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Cordelia Rilo Dec 2019
I'm a drug addict
I'm sorry I don't have anything better to say.
Did you know I have secrets I keep from everyone?
Is that normal?
The things I've done for drugs would make me sick so I don't think about them.
Everyone wants to be a better parent than their parent because they did such a bad job, but they did their best and my best will only be sub-par.
Where are we going?
Are we just looking through the rear view mirror as we drive away from the fire?
Cordelia Rilo Dec 2016
I want to remember quotes from Intervention because they're honest
I watch the show to make myself feel better but I usually feel worse
and then when I'm sober I get upset I didn't enjoy my high so much,
and what's wrong with being high?
I feel like a zombie with no purpose, an unhappy zombie
this is all going to be deleted
delete delete delete, that's a hard word to type out
I watch the clock but I don't know what I'm waiting for
October? when my life will be complete?
everything seems like it will be inevitably sad
bad outcome
sorry ma'am you didn't make it
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2016
all I do is wait for your number
all I do is wait for your call
what's the point of even keeping tract now
why do I have any faith at all
when did you stop caring if I called you
when did I start caring that you stopped
now I only fumble through recent contacts
but it never says "missed call"
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2016
When I was 6 the Devil spoke to me
told me not to believe all the lies they had told
that nothing was real, not even myself

At 9 I met God
he drove away with my mom in the car
she waved goodbye through the window pane
said she was leaving for a better place

Then at 18 I saw them together
both holding pills of different shapes and sizes
I chose the red one and when I awoke
You stood beside me
said it had all been make believe

So I packed my bags
and drove off in the night
praying to heaven or hell
it was just another night
Cordelia Rilo Sep 2016
Mama there's boys in my bed, they won't let me out
I cry and yell but they hold me down tight

Their faces melt together, their bodies grow big
They wrestle and fight, my blood filling their mouths
I lay pinned and fastened
I'm cold and I'm wet

Mama there's holes in my clothes
and I tried and I tried but the tears they still rolled
Cordelia Rilo Jun 2016
I stand at the kitchen sink
pull the tiny glass from the cupboard
and make sure no one is looking

I keep my ears alert for footsteps approaching
take the bottle down from behind the coffee cups
pour it quickly
drink it fast with eyes closed

I feel the burn run throughout my throat and chest
clean the glass
put it away

I sit back down
eyes heavy now
brain mushy

Do it again in an hour
Cordelia Rilo May 2016
my depression's thick and heavy
cold & wet
I run towards mountains
the cold air slapping my cheeks
& freezing my lungs
their white tops gleaming in the distance
-catch me if you can-

I want the years back
they took when I was young
make them disappear
walk away from those sociopath lovers

I stop running
there's a part in the trees
stare up & I'm blinded
-Seattle's always sunny-

I write my name in the tree's skin
& it suddenly doesn't look right
you write yours next to it
draw a heart around them
I smile at you & shake my head yes
pout my lips & say "no"

my eyes open
it's all gone
it's still today & I'm naked in your bed
**-better than any drug-
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