I saw you leaving, I saw the light go out.
Now, My house is haunted by wrong desire,
And on my skin is left the scent of betrayal.

For every one of your depicting lies the truth lay underneath it.
paint me a portrait of how happy we were supposed to be,
An oil paining perhaps of how our forsaken  lives were seen as mellow gold.

A painful affair,
Ghost lover extrordinare,
Our fate was never bound to live forever,
But, with you I would've together.

The stars were up above in your eyes,
Beneath the clouds of an October night,
I saw you on the side walk bleeding,
Sickened by the thought of leaving.

From that dream I awoke to find that you were no longer sleeping by my side,
But my dream had become a reality,
And you had really left me.

My house is haunted by the ghosts of you,
More than one, more than a few.
I sleep in a bed that's too full to move in,
But everyone else sees it as empty.
They don't know how you scarred me,
How your ghosts will always follow me.

Goodbye,
Goodnight,
I won't be sleeping tight.

Such a pain tears me from the inside out,
It makes me want to pull my hair from my head and claw my eyes out.
I scream and cry and shout but nothin relieves the pain except cutting my skin again.

******* hollow inside my thoughts are invaded by a therapist who thinks I'm insane,

Insane

You left me behind along with all of your things,
A day like today with the sun the horizon brings.
Early hours of the morning they found me mourning, they found you then and then their worlds started falling.

Lifeless and cold,
No future to hold,
You couldn't see past your worries and pain.

It hurts to know that you felt so alone,
But hurts even more to know that you couldn't see that I was always there for you.

One day we will be re United, but until that day comes,
I'll look upon the sun to take the pain away.

Behind the doors the secrets hide,
They whisper and scream,
If you listen, you'll hear them cry.
But the words that they hide
Will never be known,
The love of fear,
Life alone.

The nights are hard to get through,
So much sadness.

We walked the narrow path,

Beneath the smoking skies.

Sometimes you can barely tell the difference
Between darkness and light.


Do you have faith
 In what we believe?

The truest test is when we cannot  see.

I hear pounding feet In the streets below,
and the women crying,

And the children know that there's something wrong,
The sun rises a golden sunset over the horizon of the nights broken promises,
And the children marvel at its beauty.


it can't rain all the time.

The sky won't fall forever.

And though the night seems long,
Your tears won't fall forever.

when I'm lonely,
 I lie awake at night,

And I wish you were here.

I miss you.

Can you tell me
 there is something more to believe in?

Or is this all there is?

the window breaks and a woman falls,
there's  something wrong,
it's so hard to believe that love will prevail.




Last night I had a dream.

You came into my room,
You took me into your arms.

Whispering and kissing me,
And telling me to still believe.

But then the emptiness of a burning sea 
Against which we see our darkest of sadness took over me,

Until I felt safe and warm.

I fell asleep in your arms.

When I awoke I cried again for you were gone.
can you hear me?

Of course you can't,
You're dead and gone,
I Have to let go,
Despite how much I love you,
I'm living in the past,
And killing my future.

Suicidal tenencies follow me around,
I felt it so strong once that I took enough pills that my body started to drown.
I felt it again enough to make me hang from a rope, but still here I am, and I have no more hope.

A song that kept me going, "hold on until May"
I told myself that twenty times a day,
and when May came there was nothing else to hold on for,
So I held on to the rope, and tried to let it all go.

That song still haunts me to this day,
Every time I hear it I cry endlessly.
Time doesn't heal things.

Don't listen to the pressure,
Who even said that skinny is better?
Those magazines and tv shows?
Being hateful is money and money is what they want.
So they will hate every minute of the day to make sure that their pay isn't going away.

Propaganda that visible bones is better,
Lies that skipping a meal is alright,
And teaching little girls that with their weight
They will always have to fight.

This is not how we were created to be,
We are all beautiful internally.
Don't listen to the pressure,
Skinny really isn't better.

