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Kenji 3d
My life is private, my secrets drenching in hopeless fear.
I express out loud, longing for admiration.
Yet, I hold everything in, saying nothing, no word my tongue could ever expose.
Fake friends, liars, backstabbers...
They only miss me once I’m gone.
I left, secretly disappeared without a knowledge to anyone.

But once they know I’m gone, is when they start to miss me.
I’ve moved on, left the city and started new in a different one.
I left like the wind with a cold dryness in the air.
Unspeakable, they only coming back cuz they know I’m not around.

Incomplete, I’ve learnt to never trust anyone ever again.
Deep thoughts hit and I know what’s going to happen before it does.
Caused by experience, pain, loss, and abuse.
I avoid it all, and seclude myself in my mysterious fantasies that will never come to my reality.
I live life in despair, knowing that I’m the curse, the darkness itself.
I’m the person who’s devil you speak the name of.
I’m your nightmares in your lost daydreams.

Too much intensity, I may be trouble.
But my deceiving nature has you thinking otherwise... doesn’t it?

Maybe it’s just thoughts of people talking about me constantly, even though it’s not real.
Nothing is.
My illusion is my nightmare and my delusions is my reality.
Im never going back.
They probably never going to see me ever again, but I guess it’s satisfying to make them think otherwise.
To make them think that I still love them and we probably still friends.
But when I was around, where were they without my effort?

Without my effort, everything is at loss.
I prefer to label these people as my aquaintances.
Calling them my friends is just a facade to cover up my intense loneliness caused by my experienced deep ridden trust issues.

I have no friends.
I like it that way.
I stay detached cuz people are worthless to me.
I like being alone, it’s my new cure.
With my seclusion, I am nothing more to be.

If I call you my friend, please don’t get confused when I ghost you and never actually talk to you, but I end up coming back few months later saying how much I miss you and love you.

Don’t we all do that?
This darkness of truth and lies all hidden inside of us.

Disappearance, keep your distance.
My Gemini and Scorpio placements playing games in my mind
Kenji 5d
There I go again, hands to my face, sinking deep, way bottom where ocean-less ties rip you apart.
Lost all meaning, to life, to live.
To love is now madness and hate is my deceit.
I stay pitiful in my thoughtless mind, where my black dreams, leak.
Pour into nothingness.
The emptiness cascades and to the void I become.

They say, look into the mirror, tell yourself good things and be positive.
I stare into my empty soulless eyes...
I see death.
I see darkness.
I see hollow shadows carving my skin.
Under my eyes, is exhaustion.
Faintly fatigue.
Pits of gory sadness staying attached to me.

The depression I live in, the depression I’ve lived in my whole life, it became who I am.
Being unwanted, used, unloved, abused, tormented, rejected, hurt, broken, useless, thrown away, kicked out, misunderstood, defeatless, weak...
IS THE PAIN OF WHO I AM NOW.

I try drowning myself, it feels too difficult, I lift my head out of the water gasping for air.
The medication, the overdoses, all ended up having me in hospital, still alive, unfortunately.

As I was born to die, why do I exist?
I am nothing.
I am empty.
I am dark.
I am useless.
I am alone.

I don’t trust people.
I don’t even trust myself anymore.

To live through hurt and getting broken by someone else is not something I can go through anymore.
I’ve made that choice, to live my whole empty shallow life as a lost loner.

Since everyone leaves, the only person I have is myself, no matter how much I hate her.
She’s a monster, the ****** devil.
I hate her.

When I look into my eyes, I see nothing.
Kenji Aug 1
Why was I made to exist? To merely experience life through sorrowful eyes.

I drown so deep, I question all my feelings and try to make excuses as to why I feel a certain way.
Certain ways I don’t even understand.
If I was made to bring a revolution and change perception, then why should I **** myself just by doing so?
So empty and hollow, the wall has enclosed.
If I was born to be misunderstood, why is it so easy for me to understand and accept everyone else, even those who discredit me.

The voices in my twisted mind. Who are they? Are they real? Is it my intuition? Or is it intuition turned into nerve aching anxiety.
Writhing inside of me, eating every part of my disillusioned sanity.
If I seize to exist to help those who put me down and call me crazy, then why is it worth it?

If I could hang myself right now tight around the neck where I might snap my spine... why would it matter?
I’ve accepted being alone, being lonely is now contentment. Peace.
Drained by others negativity, pulling me down like strings by their problems.
If I was meant to show my true form, why is it that I live in different facades.
Questioning who I am every single ****** day.

I hear people constantly talk about me, in my mind.
Is it intuition? Or mere delusion.

I’m dead. Empty. My purpose in life is to physically die so I can finally go back to where I came from. Other dimensions where I truly belong.

Disentanglement, I lose myself in fear.
Kenji Jun 26
I have nothing left to say...
My words have been unwritten.

Depression consumes me to the last bits of my insanity.
I live pretentiously like it doesn’t bother me, like it doesn’t hurt, or mean anything.
I live in pain, everyday.

It’s become apart of who I am, of who I am meant to be. Like living without this pain, would be worthless.
I let it consume me, control me.

My anxiety rushes through my veins and the voices and conversation won’t stop.
My mind never stops.
And when I’m alone, which is constantly, the thoughts eat me up alive like a rotting corpse is writhing inside of me.

I’ve learnt to get used to it, living with such intense feelings and a consumable mind never gets better, it only gets worse.
I’ve let the pain become me.
The person I hide.
It’s the only love I let myself embrace.
Pure madness.

I was born to be alone, living in lonesome misery for eternity.
Thoughts get dark, things get deep, and since I’m alone everyday, it gets even darker.

I hate people.
Stupid, fake, and you can’t trust any of them.
But sadly, I need them for mere distractions.
That’s all they are, temporary distractions.
They never stay, I don’t either.

