I was raised
To be broken
I feel faint
Every day

I never before could explain
Why I loved you
And wanted to be with you
In the pouring rain

I love you because
You were normal
Being around you i almost felt
Just like everyone else

I could watch you
With all others
Showing affection
You had no clue

The pain of malnutrion
Hiding any emotion
Being alarmed of human touch
No one could listen

Its blinding
How sick i truly am
My body craves health
It all seemed so winding

Yet i see it was simple
I needed nutrition
The ones everyone else has
That they find so little

I'm too afraid to grow
I let my body rot
For love and affection
I never did know

Starved for life
I crave such simplicity
I want to Hug you
And let go of this knife

I hold onto it bleeding
I only know how to open
With pain and suffering
How can i show happy feelings

I'd say I'm lost
But that implies i once
Knew where i was going
I was born with no cross

I hold no meaning
Or hope for anyone
I suffer for nothing
I want to stop screaming

What's it like to be alive
In your eyes I almost saw
Peace of mind and a desire
To be normal and let my emotions
Finally arrive

Dear abuser,

Because of you I shake at night
I see so many deadly frights
My arms quiver with needles bleeding
I can't beleive I didn't think you affected me

Every night I come home
I shower and cry about my life
Every person I talk to I distrust
I know suffering is a must

There is no silence
I only hear my weeping
And your yelling echoing through
I have new triggers I don't understand
Was this always your plan?

I yell and scream at things I love
I can't beleive in any God above
My heart panics if anyone's upset
My breath is stolen like I'm in a corset

I can't stand to be alone
But I can't stand to be too close
I'm afraid of anyone's touch
Every problem is just too much

I can't have a good day
Anything good  changes and rots
Into the memory and fear
I hate myself if that wasn't clear

No matter how much I build myself up
How strong I may become
I feel so weak and alone
I feel like I'll never find my home

I stay up and ponder if I ever could
Tell everyone about the hell you gave me
Maybe that would help me
Or maybe they'd just laugh at me

I rip my flesh open
I bruise and hurt my own heart
I give so much of myself to everyone else
Because of the guilt I feel
Cause it was all my fault

I black out and forget things
My stomach twist and turns and stings
I have no energy to enjoy anything
Nothing in life is a blessing

I've emptied my body of any emotion
Because whenever I have any
It's endless crying and falling apart
Noone can break this ******* shattered heart

I'm afriad someone's behind my back
I'm afriad they're ready to attack
I'm afraid all I ever do is lack
I'm afraid of every ******* thing even a tack

I can feel you
I can hear you
Needling through my skin
Piercing my head with sin
Burning my body
Every night I relive it

All the pain I'm feeling I can't quite explain
Because at this point I consider it normal
Everything is quite plain
I'm tired of the pain I sustain

I'll never have kids because of you
I don't deserve love becuase of you
I can't see anything but pain
I can't enjoy anyone's touch
I know it'll never be love
Just let them all **** me
And I'll call it enough

Except I'm not enough
I'm disgusting and damaged
My skin is peeled and broken
Scarred and red
Too many tears I've shed

I'm labeled a freak and crazy
Life is kinda hazy
Am I real?
Can I ever heal?
I don't think so

I just want you to please go
All three of you
I see all of you In everyone I meet
The yeller the ******* and the molester
You're in the eyes of every person
I can't find comfort
Because you'll always find me first

As a child
I'd look up
Look to the stars
The night sky
I felt so high
I felt a home
Hope
A special glimmer

I forgot to look
As I grew
I lost a sense
I lost my friends
I lost the sky

I try to look again
I try to see my friend
The stars I loved
The glimmer I hugged
They are lies
They are false
They are gone
Someone else

Almost giving in
Almost giving up
I look over
I remember
My one true love
The moon has me
The moon saves me
The moon is real
It makes me feel

You can't take her
You can't have it
If you tell me it's a lie
I'll always deny
It's the last glimmer
All I hold onto

I need to believe
I need to see
The moon is real
It helps me heal
I'll look into her
I'll smile again
Take a deep breath
release my pain

