No one choses to suffer,
No one choses to "always be sad",
How could you say Depression is only a 'choice'?
"Oh, it's only just a fad."

You must think it's simple,
To go on and wake up,
Your life must be so easy,
Hell, it isn't so tough.

Tell me about all the money, that can be counted in bills,
How many people are truly there for you,
How you live atop a hill.

Was it you who was nominated, the best at your job?
The one who graduated and had enough to eat?
Or were you the one I last saw,
Who cried himself to sleep?

Perhaps you were the one who had enough to be on his own,
Maybe you were the one in a bar, drinking yourself away-alone.

Tell me how you live your life, always with a smile and your ego so high,
How you never once sat and had thought, "I might as well die."

Depression is not hypocritical, it is a sickness to many,
Whether or not you can or cannot count every penny.
It doesn't always scream, it doesn't always cry,
It can often be found in painful laughs, or a clever written lie.

Some may suffer gravely, some found in death,
Some may be pained ocasionally or with every strangled breath.
It is found in young or in old, man or woman of the world,
Some by the embraced or those who have been hurled.

The next time you speak of fortune,
To insult or to brag,
Make sure your own life isn't begging-
behind a fitted mask.

A child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort.

No amount of depression can change the past, and no amout of anxiety can help the **future.

The hardest thing I have ever did,
Was run away from you,
When you told me you loved me, but instead I hid.

The bravest thing I have ever did was protect myself,
I confronted you to your face,
"Enough is enough" I said,
"I shall no longer be chased."

The strongest thing I have ever done was cut off ties,
Realizing my 'protective cage' was a lie.
That I was in a prison, to you I was just a weak animal in a zoo,
To realize my mind and heart were victims from them and from you.

Yet...
The most painful thing I have ever done,
Was say goodbye to the only person I knew most,
To know that all this time the destruction in my life...
Was from the one who preyed close.

Walls have ears,
Doors have eyes,
Trees have voices,
Beasts tell lies;
Beware the rain,
Beware the snow,
And beware the man you think you know.

Sometimes I wonder, how I will make it alone,
When all those in my life have refused to see what I have always shown?
The fact that I am ill, yes indeed it is true,
A mental illness chains me, physical illnesses too.

Depression has been a friend, for as long as I know,
Panic and anxiety, do you even need to be told?
Am I paranoid? Or is that what you want me to think?
In the next minute, I am dissociated, or cannot think.
I am over here and over there,
"Hello!" or "Goodbye",
What is seriously wrong with my mind?

Friends, they stay a distance, and I don't need them anyways,
Family? Forget it...
I lie and I lie.
I pretend that I feel nothing,
Nothing touches me,
But truth be told I am terrfied,
My heart, as if, bleeds.

Perhaps you've heard of Fibro,
Or IBS as well,
Maybe you know Chronic pain,
And a fatigue like hell.
Maybe your are familar with being in constant pain,
Maybe you know all the pills, over and over again.

"How can it be hard to get out of bed?"
"How hard can it be to ignore what's in your head?"
You won't understand, even though I've tried,
No I'm not special, especially when I'm chained to a bed.

I've been told I am older now, "Hurry up and get a job",
"You will be nothing when you get started and move on."
"Can't you just stop whining? Grow up and live life?
Can you just do something rather than sleeping and wasting time?"
"You worry about this, you cry about that, you want this but don't even try to relax."
"You are doing nothing but sitting around,
So what if you are sick? We all are, all year round."

I am the lazy, the black sheep the failure,
The worthless, dissapointment, the immature.
"I am the would have been, could have been, should have been, never was and never ever will be",
Did I really just quote a song? Indeed, I've felt what they really mean.

I am weak or stubborn, Ms. "why" and "Okay but how come?"
Believe me, there is no look or answer I've been given, that I have not sawn.


There is help out there, there are programs and places to go,
But who would want to love someone who struggles to get up and go?
Who may be sick for the rest of their lives,
Who doesn't even feel worthy of time?

People do what they have to, to go off and survive,
But the next time you want to go and ridicule someone,
Please know, they try...

