We all have a favorite word,
whether we know it or not

It’s a word we use frequently,
yet not frequent enough

It’s a word that dwells within us,
living happily in our mansion of a soul

It breathes our air
and pumps our blood

And sometimes it’ll cause our lungs to restrict,
or our heart to stop

But, like a drug,
we’ll drink it,
inhale it,
inject it,
and everything goes back to normal

Happy birthday
They say
But all I hear is
"You're getting older"

I'm losing my childhood
One day at a time
And soon
It will be gone
I will be gone

They say that life starts
Once you're an adult
But all I have ever heard
Was that life is horrible
Life is hard

Aging happens to everyone
Nothing can prevent it
Even the anti-aging cream
All it does is get rid of wrinkles
And sometimes it doesn't even work

Perhaps that's life
You buy something to make you happy
Something to change you
And sometimes it works
And sometimes it doesn't
Just like life

But you cant let age define you

It’s like a spider
In a web
Crawling closer
Thread by thread

You try to run
But the strings are sticky
So you trip and fall
This was going to be tricky

You get back up
And continue on
Looking back
It was almost dawn

You’ve almost made it through the night
Keep on treading
You’re almost done
But the webs started spreading

The spider slowly follows
And you feel it in your soul
Here it comes again
Time to pay your toll

You lay there
Out of breath
Was it over?
Or was this death?

You couldn’t move
You felt dead
You were full of horrible emotions
One of them, dread

And suddenly, you realized
That big spider
The one that chased you
Was no outsider

You’ve been here before
All because of one thing
You should’ve stayed inside
But you didn’t know what the outside would bring

That spider
It feeds on society
That spider
Its name is Anxiety

Your laugh,
it flips a switch inside myself,
suddenly I'm a robot,
whose only purpose is to make you laugh

Your smile,
it makes my heart flip,
and suddenly I'm a gymnast,
willing to flip and cartwheel,
just to see you smile

Your tears,
they're like a blade to my wrist,
and suddenly I'm bleeding,
dizzy and angry and depressed,
because I'll take your sadness,
just so you can be happy

"It's hard to write about life when you've never lived."

I wish to tell you
Everything that my mind contains
But I'm afraid that you'd run
Leave
And think of me as insane

My mind is full of everything
Things I like
Things I hate
And I can't do anything
Except lay here and wait

I wish you'd listen
I wish I didn't leave
I wish you'd see the things upon my sleeve
But I don't

And so I just stay quiet
Alone
Missing you
Hurting
Just to keep you safe
Safe, away from me

i remember the cold grass,
flattened beneath our backs,
as we stared upon the stars above

your eyes would glow,
the most beautiful sight to be seen,
the stars could never compete

and when i would put my thoughts into words,
you'd blush; and the smile to grace your face,
was much like the sun above

you'd often blind me,
making my eyes burn, a pleasant sting,
while you sit, oblivious

oh, how you took my breath away

As I drift off
Wordlessly
You
You don't see
You don't know

So I'm stuck
Floating
Lost in time
Swimming
In space

While you
On Earth
Smile
Laugh
Be carefree

Help me
Throw me a rope
Do something
Anything
I'm immobile
But mobile all the same

Be my lifeline
That's all I'm asking
I'm stuck
In a winter wonderland of purple hues
And bright lights

Never have I ever
Imagined missing the blues and greens
Of our lovely, yet fading Earth
But here I am
Floating aimlessly
Missing you

A soft glow glimmers
Illuminating the room
And I see you
And you see me

Arms outstretched
I reach for you
But you grimace
And back away

I step forward
You step back
And I knew
I had broken you

"I'm sorry"
I murmur
But you shrug
"It's not the first time"

And I understood
I have problems
Pushing people away
Blocking them out

But you
You're the only one I come back to
But I've done it
I broke you

"Let me explain"
I beg
But your head
It shakes

"No"
And with that
You fade
And I wake up

Remember,
when we were younger
and we were scared
of the monster in the closet?

We never asked questions about it
why it was there
why the closet, of all places?
we were too terrified

But as we grew older
some of us stopped being afraid
because we knew it couldn’t hurt us
why be scared of something that couldn’t hurt you?

