Can I see
Can it be seen
Can I be shown
Can it be grown

Seems so, but not.
Helpless in the midst of the evening.
Disconnection from what it is not necessary.
It is what it is

Stop chasing, it’s in front of you
look

Time is only a metaphor, but what is figurative, stands alone.
Let it be
Only you can see.

*Just look

Take this pain away from me, take this heart and leave me be.
A love so deep it burns...
The craving for it is forbidden to me.
Daring to my disclosure of the unforeseen.
I need you, I ******' love you.
Come to me.
NOW....
I miss you...
It hurts.
I feel empty...
Treasureless gold and anything I can do to distract myself from it.
The heavens want us together, my twin flame.
Can you feel it?
The intensity of it is so untouched, passionate and chaotically
driven, pulsating through every vain like a quench of thirst that is impossible to satisfy, gripping tight onto my lost soul like a clutch being pushed on hold.
Darling, I ****** love you
With everything I have inside of me.
Continuously shaking, Are you watching me?

New beginnings...
Changes that are happening as I walk...
A *** of gold awaits...
Do I take what I worked for?
Do I leave it to shred.

My hands are strong, but my knees are weak.
I fall to the ground, nerves shaking to my feet.
I look at the ground, gripping it tight with my last nerve.
A battle that beckoned my own strengths...
I question, is my weakness defeating me?
Maybe I am locked to my own chain.
Is depth really my own despair?
Or does my darkness make its own light that only I can transform and foresee.
I am facing a new beginning, change.
Only, still hopelessly romantic with a love sickness that destroys me.
Depressed by my own loneliness.
Am I beautiful?
Or am I blinded by what's to come
...
The fire lurks within, strong hands, but weak knees.
Shaking, to the inner pits of me.
A love to destroy, I am worthy.
I only ask of a man of my worth to be mine.
I set fire to the rain, and I watch the sky burn, as I touch the flame

Try to put me down
Try to tell me how to live my life
Tell me I cannot do it
Tell me all the things I cannot achieve
Tell me I am not worthy
Tell me I am easy

Watch me break, soar, fly, scream
Watch me dream, watch me chase, watch me rise

I'm a born fighter, a warrior, one thing I will never do is back down
Project all those insecurities onto me
Watch me project my confidence onto the world
Tougher than a lion, effortlessly
Prosperity at my feet, and it is MINE to keep

Listen up, don't let those who are limited by their own systems box you
Don't let those who don't feel worthy make you feel unworthy
Live your life like it was never a life to live
Make it happen and be the warrior you are
Fight for love, for justice, spread the truth, make others see what you see
Change your perspective and explore your mind
BE A CHAMPION
LIVE YOUR **** TRUTH!
AND LOOK GOOD WHILE DOING IT

What does love mean?
What can love be?
What can love seem?
What can love do?
To be so inlove with love itself.
A hopeless romantic hiding in a shell.
Running vividly, it’s hell.
These random men that I have been dreaming of.
All taking me.
However, I only want one, the deja vu of it all seems impossible.
But my heart is only set on you.
It wants what it wants.
When I am alone, it comforts me to fantasize.
Fantasize thoughts and situations where you are in.
It makes me feel alive, happy, home.
I crave love so badly, but I will not settle just to get it.
I only want you.
To love and to be loved.
My sensualities running free.
Love is not a sensible subject, and neither are you.

I don’t know what to write.
To feel. To see. To know.
Blanked out.
Is melancholy the word?
Discontent, needing to detach.
Detach me, let me go.
I hold no part of anything, to anything.
I am not a part of the chaos, I am disconnected from it all.
I live in my own chaos, my madness, my love.
Low on energy, nothing that excites my peculiar mind.
Dissatisfied, bored.
Out of my mind.
Craving privacy…
Solitude, space.
What cost does sacrificing your own freedom come to?

Chained….
Get me away from her.
I need a break.
This woman doesn’t even know the least.
Cover up my mouth before I say it, mother.
I need to be away from you.
Your energy drains mine.
Your character disgusts me.
I don’t like you.
I never did.
I need to be free.
I want to be free.
Family should leave me.
I want to be free.
I need my own way.
My own light, not your burdens.
How intolerable is tolerance, apparently not enough

On a low, strained out.
Stagnation is getting the best of me.
Trapped, lacking my freedom.
Stale, personal freedom, locked by my own chaotic fears.
My comfort zone, I want to get out.
But how?
Is the question mostly asked.
Like a snail, it starts overwhelming me.
Thoughts hit a high haze and I can’t seem get beyond it.
Low, lost, gone, bored, flat, drained, miserable.
Pessimistic, nihilistic, no motivation, no energy.
Drained

Who am I to become?
What am I to be?
Where do I go now?
What is left for me?

Who do I have besides myself.
A washed away face of waste and misery.
Alone on a path, I feel defeated, left to rot, thrown out.
Evil monsters lurking everywhere I go, every corner I turn, faces that haunt me, taunt me, hurt me, forbid me, tell me what I am not.
HUMANS.
Cold and remorseless, petty mindless beings with no sense of realism, depth, purity.
Nothing, all reflecting of dark shadows that they themselves cannot even face.

