I wish I could tell you that after we texted last night, I cried for the fear that I might lose you.
I wish I could tell you that I still think about you all the time. And I often hope that you could be more in my life.
I wish I could tell you that I dreamt about you last night.
We made love like we did the first time; On the floor of your bedroom because your plushie collection took up the space on your bed... I didn't mind. I could smell you in my sleep and it made me so happy.
I wish I could tell you that I love you too... And more than just a friend.
I wish I could tell you that I want to kiss you...
That I want to hold you...
That I want to love you like you deserve to be kissed, held, and loved.
I wish I could tell you that I wrote this about you.
But I can't.
Because it might **** you.

I wish I had said
"I love you"
Before it was too late
And your heart had moved on like a love lost in time...
I wish I had said
How I felt when you kissed HIM.
And how I wasn't only "excited" for your happiness...
I wish I had said
How your words made the weight on my heart
Disappear.
Into the dark depths of my love for you
With what woe I had experienced.
I wish I had said
Everything I wanted to
Instead of being afraid of your reaction.
I wish I had asked you
How you were feeling
Instead of growing apart from you
And running from my own feelings.
I wish I had said...
"I'm sorry."

Bad nightmares
Evil clowns
The worst fear of all
Is looking down.

They all see what she wants them to see. They can’t see the darkness inside. They can’t see the wounds that she gave herself. Wounds that she always hides. She fixes dinner, prays for release, and rolls over when it’s over cause she’s just another broken housewife.
She’s defective straight out of the box. She gets her happiness from a bottle. Just another pill down the shoot, then another, then another. She tucks the kids in, and does her very best to hold it all together for them. But she’s unraveling at the seams. She wants nothing more than to please cause she’s just another broken housewife.
No one can see her tears. No one can hear her screams. No one is there to care for her wounds. The black and blue patches that litter her skin. She’s good at hiding everything. She’s so good at holding everything in cause she’s just another broken housewife.

Just let me melt into the floor.
Leaving no remnants
of my life on the hard wood.

Stare into me as I evaporate into the sky.
And run through my shadow
as though I were never there.

This love is pungent.
Draining my heart of the light that used to live there.

My shell has broken,
And my insides have seeped out through the scattered fragments.

I've nothing left to do but
Disappear forever.
So wave goodbye as you watch me drip through the floorboards
And disappear into the sky.

She smelled like baby powder and men's cologne.  
She gave me goosebumps with her every touch.
She was as soft as silk, but she liked it rough.
She was a conquest.

Our legs intertwined - feeling every speck of flesh between us.
Hearts working overtime to keep up with our rhythmic movements.
Breathing in deep with each kiss, stealing oxygen.
She was a dream.

She bit my lip and pulled my hair.
My nails dug into her skin and my teeth into her neck.
Sin washed over us as I cried out for more.
She was a goddess.

We lay in the stillness of dark - exhaustion settling in.
Feeling her wetness against my thigh.
Tasting her on my tongue.
She was amazing.

Why do I matter? Why should I stay?
Because where you leave your pain and suffering, many people who are still here will pick it up... Yes, you may feel like no one cares or they wouldn’t notice if you left, but you are wrong. You're worth much more than you realize. Every persons life is important and meaningful because of how we are all connected. Look around... how many people are in your world? How many people have you come in contact with? Even if they never met you in person, even if they've never said a word to you; your death would affect their life.
One of my brother’s best friends died when we were in high school. Geoff was never a huge part in my life, but he was in my world. He was always over my house because my brother and his were best friends and they were swim/water polo teammates.  His death was caused by meningitis, not suicide, but even so, it impacted so many people and took everyone by surprise. When they announced his name over the loud speaker that day at school, I felt a part of my heart break... Because I knew that right then, his parents, sister and his older brother were in so much pain... Because I knew all of his friends, my brother included, were crying, mourning and thinking of all of the times they had had with him. Even to this day, almost 10 years later, people still post things about him on Facebook. Every year on his birthday, I see people sharing photos and memories. I see his brothers posts on the anniversary of his death and my heart breaks over and over. I watched his brother collapse and scream — crying over the loss of his brother. I'll never forget that sound. I can never forget that image. His parents had a complete mental break down. His mom was actually institutionalized afterwards because she was a danger to herself. His father became an alcoholic very soon after Geoffs death. No one could comprehend what life was going to be like without Geoff. Even people like me, someone who only knew him in passing, were affected by his death. You may think that you are worthless, that no one will miss you, that this pain will never end, but you aren’t, they will, and it will. Trust me love. I’ve gone through 27 years of fighting mental illness, loss, and suicide attempts. I know exactly what you’re going through, but committing suicide would destroy a lot of people. This is a part of the reason I hold on. So, Please don't give up. It gets better.