I’ve learnt to keep my emotional distance.
Staying detached keeps you from getting hurt.
But what I long for, I will never find.

Born to be misunderstood and to die alone I shall....
This misery will be the death of me.
So it be.
Kenji Jun 2
I see you, in my waking thought, in my scribbles of jumbled puzzles, in my fantasy, realms I cannot escape.
I see you, hoping I will actually hear from you again.
Our message was cut short, I decided to delete you and never contact you again, because of reasons that I cannot state.
Trust issues and bad intentions, knowing you want different things, things I no longer have time or energy for.

I only met you once, the *** was amazing.
Passionate and hot, steamy and sensual.
It’s misery that I only foresee because I can’t seem to get you out.

I want you out, I feel deep emotions towards you and I kinda feel that you don’t feel the same.
I feel a strong pull, a magnetic connection towards you.
But it pains me to know that when I fall, which is rare, but when I do, I kinda think it means something since I hardly ever do.

But they don’t want my love, they just want my potential. They don’t see me for me, they see me for my body.
It hurts to know, that I am this pure person of tender liquid gold drowning in my sorrows every night, hoping that it will get better, but it doesn’t.

So I doubt, anything good that can happen cuz love only brings me pain. Pain that I no longer have any energy for.
I have nothing left to give, since every inch of me was taken and used.

My soul is empty, but I see you.
Only you.

I can’t say I love you, but maybe I do.
Overthinking and over analyzing, driving me insane.
But I can’t seem to forget you...
WHY?
I hope you see this... but I kinda hope you don’t.
Sorrow and doubt and empty misery.

This poem places a strong emphasis on my Moon being in Pisces. My inner emotions and feelings that I personally have to deal with everyday. It’s no ones **** business to know how I feel and what I go through, I don’t want your pity... I just needed to express myself.
Kenji May 25
It’s beautiful, a feeling of pure darkness and intensity.
It’s freeing, like a raven in a cage waiting to break free.
It’s dangerous, opening yourself up to such a matter of inner conscious.
Losing self control and letting yourself go.
The dead sleeps still, the graveyard whispers pain and sin.
It’s midnight, I’ve been in this beautiful place for so long.
It’s peaceful, like I am one with the dead of night.
I felt something I didn’t feel in a really long time.
I felt like I belonged, like the spirits surrounded me in welcoming peace.
At first I felt a heaviness, a blockage in my throat.
They felt threatened, thinking I was invading their space.
When they realized, I’m one of them, just another lost soul.
Lines and lines and wired times.
Fading into the abyss and getting high.
The spirits communicate with me, I can feel their energies like an instant magnetic pull.
I can feel their pain, their sadness, their hardships, their madness. I can feel it all, and I soak in energies like a sponge, I can’t help it. Intuition kicks in and I can’t even block it.
It’s intense and beautiful, the fog and misty air.
The dark light, and despair.
I FELT EVERYTHING
It was the best experience I’ve ever had in a really long time.
The graveyard in the back of the church, where true love sleeps, souls stay forbidden, sacred, ridden in deep.
A hidden passage way to the unknown and discreet.
I finally found where I belong, for I am a lost soul, buried six feet deep.
There is a church a few houses down mine in the area. I was also scared to enter, until I found a little graveyard in the back. The energy was intense and beautiful. I felt myself be known and understood in that atmosphere. It was peaceful, knowing the spirits were all blessed and accepted me into their sacred space.

My Scorpionic energy at its highest. My alter ego coming out to play.
Kenji Feb 23
I ponder in awareness, deep thinking alert.
My thoughts alive and reached at a higher awareness than before. Every question I asked myself, every intention I grasped from others, I know the answer to.
I can feel it, I always thought I was crazy and I always thought it was all in my head. Then I realized it was just manifestations of physical formalities. I always thought I knew too much, now I realize, I actually don’t know enough. I want to know more. I want to know more because knowledge is power and power is control. If you ask me what I crave the most, it’s control. And the only way I can get control is by learning more and more until I diminish into tiny pieces. I lost a piece a of myself a long time ago, I’ve been alone the past few week since I got kicked out of my old place. I haven’t had many interactions with people and I’ve been alone everyday. I’ve been crying and feeling pain because I feel lonely. Which is not the actual fact, because it’s all just feelings. I’ve cared so much what others think I lost who I really was. So after weeks of isolation, I found who I really am. I lost everyone I loved. And I lost all my friends. People don’t care about me, because caring about me means making time for me and actually being there. People are too wrapped up in their own lives to even try. I always thought I was the burden. I always thought less of myself. For someone who cares so much and loves so deeply, I know I am valuable of more. So the question I ask now, is, WHAT AM I?
Since my human thoughts have manifested answers according to life changes and time for myself. I know I am destined for more. For one to write such amazing poetry an philosophy at the blink of an eye without even thinking about it. It flows out like word ***** and it never stops. For one to be so intense and intuitive it scares the blind ones away. To be so intelligent and mystique, an intuition of pure knowledge and wisdom, I ask, WHAT AM I?
I’ve never felt human, for years. It’s a general thing, everyone is gifted with certain abilities that makes them god-like. A human term “god”. But people block off these abilities because they scared of what the power can do to them. I know what the power can do to me. It’s already killed me inside and I never was scared of it. I died for the pain and I transformed. I rised again and astrology itself isn’t even in its rightful existence to my knowledge. What I know, what I seek to know, is above universal laws. The planets itself. Matter, atoms, molecules, the brain, cells, skin, bones, spirit, soul.... I AM MORE. I ask, what am I? What was I before I was human? How many lives have I lived to have such wisdom. What was I before I was sent to earth to carry my purpose and help people that cannot be helped. My quest was always to find myself, I found her. Now I need to know what I truly am.
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