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7.7k · Feb 2015
WASTING
Atypnoc Feb 2015
I just want to know if I'm wasting my time
on some ideals that don't exist outside my head;
to trust it will grow after tasting and climb,
maybe heals moving forward instead.
5.4k · Jan 2015
HOMEOSTASIS
Atypnoc Jan 2015
She chases homeostasis,
   with assorted frantic faces.
She is home when her heart races
   as she desperate fills the spaces.

Replaces
missing graces
with far places
dreamed in cases;
displaces
taken paces,
just retraces
lost embraces.
Baseless
3.5k · Jan 2015
Repress
Atypnoc Jan 2015
You saw by panes held by thin wire.
Two-ways seeing crumbled fire.
I remember autumn
Checking at the bookstore
In your vans on film you wore
No conception of bottom.

A kid from Mexico, 15
Convincingly my age unclean
Walk summer down West Sylvester
Powder sugar walkway, tester
The ******* **** is blue
Wild eyes tell me you knew.

Back across the fairchild lot
He slid to drive; I told- we bought
They'd taken off without their lights
He barreled lone known route recites
As I scream STOP
IT ISN'T WORTH IT
I'LL GET YOU BACK
PULL OVER, ****
No one taught us how to quit
We rotten without teeth to grit
3.4k · Jan 2015
Johanna
Atypnoc Jan 2015
Johanna, Joanna,
Ella paga mañana
Volver para un frente
Teniendo la mente
Sin ropa, sin aire
Asfixia sin despair

(Johanna, Joanna
She'll pay tomorrow
Come back for a front
Having the mind
Without clothes, without air
Choking without despair)
3.2k · Mar 2015
THUNDER
Atypnoc Mar 2015
GIVEN ALL THESE
THUNDERCLAPS
I WONDER
WHERE WE LAST
TOUCHING ON THE BACKS OF OUR HANDS
TOGETHER, FALLING
WATCHING AS WE
SPLIT INTO…

I FOUND OUT
THE OWL, SAYS WHO?
AND THE BEARS
AND THE BEARS
AND THE BEARS
AND THE BEARS
THE BEARS
THE BEARS
THE BEARS
BEARS

THERE IS SOMETHING I MUST TELL YOU
UGH

THERE COMES THUNDER
THERE GOES LIGHTNING
STILL I WONDER
IF THEY'RE FIGHTING
I CAN'T HELP BUT ASK MYSELF
WHAT'S THE WORTH

THEN THEY COME
AND THEIR THUMBS WILL
DRAW NUMB,
AND THEY CAN'T SPEAK
THEY'RE DUMB

HERE COME LIGHTNING
HERE COMES THUNDER
THEY'RE STILL FIGHTING
I STILL WONDER
DOES YOUR NUMB GROW-

DOES YOUR THUMB GROW NUMB
FROM HOLDING DOWN
THE MUTE BUTTON WITH YOUR CROWN
AS YOU'RE SCREAMING, SETTLE DOWN
IN YOUR GOWN

WITH THE TEARS
STREAMING DOWN YOUR FACE
AND THE YEARS
LIKE IT NEVER TOOK PLACE
AND THE HEART
NOW JUST AN EMPTY SPACE
AND THE PART
YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS, TO REPLACE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Es_Zi3UahOo
here's the music video.
largely about the past 10months in TC.
2.3k · May 2015
Seattle
Atypnoc May 2015
Schrodinger's potential is kinetic.
A life unknowing fault versus genetic.
En route to the neurologist/narcolepsy specialist, hoping to gain any insight as to what functional difficulties are within (or what may lay beyond) my control.
2.3k · Feb 2015
Truckers
Atypnoc Feb 2015
I don't know where, if it will end.
Refuse to voice or recommend.
To treat what ails us is pretend.
Slips through fingers apprehend.

To help more than to hurt,
reflexive sunny disposition
which can cradle sallow sleeping stoic pride.
Distinguishing the dirt,
collective run beside conviction;
acting ladle heavy, heaping, terrified.
 
Leave things better than you found them
Received our debtors stand; surround them.

