this can't happen anymore
these twisted games you play
that i slowly let you win

the side glances, the hand-holding
all the flirting
it leaves me wondering if we could be
good together again, but i know we couldn't

here's the messed-up part of it all
i know that you mean so much more to me
than i do to you
it leaves me torn, while you walk away, again

i guess it's confusing
the way i say i love talking to you,
but i never message you back

so how did it get to be
that i am the one talking first
waiting on you to respond
and never getting an answer

you were the one person that i was comfortable with
and now we never talk,

or actually you never talk

so i am left talking to myself
hoping that you'll start talking back

appearances are everything
we are always told about inward beauty
but people will see what they want to see
we are judged on how we look
not on who we are
we are in a masquerade ball
where everyone is not who they appear to be
never really knowing who somebody is
i guess we will never know who they are
if we can't look past how they look

i was lying on the floor
staring up at the ceiling
the laughter from my family
floating towards me
i should have been there
part of that
for once everyone was there
except for me
because i'm never there,
and in that moment
on the floor
with distant sounds of my family
i thought about dying
clarification.
i thought about killing myself
it hit me like a wave
almost coming out of nowhere
reminding me of the problems i have
haunting my every move.
but i got up,
cleaned up,
and walked out of my room
trying to act like a tsunami hadn't come
destroying everything
yet again

waking up silently screaming
gasping for air at the same time
wondering how it got to be this way

where sleep no longer is rest
it no longer lasts

its become something you avoid
but can avoid for only so long
before you succumb to the horrors again

reliving the worst experiences
over and over
until you begin to break

you wonder if this is how it always was
how it will always be
when the madness will end

each night is the same story
a continuous cycle
where there is no hope of it being broken

you were the fire during the rain storm.
the person who seemed dependable.
that you would be there through even the hardest times.

i'm sorry if i made it too much about me.
and forgot about you along the way.

i'm not good at relationships.
that was always you not me.
remembering the anniversary's.
taking the time to tell me i was beautiful.

i loved you.
i just didn't know how to show it.
now i guess i never will.

i need you out of my head
you are taking over my thoughts
and all i can think is you

now you are taking over my dreams
something so precious
a place i didn't want you to be

i have become consumed by you
and i don't want to be

so please leave me and my head
go so that i can think once again
so that i can breathe
so i can feel like myself

you seemed to be all the colors
that made up this beautiful + vibrant person

i can't wear colors
they remind me of you

the color exploding behind my eyes
is made up of the memories i have of you

all my thoughts have turned monochrome
it's hard to remember the color that was there

the colors i loved i now hate
they remind me of when i still had you

now i have lost you

she likes to hide in forests
where the trees can conceal her
open spaces have become dangerous

she likes to watch the stars above
and pretend they're watching her
they are the ones that see the true her

she likes the darkness where she can be at rest
it envelops her in a way nothing else can
for the light leaves too much out in the open

i feel like i'm not fitting in anymore
like i have lost my place
to be honest
i'm not sure i had a place to begin with

i look at my friends
and realize i am becoming alone
i'm not sure when everything changed

do you not say hi anymore
because we weren't actually friends
or do you just not care

do you only talk to me to get with her
because it's been this way for too long
and i can't do it anymore

i'm tired of this push and pull
this constant back and forth
not knowing who to trust
or where to turn

i don't feel like i fit in
because i don't know who i fit with
i don't feel like i have a place
because i don't think i'm good enough for any place

i'm trying to be okay with being alone
not being lonely
but alone
but i get confused
and it gets hard to remember which is which

i thought we could fly
the way you held me so tight

i was sure i wouldn't fall
that heights didn't bother me
not anymore

maybe it was because of you

if we were close to the ground
i couldn't tell

i thought you were my forever

but i learned
that forever isn't you
that the flying feeling doesn't last
and when you look down
your feet are already on the ground

want to know something?
I loved you
and I told you I loved you
but now im not sure
sure if I would recognize yor face
sure if you would recognize me
im not the same person anymore
and I doubt that you are

i want a love that captures me like a hurricane
one that is all-consuming

so i can't tell where you end
and where i begin

so that the beating of our hearts
is as loud as the thunder around us

i don't want to just be swept off my feet
i want to be swept away
completely

and when the storm passes we will be left
ragged and torn
completely wrecked by one another

if i have to fall in love
i want it to be like a hurricane
memorable and shattering

i am alone
totally and completely
it wasn't like this before

i had so much attention recently
slowly i was trying to pull away
i was crumbling under all of it

i'm not used to people seeing me
i'm the invisible one
i'm the one no one pays attention to

i cut off my hair thinking it was time for a change
the only thing i feel is more vulnerable
i don't have my shield anymore

so here i am, alone,
waiting for somebody to save me
when all i do is push people away

i used to call myself a reckless heart
that was a lie

my heart hasn't been reckless
at all

you've held it for years
without my permission

i don't know how to take it back
when it's been yours this whole time

can anybody love me
would anybody care
if i die alone and empty
without someone there
is there somebody out there
who will love me to the end
love me more than just a friend
so can anybody love me
after all that i have done
will all my flaws and faults
im still hoping that you're there
so if anybody hears this
this is my final prayer
i pray that God will send you to me
before i run out of air
so if anybody loves me
will you speak up now
because im running low on faith
that there's somebody out there

i sit on top of the world

it took me a while to get there
but the view alone is worth it

seeing all that is below
all i have overcome
and looking back to where i started

i breathe deeply
with the sun beaming down on me
my hair whipping around my face
the cold wind makes me new

i take one last look before descending
remembering
but knowing
that i will be on top at least once more

