Breathless, I sat silent as each word formed on his lips
and from his tongue, took flight; floating in the air
to find their way straight to my heart, and burn like acid drips
leaving holes I know that nothing can repair.

The moment breaks as I am asked, where on this I stand
I burst and flood; they watch as drowning, I died
for if to save our sinking ship, I can't retreat to land
then I'll wait here until I'm told to come inside.

But I'd misjudged the shouldered weight, and buckled at me knees
I turn to see no one run in my defense
Unsure the cure will come in time to free us our disease
I walk away from suffering your convenience.

I'll watch the weight descend, and youre
Complicated I can't comprehend anymore
Why  I waited so long, thinking  who would  pretend
That they're  so strong they defend their sinking before
Their feet ever kiss the floor
Their feet ever kiss the floor

Do you think I've got wisdom?

I have been thinking, and talking to God, and I realized something. I am one of God's children, I am one of God's children!
Are you one of God's children?

They are so angry, so angry all of the time, so angry at the world. At everybody else. Something that they don't realize, that I realize, is that they are angry at themselves. They are angry because they are confused, and their minds don't work like they used to. They are angry because they are afraid, because they can't take care of things like they used to.

I see that.

Sometimes I get angry because this is called assisted living, but I can't get any assistance around here. I've got nothing. I can't get no assistance.

I know this, this is Perry Como.
Merry Christmas.

-  Bob

There may be still something
Buried I forgot to mention
Hurried less of traction, worried
Mess of apprehension
Lost with flurry of attraction
Ever-tumbled trapped suspension
Meager fraction of retention
Costing furious reaction
Cold inaction, condescension
My distraction, not intention

You became my idol
and I became idle.
I don't blame you,
you've always been the same.
It was my mistake
to shake the heart awake
was just
to make it break apart.

To gaze from nowhere to the sky
at night, as it is starry,
are all the ways I bare as why
for bright, I am so sorry.

Emptied; by past astounded
Dreamt disasters unfounded.

But you. To bear.
Bury myself in you.

Instead keeping my ground
To bed sleeping is bound
Unspoken tones across
                a planet, how profound
Awoken stones no moss
                we plan it, rolling now around

In eachother we drown
within deep resounding
  Finding you surround me
   Serenity has found me.
   And i let love confound me.

And you. To bear.
I bury me in you.

Somewhere deep inside, in places that remain unseen
I feel I'm rotting away slowly, in the places I can't clean
and I don't know why I can't translate what I feel and what I mean
into words that you could understand.
Each time I try, I betray my right hand,
and have to realize that not even I understand.

Why I can't come forward, it's as if I'm not allowed...
but no such thing is true, and I don't know what keeps me from saying out loud,
and I just wonder if it is only me,
and if this means this is the person I will always be.
I still don't know if I believe there is a thing like destiny.

Somehow I feel *****, deep inside, I cannot change...
even though I wish I could, I cannot reach that deep, it's strange
and if there were a place that I could go in for a soul exchange...
I know I would; but since I can't, I guess at best I'll rearrange

Each time I try, I betray my right hand
and realize not even I understand

When the earth in which your roots entangle,
wrapped around your neck to strangle;
what you get for what you're worth-
the only right came at your birth.
Deplete the soil, tried every angle.
Where you grew, your growth has mangled.
And you knew, but still repeat
choking your own cries of defeat.

We are not born equal,
                               but alive.
The brave,
    and then the meek,
imagined strong
   actually weak
They who choose
    to seek will surely thrive.
but to say, no
        i must refuse,
        means to survive.

Heard quivering along the grape vine
grew bitter
Words shivering to escape my spine
*You quitter

Why, given these winnings, are you compelled to defend…
Where I live in the beginning that lies at the end?
To die driven and spinning, far too fast not to pretend…
Decisive will the sinning burn a lonely man to blend?
When I live in the beginning that lies at the end.

Gabriel descended
              and he called out to me
So I got out of my bed
              and swam to him across the sea

We met within the forest
              under cover of the shade
I asked why he had beckoned
              he said, Because you obeyed

As we walked, he asked
              what forever haunts my soul:
If you had a preference,
              would you cause or close the hole?