There's so much to be sad about,
How can anyone be happy?

My ribbons are tattered and torn,
My hair is in a tangle,
My eyes they stare a thousand miles
My chest is a ball of brambles.


Here in the hell between
I meet  The devil and the deep blue sea.

I swallow hard to clear the thorns
A ****** Metallic taste is rising,
And from my mouth, a crimson tear
Adoring and despising.

The devil with his uneasy eyes,
The deep blue sea's unsung surprise.
It's fight or flight, sink or swim
And so I let the games begin.

The jury nod, the death knell rings,
I gaze into the cold abyss.
My sentence called, the words unclear
And in a foreign language.


Circles I can't leave,
They'll Drown me as I weep
I'll Sleep forever sleep
Take me to the deep.

I live  with a suicidal tendency.
It has become a necessite part of me,
I wake up every day, just hoping that it will go away.





                   It doesn't.

Take a look at my body,
Look at my hands,
There's so much here
That I don't understand.

You made so many promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them.

I've been treated so wrong,
I've been treated so long,
As if I'm becoming untouchable.

Contempt loves the silence
It thrives in the dark.
With fine winding tendrils
That strangle the heart.

They say that promises
Sweeten the blow
But I don't need them.

I'm a slow dying flower,
A Frost killing hour,
The sweet distant taste of
untouchable.

I need
The darkness,
The sweetness,
The sadness,
The weakness.

I need
A lullaby,
A kiss goodnight,
Angel sweet,
Love of my life.

Do you remember the way
That you touched me before
All the trembling sweetness
I loved and adored?

Well, is it dark enough?
Can you see me?
Do you want me?
Can you reach me?
Or I'm leaving

You better shut your mouth,
Hold your breath,
Kiss me now before your death,
I'm going to miss you,
I wish you had known,
If you had maybe you wouldn't have gone.

Cold hearted,
Iced blood,
These feelings of pain, come in like a flood.

Blue veins,
****** lips,
Take some more pills, go for a kip.

Visable rib cage,
Hunched back,
Skin and bones,
Smoke some crack.

Black eyes,
Bruised lies,
Smoking in chains to pass the time.

Winter comes,
Cold and ******,
I sit here alone,
Waiting for you to come home.


Christmas arrives,
I wonder why,
You had to leave,
And no longer breathe.

So, I'll stay in bed all day,
Put the gifts away,
And remember the day,
That you said you'd stay.

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Don't you feel the pain that we all do at night?
don't ever again look me in the eye.

I realised that you can love someone so much,
But you can never love them as much as you can miss them, I've learnt that he hard way.

Time doesn't heal things,
I wish I had you here to sing.
Pain doesn't wash away in the rain,
I've tried that a thousand times to the day.

People will give you an understanding look,
But never will they know the pain that you undertook.

One day,
We hope,
The pain might fade,
But until that day,
I'll keep your memory at bay.

A vision of black,
Heads bowed,
Women weep as he's lowered into the ground.
His mother cried,
So did I,
People couldn't help but sigh.

The rain flowed beneath our feet,
Into the ground where he would retreat,
A place as hollow as hell,
Where he would never  fit in well.

I feel responsible for his death,
to his parents I apologise,
I wish to join him;
Every single day,
In the ground,
Where he lay.

Am I crazy?
I see people, who aren't really there.
They talk to me, whispering things in my ear.

Shhh,
Don't tell anyone.
They'll lock you back up,
No discretion, but you just have bad luck.

They tell me I'm psychotic,
And dose me up on meds,
To make me feel "sane" again,
Their lies I will be fed.

But I've been there before, I've seen the road and I've been through the doors,
Seconds feel like years when you're in an asylum,
Your heart they will pour.

Don't call me schizophrenic,
Because I swear that I'm not,
I know the people that I see,
Were  once alive like me.

How do you come to terms with the fact that the person you love is dead?
How do you accept that you'll never see them again?
How do you find something to live on for?
Because I'm struggling to see the light and the future to go on for.