If the moon goes
I go
They've taken
My snow
They've taken
Almost all
I know
I shall never
Let this go
This is how
I'll grow
I'll glimmer
I'll shimmer
I'll shine
With hope
So divine
It's mine
I can share
The beautiful glare
On my face
To all
*** the moon
Is beautiful
And for everyone
With a heart
For everyone
With hope
Hold onto her
And look up
Give her a glare
Take a moment
To stare
Breathe it in

Let the moon win
Let the moon
Give me hope
It's barely there
But for moments
I feel her
My one true friend
Letting me in

I like being teased
I like being poked
I like the little nicknames

It's cute when you steal my hat
It's cute when you runaway with it
It's adorable making me chase you

You pushed me out of my chair
They asked if I was mad
Nah it was funny
Now I'll kick you back

I got sad and fell to the floor
You pushed me over even more
Til I rolled around
I started to laugh
Trying to fight you back

Sadness gone
Giggling strong
Now your  hiding my things from me
Making me blush nervously
Did you take it?
You big *** faker

I'm drunk as hell
Everyone else left me
You were trying to sleep
But stayed up with me
As I called you all sorts of silly names
And started tons of childish games

6am you had to be up soon
Who needs sleep
When we're laughing
Feeling High as a balloon

I wanted to *******
But I was so lost
Felt so insecure
Yet you kept with me
When I thought you'd leave
Hey at least grab my *****
I'm leaving at noon
I'd like to leave an impression on you
You silly goof

When you called me kitten
I felt overly smitten
It rang in my head
Even after I left
I wish I let you
Touch me deeper
Deeper inside me
Then just a silly tease
My head said please

Yet I still felt better
Knowing we both wanted to

Carry it
Carry it
Carry the pain

I wrote you a letter
I watched it burn
I drowned it
I drown you
Now it's your turn
You've been drowning
Me
For so long
No more,
Atlas I can hear
my own song
I watch you drown
I can finally
Calm
Down

I can finally
Carry it
The pain
Will never go
This I know
I can carry it
With me as I go
Into the sun
I was never much a fan
As I let it in
I can feel it in my skin
I can
Carry it
Within

I wrote you a letter
I watched it drown
It came back up
From the ground
It came back to me
I turned around
Don't look back
Whispered to me
I took the hands
Of my future
To be
I walked away
Never again
I say

Never again
Let myself drown
Never again
Lose my own sound
I hope
I pray
Never again
To feel that way
I will carry it
Every day
I will carry myself
To a better place

I wrote you that letter
With all my heart
I drowned you
Without a second thought
Goodbye
And good riddance
I am free
I am free
I am free
To carry it
To be me
I am free
Of drowning
In your guidance
I am free
Of your tyranny
Goodbye
And
Hello
To me
Again
I'm my new
Beloved friend
❤️

Take a gun to my head and pull the trigger
Take a gun to my head and make it quicker
Quicker quicker
Let the bullet hit my brain
And simmer simmer
Quicker quicker

Take a gun to my head and pull the trigger
Take a gun to my head and make it quicker
Quicker quicker
Let the bullet hit my brain
And simmer simmer
Quicker quicker

They say to stop being sad
About the same thing
Now I'm sad about everything
Maybe I don't know a good thing
Til it's gone
So I try to hold on
To everything
Everything

My head is screaming
It's screaming to tear apart
My heart
If I don't let it out
It'll continue to shout
Inside my head
Inside my head
Screaming
Screaming
Not for death?
Then for what
For what

Nobody believes me
Nobody sees me
Nobody hears me
They think I'm ok
I just have too much to say
Too much to say
In a day
They ask
How can I be sick?
You look ok
It makes me sick
They think that way


They say to stop being sad
About the same thing
Now I'm sad about everything
Maybe I don't know a good thing
Til it's gone
So I try to hold on
To everything
Everything

Nobody sees
*** they don't want to believe
I'm not cutting myself
I'm not drugging myself
I'm not killing myself
So I must be ok

It's simply not that way

I've heard it my entire life
I've been ignored
Told I'm fine
Professionals and
Family
They don't know
How they've
****** me
To screaming
Inside my head
Screaming
It won't stop
Til I let it out

