I don’t think I’m in denial anymore… but sometimes I guess I almost just forget. Like I’ll just randomly see or hear something that reminds me of you and then I remember a memory of us together— and then all of a sudden it’s like it hits me all over again and I realize I’ll never see you again… and it’s just such a gut wrenching thought. I wonder if I’ll remember the sound of your voice or how you used to light up when you laughed; that large, bowl full of jelly Santa laugh you had! I miss it more than I ever thought possible. It’s so strange to think you’re really just not here; not part of this world anymore. Forever is a very long time to not see someone or talk to them again… it’s a scary, vast amount of space and time that seems almost empty in your absence.

It almost doesn’t feel real sometimes, though the necklaces and box that have what is left of you physically, remind me otherwise. I wish you were here. I can’t remember the last time we had a proper conversation, or even just a visit. Covid really messed that up for us… I wish I could have gone to see you. I wish I could have spoken to you more. I hope you knew I loved you and that I always have and always will. You have left an ache in my heart that I don’t think will ever be fully healed. I know you didn’t mean to and you would hate for me to feel this way, but I just miss you and wish you could have stayed.

I hope you’re happy wherever you are out there. I hope it’s beautiful and free from any pain. I hope it’s everything you wished for and more. I hope you come visit and check in sometimes. I hope you know how much I miss you.

Love always,
Papas sunshine ☀️

To the man who raised me where my own father couldn’t,

Papa… where do I even begin?
I love you more than words could ever express. I will always cherish our time together- even though I will forever hate that we could not have more- and all the lessons you taught me. You were the most sincere, hard working, admirable and loving person I will ever have the fortune of knowing.

You were my protector, my knight in shining armour, my superhero, my rock, my anchor, my confidante, my defender, and my best friend. There will never be a man in my life who could ever measure up to your strength, love and kindness.

I’m sorry I’m not ready to let you go… nor do I think I ever will be. I guess part of me just thought you would be here with me forever. I really wish that were the case… but if it’s time for you to go, I guess I can settle for you being my guardian angel instead.

I also just want to thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for always being there for me without ever questioning it or wavering.
Thank you for holding my hand and guiding me.
Thank you for wiping my tears, hugging me tightly and always knowing how to comfort and cheer me up.
Thank you for protecting me.
Thank you for always having my back and supporting me.
Thank you for all the times you soothed my anxiety attacks growing up.
Thank you for all the nights you spent up with me when I was afraid.
Thank you for your undying love and support.
I can’t ever thank you enough for everything.

I miss you so much. I wish I could talk to you once more. I wish I could tell you how much I love and miss you. I wish I could thank you and apologize. I wish I could joke around with you.

I wish I could have you sing to me- in that god awful tone-deaf singing voice of yours that always made me laugh. I’d even put up with you singing Chicken Talk.

I wish we could have had more time, but I know that no amount of time would ever have been enough. I got you for almost 25 years and I guess that will have to be enough.

I would give anything just to be able to tell you this and for you to be able to hear me and respond. I know you’d tell me not to cry and not to be sad. I know you would tell  me you love me and always will. I know you’d also tell me to take care of Nonna and Callisto, Nova and the kids.
I just wish more than anything I could actually hear you saying those things.

You are my sunshine, papa…

Always, your little girl.

I don’t think about you as much anymore. I don’t feel the same way about you either.
All those feelings that used to cut me to the core seem like distant memories, possibly even as far back as a previous life. I do remember though. Vividly. What it felt like. That white-hot feeling of panic, stemming from the pit of my chest. Followed by the feeling of being cold, so very, very cold. As if you’d stripped me of any and all warmth I ever carried. My light had faded and faded- until it eventually burned out. For a while I was just numb, nothing felt real. It had to be a long-winded nightmare… I was going to wake up any minute and roll over to have you pull me into your arms, reassuring me it was all a dream. It was all in my head, right? I never woke up.

Or at least, I didn’t think I did.

Today I saw a poem that made me realize, maybe I have finally woken up. I don’t think about you as much, and I most certainly don’t feel the same way about you either.

