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Mar 17 · 102
CautiousRain Mar 17
These turbulent smashes of a hammer
smacking down and cracking
through my hollowed ears
destroy my ability to breathe,
and continue to torment me as I walk;
I hear everything,
the sound of ever-impending weeping, wheezing,
or perhaps the sound of scrapes skidding
down my legs,
but nearly everything makes a sound
and it forever engulfs me;
I can't be in these spaces anymore,
even imaginary sounds puncture through.
oh this is old (January)
and also sensory overload is bad biscuits
Mar 17 · 95
CautiousRain Mar 17
I know that face used to light up,
and I recognize that face here,
but I don’t know what to say,
cause I feel that face in my expressions
and I really thought it’d go away.

I am delighted and also frightened,
and I feel most ashamed
that after all this time,
our faces, some faces, these faces
look the same.
it's like life is on a loop
and somewhere I hear a faint, perpetual laugh track directed at me
Mar 17 · 168
CautiousRain Mar 17
It might delight me to have you,
if we weren’t damaged goods,
but I know I haven’t the foggiest
how two broken people are meant
to mend together;
we haven’t the hands to glue.
even if my hands would stop shaking enough to glue us together, somehow, I'm not sure a repair like that could last
Mar 17 · 146
CautiousRain Mar 17
It’s quite a sight
to see my machinations
dance before me,
and I’m not sure how to feel
when they call me to declare
how I’ve been dreaming.

I try so hard to forget my forgetting
and that maybe when I feel this way,
I can coexist with my desires,
but something tells me when I hear
a man pining,
that it wouldn’t be fair to project myself onto him,
no way.

They keep calling.

I haven’t the ability to trust a phone call
from a fleeting notion I shouldn’t keep.
Please forgive me, sir,
but I think it’s been too much to see
these characters dance to the images in my head,
knowing that reality
is much too far out of reach.
I really don't know if I could ever put myself there again
I don't know if I'd ever want to
Feb 28 · 97
CautiousRain Feb 28
They say she has it bad,
Taking down the boundaries
She never really had,
Yes, it’s all a bit lethargic,
following what was said,
Trailing eyes and messages
and the overwhelming dread.

Let it down slowly,
It’s a phrase she has heard,
And maybe they’d realize her turn for the worse,
Lethargy, it’s an eight letter word,
But it rules the innards and the outer,
It’s just something she’s learned.
it's just a state of being sometimes
Feb 28 · 131
CautiousRain Feb 28
I know it isn’t my place
To say anything else,
But seeing your shameful eyes
Reminded me of how much
I mourn you.

I shouldn’t say much,
Over those “at least”s,
Those “he didn’t”s,
Or “you’re lucky that”s,
Every “he wouldn’t”s
And “he couldn’t”s,
And always those, “to you”s.

At least
He didn’t;
You’re lucky that
He wouldn’t,
He couldn’t,
To you.
I'm so lucky he didn't treat me as bad as everyone else, lest I forget it, says the chorus.
Feb 22 · 149
CautiousRain Feb 22
A wilted lettuce leaf, I am.
Look how weak every crease happens to be,
and how sad it is to see me,
limp and soggy,
Skin turned dark,
An unforgettable, unpleasant sight;
Such an unforgiving body, I have.
it just be like that sometimes
Feb 22 · 74
CautiousRain Feb 22
Trampled feelings of self-doubt
come crawling up the spine,
so when the drum calls to take you home,
you have to ask yourself:
Was it ever worth it?
idk guys, like, believe in yourself sometimes
Feb 22 · 106
Time's Lover
CautiousRain Feb 22
Go ahead and mourn all the things
that have, and can, and will be.
Lay flowers at the foot of the grave of borrowed time,
kiss the past her sweet goodbyes,
and rest assured the cycle always happens again;
another life gives time a new lover
who she'll take back someday.
Jan 28 · 158
CautiousRain Jan 28
All our kisses seem so cold
in shadows of past times spent,
even though they were actually
warm and ever present;
It hurts so bad to know I lost
A man I loved that never existed.
Jan 28 · 110
CautiousRain Jan 28
They say your past lovers
shape your future tastes,
and I'd be fraught with a dilemma
if it were true,
because I cannot afford to love
another man like the last two.
oh boy
I'm not even wrong
Jan 28 · 82
Restless Resting
CautiousRain Jan 28
Looking into myself,
I can't pinpoint that
crushing, confusing, messy
mixture of feelings I have for you.

I would have sworn a week ago
that I hate everything about you,
but now dreaming back
I remember how tender your love was.