Some may call me crazy, because often the majority do,
But I will never forget who you were,
Yes, I will never forget you.

Some will always see the evil, some will always pull out the bad,
But no one was born to be a cruel
person,
Nor an evil man.

You may never remember, you will probably deny it again,
But I remember the moment, when you begged to have a friend.

I remember when you spoke, you told me of your suffering and pain,
You told me you were once happy, when you were still, you quoted "sane."

You reminded me of your mother, and how you loved your sister so,
But how dark times came so sudden, how you had fallen so very low.

"He took everything away from me, and gave me to the Devil,
Now I remain in power, so I shall not ever fall to his level.
I hate what I've become, but hell, you will never know,
What it's like to see your reflection and hate it with a passion,
Wanting to **** what it shows.
They have me captive just as they have you,
They do not want anyone to know any of their truths.
I want to die and have prayed for my death every single night,
In hopes whatever god is listening will end me of my plight.
Please help me, I am so sorry for what I have done,
I truly do mean it, I swear on my family's on blood.
You may not forgive me, because what is left to forgive?
If anyone, it is you, who deserves to fully live."

Before I could try, before I could speak, you were gone again,
Your eyes turned dark and you had that smile, one that was ruthless and bleak.
As if a demon, silenced you, as if some darkness had won,
You were no longer your true self, no, you were gone.
You laughed at my tears, as I shed them that night,
Not in the name of my own suffering,
But because I saw a man lose his own fight.

Fat, fat, fat.
All I see is fat.
I am the "chunkiest", the "chubbiest", the "roundest" and the "ugly pig".
I might as well be a rat, the biggest of the big.

Fat, fat, fat,
All I see is fat.
I am "just right", "average", "normal" or "perfect size."
They lie every single time, and hell, just 'like that'.

Fat, fat, fat,
All I see is fat.
I am "too skinny!", "I wish I looked like you", "wow! Size zero jeans?!" and "underweight".
Yet, I refuse to touch this cold, stocked plate.

Fat, fat, fat,
All I see is fat.
I am "awful", "dying", Miss "eat something" and "throne of bones".
Yet, this body will never be my souls rightful home.

Fat, fat, fat.
All I ever will be is fat.
Even in a long gown and stuck to the end of an I.V pole,
With doctors and psychatrists and loved ones crying and begging me to just "recover, please come home!"

I am still fat.


The hospital bed is empty,
My bed is left untouched,
There is a silence as the wearers in black all sob and stare silently at the body in the ground.
Devasted and hushed...

I see them, but can no longer speak.
No longer able to feel, no longer live,
Forced to watch time pass and hearts mourn...
Their days now heartbroken and bleak.

My  best friend doesn't speak, she now sits alone,
My mother sobs every night, family reminded
so often of my presence,
The one who secrelty loved me has loved no more,
Even my pets still wait outside my door.

Those who knew me, only can remember me in the things left behind,
Even the sun itself rarely shines.


Dead, lost, gone.
I am no longer fat,
But I also no longer- belong.

How awfully sad it is when our body is our home,
And someone you love,
Tries to burn it to the ground.

How awfully sad it is when the eyes are our windows,
And someone you know,
Choses to shut out​ the light.

How terribly sad it is when our hearts are made to love and to yearn, as the fireplace,
And you see that someone,
Has put out their flames and snuffed out what was left.

They are finished and done,
Nothing is the same, no one, nowhere, none.

Let me be broken today
So I can recollect myself and be whole again tomorrow.

Here I am, lying on the floor,

I just can't go on like this no more.

From my wounds I'm crippled and weak,

From my pain I start to weep.

I feel the blood draining out of me,

All I want is for the pain to leave.

Let me sleep and never wake,

Save me from my wretched fate.

I should've known all along,

That this battle can't be won.

I've never been a hero, I am only me,

And that was never good enough to be.

But this suffering I shall not keep,

When I close my eyes for the endless sleep.

I'm too much and not enough,
I'm nothing and I'm everything,
I sleep too little, wake too late,
And I dream too much, want too much, feel too much...
Or nothing at all.
I talk too much and I breathe too fast,
I can't take everything in as quickly as I should,
And I get attacked so fast,
It's like a fury , fresh,  fierce.
I am scarred by the sinews that bind me
And I am scared of
Myself.

Ian runs up to bat, sweat flooding his face.
He grips the bat tightly, then suddenly,
CRACK!
The ball flies to the crowd as he rounds first, then second, then third, and finally...

"KID!"

I jump up, my book hitting the ground.
I saw my principal at the door, arms crossed.

"Go home."

A swirling mist,
Undulating tendrils sneaking away...
Inky shadows fitting in and out of view...
Through the haze, I perceive a world that I have departed, a world I used to know.
I desire only to reach out and caress it, to whisper my silent goodbyes...
My tombstone restrains me, forcing me to remain dead.

I once hated the dark,
Because it was not my friend.

We never spoke, and everywhere I went, the light followed me.
Just my candlelit lantern and I.
We were friends.

One day, the light did not go on, nor could I find my matches or a spare.
As I searched, I had also lost with it my favorite of rings.

"I can help." The dark spoke.

"No, thank you." I replied, hiding my fear with bitterness.

"Please, you might hurt yourself."

"I said no!"

Going about angrily, I stumbled and cursed, turned this way and that, stumbled and hit myself into a plethora of things and ended up tripping down the stairs straight onto my bottom.

-at the bottom of the dark and cold.

I hated the dark you see, because it reminded me of the former things.
The lost things.

It reminded me of evil and sadness, of misfortune and all fears and scary things.
It reminded me of my mother who passed and my father who is gravely ill,
It reminded me of being lost without a hand,
Of pain and loneliness.
It reminded me of the nightmares I had and the face in whom caused them.

I cried.
I had never cried.
But despite all my pride, I cried for the first time.

Suddenly a voice came from the silence.
"I never was one to cause such misery, I am the dark yes, but even in the dark can there be good things.
Your mother, don't you remember the night sky you both enjoyed? The campfires and the late nights you spent with her talking and laughing? The fireflies and the warmth of the fireplace as you sat and even went to sleep looking up at your glow-in-the-dark stars?
Then in the dark, you would sit and wait for the goodnight kiss and smile given to you and wake up the next, your father there and alive still. The dark reminding you that there is a new day of light and hope.
The time where you realize that you made it passed that one night, and that you are stronger than before.
You and your friends stay up late, doing this and that. Don't you remember them?
Without me, you would have not remembered even the times you had when you weren't afraid, but brave.
Come..."

Wiping my eyes I got up and walked back up the steps, back to my room where the voice spoke again.

"Look, underneath there."

My bed stood desolate and cold.

"But I don't like it under there."

There was silence but I didn't want to hesitate no more in it.
With a large sigh I knelt down and looked underneath.

Piles of random things as well as dust, but there I had found them- a spare box of matches and my ring on top.

"Thank you."

"The next time you are afraid, remember who you are and all the smallest things. Without the bad, we cannot appreciate the good. Without the dark, we cannot appreciate the light."

That night, I slept without my latern.
I never hated or feared the dark again.
That night, I slept soundly,
The darkness a comfort.

The biggest mistake you can ever make is to walk away from the person who stood and waited for you.

Why am I me? I sometimes ask myself.

Why am I not somebody else?

I could have been anyone, anywhere.

So why am I me, why am I here?

I am who I am, but why?

Will I be someone else after I die?

Why do I look the way I do?

Why am I me and not you?

I am me, but why am I this way?

How come I am alive today?

From all the people I could be

Why am I exactly me?

Life is confusing, like a maze.

Everyone tries to find the right way.

One wrong step could ruin it all.

One mistake and you could fall.

It's easy to get lost when you don't know

Where to end up and where to go.

Are you walking the right way?

It's hard to know and hard to say.

Make the right choices at the right time.

Avoid the wrong path and you'll be fine.

Once you're lost it can be hard

To find your way back to the start.

Follow your heart and ignore the lies.

Don't get lost in the maze of life.

I am here, but you are not.
You're all I need but haven't got.
Here I am, here you aren't.
You go there, but I can't.
I miss you, I'm incomplete.
Counting the days till we meet.
I'm still here, waiting for you.
You're still there, missing me too.
We belong together, you and me.
And without you, I'm incomplete
Like the night without the stars.
I'm incomplete if you are far.
When you're gone, I dream of you.
Hoping that you're dreaming too.

Black and white, black and white.

In the darkness, a pale light.

Is it hope? Could it be?

Close your eyes, it's just a dream.

The world is cold, so dull and grey.

It seems it's always been this way.

All is black, grey and white.

Black and empty is the night.

Look up into the cold black sky.

Don't be sad, no need to cry.

Do you see the small white stars?

The light is there, yet so far.

Not a whisper, not a sound.

Only silence all around.

All alone, there's nothing left.

Just dead colors and emptiness.

What happened here, what's going on?

Where are the colors, what went wrong?

Black, white and shades of grey.

That's all there is, every day.

Feel the cold breeze of the night.

In this world of black and white.

If I was a monster, would you be scared of me?

I wouldn't be surprised if you tried to flee.

Look at the beast that I've become.

Will you leave me, will you run?

Or would you dare to set me free?

And break the chains that have broken me?

You could save me and be the one,

To tame the monster I've become.

Would you look into my eyes and see,

That inside this beast, it's still me?

Can't you see me bleed and cry?

I can't fix myself, even if I try.

You think I've changed, but actually,

This monster here has always been me.

For far too long I've been locked inside,

These chains of my own guilt and pride.

What if I'm not who you thought I would be?

If I was a monster, would you still love me?

It's a dangerous world that we live in,
But a dangerous world we create,
Where the wrong are too often forgiven,
And the right are convicted of hate.

So little, so simple,
Yet they have so much meaning;
So minor, yet inside her,
Her consciousness is teeming.
With anger, with hatred,
For they treated her wrongly,
Her heartache, her heartbreak,
Her agonizing longing.

So much wrong for so long,
She almost wants to leave it,
Yet hope is beneath it,
She almost can't believe it.
That some form of hope lurks,
In something deep inside her,
A fire that rises,
In he who walks beside her.

She's holding on so fervently,
She's staying strong because she believes,
Discordant cacophonies,
Give way to perfect melodies.

Of her shame or her strength,
Are those lines indication?
For all of them are hollow,
Another step she's taken.
Yet somehow she's here now,
Still after all that pain,
So maybe she's saying,
"There is sunshine after rain".

She shivers but glimmers,
With some degree of life,
She knows she's not over,
And that is why she fights.

She's holding on so fervently,
She's staying strong because she believes,
Discordant cacophonies-
Give way to perfect melodies.

I don't know how to write the song,
That I'd sing to you every night,
I don't know if I can make you mine,
But I promise I'll make things right.

I don't know if I can sing you to sleep,
But the melody beats in my chest,
I don't know how many wrongs make a right,
But if loving you is wrong, I confess:

Maybe I'm not perfect,
But I did the best I can,
Maybe I'm not worth it,
But I hope you understand.
I know that I'm different,
But it stands that, in the end,
No matter how we're distant,
I will bring you home again.

I don't know what I can do for you,
To make your life more beautiful,
Just as I wish you were here for me,
Know that I'm here for you.

Here I am for you to hold,
Through each and every year,
I will be with you til we both grow old,
Yes, I will be with you, my dear.

So...
Maybe I'm not perfect,
But I did the best I can,
Maybe I'm not worth it,
But I hope you understand.
I know that I'm different,
But it stands that, in the end,
No matter how we're distant,
I will bring you home again.

I don't know how to write the song,
That I'd sing to you every night,
I don't know if I can make you mine,
But I promise I'll make things right.

A body filled with nostalgia,
A heart filled with ache,
This is my karma,
For saying "I love you" too late.

Pain brings you together-
Happiness is what keeps you together.

Perhaps the truly 'alien' things out there isn't other life.
Its the planets and pulsars, the nebulae and all other matter.
They are massive,  incomprehensibly distant and incomprehensibly old.
Totally indiffernt to us, they will be there long after we're all gone and have there been long before.

