life is worthless
You are my king

Take everything
Throw me away
Ask me why I didn't stay
Because I can't find my own way

I am a stray
No one wants to rescue me
Forever a lost kitten
Someone please put me to sleep

I like
Pretty things
I like
Sparkles
I like
Makeup
I like
To have fun

Stop ******* telling me it's wrong

I like
braids in my hair
I like
Men with long hair
I like
To have ***
I like
To dance with others

Stop blaming me for your troubles

I like
To be free
I like
To laugh
I like
Partying
I like
Being away from you

You can't hurt me the way you used to

I like
To live
I like
To be normal
I like
Being loved

And yet I still beleive in a god above

And you can never take that away from me