I’ve always been consumed with a sadness and heaviness i could never rid myself of
I wrote constantly.
I knew what heartache felt like and yet nothing could have prepared me for this.
I have not yet lost you.
You’re still here, you still love me.
But for how long?
My mind keeps running back to that sadness to that emptiness and i ask, “how much longer do i have?”
I’ve taken up tarot cards, runes and pendulums and i ask them all the time.
I ask them how things are really going.
I ask them if you still love me or if you’re only pretending.
“How much longer do i have?”
Why?
I want to be prepared.
I want to know you’re leaving before even you do.
I want to grieve before it happens so it doesn’t **** me.
I feel the anxiety burning in my chest already.

I find myself daydreaming about a future where I’m in a lonely little apartment late at night and I can feel your arms around me. However, when I roll over to face you there’s no one there and I remember that you’re with someone else and you’re happier with her.

I don’t want that to be real.

I don’t want you to leave.

I’m scared.

So I try to hope for the best but I want to prepare for the worst.
Please tell me how long I have. Please tell me before it ends.

Give me something. Anything to quiet this feeling; this hollowness. Is this what happiness feels like? Is this what it’s like to be content?
I’m empty. I am a vast shell of a vessel that’s filled with such potential, such hope; but I waste it.
I’m wasted.
I’m wasted on the thought of you. The thought of you with someone else. The thought of being alone.
I don’t want to be alone.
It hurts. It shouldn’t hurt.
I am empty.
I don’t know how to feel but I do when you’re near and I wish that it would stop.
I want to be happy always.
I don’t want to be dependent on you for the sun to shine. I don’t want to feel as though you hung the moon. You didn’t. I did.
I’m wasted.
Wasted youth. Wasted love. Wasted space.
If this is what it is to be content; to be happy…
It’s a numb feeling.
Everything is perfect and yet…
I’m empty.
I love with a burning passion, so much so that you get torn up and scorched in the process.
It is not a slow burn it is all consuming.
It consumes me.
I’m consumed with a lonliness when you’re gone and when you’re here I yearn to feed it.
I need to feel you, I need to be near you. I need to know you’re not leaving. I need to prove to myself that this is real and that you are here and that you love me.
If I don’t I burn, my fire stays in me and it burns, it burns, it burns.
I’m overbearing.
I’ve scalded you; it’s too hot, you can’t breathe I’m smothering you and I can’t stop.
You push me away and the flames grow larger.
But when you go, the fire slowly dies out.
I’m not passionate.
I’m not a writer.
I’m empty.

He is safe. He is happiness. He is everything.
He takes away the anxiety. He takes away the hurt. He takes away the pain.
He makes you love yourself. He makes you feel like you aren’t alone.
He keeps away the nightmares.
He holds you. He tells you all the things you need to hear. He pushes you to be a better person.

Without him you are afraid. Without him you are unbearably sad. Without him you are nothing.
Without him you are anxious and bed ridden. Without him you are ridden with depression. Without him you are in constant psychological pain.
Without him you hate yourself. Without him you are alone and always will be.
Without him you have nightmares and sleep paralysis that never seem to end.
Without him you are cold. Without him you are no longer pretty- you are no longer anyone’s favourite person; you are no longer loved. Without him you’re an awful person and no one wants to be around you.

He is security. He is life. He is air.
He makes you do things you never thought you could.
You aren’t afraid to be with him. He makes the voices go away. He makes the paranoid feelings less intense.
You can touch him without feeling like you’re having a heart attack. You can kiss him without feeling like you’re going to faint. You can lay with him and not feel like something bad is going to happen.

Without him you are lost. Without him you want to die- there’s nothing keeping you here but him. Without him you can’t breathe; you feel like you’re drowning- suffocating, always.
You’ve always been afraid of anyone with romantic feelings towards you. You’re always afraid of people touching you or kissing you or anything that relates to intimacy- but you’ve never felt that with him. There have never been heart palpitations. There have never been anxiety ridden shakes and hot flashes. You’ve never felt faint around him. You crave his kisses- you want him to hold you.
Without him you’re afraid of everyone and everything. You never leave the house. You never go see friends. You’re too scared to live your life- you’re too afraid to die. You barely exist.