I don't know why
you loved me like that
and no one else,
or why you tortured other souls
to have me,
or why maybe,
you destroyed yourself,
but I do know
that I can't rest
without understanding you.
Written in December....oh how life changes, always.
Jan 28 · 113
We're Closed
CautiousRain Jan 28
These doors are shut,
can't you see that?

I've got half a mind to let you hear
my screaming rattled insides,
but I know better.

I know better than to subject you
to the ever compressing, binding,
and oppressive part of my existence
just so you can play pretend
with who you think I am.

Stop acting as though one of you can
hold a key to the door,
taunt my demons out to prowl,
and make love to the idea of me;
you are no knights in shining armor,
and surely, you can see
I'm not open to visitors.
so tired
so exhausted
so mind-numbingly weak
Jan 28 · 223
CautiousRain Jan 28
Dejected, I've detected
that the things people say
can't make sense anymore;
God, it's hopeless, I'm lost,
and maybe someone out there
can tell me where it went wrong.

I want to believe him,
yes, I do,
but who's the fool here
to think it's true?

Please forgive me,
those of you who come close,
for not taking chances
in letting myself loose;
I'm just frightened
by what I've left behind
and I'm just frightened
of what lies I might buy.
Oh, did you mean I now have ~trust issues~?
I hate this
Jan 27 · 152
CautiousRain Jan 27
Every time I think of you,
I hear his name instead
and it’s almost as if
every abuser is the same,
and it wouldn’t matter whose name
I were to speak out to the world
because both deal the same damage.
I can't stop mixing you both up. What a shame.
Jan 27 · 138
CautiousRain Jan 27
My whole body feels weak,
and I can’t help but imagine
this would have been the perfect time
for you to use me,
if you hadn’t already.
Jan 24 · 155
CautiousRain Jan 24
These weighed down bundles
of my tumbled dried insides
collapse into heavy stacks of cotton
linen sheets, tangled;
memories of cold pressed touches
and warm suds wash over me,
while my seams come undone
in my hands.

Why do you think these threads
can be untangled?
I've looked at your patchwork heart
and oh, how I wish mine could be mended like that,
but I hope you can understand,
I've broken many needles in the process
and I'm not sure I can afford to start again.
Sometimes it's hard to let another person take a crack at loving you. Maybe it should be said it's hard to look at yourself and take a crack at loving yourself, again, too.
Dec 2018 · 351
CautiousRain Dec 2018
Oh, so you could finally sleep soundly at night,
knowing my gullible body
warmed your cold, corrupted heart?

Yes, I see now,
you are a real criminal,
sleeping contently with me,
knowing as long as I do,
no one will come for you.

You slept quietly, happily, with comfort,
the comfort of a facade
you made me a vital pawn in;
I did not intend to console
your wicked ways with my love.

Try to sleep peacefully now, boy,
and please take those sweet memories with you,
they weren't real anyway.
Yeah, you know what you did.
Dec 2018 · 114
CautiousRain Dec 2018
Ought I be so scared
of the monsters I fell in love with?

I should know by now
that a man with such an acquired taste
for knives and playthings
could tear me in half.

Their desires to be like me, of me,
torments me as much as the thought
of being like them;
and oh, how my false confidence
destroys me in the end,
pretending I could never fear them.

How quaint it is to exist
inside, between, such disfigured forms
of speech and image,
but must I tremble at their voice,
must I crumble at the feet
of something so deformed?

I know if I see him, see them,
I would much like to be afraid,
and every part of my bones
will collapse into flakes and shards,
only for me to later inhale
my brokenness, with disturbed breath,
and I will feel my eyes swell with lamenting salt,
sensing I'm letting my weakness show.

I've never wanted to run away
as much as I've wanted to run away from him,
from them,
from the absolute tormenting weight of them,
their brown eyes, their brown hair,
their terrible smiles,
they've always claimed to want me
and now I fear they might come
to take me, just like they always said they would.
what a horrible mess we made
what a shame it is for me to have to clean up the pieces
Dec 2018 · 859
CautiousRain Dec 2018
The absence of you
has been so fulfilling
that despite what love I had to give,
I have found peace
in not giving.
I don't know if I want anyone or anything else for awhile. I need to think on it, he has really ruined it.
Nov 2018 · 94
CautiousRain Nov 2018
I admit my heart had grown so fond
Of that soft, hesitant voice,
Those bulky hands,
Your gentle smiles;
I had melted into
every loving kiss upon my forehead,
And I hoped so longingly to keep you
But alas, I must learn to cope
With letting go.
I am constantly in conflicting turmoil about this.
Nov 2018 · 168
CautiousRain Nov 2018
I was your first love,
but you weren’t mine.
9w cause this is a strange thought in my head
Nov 2018 · 187
CautiousRain Nov 2018
I can't shake the idea
that given the opportunity
to mend all that is wrong
about us....about you,
that I'd drop so much of me to do it;
but I'm no time traveler,
no sorcerer or magician,
nor an oracle who can tell you
it'll be alright,
no, buddy,
you and I?
We're verboten,
and I'd consign all of my soul
just to relive "us".