I know you'd never want me to feel this way because you're gone,
But since you left all of my happiness has left too.

I hope one day I'll see you again,
But until then I'll hold on to our memories my friend.

Crimson and bare as I stand,
Yours completely,
Blinded by your ever lasting beauty.

Pale white and fragile skinned,
Waiting for the pain to begin,
I'll leave it all behind,
But I will be leaving with blood in my eyes.

Flashback to 1999,
It's the summer,
Not a cloud in the sky.
Present day,
Things have changed,
Summer's over
And it rains here every day.

Don't cry,
We all make mistakes from time to time.
Unfortunately, for me,
Being me was mine.

But how so?
I'm only 19 years old.
I used to be so happy,
until the day the sun stopped rising.

People are scared of the dark,
I don't know why.
There is nothing there in the dark that isn't there in the light.
in the light you will see something if it's scary;
Where as in the dark you won't.

Why fear something that hides your fears?

We weren't what everyone would think to be in love,


We would        sit for hours without talking,                just      looking at eachother.
In Silence.

                               How many   Nights did we                          Spend  staring at the stars,
                                    Hand in hand,
     Head on your chest, I heard your heart pound.


We weren't romantic love songs and picnics in the park,
              
                 We were ****** wrists and visible bones, bones that we loved of eachother so much.

We never said any vowes  or declarations,
            Yet        We knew eachother inside out,


                      In depth.


                                             We were never about sweet nothings, but about raw truth and love,
                  

           Spent days
Learning you, studying you,

                       I knew your every thought,
As you knew mine,


                             We spoke of every night that we slept alone and longed for someone just to hold.



           See,


                          We were both just lonely, eternally, internally.
                  We just needed someone to know us, to know our sadness,

                  To be our happiness,




You
                    Were
                     ­                             Mine.

Run away, child,
Don't let me in,
I'm a demon,
I'm a devil,
I'll teach you how to sin.

Run away, little son,
Don't look into my eyes,
They are black-blue, they are deadly,
And full of dangerous lies.

Run away, little daughter,
Before your mind I will slaughter,
My existence knows no love,
I was expelled from above.

You can never run away,
Your mind is my slave,
I will haunt you until you die,
Never to leave your side.

Run away, child.
While you're still alive.

My house is filled with ghosts,
That only I can see,
I try to tell my mother,
But she laughs at me.

They haunt my every step,
Whispering past events,
telling me their stories,
Filling me with worries.

I lay in bed at night,
Full of anxiety and fright,
That one of them might try to hurt me.

I see jet black figures in my mirrors,
And deformed silhouettes in my windows,
I close my eyes and pray for them to go away.

I guess I'm just intruding,
Living where they once did,
They have followed me around since I was a kid.

My mother takes me to the doctor,
Who diagnoses  me with schizophrenia,
Says' it's all in my head,
That I can't see anyone who's dead.

Locked in an institution for days,
They still wouldn't go away,
They never left my side,
They haunt me still to this day.

There is a light that never goes out,
It burns bright in the darkest part of  night,
Your eyes glistened in the moonlight's sonata,
There was silence felt, even despite the laughter.

Third dimensional,
I see you,
You are gold,
You are not silver;
Silver is me;
Like me you could never be,
That's why we didn't work,
I still feel the hurt,
Tell me the truth about why the Stars have to die to burn?
It's like people,
No one notices,
Until they're gone.


Silver is not Gold.
It never could be.

Endure into the golden room,
The promised land, the sacred tomb.
Disclosure, in the hidden room,
Time is dying, you will too soon.
The serpent is psychedelic,
The serpent is strong,
The serpant is holographic,
Endure into the room.

She was oxygen,
But toxic,
Purified but nostalgic,
Transparent but also  hard to read.

She was ice water,
Infused with a dime and a quarter,
Costing you to live,
But somehow always keeping you alive.