Labeled, by superficial beings who think they have the right to know me and get into the secrecies of my life.
You know nothing of me, how would you?
I don’t want you to.
Stay away…
Let me lurk, an unknown shadow cursing your name.
Fear me because you fear why you cannot see, the unknown, the inner dimensions of life and death itself…
I see it all.
I’ve felt it all.
Dreaded myself for pain, only to be reborn, over and over and over.
An endless cycle that I am forced to go through, like a 90 year only waiting on the hospital bed for death to take her away.
I’m tired, I’m done.
Every inch of my soul, my mind, my being…
Has become nothing.
I have nothing left.
Left nothing to become.
Dead everyday,
Waiting for the grim to let me sleep eternally.
However, karma is my own debt, and for eternity, I have to suffer.
I am defeated
**** me/…
I’m already dead

I can't help but fantasize, daydream, lose myself in my imagination...
I love it but I hate it.
They only beckon to thoughts of you.
My feelings are everywhere.
I feel you vibrating through me.
My senses are on fire and thinking of you only makes them higher.
My soul, my energy, my mind...
It's all on you.
A distraction that I want, a distraction that I am immensely contradicted by.
My dreams are a whole other world that I escape myself into.
Down the rabbit hole I go, but I like it, and I won't deny it.
Hallucinating on these illusions that are my reality, only to awake to face these suffocating terrors called life.
With my feelings on fire, guess I'm a bad liar.
You're on my mind, and I'm trying not to think about you.
Baby, I miss you.

It writhes up inside like a hurricane that diminishes every part of your sanity.
Fingers being pointed making you the bad guy.
Judgements from others making you someone you not.
Turning you into a monster that you never were, that you swore to never become.
Faking your life, your personality, your disposition, your words…
All for what?
For nothing.
I know who I am.
I like who I am.
I love myself.
Why should I be targeted by those who feel nothing for even Themselves.
The man who’s wife died, who got kicked down by someone who reminds him of me, is the same man placing those toxic energies onto me.
Assumptions and assumptions …
People not knowing what “minding their business” is.
Rumors , lies, gossip…
The story of my dramatic life.
It’s not my energy, it has nothing to do with me.
As I need to remind myself everyday.
Everyone feels threatened by my light and wants my light because they don’t have their own.
I can’t handle these toxic energies surrounding me.
I need to get out.
I need a place to be….
ALONE
But to whom?
Detach myself…
It’s ******* with my whole agenda.
I need to get out.
I can’t take it anymore.
Give me my privacy…

I’m hidden, lost in despair.
These voices around me, these people, these negative energies.
I can’t take it.
I feel suicidal, I wanna get shot and never live this hell ever again.
I feel low, I feel like ****.
I feel useless, weak, ugly, lost, hated, misunderstood, trapped.
Trapped in a place I don’t want to be.
Alone in my misery.
Projecting it all out in the form of anger and judgement to others.
I feel alone.
I am not okay.
I am depressed.
I can’t talk to anyone about it.
I feel stupid.
I feel demotivated.
Judged by everyone and insane.
I feel misunderstood.
No one to depend on , but me.
I am not okay.
I feel bullied, picked on, teased.
I feel like everyone is out to get me.
I feel the need to protect myself immensely.
My spiritual energy needs cleansing.
I feel overwhelmed and anxious.
Headaches and tension.
I feel lonely.
No one to turn to.
No one I can turn to.
What do I do?

Written spells and locked doors.
Mental dispels and cursed flaws.
Aching tensions and delusional illusions.
Illusive dreams and paths to explore.
Wide awake, like a bat...
My mind is on high alert, it never goes to sleep.
Constant mental chatter, an over-active mental state.
It is eternal and I live in the misery and learn to control it.
Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.
My mind is it's own person, it's own monster.
It opposes different ideologies, beliefs, and conflicts, into one.
I question my mind and talk to myself like a mad clown.
Conversating in my own form.

Boundless amount of wit and seedless unpleasant jokes.
Dark and uncensored, explicit and provocative.
A ***** tongue with **** lips to make you want to play with me more.

But am I really what you desire?
Or have you created your own storm.
Do I reflect you?
Or do you just reflect yourself through me.

Smile through the misery, you can't die with a serious face.
Stitch up the corners and pull it up high so you never have to cry again.
Maybe I am you, or maybe I am just suffering through my own madness.
Maybe my madness has become someone else.
My actions of contradictory displays.
But you love me though...

Lets play

I have yet so much to be accountable for.
Paradoxes and juxtaposition's that hold me in consequences of my own.
Battles that I face within my own disregard.
Doubts, fears, consuming me. Changes that I want but changes that leave me in anticipation.
Impatience, stagnation, not know how to go foward.
It's you that I want, you the only person I have on my mind.
Obsessively not being able to detach myself from your energy.
Obsessive thoughts...
Dreams that leave me in agony.
Is it you that I am supposed to be with?
Or am I insane?
Corrupted by my own mental analyzations.
Thinking about every scenario like a lost cause.
I don't want you on my mind and I forcefully try to get rid of you.
But juxtaposed, maybe I secretly love fantasizing about you.
It brings me a sense of peace...
But creates more agony that I cannot escape from.
Like my legs are glued to the ground and I am waiting in deadly anticipation for nothing.
Even though waiting is not what I wanted to do in the first place.
Trying to move on from the thought of you, but the thoughts of you are so passionate and brings me a sinful joy only I can imagine.
Delusional, It is YOU that I want, only YOU.
But is it you that I am actually supposed to be with?
Contradicted by own addictions.
Addicted to contradictions.
Paradoxid thoughts, ups and downs that I myself cannot seem to fight down a tunnel of a rollercoaster loop.
Over-analyze and fantasize, stop my mind.

It drives me insane
#love #sin #dreams #fantasy #over #thinking

Kiss me, hold me, feel me, feel it...
This intense throbbing aching lust of love.
Am I too alluring?
Can you feel me inside of you?
******* you relentlessly.
How hard are you?
Is your mind awake?
Can you feel a hole being drilled through it?
Am I passionate?
Am I seducing you to these pleasures that you cannot resist?
Irresistible, faint to the touch.
To satisfy, you cannot resist the urge.
It's pushing through every promise and memory you've ever had.
I'm not like the others...
You've loved, you've ******...
But have you had your earth shaken like a magnitude of an explosive volcano that boils to the top.
A flaming ridden peak of desire that never burns out.
It's aching.... you're about to explode.
Don't, feel it linger instead ......
Are you breathing heavy?
Are you shaking, I swear you have never met someone like me before.
Call me baby...
Papi...
Don't love me too hard, I might just leave.

