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Cordelia Rilo Oct 2015
my lids are heavy
held down by pain and dried blood
I can feel the ground
my fingers wet
the smell of a public toilet
it's dark
I feel like I've just lost my mind

Two days later I'm pressed against hot benches
light blaring down on my
now red
bare chest
I know I can't move
"Sit Down!"
if I stretch my legs
just for a second
I could be in here the entire day

Five years later
sewing in thick gloves that don't fit my once feminine hands
I can see past the windows that can't open
men walking in the grass
gray clothes
gray hair
walking together as if they were chained
or had been
for far too long

One year later
the walls laugh at me
their pathetic attempts at a
"***** feel"
I see my friend in the corner of the room
I'd missed her
I start walking towards her
and notice her chin caked in spit
and her eyes glazed over
with emptiness

will I ever be free
will I ever convince them
will I ever run again

*will he ever find me
Clara Cartwright, 1929-1931
Cordelia Rilo Oct 2015
oh father how your face has grown old with defeat
oh sister your arms have become so gaunt

the men march below my window
a beam of light crosses my tattered dress
how can there be beauty at a time like this?

the store fronts are empty
just the soldiers in their black uniforms
feasting on all of the wine and banquettes
we aren't allowed to buy with our ration cards

the children walk with their faces towards the sidewalk
the babies never cry anymore
they've lost the energy for all of that

but the birds they still sing
that sad and lonesome song
"I would like to leave it all if I only could"
and we said quietly to one another
"C'est la fin"
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2015
I was always proud of you
you were my hero
To watch you grow old
forget your words
repeat yourself
is a painful experience
I was never prepared for this
but time is altering us
so I keep my distance
preferring to remember the past
when I was so naive
and you
still tall
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2016
all I do is wait for your number
all I do is wait for your call
what's the point of even keeping tract now
why do I have any faith at all
when did you stop caring if I called you
when did I start caring that you stopped
now I only fumble through recent contacts
but it never says "missed call"
Cordelia Rilo Dec 2015
she cowers down
her cape draped around her shoulders
holes litter the shawl
allowing the snow to chafe her

the raw air punches her face even as she attempts to cover it
she dreams of invisibility
that the cape was transparent and white like the snow and the forest
that the darkness could encompass her
but it doesn't

she still hears footsteps breaking branches
deafening in her ears
her fear is palpable
it feels heavy and suffocating
her eyes are clutched tightly shut
afraid to see what will develop or appear

louder now
the footsteps
a branch nearby snaps
the wind slows down
quiet for only a few moments
but she knows that's what she should fear most
the silence before the storm

fingers swiftly scratch at her cape
rip whip marks through her backside
so severe she can feel the blood before it comes
she wails but nothing comes out

the hand snatches her
his long slate fingers pulling her towards him
his nails stabbing her skin
too much pain to even cry
Cordelia Rilo Jan 2016
rapid dancing feet
cigarette flames burning
all mouths open wide
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2015
I relinquish control of others
and assume the role as leader of myself

I feel a throbbing for self gratification
and I'm going for it
pushing and kicking
until I get what I came for

Love is my feeling
I control it
******* too
they're all mine

I feel a need for freedom
so I'm packing my bags
and leaving town with the wind
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2015
I never knew how to tell you when we first met.
Those long silences we exchanged had such meaning behind them,
I was afraid to remember myself.

It was so different back then,
in those memories of youth
now turned to sickening realization.
In the beginning you would always ask me to show you pictures
or tell you stories about my past,
but how could I explain something
I didn’t want you to ever have to understand?

How was I supposed to bring up Bobby J?  
You didn’t even know he existed.
How could I begin to tell you about how he and I would sneak out, without bursting into tears?

We would sneak out
after dark had just covered the rooftop of our house,
down to the riverbank that was just feet from our backyard.
On warm summer nights we would dip our hair in the water
and pretend we were sea creatures,
back to rid the world of humans
and giggle for hours.  