The truth hurts, because lies are a wound.
•
The ones who love you-they want to heal it.
Your enemies-want to use it.
•
In both cases you feel pain.
•
**Don't mistake the ones who love you as enemies.

Do not bring your light into the dark.
It is not meant to be seen though;
It is meant to be felt through.

Truly brave souls plunge into the dark-simply to learn how to find a way out.

My freedom was taken from me, and I'll never get it back,
Can't you see the happiness that I lack?
You've made me insane, to the point of scars and wishing for death,
I am miserable and helpless, I have nothing left.
I would ask you "why?" but now I understand,
You too are trapped and a suffering man.

Threw my pills across the floor and my blades against the wall,
Screamed until the voices stopped, cried until I was sick-does anyone care at all?
Vomited until I was sore, destroyed mirrors until glass was on the floor,
I fell to insanity leaving reality for a while until I came back realizing I was shattered form the core.*

❣

Do you remember that young child so innocent and small?
Do you remember her laughing as she ran down our hall?
Do you remember that little girl with that big eyed smile?
Who saw happiness and sunlight in all that came?
I cannot remember her, in fact I have never seen her again.

She sits in a mirror young and small, but instead of running she's forced to crawl.
She cries and cries as she runs from the unknown,
I asked her once why she's so afraid and with a sad reply that answer was shown.

There stood a shadow, with blood on his hands,
Then to my horror I fell-I once knew this man.
Until then I realized I had lost my innocence to this game,
I was controlled by the trauma that made me forget my own name.*

❣

You ask me "What are those scars? The ones going up your arm?"
"Why would you even think of self harm?"
"Why do you hate your own name? Replace it with another?"
"Why did you push away your own lover?"
"Why do you ***** after you eat? Why are you so obsessed with being perfect and 'neat'?"
"Why do you cry for no reason at all? Why do you get so angry when there is no reason to be at all?"
"Why are you so afraid? Why do you stay in bed? Why are you the way you are? "
"I am sorry, was it something I said?"

You see your questions don't scare me, In fact they aren't the first,
Just know this-when you are in pain long enough, you find any way you can to rid away all that hurts.

❥

No amount of pills could ever "cure" me and no amount of doctors could truly know my pain,
Why I refuse to look in any mirror and why I sometimes almost go insane.

No therapy could ever make it "disappear" completely, or diagnosis try to "understand" me.

You see, I am not crazy or lost, I am not wanting "attention" or daft,
But I search for all that I've lost-
Freedom and memory, my smile and laugh.

❥

"Happiness is wrong,
Sadness is right,
Healing is darkness,
And pain is the light.
To conquer pain is to add more,
On this you can be sure.
Love is hatred and cruel,
No one could ever love you- this world is dull."

If that is so, I would rather be killed saving lives,
Than live in peace within your twisted lies.

❥

Shattered mind and stolen heart,
What you did was pull me a part.
From all that was and ever will be,
Not only did you govern my life but take my sight to see.
Throwing me back into the world, thinking I would be just another "machine",
I ran far away and found God within.
I now know men can be evil and often do cruel injustice to those blind,
You ask why I do what I do? Maybe because I believe in Freedom of mind.*

❥

From name to name I tried to fit what would please you,
From "Skia" to "Luchesi" to ones like "Paradeaux".
Over and over I tried to find an image that would keep me from pain,
To my misfortune you only used it for personal gain.

I have come to the point of duality,
An awful state of mentality,
Where freedom is lost not just in body,
But mind and life;
To cause sickness, fear,
Frustration, insanity
and ongoing strife.

What is my name? Do I really even know?
Who was I before I became a prisoner of control?
Everyone has grown hatred wanting to call justice,
But you see I understand now-that is why I instead call unto forgiveness.

Never hold onto hatred no matter what you've lost, not even the amount of fear, damage and pain-
Not even when you have lost your very own name.