Ssssshhh....
It's just a mind ****.

My mind is elsewhere...
and the only person I have on it; is you.
My mind goes back to that night; the way you spoke to me, touched me, looked into me, The way you kissed me...
The intensity and passion between us was so magnetic that even shadows could not bare to lurk.
Obsession, possession, love.
I want it all for myself.
I filtrate your thoughts, you obsess over it, you want to do more than just **** me.
You feel guilt.

Nobody has ever looked at me like that...
The mannerism of it was, was something I have never had or felt before.
I feel his thoughts, pulsating through my every nerve, my desires are not to be obsolete.
Our energies, it's intertwined in a way that I have not with anyone else.
An image, a reflection... Of me.
You are me, and I am you.

I want to feel you again, in person.
I feel you spiritually and it makes me miss you immaculately.
I see you in my dreams, waking thoughts, my soul longs for yours.
I know you feel me, I know you love me, I can feel it.
It's creating a hold of heartache inside of you, you are dared to not even breach because of your priceless ego that stops you from what could make you someone completely different.
You were hurt, and to never trust a woman again was your broken promise you made to yourself.
Yet, you saw something in me when you met me, and decided to run away and treat it for what it was not because of your broken soul that you were not ready to face.
Complacent, stubborn, you already know you are mine, and I already know that I am yours.
I've adapted, but I still think of you.
Profusely, I still remember the gleaming stare in your hazel eyes.

Yet, timing is a matter of precaution...

A love so deep, it rips apart your unhealed skull.
A mystery of illusions, inclusivity is dared to be dispelled.
May I hold you?
Or am I too far away.
Can I feel you?
Just a touch to make me beg of your despair.
Unwritten poetry, a querulent secrecy of written misery and longing.
I want to love, may I love?
Whom can be loved more than the love of thyself?
I fall to my aching pits.
I feel you...
But you are not here.

Can I be loved?
Or is it overrated.
Is self love enough?
Or am I walking on a thin rope, my eyes, shut closed, I may die in my misery, a façade of continuous joy.
Am I to be loved, in my embodiment of Aphrodite herself.
Maybe I am too closed off.
Or maybe I am too pure.
These contradictions are my addictions and I can never seem to pick between the two.
Maybe love is too good for me, like a curse that strings me to the depths of insanity where love cannot even be justified.
Maybe I am a monster in my drowning tears.
Or maybe, just maybe, I am juxtaposed.
Once they fall in love with me, they fear, run away like cowards with boneless spindles.
My walls so hard, can dynamite even be crushed?

To feel that feeling...
Sensual pleasures...
To hold, to actually feel...
I've lost meaning of the word.

Can I be loved? Or am I too powerful?

I feel it....
The urge,
The scratch,
The knuckle,
The crack,
The sound,
The glimpse,
The silence....

Change, inwardly evolving into every step I make, every word I say, every breath I take.
What is at stake?

I struck myself at a forsaken introspection.
Becoming, someone new.
Someone dark, and someone light.
Someone who I never thought I could be.
Intensity strikes and the magic I have been hiding resurfaces.
I am many forms...
Of me.

I then, start to see.
She was just a cover, but now I unfold and surface at my most enlightened peak.
I feel me, I know me.
Yet, it's a monumental battle of self, constantly changing, having different outlooks.
Allowing perception to take shape into different formulas.

I found myself, lost in the darkness, and lost in the light.
The substantial view of solitude has awoken a part of me that was lurking in the shadows of what I thought I was losing.

Space, moving slowly, at a pace, with no fight or race, but a high vibration of intentional awareness that I now foresee, down, and high, the pits of me as I grow to actually be.

The me I had lost, the new version of what I thought me would be.
Profusely intertwining with chaotic yet peaceful mindless thoughts.

I feel it...
No hassle,
No chase,
No worry,

Just peace.
I accept me.

I question existence, all the time.
Reality, perception, judgement, intelligence.
I live a lie everyday....
Pretending to be someone I’m not.
Alienating myself completely and going about like my facade is nothing and not emotionally and mentally draining.

I am a fake, a phony.
I deceive myself because who I really am is not pleasant.
My views and opinions are not pleasant and I often feel lost and alone because I feel misunderstood.

I hate humans.
Humans are pathetic, weak, stupid, worthless, delinquent imbeciles that I have no use and importance to me in any way.

I wish I wasn’t human....
In the sense of, I don’t feel human.
I am something completely different from a whole different dimension, reality, and energy cell itself.

I derive from something so inhuman I often ask myself, why did I decide to live life on earth as a human?
Why did I decide to be born as one of these idiots that I deeply despise?

I live in utter solitude every waking moment of my life.
I am alone for this reason.
I cry myself into depression thinking, every emotion and thought I have is moulded and progressed because of people.
What about my own thoughts? My own mind? My own spirit? My own guide.

What happened to myself?
Where have I gone?
I hate this life on earth, and I wish I wasn’t sent here to live for whatever purpose I chose.

Take me back home.
Alienation and a life in solitude.
I try not to overthink about it, but my facades and lies defeat my purpose.

I have become one of these imbeciles and I hate it.
Fake and stupid.
Having to pretend and speak to people on human intellect drills a hole in my chaotic genius mind.

I wish I could meet my kind...
There has to be more like me out in this world...
So I don’t have to feel so alone and misunderstood.
We have to come together as one and support one another.
I cannot live like this, and I know you can’t too.