Why’d you go and do that to me?
You know what “we” meant to me.
Why’d you go on and **** her?
You said you didn’t even love her.
Why’d you go and break my heart?
Because of you, I fell apart.
Now I’m searching far and wide,
For happiness I’ll never find.

You said you loved me, loved me, loved me.
You said you loved me, loved me, loved me.
You said you wouldn’t hurt me again,
But if that were true, we’d still be friends.
You said you loved me, loved me, loved me.
You said you loved me, loved me, loved me.
You said you wouldn’t tell me lies,
But you still looked me in the eyes
and said you loved me.

What made her so special?
Why was she so ******* special?
Why’d you have to break my heart?
I was putting back the pieces when you ripped them apart.
Now because of you, my bed is tainted.
You should have said no. You should have waited.
Now I’m searching far and wide,
For a love I’ll never find.

You said you loved me, loved me, loved me.
You said you loved me, loved me, loved me.
You said you wouldn’t hurt me again,
But if that were true, we’d still be friends.
You said you loved me, loved me, loved me.
Now you don’t love me, love me, love me.
You went and stole my heart,
Now you’re tearing it apart.
You said you loved me, loved me, loved me.
Now you don’t love me, love me, love me.
And as you turn to leave, I’ll still beg and plea,
For you to love me.

Everything they say,
Everything they do,
Everything they spout,
is a lie.

I know because the voices in my head told me so.

You think you're the only one who's lying?
The only one who's pretending to smile?
The only one who's dying?
The only one who walks into a room & feels so alone?
The only one who's heartache kills them,
And they deal with it on their own?
I remember every kiss,
Every touch,
The forbiddenness,
Of every moment that we spent,
Memorizing each other's skin.
And now you look right through me,
And I smile the same old smile,
While you go on with your life
Destroying yourself inside
And I'm standing here waiting for you to realize,
Slowly killing the burning fire in my eyes.
I waited too long,
And now you don't care...
Best friends, yea, ok...
I'll pretend it's enough.
Try to make it through the day.
You're not the only one who's lying,
The only one who's pretending to smile,
The only one who's dying.
Look at me.
Just really look.

I can't live like this. Everything is fake.
My life is a blur and I don't know how much more I can take. If you want, you can take what you want to, salvage this heart, and drive a spike into the X. You created an X where you killed me.
I can't live like this. The eyeliners gone and my tears can't be seen. The mask of black mascara and lines on my body from long time mistakes remain.
I can't live like this. The words that come out aren't supposed to and they're turned into screams.
I want this all to be a dream, and if you can, I ask you one thing - SAVE ME! WAKE ME! TELL ME IT WILL BE ALRIGHT!.. I'm going home soon. Suicide will be my ride. A blade at my side or an empty bottle. STOP THE PAIN! "Can you make it go away!?!?" "Can you mend a broken heart? Can you mend a shattered soul and revive me from death all at once?!!!???"
Save me from the dark, cause I can't live like this.

Try and see through me, save me from myself. Try to live like this. Lie through your breath! Try not to **** YOURSELF when you think of it!! TRY NOT TO BLEED AS A CRY OF RELEASE! When a razor blade is glued to your hand... Try not to starve as you lose pounds off your body, and try not to cry as you're doing all of this!!!!!!
This is my life and no one can do it alone. You need to see how torn from the bone, skin can look. How scars can form, and how you can hook a *** appeal when you're "innocent" and UGLY!? ***** about how much it hurts and complain to a mom that's not there and try to live like me and be alive at the same time: you think you can LIVE LIKE THIS?!?!?

May from the ashes, he will rise,
May he breathe the air of life,
Wake from your eternal slumber,
Sacred one from the dead,
He will walk among the living,
And see out of his dust-filled eyes,
Smell the beauty of his wife,
And forever live again with her,
He will cry and feel the pain,
With from the flames he has come,
And Hell's gates will close behind him,
As for his friend, and for his enemy,
*In Pace Resquiscat

"Dance for me my puppet."
And so I danced for her.
"Bind yourself to me my dear"
And so I bound myself to her.
"Listen to me and no one else."
And so I listened to only her.
"Starve yourself for me my precious."
And so killed myself for her.

He used to care for my wounds like each one was too fragile to touch.
Now he just looks at each scar in disgust.
His eyes once soft for my pain, have come to grow cold.
It’s as if to him, my suffering has grown old.
He used to lay with me each morning and trace his fingers on my skin.
Now patience has become sin.
He would always use his words to ease my darkened thoughts.
But now when I’m lost, he just shuts himself off.
My anxiety and depression used to be met with understanding and love.
But after 8 years, I guess he’s done all that he could of...
The day he asked for my hand was one of the happiest days of my life.
Now each day is met with strife.
Each thing I use to say to him would be listened to with care.
Now it’s like I’m not even there.
We used to communicate without a problem or fight.
But now every word is said with a bite.
Each cut that I made on my skin would lead to an empathetic kiss.
Now each one adds distance.
His heart was so pure but now it’s so hard to access.
Where did my love go that I used to know best?
And will it be like this for the rest?