This is my healing
My art
Just like me
It's torn apart
Ignored
Tortured
For truth
Tortured
For attention
Never to mention

How badly
How strongly
I fight
The urge
Every night
To drink myself to death
To try something crazy
To throw myself from the ledge
Maybe a needle would help
Maybe the guilt
Wouldnt be felt
Maybe I can be dealt
with
I try every day
As I tear my skin away
To be okay
I'm not
I'm not
I'm not *******
Okay
I'm insane
I know this
I rationalize this
But it's not
Bliss
It's not easy
Nothing can please me
The screaming
Keeps coming
Until it's quiet

When it's quiet
I'm sad
But I'm quiet
I'm alone
I'm in bed
Stuck to my phone
Empty
Empty

Nobody gets me
....

They say to stop being sad
About the same thing
Now I'm sad about everything
Maybe I don't know a good thing
Til it's gone
So I try to hold on
To everything
Everything

The screaming comes
I then become
Annoying
Crying
Buying
Lying
Dying
Until
I write
I write
It needs to be let out
I feel I never
let the deepest parts
Out
The right way
The right way
How can I say it
I'm paying for it
The lies I tell
The way I held
Myself up
I'm just a silly
Goofy
Eccentric nuisance
I don't need help
I don't need felt
Listened to
Heard
I can be
Ignored
It's in me
Swirling all around me
Tearing apart my body
I want to scream
I want to run away
I'm always running
Running
I hate running
What am I running to?
Sometimes I think
Death
But I'm terrified
Of nothingness
I want to release
Open my flesh
Cut me
Shoot me
Gun me
Let me misbehave
Let me show you
The cave
I live in
The maniac
I fight
I am not winning
I'm not sinning
I'm only leaning
Closer
Closer
Closer to
Pure insanity
I fight so hard
I get no credit
Because I never let it
Show
Never let it
Show
I never let it
Go
Never can
I let everything
Strand
Me
Hurt me
And I keep it
I hold it
I don't know a good thing
Til it's gone
So I hold on
To everything
But it's wrong
Some things
Are bad
Bad
Bad
I'm going
Mad mad
Mad
From the screaming
But nobody's listening
Maybe I should run
Maybe I should cut
Maybe I should fill my gut
With poison
Give me one reason
Why
Why
If I don't try to die
Die
Die
Nobody listens to me
Cry
Cry
Cry

They say to stop being sad
About the same thing
Now I'm sad about everything
Maybe I don't know a good thing
Til it's gone
So I try to hold on
To everything
Everything

How can I let go
Let go
How can I show
Show
The pain inside
The reasons I cry
Without hurting myself
Without losing myself
Without
All this hell ?

Can anybody tell
...
Maybe they can
They just...

    Don't care

I know it's annoying
I know I'm a broken record
For months
And years
Crying over the same things
But it's like
I lost the best part of me
And she's ran away
Without ever missing me

I have to ask myself
What's wrong with me
I have to ask everyone
If they still love me
Or if they're also planning
On leaving me

I want this to stop
I can tell myself to get over it
But it won't quit
I can call you a *****
Tell you you're selfish

But I still won't win
I've lost
So much these three years
And Everytime I try to heal
I lose something else precious
It's miraculous
I'm still trying

There is no denying
This will always hurt
Can I ever heal the burn
When is it my turn
To tell everyone off
To tell you you hurt me
And I don't want to see you
Or pretend it's okay
Or pretend it'll go away
But you left me once again
Broken and lost
Crying and lying
Thinking I'll never be good enough
Now I truly feel everyone will leave me
I can't get close to anyone
Befriend anyone
Everyone hates me
Or loses interest
Best friend for ten years
Guess that really meant nothing

Tried to make amends and you left me
Didn't even try
And acted like nothing transpired
Nothing matters to you besides yourself
I gave you so much of me
And you took it and gave nothing back
Well one thing back
Broken pieces of a heart
That was already trying to heal

You steal
And hide
You run
And lie
You pretend
And make fake friends
You are selfish
You were never
My best forever
But a user
Who wanted to feel safe
Wanted someone to throw everything on
We had so many amazing memories
Now they're ruined
All burnt
She's broken now too
The group is gone
The place I thought I belonged
It haunts me
Every face name and place I see
I'm drowning under sea
Chained down and gagged
While you watch
Driving your boat to safety
Leaving us behind for the unknown