I wonder if to soothe what ail,
under apprehension prevail.
Therein lies each us, our grail -
our demons sinking in each nail.
2.1k · Jan 2015
Beast
Atypnoc Jan 2015
Why turn on the light illuminate the beast that's here?
Who stirs beyond the softness of the focus so unclear...
Condensing on the hairs sprung straight from necks the breath so near
And if i light it, we ignite it, I haven't ways to fight it, giving sight to insurmountable fear
1.7k · Feb 2015
Atypical Narcolepsy
Atypnoc Feb 2015
I'm just

I can't feel my lips
on my face
so still
i cant move them
on their own
i can't tell if they are parted
i can't tell if they exist
i can't feel my hips or
my feet, or my lefs
i can't move them
i can't feel them

i want to break
i want all of the confusion, the disconnectedness
i can cry

but i can't escape this
and i can't can't escape this
there is no break

a million scattered shattered steps
stood stunning
chameleon flattered

I can't move.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l6n_z-FdEkw&feature;=youtu.be
^unlisted
1.7k · Nov 2015
Richland, WA
Atypnoc Nov 2015
Like a tumbleweed
caught
on a chain-link fence
surrounding the lot
where it grew,
I have found to
be humble is to need
what I'm not,
and that pain taught me uncommon sense...
thereby
grounding what has got
me through.

Whatever I thought,
I thought I knew
If I'm freed, I will crumble
and rot, remain sinking
in nonsense that I've misconstrued.

I know I do.
bit of an homage to my hometown; only recently did I realize that other places believe tumbleweeds aren't real, lol
1.4k · Sep 2015
Providence of Purpose
Atypnoc Sep 2015
We gather here a consciousness
collected,
coincidentally of convenience.
Derelict, the meek once scattered
were rejected,
by grace discovers providence
as brothers in uncommon sense-
                                                        -a­bilities receive projected
condemnation, misdirected.

Come
be who you are,
you have done well-come be who you are.
1.3k · Oct 2015
Brother Lake
Atypnoc Oct 2015
The allegation I believe did not require consideration
It was a gross exaggeration out of desperation
This fabrication, and every sick insinuation,
A complication of a self explanation
Of your deprivation and justification
For your manipulation to suit your temptation,
infatuation with your impersonation
Contamination
Indignation within your contamination,
An accusation of your relation became your revelation,
It was not your reputation anymore under investigation
Starving for salvation, you fed each sick implication
As if each misrepresentation in vindication were a donation
To trade your damnation for his incarceration
As if creation of a demonstration

Desperation for an explanation
For your infatuation with temptation
Deprivation justification was indignation,
Accusation of impersonation -
Realization of manipulation
Salvation from damnation
Clarification of contamination
Allegation as donation
The Incarceration cancellation
The only explanation
If anything, if anyone,... I hope something I made for you gets to you.
1.3k · May 2015
trustfall
1.2k · Jan 2015
The Shack
Atypnoc Jan 2015
Comes quite quickly end denies
     No longer able fantasize
What a fool prioritize
     To feed myself such wicked lies
Overwhelms in tortured cries
     The only love ive known still dies
What a fool, you, I despise
     Feebly I demonize
Oh god agree **** compromise
     Take me instead this ****** surprise
So ******* wrong, internalize
     To walk your shoes arent my size
Someday dunno when realiez
     The good, the bad, and always dies

We all born will live to die
     Be so torn, we'll give our lies
Free to mourn all ****** goodbyes
     Agree adorned with compromise

I'm still here
Do they hear?
By all means what I held dear
Forest falling, no one near
I donno quite how I appear
All I know is we're

Alive
I'm still here
Revive
        good cheer
To thrive
       my dear
The drive
       to steer
Alive we hear

Alive we're here
From What the Shack Means to Me, prompted in November 2014 at www.tinychat.com/theroarshack
1.2k · Dec 2016
Lai
Atypnoc Dec 2016
Lai
Something is wrong with my brain
What are we doing?
I think I'm dying
I'm dying
I'm going to die
Am I going to die?
What are we doing?
I'm scared
I don't feel well

-Chu
In memory of Lai.