But some of us didn’t
to some of us, the monster grew
and it would attack us
late at night

Some of us weren’t afraid
but later in life
we confronted the monster again
and all those years of work dwindled down the drain

However, as we all grew
we, at some point, accepted the monster
sometimes welcoming it as a friend,
someone to listen

And as the days went by
all of us growing older
and finding ourselves, one day at a time,
the monster disappeared

It was like a weight off our chest
we were sad it was gone, but happy all the same

We could finally leave the confines of this place
and breathe
and laugh
and smile

maybe we were the monsters in the closet after all

Coldness surrounds me
As I am struck
With the realization
That you're gone

No longer
Will I feel your
Gentle caresses
And soft kisses

All I will feel
From now on
Will be
Sadness
And the bitter cold

And I know
That I will find someone
Someone who will fix this
Fix this stinging cold
But for now
I am freezing

You control my life,
restricting each breath,
each laugh

Because of you,
I’ve forgotten how to smile,
how to live

You took all my friends away,
leaving just me,
and me, alone

You forced me into things,
things I hated,
but they were the only things that brought relief

And I find myself thinking about the past,
before I met you,
before you ruined my life

I don’t know how I used to be like that,
so happy,
so alive

You stole everything from me,
and now,
I don’t even know who I am

You hear a growl behind you
Oh no, not again
It’s that horrible thing
It’s about to begin

You run away, screaming
“Please don’t take me!”
But it’s too late
It’s on a ****** spree

It claws at your clothes
Trying to slow you
But you carry on
Determined to get through

You trip and stagger
No, you weren’t going down
Your determination fuels you
You were not going to drown

It seems like an hour
But in reality it’s been a year
A year, you’ve been in Hell
A year, you’ve lived in fear

Perhaps the monster will spare you
Let you free for a while
So you could walk around
With an actual real smile

But until then
You will wander
Helplessly
And ponder, selflessly

Why can’t people help?
Why can’t people question?
Will someone ever find
The cure to depression?

Summer skies turn to Autumn
But my feelings for you are still there
And I watch as the leaves flutter to the ground
Reminding me of you
And how something so tragic can be beautiful

The cold breeze of Fall
Chills me to the core
And yet again
I am reminded of you
And how you used to give me chills

And as the leaves die
And the ground gets covered in snow
I am no longer reminded of you
Because you were my downFall
Not my everything

A large open field
A field of hope
Of dreams

You were there
Standing beautifully
In the expansion of stems and petals

The flowers danced around your ankles
And you waved
Shyly

My heart stuttered
It leaped
Was this real?

I stepped
Carefully through the colors
And held out a hand

You take it
And together
We walk through the flowers

I’ve forgotten what freedom tastes like,
the substance that used to dance around my taste buds,
pulling me in,
a comforting arm around my shoulders

I used to think it would last,
that I’d forever be filled to the brim with glee,
but here I am now,
no freedom in taste

The arm has disappeared,
it faded away over time,
much like all things do,
and with it, it took my bottle of freedom

The hole that I sit is no longer bright,
everything I see is dull,
everything I smell is dull,
and everything I taste is dull

I miss the colors,
the scents,
and the freedom

I took freedom for granted,
and now I’m stuck here,
wishing for just one last drip

I feel myself disappearing
More and more each day
Yet I'm still here
Attempting to pray

I feel myself disappearing
And I don't know what to do
Should I let it happen?
Should I move?

I feel myself disappearing
And soon it won't matter
Because if it doesn't stop now
I'm going to be tattered

I no longer feel myself disappearing
All is done
Maybe I'm better
Or maybe I'm gone

My mind,
a cluttered and messy place
A place that I’m forever trapped
without a key

The key,
it perches atop a stool
behind barbed wire
and steel bars

Inaccessible
Untouchable
Unreachable
Impossible

The words that haunt my mind,
a cavern,
a ghost of what it used to be

Taunting me,
restlessly,
while kicking
and spitting upon my fragile brain

Perhaps my brain is glass
and the thoughts are rocks,
shattering the glass,
and then using the remains to stab my heart

And I let it happen
because I know I will never be free,
free from the Hell inside my head

At this point,
I’d rather stop breathing
than to hope
for the rough surface of the key in my palm

Because hope is just another word,
a synonym for imagination

As I sit here
And think
God, it seems like it's all I do
Maybe I need a break

But then me
My inner self
She scolds me
Telling me no

And so I continue
Wherever I may be
To think
Whether the thoughts be good or bad

I hate this
This awful feeling
Overwhelmed
That's what I am

Maybe I should destroy her
My inner self, of course
As long as it takes this
This cursed pain away

I've never been good at poetry
But for some reason
You drove me to it

Being all by myself
Without a friend
Without a soul
I found myself falling

Not for you
I had fallen for you long ago
I was falling deeper into my mind
And I pushed you away

And so I fell
Slowly losing myself
But I didn't care
Because I lost myself
When I lost you

What do you do,
when your entire life
has been an act?