❥

Clonazepam, Lorazepam, Diazepam, Alprazolam, if you've been acquainted with benzodiazepines,
Then you will know the hassle that I hearby mean.
Names so crazy it's like they fit your mind,
Yet without them they can be so unkind.

Clonazepam, Lorazepam, Diazepam, Alprazolam,
Tiny little pills, oh how you can truly and seriously help me to heal!
Yet, you make us happy as we should be without you to feel,
Because I'd rather remember you as an old friend who was there for a while to keep me "still".

Clonazepam Lorazepam, Diazepam, Alprazolam...
I know it's hard to say goodbye,
So for now I'll just say "goodnight",
And maybe one day I'll see without you-
the true happiness of daylight.*

❥

Demons with purity, Angels with Sin,
Benevolence truly shines from within.
Judge those who are not shrouded with darkness,
For they have experienced pain and emptiness.
Open your arms and share with them your light, and one day you may just end their fright.*

❥

All my life I've been known as "Crazed",
My life is falling a part and I feel dazed.
I cover up my face with a smile as a mask,
To cover up my pain so I won't be asked.

I've been told to try and find some help,
But with none all I can do is cry and yelp.
Day by day I feel like I am fading,
Whether or not I should keep fighting-
I am still debating.*

❥

Shh, mommy, I have a surprise.
How would you feel if I told you I was dead inside?
How would you feel?
Would it make you cry?
Would you apologize?
❣
Or would you let it slip to the back of your mind?
❣
How would you feel?
How would you feel about the cuts on my thighs?
How would you feel if I 'accidentally' died?
❣
How would you ******* feel?
❣
Would you be able to swallow your pride?
Be able to listen past your stubborn side?
Cause lately, I'm feeling pretty worthless, don't you know?
Oh yeah, that's right... Cause I don't want to worry you- I don't let it show.
❣
How would you feel though?
Would you believe me if I told you so?
Or would you just say I'm "crazy" and forget it all?
I am curious...
If your daughter killed herself, would you miss her at all?*

❥

She's locked herself away,
Hidden from love's painful force;
She's convinced that if she's all alone,
She'll never end up with a broken heart or hurt.
❣
But her heart aches of loneliness,
To which there's only one cure;
But she promises she won't ever fall in love,
This she knows for sure.
❣
So in an empty room,
She cries behind a locked door;
She just wishes that love wasn't just pain,
She wishes it could be more.
❣
She doesn't know when she decided she was better off alone,
All she knows is that it's breaking her to her core;
She reasons that if she ends up needing someone and then they leave, She just won't have anything left to live for.
❣
So she sits huddled in the warmth of her lies,
They offer such comfort but she's choking on her words.
Why can't she find true love?
Maybe she just has a lesser worth.*

❥

Some people wither with love,
Others blossom.

Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm asleep or awake,

My dreams are real and reality is fake.

What I think is real might be wrong,

Perhaps I've been deceived all along.

Maybe I'll wake up if this is a dream,

And realize that nothing is how it once seemed.

There are times when I just feel-

Like nothing in my life is real.

Perhaps I'll wake up after I die-

And see that my whole life was a lie.

Maybe not even reality is real,

Sometimes it seems abstract and surreal.

My life is terrible, too awful to be true,

So can it be real? I wish I knew.

This surreal life I can't escape,

What if I'm not even awake?

My whole life could be a dream,

Trapped in my mind, reality unseen.

If my life is a dream, don't wake me yet.

I want to live a life I'll never forget.

A dead man once told me to open my mind to the pretend "fore soon they become real."
He told me to open my heart to the forgotten "fore they too have an appeal."

Upon the ghostly white face of that dead man, eyes of pure gold,
His white body stood tall and lanky, the touch of dead flesh grew cold.

I opened my mind and began to see clear reality,
My heart opened wide to find those forgotten knew the truth of actuality.

I asked him why he blessed me with this knowledge, wishing me off so well,
He told me how he had not know, causing him to fall to a death more unpleasant than Hell.

That somber dead man then fled to his grave,
Just as he vanished he whispered "Be brave."

I pass on this event to tell you all,
Open your mind and heart or soon you too shall fall.*

❥