She was a sunset in black,
A night sky in red,
She spread her thoughts all over your bed,
When she breathed you felt diseased,
And always had the need; to tell her she is beautiful.

You stare when she's not looking,
And stare when she is,
No matter what, you know exactly who she is.
You know everything about her,
Hair and eye colour,
And every single suicidal thought that she had ever had.

You were intertwined with her;
Back street lovers,
Making A ship out of a wreck of two denying hearts and minds.

****

Cold hearted,
Iced blood,
These feelings of pain, come in like a flood.

Blue veins,
****** lips,
Take some more pills, go for a kip.

Visable rib cage,
Hunched back,
Skin and bones,
Smoke some crack.

Black eyes,
Bruised lies,
Smoking in chains to pass the time.

Winter comes,
Cold and ******,
I sit here alone,
Waiting for you to come home.


Christmas arrives,
I wonder why,
You had to leave,
And no longer breathe.

So, I'll stay in bed all day,
Put the gifts away,
And remember the day,
That you said you'd stay.

The sun rises,
The Skies' awake,
Another soul, they will take.

The tide goes out,
And then retreats,
The tiny *****, it defeats.

The daylight brightens,
The night is over,
It is finally time, to take cover.

The reapers are descending,
To be Nice people they're pretending,
They deny themselves, of who they are;
So they will always get so far,
They attack your soul,
And drain your heart,
Of everything you've learnt so far,

So take cover,
Under the waves of the water,
And drown yourself,
In the sunlight's faulter.

love
i am love
i am all
i am small
i can feel
this is real
this is all i know
this all
i am old
and i am well off
and i don't know myself
this is all
i can sing
but i can't read you
yeah i don't want to know you
not at all
leave me be
yeah let me see you
for what you really are
not a ghost
of some beauty
that i can't deal with
not for a little while
or at all

A blackened sky is on the rise,
What will it mean for you and I?
The sea will part,
And then reprise,
Please don't return to the sky tonight.

A broken home,
Mothers ******,
Schizophrenic father,
Forever arguing.

Alchoholic parents,
Supposive "carers",
We may seem happy,
But I promise you, we are not.

Suicidal daughter,
Her body she slaughters,
With blades and bleeds onto her mattress.

Youngest sister,
Always missing,
She's always so angry,
This is not a family.

We go on,
Day to day,
Arguing away,
Portraying ourselves happy,
But dying inside sadly.

What happens behind closed doors,
Will never be revealed,
The floor gets wripped up,
And the ceiling caves in.

Suicidal daughter,
Cuts herself again,
Before getting the rope,
And standing on the chair,
She writes some notes,
Then burns them,
Never to see her "family again".

She takes a leap of faith,
Into hope and grace,
Of a new life,
And a new happy family.

Hold your breathe,
Count to 10,
Close your eyes,
Start again.

Hold back the tears,
**** your fears,
Your mind is alive,
Don't let it deprive.

Hold yourself together,
He said it was forever,
No one could see,
It wasn't your destiny.

I'll hold my head up high,
And pretend not to cry,
But when I go inside,
My feelings are deprived.

How do you hide a suicidal tendency?
It's just the effect of the end of you and me.
Time takes forever to go by,
I sit here and I wonder why.

I inked my skin with your name,
As you swore you wouldn't play the game,
Russian roulette,
As good as you could get,
But there was someone who was better yet.

Spin the bottle,
Load up the gun,
And tell yourself  it's only a bit of fun.

The future can't be real,
If the deal is not sealed,
A debt you will pay,
For playing this game.

Spinning,
Spinning,
Round and round,
It lands on you as you bow your head to the ground.

Pick up the gun,
It's no longer fun,
Death is calling,
You're slowly falling.

Bang,
The shot was perfect,
Right through your skull,
As if It was worth it.

You fell to the floor,
I ran out of the door,
Never to return to our place we called "home".

