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711 · Aug 2018
Bittersweet Leftovers #2
aar505n Aug 2018
Let me have this one moment before you go.
Let me hold on to it before it will slip through my fingers.
All I have are these moments we shared.

They stay fresh on my mind,
The way our flesh entwined.
For once, lost in idleness.
Soon, the moment will lose its sharpness.
As time fades the memory made.

Until all that remains is a fleeting feeling.
A bittersweet leftover of a lover's emotions
shared with another.
We are but a bundle of experiences
709 · Aug 2014
The Ephemeral Illusion
aar505n Aug 2014
Don't rely on tunnel vision,
the ephemeral illusion.
Take of the blinkers
and see with peripheral vision.

There is more to the definitive space we occupy,
the small world we simply exist in.
I insist we be hurled from this world,
But we resist.

Unprepared to be thrown
into the cyclone.
Scared of the unknown.
Yet,
we yearn for it
for the obscure and foreign.
Yearning for more than this.
Questioning why be secure with what we know?

We think we know everything now,
Everything within the space
of this limited place.
Yet,
we reckon there has to be more than this,
waiting beyond the door.
Wanting to be explored
and not ignored.

You'll never know unless you try
to pry into the unknown.
You could find your identify
by looking at life in it's entirety.

If you focus straight, you might miss something.
Our planet is round, not flat.
So take the blinkers off
and blink in everything at once.
“I thought we knew everything there was to know, It feels like we may be less of what we were in a place we don’t wholly know.”

comments and criticism welcomed
706 · Sep 2016
Farewell Transmission
aar505n Sep 2016
It's a slow dimming within
It's a slow dulling of the senses
I must pay the consequences
Of my recklessness

I have lost my shine
Lost control of my spotted mind
Couldn't preform the role required
In this fake and tainted world - ain't that sad?

I will be good when I'm gone
And that's the sad truth about youth
All your trying gets you crying
When every step cuts and bleeds your feet
- Why would you walk?

My best intentions are not considered by The Fates - Tragedy at its purest

I wish Mankind could be kinder
I wish Solitude liked me
I wish I wasn't me
Dehumanizing the self
697 · Oct 2015
Late
aar505n Oct 2015
I am always late.
I wish I wasn't but I am.

My friends, they wait for me -
This time.
But they won't always be there.

The day they stop waiting -
Is the day I stop being late.
I am just the worse
695 · Aug 2015
7 Year Itch
aar505n Aug 2015
Cracks appear.
Slow hacks
Tears apart
Thin veneer,
Until heart
Broken down
Into pieces
Of peace.
Dusty crumbs
Leaving you
Numbly rusting.
Never trusting
The beating
Within chest
Ever again.
695 · Sep 2016
Not Quite Aligned
aar505n Sep 2016
I miss my dancing days
Do you remember Him?
How He moved like it was the only way one should move
Eternal, He -

I could live forever in His fountain of youth
If the truth wasn't so clear
I could drown in His water instead

~

In the forest fall
I hide from all
So I can hear Him
The voice in the darkness -
The singing god
Whispering just enough
To unhinge me

I'd imagine the stars still shine
Darkly over you
The stars here are different
They look the same
But they're askew
Not quite aligned
like me and you

Not quite bright
Not quite right
On this quiet night
663 · Aug 2014
Dreaming
aar505n Aug 2014
I didn't like that you were in my dream
I didn't care for the deeper meaning
Just for the proper morning
Stop this spinning world
from turning now
For what's it worth,
Earth is not a bumper car
Bumping into cheaper stars

But in dreamland
it's not that simple,
There's no plan
and the ample of people
can be quite bland
sitting in the temple
listening to the Papal's teaching
of the gospel
and like a bell ringing
I saw the ripple
of misunderstanding
spread through the crowd
All proud of their ways
All vowed never to sway

A lot of ****** up things happen in dreams.
Like that bus crash with the injured kids
eyelids half opened in pain
looking for help
but we kept on walking
despite all our preaching

I didn't like that you were there
to share that moment
I feared your judgement
too tired for an argument
I hated that a fragment of you
was buried in me
that laid dormant until now