With all the mistakes that I've made,
This is the one I'm sorry for most,
It's carried with me, the pain I feel,
Haunting me like a ghost.
Every time I hear your voice, you can still say,
That you love me, and you think of me every single day.
But the pain, it won't die down,
The band aids are not enough,
I'm just about sick of myself,
Just about given up.
Because every time I hear your voice,
I still want to say,
That I love you too and I think of you every single day.
But then I remember our tragic end,
And how I asked you to be my friend,
And how then I watched you cry,
And even almost saw you die...
But now I want to hold you close,
Kiss your lips and love you most...
But the things I did,
The things we said,
The nights I cried beside my bed,
Would never compare to the pain I caused,
The many lives that I have crossed.
It's much too late to turn back now,
Even if I could, I wouldn't know how.
I'm not so sure, on what to do,
But I'll never give up - give up on you.

But with all the mistakes that I've made,
This is the one that I regret,
This is the one I'll NEVER forget.
The simple truth of first TRUE love,
Is that well never forget each other's hug,
Each other's kiss, each other's touch,
The way we loved each other so much...
And still do.
The way I dream of still spending
The rest of my life with you.
The nights I still cry,
The days were I lie,
to the one I gave you up for.
But with everything I've done,
To you, my love,
I'm so so sorry.

Because with all of the mistakes that I've made,
This is the one I'm sorry for most:

Saying goodbye.

She saw it all go crashing down
On top or her small dream life
The acid of her mistakes
All of the dreams and heart ache
The tears and blood
Of sacrificed life
The skin was not meant to love the pain
Anguish and feel of a knife.

She honestly wanted to tell it all
The rise, the descent, and finally the fall.
Of all of them she wanted,
She couldn't compose the rite
Only to go deeper into the silent life.
Her eyes filled with tears.
Her mouth wide - was sewn shut
With the needle of lies she called - but no help.
They saw the pain, but no one saw the feel,
Of the peel of a heart.

Try to help as she might
It only came down on her small dream life...
Her eyes filled with lies,
Her heart consuming the pain whole,
Her mouth sewn shut.
She tried to call but was afraid
That she might rip the string.

My ****** cross falls with speed, neck to blade, death to me. "Thou shall not take your name and use it in vain!" Now the final test becomes apart of my name, inside of my vein, and you can use this to your POWER, under your knife, "END THE PAIN"... It's just a game in your world, in my misery, pain, anguish, and DEATH, "One short breath". One more lie to lie to, to end the pain to, to stop the game to, to end the anguish in your world, with my vein and my game, with my knife, to end my life.

I can feel it.
Just under the surface, it's there.
That hard prominent perfection.
Under my fingertips that trace my imperfections.
They are there.
Beautiful and white.
Just pull my skin tight and you can feel them too.

I need to scream.
I need to inhale and
then exhale
loudly
forcefully
and audibly,
But this requires that I
first
know how to breathe.
I need to breathe.
But Can’t.
That requires me to
shut out the noise in
my mind
And focus on
Inhaling
And then exhaling.
Again and again.
But this task is
impossible
For someone who’s mind
Is ON
ALL OF
THE TIME.
So
How does one shut out
the noise
when all you can do is
listen
and hear
what no one else can?
I need to scream.
I need to bleed,
And ****,
And fight.
But all I can do
Is sit here
And Need.

I was only four when it happened.
Late at night, when I was alone.
You preyed on my innocence and my weakness,
How could I know that it was wrong?
The things you did so horrible to me,
My soul and body were barred.
What you did to that little girl,
Left me feeling alone and scared...
You said it was to show your love,
By taking my body for your use.
But now I know what happened to me,
It wasn't Love, it was ABUSE!
All the ***** things you did to me,
Won't wash away with rain,
Nothing on earth will rid my heart
of this never ending pain...
I hope that you hurt as much as I do,
Or do you even remember what you did?!?
Nothing will make up for the pain you caused,
When I was just a kid...
The physical scars on my body,
Have since healed with time,
But my pain still shows on the outside,
Whenever the the child inside me finally starts to cry...
That little 4 year old girl,
Had to grow up way too soon,
And ALL of the hurt and pain you have caused,
Will forever be remembered every time I look at the moon.