*But worst of all- without him, you’re left alone to have to deal with me.
Without him, us voices come back to taunt you and we’ll never go away.

It's crazy what can happen in a day;
in an hour; in a moment; in the blink of an eye.

One minute you're fine, the next you're in utter chaos.  
One minute you're complete, the next you're empty.

All in a matter of seconds the sky can go from being bright and clear to being grey and disastrous and the same can be said about people.

You never know when a storm cloud is going to strike until it's too late and you're stuck in the rain without an umbrella.

6:15 am*                04/28/16


I’m sorry.

I just wanted to start out by saying that.

I should have fought harder for you; I should not have let myself be persuaded into letting you go when I knew I didn’t want to. The truth is, I was scared- I was scared that I wasn’t going to have enough. That I wasn’t going to be enough. I know now that I was wrong. I would have been strong and I would have been okay and I would have loved you more than anyone could have imagined. Even if it was hard I would have worked through it. But, I doubted myself, and that’s where I failed you.

I could just blame everyone else around me and say “I didn’t have a choice,” but to me that’s just taking the easy way out and avoiding my faults to try to put my own mind at ease… but it would only make me feel worse. I knew I had a voice and I knew I had the choice to speak up and use it but I didn’t. By the time I realized that, it was too late and my fight wasn’t heard. I tried… but it took me too long and it was already happening and I couldn’t stop it.

…

You would have been so loved. Everyone would have spoiled you rotten. The kids (my siblings) would have been especially ecstatic to have a new baby around. My mom would have been happy to be a grandmother (as I’m sure your dad's mother would have been as well). My grandparents would have welcomed you as a great grandchild and you would have been worshiped by my grandpa who absolutely loves babies. I’m sure your dad would have been upset for a while I was carrying you, but when you actually got here he probably would have been completely different about it. He would have had no choice but to love you, too.

And I would have loved you. I did love you. I didn’t even know you yet and I loved you already. I still love you and I always will. I know it’s easy to say “I’ll never forget you” and then stop thinking about it and move on and forget- but you were such a big part of me, even in the short amount of time that you were mine, that I won’t ever be able to forget you. You are a part of me now and you’re here to stay, even if you aren’t physically here.

You will always be loved.

You will always be missed and you will always be remembered.

R.I.P 04/25/16.

(never forget: 11/26/16)
                           ^Your birthday.

Too quiet or too loud.
    Too aware of my surroundings or too far into        
    my own head.
Too social or too isolated.
    Too distracted or too focused.
Too anxious or too emotionless.
    Too awake or too tired.
Too giving or too selfish.
    Too many thoughts to speak or too little to
    form a sentence.
Too easygoing or too manipulative.


             Too much. Too much. Too much.

and the only thing that gets me through the
day is knowing that someday my skin will
change. it will change and it will shed and
soon enough i will have a clean slate and
i will have a body covered in skin that you
have never touched. maybe someday my
mind will do the same and i can forget that
you were ever a part of me, someday i will
let go...

... and i need to leave now. i think it
would be easier because now i realize that getting
attached to you would be stupid- and
i can't afford to make anymore idiotic mistakes.
i can't handle being broken again.
i can't, i can't, i can't.

The sad thing is you had someone who would
bend over backwards and crawl through
fire on my hands and knees with swords
in my mouth- I would have bent myself
into any shape or form to find which
you liked best. But you never gave me
a chance and you never will and I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I wasn't enough. I'm sorry I couldn't
be what you were looking for. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

aries:** tell us why you always feel like you're letting yourself down,
even when you try your hardest. tell us who made you believe
you'd never be good enough- what was their name?

taurus: when is the last time you felt like someone cared
about you? why is it that you feel like you're all alone in
this world? where has everyone gone?

gemini: how many times have you cried this week? how many
times were your tears over people who don't even think of you
any more?

