I felt awkward accepting your love at first.
I didn’t quite know how to handle it nor what to do with it.
It was more than the little kernels I normally got.
So, I let you love me.
Like letting in rays of sunshine
Warm my insides.
How could I ignore a love so pure?
Who am I to be picky when I shall die in a car crash any day now?
I’ve shied away from loving long enough.
If I can’t stop the sun shining, then I won’t stop you loving me.
I haven't figured out how to be alone and not lonely
Only wishing I could go back to how it was before
But there are more things on my mind
There are more things to do
I haven't figured out how to do it on my own
Just me and a homegrown sadness
That keeps me company with
Those late night cigarettes and cold coffee
Staring out at windows starry-eyed at nothing
Solitude is the most profound fact of the human condition. When you become aware of yourself, you become aware of our lack of another, that is, our solitude.
Let me have this one moment before you go.
Let me hold on to it before it will slip through my fingers.
All I have are these moments we shared.
They stay fresh on my mind,
The way our flesh entwined.
For once, lost in idleness.
Soon, the moment will lose its sharpness.
As time fades the memory made.
Until all that remains is a fleeting feeling.
A bittersweet leftover of a lover's emotions
shared with another.
We are but a bundle of experiences
It's a thousand tiny cuts that you receive
From the moment you're born
Waiting for someone to tell you that you are beautiful.
You yearn to stay youthful
You've learned the indisputable fact.
Your inherent value as a person
Reduced to your physical appearance
And given a numerical value online
For what is a selfie without it likes?
This is enough to make anyone cynical
Because everyone is the enemy
Like buskers on a busy street
All are competing for the attention
Of the passing indifferent crowds
All singing to be seen, to be known
Even just for one fleeting moment
It is a strange but primary emotion of the human condition
Decreed at birth to need validation
And this foundation is firmly instilled in us.
We never learn to fuss about it, as society reminds us
That there is nothing to discuss.
Sign up and accept the terms and conditions.
Show yourself to the world.
Nothing beats the sensation of adoration.
Even now, right now, I am showing myself to you.
So tell me I'm pretty, world.
Tell me I matter.
Tell me I exist.
I want to be known. I want to know you.
There comes that moment of sudden awareness
When you raise your head and see the bigger picture
See the links between everything in your life
And make the connection that makes the most sense to you
My connection will be different to yours
Some will see undeniable proof that the Earth is flat.
Others will see a plan of salvation lay out for them.
It does not matter about absolute Truths.
Chasing such is absurd
Because if no one can see it
Nor perceive it
Then does it really exist?
All people see are their own truths instead
Ascribing meaning to the Chaos
That's the 'real connection between us all
The interconnectness of all things lay in the connections we all make
We are all bending reality ever so slightly to fit the narrative we have crafted for ourselves
Telling ourselves stories to make sense of everything - and we all have stories
I will not seek solutions by a judicious study of the discernable reality, looking for The Truth.
I will act and create my own reality
Until eventually, everything connects.
Ascribing meaning to the chaos is all we can do
The first kiss was nice.
I was suddenly reminded of all the fun we had.
I felt my heart swell with old memories
Of dancing in your room at night
Or laying in the afternoon sun.
The time I melted into you
And you said you loved me.
That first kiss was nice.
Then you kissed me again.
I recalled how it ended.
The hurt and pain of the separation.
The feeling of not being want,
Of not being good enough.
My heart shriveled up as it remembered the heartache.
The second kiss was not nice.
Do I focus on the good or the bad?
Stop the car now.
Sing to me.
While no one is watching.
I want to hear you.
Here before we go further.
A song of the hills.
And of the now.
I want to know you.
I want to be known by you.
That is all anyone wants
I'll get the last train home
I do not wish to outstay my welcome
I really don't mind - I actually like it
Can you like sad and lonely times?
There's an odd feeling when overhearing friends talk
It forms the static beneath my thoughts
As I hold on tight to this solitude
And try to like it as much as it likes me
Sorry I have to go and catch the last train
For that restless wanderer there is no common ground
On Sundays - when family rest and friends play - he has no where to go.