I think you'd always known
that I was sacrificial
and I'd lay down all of me
for you,
and neither of us wanted to believe it,
yet now I have to swallow my words,
my tears, my tormenting silence,
and admit I'd loved you so much
that I would have risked it all;
I would have broken the space-time continuum
to have you.
Yeah...rough night, kids.
Nov 2018 · 786
So Obsessed
CautiousRain Nov 2018
Why would you pretend
that you weren't in love with me;
continuing to play so dangerously
against others' skins,
trying to tempt something
from within yourself to not be
so **** obsessed,
so obsessed, I see,
that as soon as I was let go,
you looked inward
and started to project parts of me
onto every other girl.
If you want a girl to have the exact same behavior and ideals as me and you QUOTE ME to them even though these aren't your opinions, they're mine, you're hoping you can mold them INTO me
that's scary and NOT how it works at all
Nov 2018 · 118
CautiousRain Nov 2018
Honored to be the one
who brings love to the confused
and deranged,
to those who use
more than they give,
and to the ones
who scare everyone away;
honored to be the one they loved the most
before one of us must move on.
Honored or cursed? Nothing hurts more than loving someone so ****** up and them genuinely loving you but being so toxic you can't be around them
Horrible fates of my life it seems, to love and be loved by people like that
I'll cherish what good came from it
Nothing touches me more than knowing it was so hard for them to be good and that despite it all they tried to be their best for me, even if their best was still awful
Nov 2018 · 121
First Time
CautiousRain Nov 2018
For the first time in ages
I said I wanted to die
And I didn’t mean it;
I said it again and, still,
I didn’t mean it.

For the first time in ages,
I could look at my hands
And know that they are mine,
That they are attached
Physically, mentally,
To my own body;
I no longer stare, shakily,
In the mirror
Up to my drifted eyes or chapped lips,
Oh no,
Instead, I see such a lovely warmth,
Something tangible
So when I move my limbs
I know I am here, alive, truly.

For the first time in three miserable,
Lengthy, troublesome, god forsaken years,
I am regaining, RECLAIMING, my existence.
That’s right,
No more empty minded drabble
Or loose whispers begging for help,
Some lost fingertips coated in frigid sorrows,
Never again,

I’ve grown so sick of being sick,
So tired of being tired,
So frustrated with being frustrated;
That I am taking myself back.
I accept her with open arms,
Ones I can finally feel,
And God, did I miss her.
Positive post for once guys
Nov 2018 · 157
Bad Man Running
CautiousRain Nov 2018
A bad man's running his mouth,
talking of God and all sorts of things,
saying justice comes to tear down
all the sins and evils of this world,
claims he knows it,
oh, he knows it,
he claims he'd bring down
all those wretched souls
and hand them some accountability;
ah yes, a bad man's running,
running away,
jumping through hoops
trying so **** hard to hide
from justice,
cause a bad man's running his mouth,
running away from the wrongs he condemned
mere hours ago,
talking about how much he hates
a man like that,
a man like him,
and how much he'd love to show them,
show them,
show them how to be a bad man like him
and masquerade as equity and virtue,
talk a load of croc and take the plunge
with a face so unlike
these marauders,
or so he says,
he always says,
always littering the world with his voice,
his mumbled, garbled,
running mouth;
he wants to tell you
that he'd take his knife to a man
who dared to try you,
feel you,
oh, he says,
as he takes what he wants on his own.

A bad man's running,
running amock in this silent town,
disregarding good deeds,
taking it upon himself
to play the Janus.
Couldn't get the phrase bad man running out of my head
Nov 2018 · 153
Refund Me
CautiousRain Nov 2018
I’m not sure how to return to you
All the crippling anxiety you brought
Along with the sorrows deserted to all our doorsteps,
But I’d like to remind you
That the product you supplied
Was not as advertised
And I’d be much obliged to ask for a refund,
If it weren’t too late
To pull out my receipts
And read all your hypocrisies.

Don’t misinterpret me,
But I must admit this is not what I wanted
And I paid to you two years or more
Of my miserable life,
Yet this is all the effort you could muster
To me
And every other person who bought into
What you were selling;
I never took you for a snake oil salesman,
But that’s the price I paid for my naivety,
Isn’t it?