My dream is my house
method within the madness
organised mess
although you gleam like gold
you're nothing but a mouse
hiding in my place
not scared to show your face
from time to time
But my house doesn't have a phone
to call pest control
so alone I patrol with a pistol
and hope I get lucky

When I wake up
I feel the ache of reality
come crashing down
a carefree burning
and suddenly
I'm mourning for last night

Just for a split-second
I wish I was dreaming again
because at least there
I know what I feel
Isn't real
Interrupt what you think!
comment/criticism welcomed
661 · Feb 2015
Callous Vacantacy
aar505n Feb 2015
They stop playing the drum
When I rather they not
For then - I tend to go numb

My feelings experience a clot
Blocking any emotions getting through
So they begin to rot -

In their place - apathy begins to brew
Boiling happiness - and fear - away
Hollowed out soul is to ensue

What can be done to delay the decay?
Why nothing at all - don't be dumb
Give in to the void and turn grey

That's what I did - it's pretty glum.
Oh God, what have I become -
Just some expereminting. Trying out Terza rima rhyming scheme.
646 · Feb 2021
Little Daffodil
aar505n Feb 2021
On one of my daily walks
I spotted a little daffodil – perfect and yellow.
I didn’t realize that the season had changed.
Been so busy just trying to survive,
I didn’t notice that it was Spring.

Looking at that little daffodil,
My thoughts went to you - as they do.
And made me feel a little less alone.
Sometimes it is the smallest of things,
That keeps you going, keeps you alive.

As sure as the daffodils are to bloom.
I am sure I will see you again soon.
Until I can safely say hello,
I’ll keep you in my thoughts.
Every time I see some yellow.
Social Distance Makes The Heart Forlorn
632 · Dec 2014
Four Moons
aar505n Dec 2014
Four moons rose tonight.
Each one bad.
A ****** tetrad.

I looked for stars
But Mars look alikes
blocked my search.

And as I watch on,
it dawned on me.
This life, is null and void.
Soon to be destroy,
just look at the four moons.

A prophecy foretold.
Hypocrisy withold.

Fate and Death entwined.
Mankind's breaths abates.

Slowly but surely.
Prematurely.

Then nothing.

But I remember,
ex nihilo nihil fit

Not all prophecy,
are destined to come true.
So I questioned everything.
Knowing that nothing can come from nothing.
629 · Apr 2015
You Tear Me Up Inside
aar505n Apr 2015
Sometimes you gotta know-
what's it like to be alone.
Somehow you gotta show-
that this is not you throne.
Someone wants to know-
if what there doing's right.
Somethings will try to **** you-
but will you try to fight 'em.

I feel like I'm the enemy
When you see me.
Since we first met
It's like I'm in your debt
And I don't think you know it
Or at least, you don't show it

Oh I don't know why-
you tear me up, inside.
But I can bare it, for now.
I want to tell you-
but I wouldn't dare it.
I'll wait until it's time-
we're so near it.
And when the moment comes-
then we'll hear it.

Will you grow a tree with me?
We can set this seed free.
You don't need to feed it much
Just a little mulch.
Can you wait until it grows?
Yes, I know it'll be slow.
But we've got all the time, in the world.
So why rush?

Oh I don't know why-
you tear me up, inside.
But I can bare it, for now.
I want to tell you-
but I wouldn't dare it.
I'll wait until it's time-
we're so near it.
And when the moment comes-
will you hear it?
Or will you disappear.

Blood falls
When you call
Blood falls
Drops so small
Blood falls
When you call
Blood falls

Floods it all.
In my head this is an upbeat song despite what the lyrics might suggest. Still songs are but poems set to music and therefore I decided I might as well put it up.
aar505n Dec 2014
My jaw came unhinged
and spoke **** that made them cringe.
Words like flaming oranges, that singed my mouth
as they fell out at all the wrong time.

O, bring me a comforting wine to soothe the pain.
A sip of blood, I loathe the taste
but drink it to the bitter end.

The unchanging cycle of comfort.
Who dares abort this flawed system of coping?
Copying eveyone else at the party and continue to suffer.

A slient prayer for change goes unheard.
I wouldn't hold my breath,
for Change and Hope have met their deaths.