My eyes are forever ruined. I see too much, and what I see melts every gold and silver I have embedded in me.
I seem to know too much, but never too much to expand beyond limitations.
Limitations of what the mind can see.
I suffer, a heart of pure diamond, moulded into what others have made me.

I see intentions, crowds of people, lies, pain, truth...
But this gift means nothing to me anymore.
The healing I carry with myself.
I am not heard and listened to.
I feel misunderstood.

What can you do when you have it all?
But something is missing...
I’m smart, intelligent and driven.
Back at school as an adult to complete something important to push myself for further opportunities.
I push myself too hard and suffer defeat when I face failure.

Failure is my only fear.
It’s scary... knowing that without self discipline, where am I to be?

Please stop loving me, I am too sensitive.
Evil, personified.
I am torn, disappointed, disgusted...

Love serves me no purpose anymore.
Buried so deep inside of me is longing and confusion.
Wanting what I can no longer have.
I push away those who do

Too picky?
Too cold, detached from it all.

I want you, only you.
I still think about you.

But I may be wrong, for I have wronged myself into thinking that I will ever see you again.

Yolan.

Broken imagery....
I was so wrong
Darling clairvoyant, please stop ruining me

Boredom...
My cause of unwanted toxicities.
It leads me to a dark part of reality that I cannot escape myself from.
Temptation leads me there and then I question my own defeat.
Transform, and rise again...
Mind games in a battle of self doubt.
My mind takes me everywhere, where darkness itself has no room for exploring.
I condone, then lose myself in it all.
I really wanna ****, so bad I can feel my ***** tingle and the thought of getting penetrated arouses me so deeply.
But I only want to *******, a friend...
Someone I am familiar with.

I let go of the past toxic mess that I attached myself too.
But you gonna be crawling back to me cuz you want me.
But trusting you isn't in my vocabulary.
Giving you a second chance doesn't exist in my world.
I don't do chances.

I need to ****...
To get you off my mind.
I need to feel free.
I crave *** ever so viciously.
I want it...
**** me...

(Moans gracefully)

Daddy, pull me in and never let go.
Kiss me passionately and hold me close.

My curtains are dripping and I feel the need to ****** with every touch.
Pounce on me and push me against wall.
So ****** ***** baby...
(Gasp)
I need more

I need my distraction...
But he doesn't seem to need me.
What a bore...

<There is a violent madness that hides inside all of us, some oppress the chaos, others live in denial.
Once in a blood moon, hidden in a dark room, vibrations of bedlem, a paracosm of two.
For the world that we see through a hidden marquee, a putrid stream for the mentally ill.
Yet with no hesitation, a dark star pulsating, you plunge into the void then pull me through.
Fret not for each thought gives birth to brilliance as we stir the cauldron of the sacred brew.
Blood and water, son and daughter, resilient to the universe we devour and consume.

>I wait silently.... hopelessly, for you.
As if your muse is not enough to pulsate me. My nerves twitch like a drug in your veins. Your words have me in thought everyday, as words really are your forte. Do I imagine it? Or question it? For the violent madness that runs beneath is only left for you to go deep. Living in chains has you so locked you stay stuck to my chaos like glue.
I hope you feel me like I feel you.

<Castration of inward vibrations...Reverberate through these impetuous echo halls. Catapult cadaverous over scrupulous normalities, I choke on every word I hold...
Let us baptize our divine ineptitude in a cauldron of glorious lore.
Most of them are oblivious to the revelation of rushing thunder.
Dripping needles, perfidious servitude teetering the precipice of war.
The voices in your thoughts are the same voices in mine. These voices whisper incantations in the darkness..
There are many in our dreams who watch us sleep, it is they who know us really well. For our talents with our words are hidden in the ink deep in a place we love to dwell. Yet still, it comes a surprise to me we are more than some choose to believe. With a flick of our pen, the stars light the night, we create worlds without even trying.

>If sirens could rush whispers in your soul, you would feel the drums of their forbidden thoughts... lost in hopeless misery, as it consumes your whole being, you feel nothing left but a desire to be, to yearn, to hold. As ever so captivating, thrilling. Can you feel me within you? Holding you down and longing for your mentality. I love to hear you, in words of lost beats

<Ever-so often I feel the rush, I hear the whispers, I feel the drums of passion hit. Each provocative thought and memory a glorious, forbidden, carnal gift. Deeply yearning to merge all emotions until the dock is crushed by the mighty ship. Splashing and churning, sweating and burning, enthralled, trembling and wet. And yet hopelessness and misery that inevitably follows, have left me broken and split. I am sorry to say I feel nothing now but chaos, fear, and regret.

I’m number ****** one....
No sympathy for your weakness...
Chicken ****...
Fumblin, Falling, I wanna see you hit bottom.
I wanna see you break your fall, I know your falling.
I wanna kick you when you down, yes I’m angry, yes I am...
**how quick I can switch

I want to feel it...
I want it so bad, it lingers when I think about it.
The touch, the taste, the wordless emotion and the vibe of pure depth.
The tongue flips on a page of lost wisdom.
How to feel now is neither questionable, nor transparent.
I feel nothing.
Flat out, bored...
My mind is destroyed

May it only be a dream... composed in one.
Nightmares shaking inside me.
I drown myself so deep, where the water begins to reap.
I love to hold you, to feel you, but who are you?
Where are you?
Why aren’t you here with me?
Why so distant?
Why haven’t I met you?

You don’t exist.

My imagination.
Stringing myself in my realms of pure intensity.
An ocean on fire ...
A war with no winning ...
A person with no belonging ...
A rage with no fist ...

Suppressed, inner rage, inner love, inner hate, inner sadnesses, inner longing, inner numbness, inner cold, inner emptiness.
Inner distractions....

