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  Dec 2017 lulu
I hold on
Even if it ******* kills me
I hold on
Like there’s no person that can do it better
I hold on
When you leave me this lonely and cold
I hold on
Thinking about our best days together
I hold on
Every day I feel like giving up on you
I hold on
Because you are the most beautiful I’ve ever seen
I hold on
Feeling like I could lose you any day
I hold on
Wondering what you’re doing without me
I hold on
Trusting you with my battered and bruised heart
I hold on
Loving you in the sun, rain, sleet, or snow
I hold on
Holding you when I need it the most
I hold on
Will you hold on too?
  Aug 2017 lulu

I looked at the stars like I do every night,

and I cried.

because this time,

I remembered

that some of them are dead.

and I realised

just how envious I was,

that I was not as beautiful as a star,

even though,

I too,

was still there.

yet also



I've lost my love and I don't know how to get it back.
  Feb 2017 lulu
You wake up and roll over to the empty space beside you on your bed where he used to lay.

He's immediately on your mind.

You look out the window; it's raining again.
It feels like its been gloomy since he left; like even the sky misses the way he used to light up your eyes.
And when he left, the sun decided to go too; so now you mourn with the sky. You watch with envy as the rain pours from the clouds, wishing you could let go that easily.

Soon it's dark and all you've done is wish he was here with you.
You lay down, leaving an empty space reserved for where he would lay and think tomorrow is a another day.

You've been saying this to yourself for a week now.
lulu Jan 2017
I’ve always been consumed with a sadness and heaviness i could never rid myself of
I wrote constantly.
I knew what heartache felt like and yet nothing could have prepared me for this.
I have not yet lost you.
You’re still here, you still love me.
But for how long?
My mind keeps running back to that sadness to that emptiness and i ask, “how much longer do i have?”
I’ve taken up tarot cards, runes and pendulums and i ask them all the time.
I ask them how things are really going.
I ask them if you still love me or if you’re only pretending.
“How much longer do i have?”
I want to be prepared.
I want to know you’re leaving before even you do.
I want to grieve before it happens so it doesn’t **** me.
I feel the anxiety burning in my chest already.

I find myself daydreaming about a future where I’m in a lonely little apartment late at night and I can feel your arms around me. However, when I roll over to face you there’s no one there and I remember that you’re with someone else and you’re happier with her.

I don’t want that to be real.

I don’t want you to leave.

I’m scared.

So I try to hope for the best but I want to prepare for the worst.
Please tell me how long I have. Please tell me before it ends.
i might be crazy
lulu Jan 2017
Give me something. Anything to quiet this feeling; this hollowness. Is this what happiness feels like? Is this what it’s like to be content?
I’m empty. I am a vast shell of a vessel that’s filled with such potential, such hope; but I waste it.
I’m wasted.
I’m wasted on the thought of you. The thought of you with someone else. The thought of being alone.
I don’t want to be alone.
It hurts. It shouldn’t hurt.
I am empty.
I don’t know how to feel but I do when you’re near and I wish that it would stop.
I want to be happy always.
I don’t want to be dependent on you for the sun to shine. I don’t want to feel as though you hung the moon. You didn’t. I did.
I’m wasted.
Wasted youth. Wasted love. Wasted space.
If this is what it is to be content; to be happy…
It’s a numb feeling.
Everything is perfect and yet…
I’m empty.
I love with a burning passion, so much so that you get torn up and scorched in the process.
It is not a slow burn it is all consuming.
It consumes me.
I’m consumed with a lonliness when you’re gone and when you’re here I yearn to feed it.
I need to feel you, I need to be near you. I need to know you’re not leaving. I need to prove to myself that this is real and that you are here and that you love me.
If I don’t I burn, my fire stays in me and it burns, it burns, it burns.
I’m overbearing.
I’ve scalded you; it’s too hot, you can’t breathe I’m smothering you and I can’t stop.
You push me away and the flames grow larger.
But when you go, the fire slowly dies out.
I’m not passionate.
I’m not a writer.
I’m empty.
is feeling content the same as feeling nothing at all?
lulu Oct 2016
He is safe. He is happiness. He is everything.
He takes away the anxiety. He takes away the hurt. He takes away the pain.
He makes you love yourself. He makes you feel like you aren’t alone.
He keeps away the nightmares.
He holds you. He tells you all the things you need to hear. He pushes you to be a better person.

Without him you are afraid. Without him you are unbearably sad. Without him you are nothing.
Without him you are anxious and bed ridden. Without him you are ridden with depression. Without him you are in constant psychological pain.
Without him you hate yourself. Without him you are alone and always will be.
Without him you have nightmares and sleep paralysis that never seem to end.
Without him you are cold. Without him you are no longer pretty- you are no longer anyone’s favourite person; you are no longer loved. Without him you’re an awful person and no one wants to be around you.

He is security. He is life. He is air.
He makes you do things you never thought you could.
You aren’t afraid to be with him. He makes the voices go away. He makes the paranoid feelings less intense.
You can touch him without feeling like you’re having a heart attack. You can kiss him without feeling like you’re going to faint. You can lay with him and not feel like something bad is going to happen.

Without him you are lost. Without him you want to die- there’s nothing keeping you here but him. Without him you can’t breathe; you feel like you’re drowning- suffocating, always.
You’ve always been afraid of anyone with romantic feelings towards you. You’re always afraid of people touching you or kissing you or anything that relates to intimacy- but you’ve never felt that with him. There have never been heart palpitations. There have never been anxiety ridden shakes and hot flashes. You’ve never felt faint around him. You crave his kisses- you want him to hold you.
Without him you’re afraid of everyone and everything. You never leave the house. You never go see friends. You’re too scared to live your life- you’re too afraid to die. You barely exist.

*But worst of all- without him, you’re left alone to have to deal with me.
Without him, us voices come back to taunt you and we’ll never go away.
|| " a paranoid schizophrenic who suffers with codependency issues, anxiety and borderline personality disorder"
lulu Oct 2016
We’ve been intertwined for quite some time now.
I love the feel of your arms around my waist,
My head on your shoulder.
You scent engulfing me,
Rendering me safe and at ease.
I wish I could say everything feels the same,
But somehow tonight feels different;
There’s a heaviness in the air as you fight
To keep your secrets from me.
‘What is it that you have to say, my darling?
Am I not enough for you anymore?’
I can’t find the words to say and it’s apparent
That you can’t seem to either.
‘Is this really over? Is this how our story ends?’
I feel you’ve met another, someone who brings
The flowers in your cold heart to life-
Someone who warms up your chest and makes
Your breath become heavier and your pupils
Become wider- an affection you had once for me.
Tonight our goodbyes will be permanent and
I won’t hear from you at sunrise.
*Had I known this would be our last dance,
I would have dressed for the occasion.
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