The first to arrive at the other side
              and leave the ones you love behind,
Or live to lose them, one by one,
              the last one to be left alive?

I could not respond, and so I walked
              away and left him there.
I came when called, and my reward:
              a cross I’m too weak to bear.

Returning home as dawn arrived
              met by the sleepy faces
My beloved ones, unbeknownst
              to such lonely and dark places.

I’ve run away, and on the lam
              a nomad known by none;
Those I have left I pray forget
              the madness that Gabriel spun.

Night brings chill, and he returns
              and I, weary, can’t hide
Kneeling beside, he says to me
              You can’t outrun the tide

I’d hoped to circumvent the loss
              in death that he’d revealed;
For if alone, I could not lose
              or be lost when fate wield

The ones I’d loved were left without
              me,  I too lost them all
For fear of death had drowned my hope
              the day the angel called

Everything is still the same, except just rearranged
except for dad, he's changed.

I fell down and nearly drowned
in whiskey and *******
I thought I could replace the pain
of not seeing your face again
but every ******* trace you left behind
was sacred space, inside confined
the welling tragedy, silence of the disgraced.
There isn't any telling in defense of the insane,
the mute intense.

and dad has changed.

The youngest nearly starved herself, by Grace she won't accept
but self-punishment and furtherance into sickness of debt;
if i were brighter, were i slighter,
had i done better, he'd have stayed
she blames herself, then just a child,
for causing all the grief you made.

and dad is changed.

a nephew or a niece conceived within loss of control
and then was lost and killed another piece of my exhausted soul
and I was married, with a step-son, after turning things around
but now that's buried ancient history. not what I thought I'd found.
He told me the same things you used to tell me,
they just like you because they don't know you.
your facade is too corrupt to show through.
but I am near now, I know you're a fraud.
You're the antithesis of good and God.

You never met my dog,

and dad has changed.

Today I woke up and looked in the mirror
"Oh great. It's you again."
I spoke soft  and took
what I broke off and shook
It is clearer.
Staring straight back today fate has no cloak of black smoke
Nearer. Nearer.
There, unprovoked  I attack too late
Stuck in a quiver
Where i choke on the joke gone off line i am hooked
Ruminate on
Doom we wait on
Ward of the  room
Bored, you ignored her bloom
As you scored what consume
Deprivation
Despised spiteful every insightful revelation
Perceiving as her leaving you confirmation

Honeycomb are to the bees,
as madness is to mysteries;
and are polite priorities
nectar of insecurities?

The recounted sheep are bleating/(bleeding),
cry of wolf to deaf misleading;
as i bray again repeating,
every note so self-defeating.

Thrown about the limbs of trees,
chaos with-in-discrepancies;
that which we melt just to freeze
wring tangles such as these.

My journey is while they sleep;
a shepherdess lost counted sheep;
the edge, again, too fall or leap
for flight first failure grade so steep.

My white whale wild in the seas,
this ship no sail, nor north agrees;
e-spurning taste of tease:
I am Ahab's intricacies.

To illusion am I ******,
eternally roaming the land;
through burning thirst for empathy
I''m plagued with insecurity.

In an old biblical story,
mortal glimpsed our father's glory;
from that instant's blinding light,
was driven mad- took his own sight

A gentle wood but harsh fire.

Hard to believe but I cannot deny
what you give, you'll receive
all your friends are a lie.

Been dimming.

Swimming in the brimming I don't mean.

When ways of convenience and routine fall prey to entropy
communicative moralities convey what will convene
to birth an expectation.
from misinformed and ill-preperation
after crossing over seeking pastures green,
to find im swimming somewhere sneaking in between.