I have stop dreaming of that beau ideal.
Orange peels remind me of my Achilles' heel.
Sealing my fate.
For once you let go of the steering wheel,
it isn't long till the crash.
622 · May 2017
Good Old Rain
aar505n May 2017
Good old rain
Is upon us again
Cold pain
is upon us again

We could melt away
Back to the black
If just for a day or more
Ignore what was felt

However
Good old rain has remain
And we should too

Darling, let yourself cry
Raining now but we have
All of our life to be dry
621 · Jul 2015
Dormancy
aar505n Jul 2015
When the words became too real
It was given a beat
And we dance to it
Till meaning was lost
A smokescreen to hide
What was meant for others
But the words are still there
Still wield their power
Not extinct
Just dormant
595 · Dec 2014
Luxuria
aar505n Dec 2014
Must we lust?
Can we stop
this deadly sin within
from showing on our skin?

What are we even lusting after?
Daughters and sons
and the untouchables.

They say lust
is the root of suffering,
devalues love, devalues you
to nothing more than
merely a lust of the blood
and a permission of the will.

They are right, of course.
But O to be lost in delight, even for just one night.

Then - when we've quenched this lust
- then what?
Move on the next thing that takes our fancy?
or move on with our lives?
what's the point?
We're already guaranteed our own special circle.

Must we lust?
these things we lust
do rust and turn to dust
only to blow away
at just the smallest of gust.
Causing more suffering.

Yet, we lust on.
We trust in lust.
We must lust,
even if it kills us.
comments welcomed!
aar505n Oct 2014
Up early in the morning
Last night's sleep had no mourning
Mutely gathering his thoughts
Mind astutely wrought

A spot of fishing by the river
Shall calm this mental shiver
Quick was he to the bait
For he saw no reason to wait
But slow was he in leaving
Leaving breadcrumbs for perceiving
Something they'll be able to clutch
The toast was a nice touch

So he went high on his rock
Where nothing stops but the clock
The sunlight strippled the trees
The water rippled at ease
Creating a tranquil ambiance
And he was happy, despite the atmosphere of transcience

And while he enjoyed his solitude
It did coaxed the rise of lassitude
That had an unfortunate longevity
Highlighting elation's brevity

So he jumped - fast - past the rock without violence
Plunging into the cold water in silence
The river washing his body and morality away.
Bring an ephemeral end to this mortality play.
But leaving on that rock, his toast
like footprints of a ghost

Some people know when it's time to breathe their final breath
Thoughts loose and you loathe losing
So shew no end, but Death -
And die the shortest choosing
Comments welcomed as always !
593 · Jan 2015
Unprovide My Mind
aar505n Jan 2015
Unprovide my mind, please.
Lest I care about matters of the flesh.
Listen to my expostulation,
as I am prostrate bowed.
I do not want exoneration,
for lust stains will remain
but I can no longer stand
the tenacity of it.
For it no longer can command
in guaranteeing its veracity.
So I long for someone to fetch
this excellent wretch from me.
The inner dome of Heaven has fallen
and with it, this wicked thing's ethereal appearence.
Revealing the venereal act planned from the begining.
I run far and hide from Daystar.
No longer enamored with its lustful glamour.
I wish for its allure to be nullified
and so it may unprovide my mind.
580 · Aug 2014
Easier Said Than Done
aar505n Aug 2014
I told you not to worry,
emotions can be blurry.
But telling you to be positive,
isn't effective.
If I want to be supportive,
I need to see from your perspective
But that is easier said than done.

Maybe we could meditate,
concentrate and exfoliate our minds.
Isolate the bad,
separate it from the good.
Don't let it suffocate us,
but learn to tolerate it.
Let it educate us,
so we my learn to appreciate again.
But that is easier said than done.
interpret what you will!
comments/criticism welcomed
576 · May 2015
Far From The Sound Of Feet
aar505n May 2015
Wander through the city
Stray of the streets
Stay down the lanes
Going to where ever is boppin'
Follow the music that's poppin'
Don't be defined by the main street
Find divine alley ways
Far from the sound of feet
Play pool with no white ball all night
Or board games by candlelight
Walks along the harbour
With friends for armour
Do what you want, I suppose
But don't be afraid to oppose the common
Go where you want and
Find your own lane to haunt
564 · May 2018
Remembering
aar505n May 2018
The first kiss was nice.
I was suddenly reminded of all the fun we had.
I felt my heart swell with old memories
Of dancing in your room at night
Or laying in the afternoon sun.
The time I melted into you
And you said you loved me.

