I admit my heart had grown so fond
Of that soft, hesitant voice,
Those bulky hands,
Your gentle smiles;
I had melted into
every loving kiss upon my forehead,
And I hoped so longingly to keep you
Forever,
But alas, I must learn to cope
With letting go.

I can't shake the idea
that given the opportunity
to mend all that is wrong
about us....about you,
that I'd drop so much of me to do it;
but I'm no time traveler,
no sorcerer or magician,
nor an oracle who can tell you
it'll be alright,
no, buddy,
you and I?
We're verboten,
and I'd consign all of my soul
just to relive "us".

I think you'd always known
that I was sacrificial
and I'd lay down all of me
for you,
and neither of us wanted to believe it,
yet now I have to swallow my words,
my tears, my tormenting silence,
and admit I'd loved you so much
that I would have risked it all;
I would have broken the space-time continuum
to have you.

Why would you pretend
that you weren't in love with me;
continuing to play so dangerously
against others' skins,
trying to tempt something
from within yourself to not be
so **** obsessed,
so obsessed, I see,
that as soon as I was let go,
you looked inward
and started to project parts of me
onto every other girl.

Honored to be the one
who brings love to the confused
and deranged,
to those who use
more than they give,
and to the ones
who scare everyone away;
honored to be the one they loved the most
before one of us must move on.

For the first time in ages
I said I wanted to die
And I didn’t mean it;
I said it again and, still,
I didn’t mean it.

For the first time in ages,
I could look at my hands
And know that they are mine,
That they are attached
Physically, mentally,
To my own body;
I no longer stare, shakily,
In the mirror
Up to my drifted eyes or chapped lips,
Oh no,
Instead, I see such a lovely warmth,
Something tangible
So when I move my limbs
I know I am here, alive, truly.

For the first time in three miserable,
Lengthy, troublesome, god forsaken years,
I am regaining, RECLAIMING, my existence.
That’s right,
No more empty minded drabble
Or loose whispers begging for help,
Some lost fingertips coated in frigid sorrows,
No,
Never again,
I’ve grown so sick of being sick,
So tired of being tired,
So frustrated with being frustrated;
That I am taking myself back.
I accept her with open arms,
Ones I can finally feel,
And God, did I miss her.

A bad man's running his mouth,
talking of God and all sorts of things,
saying justice comes to tear down
all the sins and evils of this world,
claims he knows it,
oh, he knows it,
he claims he'd bring down
all those wretched souls
and hand them some accountability;
ah yes, a bad man's running,
running away,
jumping through hoops
trying so **** hard to hide
from justice,
mmhm,
cause a bad man's running his mouth,
running away from the wrongs he condemned
mere hours ago,
talking about how much he hates
a man like that,
a man like him,
and how much he'd love to show them,
show them,
show them how to be a bad man like him
and masquerade as equity and virtue,
talk a load of croc and take the plunge
with a face so unlike
these marauders,
or so he says,
he always says,
always littering the world with his voice,
his mumbled, garbled,
running mouth;
he wants to tell you
that he'd take his knife to a man
who dared to try you,
feel you,
oh, he says,
as he takes what he wants on his own.

A bad man's running,
running amock in this silent town,
disregarding good deeds,
taking it upon himself
to play the Janus.

I’m not sure how to return to you
All the crippling anxiety you brought
Along with the sorrows deserted to all our doorsteps,
But I’d like to remind you
That the product you supplied
Was not as advertised
And I’d be much obliged to ask for a refund,
If it weren’t too late
To pull out my receipts
And read all your hypocrisies.

Don’t misinterpret me,
But I must admit this is not what I wanted
And I paid to you two years or more
Of my miserable life,
Yet this is all the effort you could muster
To me
And every other person who bought into
What you were selling;
I never took you for a snake oil salesman,
But that’s the price I paid for my naivety,
Isn’t it?

I’m sure you’d like to remind me
That a customer should always do their research,
And I’m oh so sorry
I didn’t feel the need to.
Would you like me to sue you
So that the next time someone buys in
To your sly little Ponzi scheme,
You come with a warning label?

I can recall now
That night we were cuddled up so near
And you asked me if I could remember
The night you first kissed me.

I sorrowfully replied I could only see haze
And that despite it all,
I still loved you;
My only reference
Was my old poetry,
Documenting much of my life for so long,
My sacred crutch,
The only description I could use
To pretend I still recollected.

I see through the splotchy memories
Much easier now than I used to,
But you had gone and soured every last one
As soon as I could finally remember.

What a dastardly fellow you are,
Stealing the memories I worked so hard to regain,
Soiling them with your presence;
I’m not sure being able to see them
Was ever worth it.

This is a disaster;
My my, what a wreckage you make
Of everything and everyone you touch,
Leaving them gasping for closure,
Hoping someday the answers
Will fall from the sky, or
From your towering mouth
And slimy breath,
Then maybe the pieces you’ve tangled
Between us can be placed ever so precisely,
Floating from the air in your lungs,
Into something more concise.