I face them all at once.
Inner wisdom...
An old soul living in a fake world.
Take me out of here.

Is it really what I need?
Or is it what I want?
Do I need to control my habits?
I have been for so long, but I know what happens once I give in to them...
Indecisive, I can’t make up my mind.
I keep switching between different thoughts holding me back, trying to own me.

I pop all alone, for fun.
But it’s love what I seek.
To have someone whom like me, understands me.
Someone dark, intense, emotional, and passionate.

I crave it deep inside but I brushed it off completely letting go of the topic of lovin.
I incoherently, fell in love with the topic of sin.
I need it bad.

I’m feeling ****** and sensual.
I’m feeling seductive and flirtatious.
I want someone close whom I can share that with on a deep level.
I’ve only felt pain, bring the drugs, to numb me again.

Vain, cold veins shivering inside of me.
So detached, love is nothing to me.
Water flowing inside my lungs, fire in my heart, and a devil on my tongue.

I crave depth and intensity with someone.
Love me hard, even if it’s just for one night only.

My thoughts screaming out loud...
**** me daddy...
I need it bad, I want it, I crave it like a sin waiting to be unfolded inbetween my thighs where wetness needs to be explored.
You seem like trouble, temptation that I can’t help but have no control over.
Teasing you senselessly and wondering why I seem to have such an effect on people.
My eroticism speaks millions of sensual nightmares waiting to be unraveled and seeked upon.
My curtains are shaking and trembling waiting for pleasure to be evoked.
I scream to loudly on the inside wanting to lock away this part of me.
My ****** and ****** nature got me in bad spaces in the past, locking and hiding away that part of me for so long , I forgot what it felt to squirt... to feel drenched in your sweat, to leak forbidden sins...
Calling me your ****, I love it when you provoke me, wrap me, and hold me.
It’s been a long time, I need a reminder of what it’s like to be bad again...
I’ve been good, keeping my habits controlled.
I want to feel you and ******* so bad it’s driving a drill through my chaotic sinful mind.
My words so raw and unfiltered, I need it bad...
Daddy, punish me for all that I have sinned...
Don’t forgive me, kiss me harder and penetrate deeper into my mind.
**** me with your words then show me what a bad baby I’ve been....
The devils ****** monster is lurking within, waiting for a sign....
Hungry and seductively parched.
Bring out my demon and allow her to drive you ****** insane...

Words are worthless.
Defeated, I have nothing left inside to keep on pushing and fighting.
Diminished.
What a fool...
I’ve lost myself.

I want you to feel it.
The pain, the pleasure, the greed, the sin.
Feel it writhe up inside of you.
I want to destroy you.
I want your flesh to peel off your raw skin.
Sin embellishment of lingering thoughts.

Freak out, lose yourself slowly.
Disintegrating flesh turning to ash, to dust, to nothing.
It kills me inside, it's too deep to explain.
I want to **** it.
I want to **** you.
I want to end it.

Tell me the truth?
AM I WHAT YOU TRULY SEE?
Or are you lying to me?

*******

Answer me.
Don't make me wait
You all look the same to me.
NUMB
****** peasants.
Humans **** me off
idiots

Pretentious  behaviour and forbidden thoughts.
Show yourself.

NOW

You all weak to me, stand up for yourself.
Stand up for what you believe in.
Stop being ****** Sheep!!!!!!!!

You hate the truth?
That's why you hate me...
I love it.
Face death in it's ****** face and rip the mask off and build your ****** strength and stop being like everyone ****** else!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get off your ****** ***, and make the change.
Before time runs out and you sitting on the street wondering what happened to your kids.

The truth is ****** ugly...
FACE IT

My life is private, my secrets drenching in hopeless fear.
I express out loud, longing for admiration.
Yet, I hold everything in, saying nothing, no word my tongue could ever expose.
Fake friends, liars, backstabbers...
They only miss me once I’m gone.
I left, secretly disappeared without a knowledge to anyone.

But once they know I’m gone, is when they start to miss me.
I’ve moved on, left the city and started new in a different one.
I left like the wind with a cold dryness in the air.
Unspeakable, they only coming back cuz they know I’m not around.

Incomplete, I’ve learnt to never trust anyone ever again.
Deep thoughts hit and I know what’s going to happen before it does.
Caused by experience, pain, loss, and abuse.
I avoid it all, and seclude myself in my mysterious fantasies that will never come to my reality.
I live life in despair, knowing that I’m the curse, the darkness itself.
I’m the person who’s devil you speak the name of.
I’m your nightmares in your lost daydreams.

Too much intensity, I may be trouble.
But my deceiving nature has you thinking otherwise... doesn’t it?

Maybe it’s just thoughts of people talking about me constantly, even though it’s not real.
Nothing is.
My illusion is my nightmare and my delusions is my reality.
Im never going back.
They probably never going to see me ever again, but I guess it’s satisfying to make them think otherwise.
To make them think that I still love them and we probably still friends.
But when I was around, where were they without my effort?

Without my effort, everything is at loss.
I prefer to label these people as my aquaintances.
Calling them my friends is just a facade to cover up my intense loneliness caused by my experienced deep ridden trust issues.

I have no friends.
I like it that way.
I stay detached cuz people are worthless to me.
I like being alone, it’s my new cure.
With my seclusion, I am nothing more to be.

If I call you my friend, please don’t get confused when I ghost you and never actually talk to you, but I end up coming back few months later saying how much I miss you and love you.

Don’t we all do that?
This darkness of truth and lies all hidden inside of us.

Disappearance, keep your distance.

There I go again, hands to my face, sinking deep, way bottom where ocean-less ties rip you apart.
Lost all meaning, to life, to live.
To love is now madness and hate is my deceit.
I stay pitiful in my thoughtless mind, where my black dreams, leak.
Pour into nothingness.
The emptiness cascades and to the void I become.