I pull it inside.
It cools me as it flows downward.
It's black, sticky hands wrap around my lungs.
A cool shiver trickles down my spine.
My muscles unclench from the daily beating.
My blood calms down.
I have escaped the calls of the blade for now.
For now, the smoke flies away with me.

"Funny, I don't remember no good dope days. I remember walking for miles in a dope fiend haze. I remember sleeping in houses that had no electric. I remember being called a ******, but I couldn't accept it. I remember hanging out in abandos that were empty and dark. I remember shooting up in the bathroom and falling out at the park. I remember nodding out in front of my sisters kid. I remember not remembering half of the things that I did. I remember the dope man's time frame, just ten more minutes. I remember those days being so sick that I just wanted to end it. I remember the birthdays and holiday celebrations. All the things I missed during my incarceration. I remember overdosing on my bedroom floor. I remember my sisters cry and my dad having to break down the door. I remember the look on his face when I opened my eyes, thinking today was the day that his baby had died. I remember blaming myself when my mom decided to leave. I remember the guilt I felt in my chest making it hard to breathe. I remember caring so much but not knowing how to show it. and I know to this day that she probably don't even know it. I remember feeling like I lost all hope. I remember giving up my body for the next bag of dope. I remember only causing pain, destruction and harm. I remember the track marks the needles left on my arm. I remember watching the slow break up of my home. I remember thinking my family would be better off if I just left them alone. I remember looking in the mirror at my sickly completion. I remember not recognizing myself in my own **** reflection. I remember constantly obsessing over my next score but what I remember most is getting down on my knees and asking God to save me cuz I don't want to do this no more !!!"
- Delaney Farrell

Can you see past the blue of her eyes?
Can you see the pain?
Can you see how her cheeks are swollen and her eyes are empty?
Can you hear the tears choked back in her voice?
Can you see what she does to herself in the night when she's screaming at the bugs under her skin?
Can you remember the horrid things that she's reminded of by the ghosts in the dark?
She's told you once before.
She's shown you that side.
She's bore her soul to you.
You were only distracted by the blue in her eyes.

When my body and soul want to die,
Your glittering image strikes my eye,
Flowers befall me,
The pain melts away,
When my mind says “go!”
My heart wants to stay.
The devil can’t catch me,
I’m safe in your arms,
You won’t let the voices,
Do me much harm.
You kiss away tears,
You hold me so close,
You make me smile
when I’m hurting the most.
So when I call you my angel,
I just want to say,
When the demons surround me,
I say NOT TODAY.

Can you hear her screaming?
Can you hear her questions?
Did you even feel bad?
Did you learn your lesson?

Can you see her?
Can you see her pain?
Can you even see her?
Can you even say her name?

You ask for love,
you ask for her heart,
But she’s not prepared to give that part.
She shares her love with many,
Many have seen her bare her soul.
But you don’t want that,
you just want control.

She asks “Can you hear me screaming now?
Can you hear my plea?
Will you let go of my throat?
Will you ever let go of me?”

She just wants to give up,
End it all — call it quits,
But that will never please you,
She’s entertainment and you have tickets.

Falling from my head
These thoughts that make us worry again
These thoughts that make us wonder again
These thoughts that make us
Falling from my head
This paranoia again
They’re watching us again
They’re always there to
Make me wonder
Am I safe?
Will they catch me?
Will they see?
It always makes me wonder
Can they hear me?
Can they see... Me?
Falling out of time
I dip and try to hide
From the monster I am inside
This monster growing
Makes me wonder,
Am I safe?
Will they catch me?
Will they see?
It always makes me wonder
Can they see?

Do you still look for me in your new girlfriends? Do you still seek my eyes in theirs? Do you still feel my lips when you kiss her and hear my voice when they speak? Did you cut your hair because I loved it so much? Do you still celebrate Tuesday as “*** Night”? Do you still look for me, when you ask them out?

Do you still blame your father for our demise? Do you still think your hands are capable to do as he did? Did you marry her and divorce her because you were afraid of yourself? Do you still talk about our first time? And do you in a negative or a positive light? Are you changing yourself because you think you’ll finally be happy? Or because you won’t look so much like him anymore.... Do you miss me at all?

Do you still feel hate and heartbreak when you hear my name? Do you hear my name when our birthday comes around? Do you take your clothes off because I made you feel *****? Do you still collect lovers and partners like the hundreds of beads you make your jewelry with? Do you still fill your body with healthy choices but unhealthy people?

Do you wish we never happened? Do you miss your bruises because your mother is now dead? Do you hate me for wishing you were free of her when she was still alive? Do you still eat sushi and think of me? Do you still listen to the playlist I made you? Do you still cry that you lost your best friend because of me? Do you wish we had fought our feelings and that you would still be hers? Do you still have the letters that I wrote you? The poems? The drawings? Do you still have that power ranger blanket? Or did you destroy that with the rest of my memories?