Who are you
To leave this world so deflated and disillusioned?
Go ahead, learn nothing of your barbarism,
Soon you will collapse into obscurity
By your own feeble hands
And all that you alleged to stand for
Will bite you in the ***.

Oh, whispers in the wind,
I beg of you, please,
tell me of things
departed within
the crevices of my memories
before I lose
all semblance of self.

Recall for me
all I cannot retrieve;
I’ve become so fractured
that the rain has washed me out
and the clouds have fogged
images to dust,
leaving my senses rusty,
taunting me with flashes
of lost recollection.

I must be a vampire
because every time I peer into
my tall, demanding mirror
I don’t see myself
in any reflection
bouncing back.

You mean to tell me
That every letter typed out
with grubby,
Grease-covered fingertips,
Should be laid out in truth?
"What’s that?" Never heard of it.

You must be starving,
your beastly belly never satisfied,
never satiated by the image
of a woman’s *******;
not her neck nor her thighs
could quench your burning,
relentless, shameful tastes
for flesh.

Of course, you're starving,
where could you run
when nothing would stop her desires,
her blood boiling, heart aching desires,
for the body, you so brazenly touched,
to be the one thing to light you on fire;
her voice, amplified by all the innocents you touched,
calls out to the hunters who
stare into your loveless, ravenous eyes,
knowing that you will always be starving.

How could I still want you
when I don't know the first thing
about
the pangs of hunger
or the mystic desire;
I'm not one for such carnal tastes.

I'll never feel the way you do.

We can never love again
without combustion,
a self-destruction,
if our lips were to meet
again;
we were never meant to be.

I wish I could kiss the memory of you,
and travel back just once
to when I was naive enough
to hold you close
and feel my anxiety burn and frazzle out
in your arms;
when I was meek enough to nuzzle in
to your soft neck, your lying throat,
and whisper that I loved you
with warm breath I wasted
for two years,
or to finally remember
how unfit our bodies were
pressed together in the dark,
despite our cheery smiles
hidden in hot sheets,
because I want to kiss
something too good to be true
and pretend I don't know it.

I tricked myself
into trusting that I mattered
as much as I thought you did
and that every gentle touch
meant you'd work to be
everything you said you would
and that each fragile whisper down my neck
was a promise
of affection,
not a signal of coercion,
not a white lie to keep me down,
to have me resting next to your body
in shallow warmth,
lost in translation.

Eyes are windows to the soul,
but you always put down the shutters,
closed them tight when you smiled
and told me it was normal;
I believed it.

Dear Diary:
A daunting opening,
and a lost, red leather journal later,
leaves the pen ink sweating
down the page
reminding me how temporary
all my thoughts are
and how every smudge of my fingers
is really just a desperate attempt
to forget what we've become.

Sometimes I think
I have forgotten
how malleable I can be
and how much I want
to mold my body,
like clay,
around you,
soft and vulnerable
pressed against
everything I once stood for;
why must I be so
alone?

He had that sly smile
he liked to give,
almost as if to say,
"Darling, you knew
I had these demons.
Did you really think
I'd fight them all for you
and win?"

When I lie in bed
Dreaming of comfort
I am reminded
That you never were
And that’s okay.

I have never desired something more
Than to go back in time
To tell myself I love her.

Cursed affixation
Taking in a drove of men
Who think they are above you
But somehow adore only you
And thinking maybe you’re in
On a joke that only you two know
Your wits supposedly matched
Your laughs the same horrible mocking tone
Your eyes faded in a facade
But the games are fun, aren’t they,
For an idiot like you?
Everyone hates the bully
Until you are one
And you feel the bitter tastes
Together
And you think you are a part of something
That somehow you two are stronger
Smarter
Better than before
But you’re both nothing but leaves
Destined to fall off and crumble
For the winds to drag you away.

These powerful pulls
To one another, and the filth
You both hide in
Triggers one to wonder how you can ever leave the cycle
Of the man who is a narcissist
Or the girl who thinks she is special
Because she is the only one he “respects”.

Take a walk
Break the false bond of strength
And realize that isn’t you
It doesn’t have to be you
Don’t make an addiction to
Addictive personalities
And let it soil the girl
Who wanted proper love
With a softer heart
Who sips quietly from life
On her own, safely;
She needn’t give another man
An ego trip
Because her fragile soul gives out
Too much love
And finds fascination in the grandiose self,
Something with a strong aura
But lacks true power,
Isn’t worth the degradation of yourself.
Love never hinges on something so broken.

I sip coffee,
black, no sugar, no cream,
and hope so badly that you see me
with my arms stiff,
my eyes burning violet,
my throat humming,
buzzing like a swarm of wasps
clearing the area;

I despise coffee
but not as much as I despise
the shame you walk with
or the silent stares
angled in another direction.
Look at me
with coffee that hurts
and twists my stomach;
it exists much like you,
a crutch to feel alive
but it only causes nausea.