They say, look into the mirror, tell yourself good things and be positive.
I stare into my empty soulless eyes...
I see death.
I see darkness.
I see hollow shadows carving my skin.
Under my eyes, is exhaustion.
Faintly fatigue.
Pits of gory sadness staying attached to me.

The depression I live in, the depression I’ve lived in my whole life, it became who I am.
Being unwanted, used, unloved, abused, tormented, rejected, hurt, broken, useless, thrown away, kicked out, misunderstood, defeatless, weak...
IS THE PAIN OF WHO I AM NOW.

I try drowning myself, it feels too difficult, I lift my head out of the water gasping for air.
The medication, the overdoses, all ended up having me in hospital, still alive, unfortunately.

As I was born to die, why do I exist?
I am nothing.
I am empty.
I am dark.
I am useless.
I am alone.

I don’t trust people.
I don’t even trust myself anymore.

To live through hurt and getting broken by someone else is not something I can go through anymore.
I’ve made that choice, to live my whole empty shallow life as a lost loner.

Since everyone leaves, the only person I have is myself, no matter how much I hate her.
She’s a monster, the ****** devil.
I hate her.

When I look into my eyes, I see nothing.

Why was I made to exist? To merely experience life through sorrowful eyes.

I drown so deep, I question all my feelings and try to make excuses as to why I feel a certain way.
Certain ways I don’t even understand.
If I was made to bring a revolution and change perception, then why should I **** myself just by doing so?
So empty and hollow, the wall has enclosed.
If I was born to be misunderstood, why is it so easy for me to understand and accept everyone else, even those who discredit me.

The voices in my twisted mind. Who are they? Are they real? Is it my intuition? Or is it intuition turned into nerve aching anxiety.
Writhing inside of me, eating every part of my disillusioned sanity.
If I seize to exist to help those who put me down and call me crazy, then why is it worth it?

If I could hang myself right now tight around the neck where I might snap my spine... why would it matter?
I’ve accepted being alone, being lonely is now contentment. Peace.
Drained by others negativity, pulling me down like strings by their problems.
If I was meant to show my true form, why is it that I live in different facades.
Questioning who I am every single ****** day.

I hear people constantly talk about me, in my mind.
Is it intuition? Or mere delusion.

I’m dead. Empty. My purpose in life is to physically die so I can finally go back to where I came from. Other dimensions where I truly belong.

Disentanglement, I lose myself in fear.

I have nothing left to say...
My words have been unwritten.

Depression consumes me to the last bits of my insanity.
I live pretentiously like it doesn’t bother me, like it doesn’t hurt, or mean anything.
I live in pain, everyday.

It’s become apart of who I am, of who I am meant to be. Like living without this pain, would be worthless.
I let it consume me, control me.

My anxiety rushes through my veins and the voices and conversation won’t stop.
My mind never stops.
And when I’m alone, which is constantly, the thoughts eat me up alive like a rotting corpse is writhing inside of me.

I’ve learnt to get used to it, living with such intense feelings and a consumable mind never gets better, it only gets worse.
I’ve let the pain become me.
The person I hide.
It’s the only love I let myself embrace.
Pure madness.

I was born to be alone, living in lonesome misery for eternity.
Thoughts get dark, things get deep, and since I’m alone everyday, it gets even darker.

I hate people.
Stupid, fake, and you can’t trust any of them.
But sadly, I need them for mere distractions.
That’s all they are, temporary distractions.
They never stay, I don’t either.

I’ve learnt to keep my emotional distance.
Staying detached keeps you from getting hurt.
But what I long for, I will never find.

Born to be misunderstood and to die alone I shall....
This misery will be the death of me.
So it be.

It’s beautiful, a feeling of pure darkness and intensity.
It’s freeing, like a raven in a cage waiting to break free.
It’s dangerous, opening yourself up to such a matter of inner conscious.
Losing self control and letting yourself go.
The dead sleeps still, the graveyard whispers pain and sin.
It’s midnight, I’ve been in this beautiful place for so long.
It’s peaceful, like I am one with the dead of night.
I felt something I didn’t feel in a really long time.
I felt like I belonged, like the spirits surrounded me in welcoming peace.
At first I felt a heaviness, a blockage in my throat.
They felt threatened, thinking I was invading their space.
When they realized, I’m one of them, just another lost soul.
Lines and lines and wired times.
Fading into the abyss and getting high.
The spirits communicate with me, I can feel their energies like an instant magnetic pull.
I can feel their pain, their sadness, their hardships, their madness. I can feel it all, and I soak in energies like a sponge, I can’t help it. Intuition kicks in and I can’t even block it.
It’s intense and beautiful, the fog and misty air.
The dark light, and despair.
I FELT EVERYTHING
It was the best experience I’ve ever had in a really long time.
The graveyard in the back of the church, where true love sleeps, souls stay forbidden, sacred, ridden in deep.
A hidden passage way to the unknown and discreet.
I finally found where I belong, for I am a lost soul, buried six feet deep.