I work in assisted living, and these are quotes oft repeated by a resident dear to me.
1.2k · Mar 2015
Vividream
1.1k · Jan 2015
Untitled
Atypnoc Jan 2015
it's nice to know it's not for naught
there's value in what can't be bought
where my plans convene with thought
i invest different kind of plot

honeycomb are to the bees
as madness is to mysteries
and are polite priorities
nectar of insecurities?

the recounted sheep are bleating/(bleeding)
cry of wolf to deaf misleading
as i bray again repeating
every note so self-defeating

thrown about the limbs of trees
chaos with-in-discrepancies
that which we melt just to freeze
wring tangles such as these

my journey is while they sleep
shepherdess lost counted sheep
the edge, again, to fall or leap
for flight first failure grade so steep

My white whale wild in the seas
This ship no sail, nor north agrees
Ever-spurning taste of tease
I am ahabs intricacies

to illusion am i ******
eternally roaming the land
through burning thirst for empathy
-i'm plagued with insecurity

in an old biblical story
mortal glimpsed our father's glory
From that instant's blinding light
was driven mad took his own sight

if i could measure and define
truth and where it draws the line
which cliff faces only mine
encases truly, i am fine

chronic illness violently
supressing luminocity
onlookers hang silently
as ash consume ferocity

speed builds on tracks in my train
I know this is too fast, again
upon myself, 'you dare complain,
without reference to real pain?'
all avert their eyes, refrain
saying nothing is my bane
am i alone and insane?
this focus that i can't explain?
creating reason for my pain
purpose for and by diseased brain
1.0k · Mar 2015
stun
Atypnoc Mar 2015
I'm unsure, he's unaware
While still reassuring repair
to cure eyes sore by keen compare
with pure spots blinded in the stare.

Sweet allure within despair
shy and demure, polite and fair
enduring subtle not to scare
For what lie low, cannot prepare
poor but buy woe and bought to share
swore what I know I thought was there
door shut pry so as not ensnare
More room to grow we sought somewhere
the sun would care
for none were rare
to run unspun
bury what's done
no nightmare dare
come
we won't bear
some-
where cared by for the sun.
1.0k · Jan 2015
Bio
Atypnoc Jan 2015
Bio
Narcoleptic storyteller living the dream; it's a ******* nightmare.
Dark eclectic gory hell or giving up steam; watered luck is right there.
Appear today; drawn tomorrow
I could tell which words you borrow
Inconvenienced shades of gray
Eighty shades of sorrow weigh
today, which way to say,
I will stay here when you stray hear
they may play fear, bray they pay dear
Ever listen on to bold tomorrows.
993 · Jan 2015
Hands
Atypnoc Jan 2015
YOU WILL NOT REGRET MOVING FORWARD
960 · Jan 2015
Anomie
Atypnoc Jan 2015
Descending kind of flight
Of thought
Associated free
Comprehending blind of sight
We sought
Delay of anomie
Pretending find the right
Forgot that
Which we can't agree
Defending lined the fight
That bought
Every hidden fee
Made into the song "Anomie" by Atypnoc and Anomic84
https://soundcloud.com/baird-atypnoc/anomie
955 · May 2015
Untitled
Atypnoc May 2015
Today I woke up and looked in the mirror
"Oh great. It's you again."
937 · Dec 2015
To Regret Something
Atypnoc Dec 2015
I was young, we were naive
we knew we had the option, but didn't see why anyone would ever leave
it was easier back then to give the benefit of doubt
to all the words rolling off of a forked tongue
it was easy to believe
when we were young. We were naive.
926 · Jan 2015
PROMPT: Free Will (?)
Atypnoc Jan 2015
We're free
To do, to say, to be
Whatever makes you proud of me
I can oblige, I don’t agree
I can't see eye to eye, you see
I'd lie to try evade that sigh
Assumed reply consumed by why
I had no say conceived the sky
Each passing day perceived too high
Trespassing lay bereaved to die
Til watered ground believed too dry
The forest falls; no use to cry