He hath ears and hears all
That is more painful than mere sight alone
Conversations that he will never partake in again
Through this suffering may wisdom come
Or else eternal punshiment for the restless wanderer
Sacred Soul stuck in a profane Body
Insane Id inflicts anguish on scared Ego
Man finds trouble with doubled nature
Both Angel and Beast want what's best
But both can not be satisfied at once
This division against ourselves
Can only offer suffering in our lives
So man does the civilized thing
Obliged to be sad inside and depressed
And represses those impolite appetites
That contaminates consciousness
"How can we belong entirely to ourselves, and entirely to others at one and the same time?"
it was all good until in the morning when the last of the illusions was broken
he had let the past coloured his vision
while also putting his hopes of the future on to his present
but now he sees, now he leaves
we didn't fit like before but maybe we never did.
rationality crashes down on me
he does not have that bit of me I seek
so what's the point of prolonged disappointment?
Never give myself fully, always pretending
searching for that lost part of me in others and alwasy leaving
this is my first storm without you
i'm fully awake, alone
thinking about you
for the first time in months
wondering if it's a rainy night over you too
wondering if you are still where i left you
that first stormy night still fresh in my memory
i remember us laying together as
the wind howled and the rain hammered
i gave myself to you completely
tangled together to stay warm
dissolver of limbs
for on that night, my soul took flight
a climb into the sublime
as the world around us melted away.
until it was just the two us.
the wind bellowed, and the rain poured
neither did phase us one bit
as we rested half awake, half dreaming
i no longer dream like you do
only remember what i can't forget
Maybe this will be my last storm without him
please don't make me think
turn the volume up
let me sink in noise
drown it all out
i don't want to hear you
call my name anymore
if i must live in this world
then i refuse to dwell on notions
i shall go through the motions
because it be hell if i stopped
and hell if i think
get these thoughts out of my mind
I fear me
Because I do
Not know me
Who is me
Are not around?
I can be others
The son, the worker
The old friend, the lover
These are roles
I can control well
But when you
Strip the actor
Of his roles
what is he?
There is just me
And that scares me
I have made myself an 'other', and now I'm left on the outside looking in. Observing and trying to understand the actions and habits of this strange creature that is me.
Self-hatred is self-generated
Can't keep this toxin on the shelf
It seeps and spreads
Into all that have tried to love you
Slowly separating you from everyone
That you have ever known
Leaving you forever alone
With only yourself to love
But what happens if you ***** up self-love?
What is there left to love if you can't even love yourself?
And who can ever love someone who doesn't love them self?
Love thyself, aye?
and this is my reality
the promises i brake
the choices i don't make
i blur the lines
to keep my mind straight
losing myself in others
when i don't want to be me
right now i am smoking outside
with these strangers disguised as friends
these cigarettes aren't for me
but for them
i have lost myself along the way
i haven't been me for awhile now
and that is my reality
I can't stop performing
feelings of love
weigh you down
has you dealing
with the impossible
it's not just this
frown you see
it goes past the face
deeper into the past
making you wish
you never had
feelings of love
i do not believe in the conditions that produce the situation that demanded a poem like this
It was like I never left.
It made me uncomfortable,
How easy it was, how familiar.
There was meaning to it when you strip it down.
Plus the urge not to be sad for a little while.
It's hard to escape the past,
Ghosts linger in this room.
I hear them as you sleep.
Whispering what I already know.
I think I may have to bury you,
Once and for all.
But maybe not right now
Soon I will bury you into this poem as a grave warning to all.
But for now, we do not have to be ourselves in the shadows.
I call what I like 'Good'
And what I dislike 'Bad'
This morning was good.
It all depends on what is what.
Good old rain
Is upon us again
is upon us again
We could melt away
Back to the black
If just for a day or more
Ignore what was felt
Good old rain has remain
And we should too
Darling, let yourself cry
Raining now but we have
All of our life to be dry
This travel refreshes the eyes
Even if it is the same view
Day in and night out
Doesn't take away its beauty
A journey marked by swans
That runs seaside
then turns riverside
and adjourns right side
See, it's a journey burned behind my eyes
It is between the swans that I can think
And not think
This is my safe house and I'm a habitual criminal
Stowing away in this liminal place
Taking a rest from being arrested
for too much stress
I will never tire of these travels
Each sunrise and full moon
Falling that little bit more in love
Pupils dilating as the eyes refresh
Come a little closer, Love
There is something I want you to see
You can be the melody
Come a little closer, Lust
There is something I need you to be
You are the rhythm
So that I am the harmony
Between the soothing melody on top
And the hidden rhythm beneath
Love and Lust entwined just once
For one song, one dance
So trust in this chance
Come a little closer, now
There is something we need to do.
Let's us dance now while the music still plays
And I know it is true - my soul is arriving
Wanting to take hold of this human frame
Shake loose those dark doubts in hiding
That grants the pain that comes with looming shame
Dare I ask - Is this me now taking control
Of the internal workings from being led astray?
Or maybe I am just giving in to the expected role
Accepting the external forces at play.
When my soul arrives then I shall begin again
Born anew sans sin so to be ready
Obtain contentment and maintain
Then it may grow and bloom steady
But I was wrong – my soul is not arriving. It is here.
Yet nothing changes. My dark doubts do not disappear.
Waiting for nothing and nothing arrived
I will hear the Swan's song soon.
Pale, as the moon shines.
A fading shade and then gone.
My feathers will become fossils.
My bones will become relics.
My memory will become heirlooms to be pass down.
What more could I desire to leave behind?
When this fire goes out, do not doubt.
The ashes shall preserve my bittersweet leftovers
Standing as a haunting reminder to all
More ghostly than any ghost
That I shall survive for as long as there are those who remember
And that is it.
Remember me as I fade into the darkness
It's a slow dimming within
It's a slow dulling of the senses
I must pay the consequences
Of my recklessness
I have lost my shine
Lost control of my spotted mind
Couldn't preform the role required
In this fake and tainted world - ain't that sad?
I will be good when I'm gone
And that's the sad truth about youth
All your trying gets you crying
When every step cuts and bleeds your feet
- Why would you walk?
My best intentions are not considered by The Fates - Tragedy at its purest
I wish Mankind could be kinder
I wish Solitude liked me
I wish I wasn't me
Dehumanizing the self
Where am I going?
What's there that's not here?
Here is now.
And now is gone.
But I'm still here
And not there.
I miss my dancing days
Do you remember Him?
How He moved like it was the only way one should move
Eternal, He -
I could live forever in His fountain of youth
If the truth wasn't so clear
I could drown in His water instead
In the forest fall
I hide from all
So I can hear Him
The voice in the darkness -
The singing god
Whispering just enough
To unhinge me
I'd imagine the stars still shine
Darkly over you
The stars here are different
They look the same
But they're askew
Not quite aligned
like me and you
Not quite bright
Not quite right
On this quiet night
This is a pure hurting that can't be avoided.
It demands to be felt.
Pulsing waves of sadness radiating from within.
It washes over me.
It floods my body.
It cleanses my mind.
And in the morn -
I am reborn.
I seized the heaviness of the Earth upon myself while you floated to the moon on your on accord.
I guess we were never to share the same fate or be mates.
Before we could even be acquaintance
You cut that umbilical cord at the earliest convenience.
Leaving me to handle the discord.
I was taught that twins are supposed to share everything not just a handful of DNA.
I thought we were raised the same but I guess you were absent that day.
I know I shouldn't impose on to your qualities you don't possess however I never really asked much from you - just a little help to ease this heavy load on my shoulders.
Not that it would matter as at the end of the day we both share the title "Loving Sons"
But we are not twins.
We are not brothers.
We are not siblings.
We are simply two people who grew up together in a single house for a long period of time and that's it.
I know that I do not know you.
I should accept this and not expect anything from you.
Soon - I will collapse under the weight of the earth and you'll find a new home on the moon.
Before I went in the morning
I left you my heart
Not wanting to disturb your rest
I quietly ripped it out of my chest
And stored it in a cardboard box
I'd imagine you'll be quite flummox
Debating whether this was sane or insane
So allow me to plainly explain:
I had to depart from you
But my heart could not bear to be apart
I felt it distressing in my chest
For it loves you so freely and pure
Tearing it out was the only cure.
Don't ask why or how
Just know it is yours now
I don't mean to impose on you
Just propose you care for it
Like one would care for roses
Place it at whatever spot you feel it should grace
Treat it right and it will treat you right
Just please, please don't let it go to waste
It won't last forever - for my heart is finite
But there is still many fine nights to come
So enjoy it while it lasts
What use do I have of it now?
Pretty things should be eternal
Instead of being rather ephemeral.
Roses whither away.
Buildings weather down.
Time will end love every time.
It reveals all and destroys all.
Nothing last forever.
Better a blissful weekend of love and nothing more -
Than to watch what you love -
Unravel, shatter and die.
Mere mortals thus miserable
We must all feel death.
It does not matter what comes after.
But the moment - that moment real.
Dancing to the Tennessee's Waltz
Don't think about the lost, Scarecrow.
Don't think at all - empty that brain
If you wish to stay sane.
You're darling Dorothy is gone.
You heard the truth in that song
"I have heard the future.
And all I have left is myself."
What comes after does not matter.
We're going to Oz - and I need my Dorothy
Last night I melted into you -
It felt like an eternity
It felt like a river flowing
Into an intense tranquility
Uncertainty tries to
unhing my sanity
But I know what I know
To be true
I flowed into you
Until we became one
And for once -
I didn't feel a lone
Because I knew -
I knew this is where
I feel your bones like my own for we are one
I think you can know something before it happens
There's a change in the air
Or something inside of you
That you know to be true
And it is not that strange
Don't be that person with nothing to say
As the autumn leaves fall
Dying leaves spawling out through wind
You can try to catch to wind
But you might just lose your mind
Depart from me
Deep within the sea
Feel the water through your fingers
Let that wonder linger
Maybe you'll feel a thronging in your chest
A tightly packed longing
Like lungs on fire
Fueling a simple desire
to breathe and to be
Inspired by Departure (2015) - lovely little film
What control do I hold over the near light?
With a turn of a dial I can lower its brightness.
Dimming until closed dark covers this living room.
Although not much living is done in this room.
Not much of anything is done in the dark.
But the Singing.
Yes, the singing of an old song forgot.
When lost upon dark waters
This song becomes an anchor.
The last tangible connection from here to the near light.
I realise now I am not alone.
There is an Other here that does the singing.
An old friend.
The haunting melody pulls me deeper into the sea of black.
Back against the wall, back again the listener.
I thought I was better.
I thought I was in control
But control is a cruel illusion.
A foolish desire that can not be meet despite best efforts.
For it is easy to blow out the candle than it is to reignite the flame in darkness.
I have blown out the candle in a perverse attempt to show the control I never possessed.
So I relinquished the idea of control
Give myself to the darkness and her melody.
My last thoughts centred on the near light before
- finally -
the closed dark put my light out.
Slowly, my consciousness disparates
And I am lost into the ether.
Have you ever sensed an Other? Not another but an Other - hiding in the dark - waiting?
It appears Mel never left, keeping her dark eyes on me.
If I kept walking
Went along with the crowd
Would you miss me?
Cause sometimes I feel like doing so
Giving in to the currant
Just keeping walking
I'd be one among the many
Toss upon this moving sea
Alone - a long way away
Funny that isn't?
Alone among the many.
Where we are all alone together
The irrationality of rational thinking
Is that we must rationally account
The irrational aspect that comes with us.
Cause when does anything we do make sense?
The innocence of a guilty conscience
Is as true as the reverse
I don't want to be lonely
Don't want to be me at all really
Even if I did like solitude - it does not like me back.
But to be alone is different
Alone among the many
Makes perfect sense doesn't it?
Maybe you'll spy me one day
Just for an instant - watching you do
Before a wash of faces carries me away
Would you try to follow or
Would you think fondly of me or
Would you just convince yourself you saw nothing?
If the lather is the case
Then I leave my name with you
Where ever I might go - I will no longer need it.
I will be the Witness.
A terrible wallflower
Graceless and without power.
So maybe - I'll keep on walking
Unsure if I'll ever be anchor again
For what I know of love - there is nothing to gain.
I forgot of your existence.
Until now - just now -
While waiting at the train station
I had looked at all there was to look at
And so raised those lifted eyes to the Heavens
Expecting empty skies
Instead I spied you nested between overhead wires.
You took my breath away and
I could've sworn you winked at me.
I became flooded in the half-light of old memories.
You were always there weren't you?
Thanks to a compression of time and space
Distance isn't an issue when you share the same place.
Even now, right now,
You are here.
As I ride this shakey train home.
It dawns on me that I am drawn to you rather spectacularly.
Pull the tides of emotions inside to swell
And threaten to overwhelm
Would you take my hand if you could?
Whisper sweet nothings,
Tell me everything is OK?
(Even though we both know the truth)
Stay silent if you will
But do not ask me to go
Even you must admit the lunacy of such a request.
No, I will stay.
It is my turn to orbit you now anyway.
I'll promise to do my best
So you may get some well deserved rest.
Oh - how could I have ever forgotten your existence?
Opps I felt emotions
You won't catch me – while running through the rye
I've got nothing to lose - only everything to gain
Maybe I'll end up in miles of traffic waiting for the lights to turn
Like a yellow ladybird, waiting for the red light so to leave
The daily grunt and anxiety of simply going from A to B
My stomach churning at the thought of such a terrific possibility
Alternatively, away from the city, there's the sea.
I do always hold I was a French sailor in a past live.
Even though I've never been to the Côte d'Azur
I'm sure I could find a second home there
But I’ve never doubted the fact I do like my hometown
Could I really sway away from Bray?
I’ve never been down when walking along stony beach
Or over the Dargle at night, swans floating about without care
Learning is synonymous with Leaving
If I am to strive in this life maybe I need a push
To drive myself from my comforts
And feel that rush upon discovery one’s worth
In living than mere surviving.
Although I must admit, this poem is full of ****
These ramblings of single stream of thought
Not dreams per say as I am aware that
They do tear at the seam and unravel quite brilliantly.
No, this is not my dreams and hopes
Or some sad reality check
About how tempting the rope can be
Or what can be done before one is dead
No, these words are quite frankly, just words
They represent my world at this present time
What one can find on my mind
Nothing more, nothing less
There is danger that tomorrow
It could all change
Stranger still, it could all remain the same.
Still with all this said ---
You won't catch me - while running through the rye
I've got nothing to lose - only everything to gain
Please let me experience the sensation of falling of a cliff and don't try to catch me.
The first sip of a coffee on a frosty morning
Toss and turn from your yearning
Lost upon years of searching in the Arctic
Following the trail up north
The snow has stopped, temperatures dropped.
Despair not and regret not
that cigarette had to stay warm
All you have are smoke kisses in the air
Or is that just your cold breath?
The only sign of life seen in days
Mind you, the sparrow is like no other
Flying against the wind
Three hundred miles away
And we're having a similar day
Me tethered to this place
While your pace slows with tired feathers
I'm not holding out for something better
These boots still have another year or two to go
Wear and tear occur slowly when one is rooted to the ground
My roots frozen limbs searching still.
And the night falls heavy now
and I am well acquainted with it
For in the winter's darkest hours
Is where my searching will end.
For what an electric winter -
those sparks like whispers in your ears
To pull archaic splinters from your side -
And let them blow in the Arctic winds -
And up to celestial lights -
burning bright bitter blues -
and emeralds and yellows -
and higher still -
breaking Heaven's inner dome -
- higher -
Ethereal particles of you displayed across the night sky -
And you are a singular multitude
A particular spectacular
Of particles participating
In the dance.
I found no Polaris during the Polar Night.
But a sighting of the famed lights.
Eyes opened and I can see clearly what you are.
He stopped sleeping one night, alone
Keeping his eyes awake, watch
As he lies vacantly, treading
Through tough thoughts, though
Knowing less by knowing, more
Memories fleeting by, now
He begins to itch, finally
Fingers twitching like moth's wings, fast
Scratching at sin scar skin, alone
Until he sleeps forever, more?
Those 4am thoughts
All men are born heavy.
We do not inherited this weight
But seize the heaviness of the earth
Obligations and connections one can not ignore.
I am not yet light like you.
Floating from place to place.
Uncannily light so that you may travel
To even the moon and back.
Travel refreshes the eyes
But it is my heaviness -
that prevents lunar travel.
To ignore what roots me to the ground
would be to act falsely light.
But you are truly rootless.
Born lighter than a feather -
how can you be so unnatural?
Unlike you, I will have to earn my lightness.
But even then my body will still be heavy
But not lightless.
Enda ta boka translates to heaviness of the earth.
This poem is based on my brief study on the Orokavia people of Papua New Guinea conception of 'lightness' and 'heaviness'.
I don't know what I want in this world.
I don't know what is worthwhile on this Earth that can make me smile.
It keeps spinning
And I keep turning over in my mind -
Does mankind even know what it wants?
Are we in love or just bored?
Filling up time before we're buried,
Chasing our tails and tales of how to live.
Tired of this town - strive to leave before it gets you down.
And when you leave you'll take the town with you and start again.
So the Earth keeps spinning.
And I stop smiling at what we think is worthwhile.
Because I don't know, maybe,
I don't want this world.
Waking up feeling fresh and disenchanted with the human condition
(Also I feel like I could add to this so it's a possible rough draft)
A wire is all that separates me from them.
It's too thin to see but I can hear the low buzz when I get close.
I don't know if it's electric -
But why take the chance?
I'm not manic enough for this death dance.
Yet, to them - my actions appear egocentric
Or that I want to disappear.
This is not the case.
I wish to join them.
But that buzzing prevents me.
There is no way about it.
And I doubt I could change this dread.
Pulling my teeth out of my head.
So I tell myself I like solitude -
Even if solitude doesn't like me
Trying to convey how I feel sometimes - classic poet move.
All is lost - horribly lost.
A terrible break within.
Let the rain pour.
Let the wind blow.
What does it matter now?
All is lost - horrible lost.
Stars shine darkly over me
And the wine-dark sea.
How much can a man endure
Before he finds himself below crimson waters?
A terrible break within.
Unbridled egoism is blocked
By the tyranny of the clock
Sound of feet and clicking pens
Locks one in a dark cage.
All is lost - horribly lost.
Don't ask me to hold up the world as
The collective weight of despair
Only crushes my darkly twisted reality.
Leaving me gasping for air.
A terrible break within.
I am a host to all I have endured.
The tears shed now frost on the memory
That haunts me the most -
Floats around more ghostly than a ghost.
All is lost - horrible lost.
How can one win against original Sin?
Sin slithering beneath skin
And pins your soul down.
There's no positive spin,
A terrible break within.
So now I pay the steep cost.
Allow the coldness to seep in.
*All is lost - horribly lost.
A terrible break within.
This is the day where my sanity finally broke in Reason.
Mystery are the prongs of jealousy
When struck rings and sings like a song.
Mystery still is why such innate sea of emotions
Overcomes me in such a fashion.
What does this say about me?
The prongs rings out -
I doubt -
I've ever felt this wrong before.
The prongs rings out -
I know -
Singing of everything I want
But will never had
I cannot change the song
Or tune these prongs
To another key
As the ringing is too strong
And it's been too long
Since I've heard sweet silence
All I have is neat violence
In the form of a forlorn song.
It's hard to know which way the wind is going to blow
And whether I will blow with or against it
Weather is temperamental
It has its own mentality - its own sovereignty.
And in a sense, innately sentimental.
How spring brings life - winter takes it.
Season change with little reason
Not strange in the grand scheme of things. Does it really matter how green the ground is?
How blue the skyline?
Does it harm us if it's not warm enough? What's enough?
I don't know which way the wind is going to blow.
But blow it will and maybe this time I'll blow with it.
Please forgive me when I laugh at another thing you've forgotten.
I do not mean to imply your brain is rotten.
Please forgive me when I get annoyed by your confusion.
I know it's not your fault your mind has a shakey vision.
I wish I could help you when memory fades.
However there is no easy remedy made.
Please know how much I love you and your funny ways .
If only that was enough to prove you're not a lonly member.
I would remind you of all our happy days
But even for me it's hard to remember.
I hope I do not become like you.
I hate myself for saying it but it is true.
I love you.
And I hate that you forget.
If memeory is all we are, then who are we when it fades?
The sound of feet is isolated in the tunnel.
Echoes of the slow steps of many fill the narrow space.
We march in silence.
Alone among the many.
We do this odd ambitious walk twice daily.
Twice daily this space is filled with the sound of the travelers and the workers.
And what about the times that betwixt the twice daily commute?
An ambiance like no other.
A roaring silence.
For those who have march here
They leave behind an echo,
an imprint of sort.
More ghostly than any ghost.
Haunting these tunnels with their essence
When the sound of feet is not present.
I like my train stations
I am always late.
I wish I wasn't but I am.
My friends, they wait for me -
But they won't always be there.
The day they stop waiting -
Is the day I stop being late.
I am just the worse
It begins to slip
The power I once yeild
Slips away, slips away
Soon I will lose the crown
And go down with it
With the specious belief
That I held any power in the first place