I ponder in awareness, deep thinking alert.
My thoughts alive and reached at a higher awareness than before. Every question I asked myself, every intention I grasped from others, I know the answer to.
I can feel it, I always thought I was crazy and I always thought it was all in my head. Then I realized it was just manifestations of physical formalities. I always thought I knew too much, now I realize, I actually don’t know enough. I want to know more. I want to know more because knowledge is power and power is control. If you ask me what I crave the most, it’s control. And the only way I can get control is by learning more and more until I diminish into tiny pieces. I lost a piece a of myself a long time ago, I’ve been alone the past few week since I got kicked out of my old place. I haven’t had many interactions with people and I’ve been alone everyday. I’ve been crying and feeling pain because I feel lonely. Which is not the actual fact, because it’s all just feelings. I’ve cared so much what others think I lost who I really was. So after weeks of isolation, I found who I really am. I lost everyone I loved. And I lost all my friends. People don’t care about me, because caring about me means making time for me and actually being there. People are too wrapped up in their own lives to even try. I always thought I was the burden. I always thought less of myself. For someone who cares so much and loves so deeply, I know I am valuable of more. So the question I ask now, is, WHAT AM I?
Since my human thoughts have manifested answers according to life changes and time for myself. I know I am destined for more. For one to write such amazing poetry an philosophy at the blink of an eye without even thinking about it. It flows out like word ***** and it never stops. For one to be so intense and intuitive it scares the blind ones away. To be so intelligent and mystique, an intuition of pure knowledge and wisdom, I ask, WHAT AM I?
I’ve never felt human, for years. It’s a general thing, everyone is gifted with certain abilities that makes them god-like. A human term “god”. But people block off these abilities because they scared of what the power can do to them. I know what the power can do to me. It’s already killed me inside and I never was scared of it. I died for the pain and I transformed. I rised again and astrology itself isn’t even in its rightful existence to my knowledge. What I know, what I seek to know, is above universal laws. The planets itself. Matter, atoms, molecules, the brain, cells, skin, bones, spirit, soul.... I AM MORE. I ask, what am I? What was I before I was human? How many lives have I lived to have such wisdom. What was I before I was sent to earth to carry my purpose and help people that cannot be helped. My quest was always to find myself, I found her. Now I need to know what I truly am.

Control, wrap you around my little finger.
Have you doing things that are of immoral and uncanny nature.
Have you running around in circles.
Questioning my next move.
Jealousy makes you ugly, but jealous because you cannot have me, I must be flattered.
The devil in disguise, Sukkubus is her name.
Dance with me in sin and ravish my deep desires.
I control you, I have dominance over you.
My little peasant trying so hard to please me.
How cute.
Ego is filling up.
Feelin myself a bit too much.
But these sinful feelings make me happy, because I love being in control.
I love how you say nasty things about me because you cannot have me.
I smirk in devilish charm.
My magnitude pulls you in.
Magnetism.
Power.
The only thing that keeps me sane.
The master of puppets is at it again.

Lines and lines, druggy times.
Bleeding nostrils and racing thoughts.
Fast heart beats and feeling distraught.
Alert and awake, thoughts are chasing me in a maze.
I've lost it, I'm back on the powder.

They call me Kat, because my spirit animal is one of a cat like creature, and my drug of choice.
Fierce, sneaky, stealthy, and mischievous.
Kat is my name, one of many different personalities.
Freaky is her demeanor.

Wired and full of energy, mind is coming down, muscle spasms are happening.
I need to sleep, 2 in the morning and I'm writing forbidden thoughts.
Dreams that are nightmares that aren't stopping, I have no hold.

Will it ever stop?
Control before it becomes an addiction.
Hold, or the demons will rain, toxic tears to my waking existence.

I woke up, in hospital, the visions and dreams I had were scary.
Some were real, some were not.
I thought the dream of actually being in hospital was a nightmare.
Then I realized, the suicide attempt didn't work.
I vomited everything out, but some of it is still in my system, making me very drowsy, this isn't a poem, it's a confession.
I attempted to **** myself, but it wasn't the right time.
I have faint memories of what happened.
Most of them were scary as I was drugged on the medication, seeing delusions that weren't real.
I won't do it again, I learnt my lesson.
My mom brought me home, to keep an eye on me and give me direction, I'm doing well, yet, still very drowsy and nauseous.
She flew all the way down to see me in hospital, I was in ICU for 3 days.
I almost died, if I closed my eyes before the ambulance came, I would've.
That was the point, but, it was all an illusion.
Never overdose on your prescribed bipolar meds.
Never overdose on anything.
...
Never attempt suicide

When people find out they have a certain amount of time left to live, it breaks them.
When a loved one passes away, regrets start pouring.
Unspoken words filtrate and reminiscing of memories elaborate.

****** up, ain't it.

If I had a certain amount of time left to live, I would use it wisely.
I would be happy, because life to me is pointless, I'm not suicidal, or maybe I am.
But I would rather die.
If I had cancer, I would suffer in happiness, hoping not to get better.
Honest thoughts, I WANT TO DIE.

Easiest suicide method, a gun to the head.
May take a few minutes to bleed out and die afterwards, but where to get a gun with such little cash.

Life is an ongoing cycle of pain, loss, betrayal, and abuse.
I AM SICK OF IT

Physically, mentally, and spiritually drained.
Emotionally abused and always taken advantage of by toxic people.
I need help, but I don't want it, because when I'm happy, it starts again.

**** ME

The pain and hurt and loneliness I feel inside is not worth it anymore.
I cannot do this anymore

POINTLESS

No motivation, no will, I have nothing left to live and be grateful for.
My sacrifices mean nothing and I am just a worthless burden to all.

It shouldn't hurt this much to be your angel.
It shouldn't bleed this much to be your guide.
It shouldn't pain this much to love you.
It shouldn't scar this much to be by your side.

I'm torn between obsession and hate, for the mess that we made.
But, they come, they go, so replaceable.
I can only have you in my dreams, it seems.
Because reality strikes and you leave me in pieces, ripped apart, wounded, my wings, fallen off, I am burning in loathe.

Choose one:

- A vampire needing blood, because they lose their power. So, they
  **** people and torture humans in order to get it.
- A fallen angel needing love, because it loses power. So, it manipulates, charms, and leads people into falling in love with them so can steal their heart.

