i remember the cold grass,
flattened beneath our backs,
as we stared upon the stars above

your eyes would glow,
the most beautiful sight to be seen,
the stars could never compete

and when i would put my thoughts into words,
you'd blush; and the smile to grace your face,
was much like the sun above

you'd often blind me,
making my eyes burn, a pleasant sting,
while you sit, oblivious

oh, how you took my breath away

I remember the better days,
back when the trees had color,
and the birds would sing

A mother would smile,
watching her daughters play,
skipping around with their puppies

The wind was soft,
the sky was bright,
and the sun brought comfort

Toys would litter the floor,
while giggles could be heard,
the mother shaking her head and smiling

Oh, what happened to those days?

The people changed,
the mother popping pills,
the eldest picking fights,
and the youngest, confused and terrified

She sought comfort in her toys,
and it simply brought them to life

A blue dragon and a tiger,
an unlikely combination,
were her heroes

She learned from them,
they were her best friends,
distracting her from the world falling apart

And fall apart, it did.

You control my life,
restricting each breath,
each laugh

Because of you,
I’ve forgotten how to smile,
how to live

You took all my friends away,
leaving just me,
and me, alone

You forced me into things,
things I hated,
but they were the only things that brought relief

And I find myself thinking about the past,
before I met you,
before you ruined my life

I don’t know how I used to be like that,
so happy,
so alive

You stole everything from me,
and now,
I don’t even know who I am

What do you do,
when your entire life
has been an act?

A terrible mask,
glued to my face,
suffocating me

The mask shows a smile,
while underneath,
I crumble

But that’s okay,
I guess,
as long as you’re happy,
everything is fine, right?

Something must’ve happened,
for I cannot grasp what I am feeling
conflicted yet again,
but isn’t that what life is?

My heart is numb,
my skull is aching,
it’s all I ever feel anymore,
I don’t want to live like this

I don’t know who I am anymore,
I’m not the same person I once was,
all I identify as is fake smiles,
and recent cuts

My heart is throbbing,
my head is asleep,
all I feel is hurt,
I don’t want to live like this

I’m a mess,
an island of lost ambition and broken dreams,
the scars are the isles,
and the tears are the waves

all i can wish for is that the island floods

I’ve forgotten what freedom tastes like,
the substance that used to dance around my taste buds,
pulling me in,
a comforting arm around my shoulders

I used to think it would last,
that I’d forever be filled to the brim with glee,
but here I am now,
no freedom in taste

The arm has disappeared,
it faded away over time,
much like all things do,
and with it, it took my bottle of freedom

The hole that I sit is no longer bright,
everything I see is dull,
everything I smell is dull,
and everything I taste is dull

I miss the colors,
the scents,
and the freedom

I took freedom for granted,
and now I’m stuck here,
wishing for just one last drip

Your laugh,
it flips a switch inside myself,
suddenly I'm a robot,
whose only purpose is to make you laugh

Your smile,
it makes my heart flip,
and suddenly I'm a gymnast,
willing to flip and cartwheel,
just to see you smile

Your tears,
they're like a blade to my wrist,
and suddenly I'm bleeding,
dizzy and angry and depressed,
because I'll take your sadness,
just so you can be happy

My hand, it grasps,
a withered pen,
dry and old,
yet perfect all the same

My pen, it dances,
across the milky paper,
smooth and neat,
yet messy all the same

My paper, it shouts,
words, phrases, stories,
depressing and gloomy,
yet cheerful all the same

Sometimes,
we must let go
of the things we love

The things that brought us happiness,
and memorable memories,
must soon pack up and leave

Whether it be
because we grew too old,
or we grew too weak

We have to let go of them,
because they will injure us
if we do not

They will weigh us down,
like rocks in a backpack,
until we are on our knees

But we refuse to let them go,
to throw the backpack off,
and to finally breathe

Until we collapse

We cry,
shake,
scream

As we watch our memories,
childhood,
and our happiness,
turn into nothing
but a mere dream

"It's hard to write about life when you've never lived."

We all have a favorite word,
whether we know it or not

It’s a word we use frequently,
yet not frequent enough

It’s a word that dwells within us,
living happily in our mansion of a soul

It breathes our air
and pumps our blood

And sometimes it’ll cause our lungs to restrict,
or our heart to stop

But, like a drug,
we’ll drink it,
inhale it,
inject it,
and everything goes back to normal

You’d think that after so many years
upon this utterly lonely planet,
we’d have learned what our purpose was

But each and every one of us,
each soul and heart,
are as confused as ever

The shimmering stars in the sky
reflecting themselves selfishly upon the lake
screaming at us to look at them;
to pay attention

But we’re too busy debating,
debating whether we have a purpose
or if we were simply made to die

The stars lose a bit of their shine,
creeping silently back to their room,
but yet they were not deterred

Night after night,
the stars gained glow after glow,
until we all finally looked up
and all of our angry faces turned soft

The stars glimmered and glinted,
being reflected in the eyes of each of us
entrancing us;
hypnotizing us

And then the stars snapped their fingers,
but we all continued to stare at the beauty
that we had forgotten existed in this cruel questionable world

My mind,
a cluttered and messy place
A place that I’m forever trapped
without a key