You never asked to be born to any life
Your say, it mattered none
If ever tasked to bring morning with a knife
Poor day, pit-pattered sun
Wore spray, spit-spattered gun
Swore stay, sit-shattered spun
Floor display wit tattered won

Door away fitted undone
***** will say bitter begun
A score to play hit her home run
Too poor to pay **** owing one

A roar made sore ripcords I tore
Demanding, MORE!
Standing, what for?
No landing, or
Backhanding, or
Still stand ignore
Can't stand no more
Line by line; meaning for the first portion:
They tell us we can be whatever we want to be
that we can speak freely, that the world is our oyster.
But here, I'm only free to become that which you wish of me.
Although I acquiesce, I resent it.
We don't hold the same standards.
I spin fables of what I've done, and hide that which I do, to keep from hearing that heavy sigh of disappointment.
Saying less gives you more room to see me as the daughter you wish I were.
I didn't ask to be born.
I didn't ask to be born with a disorder that requires medications that used to make me into a monster.
I'm ready to go, every night that I lay down
Water the grave with the tears, now dried up
If a tree falls and no one is around to hear it, why bother making a sound?
924 · May 2015
VULTURE
Atypnoc May 2015
Tic talk lunatic,
walking creepy and scary.
Romantic click unlock with no
knocking, too sleepy to carry

The shovel.

This shovel.

The shovel is very
heavy like a rock,
makes it harder to bury
realistic-tic in time, outrunning the clock.
And to talk so simplistic is stunning; we left in shock.

Come write outright, you're right.

Come right out, write your right.

Come write outright your right.
For some succumb without rite read out to right from
being outright far from the right to play being dumb.
So it's mumble along, or remain under thumb.
We both know to be humble is wrong, when you're numb.

Come right out, write you're right.

Stumbling, shout insight;
incite doubt, crumbling.
In slight drought, the sun found dead
the unfounded site gets ahead.
I am astounded by the blood being shed,
when it sounded like the flood
all along was simply dread.

Everything is all inside your head.

But that was wrong, I limply said.
But you were strong. I see instead
that I belong back in my bed,
to track a song I wrote in red
before it's dead. And there I bled.
While I said,

Everything is all inside your head.
914 · May 2015
Cemetery fide
Atypnoc May 2015
She cried In the sun as we sat on the
concrete lip of a family plot.
told me her regrets of returning God's gift.
Life would be so different.
I can never get it back, I'm so ungrateful.


The world underlies.

And we are sensitive people.
910 · Sep 2015
Hare
Atypnoc Sep 2015
when the thick fog creeping on your back seeps past
consuming sickness that was keeping track, gets lost at last
but this relief is leaping into grief, it's getting deep
and getting black, it's coming fast,
the clouds just weep themselves to sleep
since they can't brace for this attack

i may be awake
i may be asleep
i cannot remember
falling either way this deep

I am a dream.

I am experienced only as I occur
Even then the clarity at best is a stuttering blur.
The strands felt by fingertips lips kiss goodbye
can't repeat or be shared or reasoned much of why.
I am a nightmare.
908 · Mar 2015
downerves
Atypnoc Mar 2015
Down I've worn the tread.
I was born already dead.
Atypnoc Feb 2015
Once upon a time there was a bend in a tree, which grew among other trees and lay among the rocks covered in mosses of different hues of purple.

The tree with a bend had a heart, which was aching.

Because as it had been growing, among the other trees, up from the ground with the rocks and the mosses, it had been burning…

But it swallowed the smoke and it made all efforts to conceal the fire, and the embers, smoldering…

And while growing and burning, with the grand secrecy eking out from the ground surrounding the roots, into a sort of fog or mist that hazed the acre, this tree took some maligned pride in the secrets she kept.

Because she knew, regardless of any other perception of who she was...she knew there was a fire within her. Whether that fire being a good thing, or a harmful thing, did not cross her mind as of consequence. Because while one is still growing, without knowing of consequences...relativity does not exist. Like Shroedinger’s cat, really.