ALL FOR THEIR OWN GAIN

                   Power

The glass on the stone, the peace in her eyes.
The emotion of her soul, and the serenity in her mind.
The way she speaks, of utter conscience.
The way she perceives, of deep imagination.
Holds her words in, and grasps morality.
Holds her tongue, and justifies her thoughts.
An angel, a goddess, of silky wavy locks and intelligence.
She speaks of wisdom, philosophy, greatness.
...
She speaks revolution.

****** over it all.
Don't even give a **** anymore.
**** everything.
*******.
**** it.
Bored, depressed, hopeless, toxic.
Empty, numb, cold, alone.
**** Astrology, **** Spirituality, **** Love, and **** him.
Everything I loved, is long gone.
I don't give a **** anymore.
I feel stupid, worthless, shameful, sad.
No motivation, no will, no energy, no self love.
Just loathe, feelings of helplessness, drained, exhausted.

Take a sip, take a hit, take a drag, take a sniff.
Mix it up, lose yourself in your sins.
Take this lust potion baby, move that slow motion.
Just take another sip, lean, trip.
******* to the floor, playing with my hair, fingers like a web.
Just listen, red eyes in a room full of lies.
I know you bite, I need it, take a sip and feel free.
Just take another sip, and we'l lean.
Oooooh baby, stick down to the ground, I need you on the floor. knees to the ground.
I know you feelin, the same way that I feel and I know this is for real.
He says hes feelin, that feelin, that we're feelin, and he want it bad.
Just take another sip, and we'l lean.
Mushrooms got us trippin, got you rollin on the floor, laughing, passed out, then I **** you.
Papi like it good.
Call me baby while I give it like I should.
Put a spell on you, a lust potion.
Take it, sip it, eat it, **** it.
How did I get like this?
Voodoo lust.
You think this lust we have is normal?
It's passionate, hard, ******, intense, sinful, unapologetic, desirable, sensual.
Pull my neck from the back and choke me harder daddy.
...
It's my voodoo magic baby.

Mixin' up these potions, entering the snake bite into my veins.
Playing you like a puppet as I unleash the venom.
Tell me how it tastes...
Lick it, **** it.
Voodoo dolls playing games at your feet and controlling you like you have nothing to hold onto.
I'll have you, and own you.
I'll be your worst nightmare.
Feel my pain, tormenting you.
Infect you, I'll kiss you, I'll **** you.
Consume me, consume me, consume me.
Bite my venom into you neck as you howl in pain.
Like a frost bite, ice cold as the teeth sinks in.
Worship me, your dark goddess.
Voodoo.
Pinching needles through your chest and laughing at your cries.
Aching, the pain throbs.
The pain you made me feel, back onto you.
She cheated you, the next one died.
Who's doing was that?
Karma?
Step on the glass, staple your tongue.
Cries become mere whispers malevolent to your despair.
Eating cotton candy as your heart begins to tear.
Apart.
I wanna, end you.
Why arn't you scared of me?

<You're not *****, you're hungry
and the flesh you taste is not the one you choose

It's a darkness and a light
A salve and an open wound
Bodies mix and twist

You don't want to be ******
You want to be satiated

And if your sheets could talk, darling
They tell of the loneliest *******

Paint yourself blue and bleed out
Sensual sins succulent like honey
Licked lips waiting for more

Darling there's never enough

>If sheets could talk, they would whisper sins.
Your voice of calm magnetic enigma, yet, your body screams for more.
You pull me, twist me, wrap around me, riding me.

Lonliest ******* of a saint waiting to be loved.
Instead, ******* the wrong, and bleeding with pain.

Love me, she says. Hurt me, she says. choke me.
Sensual, and so seductive. You pull me in.
Daddy... She screams

There's never enough, she just wants more, she pleads with a hungry heart, because he can't love her like she wants him to, so sin, succulent like honey, is what she needs to choose.

Too much synchronicity...
I feel you.
Your touch, your taste, your kiss, your skin.
Knocking me is the way to go, just put our lips together, and blow.
Baby, just breathe on me.
Blow on my soft flesh and kiss.
Lubriciously, lusciously, lustfully.
Breathe on my taste, my touch, my sin.
We don't even need to be physical, tonight, my senses don't make sense at all.
Our imaginations...
Take it in, let it out...
Baby, just breath on me.
Seductively, sensually, sexually.
We don't even need to touch, just breathe.
Baby.... **** yeah.
(Moans)
Feel my sin as it's desire that I unleash.
Magnitude, corresponding with your aching thought of impure lustful intention.
Intention, feel me grasp onto your every nerve with my non-physical touch.
Caress me, hold me, baby, don't even **** me, just breathe onto my neck, my shoulder, my breast, my stomach, my *****, my thigh, my legs, my ***.
Can you feel it?
As I mind *******, it's that tingling sensation I release.
Aaaaaaah, baby, stop, and just breathe.

"I got something to tell you, but don't know how I'ma say it
I guess that I could only say one thing
Boy, I been bad again, Boy, I been bad again
And I use 'em
When I'm faded I forget
Forget what you mean to me
Hope you know what you mean to me
Pick, up your phone
The party's finished and I want you to know
I'm all alone..."
...
I been using them to distract me.
I been using them for fun.
But, the parties finished, and I want you to know, I'm all alone, and I always want you when I'm coming down.

Addicted, to fun like it's a drug.
I take what I like and I like what I take.
But, I always just want you, when I'm coming down.
Baby, don't leave me.
Don't be angry, they not important.
You are.
I need you, not them.
They just toys, but you something special.
I am rather secretive and discreet about my intentions and motives, I don't tell, I don't whisper a word.
I do this sin, without anybody knowing.
No one, but me knows.
I just, always want you, when I'm coming down, daddy.