cancer: tell us about how you can still feel their fingers in yours.
tell us about how the last time they held your hand it burned-
better yet, tell us why.

leo: how many times can someone kiss your wounds before they heal? when will you finally be able to move on again?

virgo: why do you feel like everyone is out to get you? why
is it that every time someone looks at you, you feel like
they're planning to hurt you? who was it that betrayed
you last?

libra: you're always getting caught up in what everyone else
thinks- but what about you? why do your own thoughts and
opinions get pushed aside if they aren't like everyone else's?

scorpio: how many times did you repeat that you loved them?
how many times did they tell you they didn't want to hear it?
tell us about how it felt like you'd been punched in the chest
and how your heart hasn't beat the same since.

sagittarius: why do you pretend not to have a heart? why
do you wear a cloak to cover yourself up? why do you
feel like you have to make a joke out of love? why can't
you let anyone in?

capricorn: if you really loved yourself, you would know it,
wouldn't you? so why is it that when you look in the mirror,
you can't tell whether you like what you see or not? tell us
what it's like to be afraid to search for beauty in yourself.

aquarius: how do you feel now that the storm has calmed?
did everything turn out the way you thought it would or has
your house been more damaged than anticipated? why is it
that when you look for help with rebuilding everyone
seems to be too busy with their seemingly untouched homes?
who was the first to turn their back on you?

pisces: why do you look for love in all the wrong places?
why do you go after the most damaged people? tell us
about how you want to be able to fix people because
no one ever offered to help fix you.

she's been trying to mend the wounds he
left behind since the day he said goodbye
and meant it.

she's been trying to come to grips with the
fact that the last thing she'll ever hear from
him is that he doesn't love her anymore.

I have a permanent ache in my chest- and every time he talks to me it gets worse and worse. It's becoming more difficult to ignore. I used to be able to push it out of my thoughts and pretend I was okay but I don’t know how to do that any more. It’s like this emptiness is taking over every thought I have. I'm scared if I don’t get rid of him it will swallow me whole but at the same time I’m terrified that it will engulf me in darkness permanently if he’s gone.

It’s like he’s become both the life preserver and the tidal wave. Talking to him drags me to the bottom of the ocean and drowns me but at the same time somehow pulls me to the surface and pushes the oxygen back into my lungs.

I don’t know how to live with or without him.

He's like a cloud:
he looks solid, but there's really
nothing to him.

He's like a child:
ignorant and stubborn as a post.

He makes tornadoes look like walks
in the park and earthquakes seem
as intimidating as a daisy.

His outbursts of anger are as
strong as any storm- they are
enough to cause ruptures in my heart
and have the ability to split apart
my flesh with the precision of a
scalpel; and the worst part is,
they have.

That's the thing about time,
it doesn't stop for anyone.
No matter how much you beg
the hands, they just keep ticking.

She tried to block
everyone out.
She told herself she wouldn't
allow anyone to hurt her any more.

She lied.

She knew, deep down, that the walls
she prided herself on - the ones she
claimed she topped with barbed wire
and electricity, were really just small
white picket fences with far too many hinges.

She knew that there was a
“Welcome” mat sitting at the door
to her heart that had been caked
with the dirt from the previous men
who had walked all over her.

Yet it still lay there, cheery and
hopeful as ever, that one day
someone would walk in and
make themselves at home-
maybe someday someone wouldn't
end up walking right back out.

She was naive- blind sided by her
own dreams that one day things
would be different;
that one day she wouldn't have
to hurt any more. She dreamt that
she would finally meet someone
who wasn't like everyone else.

Someone who would stay.

Her dreams would never come true;
but no one had the heart to warn her
of that-
even if they had she would have
disagreed, even though
subconsciously
she would have known she was
the one who was wrong.

Her heart may have been weak but
her will was weaker.

She never had the strength to
protect herself; or to build better
walls; or to burn the welcome mat;
or to lock the door.

She’ll never know
how not to let people in.

So instead he greets the
with a smile and dives in
heart first, granting everyone
a chance to get inside
and destroy her, every time.

She’ll never learn…