A terrible mask,
glued to my face,
suffocating me

The mask shows a smile,
while underneath,
I crumble

But that’s okay,
I guess,
as long as you’re happy,
everything is fine, right?

I love to live
Long to live
But there's always something
Something that takes that away

Whether it be
My body
My family
My friends
Strangers

They always know how to pull the trigger
And send me crumbling
Crumbling to the floor
Like a broken marionette

Maybe that's who I truly am
A marionette
Something for people to control
Manipulate

They pull my strings
They pull them hard
And it seems
Like I always end up broken

Sometimes,
we must let go
of the things we love

The things that brought us happiness,
and memorable memories,
must soon pack up and leave

Whether it be
because we grew too old,
or we grew too weak

We have to let go of them,
because they will injure us
if we do not

They will weigh us down,
like rocks in a backpack,
until we are on our knees

But we refuse to let them go,
to throw the backpack off,
and to finally breathe

Until we collapse

We cry,
shake,
scream

As we watch our memories,
childhood,
and our happiness,
turn into nothing
but a mere dream

Shadows roll over
Much of your body
Lights out
Goodbye everybody

Perhaps you took too many pills
They knocked you out
When all you ever wanted
Was to shout

Perhaps you cut too deep
Struck a vein
And now
Say goodbye to your brain

Perhaps you jumped
And landed and broke
You warned everyone
They thought it a joke

Now you’re gone
Bloodied and numb
You can finally go back
To where you are from

My hand, it grasps,
a withered pen,
dry and old,
yet perfect all the same

My pen, it dances,
across the milky paper,
smooth and neat,
yet messy all the same

My paper, it shouts,
words, phrases, stories,
depressing and gloomy,
yet cheerful all the same

My love
You deserve the world
But sadly
I cannot give you that

But
I can give you
A meaningful note
A beautiful dove
And an elegant rose

My love
I have little to no money
So please bear with me
And accept my gift

I know you can find other men
Other men with money
Wealth
But men with compassion are hard to find these days

I may not have money
I may not be the best man
But I love you for you
And so I present to you this note
This dove
And this rose

Something must’ve happened,
for I cannot grasp what I am feeling
conflicted yet again,
but isn’t that what life is?

My heart is numb,
my skull is aching,
it’s all I ever feel anymore,
I don’t want to live like this

I don’t know who I am anymore,
I’m not the same person I once was,
all I identify as is fake smiles,
and recent cuts

My heart is throbbing,
my head is asleep,
all I feel is hurt,
I don’t want to live like this

I’m a mess,
an island of lost ambition and broken dreams,
the scars are the isles,
and the tears are the waves

all i can wish for is that the island floods

All my life
I lived in fear
And cowered away
From the light

But the light
It wasn't the refreshing light
Or the light you're happy to see
After being in the dark so long

This light was different
It was the light from people
The people who judged you
If you lived in darkness

Because darkness
It's associated with death
And despair
And sadness

And sadness is associated with weakness
And if you're weak
Then you're not worthy of living

And so you shy away from that light
That ****** light
Afraid of being discovered
Living in the comforting darkness

And once you're discovered
You get sent away
To a place full of bright lights
And supposedly soothing voices

They hand you medicine
But to me
It's like they're shoving it down my throat

And every night
When I take that pill
It's like I'm swallowing my life
Drowning it

Because the medicine doesn't help
It makes me irritable
And angry
And serious
Because I can never see
With that horrid light shining in my eyes

They took me out of the darkness
Because they thought I wasn't happy
But then they trapped me in the cursed light
Where I am now petrified

The silky
Yet rough
Gown that covers you
In entirety

Skin
Protection
Life

You're happy
Excited
For what to come
Life is great

But as you age
And your skin grows rougher
You change
And you let people's words
Become sharper

And the people's words
They cut
And slice
Until your skin
Is tattered

You're no longer happy
You're angry
At the world
At the people
At yourself
And your skin

God
It's been so long
Since I've heard you
Seen you

And here we are
Standing awkwardly
Like strangers

If anyone saw us
They would have never guessed
That we used to be together
That we used to be the closest

But thanks to anxiety
And overwhelming fear
We went our seperate ways
Leaving our love to decay

And now
Standing here
With you
I realized I made a mistake

I shouldn't have left
I shouldn't have pushed you away
We could've had everything
But I ruined that

I hate this feeling
I know so much about you
But at this moment
I have no idea who you are

Talk to me
Please, I beg of you
It's all I want
Please, ease my anxiety

Ease my anxiety
Ease the cruel monster
The monster that started this
This entire thing