Where do I go now
How can I escape
They say get over it
Like I was ever good at getting over anything
Even if I was
I could never get over this
What I thought we had was bliss
Now it's an empty abyss

It's gone amidst
Ghost haunt me in the dark
Your face lurking in my dreams
You're life terrozing my job
Everytime I see you with that snob

So how do I get over this
The best parts of me
The happiest memories
Thrown away in the trash
Like it never mattered
Like I don't matter
You were the one who taught me to heal
To feel something so real
But you became so selfish
You threw me away
And now you don't wanna say
That it's over

Leaving me doubting
Leaving me wondering
Guilty
Sad
Confused

I have been so used
It's time to let go
But I've gripped so hard to this
How do I let go of my life ?
Even if it's all gone
I can't let it go
You were everything
We were everything
Now we are nothing
And I'm just suffering
Turning to rage
Locked away
Throwing up emotions
Every day

I want myself back
I want you back
Us three back

How can it be right
To throw this away
It feels wrong
Makes me sick
I can't even fathom it

But you

...you

You already took the trash out
And never looked back

I'm not your good girl
I'm not your angel
I'm not the innocent bliss you want

I'm the mess of the world
Im the party girl people judge
Im the **** you're ashamed of

I'm not who you think
I'm not what you wanna see
I'm not this prairie girl

I want to be me
I want to do bad things
I want to be a *****

Why won't you let me be
Me

Cotton candy plush
Glossed lips crushed
Yours against mine
Colors redder then wine

Smooth tanned skin
Winter pale with sin
Beatiful mixture
Paints a vintage picture

Italian herbs blended
White roses bedded
Refreshing to the soul
Letting me grow

Foggy afternoons
Blowing up like balloons
I need to see clearly
I need this so very dearly

Pounding
  Pounding
           Pounding
                            POUNding
                                         POUNDING
                      poUNDING
               POUND
ING
       ING
POUND

Everyday
It pounds
Each side
I'm on the
     ground
Crying
Cry

   Ing
How many times
Can i wish
     For
        Eternal
Dark

            Ness

I could feel you
In my heart
For tbe first time in years
You came to me
Awoken my eyes

Broke all the lies
Running in my mind
I felt your wind
Blow through me
You calmed me

My heart sped up
But my tears began to stop
I felt you there
You answered my prayer
Maybe not
But
I'll beleive it

For one night I wasn't alone
As I've been shown
Maybe there's always someone
Watching over me
Keeping me safe
So I'll fight
Fight til I die

I pray you're always by my side

I hate you
And this heart
Beating within me

I hate this
The crippiling desire
To curse your soul

What's wrong with me
   what's wrong with me
      WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME

I hate the sky
It's beauty is a lie
the blue peace is a facade

I hate existence
The very feeling
Burning with blood

  Why am i like this
    Why am i like this
       WHY AM I LIKE T H I S

I ******* hate myself
**** me and everyone else
Take a sledgehammer to my brain

I loved everyone
I thought i did
Love was never known to me

I hate that I hate
It's filled with anger and hurt
But maybe i must hate

Before i can learn to love

I'm wrestling with myself
I want to do things
Fun, wild, new things
But no
No no no
That's too crazy

Stay in bed
Sleep yourself away
Remember the consequences
In your head

I want to let it go
Live the life I missed
Loosen up
Go with the flow

I get so close
I feel it in my bones
Tattoos, ***, parties
Being a little naughty
But I leave it at almost

I'll almost do it Everytime
Then I say it's not right
Then I feel sick and cry
It's a hard learned chime

It rings and I quit
I must not sin
I must not live
I'm too afraid
All I feel is a pit

I'm so confused
What do I want to do
There's fighting in my bones
It's leaving me broken and bruised

I just don't know
So asleep I'll go
It hides all my woes
In my dreams maybe I'll go
For peace and snow
In here the real me can show
With no regrets or fears below