She took pride that the secret was one of physical threat, one with an aura of risk. One that would not be delighted in by those around her, were they aware. One that in fact may frighten them.
She felt brave.

And she felt clever.

Because the low-laying fog or origin unknown to the rest of those around her, she knew the origin. And for this, she felt clever.

The fire was a hunger insatiable; but deliberate, and bade time. A sick balance was struck between that which could be afforded to burn in secrecy, and that which was necessary to stoke the fire.

And for some time, she believed this agreement was manageable, sustainable, and perfect.

Then, a day came.
Where another tree, once seeded nearby, emerged from the soil.

She found herself proximally closer to another tree, than she had ever really anticipated.
And it was small.

And she realized, how grown already she had become.
The fires inside of her, had burned down slowly over time to the base of her trunk… burned her from the center, outwards, but more so down, to the base, where it festered and expanded and thrived on the emerging’s of her roots.
And it thrived, and it devoured her where she was anchored to the earth.

She beheld her nearby sprouted neighbor...she looked downwards upon him, and she saw how tenderly he was held to the soil, which had ashed somehow from below?

And she realized how fragile this child was, she realized how innocent, she realized how impressionable, and how dependent upon her roots, and her barrier to the wind, he was.

It was here that the realization dawned upon her for the very first time, that the life she had created for herself- and the intricate and meticulously hidden secrets she harbored ****** the fresh child who was planted in her soil, to depend upon the strengths of her roots, the strength that all around her naturally assumed existed.

She became frantic.

Bound by brittle, burning roots to the place she had sabotaged in her own short-sighted impulses to define herself as a mysterious and special tree.

And the fire, which she felt had coexisted as an equal within her, she realized was not with any of her interests at heart.

And that which she had begun so long ago, she could not extinguish, or tame.
And her own damage, pain, inflicted in her decisions still were of little concern to her, but to face that now someone else completely undeserving of any of these consequences would suffer greater than even she: it broke her.

She lacked any plan to remedy, or seek help, it was far past a point where those around her could offer anything to save her, or help her, or quiet the fire, or save the child.

And so she lived on as a slave to the wicked fires gnawing away at her everything, at the air surrounding, of the soil, of the example…

And she died far too slowly, as she watched each passing day those around her living timid tender serene lives of trees

Oblivious in the 'fog'
….and while the young tree beside her came up, but far slower than other trees ought to…

Came up, without solid foundation, roots that were unable to take hold in the ashy soil
came up, feeling the heat from below and beside, but never knowing well enough to realize it was unusual.

The burning tree died too slowly, and she watched the tree born and die from neglect and inadequate surroundings.

And the small tree wasn't even noticed by any of the other trees, because the burning tree was so enveloped in shame and sorrow to even properly acknowledge the presence of the acres newest sapling.

And so, on she burned, every dawn rising upon the fallen, wilted twig beside her, that only she had known.

And her ashes kept any others from ever seeding and sprouting near her.
And as the years went on, the area surrounding her of death and sorrow spread,
And she was alone.

The end.
905 · Jan 2015
ToPasa
Atypnoc Jan 2015
All it takes is you believing
we could make this work,
    but leaving
         just to lurk
    prompting grieving
         just to perk
                me up ascending on some chariot you broke
                            defending all the arson in the mirrors with the smoke
I cough, and choke
til I awoke
       the words still stuck inside my throat
       you swore you wrote this swollen note
Tell me then, pleading, revoke
to which you reply, I misspoke.

All it takes is you believing
faintly, even so
I'll pound pavement retrieving
anything we need to go.

All it takes is you believing
and I'll vicious fight our cause
til I'm buried or I'm ashes
consuming body by my mind
which precedence for you defined
to hush protests below mustaches
bristled veil the daily grind
and anyone leaves us behind
sees our reflections brightly shined
and they all crashes
and they all crashes

all it takes is you believing.
904 · Feb 2015
Thenso
Atypnoc Feb 2015
I lack the strength of character to come right out these words
I lack the courage to confront my pride amongst the herds
But beyond common decency you contemplated and so brave
gently gave me the map of your heart; which led me to my grave.