He would always call me Chrisy back then,
a name you’ve never known.

“Chrisy,” Bobby would say quietly
as the stream whispered in our ears,
“when’s that man getting out of the house?”

I would splash him then and tell him,
“When you stop lettin’ him bother you!”
and we would continue to play
in the wilderness of our imagination;
pretend we were soldiers in the deep of a war,
or wild cavemen with swords made of wooden sticks.

Momma always caught us coming back
but it didn’t matter none back then.
She would catch us sneaking in the back door
and she’d grab us and throw towels over our wet,
creek watered hair
and say what trouble we were.
“Just two bundles of trouble these two!”
she’d always say to us and to no one in particular.

We’d go to bed then,
afraid he would be coming soon,
and then all of Momma’s logic
would go up in that crystal pipe he’d bring over
that got black as Momma got stupider.

How was I to tell you about the night everything changed,
when the bad got badder
and Momma didn’t make it?

I didn’t want to remember the good days;
I didn’t want to remember any of it.

I just wanted to forget the sound of his gun,
the way Momma screamed,
and how he shouted for us to keep quiet or never see her again,
and Bobby J was never good at being quiet.

How could I tell you that one night
I kissed his ***** bruised face and walked away?
That I left that horrible man,
the only home I had ever known,
my real name,
and my baby brother,
and I never looked back.
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2015
Being in love means you don't know someone
It's a chemical reaction to hormone attraction
Either you love someone, or you don't
being in love means you haven't decided yet.
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2015
The dragon's tail
will whip the **** out of you
stay close, don't wander
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2015
I see you everywhere I look
this ghost daughter of mine
in the backseat of the car mimicking the songs on the radio
in the grocery store holding my hand tightly against your tiny one
in the morning sunlight picking out your dress for the day

I hear you everywhere  
you introducing yourself to guests at the front door
saying your whole name proudly
first, middle, and last
your voice screaming, "Mama!"
when you don't get what you want

I feel you everywhere
dancing in your tap shoes to L.O.V.E. by Nat King Cole
putting your arms out at the end
smiling ear to ear
jumping on me when I get home
holding onto my stomach with your arms
pulling on me
telling you what you've done today
your warm forehead when you're sick
and the feel of your brown hair in my hand as I pull back your bangs
I've never met you
but I miss you always
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2015
watching me always
sunken eyes in the birch trees
black holes in my mind
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2015
When the dust settles
and the streets are paved with broken headlights
lights blinking and screams heard from miles away
my thoughts are silent

When the noise settles
and we're left with our bare sticky skin
the moans replaced with your heart beat pulsing through your veins
my thoughts are silent

When the sun settles
the dusk turned into stars
and the dogs aren't barking and the babies aren't crying
my thoughts are silent

Shh,
can you hear them?
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2015
I looked up  Bell's Palsy on the internet yesterday
I always expect the worst
cancer
deformity
disappointment
If I expect it, will it lessen the blow?
or is it a waste
and I'll die in my sleep surrounded by loved ones?
Life has no guarantees
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2016
When I was 6 the Devil spoke to me
told me not to believe all the lies they had told
that nothing was real, not even myself

At 9 I met God
he drove away with my mom in the car
she waved goodbye through the window pane
said she was leaving for a better place

Then at 18 I saw them together
both holding pills of different shapes and sizes
I chose the red one and when I awoke
You stood beside me
said it had all been make believe

So I packed my bags
and drove off in the night
praying to heaven or hell
it was just another night
Cordelia Rilo Nov 2015
she waits for the bus
feels the fat pooling around the top of her jeans
like drunken donuts
the white milk licking the sweat
off the insides of her thighs
her muffin top
round cheeks
stare back at her in the passing car's windows
reflecting her embarrassment

she stares down at the ground
thinks she'd rather starve than be fat
tears pressing at the corners of her eyes
the bus comes
her stomach growls
she gets on the bus
decides to order a pizza when she gets home
tells herself
she's had a hard day
Cordelia Rilo Jan 2016
my throat is numb from screaming your name
coiled in the fetal position
**** parts pressed against bed sheets
Cordelia Rilo Oct 2015
"Just drop me off at the next corner.
I need to get out."