It wasn't a game of roulette,
It was our series of events,
You killed yourself,
Due to the sadness that you felt.

So this is my spin on things,
I'll pour a glass and admit my sins,
Before I join in,
With your game of Russian roulette.

Light up another cigarette,
It's all I do since you left,
Hold a gun to my head,
No promises were ever kept.

Finish off another whiskey bottle,
Around my neck a rope will throttle,
Time doesn't heal things,
I wish I had you here to sing.

I keep your notes locked away;
For when I miss you the next day,
I'll read your words and sing your songs,
Then spark up another ****.

So what if these things are killing me?
I'm dying everyday that you're not with me,
I wanted a future with you,
But now all we have is history.

Alex is the best, even when she wants to die.
The whole world sits and waits, 'until she doesn't want to die.
We're both only sixteen, skipping class to smoke ****.
In her brother's house, we saw it on TV, we left immediately.

And the light comes through the window and shines,
Off the stem of her brother's crackpipe.

Alex is my friend, we meet up after school
Her brother knows a guy, who can sell me lots of pills
Lying on her back, she says she wants to die
Then she buys a gram of coke, and she doesn’t want to die.

Summer storm makes for a blackened sky
I wonder where Alex is tonight

My blood,
Is like honey on bones.
It drips down my wrist,
like ice cream from a cone.

I don"t want to be awake again,
I spend my days with my head in my hands.
If I go outside I"ll fall apart.
I am mostly scared of passing time,
the world it seems gets more unkind.
Inevitable tragedy will soon be mine.

I am looking for an easy place,
to mask my thoughts behind my face.
Oh brown baked column of victory.
Maybe I should just pack up and run away again,
and let you forget that you where once my friend.
Then watch another go on and do better without me.

But I could not go away, not if I wanted to.
I can hide from friends but I cannot hide from you.
These chemical reactions are dividing me.
Self-deprecating thoughts are interrupting all the time,
emphasizing all the traits that I wish weren"t mine.

They speak louder than everybody
I try to keep my eyes closed as my outlook isn"t bright,
compulsively complaining when I haven"t got the right.

I hate the way that I think and act.
I want to end reality but I feel hesitant,
optimistic that the future will be more concerned than the present,
and so for today I"ll remain intactz

I woke up this morning wanting to cry,
and when I called him I realised why.
Although he was honest, he spoke with a cold tongue.
I broke down in the courtyard when it came to light,
He broke every promise in the space of one night.
He made me hate this city, immediately.
I thought he was something else,
but as it turns out he was just someone else.

I am suppressed by my own thoughts
And depressed by your actions,
You never practiced what you taught,
Only using small fractions.

I think too much,
And I sleep too little,
I am cold to touch,
And my words are a riddle.

I drink black coffee,
And I smoke like a chimney,
No one will stop me,
You'll never pin me.

There is a place in my mind,
It's dark and un alive,
It's not that hard to find,
Although, it really makes me thrive.

I struggle without you here,
It's so cold it's severe,
I try to keep clear of the prison gates,
We are both destined to different fates.

I am the rising sun,

I am all of the Christmas fun.

I am the flowering seed,

I am the summer breeze.

Some people say my love cannot be true,
Please believe me, and I'll show you.
I will give you those things that you thought were unreal.
The sun, the moon, the stars all Are my beings.


Now I have you with me, under my power
Our love grows stronger now with every hour
Look into my eyes, you will see who I am
My name is Lucifer, please take my hand.

I bow my head.
We sing in memory, songs that he loved.
I look around, everyone's in black.
It's like a big hole swallowing me,
And I can't get out.

I hear ladies sobbing, babies crying,
And faint screams in the distance,
Everything is blurred.

I smell fresh flowers and old women's perfume.
I feel the urge to scream, to scream as loud as I can.
To scream at the top of my lungs,
"Please don't be gone".
But I don't.
I keep it in, repeadtedly resciting it in my head.