So to you from dizzy dreaming, eyes far open wide
I am telling you, abandon me. And when you do, take stride.
You have conducted yourself since day one, so dignified
And I beg of you take my word, I'm not worth what you provide

Love of a good man from a good woman shouldn't hide
And a woman is not good if she's unfit to place aside
selfish expectations knowing how ******* hard he tried,

I love you
And all I will do is hurt you
and shove you.
893 · Mar 2015
CBa
Atypnoc Mar 2015
CBa
A plot we fought in every room
Distraught devouring the bloom
Forgot the seed inside the womb
We ought to make this house a tomb
886 · May 2016
Testemail
Atypnoc May 2016
Once upon a time I had a friend who went by "Klander"

He was quiet and observant and an ever-mind-expander

He may be the only person I'm aware of who I trust

with deeper subject matter, vital, to be openly discussed

if ever there were a person considered Godfather my k9

it's surely Klander/Picojoule, because I know he'd Godfather fine.


And feed him good food, and spoil him til he's rude,

and tolerate the attitude, and not mind the dog seeing him ****.

And he'd clothe him and not loathe him.
880 · May 2015
May2
Atypnoc May 2015
I'm not in the hospital, hit by a car
I know I'm not online as much; I'm not far
from finally finishing out my degree!
Ten days til a Bachelor of PSYCHOLOGY!

Though yes, sad to say, the mishap from last night
Proved unsalvageable what took me all day to write.
But after the panic subsided, in spite
Of the loss I decided to invite
a CAN-DO mantra, that today still recite:

"Citing every source
providing claims; unless, of course,
the statements you express
are YOURS. Original.  Then, yes."

Would be no need to cite,
but I digress; I still endorse
vehemently: just reinforce
Pre-existing bodies,
    empiric and peer-reviewed,
Must become one with your own body,
     long before you can conclude
Much of anything; that, at best,
Could be considered misconstrued.
Which I reckon may elicit a subjectively quite rude
Swing at a pitch from your perspective you thought beckoned attitude
So rather than succumbing, and becoming quite contrite,
Just cite every sentence as though you know of no greater delight
 
AAAAAND
For the friends and acquaintances from on-the-line:
Out among ye mulls around an enemy of thine.
And by proxy, or  vis-a-vis? Uh, nemesis of mine?
Either way, it's a PHONEY! I promise I'm fine!

I wasn't mowed down while crossing a street
By a drunk driver; don't buy into this deceit!
When the hell have you known of me to be on the loose,
And outdoors by a street, with no **** good excuse!

Nah, brah; didn't get rek't, not in the ICU,
Anything 80_hospital says isn't true.
It's hard to imagine why someone would do
Such a thing, and hard to try and imagine who...

Nevertheless: til the mocking bird is absconding
Believe none are who they claim if they're responding
With something extreme, but failing to show face
And put shoe on head or something else, just in case

That for reasons beyond rational ways of thought,
Someone's chosen to wreak havoc on the distraught
At least until that jacka$$ sh!# f#@%er gets caught,
Just, my two cents? If they say "no I swear," they're not.
876 · Mar 2015
taller80
Atypnoc Mar 2015
They tolerate it because it's completely voluntary and there's nothing riding on their presence around me.

Consolidated becomes the repeated solitary hiding, far gone pleasantries by loneliness compounding.
861 · Mar 2016
Copyright
Atypnoc Mar 2016
Either way it is wasting.
Claim your right
  to keep copy from pasting,
thereby laden these words beneath stone
where they lie as they rot, still unknown

Or to say
  what to speak is sweet tasting,
each frame recite
              liberties; terms replaced-
                                           -til the thing
doesn't resonate whatsoever, like it had, let alone
retain echoes of intention from initial undertone.

Incubation of thought from at best a guess of hue...
Distraught by more; eventually confessed
and we implore
what is repressed must we explore,
attest the vast extent this mess was misconstrued.