Life is like a game of chess
I've been thinking about this a lot as i try to rest
Intially it's a game you strive to play with another
Playing chess alone wouldn't be worth the bother

Now i know probably not original to compare life to chess
But i cant help see the resemblance, if i may stress
Chess gives you many players to help you along
With those players comes choice right or wrong

Every move you make causes another to act one way
Later you might regret not letting that piece stay
You have a goal to make it out safe and win
And of course you try to succeed even with a little sin

A many time you may be trapped by another
Maybe a piece you counted on turned into a bother
You stragetize every move in order to survive
But at the same time won't win unless luck is on your side

Sometimes it's hard to see through the chaos which move to pick
One day you'll be a queen feeling mighty and slick
But one wrong move and you'll feel useless as a trapped pawn
But the game doesn't end until your last breath is drawn

No matter how hard you fight you may find yourself in ultimate checkmate
causing a panic and crying you lost your fate
Or you may find you succeeded your goal and came out safe and sound
Though either way you are still not bound

With whichever result you find yourself in
You can always  start over with a new beginning
Although im sure most can relate
That mostly every game of chess you'll play ends in a stale mate

How come every
     Sick
           Abusive
Dark

Love song i hear
Reminds me
Of you

The fear
The essence
You hold
      In
     Me

It's not beauty
It's disgusting
Im disgusting
     Stop

You say I'm not
*** you know
It's ******* disgraceful

It's not tasteful
You inside me
But i take it
    Burning

Whisper my name
Surround me
Scream in shame
      
Noones to blame
You're a demon
Crawling about
        My skin

Swim skin deep
Keep me warm
You hold me down

With a frown
I'll sing a song
To honor your name
           So lovely

Am i keeping you
Or do you keep me
I thought i was a fighter

In the mirror a cryer
To others a lighter
Within it's burning
         Empty

Oh but of course
I see it now
You arent me

You're just the terror
And screeching
That rests within
        M  e

I miss you
I miss the heart aches
I miss the stomach aches
I miss your absence
I miss the way you'd dance

Surely I miss you
I miss the sickening dew
I miss the crying on the bathroom floor
I miss me hiding behind the doors
I miss the anxiety
I miss my text left unread

I miss the "love" in my head
The  pain in your bed
The empty throbbing afterwards
The touched but not too far
The left unsatisfied and scarred

I loved the smiles you brought me
I loved the child you saw me as
I loved the women you'd rather pass
I loved the tears that made you laugh
I loved ever single unspoken desire
Never brought me higher

I deserved every manipulation
I deserved every tear
I deserved every touch
I deserved you so much
I deserved the confusion
I deserved your advantages
I deserved every bandage

I apologize for my obsession
I apologize for my opression
I apologize for my misbehavior
Obviously I knew better

It's my fault it went too far
It's my fault I'm forever scarred
It's my fault I wanted you so bad
It's my fault I ever made you sad
It's my fault I told my dad
It's my fault I got mad
It's my fault
It's my fault
It's always my fault

Thank you for using me
Thank you for abusing me
Thank you for accusing me
Thank you so much
for not leaving me untouched

You gave me what I wanted
You gave me everything I needed
You gave me attention
You gave me suppression
You gave me pain
You gave me deep stains
I can never ******* clean

I'm so sorry I spoke up
I'm so sorry I woke up
I'm so sorry I broke it up
I'm so sorry I exist
I'm so sorry I can't reminisce
About anytime before today
I'm sorry I'm this way
I'm sorry I misbehave
I'm sorry I tried to be brave
I'm sorry I got in everyone way

I miss before you
I miss before I knew
I miss my life
Before you stabbed me
And I apologized to you
I miss you
When I was close enough
To be able to ****** you
The way you murdered me

I missed you.

Depression
                           -----------
                          Lonliness
                 ­          -------------
                          Suffering
               ­              ---------
                       Pain.        Love
                Hurt.                    Scream­s
         Hated.                                  Needy
    Abused.                                             Sad
  Mocked.                                           Ugly
  Ashamed.                                   Religion
      Scared.                                     Scarred
         Poor.                                          Lost
           Weak.                                  Sick
               Fragile _    hurt _   broken