Are you happy now?

Quiet is deaf
Pure bliss in nothingness
If not for it's existence
I would be sane
The screams inside
Would fall to ears
Filled with the blood
Of nothing in a room
The sound would have
No meaning
A bird would have
no song
Everything would stop
And all would die
This is pure bliss
For of which I
Wouldn't hear
Quiet would have
no meaning
And cries would fall
On deaf ears.

The cold steel glides over my throbbing flesh.
It yearns for the screams of a thousand nightmares.
It beckons to me from the darkness,
It frees me from my cage.
I answer it's call, holding it my arms like a lover lost long ago.
Reunited in a painful embrace.
This long forgotten feeling, now once again flows over my skin.
Spilling over, worthless rubies fall to the floor.
The flush cools my once screaming veins.
They whisper all together a collective "Thank you" as they fall asleep.
My precious metal friend falls to the ground.
I lay cold, dying, alone;
The screams from within me are now silent with their goal achieved.
Content, they scatter back into the darkness.
My relapse is complete.

Remember me?
I'm the girl you sent away,
Cause you were afraid for your REAL children's safety!?
What happened to "You're our daughter now."?
Did I mean anything? I mean ****?!
And you!
Remember me?
I'm the girl you molested!
After you said I could call you Daddy!
*******
You knew EVERYTHING that happened to me as a kid,
You shoulda known it would **** me up more than I already am!
And you!
Remember me?
I'm the little girl you *****!
While you were beating my mom and me!
You were getting so high, you probably don't even remember me.
But ****! You remembered when your friends came over! So why not?
And you!
I'm the girl you gave birth to!
But you never gave a **** about!
You only cared whether you were sober or not,
Or if your supply was doing ok...
Do you know you have a son too?
Oh yea, you do... But like everything else in your life,
You scared him the **** away too!
So now I have to pay?
I've already given blood!
What more do you ******* want!?
Haven't I given enough???
I mean really,
I'm a big girl now,
And I'm still paying for your mistakes somehow...
But you couldn't care less,
Cause you got what you wanted...
Maybe child support,
Or just some ******* you started.
I Just gotta know,
Did it pay off for you?
You lost so much,
You almost lost me too.
I almost KILLED MYSELF.
BECAUSE OF YOU!
And now I'm going crazy,
I've lost **** too,
For starters, my virginity...
But that wasn't my choice.
But it's all gone now...
And I still don't have a voice.
Second, Blood
**** and lots of it.
I've bled and shed for you,
And you ******* love it.
Third, my mind.
******* thanks a lot.
It disappeared one day
while you were smoking ***.
Do you know what you did to me?
Can't you see?
What the **** is wrong with you?
CAN YOU ******* REMEMBER ME!?

Far away
Wearing the eyes of me
Listening to the mass destruction
Of something that could have been
Should have been
Now watch me die
Even though it can't be right

Now hold the blade
One swift cut
And a velvet obsession
With a sweet seduction
And scarlet temptation

Drinking
Never goes fast
What don't I
What don't I feel.

Into madness, fall from sadness,
Struggle just to be.
Is this illusion just a delusion?
This pain envelopes me.
My mind is tangled, heart is strangled,
My demons follow close.
Help me escape, wrapped in red tape,
You’re the demon that haunts me the most.
Leave my skin red and raw,
The scars, they never fade.
Always bleeding, always seething,
Shadows follow night and day.
The figures watch my every move,
Whispers flood my ears.
“I can’t drown my demons, they know how to swim”,
And they know my darkest fears.
The pills are supposed to heal my soul,
So I choke all of them down.
But the bugs still crawl under my skin,
Yet when I look they can’t be found.
I pull at my hair, checking if there
Is some proof that I am sane,
But ****** fingers always tell me,
The problem is in my brain.

Caged within myself
A murderer awaits
Patiently planning
Patiently waiting
For the right moment
To strike.

It’s all about the way you care,
With no ulterior motives there.
It makes a difference if to try and fix this,
You lay your soul out bare.

You can try, you can try, you can try to cut her down, but she’s not fallin,
You can try, you can try, you can try to pull her down, but she’s not movin,
You can try, you can try, you can try to make her drown, but she’s not drowning,
No she’s not drowning again!
She’s not dying again!

Desperation sound,
Makes her come around.
It means more when you are bleeding.
It makes her feel found.

You can cry, you can beg, you can try to change her mind, but she’s not changin.
You can snoop, you can sneak, you can lie right through your teeth, but she’s not believin.
You can push, you can shove, you can try to force her love, but she’s not loving.
No, she’s not loving you again!
She’s never looking back there again!