Oh, I thought I’d have you close
Forever in my arms
A devil’s cheap disguise
To leave me alone at midnight.

How horrible it is
To sink into one’s fears
And let it eat you up
And drag out all the insides.

How does it feel
To run away?
How does it feel to never
See me once again?
Have you forgotten
My tastes?
How could you leave me?
After all that had been said?

Just run away
Take the breaths we shared
Just run away
Take away the loving stares
Just run away
And leave us here to rot.

Have you considered
All that you take
And have you wondered
What’s left of what I offered
And can you feel
The broken pieces
Trying to reconnect?

It seems too ill of you
To walk away again
When it’s so fresh and real
With every pulse and pang
And maybe you
Can’t seem to see
How much of this was worthy
Of existing.

But if you must
Then float away.

Remove all my senses
turn me a husk
leave all the remnants
into the dust
with the pebbles
before you
ask yourself this
was I all you wanted
or was there something else I missed?

Speak to me in numbers
Something tangible
Calculated
Equate your feelings with something
I can infer
Without asking you to
Work these problems over again.

My mouth is burned
By the acidic tastes
Of the orange rinds
And mistakes
Of the toxic paste
Driveled from my head
And out my throat
With haste,
And yet,
I never let go
Of the next bite.

Light me up
Burn my remains
Leave my memories to turn
To ash in the forest
Remind the others
To stay away.

Help me
I am scared
Of the men in my closet
Their skeletons wound
Like a jack in the box
So when I look for something
And the door just nearly cracks
for those I’d almost forgotten
They all come crashing down
Suffocating me with their cold bones.

Empty my mind,
My perception of time
Is skewed and I’ve lost myself
Somewhere
But I can’t see it
or feel it anymore,
My life shifts so slowly,
Or is it quickly?
From under my feet and
As the stars and planets
Rotate, I feel alone
Small
Fragile
And unnerved,
Please tell me where I am
And who I am meant to be
In this cavernous hole in reality.

Cold nose,
Cold hands,
Cold lips,
I can’t help if my
fingertips
want to
grab onto your hips;


Don’t think
I don’t know
How much you
want me,
baby...
just me and you
and all this cold
is surely worth the waiting.

I know my kisses feel
like ice, or snow; and maybe
you’d find out that
I want your love
and find out what
we can be.

A scary thought,
my dear,
is that you’re the only reason for living.

I promise I’ve tried finding some other reason,
hoping I could forge a healthier relationship
with life,
but I’d sooner have death than live without you.

Not even art makes me alive anymore.
All I have is you, you know,
and my friends would hate to hear
how much I long for death or for you;
life gets to choose what path I take,
and I hate it.


At this rate, I’m scared of failing,
I am trying so desperately
to pretend I know what I’m doing,
to pretend I still have a drive,
but I’m only here because you’re still here.

I love you.

You’re so lovely,
you warm me up like a kettle,
so don’t be surprised
when I look at you and whistle.

I want my body to merge with yours.
Like a hot mess,
with our wax candle hearts
boiling over, coated in flame,
gasping for oxygen to keep burning,
I want to melt into you.

Silly little floater,
a ghost memory,
words of silence
dissipated into my head
like melted goo;
it wants to knock
but it's been forgotten
and the door hinges are rusty,
old, practically archaic;
it floats by my eyes
and I could almost taste
the sting and tang of what happened
yet it's nothing but a floater,
a little mix up in the view,
nothing to remember.

Slipping, slipping, slipping,
falling through the cracks,
I nearly forgot that your
kisses felt like that
against me
with your hand brushing past
my neck,
I'm falling back,
slipping,
my fingers lace with your own
and I forgot what it felt like
to be dying;
falling,
falling down to the earth,
keep me grounded
with the sound of your heart
beats
so serene as I fall
falling back,
back
into love with you.

Lucid lady
come to me
tell me what I must do
to rescue my dreams
before they all
become nightmares.

Wretched time loop
what a good song
I have never heard it
you should hear it
it’s my favorite
who knows what it’s about
anguish
man, check out this song
I have never heard it
I think it is familiar
Hey did I ever show you?
Oh boy, what a lovely tune
wish I heard it sooner
have you ever seen it?
You gotta let me show you
Whoa no, I never showed you
Have I ever seen this artist?
What is this about?
It’s good because I like it
it is a little sad
I’ve never heard it
You should show me this song.

Levitated silhouettes
suspended by the throats
you’re surely a goner
when your own shadow croaks.

Dream me a dream
of a time I have forgotten
Where your breath ran warm
And sticky against my skin,
or your laughter floated,
Trailed into my ears like
My favorite song,
And your arms gently, playfully, brushed
Against my own
Just so I can find it in me
To forgive you for what you’ve done.

Cradle me like a child
crying
locked in a cranium she never wanted
lose control
where’s my pacifier?
Take me to a place
force me to **behave.

Liquid luck ain’t so lucky
when you drink it all at once
because no one reads the
warning label: Small doses only;
there are always repercussions
for an overdose...