              Til to not adore much, lest
we curse what bless us as we grew.
Thoughts on copyright from discussions with Picojoule.
856 · Jan 2016
Black Ice
Atypnoc Jan 2016
What came about in a time of wandering.
The consolation  getting  me by was
     knowing  it would  end,
I could  go back
  I could  go  back  to how it was
    I could  go back to how it was when I remember  happiness  
      I could  go  back  to  how it was when I remember  happiness  
           although  the time,
     then,
     was not.
Coming home to where I am safe
and where I can  be  anywhere  but  here.

I got by in dreaming  of stories  to  tell  
that  reflect  where  I  have  been,
where a path of solitude  crossed  theirs
and voice  where  I fear  most  in going.
I busied my mind  in the folds of the concepts,
and I was not afraid.
I came to  where  I knew I would  
but still I can't  stop  wandering.
The house  is here, and  I  am  inside  
but both  of  us  are  empty.
I know  the  stories  that haunt these halls
even  though  I could  lose my mind  entirely
wondering  what they mean.

Is it common
Am I lazy
Am I standing  in a place that never  existed  
and if I exist

why.

I am  losing  the  grip of
whatever  it is that  actually  cares  to know,
if even anything  is worth  knowing.
Insight recognizes a pattern
I never will  find where  it is I am going.
I ought to just stay here, soon it will be snowing.
I'll  wait here.

Closed off, abandoned, derelict, haunted  
DANGER: DO NOT ENTER
             you are unwanted.  
I guess let it collapse  
   on its  own; we can't  pay
for demolition  faster
             than natural  decay.

If you  visit  
   it is to test the
   structural  integrity,
else to marvel at what could  have  been,
pontificate  
   upon  why she
    is what is left.
Or theft.

I wish I could  collapse  into myself
   to be consumed  within
      the black hole in my chest,
so that my lifelong  companion,
   loneliness, cannot  follow.
             It is where
             it is nothing
and where nothing  may follow  as a guest.
Written  9.15.15
Rediscovered  while trapped  away from  home  overnight, by the wrath of merciless  El  Nino
835 · Feb 2015
Humillion
Atypnoc Feb 2015
You learn something new every day
so long as you don't let your ego light the way
831 · Apr 2015
Untitled
Atypnoc Apr 2015
I found out there was fire lingering beneath this skin,
but it isn't of desire and I don't want to begin
accepting death because a pressure expects breath because of flesh.
I need a cure that isn't time for expiration of the fresh.

For incessant insecure impressions,
For obscure convalescent depression.
For when the most unsure become expected to procure
From those defaulted most demure, the idolatry sense of pure(ity)

[Pure] (it evil answer idol along and so sure)
purity villains were right all along and so sure
maybe for eternity despite killing wrong I'm insecure.
'twas thought was sure
Now wrought hot fur-(y)
(Fur)[y motion] from the prime upon itself,
[Emotion]
To where the very notion of good health,
fuels firey devotion to destroy myself.

I found out there was fire lingering beneath this skin,
but it isn't of desire and I don't want to begin
accepting death because a pressure expects breath because of flesh.
I need a cure that isn't time for expiration of the fresh.

I'm where the very notion of good health,
fuels firey devotion to destroy myself.
Written about last month's serotonin syndrome, spurned by doctors who don't care to listen, and offer only, "what we are doing is the best that can be done."
About the suffocation of depression at the idea of THIS being the BEST WE CAN DO.

This isn't living.

For the growing hatred for myself. Unknowing the line that defines what is within my control and that which is not (neurological), the issues I am having and resulting inability to leave the house become attributed to lack of character. And i hate myself for losing tome, I hate myself for sleeping,  I hate myself for staying up. I hate myself for avoiding and I hate myself for isolating.

Thank God for the appointment on the 12th in Seattle with a neurologist and narcolepsy specialist.
830 · Dec 2016
217
Atypnoc Dec 2016
217
Where is he?
He abandoned me here.
They take me outside and the leave me in the cold.
It's my only pleasure in the day.
I need someone with me.
Do you have any idea how lonely I feel?
Do you even know how alone I am?
Where is he?
In memory of 217.