Don’t call her sadistic,
That will make her ballistic,
She’s just a willow tree with her roots in the ground.
She’s just animalistic.
So don’t try to change her or tear her down.
Herself, she’s finally found.

I don’t know what to say anymore,
Nothing can make this right.
You want so badly to save us,
But I don’t want to put up a fight.
We’re in a sinking ship here,
But you’ve still got buckets in your hands.
You keep screaming for me to help you,
But I can’t accept your demands.
You’re asking me to choose here:
“It’s either me or her.”
But you’ve played this game before with me,
So I’m taking her offer.

I won’t say goodbye
Even through she was the ice burg
I won’t say goodbye
Even though the last straw was her
I won’t say goodbye
I’m taking back my wings
I won’t say goodbye
And I’m the bird here that sings.

I don’t know what to write anymore.
Can’t pick up my pen and go.
You still beg me for the words,
But these words I’ll never show.
You fret over every word I said,
Like a moment stopped in time.
You scratch, I bleed and look at you,
And you say I crossed a line but,

I won’t say goodbye
Even through she was the ice burg
I won’t say goodbye
Even though the last straw was her
I won’t say goodbye
I’m taking back my wings
I won’t say goodbye
And I’m the bird here that sings.

And then you turn me around again,
And hold me ever close.
All I wanted was to love,
I’m such a lonely ghost.
Save me now I’m drowning,
This ship is going down.
The fires spreading rapidly,
And our bodies won’t be found.

I won’t say goodbye
Even through she was the ice burg
I won’t say goodbye
Even though the last straw was her
I won’t say goodbye
I’m taking back my wings
I won’t say goodbye
And I’m the bird here that sings.

I’m her eyes, I am more than the sum of my parts.
In her eyes, I am more than the dust in the air.
I’m her eyes, I’m strong and my beauty is real, oh
But that’s not the way that I’m supposed to feel so,

SHE STUNS ME! Like a bolt of electricity.
SHE STUNS ME! Like the heat of a fire that I can’t see.
SHE STUNS ME! Now she means everything to me.
She stuns me, she stuns me, she stuns me. Oh,
She stuns me, she stuns me, she stuns me.

In her arms, I melt down to nothin.
In her arms, my soul has come back home.
In her arms, I’m really starting to feel something,
But that’s not how these things usually go so,

SHE STUNS ME! Like a bolt of electricity.
SHE STUNS ME! Like the heat of a fire that I can’t see.
SHE STUNS ME! I’m starting to feel like this ain’t the death of me.
She stuns me, she stuns me, she stuns me. Oh,
She stuns me, she stuns me, she stuns me.

Because of her, my world has flipped on its head.
Because of her, there’s a sweeter smell in my bed.
Because of her, the darkness is turning to light.
Because of her, with my demons I will put up a fight

I will treat my flesh as if it were hers,
Instead of blood, I’ll use ink to write out my words.
I can claw, I can fight, I can heal from these burns!

SHE STUNS ME! She breathes the life right back into me,
SHE STUNS ME! My heart has burst into flames you see,
SHE STUNS ME! Now i can be who I want to be!
She stuns me, she stuns me, she stuns me.
She stuns me, she stuns me, she stuns me.
She stuns me, she stuns me, she stuns me.

Take me back
To the place I was before
Back to the time
When our love was so sure.
Take me back
To who I used to be
Back to the time
To when we were happy.
Take me back
To that beautiful night.
When all I ever wanted
Was for you to hold me tight.
Take me back
Before the sorrow
Take me back
Today or tomorrow.
When ever it is
That you'll take back my heart
Put it together
For I've torn it apart.
Pull me fast
And take me far,
Just please
"Take me back to the stars."

Chew them up and spit them out.
Focus now. Now talk.
Nope — can’t speak the words aloud.
My mouth is filled with caulk.
Visions of words play out in my head
But I can’t get them to play nice.
Instead things have to be left unsaid.
Or I will pay the price.
Can’t risk it. Can’t say it.
It’s wriggling out of control
Can’t chance it. Can’t do it.
Can't say anything at all.

“Chew it up, and spit it out.
Spit it out. Spit it out.
Chew it up, and spit it out.
Spit it out Already!”

Spasms before they leave your lips
You’re ******* the words up
You apologize again for it.
An overflowing cup.
****** distortion. Mental exhaustion
Teeth clamped down tight.
Depression sets in, the fear sinking in
You  try with all your might.
Chewing on yourself again,
Embarrassment creeps in.
It’s not about if it will happen,
The question is “when?”

“Chew it up, and spit it out.
Spit it out. Spit it out.
Chew it up, and spit it out.
Spit it out Already!”

The muscles are darting,
oh no it’s starting,
Your hands begin to shake.
Your tongue slides left,
Your neck bends right.
How much more of this can I take?
You want to run
You want to hide
But there’s nowhere to go.
You can’t run away from it,
Your face you have to show.
You try to stay as still as you can
So no one else can see,
You just want to cut out your tongue
But speech is a necessity.

“Chew it up, and spit it out.
The song must be sung.”
Can’t chew it up, or spit it out
This disorders got my tongue.

I could **** you for what you've done to me...
You tried to take it all away from me.
You drove me insane from the day I was born...
But now I'm about to DIE and you feel sorry for no one... But... You.

YOU *****, WHYD YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT ALL AWAY?
YOU WERE THE CAUSE FOR ALL OF MY PAIN & SUFFERING
But now I'm gone and there's no more "trouble" for your case...
BUT YOU NEVER ******* CARED IN THE FIRST ******* PLACE!!!!

You never really cared about me...
All you cared about was your men and your, ecstasy.
But now your actions are taking hold of me.
So stop pretending... To... Care.

YOU *****, WHYD YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT ALL AWAY?
YOU WERE THE CAUSE FOR ALL OF MY PAIN & SUFFERING
But now I'm gone and there's no more "trouble" for your case...
BUT YOU NEVER ******* CARED IN THE FIRST ******* PLACE!!!!

You never saw it coming...
You never felt MY PAIN!!!
IT WILL ALL BE OVER "TOO SOON"
LOCKED UP INSIDE MY MIND!!!!!
THE CUTS ON MY WRISTS
THE BLACK ON MY EYES
DID IT EVER COME TO YOU AS A SURPRISE?!?!?!

I could **** you for what you've done to me.
You took it all away from me...
You took my brother, my best friend, and now my life,
BUT NOW IM DEAD - IM PAST BEING SICK OF THE FIGHTS...
I just thought - maybe I could have won...
But now - I hope for you - NOTHING.
IM DONE.

YOU *****, WHYD YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT ALL AWAY?
YOU WERE THE CAUSE FOR ALL OF MY PAIN & SUFFERING
But now I'm gone and there's no more "trouble" for your case...
BUT YOU NEVER ******* CARED IN THE FIRST ******* PLACE!!!!
YOU *****, WHYD YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT ALL AWAY?
YOU WERE THE CAUSE FOR ALL OF MY PAIN & SUFFERING
But now I'm gone and there's no more "trouble" for your case...
BUT YOU NEVER ******* CARED IN THE FIRST ******* PLACE!!!!

Looking in a mirror, I stare at a face that I don't know.
Looking around my room:
A hole in the wall
From a knife I almost
Drove inside of myself.
Scratches on my door
Pleas of help and reconciliation.
A bunny on my bed,
Stuffed with fluff... And my blades.
A mirror on the wall,
Almost covered with pictures of people
I HATE.
A bed with gashes
Again from my knife,
A dresser with a note inside
To all the people that find "me".
A blade in every drawer
Just in case I lose one.
Looking down at the pool of blood
Dripping from my hand
Falling to the ground
In an unconscious mess.
Looking in the mirror,
In a jacket tied tight,
Wondering "When will it end?"
Talking to the face I don't know.

Wrapped in my mind once again.
“I’ll never view you as just a friend.”
Could this be something more,
Before you go and close that door?
Because to you it’s just a game,
And it’s driving me insane.
I can’t even seem to breathe.
Maybe it’s best if you leave because...

YOU. LIKE. TO. HURT ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. BURN ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. **** ME
YOU. WILL. NEVER. LOVE ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. HURT ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. BURN ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. **** ME
YOU. WILL. NEVER. LOVE ME

Your arms around my neck once again,
Making my head spin and spin
You never wanted something more,
So you went and slammed that door.
Because to you, I was a conquest.
Of your allure, it was just a ****** up contest
Now your hands are around my throat.
When I’m dead, try not to gloat because...

YOU. LIKE. TO. HURT ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. BURN ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. **** ME
YOU. WILL. NEVER. LOVE ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. HURT ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. BURN ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. **** ME
YOU. WILL. NEVER. LOVE ME

And on and on this torture goes,
When it will stop, nobody knows, yeah
Because to you, I’m just a game.
See, you’ve driven me insane because...

YOU. LIKE. TO. HURT ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. BURN ME
YOU. LIKE. TO. **** ME
YOU. WILL. NEVER. LOVE ME
You. Will. Never. Love me
You. Will. Never. Love me
You. Will. Never. Love me
You. Will. Never. Love me

It calls to me in the wind,
Like a soft, warm whisper,
Beaconing me home.
It wraps its cold hands around my throat,
And I am at it's mercy.
I am free in its chains.
I am powerfully weak.
Like a threaded puppeteer,
I am no longer in control.

PULLING the edges
Until THE blood comes through
The darkened SKIN
Never new TO you
Turn them into permanent FIXtures
Turn THEM into scars
Line your body with a constellation
of crooked moons and stars
RIPPING until it hurts
BECAUSE the PAIN IS the best part
Let THE PROOF run down your face
Prove you have a heart
DIG a little deeper NOW
til your nails turn red
Careful now SWEETHEART,
Any more and YOU'RE DEAD.

I know who you are,
I know what you hide,
I know what you do,
But I can't understand why.
I know the truth,
About the drugs,
I know the names,
of the men you ******.
I know you're back
in rehab too,
And this is why,
I'm done with you.
I know you lie,
You've lied to me.
A thousand times now,
It's plain to see.
You take care of kids,
That aren't even yours.
Yet, you're not a mother,
Behind closed doors.
You're "The ****"
That sleeps around.
"The one" they say
"who's been around town."
The one who cheats,
On the ones she "loves",
The one who's sent many babies,
To our god above.
I know the truth
About that too
Kidney stones?
Yea, caused by who?
These are only
Just a few
Of the things I wish
I could say to you.

The lies eating through my flesh
Burning in my eyes
He can see them
I don't want to hurt.
I don't want to hurt him.
His heart is so fragile
And it lies in my hands
He will never understand
How I can call him my friend
But to me, he's so much more.
Two years with him
He will never see what it meant to me
It means nothing to him
Equal to nothing in his eyes
He's just a boy
And I was just his "play thing".
What happened to forever?
He took it back.
But now I found someone
To promise it again
But I still think back to him
The one that took "forever" away
The very next day
So I turned to him for help
Yet now I lie to him
To hide the questions, tears and days
When I call him and say
How much I've missed him
His face, his voice
And the way he gets distracted so easily.
And how much I still love him.
But then my mind starts to wander
And I go into my distorted daydreams
Back and forth between
The love we made
And the pain it caused...
The pain I caused.
Thinking of his body
Every inch and curve of his beautiful figure.
The way I memorized his face
The shape of his lips...
How soft they are when they touch mine.
The pictures make me shake
And yet I can't look away
Yet the one who loves me so,
Trusts me so fully
But these lies I tell him
They burn through my skin
They show in my eyes
Eating away at the flesh in my heart
I'm choking on my words
I don't want to hurt him
But I don't want to hurt anymore.

Look inside.
Watch me pry my soul out for you.
Walk on by.
Watch me bleed and die for you.

Cause I bet you know this pain.
I bet you know this line.
Call my ******* name.
Yea. I'm ******* fine.
All I want is to feel again,
All I want is to live again,
All I want is to feel again,
All I want is to...
I don't know.
My heads a ******* mess.  
What a show...
This false smile burns my flesh.

Look inside.
See the emptiness between my ribs.
Walk on by.
Go away and see my face behind your lids.  

Cause I bet you know this pain.
I bet you know this line.
Call my ******* name.
Yea. I'm ******* fine.
All I want is to feel again,
All I want is to live again,
All I want is to feel again,
All I want is to...

I want to see you cry these tears.
I want to see you fear these fears.
I want to see you scream in pain,
I want to see you once again.
Blood dripping down your face.
You make it look so ******* easy.
You make us look like a disgrace.
You make us feel so ******* queasy.

All I want is to feel again,
All I want is to live again,
All I want is to feel again,
All I want is to...

Their names leave your lips and your heart starts to beat,
They fill your lungs with life as you speak,
Your heart is home to many loves that you keep,
But you have too big a heart.

Her sweet British accent made your mouth water,
Her flowing blond hair, you would have wished for your daughter,
The ones who hurt her you wanted to slaughter,
But you have to big a heart.

His warm hugs healed your soul and dried all your tears,
You counted his freckles as you both shared your fears,
He had been there for you through all of the years,
But you have too big a heart.

Her smell was addicting and her lips were so soft,
Her light olive complexion sent your heart aloft,
You traced her skin as her laugh would waft,
But you have too big a heart.

Her shy, gentle nature made you want to know more,
She guarded her heart behind a locked door,
But she melted away as you made love on the floor,
But you have too big a heart.

You loved him as her, and you love him as him,
You jumped in this pool, though you knew not how to swim,
Before his love, all of life seemed grim,
But you have too big a heart.

Night by night, you give and give,
Your heart dissolves, and you struggle to live,
You love so many, And love so strong,
Yet you know that this love is wrong.
The guilt, it builds and breaks you down,
In this depression you begin to drown.
Monogamy tears your soul apart,
All because you have too big a heart.