****
Please
I *******
Implore you
If you're happy hold your head up high
****
Please
I *******
Adore you
With these words that i have told you
Now i said i do ignore you and I'm cold
Because ****
Please
I implore you
If you're happy hold your head up high

I sit with my father, who is hanging on to frustration at a ******* on the pass.
my mother is across from me, baiting conversation.
The art museum today has bare walls, and their halls only display what my father calls, the place your mind is left where at yourself is all you find to stare, bet that *******-whole reeks to bare

*******.



I wish I could get a space, have it set up with a bed, tons of blankets, tons of lights, tons of curtains, and random pieces of wood. And one side of the wood is painted in a grey-purple, and I have indigo chalk. And it's a living exhibition of narcolepsy. And i just rearrange constantly, and write poems on the undersides of the wood, which I use to fashion ever-changing furniture.

It's like I've died
And I'm trapped in a museum

Mister lonely

today is a parallel to evolutionary swoon
And we can blame biology for acting a buffoon
so if you're not a fan of Jesus, this is maybe your kind of tune
oh it's the day of egg hunting, we wild spermatazoon

Yes, it's Easter and on Western shores the stars tell a fortune
of the irony that of all days it is this for red moon
Is it still considered trolling if the tides 'neath our pontoon
Reflect from sunrise until dusk turn me into a goon

Oh it's the day of egg hunting, we wild spermatazoon
So we here relay with grunting, like air let out a balloon
To find the womb, to find the egg, to nestle us cocoon
Oh it's the day of egg hunting, we wild spermatazoon

watching the sunrise
surprise me in the evening
i can't evening; realize
potentially what personifies

you or your taste
upbeat and outpaced
we meet and i faced
just 5 feet
google street-
view i felt at home
then i knew i yearn to roam
outside of pixels confined
his wide grin as if was designed
to remind me
love will find me
*
can't can't can't
important out
conformist rant
erased wry pant
replaced i grant
we chased, we chant
prefaced, we shan't
displace on slant
onslought instant
distraught recant
enchant wrought on
our rotten re-plant of
an antic talking frantic
infrared entranced romantic
instead transcended semantic
exalted assaulted tantric

talk sick
balk pick
stalk trick
**** quick
lock click
shock strik
flock thick
block brick
rock stick
walk kick
stall tick

Because I live depressed
I live inept
& thrive by comparison
In the trenches.

What's left isn't right,
their noise deafening white -
where boys raising the fight
lack appraising their height.

So amazing,
they're dazed
all the days
spent in hazing;
scare rays
of sun away.

Left to pay everything
to what still stays,
in spite of lost brothers,
despite delayed dismay,
who stay
alright
all night
remain too distant to play.

In spite of their plight, they make light of the day.
After night cools the fight, turning white down to gray.
Hungry laughter sounding dafter
I left to write, are you okay?

Alright! The fools follow their rules,
to use as tools to nail what they
mean to say, are mean to say
a bed is where you lay down what you made.
You said you swear you're okay in the shade.

How and who decides
what
of these concepts to set
aside and which
        if any
Can be kept as set B-side
are manic.

We are kept here set here
beside our mania.
Inept except
We are exceptional at
our accepting our own
Any hour expecting
A guest is alone
A guess is unknown
As the guest refuses to show face or take name
Every one is the same,
And no one can be traced
So they claim that the taste
Left behind if the waste
In the wake of
Of the infamous singlular
Luciferous shadow...
Like as of the malicious
Behavior in which the
New users partake
Which is enough to shake
Many a good man foregone the
Veil of anonymity
Revealing the reason at the base
Of why so many of us fail
This game, we're frail
It's cold
To survive we lie,
And sail
And hold
Onto this thin veneer hoping
The world wI'll buy how we try to
appear
...I propose we are all driven by an inability to cope with our fear.

How and who decides
what
of these concepts to set
aside and which
        if any
Can be kept as set B-side
are manic.

Through Z we see that
everything is semantic.

I have found myself alone, and it is of my own hand,
I am left with myself as the only person I can stand.
I am left to myself, letting down
every
****
demand.
I'm the only one who'll put up falling out from what we planned.