I work in assisted living, and these are quotes oft repeated by a resident dear to me.
783 · Feb 2015
Adelante
Atypnoc Feb 2015
I'm so ******* dizzy from remaining in one place
while the world thrashes around me and collapses into space
it's a wonder just how breathless i am left when the whole race
i ran immobile unsure whether to flee from the life ever-giving chase
775 · Nov 2015
Spectrum
Atypnoc Nov 2015
There is no
knowing where we were
or what we were
there for....
therefore, there is no going back.

Woulds that have been
growing as I
compare
myself, unsure,
but with what
more
I  wish I could,                  I wish I had.

But I'm too slow.             And I lose track.
Rather than show it, I just forfeit every attack.
772 · May 2015
hallucid
Atypnoc May 2015
It appears as though shadows are not of concern,
To they who shed light upon every return.

I am certain the sun cannot fathom night falling,
And really, why would he care?
For the curtain that's calling long after you're done,
To be gone, I don't believe is unfair.

It appears as though shadows are not of concern,
To they who shed light upon every return.
772 · May 2015
withdRx
Atypnoc May 2015
Is it worse, being it that
my plight has no doors?

The line of sight agreeing with-
stand failure to converse,
despite seeing the design I fight myself with my own curse:
to die of thirst while they ignore
the gasping they have heard before.

I might have given more.
I might have given more.
763 · Nov 2015
Missiu.
Atypnoc Nov 2015
I miss you, and the way your eyes felt soft and deep and endless as
we steady held the silence in the gaze.
For how you saw right through me...
brought me to life.

I had nothing to hide.

I miss you and the way you held my heart when it was breaking, every day
you whispered comfort for my fears.
You listened as I fumbled towards awareness of myself,
You were strong. You loved me. You knew me.

I miss waking up to love you, and letting you love me.
To fall completely into each day, into the trust.... I miss before I feared.

I couldn't cope with the concept of you knowing me better than I know myself.

And now I know that I have never known myself.

But you have.

And you were right.

I just needed you to know that now I know.

I want the world for you.
753 · Feb 2015
Fatality
Atypnoc Feb 2015
Everybody acts to empower individuality
to flourish standing certain til succumbing to mortality
though this agenda seems to cease concerning edged reality
and those we carried to the ledge, toss across their totality

I don't know how to get along in a world
where my shared experiences are inhibited.


I sailed across the sea to see if it would be worth the journey
didn't account for the return trip, had bet would be a gurney
and the ocean or salt corroded that which upon I sailed
and i never made it anywhere. Stupidity prevailed.
737 · Apr 2015
April Womb
Atypnoc Apr 2015
May where once
      was a tomb
blossom hope
       in this room
                    to resume trust
                    to consume us
       in the peace
       by the warmth
of this bloom
TRS will never die, it's merely sleeping.
726 · Jul 2015
Tranquiliternal
Atypnoc Jul 2015
Without fail the Ego death
Exhales at loss, in every breath
725 · Feb 2015
With Sam August
Atypnoc Feb 2015
Is the flower first to wilt alluring?
Is ugliness empowered thirst enduring?
And does the **** thrive in it's leeching ways?
Spreading, choking, seeping, seeking prey
first of (hopefully) several collaborative poems with the infamous Sam August
686 · May 2015
Alzheimer's Bells
Atypnoc May 2015
I like the little one.

They are ready so if someone
Comes down here, and says
they, I, well,
would like to see what youve got
I may be interested in them,
in buying some
I'd say, well, sure
so they can look, and see if there is anything they want to purchase.

And they may decide it's nothing they want,
maybe they don't have anything with them
I won't take that
and that's fine by me.
I like the little one.

We made sure t have them all be different
i said, what'S the point if they're the same
I have three metal ones
Can you, well, make sure they are
so nobody will knock them over
so someone can look at all of them and
they won't break.

I got those bells because I enjoy them.
I used to place them around the house so
people could enjoy them
they are in that so people come down here, They can see.

they meant something to me, but nobody else.
and that's fine.
well, if it means something to you, that matters
Yeah.
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