she needs help
more than she thought

she needs you to be strong
because she can't be anymore

she needs to feel loved
even when she doesn't think anyone loves her

she know to cry out
when she can't do it anymore

handing over the control
and for once
being at peace

the paths we take determine where we go
how we act
who we meet
everything

"the path less traveled"
the path most people like to think
they have taken
but if everyone took that
it wouldn't be less traveled anymore

we never really think about the magnitude
our decisions have on our lives
how one simple mistake
can change your life

so when i meet a fork in the road
how will i know which road to take
am i making the right choice

have i chosen a path that will send my life
into a rabbit hole that never stops
or did i pick the right one
the one that leads to my dreams

i am breaking
slowly shattering
into a million pieces

unable to be put together again
slowly disappearing piece by piece
swept away and forgotten

no hope of feeling whole
no one to pick me up
no glue can hold me together

wondering who i am
what i have become
and who i will be

who can i be
when i am missing so many parts
to what was a happy person

what can i be
when there is no more left
to what was used to be me

i am tired of feeling like i am in last place
i don't know how i will ever be as good as you
everything i try so hard at seems like it comes naturally to you

i am sick of how you take everything for granted
you don't appreciate what you have
i wish for once you could see what it is like for other people

you are so blinded by your own opinions
you have no idea what anyone else is thinking
or what others are feeling

you put yourself first and that's all the matters
others are just collateral damage

i am the collateral damage
i get hurt by you at every single turn
i am pushed behind you like a castoff  
i am never free from you

i just want to be my own person
not constantly comparing myself to you
so just for once notice that i don't have it all
you do

if the shooting stars
went over our heads
would you sit with me
and make a wish instead
and let's pretend
that constellations are our friends
we'll point them out
one by one
until every little star
has begun
to understand
that it is more
than just a little one
it's part of a masterpiece
one i can only wish upon
once a week
so stay with me
and make a wish
underneath the stars
and the galaxies

why listen to silence when there is music
that's something i said
but i don't believe it

in silence there is reverence
a kind of quiet that is incomparable

in silence you can find peace
you can find the answers you are searching for

though it may be hard at first
let yourself be consumed by it

because once you are in the silence
you will be able to hear the noise

i am sick of you ignoring me
not answering my messages
not even looking at them

you said you cared
you said you like talking

i guess you lied

no i have no way to tell you
how much i hate you
how much you ruined me
how much i loved you

stop telling me i'm pretty
i don't think so
and i never will

stop telling me i'm innocent
you don't know me
or half the things i've done

stop telling me i'm strong
when i am silently and slowly
breaking inside

stop telling me i'm good
because all i can think about
is the bad i have done

stop telling me i'm cute with him
to me he is destructive
and i was just getting over him

stop telling me i can make it
because i don't think i can

i just want to disappear for a while
i want to forget about everyone and everything
not forever
not yet anyway
but just for now
because i am tired
of trying to get through everyday
i don't want to think about dying
i just for once want to be able to truly live
without these thoughts clouding my brain
so i need to disappear
and see if you would be okay
if i would be okay
without me here

i walk through cities i don't know
exploring the endless maze of concrete

seeing all the different kinds of people
those who down on their luck,
suits with phones pressed to their ears,
college kids lugging around massive backpacks

i think about all of their stories,
the lives they have led
i want to ask
if they could live their life all over again
would they still be the same

so as i walk through busy streets
full of possibilities and dead ends
i wonder what the city has in store for me

i know that i can be emotionless
i know it seems like i don't care
most of the time i don't
what i don't like is when you say
that i have a black soul
or a black heart
every time i hear that
i feel another brick building the wall
you have no idea how hard i try
to be strong
to be fearless
to be powerful
you don't know
how many times
this heart and soul has wanted to just stop
so the fact that you mock
me trying my best
hurts more than i like to admit
and it just reminds me
of why i don't show my emotions
in the first place

i feel like i am constantly tired
not always physically
but tired of the way that i am treated
how i am pushed aside
so others have more room
tired of the way i still think of you
i wish you would get out of my thoughts
just letting me be alone
tired of seeing the same things
over and over and over again
somethings never change
or maybe i'm just tired
because i don't like sleep
and haven't gotten enough

0.1 i forgot how much i love to write and what this community felt like
0.2. i don't think i can hide my depression and anxiety as well as i thought i did, because i think you know
0.3. this is what being alone feels like when surrounded by people
0.4. what being in your arms feels like
0.5. how it sounds to say i love you and mean it

the piano softly builds
then he starts to sing

this boy that everybody hates
just singing

making us realize
once again
why we fell in love with him

his voice brings back memories
his lyrics drawing out emotions you wanted to forget

he sits there
just singing

making sure that we don't forget
him, this, and us

i am in a constant state of denial
telling myself over and over
my problems weren't real
i made them up,
but i know that it was real
it happened
it changed my life
not for the better,
but i'm still not sure,
i can't ask people if i'm crazy
because nobody knows
except for two people
and now that i'm a little better
i doubt myself all over again
wondering
if i'm okay now
was i always okay?

i hate that i have days
where i just feel sick
constantly nauseous and a fast heart
being filled with anxiety
and still not knowing why
when nothing you have done
is different or scary
but there is still that feeling
that just seems to never go away

this is about feeling something. and it's about feeling nothing. this is for the days when you feel unstoppable and like a superhero. this is for the days when you feel empty and invisible. this is for those who sleep and sleep as a way of escape. and this is for the those who can't and won't allow themselves to sleep.

there is always a way to overcome. to face your demons head on and realize that you hold the power. to hold on like it's your last breath because at some point it could've been.