That first kiss was nice.

Then you kissed me again.
I recalled how it ended.
The hurt and pain of the separation.
The feeling of not being want,
Of not being good enough.
My heart shriveled up as it remembered the heartache.

The second kiss was not nice.
Do I focus on the good or the bad?
560 · Nov 2017
a memory of a storm
aar505n Nov 2017
this is my first storm without you
i'm fully awake, alone
thinking about you
for the first time in months

wondering if it's a rainy night over you too
wondering if you are still where i left you
half dreaming

that first stormy night still fresh in my memory
i remember us laying together as
the wind howled and the rain hammered

i gave myself to you completely
tangled together to stay warm
dissolver of limbs
for on that night, my soul took flight
a climb into the sublime
as the world around us melted away.
until it was just the two us.

the wind bellowed, and the rain poured
neither did phase us one bit
as we rested half awake, half dreaming

i no longer dream like you do
only remember what i can't forget
Maybe this will be my last storm without him
559 · Feb 2015
Your Truth
aar505n Feb 2015
I'm still here, like a cancer
Won't go, till you give me an answer
While you still have your youth
Don't tell me the truth, tell me your truth.

That's all I need
All I did decreed
Was to know
Not to row.

The truth? You are weary of this bad tooth
Afraid to look uncouth
Or even for it to be said
Fearing it would evoke the dead

But I'm still here.
I still care
And we'll never forget you
This is our truth, please know it to be true

So, what is your truth?
just a quick ditty before the night is out
552 · Apr 2015
Brian
aar505n Apr 2015
Brian, you're not dying, yet.
Sometimes, you think you are
Everybody's rock, soon to be forgot
Smile anyway, for they can't see scars
When too much time is spent looking at stars

Brian, why are you lying?
You won't get pretty far that way.
Brian, I can see you're trying.
I can see you're hiding.
But what are you hiding from, what are you trying to do?
But you won't tell me. Had to be the quiet child.

Don't listen to them Brian, you haven't committed a sin
don't be let them pin you down.
I know you have your doubts,
But Brian you can take the quick way out.
I'll hold the door
Maybe you just need to get some sun
Always so cold when you have to hide.

Brian, I know your hurting
Averting any confrontations
but Brian, you could run with lions
Don't give up on your Zion.

We may not be friends
But Brian, I hope the best for you.
I'll hold the door open
So you don't have too.
546 · May 2015
On the Validity of Death
aar505n May 2015
My best laid plans
Are often ephemeral
I attend many a funeral
On raining days with cloudless sky
Soundless mourners try
To hold it together.
Ignore the water gather
On the coffee coloured coffin.
Drops drip down drumming
A hollow, empty sound.
That makes me wonder
What really is inside the coffin.
542 · Jul 2014
The Descent
aar505n Jul 2014
The descent beckons,
as I stood on the edge
making a pledge to the eternal night
by singing of chaos.
Igniting a desire to fall,
so I listened to the call.
Didn't try to prevent it.
I gave my consent to the torment
and ventured down the dark descent,
plummeting into the abyss,
searching for bliss.
Knowing the dangers but not caring.
And I remembered them saying,
that the descent into Hell is easy.
And they were right.
For there was no fight,
only a downwards flight.
And as I fell,
I was glad that the descent did beckoned.
Interrupt as you will. Comments/criticism welcomed.
539 · May 2015
Hello Sleep My Old Friend
aar505n May 2015
All my walking and talking leads
Me to the shore but what for?
Dawning on me is the morning light
Streaks of gold breaking over the horizon
Instead of being awed, I am only tired
Eyelids heavy, pulled down by dark bags
Life, slowly seeping out.
Spilling into the sea
Dying it red.