I need a moment to grieve
the moment you gave me to leave
I don't know anymore what I believe
I won't show you the door
Leading to where I'm sore
Cause I know from before
where I'm bleeding, you pour
salt upon the vulnerable

TIME

I'm running out
Of confidence
Of common sense
My confidants are on the fence
Confederate incompetence
Forgetting what it represents
Refraction second somnolence
Relinquish rests recognizance

Iconic pass Aphrodite
Icon platon-ic and mighty
Contend   in    gin   and   tonic
Vigor fighting
   compulsion flighty
Rigor biting
   revulsionninglory sighting
And the lighting
Lends lonely writing
Recommends  a tone reciting
I'm alright
I'm all right
We all write
I'm all right

Racing rounded repression
I have a confession
Profound stead impression
Confounded live session
Astounding is sounding
Like bound bring recession
Inbound will resound
In grins drowned sting depression
Sing out, it's my confession!
My ground is regression!

Remotely whet my appetite
Might as well try it
What incited this riot!
Expansion instead will I write
From four letters beyond our two words
Until some future thoughts take flight
Crossing greater expanse than do birds
From this dizzying height
Somehow gains me insight
Ignites
Pure white
Technicolored invite burning
Brilliant despite
Me
No matter how bright

To define the way you make me feel tonight
To hell with the line, say take me, **** polite

The mockingbird of your dreams
vanished as it grew quiet.
So carry forth, to rocking back-
Words urging flock to riot

These, my friends, are the beautiful days -
where the dawns consume our mournings,
and the haze which engulfs everything that blooms
                     beyond this narrow scope of presence,
we will remember never fazed us, facing uncertainty that looms
                      among our marrow; hopeful tense,
and we will know, sometime, right
               now we can't yet grasp for want of knowing
where these paths go, to climb, which height
               or which ocean this is we're rowing

We will look back to these moments of obscurity
Filled by pigment as black, today's just gray until maturity,
Until fate took imperfect cracks to fill what's unsure into purity
We will look back and will be proud of who we were in our obscurity.

I have a friend who means everything to me
Each day I pretend to be the person that I wish that I could be
Every hour I spend further descending. I know I'll never get free.
Because i depend on you depending on the parts I let you see.

I have a friend who means everything to me.
Who fills the spaces that are empty.
Feeds into that for which I'm hungry.

I am lonely.

So is he.

I love you dearly.

You don't know me.

Every ambition I fought through the night
At the time, in my head, was a valiant fight
As onward we waded, led I in the recite:
Somehow,  some way,  after this pain is delight.  

But as evening bore down just short hours ago
Dawned clarity I feel perhaps the last to now know
This isn’t some garden where jack-**** will grow
Instead line for slaughter, only pain to bestow

I became selfish dizzied by desperate plays
To justify to myself, to you, all the days
Where somehow deluded enticed all the strays
And for granted I took each of your earnest ways

I don’t know what I became
But tonight I don’t see things the same
I’ll remove the monster I can’t name
By destroying that which I can’t tame.

I couldn't keep myself when I awoke from throttling the route
As I choke myself on all the words that sound like some cop out

I am not a genius, nor am I mad
I am just very, very sad.

i misused
and i will try
to heal what bruised
from standing by
my clumsy head
i dont know why
i let you down
i cannot fly

i miss you til the day i die

I'm okay
are you?

I shut down for, I don't know how long
it was either that or, I don't know, I don't know.

I don't know.

I got off the quick wit
clumsy, and ate ****
and too busy stuffing my big fat face
to give any **** for the place around me
I just slept there
a lot
i shut off
and shut down
and haven't been anywhere

I can't even remember everywhere I had been a regular
I don't know, i don't know, i don't care.
But i think of you, but then
I go back to sleep.

Sometime I'll get back in enough of
a swing of things to let you know
i'm alive
but right now i have to remember
what being alive is.

I dont know.

When my legs
fail the body I am tired of
Having a mind
                 Again silk wisps of a still scene of dream
                         I cannot yet bat the trajectory before I pause, where and when was that?

Where and when am I



Let me die

Often I think about the feral child
I can't help but wonder if he knows he's wild?

I can't help but think of the feral child
I wonder if he knows he's wild?