I’m sure you’d like to remind me
That a customer should always do their research,
And I’m oh so sorry
I didn’t feel the need to.
Would you like me to sue you
So that the next time someone buys in
To your sly little Ponzi scheme,
You come with a warning label?
Nov 2018 · 1.0k
CautiousRain Nov 2018
He was truly indebted
to my hyposmia,
As perhaps without it,
I could have smelled
That swindling, two-timing
Lying *******.
Once a cheater, always a cheater
sorry for the vulgarity (again), but I am channeling that inner southern woman who writes a song about hating her husband....that I never had.
I really do have hyposmia though, I can't smell most things
Nov 2018 · 97
CautiousRain Nov 2018
I can recall now
That night we were cuddled up so near
And you asked me if I could remember
The night you first kissed me.

I sorrowfully replied I could only see haze
And that despite it all,
I still loved you;
My only reference
Was my old poetry,
Documenting much of my life for so long,
My sacred crutch,
The only description I could use
To pretend I still recollected.

I see through the splotchy memories
Much easier now than I used to,
But you had gone and soured every last one
As soon as I could finally remember.

What a dastardly fellow you are,
Stealing the memories I worked so hard to regain,
Soiling them with your presence;
I’m not sure being able to see them
Was ever worth it.
my rambles continue, as per the usual scheduled programming
Nov 2018 · 127
CautiousRain Nov 2018
This is a disaster;
My my, what a wreckage you make
Of everything and everyone you touch,
Leaving them gasping for closure,
Hoping someday the answers
Will fall from the sky, or
From your towering mouth
And slimy breath,
Then maybe the pieces you’ve tangled
Between us can be placed ever so precisely,
Floating from the air in your lungs,
Into something more concise.

Who are you
To leave this world so deflated and disillusioned?
Go ahead, learn nothing of your barbarism,
Soon you will collapse into obscurity
By your own feeble hands
And all that you alleged to stand for
Will bite you in the ***.
NaNoWriMo?? More like I'm going to try to just write a poem every day and I hadn't uploaded the past 4 yet
anyway, here comes my undying salt
I have a small bit of vulgarity at the end that no one is used to from me, my apologies
Oct 2018 · 97
Lost Words
CautiousRain Oct 2018
Oh, whispers in the wind,
I beg of you, please,
tell me of things
departed within
the crevices of my memories
before I lose
all semblance of self.
oldies for the night
these past few posts were during my extreme memory issues
Oct 2018 · 219
CautiousRain Oct 2018
Recall for me
all I cannot retrieve;
I’ve become so fractured
that the rain has washed me out
and the clouds have fogged
images to dust,
leaving my senses rusty,
taunting me with flashes
of lost recollection.
another oldie, same time
Oct 2018 · 163
CautiousRain Oct 2018
I must be a vampire
because every time I peer into
my tall, demanding mirror
I don’t see myself
in any reflection
bouncing back.
oldie I found on my computer
you'd be amazed how many things I wrote and forgot about...
this was from July 2017
Oct 2018 · 177
What's that?
CautiousRain Oct 2018
You mean to tell me
That every letter typed out
with grubby,
Grease-covered fingertips,
Should be laid out in truth?
"What’s that?" Never heard of it.
this is just a salt post
Oct 2018 · 57
CautiousRain Oct 2018
I have forgotten how to scream
So that my body may never vocalize
How intensely and ardently
I have wanted my demise.
Found this on my old word document full of drabbles
big oof, guys
Oct 2018 · 88
CautiousRain Oct 2018
You must be starving,
your beastly belly never satisfied,
never satiated by the image
of a woman’s *******;
not her neck nor her thighs
could quench your burning,
relentless, shameful tastes
for flesh.

Of course, you're starving,
where could you run
when nothing would stop her desires,
her blood boiling, heart aching desires,
for the body, you so brazenly touched,
to be the one thing to light you on fire;
her voice, amplified by all the innocents you touched,
calls out to the hunters who
stare into your loveless, ravenous eyes,
knowing that you will always be starving.
Oct 2018 · 66
CautiousRain Oct 2018
How could I still want you
when I don't know the first thing
the pangs of hunger
or the mystic desire;
I'm not one for such carnal tastes.