I've been awake for too long
I waited too long for nothing to arrive
And now these bags weigh me down
Little dark anchors
Bringing me down into
The murky waters of fatigue
Even in the darkness
I can still see those dark eyes of Mel
Glimmer, like stars shining darkly over me.

Out of reach of Sleep's long hands
Only got scratches and yawns
But tides change and so does time
And time has caught me by the neck
Drowned me like a terrible fish
Maybe now I can close my eyes
And avoid the world and its thought
I've wasted too much time on thinking
Useless emotions.
Too much time crying
But trying all the same

So Sleep,
I greet you like a welcoming friend and
I hope you'll stay around for a bit.
I will remain unlit till you do leave so
I close my eyes.
Fall beneath the waves.
The lights go out.
The moment has come, the end.
There is no finality, only dissolution.
Tiredness fuels empty thoughts
529 · Dec 2017
Homos Duplex
aar505n Dec 2017
Sacred Soul stuck in a profane Body
Insane Id inflicts anguish on scared Ego
Man finds trouble with doubled nature
Both Angel and Beast want what's best
But both can not be satisfied at once
This division against ourselves
Can only offer suffering in our lives
So man does the civilized thing
Obliged to be sad inside and depressed
And represses those impolite appetites
That contaminates consciousness
"How can we belong entirely to ourselves, and entirely to others at one and the same time?"
529 · Dec 2015
Buzz
aar505n Dec 2015
A wire is all that separates me from them.
It's too thin to see but I can hear the low buzz when I get close.
I don't know if it's electric -
But why take the chance?
I'm not manic enough for this death dance.
Yet, to them - my actions appear egocentric
Or that I want to disappear.

This is not the case.

I wish to join them.
But that buzzing prevents me.
There is no way about it.
And I doubt I could change this dread.
Pulling my teeth out of my head.
So I tell myself I like solitude -
Even if solitude doesn't like me
Trying to convey how I feel sometimes - classic poet move.
522 · Jan 2015
The Return
aar505n Jan 2015
I don't need to turn around to know you're there, Mel.
I can hear your darkness creeping.
No longer sleeping.
Wide awake and wanting to play.
Nothing to do to delay it.
I need to realise that you can't be denied.
Especially, when you look to me,
with those dark, dark eyes.
Mel with her dark eyes of hers
517 · Apr 2018
Known
aar505n Apr 2018
Stop the car now.
Sing to me.
While no one is watching.

I want to hear you.
Here before we go further.
A song of the hills.
And of the now.

I want to know you.
I want to be known by you.
That is all anyone wants
514 · Nov 2014
In The Doldrums
aar505n Nov 2014
Midnight and I'm morose
And silent when
those poignant thoughts arose
from pungent wine
while I dine in a plaintive manner
alone.

Captivated by the melancholy
blood comforting
my forlorn jealousy
Captured by a sorrowful melody
languishing somber times past
regretting for not forgetting  

This pensive mood is no good
devours my woeful soul like food
leaving a doleful restlessness

Oh but what can cure heavy heartednesss?
or cure a sick at heart?

Nothing
(hence the dysphoria)

Pure of broken heart
so dishearten,
I grieve alone

And start to atone,
for heart of flesh
now turned to stone
is no longer fresh.
Just a bit of self pity.
Feel free to comment
504 · Aug 2015
Must Be Tonight
aar505n Aug 2015
Wake up from eternal sleep. Wake me up when I need you. Infernal sleep renders you tender. Broken fenders keeps internal clocks from working. Now dusty clogs covered in old dialogue webs from time spent walking in the waking hour when you didn't dream enough. Little dreams, sure, by window sills overlooking shadow hills. But no big dreams, no high hopes, no plans. Until now. Dream is all you do. So silently slumber still you do. I'll have to wait patiently watching you do. Until you tire of dreams, as you did living.
500 · Jun 2014
When the heart stops
aar505n Jun 2014
The waiting room was quiet
beside the faint click of the blinds
against an open window

A single dead fly on the table
on his back
with his legs pointing up

This death did not bother the models in the posters
As they smiled with bright white teeth from the wall
like they knew some great secret
that pale in comparison to the dead fly

I looked away from the poster and to the fly.
I began to wonder how the fly left this mortal coil.
peacefully or violently?

I theorized, cause I was in the mood,
that it was peaceful cause he had no obvious trauma to the body
But what do I know of a fly's anatomy?

Maybe his little heart just gave up
maybe he lost his way and then lost hope too

He tried to stay busy
buzzing away
but it was an act
trying to distract himself from the pain

He couldn't keep it up forever
his heart was too tired
and he deserved a rest
he had been through enough

So he stopped flying one day
and with one last sad beat
his heart just stopped

That what I theorized
My theory on the matter
I'll never know how the fly died
But that's what happens when the heart just stop
and it's not violent
it's peaceful
495 · Aug 2017
feelings
aar505n Aug 2017
feelings of love
weigh you down
has you dealing
with the impossible
it's not just this
frown you see
it goes past the face
deeper into the past
making you wish
you never had
feelings of love
i do not believe in the conditions that produce the situation that demanded a poem like this
488 · May 2015
To Face It.
aar505n May 2015
When the moment arrived
And two possibilities were presented
I took a step back and my look alike
Grasp the reigns and pretended to be me
Through greyscale vision
I saw him deign to stay and walked away
Leaving you behind. Unashamed.
He stood around the corner, watching.
Before leaving for good.

If he had any decency, he would’ve stayed
But he is a victim of empathy deficiency
And I fear he may have even relished
Seeing you so low.
The hellish truth is that maybe something evil
Is embellished in me.
I've got to face it.
I’ve got two faces,
And I don’t know which one is mine anymore.
474 · Jul 2017
Lazy Burials Produce Ghosts
aar505n Jul 2017
It was like I never left.
It made me uncomfortable,
How easy it was, how familiar.

There was meaning to it when you strip it down.
Compassion.
Plus the urge not to be sad for a little while.

It's hard to escape the past,
Ghosts linger in this room.
I hear them as you sleep.
Whispering what I already know.

I think I may have to bury you,
Once and for all.
But maybe not right now

Soon I will bury you into this poem as a grave warning to all.

But for now, we do not have to be ourselves in the shadows.
470 · Dec 2017
the morning after
aar505n Dec 2017
it was all good until in the morning when the last of the illusions was broken

he had let the past coloured his vision
while also putting his hopes of the future on to his present

but now he sees, now he leaves

we didn't fit like before but maybe we never did.

rationality crashes down on me
he does not have that bit of me I seek

so what's the point of prolonged  disappointment?
Never give myself fully, always pretending
searching for that lost part of me in others and alwasy leaving
aar505n May 2018
There comes that moment of sudden awareness
When you raise your head and see the bigger picture
See the links between everything in your life
And make the connection that makes the most sense to you

My connection will be different to yours
Some will see undeniable proof that the Earth is flat.
Others will see a plan of salvation lay out for them.

It does not matter about absolute Truths.
Chasing such is absurd
Because if no one can see it
Nor perceive it
Then does it really exist?
All people see are their own truths instead
Ascribing meaning to the Chaos

That's the 'real connection between us all
The interconnectness of all things lay in the connections we all make
We are all bending reality ever so slightly to fit the narrative we have crafted for ourselves
Telling ourselves stories to make sense of everything - and we all have stories

I will not seek solutions by a judicious study of the discernable reality, looking for The Truth.
I will act and create my own reality
Until eventually, everything connects.
Ascribing meaning to the chaos is all we can do
463 · Mar 2015
Ignorance Is Bliss
aar505n Mar 2015
Intoxicate your feelings.
Leave yourself reeling
With the truth.
Don’t run in fear
Of the sobriety of pure thought.
For it is near.
But it is not something sought,
By you.
But rather something fought.
For how could one bear
Such truths.
Youths know no pain
And you make sure of it.
Drain your brain and hope the truth doesn’t remain.
Maybe it will be misplace and you will not have to face it.
So run, fight and drain.
Do whatever you can to avoid the truth.
And live that little bit longer?
458 · Sep 2015
Slip Away
aar505n Sep 2015
It begins to slip
The power I once yeild
Slips away, slips away
Soon I will lose the crown
And go down with it
With the specious belief
That I held any power in the first place
457 · Aug 2017
Reality
aar505n Aug 2017
and this is my reality

the promises i brake
the choices i don't make

i blur the lines
to keep my mind straight
losing myself in others
when i don't want to be me

right now i am smoking outside
with these strangers disguised as friends
these cigarettes aren't for me
but for them

i have lost myself along the way
i haven't been me for awhile now

and that is my reality
I can't stop performing
454 · May 2015
Tomorrow Is Far
aar505n May 2015
Tomorrow is far
And so are the stars
Sorrow is here, a host
Closer than a ghost

A ghost of my sins
Breathe beneath my skin
Whispers in ears
More than I can bear.

My hands are black black
Those dark thoughts are back
My face is white white
Holding back a nasty bite

If it wasn't for society
Maybe I wouldn't have anxiety
I could be free
Be me

Too easy to blame others
But when doubt smothers
It's survive or die
So I try

I'm no saint
But it's time to wash the paint
Most have forgot
This ghost i am not

Tomorrow is still far
No end to this war.

But I'm wise
'Cause i know the sun will rise

It has to
aar505n Sep 2014
These days,
I find myself searching
for gentle streams
that once flowed in my dreams
but have since dried up.
The reservoir empty of freshness.

Doesn't stop me walking
along the dead riverbeds
and listing to the water.
Can't be much farther
til I find a new source.
I don't want
to force anything
but merely seek the return of life

Maybe Robin will return
to me
and we can continue our chats
by the banks of the river.
I was never a diver
but a giver,
which I suppose
is the same.
Plunging myself into something
and giving it all I got.

Never truly
an altruistic act
as I secretly and selfishly
wanted to be noticed.
Even the acoustic comments
would suffice.
Is that wrong?
Or
Are we all rolling the same dice?
it's nice to receive praise
but if you're raised
to only want that
then maybe that's not healthy
I suppose
we should be wealthy
in the acknowledgment
of the ones that truly care
than to the
faint praise of strangers

That's where the danger lies
picking the lather.
Better to climb the ladder
one step at a time
in company
than great leaps alone.

But I digest.
I've stumbled off the path
with this talk of ladders.
Lost in myself
once again.
That's the cost of being a wanderer
Hard to navigate
through a sea of trees,
all ivy covered.
Who knows what
lively monsters have hovered
where I stood.
How many times have I been
hoodwinked in thinking
I'm alone?
Each blink of an eye
and I'm sure they run by me
lurking away
hidden from sight

They can stay there
for all I care.
Tonight isn't about
looking for a fight
but a river.

Impossible
to think straight without it.
It was my anchor
held me down
and           stopped            me
flowing away in a stream
of consciousness
lost forever
in
meaninglessness

Oh River, why have you dried up?
Why have you died?
I need you now
but
you are not here
to wash my tears away,
to clean me of doubt
or take away my fears.
I miss your fresh
cleansing waters
often felt on flesh.

Water was the elixir
to heal.
And to peal skin,
reveal my real sin,
so I may feel.
But
This elicited elixir
is no more.
A closed door
so we remain poor

Oh River, why have you left me?
Comments / criticism welcomed!
385 · Jul 2015
La Vie En Rose
aar505n Jul 2015
Walking the same way as always
But different all the same
Stopped looking
And started seeing
Perceiving for once
Not an ounce of ordinary complex
Was there to look at
I saw extraordinary simple
And that made all the difference.
Rollercoaster of emotions today ahaha
380 · Mar 2019
Solitude
aar505n Mar 2019
I haven't figured out how to be alone and not lonely
Only wishing I could go back to how it was before
But there are more things on my mind
There are more things to do
I haven't figured out how to do it on my own

Just me and a homegrown sadness
That keeps me company with
Those late night cigarettes and cold coffee
Staring out at windows starry-eyed at nothing
Solitude is the most profound fact of the human condition. When you become aware of yourself, you become aware of our lack of another, that is, our solitude.
369 · Apr 2018
Last Train
aar505n Apr 2018
I'll get the last train home
I do not wish to outstay my welcome
I really don't mind - I actually like it
Can you like sad and lonely times?
There's an odd feeling when overhearing friends talk
It forms the static beneath my thoughts
As I hold on tight to this solitude
And try to like it as much as it likes me
Sorry I have to go and catch the last train
366 · Apr 2018
No Common Grounds
aar505n Apr 2018
For that restless wanderer there is no common ground

On Sundays - when family rest and friends play - he has no where to go.