I open my eyes before I wake up,
     and I turn
           to settle down my feet upon the soil.
But the ground cannot be found.
To my surprise find I break up,
     and burn
           the heat from the metal on my crown;
           searing the loyal.
Recoil without a sound.
I keep it on, though kingdom gone,
The price to be royal is profound.

I have lost touch with the land.
I have lost touch with the land.
I have lost much, and through my hand
desperately I clutch
my home, realizing I demand too much.
This isn't what I planned.
I have lost touch with the land.
I may or may not understand
why within grasp that which must stay,
crumbled at last gasp and turned to sand

I have lost touch with the land
I have lost touch with the land
I have lost touch with the land
Much I do, much I don't
this much I understand.

I can feel that they are red,
visual confirmation is hardly motivation
to close sore eyes to dread.

fully bearing nightmares
I dare not stare
straight back.

Years that before
Mercy neared close enough
That the blur of the scene
Disappeared in the rough
So unsure what I mean
Or where would i reconvene...
And with whom?
When we are were we are
where they are there just to consume...
Everything they could.
Selling off everything that's good.

From that blinding white clear disaster
I thought I must fight or I'll rot even faster
I fought so I might keep from finding
I'm not really right and what's left's just reminding me how  
High I shot and now why I forgot to keep track what I bought that I caught up a lesson I set out too taught

leaders lead b/c followers will follow;
but if the followers
starve by the greed
of the 'lead,'
which as a title will swallow
the purpose that it was meant to feed.

It's all we have got!
No, don't drink what you bleed!
But I'm hollow and i rot!
and wont think to go be where i need.

I hide behind the screen and deflect my doubt with laugher.
so you close the lid, your lids, to thoughts like, maybe there's something to look forward to if you keep looking ahead.
maybe if I don't surrender to mundane or settle for expectations I will have a reason to keep looking ahead.

maybe the fate that has been nagging at your feet since you first stood,  tugging and pleading you listen,  
      no, you don't understand,
       This is bad.
           this will end badly.

I know, but I'll know when it's starting to get bad, and I'll stop.

There's no harm in enjoying until it becomes a problem, right?

But the problem doesn't manifest elaborate overnight. keep waiting and "enjoying" the missteps...."while you can" before it is a problem.

An then you don't know how to escape.
because you unbranded the ladder while killing time, t distract yourself from having to accept you're wrong.

You're in over your head.

Nobody can save you,
you cannot save it.

Following fall I can hardly recall
Crawling back out the black when I fell off the ball
And I find myself backed up against the same wall
I can't fess up to kissing, bleeding I still stall
In the mess scared and ******* just feeding -
Feeble guesses dare gone missing, misleading
Beating lessens the heart i need is fleeting
browned each page before starting to study
Down the echoing hall like a ribcage is ******
Knees that need ground gashed by scattered glass
Found a gnashing still thrashing unbearable sound
Firmly lashing your crashing mind terrible bound
Shattered, pass
Classless unflattered
what's the matter
what's it matter
what's the matter
what's it matter

Eyes wide
The end collide
Can't hide
And then I died

evaluate the symphony
be critical; direct
judge yourself from your actions
may justice be to reflect

the sentence ends the day you die
until then, run on, mourn
incoherence that depends on why you say why  
you left, right before you felt reborn.

in a way all is done
no body always
lost on the run.
in a way all is done
there is everything

I wake up
to love you

How far out of the loop
constitutes
Having fallen out of the group?...
And they hope you don't follow
Crawling shout I CAN'T COPE
With the laces in bows tying you to the roots
Tighter knots as kick pitiful aimlessness dilutes
We all know you come from your frantic disputes
Nobody believes when heat rises, it droops
But I do, and I do, and I do, and the loop

You may not belong there.
The most precious are rare
from the rest who don't share
that for which this room care.

And so here is somewhere
we are harder to scare
may you find strength to stare
back the eyes that compare
those blinded by our glare
from burdens we may bear.

And may love help prepare
us for lovely repair.

I met you in the first moments of the last year of my life.
I've come beyond my worst pretense of fear inherent strife.


I've been waiting for fifteen, for the past nine years
Passed berating what I'd seen til at last conscience clears.