I'll never feel the way you do.
rambles again
Oct 2018 · 157
CautiousRain Oct 2018
We can never love again
without combustion,
a self-destruction,
if our lips were to meet
we were never meant to be.
Oct 2018 · 246
CautiousRain Oct 2018
I wish I could kiss the memory of you,
and travel back just once
to when I was naive enough
to hold you close
and feel my anxiety burn and frazzle out
in your arms;
when I was meek enough to nuzzle in
to your soft neck, your lying throat,
and whisper that I loved you
with warm breath I wasted
for two years,
or to finally remember
how unfit our bodies were
pressed together in the dark,
despite our cheery smiles
hidden in hot sheets,
because I want to kiss
something too good to be true
and pretend I don't know it.
Even if I could live in a memory of you, with the knowledge I have now, it'd be so unfit and clunky. You've corrupted the past and the present; what do you have to say for yourself?
Oct 2018 · 212
CautiousRain Oct 2018
I tricked myself
into trusting that I mattered
as much as I thought you did
and that every gentle touch
meant you'd work to be
everything you said you would
and that each fragile whisper down my neck
was a promise
of affection,
not a signal of coercion,
not a white lie to keep me down,
to have me resting next to your body
in shallow warmth,
lost in translation.

Eyes are windows to the soul,
but you always put down the shutters,
closed them tight when you smiled
and told me it was normal;
I believed it.
Not that I should be surprised I was wrong, right?
Oct 2018 · 207
CautiousRain Oct 2018
Dear Diary:
A daunting opening,
and a lost, red leather journal later,
leaves the pen ink sweating
down the page
reminding me how temporary
all my thoughts are
and how every smudge of my fingers
is really just a desperate attempt
to forget what we've become.
This isn't how it had to end, and yet it did
Oct 2018 · 116
CautiousRain Oct 2018
Sometimes I think
I have forgotten
how malleable I can be
and how much I want
to mold my body,
like clay,
around you,
soft and vulnerable
pressed against
everything I once stood for;
why must I be so
hhhh drabble from 2 nights ago
Sep 2018 · 131
CautiousRain Sep 2018
He had that sly smile
he liked to give,
almost as if to say,
"Darling, you knew
I had these demons.
Did you really think
I'd fight them all for you
and win?"
Sep 2018 · 164
Do you?
CautiousRain Sep 2018
You used to tell me
you hated everyone
but me
and ever since you left,
I have to wonder
do you hate me now, too?
Part of me doesn't really want the answer
Just wasted time
Sep 2018 · 118
CautiousRain Sep 2018
When I lie in bed
Dreaming of comfort
I am reminded
That you never were
And that’s okay.
It has to be okay, it's the only way to cope.
Sep 2018 · 144
Lost Time
CautiousRain Sep 2018
I have never desired something more
Than to go back in time
To tell myself I love her.
So I guess I have to just tell her now.
Sep 2018 · 217
CautiousRain Sep 2018
Cursed affixation
Taking in a drove of men
Who think they are above you
But somehow adore only you
And thinking maybe you’re in
On a joke that only you two know
Your wits supposedly matched
Your laughs the same horrible mocking tone
Your eyes faded in a facade
But the games are fun, aren’t they,
For an idiot like you?
Everyone hates the bully
Until you are one
And you feel the bitter tastes
And you think you are a part of something
That somehow you two are stronger
Better than before
But you’re both nothing but leaves
Destined to fall off and crumble
For the winds to drag you away.

These powerful pulls
To one another, and the filth
You both hide in
Triggers one to wonder how you can ever leave the cycle
Of the man who is a narcissist
Or the girl who thinks she is special
Because she is the only one he “respects”.

Take a walk
Break the false bond of strength
And realize that isn’t you
It doesn’t have to be you
Don’t make an addiction to
Addictive personalities
And let it soil the girl
Who wanted proper love
With a softer heart
Who sips quietly from life
On her own, safely;
She needn’t give another man
An ego trip
Because her fragile soul gives out
Too much love
And finds fascination in the grandiose self,
Something with a strong aura
But lacks true power,
Isn’t worth the degradation of yourself.
Love never hinges on something so broken.
A girl can learn, right? One would hope so.
Sep 2018 · 103
CautiousRain Sep 2018
How strange it is
That my concept of you,
Both in love and disgust
Is immortalized in poetry
And yet you don't know
What I've written
Because you never asked for
The name I use online.
Honestly, a modern tragedy.
But would he even care?
Sep 2018 · 464
CautiousRain Sep 2018
I sip coffee,
black, no sugar, no cream,
and hope so badly that you see me
with my arms stiff,
my eyes burning violet,
my throat humming,
buzzing like a swarm of wasps
clearing the area;

I despise coffee
but not as much as I despise
the shame you walk with
or the silent stares
angled in another direction.
Look at me
with coffee that hurts
and twists my stomach;
it exists much like you,
a crutch to feel alive
but it only causes nausea.
ya girl salty as usual
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