He hath ears and hears all
That is more painful than mere sight alone
Conversations that he will never partake in again

Through this suffering may wisdom come
Or else eternal punshiment for the restless wanderer
338 · May 2017
-
aar505n May 2017
-
I call what I like 'Good'
And what I dislike 'Bad'

This morning was good.
It all depends on what is what.
aar505n May 2015
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T­̵̷̧̩̥̻̭̤̻̘̼̯̯̩͚̖̱͈̂̄ͮ̓ͯ̈́̅̈ͪ̏͊͘͢I̶̟͕̦̮͎͇̋̅͌͆̇͘ͅC̸̛̓ͬ̒ͣ̉͆͋҉̜̣̮͇̲͇͟ͅ­̮̥̹K̹͖̹͙̗͈̜̲̺̺͕͎̩̱̝͔̰̬̙ͦ̅̎͘͜͡T͍̳̦̞ͯ̓̌̑͌̔͐̌̇̽̓ͭ̄̋̚͘Ơ̵̭̩͉̂͐̑͊ͬͧͅCͧ­̛̽̄͋̏̍҉̷̜̫̱̙̣̗̟̞͚̻̟̙͓̳̤̜̭̫̦͘K͂͒͛͋͐̃̊ͮ̏́̔̆̄ͨ̚͏̮̜̞̜͓͞


                                            Tͮ̈̊̊͘͏̢͔̺̦̖̭̣͓̥Ï̧̥͇̭̦̝͚̾̐ͭ̋̋̉͆̒̃̚̚͟C̢͕̰̫̫̟̖̞̰̪͇̘̫̣̗̔ͦ̍̈͢͜ͅ­Ḵ̦̬͕̞̹̂͌̏ͤ̋̑͜͟͝T̰͕̩͇̻̭̥̹̤͙͔͙̟̮͍͔͐̓͛͐ͦ̆́̍̄͐̃ͮ̇͟Oͫ̆͛͒̂҉̲͚̼̝̘̰̱̺͕̀͜­̥Č̢̛̱̻̭͔̜̼̼͎̺̙̲͉̖̻̣̳̱͎̳ͧ̾ͣ̉͊K̴̶̴̠̤̭̪̥̣̲̹̲͈̘̦̩̼̳ͧͭ͆ͣͧ͂͑ͫ̆̐́͒́͝


­

             T̵̶̡̺̺̙͍̥̬̩͎͙͓̩̜̘̭̥͉ͨ̓ͤ̂͛͒ͮ̉ͧͨ͒̆̾̄̎ͨ̚͢I̛ͣ͐͛̉͟҉̬̩͎̖̱͢Cͪͣ͊́̿͂̽ͫͮ͊͊͆­̶̞͓͓̳̯̘̳̭̘̼̫͈̬̳̙̰̠̹͞Kͯͭ͗͆̐͒̈́͊͋҉̫͈̻̺͚̱̪̮̭̥̗̣̪̫͖̘͔̭̻͘Ţ̸̖̒͛͛̄ͣ͂̋̌͢͢­͙̩̺͔̩O̩̜̪̬̪̜̰̤̪̳͍̱̊̐̑͂̉ͫͦ̾ͦͧͩ̀̚͘͜͠ͅͅC̴̴̝͈͉̟̒̑ͣͬ͗͊ͦ̌ͮ̽ͯ͗͝͝Ḱ̎͂͊̓ͧ̄­͆ͨ͂̈̿̀ͤ̌͒͂͏̢̗͎̬̻͢
220 · Dec 2021
Real Truth
aar505n Dec 2021
the real truth is
i want to feel
i want to cry

the real truth is
i am lone
but surround by friends I'd die for

it used to be so neat, so nuclear
now it's hard to see clear

i am a bundle of habits
of sins, of needs
your favorite culprit

i should go
so i can be good
i should go
but not forever
(god no)

i need to try
i need to cry
Very much an emotional response to Farewell Transmission and Feelings
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