I look around again,
Everything's gone.
It's just me, alone at his grave.
It always was, and it always will be.

They say that he talked to Angels,
And maybe I do too.

You're So close no matter how far,
You Couldn't be closer to my heart,
We're Forever trusting who we are,
And nothing else matters.

I've Never felt this way,
Life is ours, we live it our way.
All these words I Never usually say,
And nothing else matters.

Trust I seek and I find it in you,
Every day for us is something new,
I have an Open mind for a different view,
And nothing else matters.

My body is a portrait of pain and despair,
The marks that it displays are because you are no longer there.
My skin is pale and my eyes are blue, icy and cold since I left you.

It was a Wednesday morning, rainy and snowy,
7:00am and I left in a hurry,
I didn't want to go, but I had to leave you alone,
You were never happy with me, it was clear to see.

I left a note, it said "I'll be back in 5",
I always wonder if you're still waiting for that moment to arrive.

The second line read "I'll love you until I'm dead" and I also wonder if you really knew what that meant.

I travelled around, streets and towns, until I found a new place to go.
Although, without you here, it'll never be home.

I miss you and love you, and I always will do.
But present day, things have changed; my notes are scattered over your grave.

You died in such a terrible way,
When I left you had been dead for 10 days,
You were a mirage of my imagination,
i kept your memory alive,
As long as I could to make you survive.

When I close my eyes,
All I seem to find,
Is the memory of you,
So pure and true.

The last thing you said to me was
"I love you unconditionally"
And I kissed you goodbye,
And never again saw you alive.

I sleep next to your ghost,
It's the one thing that I love the most,
You'll always live on,
In my memories and songs.

I love you,
I love you,
My heart belongs to you,
Keep it near and close,
The one I love the most.

You wrap my hair around your index finger,
And tell me that you love me.
No less, no more, than you ever have before.

You kiss my forehead and hold my hand,
And whisper that you'll never leave me.
As long as I am forever breathing.

You hugged me goodbye before I went to work,
When I came home you were so badly hurt,
Blood pouring from ever eligible place,
I'd never seen such terror on somebody's face.

You died that day, in an awful way,
And now I miss you every single day.
Suicide is not alright, people shouldn't have to fight.

I've never experienced such pain in my chest,
As when the doctors told me you were out of breath.

I'm forever in debt to you, for the happiness that you gave me,
Was evidently more than I ever gave to you.

All of  the rowboats in the paintings
They keep trying to row away,
And the captains' worried faces
Stay contorted and staring at the waves.

They’ll keep hanging in their gold frames
For forever, forever and a day.
All of the rowboats in the oil paintings,
They keep trying to row away.

I Hear them whispering, French and German.
Dutch, Italian, and Latin.

When no one’s looking I touch a sculpture
Marble, cold and soft as satin.

But the most special are the most lonely
God, I pity the violins.

In glass coffins they keep coughing
They’ve forgotten how to sing.


First there’s lights out, then there’s lock up,
Masterpieces serving maximum sentences.

It’s their own fault for being timeless,
There’s a price to pay and a consequence.

All the galleries, the museums
Here’s your ticket, welcome to the tombs.

They are just public mausoleums,
The living dead fill every room

I cry and no one can hear, In hell.
The blinded eyes that see The chaos.
Bring the pitiful to me,
Even though I'm wide-awake, all I see is blackest night.
i wait for you.
It's  cold in here there's no one left.
I knew, I'd cherish all my misery alone

I cry and cry for you
The Ghosts that haunt you with their sorrow,
I cried because  you were doomed,
Praying to the wound that swallows All that's cold and cruel.
Can you see the trees, charity and gratitude.
It's black in here blot out the sun,
Our misery runs wild and free
And i knew, the fire and the ashes of his grace,
Would die the same day as my ever lasting face.

I'm scared to get close and I hate being alone.

I long for that feeling to not feel at all.

The higher I get, the lower I'll sink.

I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim.