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aar505n Dec 2021
the real truth is
i want to feel
i want to cry

the real truth is
i am lone
but surround by friends I'd die for

it used to be so neat, so nuclear
now it's hard to see clear

i am a bundle of habits
of sins, of needs
your favorite culprit

i should go
so i can be good
i should go
but not forever
(god no)

i need to try
i need to cry
Very much an emotional response to Farewell Transmission and Feelings
aar505n Dec 2021
I saw you
As you stared at me
Two deers caught in each other headlights
As brief as a flash, blinked, and you’d miss it

I am only reminded of my heaviness when you are there
Standing – Floating – Watching
As ghostly as any ghost, then
Gone – Vanished – Nothing
I am alone, again, cursed to remain here

I tried to follow in your footsteps
Untangling, unknotting, unravelling
Myself from a generation of debt and duty
These twisted roots of familiar obligations
How did you escape such a similar situation?

I wasn’t born light, like you.
I was born heavy, brother.
I will have to earn my lightness.

Sometimes on rainy days
when the weighty pain becomes unmanageable
I find myself slipping into the tangible delusion
Of ascribing meaning to everything

That maybe you think of me as much as I think of you
That you see my pain and want to help
But it’s just too much for you right now
When you’re ready, you’ll come back to me
You’ll come back.

Sometimes the little lies we tell ourselves
Can be enough to get us through this life

But not tonight.
'He ain't heavy, he's my brother'?
More like he *is* heavy and he ain't my brother
aar505n Feb 2021
On one of my daily walks
I spotted a little daffodil – perfect and yellow.
I didn’t realize that the season had changed.
Been so busy just trying to survive,
I didn’t notice that it was Spring.

Looking at that little daffodil,
My thoughts went to you - as they do.
And made me feel a little less alone.
Sometimes it is the smallest of things,
That keeps you going, keeps you alive.

As sure as the daffodils are to bloom.
I am sure I will see you again soon.
Until I can safely say hello,
I’ll keep you in my thoughts.
Every time I see some yellow.
Social Distance Makes The Heart Forlorn
aar505n May 2020
I felt awkward accepting your love at first.
I didn’t quite know how to handle it nor what to do with it.
It was more than the little kernels I normally got.

So, I let you love me.
Like letting in rays of sunshine
Warm my insides.

How could I ignore a love so pure?
Who am I to be picky when I shall die in a car crash any day now?
I’ve shied away from loving long enough.

If I can’t stop the sun shining, then I won’t stop you loving me.
aar505n Mar 2019
I haven't figured out how to be alone and not lonely
Only wishing I could go back to how it was before
But there are more things on my mind
There are more things to do
I haven't figured out how to do it on my own

Just me and a homegrown sadness
That keeps me company with
Those late night cigarettes and cold coffee
Staring out at windows starry-eyed at nothing
Solitude is the most profound fact of the human condition. When you become aware of yourself, you become aware of our lack of another, that is, our solitude.
aar505n Aug 2018
Let me have this one moment before you go.
Let me hold on to it before it will slip through my fingers.
All I have are these moments we shared.

They stay fresh on my mind,
The way our flesh entwined.
For once, lost in idleness.
Soon, the moment will lose its sharpness.
As time fades the memory made.

Until all that remains is a fleeting feeling.
A bittersweet leftover of a lover's emotions
shared with another.
We are but a bundle of experiences
aar505n Jul 2018
It's a thousand tiny cuts that you receive
From the moment you're born
Waiting for someone to tell you that you are beautiful.
You yearn to stay youthful
You've learned the indisputable fact.
Your inherent value as a person
Reduced to your physical appearance
And given a numerical value online
For what is a selfie without it likes?

This is enough to make anyone cynical
Because everyone is the enemy
Like buskers on a busy street
All are competing for the attention
Of the passing indifferent crowds
All singing to be seen, to be known
Even just for one fleeting moment

It is a strange but primary emotion of the human condition
Decreed at birth to need validation
And this foundation is firmly instilled in us.
We never learn to fuss about it, as society reminds us
That there is nothing to discuss.
Sign up and accept the terms and conditions.
Show yourself to the world.
Nothing beats the sensation of adoration.
Even now, right now, I am showing myself to you.

So tell me I'm pretty, world.
Tell me I matter.
Tell me I exist.
I want to be known. I want to know you.
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