I'm amazed I've lasted this long
I have a **** in my side
that's got to be puncturing my spleen or liver or something by now

I stumble out of the car poorly
hand the driver a $100 dollar bill
and as he speeds off
my eyes adjust to the lack of light he left behind

I look around for an awning
pick the black garbage bag up from the damp ground
feel its weight in my sweaty hands
heavier than before

I pull it along side me to the back side of a bar
toss it gently on the ground
I feel fortunate I've found an awning
as it begins to rain again

I finger the scratch marks she's left on my arm
allow the rain to wash away the blood
as I glance at the garbage bag again
and start to choke up

My tears burn my cheek
begin to irritate my eyes
I feel lonely so I pull the top of the bag back just a bit
and look at her eyes
the skin around them is turning blue
blood's pooling at her mouth

The tears start up again
I'm sobbing like a baby without a bottle
as I lay down next to her
it
place the metal muzzle against my spleen or liver or whatever
watch it blow out the right side of me
and that's it
I see black
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2015
I see myself
through the windows of trains
in different cities.
Sometimes I have earphones in
and I’m staring out the window
as the light passes over the tops of buildings.

Sometimes I have a girl asleep on my shoulder
while colored houses
line the hills.

Sometimes I’m crying
and no one on the train notices.

I see myself as an outsider
looking at a picture,
or a movie frame,
moving quickly by to another moment
that will be documented.
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2015
light bleeds past curtains
stale bread waits with cold coffee
bills slipped through the door
Cordelia Rilo Mar 2016
fits clutched against the bed sheets
pulling in strides as I come
holding on to that moment of ultimate control

"when did I lose my mind?" she asks no one in particular.
"was it morning? were the birds singing?"
" I don't know my love. It is hard to say" I respond.
She sighs, "I only hope that it was beautiful. That the sun was shining. "
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2015
The windows of the plane are tiny
Normally they would make me feel anxious
and claustrophobic
but not today

It's raining
the sky is gray and I feel like I've been punched in the stomach too many times and now it's numb
My mouth is dry and most likely it'll only get drier

I said "I love you. I'll miss you."
and we parted ways.
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2015
suffocating heat
sun pressed against sweaty clothes
the dog is panting
Cordelia Rilo Dec 2019
I'm a drug addict
I'm sorry I don't have anything better to say.
Did you know I have secrets I keep from everyone?
Is that normal?
The things I've done for drugs would make me sick so I don't think about them.
Everyone wants to be a better parent than their parent because they did such a bad job, but they did their best and my best will only be sub-par.
Where are we going?
Are we just looking through the rear view mirror as we drive away from the fire?
Cordelia Rilo Dec 2016
I want to remember quotes from Intervention because they're honest
I watch the show to make myself feel better but I usually feel worse
and then when I'm sober I get upset I didn't enjoy my high so much,
and what's wrong with being high?
I feel like a zombie with no purpose, an unhappy zombie
this is all going to be deleted
delete delete delete, that's a hard word to type out
I watch the clock but I don't know what I'm waiting for
October? when my life will be complete?
everything seems like it will be inevitably sad
bad outcome
sorry ma'am you didn't make it
Cordelia Rilo Mar 2016
I watched you drive off through rain stained windows
too angry to stop you
too shocked to move

Since you left nothing's been the same
stars we once saw
they've all gone dim
I haven't seen the sun in weeks
the skies permanently gray

I saw your sock in my laundry pile
I washed it
couldn't bare to throw it away

The seasons keep changing
from warm brown to cold black
and I still get your mail sometimes
but not your calls
I run my fingers against your plastic encased name on the envelopes
and hope silently you don't stay gone
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2015
There's only trees and whipping vines in front of my eyes
I'm moving forward but I still feel their branches
slapping my cheeks like ice

I relate everything to the cold
my nose
and toes
and stomach
are always cold

I bolt forward through the pain
You're screaming at me
I can feel it
You're tearing things
throwing things

The river's current is louder now
closer
the sound is excruciating
and suddenly I descend
wrenched and dragged by ice arms

I watch you as you become smaller on the land
and I'm underneath
my body numb now
surrounded by silence
I close my eyes
*Goodbye girl
Goodbye world
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2015
past lovers, white lies
the power of empty rooms
secrets they possess
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2015
If there are two things I've learned
it's that the tide always changes
and nothing lasts forever
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2015
I'm two seconds from my next in a train of stupid thoughts
the last two were
"you matter"
and "I left the phone off the hook"
Didn't you read my apology?
I'm sorry I didn't hit you slower so I could have laughed longer
I think she was right,
"the harder he gets
the *
better"
From: my past
To: survivor
Cordelia Rilo Mar 2016
My depression hits hard and heavy
like black curtains on the windows
like nothing your medicines will cure

I sat in my window today
watched the birds gather on the roof across from me
their feathers fluff and flatten
flatten and fluff
decided to stay there until they flew off
enjoy the beauty in the landscape
then had thoughts of jumping off the sill
(13 stories down)
it seemed like a normal train of thoughts

it's been windy lately
leaves whipping at my door
stems bending as it blows
hurts my bones and makes my body ache
but you'll never understand
Cordelia Rilo Apr 2016
I fell in love with a girl
who picked flowers instead
of arguments and had no
time for bad things
because she so carefully
curled herself
against them.
you were summer recklessness
but you always had these
two rules: stay with me
and don’t become a ghost.
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2015
"There's something freeing about bring outdoors,"
she thinks as she rides past the houses on her bike.
She watches as the sun bounces off the houses onto her face
and feels its warmth against her skin.
These houses are expensive
"in the millions",
she says aloud to no one.
She dreams of a life where one of these houses could be hers,
which one she'd own if she could pick any.
She comes to a stop sign and slows to watch the oncoming traffic.
A car waits for her as she speeds past.
She hopes the occupants think she lives around here.
Although she's sure they aren't thinking about her at all.
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2015
I love the way I look when I gasp
I hope I go out gasping for air
Head up
mouth open
like I'm coming and burning at the same time
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2015
The gardeners are too noisy in the morning
I can't stay asleep
I hear the chainsaw's screams
I feel the rose's pain

My head throbs from not sleeping
Long nights buried in books
Cold nights wrapped in blankets

The cats fight and the babies cry while
I let the shower run hot
Chest burning
Suffocating breaths in thick steam

I went to bed early
My hair still wet
I closed my heavy eyes
Searched my pill box
nothing
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2015
Your hair was long when we first met
you would crawl under the blankets
and I would feel it tangle in between my fingers
your skin was porcelain cream
the taste and feel of honey

In these moments of silence we created a world of fantasy
holding each other
we built buildings and temples
then watched them burn down
from the holes we had dug
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2015
Candide
with his mind full of optimistic thoughts
appeared before God with his arms held forward,
palms up.

God,
the large black man that he was,
leaned down to Candide,
his throne shaking the heavens.

Candide spoke softly
as to not upset the almighty powerful God,
"God," he said,
"I have lived my life to the best of my ability.
I have hurt no one and keep a faithful and honest mind,
may I enter the heavens?"

God,
having heard Candide's words
appeared very angry
and slammed his large fist against Candide's head.

His strength was so
that it plummeted Candide past purgatory
and into the pits of hell
where the Devil had been anticipating his arrival.

Satan,
the small white man that he was,
walked over to Candide laying on the ground,
hurt and bleeding from his fall and said,
"Welcome home."
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2015
Now the lies that they've (we've) told have surely grown old
Childhood stories of growing up and the happiness it holds
melts into the facts
life clearly, it lacks
so she falls short and stumbles back to memories

"It's too hard to handle", she often would state
everything it seems, is a disappointing weight
By those who had once held onto her hand
the notions about the way they had told her to stand
"Hold your head up! Walk with pride! Look for rainbows!"
Now every single time she is loaded with woes
so she lays down and aspires for days spent in memories

And I never really thought what they said could be true
well I guess I did in daydreams when the sky was clear blue
By examining their faulty smiles
their faces as long as the Nile
I would give up and fall back into memories

Sometimes I wish I was stupid and young
I tell myself in all honesty and with my mouth open sung,
"If I wanted I could just disappear and then cut"
So every once in a while when my eyes are held shut
and her (our) body lays in blood and lost memories
Cordelia Rilo Oct 2015
when the clouds all seem to disappear
when your insides are singing
exploding at the same time
when the music blaring on the radio
is exactly the right volume
you text, Everything looks good!
as a group message
your cheeks hurt from smiling
your anxiety a part of your past
given way to euphoria
you look down
place your hand gently on your belly
and say quietly
*"I've been waiting my whole life for you"
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2015
The rain had eased at about two that afternoon
but now
at seven
it was revived again as I drive the thirty-minute route to her house

It was romantic in a sense
seen through the tinted windows
the drops swirling down gently through the freeway’s lights

But I didn’t want to feel romantic
I wanted to feel apathetic
or dominant
or confidant
but none of these
by all appearances
was meant to be

I had always been obsessed with numbers
especially when
out of a random collection of figures
something meaningful seems to be bubbling up
So it was
as I observed the clock turn to 7:07 pm
and I was listening to song 7
on Bob Dylan’s Greatest Hits
Subterranean Homesick Blues

The night is unusually dark
almost moonless
like a black hole
or a road that leads to nowhere

As I’m driving through the hills that separate me from her
I can barely see the sides of the road
only charcoal rolling mountains
and twinkling neon lights blinking far off in the distance

I finally reach her exit
I forget which way to turn after getting off the freeway
and it’s not the first time
I drive for fifteen minutes through the now pouring rain
not knowing I’m going the wrong way
The storefronts are all a blur
their lights spraying in front of my eyes
making it impossible to separate the stores I should be passing
from the ones I shouldn’t be

I go up a huge hill and I know I must have gone too far
I feel stupid and turn the music up
to block out my sudden poor self-esteem

     I turn around and head in the right direction
my heart speeding up as my car races through the rain
my attempt to make up the time I’ve lost

Her house appears up ahead
encircled with a wire fence
stray cats swiftly making their way under it
I question why I’m here again
remember that I told myself not to get attached
and yet...  

I grab my purse and turn my head
just as she appears next to my car
Her outline is as I remember it
I feel warmer
The rain has stopped
Cordelia Rilo Oct 2015
I can still feel my hand pressing against the ***** in your back

pulling you up to me

and kissing you with such fever your lips turned pink.
She
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2015
She
She doesn't look at people,
she looks past them like they're not even there.

She pushes the Push sign on the glass door and breathes in.
The air is stale inside and full of young children holding their parents hands,
teenagers with braces and sweaty foreheads.

Everyone around her barely glances so as not to be the fools that stare,
but some men still do.

When she stands in line to get the few items she has in her arms,
a cashier immediately becomes available and stutters over the total,
glancing too long at the pens, lifesavers, and Chap Stick she’s purchasing
while handing her cash back to her.

She's that type of girl,
the type that men stop and stutter for.

When she exits the store
a man jumps back to hold the door open for her.

She's the type of woman whose jeans fit her *** in the right way,
and her stomach is perfectly flat against the soft touch of her top.

She exits and walks towards her car,
hands tucked lightly in her pockets.
She opens her door and feels the fresh cold air brush her cheek
as she turns her head and throws her brown hair towards the night.

In the car she empties her pockets
of the handful of things she had stolen
and smiles at her reflection in the rear view mirror.

Silently a wave of euphoria runs up through her chest
to the top of her ****.

She turns the key and the radio’s music begins.
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2016
Mama there's boys in my bed, they won't let me out
I cry and yell but they hold me down tight

Their faces melt together, their bodies grow big
They wrestle and fight, my blood filling their mouths
I lay pinned and fastened
I'm cold and I'm wet

Mama there's holes in my clothes
and I tried and I tried but the tears they still rolled
Cordelia Rilo Nov 2015
I wish I could take photos on the rain like photographers
perfect light bouncing off beaming rain drops
pictures that cause people to feel something
instead I walk through the puddles
my eyes still tired from last night's party
the drugs still whispering through my veins
it's all a routine, isn't it?
if you don't feel anything?
just get up
move on
get it done
go back home
do it again
and then I'm standing in a river looking at the sun set over two bridges in Yosemite and I feel something
a moment of satisfaction
of exhilaration
and the routine is all but forgotten again
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2015
When I fell I wasn't scared.

I let my arms throw themselves wildly in the air like you'd see in a film with Alice and the white rabbit.
I let my hair whip around my face,
slash it,
as the wind twirled me down the abyss.

I didn't cry and I didn't scream out.
I just closed my eyes and pressed,
flung,
drove forward.

It must have been two when you called because the neon "Miller Genuine Draft" sign had just gone off on 4th and Alamitos.
I remember picking my cell phone out of my pocket as I fell,
saw the blinking red light with your name glowing across it but I didn't pick up.
I could of, but I didn't because he was there and you weren't.

I licked the **** on the carpet and the car seats,
felt the lint and dog hair attach to my tongue just as I came in the abyss;
eyes rolling and body arching sensations of ecstasy ******* my insides.

The drop was like falling into a down comforter;
soft,
comforting,
generous.

And one,
two,
I was out.
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2015
I drove down the 605 and lost track of time.
"I'm just one drug run away from death", I thought to myself
as I listened to country blues and wondered how I'll feel
when I'm ten years older.
I thought I wanted kids but maybe I was wrong
I'm not sure if I'm tired of being tired
or bored of being bored
or which would be worse.
The heater blasts hot air against my face
It's too hot so I turn it on cold
It's too cold.
It never feels right.
Cordelia Rilo Dec 2015
sun kisses your face
your scent forever present
no noise but the waves
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2015
You can't keep going
The preacher says to the *****
The candles white light
Burns hot in mama's eyes
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2015
With plump **** I devour books
The pages pressed against my soft *******
My belly holding its firm bottom for support
I ravish them
Consume them
Feast on them until I'm full
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2015
It's sweltering hot out there.
I can feel the heat dripping off of me,
the sweat falling off the bottom of my sunglasses,
and my upper lip beginning to become moistened as well.

I leave my sunglasses on.
They make the freeway an orange tone that matches the heat perfectly.
I'm not sure if the air conditioning is broken in my car or not
but I don't attempt to use it I'm so serene in the California sun.

I keep putting my hand out the window although it
doesn't cool me down.
I just feel the heat in between my fingers.
I close my hand because I'm driving so fast the hot wind is beginning to
hurt my hand and I curl it into a small fist.
The image in my rear view mirror is that of a deformed child's hand,
all curled up and pressed down by the speed.
It makes me laugh and reminds me of when I was a child
and I use to distort my face into the ugliest face I could make.
I would stand their in front of the mirror staring at this ugly figure
and ask myself if I would have any friends.
I always thought that I wouldn't even be my own friend with that ugliness,
and then I would change my face back,
so thankful that it was only a game and I was beautiful again.

I inhale another bowl,
the pipe was left in my car and so the tip of it is so hot I can barely press my lips to it.
I feel the sting for a second and then exhale a huge gust of
marijuana smoke that bursts into my steering wheel and then
dissipates throughout the car and rushes out the open window.

I am happy,
exhilarated,
it's April and it's already 103 degrees.
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