The key,
it perches atop a stool
behind barbed wire
and steel bars

Inaccessible
Untouchable
Unreachable
Impossible

The words that haunt my mind,
a cavern,
a ghost of what it used to be

Taunting me,
restlessly,
while kicking
and spitting upon my fragile brain

Perhaps my brain is glass
and the thoughts are rocks,
shattering the glass,
and then using the remains to stab my heart

And I let it happen
because I know I will never be free,
free from the Hell inside my head

At this point,
I’d rather stop breathing
than to hope
for the rough surface of the key in my palm

Because hope is just another word,
a synonym for imagination

They say to be yourself,
but then shoot you down if you are

They say that you're loved,
but every action shows otherwise

They say that life has meaning,
but they have no proof

They say I light up their life,
but all I see is darkness

I've gotten so used
to people telling me useless lies
that I've started to tell them myself

I say I'm okay
but I'm not

Why do we hide ourselves
burrowed deep underground
into the confines
of our mind?

It’s like a prison
one that can be harsh
yet also soothing
almost like a spa

And you get so caught up
in the massages
that you forget
all of the beatings

And when it switches
you’re struck down
again and again
until you’re back at square one

And all of this back and forth
it’s taking its toll
wearing you down
until you can’t even think

Perhaps we should tear the prison down
and instead, build a house
a cozy place to call home
where there is no judgement
and you can finally be you

Remember,
when we were younger
and we were scared
of the monster in the closet?

We never asked questions about it
why it was there
why the closet, of all places?
we were too terrified

But as we grew older
some of us stopped being afraid
because we knew it couldn’t hurt us
why be scared of something that couldn’t hurt you?

But some of us didn’t
to some of us, the monster grew
and it would attack us
late at night

Some of us weren’t afraid
but later in life
we confronted the monster again
and all those years of work dwindled down the drain

However, as we all grew
we, at some point, accepted the monster
sometimes welcoming it as a friend,
someone to listen

And as the days went by
all of us growing older
and finding ourselves, one day at a time,
the monster disappeared

It was like a weight off our chest
we were sad it was gone, but happy all the same

We could finally leave the confines of this place
and breathe
and laugh
and smile

maybe we were the monsters in the closet after all

Have you ever thought
about how
you are the sun to someone

You brighten up their world
and without you,
they wouldn’t survive

Everyone has their own suns
In fact, one man’s sun
could have a completely different sun

The suns gain heat from each other
and they spread it
to and fro

There are many suns out there
spreading warmth
and causing smiles

But what about the moons?
The ones who are quiet
but absolutely stunning

The ones who
help light up
your darkness

So then you can see
but yet
you’re still blind

You don’t see
that the moon
is your soulmate

All because
you stared at the sun
for way too long

Everyone is scared of monsters,
but there is a monster in each and every one of us

So are we afraid of our-self?
Yes

We hide our true selves
from strangers
with fake smiles
and false personalities

And when someone gets close
too close to the light inside
you panic
and your monster takes over

Because you’re scared of letting someone in
because if you let someone in,
they have the ability to hurt you
they have the ability to **** the monster

And as much as you hate that monster
you don’t want it dead
because it protects you
and without it, you’re vulnerable

And if you’re vulnerable
you’re weak
but the only way to get stronger
is to **** the monster

It’s a constant back and forth

And until you decide
until you allow someone
to see your light
the monster will stay
hidden deep beneath your chest
constricting each breath

Puking and depression
Coughing and anxiety

They go together
Like sticks and stones

Like

The sticky tar
And the wretched gasoline

You can't get rid of them
Because they stick to you

The tar becomes your clothes
And the gasoline becomes your perfume

They become a part of your life
Affecting where you go and what you like

And sometimes the tar is so thick
Or the gasoline is so strong

That you can't even get up
And so you're forced to stay in bed

And until the day comes

The day where you can peel that tar off
Or rinse that gasoline away

You will forever
Be set aflame

All my life
I lived in fear
And cowered away
From the light

But the light
It wasn't the refreshing light
Or the light you're happy to see
After being in the dark so long

This light was different
It was the light from people
The people who judged you
If you lived in darkness

Because darkness
It's associated with death
And despair
And sadness

And sadness is associated with weakness
And if you're weak
Then you're not worthy of living

And so you shy away from that light
That ****** light
Afraid of being discovered
Living in the comforting darkness

And once you're discovered
You get sent away
To a place full of bright lights
And supposedly soothing voices

They hand you medicine
But to me
It's like they're shoving it down my throat

And every night
When I take that pill
It's like I'm swallowing my life
Drowning it

Because the medicine doesn't help
It makes me irritable
And angry
And serious
Because I can never see
With that horrid light shining in my eyes

They took me out of the darkness
Because they thought I wasn't happy
But then they trapped me in the cursed light
Where I am now petrified

You hear a growl behind you
Oh no, not again
It’s that horrible thing
It’s about to begin

You run away, screaming
“Please don’t take me!”
But it’s too late
It’s on a ****** spree

It claws at your clothes
Trying to slow you
But you carry on
Determined to get through

You trip and stagger
No, you weren’t going down
Your determination fuels you
You were not going to drown

It seems like an hour
But in reality it’s been a year
A year, you’ve been in Hell
A year, you’ve lived in fear

Perhaps the monster will spare you
Let you free for a while
So you could walk around
With an actual real smile

But until then
You will wander
Helplessly
And ponder, selflessly

Why can’t people help?
Why can’t people question?
Will someone ever find
The cure to depression?